That's MISTER Assless Wonder to you!
February 20, 2010 9:40 AM Subscribe
I love my partner to death, and that includes his big, soft, warm body. But he has absolutely no butt or hips to hold up his pants, and no matter what he does he shows ass cleavage. He is, shall we say, lookin' like a fool. How does he fix this problem fashion-wise, and how do I manage my reactions to this so I don't insult the man that I love?
My partner is around 6' and 300ish, with a 40 or 42 waist. He carries most of his weight in his chest and stomach and has a somewhat long torso to boot. As mentioned above, he has no ass. He's assless.
He usually wears jeans or Dockers-type pants, but more of the former. To me, seeing an inch of plaid boxer waistband isn't a huge deal (although the polka-dotted ones are almost a cliche). However, it's bad enough that whenever he sits down, they come down even lower. When he sits down in a chair at a restaurant (particularly one without a solid back), he has at least two inches of crack showing. Same with when we go to sporting events; he stands up and gives the people behind us a face full of snow-white crack.
I've bought him a few longtail Ts, which are a little bit of a help, and wearing untucked buttondowns is also a bit better. But that doesn't change the fact that he's 34 and his butt pockets are closer to mid-thigh. He's not a skater!
But more importantly, it's starting to embarrass me. And that makes me sad, because I love him and his body, and I know he knows that he has this issue. But I don't want people looking at him (and me) and thinking that he's some kind of rube because he doesn't care.
I try to be discreet when it's most obvious, giving him a little tap on the bum. He's not super sensitive to people telling him to do something, so he'll pull them up again and we'll go about our business. But yesterday and last night I realized that I was whispering "Pants!" nearly every time he stood up, and I even gave an audible, "Oh, HONEY!" when he stood up at the game and mooned the people behind us. If people didn't notice before, they sure did then.
I feel awful for trying to mother this grown man. Actually, I feel exactly like my own mother, who once got up and practically got onstage in the middle of a school assembly to pull up the pants of a kid she didn't even know. And THAT was embarrassing.
So. Is there anything that he can do, other than wearing visible suspenders? (I don't think belts do much good, although maybe he's just not using the right one.) And what can I, as a good and loving partner, do to make the situation better without embarrassing him?
My partner is around 6' and 300ish, with a 40 or 42 waist. He carries most of his weight in his chest and stomach and has a somewhat long torso to boot. As mentioned above, he has no ass. He's assless.
He usually wears jeans or Dockers-type pants, but more of the former. To me, seeing an inch of plaid boxer waistband isn't a huge deal (although the polka-dotted ones are almost a cliche). However, it's bad enough that whenever he sits down, they come down even lower. When he sits down in a chair at a restaurant (particularly one without a solid back), he has at least two inches of crack showing. Same with when we go to sporting events; he stands up and gives the people behind us a face full of snow-white crack.
I've bought him a few longtail Ts, which are a little bit of a help, and wearing untucked buttondowns is also a bit better. But that doesn't change the fact that he's 34 and his butt pockets are closer to mid-thigh. He's not a skater!
But more importantly, it's starting to embarrass me. And that makes me sad, because I love him and his body, and I know he knows that he has this issue. But I don't want people looking at him (and me) and thinking that he's some kind of rube because he doesn't care.
I try to be discreet when it's most obvious, giving him a little tap on the bum. He's not super sensitive to people telling him to do something, so he'll pull them up again and we'll go about our business. But yesterday and last night I realized that I was whispering "Pants!" nearly every time he stood up, and I even gave an audible, "Oh, HONEY!" when he stood up at the game and mooned the people behind us. If people didn't notice before, they sure did then.
I feel awful for trying to mother this grown man. Actually, I feel exactly like my own mother, who once got up and practically got onstage in the middle of a school assembly to pull up the pants of a kid she didn't even know. And THAT was embarrassing.
So. Is there anything that he can do, other than wearing visible suspenders? (I don't think belts do much good, although maybe he's just not using the right one.) And what can I, as a good and loving partner, do to make the situation better without embarrassing him?
It sounds as though he may need a tailor. Even with less expensive pants, a good tailor can alter them so that they're more likely to stay where they're supposed to on their own.
posted by decathecting at 9:43 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by decathecting at 9:43 AM on February 20, 2010
Suspenders under the top shirt but above an undershirt sound like they'd work best. I played in a civil war re-enactment band (aka a bunch of guys at least twice my age and many with similar body types to your man) and a lot of the men (some even younger than your SO) totally rocked suspenders. I wouldn't rule them out! Or he could totally make a fashion statement and get like neon suspenders and wear them over things. It depends on how willing he is to make that his *thing*.
posted by kthxbi at 9:47 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by kthxbi at 9:47 AM on February 20, 2010
At the risk of giving a pre-ruled-out answer, I'd like to also weigh in for suspenders. It's a pity they have a kind of Grandpa Jones weight today, culturally--but get a thinnish pair in a color other than red, and make your style match. In addition, well-tailored pants and jackets that cover the problem area.
posted by LucretiusJones at 9:48 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by LucretiusJones at 9:48 AM on February 20, 2010
Under-the-clothes suspenders. Unless he's brave enough to wear them above-the-clothes, in which case he can snap them against his chest!
Man I loved doing that...
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Man I loved doing that...
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been somewhat accused and found guilty of your boyfriend's issues, though not as great an offender. I, am, however, very self-conscious of it at times. I'm even very close to the same measurements as him, if somewhat with less weight. My own solution has been simply to work on losing that weight, which allows me to cinch my belt tighter without the interference of a large gut. That has helped some, as without the fat in the way, the belt can do its job easier. (I expect the more weight I can lose the less a problem I'll have in this area) I've also built in a reaction to somewhat heft my pants up extra before sitting down to avoid any low rising incidents.
Perhaps he can look into losing that weight, and not so much as to avoid the rising moon issue, but also as a matter of just good health. It's fantastic that you love him no matter what, but it could lead to even greater benefits if he can lose some of that weight.
posted by Atreides at 10:08 AM on February 20, 2010
Perhaps he can look into losing that weight, and not so much as to avoid the rising moon issue, but also as a matter of just good health. It's fantastic that you love him no matter what, but it could lead to even greater benefits if he can lose some of that weight.
posted by Atreides at 10:08 AM on February 20, 2010
This was me for my entire life until I lost a bunch of weight. Suspenders definitely work, and he should employ them in all suit-and-tie situations--people even think they look cool.
I has almost identical dimensions to your boyfriend--same height, same weight, same buttlessness. After I lost about 80-90 pounds, I sort of spontaneously generated a butt. A real, butt-shaped butt. I hate to say it, but from my experience the one guaranteed solution is large-scale weight loss.
My stopgap suggestion would be a switch to boxer briefs, so at least the crackage gets mitigated.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 10:10 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I has almost identical dimensions to your boyfriend--same height, same weight, same buttlessness. After I lost about 80-90 pounds, I sort of spontaneously generated a butt. A real, butt-shaped butt. I hate to say it, but from my experience the one guaranteed solution is large-scale weight loss.
My stopgap suggestion would be a switch to boxer briefs, so at least the crackage gets mitigated.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 10:10 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
A belt? Does he wear a belt?
posted by fixedgear at 10:15 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by fixedgear at 10:15 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Duluth Trading Co. is a clothing manufacturer that targets tradesmen (and -women). They makes a line of long-tail shirts specifically designed to deal with the problem of plumber's butt.
The other thing, though, is that if he's in the habit of wearing his shirts un-tucked, he may find that his pants stay up a bit better if he keeps the shirts tucked in, as this gives the pants more to grip onto.
posted by drlith at 10:15 AM on February 20, 2010
The other thing, though, is that if he's in the habit of wearing his shirts un-tucked, he may find that his pants stay up a bit better if he keeps the shirts tucked in, as this gives the pants more to grip onto.
posted by drlith at 10:15 AM on February 20, 2010
What about a really long undershirt-type tshirt, tucked in as far as it'll go? Maybe something in a tall size, to give it the extra length. Paired with a good belt that'll keep it tucked in.
posted by cgg at 10:20 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by cgg at 10:20 AM on February 20, 2010
I know, know, know this is counterintuitive, but...low rise pants. And boxers or boxer briefs. The deal with low rise pants is that they fit, are snug at the top, and don't get pushed down into a messy bunch of fabric by the belly/love-handles/torso. Basically, they ride the line, but they stay put. And they don't have a bunch of weight to them, like how regular pants turn into an S-shaped mess when you sit down (which then in turn does unsightly things to the back view). Low risers also sometimes have a little bit of a longer line in the backside, like a slight arc, to cover crack. But the boxers will do the rest.
Low rise pants do magical wonders for the assless as well.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:21 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Low rise pants do magical wonders for the assless as well.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:21 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Surely if he has no ass (I am familiar with this condiiton), he can buy pants that suit his waist size - it's not like he needs to buy larger than his waist size pants to accommodate a larger ass. If that is the case can't he just cinch them with a belt (this is what I do)?
If you don't want to hurt feelings or offend him, then go the gift route. Buy him a bunch of plain dark coloured (preferably the same colour as his pants) boxer shorts (if that's his preference). Much less obvious when there's slippage than stripes or dots. If it seems a bit suss tell him you find them sexier - he'll love that.
Also, don't worry about it too much - an ass gap isn't the worst thing in the world. I bet if you woke up tomorrow and aliens had abducted him you'd give anything to have that ass gap back.
posted by Elmore at 10:24 AM on February 20, 2010
If you don't want to hurt feelings or offend him, then go the gift route. Buy him a bunch of plain dark coloured (preferably the same colour as his pants) boxer shorts (if that's his preference). Much less obvious when there's slippage than stripes or dots. If it seems a bit suss tell him you find them sexier - he'll love that.
Also, don't worry about it too much - an ass gap isn't the worst thing in the world. I bet if you woke up tomorrow and aliens had abducted him you'd give anything to have that ass gap back.
posted by Elmore at 10:24 AM on February 20, 2010
Oh yeah, please note that I am the worst person on the planet to take any sort of fashion advice from. Cool.
posted by Elmore at 10:25 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by Elmore at 10:25 AM on February 20, 2010
Suspenders can also be worn on top of a shirt, but under a sweater or vest.
There are some signs that indicate that suspenders are getting more popular:
"(...) megastars such as Justin Timberlake have been spotted in sweater vests and suspenders."
"He dresses in a happy, colorful uniform of tight shirts, suspenders, skinny jeans, scrunchy socks, and high-top sneakers, all by labels like Lanvin, Dior, and Marc Jacobs (he says he gets a slightly more than 20 percent-off VIP discount)."
Another sign: yesterday I noticed that my local H&M store were displaying skinny, dark gray, suspenders with discrete patterns.
You could also consider higher waisted pants.
posted by iviken at 10:26 AM on February 20, 2010
There are some signs that indicate that suspenders are getting more popular:
"(...) megastars such as Justin Timberlake have been spotted in sweater vests and suspenders."
"He dresses in a happy, colorful uniform of tight shirts, suspenders, skinny jeans, scrunchy socks, and high-top sneakers, all by labels like Lanvin, Dior, and Marc Jacobs (he says he gets a slightly more than 20 percent-off VIP discount)."
Another sign: yesterday I noticed that my local H&M store were displaying skinny, dark gray, suspenders with discrete patterns.
You could also consider higher waisted pants.
posted by iviken at 10:26 AM on February 20, 2010
How does he fix this problem fashion-wise, and how do I manage my reactions to this so I don't insult the man that I love?
Look, I know appearances are really important and that people will always judge you by your appearance. I don't think you're shallow or judgmental or whatnot. But: the former problem might be unsolvable, or its solution (suspenders, wearing a unitard instead of pants) might leave you unsatisfied if you never deal with the latter problem.
Why does it bother you so much? You say you don't want people looking at him (and [you]) and thinking that he's some kind of rube because he doesn't care. You don't want people to think he's a "rube," but you also don't want people looking at you--what, blaming you that you don't have magic control of your husband's pants, or judging you for being with a *gasp* rube?
A flash of butt-crack shouldn't obliterate the good impression your husband's manners, or taste in clothing, or other behavior, make on people you know, whose impressions you should care about. If you're worrying that strangers sitting behind you are going to judge you, stop. First, you really care what a couple random people think of this guy you love with all your heart, and his body, which drives you mad with desire? Second, maybe the woman behind you is worrying about her husband's inability to eat a hot dog without coating his mustache with mustard; maybe she's thinking Damn, the people in front of us are going to think we're such rubes! Do you notice the mustard? You're busy checking out those polka dot boxers (which sound adorable to me). Part of growing up is realizing people think about their flaws far more often than they notice yours.
There are some problems you can fix, and some you can't. When you hit a problem you can't fix, you can either accept it, or subject your partner to endless criticism. My father sneezes loudly--very loudly. And it's out of his control. And for the past thirty years, every single time he draws in a breath and wrinkles his nose to sneeze, we know what's about to happen: he explodes into the sneeze, my mother gives this fake little gasp and says John, you scared me!, and we all roll our eyes. We're judging one of them, certainly, and it's not our father.
If you can't fix this problem, do you want to spend your life with a husband who constantly bemoans his lack of butt, tugs his pants up anxiously with every step he walks, and asks you to check the location of his waistband every five minutes?
posted by sallybrown at 10:36 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Look, I know appearances are really important and that people will always judge you by your appearance. I don't think you're shallow or judgmental or whatnot. But: the former problem might be unsolvable, or its solution (suspenders, wearing a unitard instead of pants) might leave you unsatisfied if you never deal with the latter problem.
Why does it bother you so much? You say you don't want people looking at him (and [you]) and thinking that he's some kind of rube because he doesn't care. You don't want people to think he's a "rube," but you also don't want people looking at you--what, blaming you that you don't have magic control of your husband's pants, or judging you for being with a *gasp* rube?
A flash of butt-crack shouldn't obliterate the good impression your husband's manners, or taste in clothing, or other behavior, make on people you know, whose impressions you should care about. If you're worrying that strangers sitting behind you are going to judge you, stop. First, you really care what a couple random people think of this guy you love with all your heart, and his body, which drives you mad with desire? Second, maybe the woman behind you is worrying about her husband's inability to eat a hot dog without coating his mustache with mustard; maybe she's thinking Damn, the people in front of us are going to think we're such rubes! Do you notice the mustard? You're busy checking out those polka dot boxers (which sound adorable to me). Part of growing up is realizing people think about their flaws far more often than they notice yours.
There are some problems you can fix, and some you can't. When you hit a problem you can't fix, you can either accept it, or subject your partner to endless criticism. My father sneezes loudly--very loudly. And it's out of his control. And for the past thirty years, every single time he draws in a breath and wrinkles his nose to sneeze, we know what's about to happen: he explodes into the sneeze, my mother gives this fake little gasp and says John, you scared me!, and we all roll our eyes. We're judging one of them, certainly, and it's not our father.
If you can't fix this problem, do you want to spend your life with a husband who constantly bemoans his lack of butt, tugs his pants up anxiously with every step he walks, and asks you to check the location of his waistband every five minutes?
posted by sallybrown at 10:36 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Nthing suspenders - they can definitely look cool. It would be easy to put a sweater or shirt over the suspenders if he wanted to hide them.
posted by smartypantz at 10:44 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by smartypantz at 10:44 AM on February 20, 2010
oh how i LOVE a man in suspenders. mmmm.
posted by anthropomorphic at 11:15 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by anthropomorphic at 11:15 AM on February 20, 2010
Luckily, most of the solutions to this are hot: suspenders (yum), low rise pants (yum), and . . . black boxer briefs! The sexiest of men's underpants.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:23 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:23 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Overalls!
posted by chez shoes at 11:23 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by chez shoes at 11:23 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not that I think you should suggest this. But if HE wants more of an ass, either for his own reasons or to give the pants something to hang on, he could get one. He just needs to work on his glute muscles. The more he works on them the bigger they'll get just like any other muscle.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:30 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by Ashley801 at 11:30 AM on February 20, 2010
You're busy checking out those polka dot boxers (which sound adorable to me).
No, you're being confronted with a stranger's gleaming asscrack eighteen inches from your face. That's not really adorable at all. I don't think it requires a lot of introspection to understand why consideration of the people behind you at the ballgame might come up in this scenario. Especially when the solution only requires tailoring, not a new lifestyle, diet, or ethos.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:09 PM on February 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
No, you're being confronted with a stranger's gleaming asscrack eighteen inches from your face. That's not really adorable at all. I don't think it requires a lot of introspection to understand why consideration of the people behind you at the ballgame might come up in this scenario. Especially when the solution only requires tailoring, not a new lifestyle, diet, or ethos.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:09 PM on February 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
I had a friend who had a similar problem, but who refused to consider braces (suspenders in UK English) because thought of them as something only a fat man would wear. This is an unfortunate stereotype.
The truth is that in addition to holding your pants up, they can be very flattering to a man. Especially on a man with broad shoulders, they emphasize the breadth. My husband wears braces all the time, and I love him in them. John Barrowman doesn't look that bad either, or Sean Bean (in the classic high-waisted trousers and braces look which so needs to come back, and not just because it suits my SO more than any other style). And it's certainly much more attractive to be wearing suspenders than to have your trousers falling down.
posted by jb at 1:27 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
The truth is that in addition to holding your pants up, they can be very flattering to a man. Especially on a man with broad shoulders, they emphasize the breadth. My husband wears braces all the time, and I love him in them. John Barrowman doesn't look that bad either, or Sean Bean (in the classic high-waisted trousers and braces look which so needs to come back, and not just because it suits my SO more than any other style). And it's certainly much more attractive to be wearing suspenders than to have your trousers falling down.
posted by jb at 1:27 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dungarees, boilersuits, flight suits or suspenders. That's it
posted by A189Nut at 2:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by A189Nut at 2:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Suspenders are hot. Go with suspenders. It can become his signature look. If not, a tailor could alter his pants.
posted by fifilaru at 2:16 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 2:16 PM on February 20, 2010
Someone mentioned Duluth trading for long or tall shirts. I second that. Also, Duluth is the only one that I know that sells side-clip suspenders and they're the best!. You can check them out here:
http://tiny.cc/LhW7h
posted by luvmywife at 3:16 PM on February 20, 2010
http://tiny.cc/LhW7h
posted by luvmywife at 3:16 PM on February 20, 2010
Dungarees, boilersuits, flight suits or suspenders. That's it.
... and perhaps fight straps? It would take some sewing, but it could work if he really doesn't want to use suspenders.
posted by iviken at 4:46 PM on February 20, 2010
... and perhaps fight straps? It would take some sewing, but it could work if he really doesn't want to use suspenders.
posted by iviken at 4:46 PM on February 20, 2010
Get him a Utilikilt. As a bonus, their mockumentary commercials are hilarious.
posted by thekiltedwonder at 6:32 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by thekiltedwonder at 6:32 PM on February 20, 2010
What's wrong with suspenders?
Yours truly,
Man wearing a proper hat.
posted by chairface at 11:15 PM on February 20, 2010
Yours truly,
Man wearing a proper hat.
posted by chairface at 11:15 PM on February 20, 2010
I love you SallyBrown, but I am going to have to wholeheartedly disagree with you. There is nothing that makes me lose my appetite more than when I sit down at a nice restaurant on a date and there's someone next to us whose ass is hanging out entirely. People are going to stare and make comments, kids are going to dare each other to throw pennies. It's sad, but it's true
- Another assless MeFite.
posted by june made him a gemini at 11:17 PM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
- Another assless MeFite.
posted by june made him a gemini at 11:17 PM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:41 AM on February 20, 2010 [5 favorites]