Advice please...

February 16, 2010 7:32 AM

Mid Thirties - longest relationship has been 3 months. How do I explain this to prospective partners?

Hi,

I am guy in his mid thirties, pretty content, reasonably good looking and have a good job and a social circle that keeps me pretty happy. One thing missing though (can you guess what it is?!). I'd love to experience a decent relationship but feel that my lack of experience is a bit of a hindrance and is negatively affecting peoples opinion of me. I am in the classic situation of a guy who's friends are slowly getting married/having kids etc and I am left looking around thinking "Shit - I really need to sort myself out in this area of my life - what do I do now?!"
So a bit of background I grew up as quite a popular person in school and uni, had mates both male and female to hang around with but always had this massive blind spot when it came to the opposite sex. I was outwardly good fun, class joker but secretly terrified and clueless when it came to dating. My habits from 16-25 were, find the most stunning looking girl in my school or uni, fixate on her (not in a weird way), and play this great romance out in my head without ever revealing any true feelings to them, in fact I barely even spoke to them! When I did make an effort I'd just choke up, go red or make an ass of myself. In the meantime I had quite a few missed opportunities with girls that did like me, but I was too engrossed in sitting back and dreaming of the pochahontas who I didn't even have the balls to talk to. Cue mid to late twenties, did a lot of travelling , hooked up intermittently along the way but was always on the move with plans for more travelling. Late twenties I returned home, spent the next few years just dicking around and repeating patterns from earlier, not really getting anywhere.
In the last couple of years however I've changed quite a bit, I am genuinely not interested in one night stands, nor clubs or bar scenes etc. I'm really longing for a decent realtionship but not sure I am cut out for it. I've made a real effort to be more proactive and ask women out (something that was probably my biggest failure in my 20's), tried speedating etc so I've had quite a few dates but no-one has really grabbed me from a physical or mental point of view. That said I feel I have made good progress from where I was 2 years ago and feel a bit more comfortable in my skin when it comes to dating. I'd like to think I am pretty open minded about the type of girl I am dating but I've had a few funny looks when the subject comes onto previous relationships. I dread the question when they ask about my history, I'll tell them the truth but I think they can sense me squirming when I say 3 months is the longest relationship. I am ultra concious that it's weird for a guy of my age and that the likelihood is they will prob see me as some kind of commitment phobe/immature player. I really feel that I am really not! I am looking for advice on what the best way to broach this sketchy history is going forward without putting off potential partners.
Thanks for reading..!

posted by woodenfloored to Human Relations (17 answers total)

... I think they can sense me squirming when I say 3 months is the longest relationship. I am ultra concious that it's weird for a guy of my age and that the likelihood is they will prob see me as some kind of commitment phobe/immature player.

This may be your problem. Lack of previous serious relationships is not as uncommon as you think it is. But if you are noticeably uncomfortable talking about it, or are defensive about it (as some people I've talked to are), that's a big turn off.
posted by donajo at 7:40 AM on February 16, 2010 [5 favorites]

For anyone else to be comfortable with your story, you have to be comfortable with it. Don't think of your story as sketchy. That will go along way in making other people not see it as sketchy.

Honestly, I don't find a clueless early 20s (everyone's been there), followed by lots of traveling and moving (wow, jealous), and wrapping up with just not quite finding the right match the early 30s (hey, the person you are talking to is probably in the same boat) a horrible story. Own it and it will change from sketchy to intriguing and strong.
posted by milarepa at 7:41 AM on February 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

I didn't have long relationships with girlfriends either, the longest being friends with benefits type. I always knew pretty quickly that these girlfriends weren't the one for me - or they knew it first and dumped me leaving me broken hearted. Then, I met the love of my life and Tada, happily married, house, kids, etc.

I actually think it helps not having as much negative baggage as some folks.
posted by mearls at 7:44 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Your story sounds completely reasonable to me. A lot of people who travel for different reasons, or are career oriented simply don't have time for long, serious relationships. You're entering a new phase of your life now where you are looking for something more serious, because you're ready for it. The only thing I would say is don't feel like you have to settle down now because your friends are. Sadly, a lot of these people getting married today, will be getting divorced in a few years time. Just make sure you're doing this for you, and not because settling down is what you're supposed to be doing in your mid-30s...but seriously, you sound fine.
posted by the foreground at 8:15 AM on February 16, 2010

I think it's all in the way you talk about it. Don't say, "I've never been in a relationship longer than three months." That makes it sound like something you ought to be ashamed of or defensive about. But if you say, "I spent most of my twenties traveling and never lived in one place for long, but now that I've settled down a bit more, I'm looking for something serious," that puts the focus back on your current date and on the positive.
posted by decathecting at 8:22 AM on February 16, 2010 [9 favorites]

As a fellow nomadic type who has been in this situation, the best advice I can give is to focus on the positive non-relationship aspects of your life. Instead of saying "my longest relationship was 3 months", play down the actual number. Explain that circumstances got in the way, or that the travel-heavy lifestyle you chose to lead in your 20s made having a long-term relationship a bit more difficult, so you just focused on living your life. You feel the past several years have given you the opportunity to mature and grow, and now you are better positioned to handle the ups and downs of the long-term relationship you desire.

How does that sound? Try explaining it like that (or something similar) and you will be fine.
posted by photo guy at 8:27 AM on February 16, 2010

You'll be fine. I think this is a little odd, but everybody has some quirks and this is very small in the grand scheme of things. Be confident, say it like it's no big deal (because it's not), and be willing to explain the reasons why.

If someone in their thirties said this to me, I'd think "That's a little strange. Oh well" and file it away for further consideration, but there's a million other things that are more important to me in a relationship. The only reason it would be a problem is if you act defensive or uncomfortable when explaining it.
posted by ripley_ at 8:54 AM on February 16, 2010

Agree with all the comments above about how you say it. This is not odd at all.

I wanted to mention something that hasn't come up yet- if someone thinks this is odd, you might want to be a lot more cautious about their past. There is a definite mis-match in perceptions if either of the two of you think the other is "odd" for the choices you made in life, assuming you actually thought about the choices you made rather than throw your hands up in the air and say, "oh, it (whatever that may be) just happened".
posted by xm at 9:25 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you told me this, I wouldn't make assumptions about you being a player or something, but I would be slightly concerned about your experience in making LTRs work. Not enough so that it would be a dealbreaker, but I would hope that you're open to putting in work to make the relationship work, and are aware that things tend to change after that first honeymoon period. I think your traveling makes up for it, in a way- if it was me, while I might be more experienced with LTRs, you would be more experienced with navigating a variety of settings and people, which balances itself out I think.
posted by emilyd22222 at 9:51 AM on February 16, 2010

you don't have to explain anything. i went through similar circumstances in my life, met my spouse in my mid 30s, and their path was similar to mine. we've been together for a decade. just live your life fully and happily, and good things come to you in their own time and not by any arbitrary schedule or timetable dictated by social pressures or unreasonable cultural expectations.
posted by kuppajava at 10:02 AM on February 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

Wait, are you looking for a LTR? Just say that...a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to say it is pretty damn appealing. Don't worry about your past. If anything, it makes a strong case for why you want what you want now. Let those who are scared or worried about it keep walking (if they aren't willing to talk to you or try to understand where you're coming from).

Have you had any female friends for longer than three months? That says a lot. Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. If you've got that dialed, and you've some experience with the sexual side of things too (it sounds like so), then you just haven't found a situation where you've had a chance to put your two skill sets together.

If you do have some platonic women in your life right now as well, you might consider getting their perspective on all this too. They might have an idea or two that might work for you.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:06 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

The way this reads to me is that you interact with women but you have yet to make any genuine connection. Speed dating is fine for superficial interaction and as a doorway, but you're not likely to get a real founded-on-more-than-attraction that way, usually. There are exceptions, but the odds are low.

Find an interest-based group that happens to have women in it. Meetup.com has some stuff, I'm sure there are other things in your community. Just be involved, without placing sexual or romantic expectations on anyone, and see who you end up really sharing your interest and passion with.
posted by medea42 at 10:30 AM on February 16, 2010

Wow, I could have written this question. I too spent the first part of my romantic career developing crushes on unattainable types (I've since realised my crushes were because they were unattainable, not despite of it). I spent my twenties in short-term relationships not always through choice. Now in my thirties I'm looking for something more lasting and meaningful (in all aspects of my life).

Neither of us are players. We just took a bit longer than others to figure out what we want. And rather than jumping from one LTR to another, we took the challenging route of learning to be comfortable in our own company (which is one of the hardest and greatest lessons in life in my opinion).

I agree with all the advice about putting a positive spin on things when talking to girls about your dating history. It won't only help give a positive impression of the storied and interesting past you clearly have, it will also make you feel more content with your life, present and past.

It has also helped me enormously to re-evaluate what I find attractive in a girl. Inward beauty and strength of character is what counts, at the end of the day, when looking for longer term relationships.

I'm still looking. Good luck you, good luck me.
posted by Conductor71 at 10:58 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think you are young enough to just say that you knew you weren't ready before now and you didn't want to hurt anyone needlessly. You could say you saw too many people making commitments too early so you decided not to make their mistake. You needed time to get to know yourself and to explore your options. Now you've finished with that phase; you needed to do it and see it through. It was necessary to get to where you are now.
posted by conrad53 at 3:00 PM on February 16, 2010

I haven't had an official Relationship, with a Boyfriend, since I was in high school. For a long time, I thought it was really embarrassing - but I've come to realize, I just had a lot of things to figure out, about relationships and about myself, before I was ready to be in a decent relationship. Some people just take longer to get there, and that's totally fine.

When I share this story, with men, I'm very matter-of-fact and positive about it, because actually I'm proud of myself. And I think other people get that, and they understand.

So, be proud of who you are and what you have gone through to get where you are, and others will respond in kind!
posted by Locochona at 5:50 PM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone, You are all too wise! Some real food for thought
posted by woodenfloored at 7:03 AM on February 17, 2010

Quick tidbits:
Depending on how you are saying it, you may be coming across placing too much emphasis on what *you* think is a weakness whereas the other person may come across thinking that "oh, that's someone who may just be open to a first and only good relationship"...

Portraying your "worrying about qualifying" yourself to get a mate while it may seem perfectly normal in your head, it comes across as a downside to the other person, hence, go with what others have said and focus on all the cool things you did and talk about them. Somewhere in your words you could be emphasizing a focus on relationships....be aware of what you are saying..

Do not consider first dates as the moments that will decide everything, nor should you consider first dates as rejections if they don't work out, they are simply sizing / feeling up another person.

In the Indian and Chinese cultures it seems that men and women end up marrying fairly late in their lives at times and many of them haven't even had sex as yet. Some marry early and then apparently attraction grows. My point is there's always someone different, someone not experienced the things you have, and some that have. Just be unique like everyone else ;-)
posted by iNfo.Pump at 8:09 PM on February 17, 2010