Believe it or not, I'm not screwing my boss.
February 11, 2010 5:09 PM Subscribe
My co-workers think I'm gettin it with my supervisor. What the hell do I do?
Here's the story: Female mid 20's. I work in an office with older women and we have a team lead who's male. He's close to my age and we get along, I don't really talk to my other colleagues as we don't have much in common. (I'm the age or younger than some of their children). I've worked for this company for 7 months. I've started taking on some of my lead's side work, nothing at all with managing people. He's still the team lead, but now has 1 less project to handle.
So now someone went to HR and told them that we're having a sexual relationship. They've launched an investigation. HR says they think it's silly, but have to investigate. I'm not fucking this guy or having sort of sexual relationship with him. We're just friends. I have my own boyfriend thankyouverymuch, and even if I didn't, no! Not my type!
How do I deal with this? I've never been in this type of situation before. What do I do about my co-workers who are obviously talking shit about me? And what does this type of thing mean for my permanent records with that company? What the hell does "an investigation" mean anyway?
Here's the story: Female mid 20's. I work in an office with older women and we have a team lead who's male. He's close to my age and we get along, I don't really talk to my other colleagues as we don't have much in common. (I'm the age or younger than some of their children). I've worked for this company for 7 months. I've started taking on some of my lead's side work, nothing at all with managing people. He's still the team lead, but now has 1 less project to handle.
So now someone went to HR and told them that we're having a sexual relationship. They've launched an investigation. HR says they think it's silly, but have to investigate. I'm not fucking this guy or having sort of sexual relationship with him. We're just friends. I have my own boyfriend thankyouverymuch, and even if I didn't, no! Not my type!
How do I deal with this? I've never been in this type of situation before. What do I do about my co-workers who are obviously talking shit about me? And what does this type of thing mean for my permanent records with that company? What the hell does "an investigation" mean anyway?
Just let it go. If there's no problem, there's no problem. Older co-workers may feel threatened by your youth, sense of possibility etc etc. HR is like the internet forum of the office place- Drop an anon tip and watch everyone BLOW UP.
Try building some bridges- Bring in donuts, hold a lunch. In the meantime, hunker down and keep at it. The truth will come out.
posted by GilloD at 5:22 PM on February 11, 2010
Try building some bridges- Bring in donuts, hold a lunch. In the meantime, hunker down and keep at it. The truth will come out.
posted by GilloD at 5:22 PM on February 11, 2010
Okay, you're a lot younger than everyone else. Be the grown up. Do your job, do it well. Let HR do whatever they heck they want, don't worry about it. Remember, it's not an excuse for the company to pry into your personal life, so don't let them - it's possibly even illegal depending where you are. Personal is personal.
Don't confirm or deny anything - just let people think what they think. Silence is a weapon too.... so unless other people start using this "rumor" to actually negatively affect your ability to do your job and feel safe at work - just let it ride.
posted by TravellingDen at 5:29 PM on February 11, 2010
Don't confirm or deny anything - just let people think what they think. Silence is a weapon too.... so unless other people start using this "rumor" to actually negatively affect your ability to do your job and feel safe at work - just let it ride.
posted by TravellingDen at 5:29 PM on February 11, 2010
I disagree with most of the above. There's taking the high road, which I agree with, and then there's tacitly admitting guilt, which is what I'd think you were doing if you followed the advice above. Hushing up is what someone who was screwing the boss would do. At the least, that's what they'll all be thinking. So if you refuse to admit or deny anything, if you don't even mention it but others find out about the investigation anyway, they'll all be thinking that you did it.
Someone wrongly accused you of screwing the boss, and you're rightfully mad about it. It's okay to let people know that. You don't need to grab a megaphone or anything, but don't try to hush this up. By all means, *deny*. Mention to a few people how you're being investigated, and you think it's ridiculous and offensive. Let it trickle through the grapevine.
Taking the high road does not mean letting people sling mud without reacting. It means reacting appropriately without causing drama. I think you can do that while making your innocence clear.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 5:41 PM on February 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
Someone wrongly accused you of screwing the boss, and you're rightfully mad about it. It's okay to let people know that. You don't need to grab a megaphone or anything, but don't try to hush this up. By all means, *deny*. Mention to a few people how you're being investigated, and you think it's ridiculous and offensive. Let it trickle through the grapevine.
Taking the high road does not mean letting people sling mud without reacting. It means reacting appropriately without causing drama. I think you can do that while making your innocence clear.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 5:41 PM on February 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
What do I do about my co-workers who are obviously talking shit about me?
To be fair, you don't know that. You know that one coworker has made a false allegation to HR about you. At least from what you've told us here, there's no evidence it goes beyond that one person, and it would be unfair to assume all or even many of your coworkers believe that. Act accordingly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:42 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
To be fair, you don't know that. You know that one coworker has made a false allegation to HR about you. At least from what you've told us here, there's no evidence it goes beyond that one person, and it would be unfair to assume all or even many of your coworkers believe that. Act accordingly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:42 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd let it go. It sucks, but just getting angry and actively attacking the situation, like kingjoeshmoe suggests, can just get you fired, especially being so new. Just do your job great and let the person, or people, talk shit; and when you catch wind of them talking about you then you can take that to HR.
You will always work with people like this, so it's best to learn how to play the game and let people hang themselves while you move on and actually DO your job.
On a different note, maybe your team lead is paying a bit too much attention to you and not to the team as a whole. This is not your fault.
good luck.
posted by zombieApoc at 5:54 PM on February 11, 2010
You will always work with people like this, so it's best to learn how to play the game and let people hang themselves while you move on and actually DO your job.
On a different note, maybe your team lead is paying a bit too much attention to you and not to the team as a whole. This is not your fault.
good luck.
posted by zombieApoc at 5:54 PM on February 11, 2010
Do your job, take the high road, mention your boyfriend conspicuously, and laugh off the rumours. Whether you acknowledge the rumours in a roundabout way depends a lot on your office culture, but I found it useful as an "in" to the subject, so that people could say, sotto voce, "so you're not reallllly sleeping with X like the rumor" and I could stay straight out "noooooo."
For me, bonus drama and hilarity points for an alleged lesbian relationship between two widely-known-to-be-straight but actually-both-bisexual women. Whole thing = fucking ridiculous, we still giggle about it.
posted by desuetude at 6:04 PM on February 11, 2010
For me, bonus drama and hilarity points for an alleged lesbian relationship between two widely-known-to-be-straight but actually-both-bisexual women. Whole thing = fucking ridiculous, we still giggle about it.
posted by desuetude at 6:04 PM on February 11, 2010
If it were me, I'd be tempted to lawyer up and threaten to sue for slander, or harassment, or hostile work environment. I don't think I'd sit by and passively accept being officially "investigated" on something so personal.
posted by amyms at 6:10 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by amyms at 6:10 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ask for a transfer. And a raise. And a promotion. Not in so many words, of course, but make it clear to HR that you take this seriously.
"I will cooperate with HR and answer relevant questions that pertain to my job and job performance. But here's my written statement indicating that I'm not comfortable working side-by-side with co-workers that have hurled unfounded aspersions about my personal and professional life and have contributed to what I consider the creation of an unsafe, hostile work environment. I'm requesting that the company explore assigning me to different work where I will not come into contact with this environment on a day-to-day basis."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:21 PM on February 11, 2010 [21 favorites]
"I will cooperate with HR and answer relevant questions that pertain to my job and job performance. But here's my written statement indicating that I'm not comfortable working side-by-side with co-workers that have hurled unfounded aspersions about my personal and professional life and have contributed to what I consider the creation of an unsafe, hostile work environment. I'm requesting that the company explore assigning me to different work where I will not come into contact with this environment on a day-to-day basis."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:21 PM on February 11, 2010 [21 favorites]
This employment lawyer says lawyer up.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:28 PM on February 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 6:28 PM on February 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
I don't really talk to my other colleagues as we don't have much in common. (I'm the age or younger than some of their children).
That's not a great reason to not talk to your colleagues.
It sounds like, in addition to being unfairly accused, you're learning a bit of a lesson in office politics, which is that it's generally not a great idea to just show up, do your job, get the boss to like you, and give everyone else the back of the hand because they're a bunch of olds.
They might actually be okay people, once you get to know them (everyone except the asshole who went to HR with nothing but office gossip, of course), even if they're old enough to be your parents (don't your parents have any nice friends you like to talk to?). And even if you never get to really like them personally, you should work on trying a little harder to get to know -- and be liked by -- your co-workers. You never know when you're going to need your co-workers' loyalty -- whether it's because you get sick and need someone to donate leave, or because someone's spreading office rumors and you need someone to step up and tell them to drop it.
posted by palliser at 6:28 PM on February 11, 2010 [11 favorites]
That's not a great reason to not talk to your colleagues.
It sounds like, in addition to being unfairly accused, you're learning a bit of a lesson in office politics, which is that it's generally not a great idea to just show up, do your job, get the boss to like you, and give everyone else the back of the hand because they're a bunch of olds.
They might actually be okay people, once you get to know them (everyone except the asshole who went to HR with nothing but office gossip, of course), even if they're old enough to be your parents (don't your parents have any nice friends you like to talk to?). And even if you never get to really like them personally, you should work on trying a little harder to get to know -- and be liked by -- your co-workers. You never know when you're going to need your co-workers' loyalty -- whether it's because you get sick and need someone to donate leave, or because someone's spreading office rumors and you need someone to step up and tell them to drop it.
posted by palliser at 6:28 PM on February 11, 2010 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: Ironmouth: what would/do I need an employment lawyer for? I'm completely confused. YANML. It's not legal advice.
posted by Attackpanda at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by Attackpanda at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010
If it were me, I'd be tempted to lawyer up and threaten to sue for slander, or harassment, or hostile work environment. I don't think I'd sit by and passively accept being officially "investigated" on something so personal.
Don't make any threats. Investigations like this are the opposite of personal. Lawyer up if it's bothering you, or you feel it's affecting your chances, but getting adversarial should always be a last resort in big office politics. Unless you have dynamite (it doesn't sound like you do), big corporations will crush you like an ant. Don't create the impression of being the difficult one - they already think the person wasting their time by causing a useless investigation is the difficult one. Let them keep that impression, and see who moves/gets moved along first.
posted by smoke at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't make any threats. Investigations like this are the opposite of personal. Lawyer up if it's bothering you, or you feel it's affecting your chances, but getting adversarial should always be a last resort in big office politics. Unless you have dynamite (it doesn't sound like you do), big corporations will crush you like an ant. Don't create the impression of being the difficult one - they already think the person wasting their time by causing a useless investigation is the difficult one. Let them keep that impression, and see who moves/gets moved along first.
posted by smoke at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mention to a few people how you're being investigated, and you think it's ridiculous and offensive.
I would really, really, strongly recommend against this.
Keep in mind that if this is an 'official' HR investigation, you're not the only one being investigated... your team lead is too, and the accuser is also a party to it. Sharing details of the investigation - especially unsolicited - is a serious breach of confidentiality and could get you into far more trouble than you'd be in if you were actually guilty of the accusation.
Depending on how you go about it, such actions could also be construed as retaliatory, which is likely to also get you into actual trouble.
Zip it and get on with your job. It sounds like HR is already on your side - nothing more you need to do. If anyone asks specifically about it: "Sorry, it's not appropriate for me to discuss that with you, so I'd appreciate it if you'd consider the subject closed. Thanks!"
posted by SquidLips at 7:31 PM on February 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
I would really, really, strongly recommend against this.
Keep in mind that if this is an 'official' HR investigation, you're not the only one being investigated... your team lead is too, and the accuser is also a party to it. Sharing details of the investigation - especially unsolicited - is a serious breach of confidentiality and could get you into far more trouble than you'd be in if you were actually guilty of the accusation.
Depending on how you go about it, such actions could also be construed as retaliatory, which is likely to also get you into actual trouble.
Zip it and get on with your job. It sounds like HR is already on your side - nothing more you need to do. If anyone asks specifically about it: "Sorry, it's not appropriate for me to discuss that with you, so I'd appreciate it if you'd consider the subject closed. Thanks!"
posted by SquidLips at 7:31 PM on February 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
Ironmouth: what would/do I need an employment lawyer for? I'm completely confused. YANML. It's not legal advice.
You are under investigation at your workplace. That is serious. I suggest going to the NELA website and use their lawyer search tool.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:44 PM on February 11, 2010
You are under investigation at your workplace. That is serious. I suggest going to the NELA website and use their lawyer search tool.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:44 PM on February 11, 2010
I didn't see the thing about them HR thinking it is silly. You might want to get a consult first, and then see what the lawyer says.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 PM on February 11, 2010
Really really really really don't talk to people about it. Don't talk about HR stuff outside HR. That's my only advice. Truth comes from SquidLips.
posted by Neofelis at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by Neofelis at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2010
2cent time
If one hypothesizes, one could conjure up that someone who is jealous of you is doing this to derail the lead from giving work to you but rather think of someone else. Maybe it's a prank too. Be very careful what you talk to HR and always keep good relations. HR is there to protect the corporation/company, not you.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 10:31 AM on February 12, 2010
If one hypothesizes, one could conjure up that someone who is jealous of you is doing this to derail the lead from giving work to you but rather think of someone else. Maybe it's a prank too. Be very careful what you talk to HR and always keep good relations. HR is there to protect the corporation/company, not you.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 10:31 AM on February 12, 2010
I have been in this situation, except in my case, I was rumored to have a relationship with a manager who did not directly supervise me. I did not do the right (i.e., effective) thing. Here's what I did do: > Mention to a few people how you're being investigated, and you think it's ridiculous and offensive. Let it trickle through the grapevine.
I told management there was nothing going on and expected them to handle it, because they said they would. After they handled it by being conspicuously silent and inactive, I began talking to coworkers and denying that anything inappropriate was going on. That just got them talking more, and it (rightly, in retrospect) made me look like a histrionic, desperate drama queen.
What I should have done was go straight to HR. I should have told them that I found myself in a hostile work environment, that my coworkers were spreading slanderous and possibly malicious information about me, and that it was affecting my ability to maintain trusting working relationships with my colleagues -- and therefore perform my job effectively. I should have told HR that I expected them to ameliorate the situation, and I should have then let them propose a cause of action, which I would have asked to be able to approve.
That's what I should have done, rather than try to convince my petty, catty coworkers that I was not doing what they thought I was doing. Because you can't change petty, catty coworkers' opinions of you for the better. All you can do is give them more to talk about. That's why it's best to get HR involved on your behalf immediately. They have a vested interest in staving off any harassment that may come of this. Use that to your advantage.
I tell you all this because my situation ended miserably. Although management proved themselves absolutely inept and unable and, frankly, unwilling to curb the gossip of my coworkers, I kept agreeing to let them handle it and to keep HR out of it. That was a huge, naive mistake on my part. Eventually, one of those catty coworkers, who worked for the manager I was rumored to be sleeping with, got it in her head that the manager was going to fire her and put me in that job. This led to a series of just-short-of-threatening anonymous emails and, on one fine day, finding a butcher knife in my yard. Management did nothing except to tell me that they were taking care of it. Again, I should have gone straight to HR.
Go to HR. The system is set up to protect to company from workers who have been harmed in their jobs. You need to make a case and outline the harm that this is causing you -- whether to your reputation, or your psyche, or your productivity.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:17 AM on February 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
I told management there was nothing going on and expected them to handle it, because they said they would. After they handled it by being conspicuously silent and inactive, I began talking to coworkers and denying that anything inappropriate was going on. That just got them talking more, and it (rightly, in retrospect) made me look like a histrionic, desperate drama queen.
What I should have done was go straight to HR. I should have told them that I found myself in a hostile work environment, that my coworkers were spreading slanderous and possibly malicious information about me, and that it was affecting my ability to maintain trusting working relationships with my colleagues -- and therefore perform my job effectively. I should have told HR that I expected them to ameliorate the situation, and I should have then let them propose a cause of action, which I would have asked to be able to approve.
That's what I should have done, rather than try to convince my petty, catty coworkers that I was not doing what they thought I was doing. Because you can't change petty, catty coworkers' opinions of you for the better. All you can do is give them more to talk about. That's why it's best to get HR involved on your behalf immediately. They have a vested interest in staving off any harassment that may come of this. Use that to your advantage.
I tell you all this because my situation ended miserably. Although management proved themselves absolutely inept and unable and, frankly, unwilling to curb the gossip of my coworkers, I kept agreeing to let them handle it and to keep HR out of it. That was a huge, naive mistake on my part. Eventually, one of those catty coworkers, who worked for the manager I was rumored to be sleeping with, got it in her head that the manager was going to fire her and put me in that job. This led to a series of just-short-of-threatening anonymous emails and, on one fine day, finding a butcher knife in my yard. Management did nothing except to tell me that they were taking care of it. Again, I should have gone straight to HR.
Go to HR. The system is set up to protect to company from workers who have been harmed in their jobs. You need to make a case and outline the harm that this is causing you -- whether to your reputation, or your psyche, or your productivity.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:17 AM on February 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
2nding mudpuppie. Especially this: "Go to HR ... You need to make a case and outline the harm that this is causing you -- whether to your reputation, or your psyche, or your productivity."
The wrong person is being investigated here. HR needs to know that someone is harming you AND the company by spreading this sort of vicious rumor.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:31 PM on February 12, 2010
The wrong person is being investigated here. HR needs to know that someone is harming you AND the company by spreading this sort of vicious rumor.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:31 PM on February 12, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by nadawi at 5:20 PM on February 11, 2010 [6 favorites]