Time Needed for Sexy Fun Time
February 9, 2010 4:02 PM   Subscribe

SexyTimeFilter: My wife and I are in our mid 20s and are starting to see a decline in the amount of sex we're having. By the time bedtime rolls around, we just want to hit the sheets, not roll in them. When do you have sex to avoid this, and what other things do you do so that sex isn't the last thing on your list?

My wife and I have been married for about 8 months, now, but we lived together for 2 years before that, and have been together for a long while. Like most romances, the whirlwind sex period happened, and the tapering has begun.

We're sexually attracted to each other, get grabby, make out, cuddle, and are physically intimate, but after a long day, making dinner, going to the gym, and everything else, sex isn't on our list. In fact, since we're both trying to get in shape, doing anything except breathing lighting after the gym is generally right out. Our usual was sex about 3-4 times a week at the beginning, but now we hover right around 1, which is less than we'd both like to be having.

My question is two fold: if you have sex in the evenings, when do you have it? It seems like there's always something else to do, or something else I should be doing (this has to be with procrastination and anxiety issues that I'm dealing with, but there ya go). It's not that I want to do my banal grading or something more than getting frisky, but I feel like I should accomplish what I need to first. Which I generally don't, leading to problems. By the time bedtime rolls around, it's late, and we just want sleep.

Secondly, if not in the evenings, when? I'm not asking for a poll, but moreso, what random times are good? I'm not looking to schedule sex (God help me if it ever gets to that), but ideas such as first thing in the morning (we're not morning people) and as soon as you get home (we're on schedules that don't always make that possible).

Our libidos have both been off a bit recently in general, and we're working on that as well. I just want to know: when you're tired, when the day is busy, when life happens, how do you make your sex life not seem like less of a priority?

Throwaway E-mail: AnonymousTiredDude@gmail.com
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (41 answers total) 46 users marked this as a favorite

Secondly, if not in the evenings, when? I'm not asking for a poll, but moreso, what random times are good?

Right after work. Whoever was home first attacks whoever arrives second.

This works especially well if you are stressed out from your day. Then when you're lying around after... talk about dinner, going out later, whatever.

It's a great time.
posted by rokusan at 4:05 PM on February 9, 2010 [14 favorites]

We're not married, but we may as well be. We usually um, do it late at night, right before going to sleep, but sometimes right after work... if it's the weekend, then, whenever, usually afternoon and then later at night, or what not.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:08 PM on February 9, 2010

rokusan has it. If you are home first, you pounce. Partner may be given a short window of time to go freshen up if necessary after which time the pouncing continues.
posted by greekphilosophy at 4:11 PM on February 9, 2010

If you're too tired or busy from a day's activities to boink, free up some unscheduled time when boinking is the obvious activity. Plan to have an empty evening or two every week. There's no real long term solution to being too tired for sex than changing your lifestyle so that you're (at least occasionally) not too tired.

Also, and this requires a bit of talking and agreement, if your sexual encounters tend to be these heavyweight affairs with lots of foreplay and athleticism and cuddling afterwards, learn to have quickies. It can be off-putting when your energy is borderline to think 'we should have sex, but I don't have 90 minutes free'. Sex doesn't have to be "sell the videotape" worthy every time.
posted by fatbird at 4:14 PM on February 9, 2010 [4 favorites]

Generally, weekend mornings and/or afternoons. Sometimes we'll have sex at night, but we do sort of schedule it--one of us will ask the other if they're up for sex later, so we know to get to bed early enough so sex can happen. We also have a standing date night on Fridays, and it'll usually be assumed that we'll be having sex on those nights when we get home from dinner/a movie/whatever, although sometimes we're too tired or tipsy and put it off for the next day.

The after work pouncing thing sometimes happens, but not often. I walk home from work (in Florida) so am usually pretty sweaty and hungry (and not for cock) when I get home.

If you're scheduling everything else in your life, and not scheduling sex, then you probably won't be having sex. I mean, couldn't you just give up working out once a week and exchange that for rigorous, athletic sexytimes? If it's a priority to you, treat it like one!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:18 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Definitely do it in the mornings, weekend afternoons, right after work. You might think you don't have time in the mornings, but try thinking outside of the "foreplay to full penetration" box. I'm just saying (and I hope you don't mind me being frank) that some vigorous mutual hand job action in the am can be a great start to the day. After all, you're probably going to masturbate in the shower anyway...
posted by Morpeth at 4:20 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, and if one of us suggests evening sex to the other, it's generally sometime a bit after dinner. If we wait until after 11 or so, we're usually too tired. But if you're still up after mid-evening sex, there's plenty of time to still grade or surf the internet or whatever.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:23 PM on February 9, 2010

PhoBWanKenobi has it - and what i was going to say - it sounds like your lives are very scheduled, so by having some sort of stigma against scheduling sex, you're having less of it.

if you both want more like 3 times a week, schedule light days at the gym - mon/wed/fri are heavy gym days, tues/thurs/sat are light gym days. on the light gym days, also plan for light meals that can be made in 20 minutes or less. whoever gets home first, clean up a little, take a shower, put on some music, chill some wine. when the second person gets home, devote 30 minutes or so to unwinding them, then send them to the shower and then to the bed. after the sexy times, make dinner, grade papers, and go to bed satisfied.
posted by nadawi at 4:25 PM on February 9, 2010 [5 favorites]

Date night! It works for the Obamas, why not you? And date night doesn't have to be anything elaborate, with fancy dinners out and formal clothes (though that is fun) -- it can be as simple as setting up a time to watch a fun movie on dvd and eat popcorn. The point is to have a deliberate interruption to all the pieces of your usual routine (gym, grading, reading MeFi) and instead focus on each other similar to how one does at the beginning of a relationship.

Sex is good at almost any time; one way to have more of it is to give yourselves permission to have quickies and other non-elaborate sex, so as to have it take less energy and commitment. And put some surprises back in your sensual life -- wear some joke underwear to bed, leave presents for each other, and so on. Again, like date night, you are looking to lightly interrupt all the stultifying routines of your daily lives -- not a total shakeup, just a rearranging from grading to humping.
posted by Forktine at 4:30 PM on February 9, 2010 [7 favorites]

Here is another idea...

Schedule an evening or two per week as "time off" from work and responsibilities. Instead, make it: Free Time w/ My Beloved Time!

Go to movies, lectures, a walk, hang out, read together, etc. etc.

Take no calls, emails, or interruptions. If you do go to the gym, it's to have fun together and then come home to play some more. Get it?

When you are scheduling "Fun Time" into your married life, you are giving yourselves opportunity for "SEXXY TIME!" to happen spontaneously and without distraction.

posted by jbenben at 4:34 PM on February 9, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm not looking to schedule sex (God help me if it ever gets to that)

Ha, twenty-somethings. Wait'll you have kids, kid.

how do you make your sex life not seem like less of a priority

By making it a priority. Right now by my count not being a morning person, working out, making dinner, and sitting around fretting about the work you ought to be doing but aren't are receiving higher priorities in your life.

It only gets harder. If you think scheduling sex sounds bad, ponder the possibility of scheduling NOT having sex - 24/7/365. Guess what, it's just as much fun when it's planned.
posted by nanojath at 4:42 PM on February 9, 2010 [10 favorites]

In fact, since we're both trying to get in shape, doing anything except breathing lighting after the gym is generally right out.

There is no reason to work out to the point of total exhaustion all the time. Sometimes you'll be pretty tired after a hard work out, but if you are absolutely exhausted after every work out, you are working out too hard. Tone some of those workouts down until you still feel frisky afterwards. Better yet, replace some gym days with outdoor physical activities you can do together (hiking, biking, running, whatever). You'll full much better afterwards than you will coming home from the gym.
posted by ssg at 4:45 PM on February 9, 2010

Twenty-somethings here who aren't married but have been living together for 3 years. I find that by the time we go to bed we're both either too exhausted to have sexytime or have to get up super-early and really need the sleep.

So, while we don't have sex as much as we'd like, we do make it a point to initiate sex shortly after getting home from work or during our down time after dinner. Once I hit the sheets for the night, I really just want to get to sleep most nights.
posted by InsanePenguin at 4:49 PM on February 9, 2010

I'm not looking to schedule sex (God help me if it ever gets to that)

I don't think I could do that either, as the idea does chill me, but keep in mind that by restricting yourself to sex only late at night (at bedtime), you're doing almost the same thing now.

People are different. Try different times until you find something that clicks. But do try to be spontaneous, as contradictory as that may sound.
posted by rokusan at 4:59 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sex can start anytime. It can start with an intense kiss just before you go your separate ways to work in the morning. It can start with an unexpected phone call mid-day that sends blood rushing. It can be a text message spelling out in nasty detail your plans for his/her body later.

It's the tease. The temptation. Make the waiting the game. No touching...just looking. Make him/her tell you what s/he wants. And how. Do it all day long.

Watch her getting dressed in the morning. How she picks the clothes that flatter herself, that make her confident. Watch her as she twists in the mirror to see what you would see as she crosses the street at a busy intersection. Notice how she likes herself. Take her into your head for the day. And play with her there. Tell her how she looks. Tell her what she does to you.

You are the gun. She is the bullet. And throughout the day, the two of you, locked. Loaded. Waiting to release your shared potential.

When you get home. Make each other wait. Fix dinner in your sexiest underwear. Feed each other. Taste.

See each other as sexy. Concentrate on that sexiness. Sex will not be something that gets scheduled. You will find yourself unaware of the house burning around you. Aware only of your own heat.
posted by nickjadlowe at 5:02 PM on February 9, 2010 [9 favorites]

A lot of people up thread mentioned scheduling, but sometimes it's easier than that. If at any point in my dinking around on AskMe or facebook, Mrs. Advicepig were to say.. ask for some help in the bedroom... I think it'd be pretty easy to close the laptop. But if she were to just wait until I was done, I would waste a ton of time online or on any number of things I would place lower on my priority list than sex with my lovely wife.
posted by advicepig at 5:19 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

What nanojath said -- some of us have very full lives, with kids and jobs and all sorts of things that have to get done before bedtime. Scheduling is, by definition, not spontaneous, so you lose spontaneity. But -- and this is the part that actually counts -- you will have sex. And it can be just as great, good, or mediocre as you two make it.

I wish it were different, but y'know, it ain't the end of the world, and speaking for me/us, I think our average is pretty awesome.
posted by mosk at 5:23 PM on February 9, 2010

Easy one for me is, I never say no to sex. Of course there's an asterisk there, duh, if one of us has nasty stuff coming out both ends or has a migraine or whatever, there isn't gonna be any sex. But, grumpy tired day, smelling bad, hell-week being smeared over the newspapers all week, etc isn't gonna preclude any sex.


Because, even if I'm not in the mood, five minutes later I almost certainly will be. Why don't you guys try it for a month, it works! In my most recent sexual relationship I unilaterally decided this was what I was going to do, and it quickly developed into something we were both doing.

nb: You'll notice that a LOT of the people posting in this thread are also posting a lot in the kink threads - that's cause these are people who put a lot of time, thought and energy into making their sex lives fun. If you do the same - go forth and make your sex life as enjoyable as you can for each other - you will find yourself less tired in the evening, believe me. :)
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:29 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

but ideas such as first thing in the morning (we're not morning people)

Is your wife a coffee drinker? I find that coffee in bed is excellent foreplay. When someone brings you a cup, takes off their clothes and climbs back into bed with you, it sort of puts your libido on notice that something's up — but then you get another ten or twenty minutes to snuggle and build up anticipation while the two of you get your blood caffeine levels high enough to do something about it. Best for weekend mornings unless you're good at quickies.

Actually, that's my other bit of advice. Get good at quickies.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:31 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

It seems like there's always something else to do, or something else I should be doing (this has to be with procrastination and anxiety issues that I'm dealing with, but there ya go)
There may be an opportunity in reducing the procrastination time you mention.
The action of procrastination may not seem like it but it is a big time suck. Ironically, even though time is being spent thinking about the avoided task, nothing is being accomplished towards the avoided task; so you'd actually be better off during that time just doing anything else, maybe SFT. Your efforts and attention stay focused into procrastination which then exudes its negative effects. In my experience can be dealt with in three ways:

1. continue to let it take up your time and emotions (do nothing)
2. use the frustration to take action to address the avoided task
3. set it aside (temporarily) in order to completely set it aside during a SFT interval

Procrastination should be treated as a draining hobby in your life. It takes time and uses your energy, plus it discourages you each moment your engaged with it. I only say this because for each effective step you take interrupting moments of procrastination, there open more and more times and occasional moments of reduced stress where life can return to something sexually more familiar from your past.

This will have the greatest impact once you realize that when you think you're procrastinating on one thing, you're actually procrastinating on everything in your life. The sooner you break out of procrastination actions you reclaim time for the other things in your life.
posted by buzzv at 5:42 PM on February 9, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm going to put together a list of things you've prioritized before your sex life in this question alone:

- Sleep
- Making a proper meal
- The gym
- Banal grading
- Your schedules as they are now
- Your issues with mornings

Is it safe to assume that there are more things on this list than you put in your question? It's not that you're actively saying "banal grading is more important to me than sex" but in each instance, your actions make that point.

What do you do? You re-prioritize. You make the active decision not to be a couple whose sex life comes second. Recognize the importance (to your marriage, your happiness, your stress levels and to your productivity) of a healthy sex life and put it before a lot of the things on this list.

If you sleep an hour less one night a month, order takeout one night, skip the gym once and come home from work a little early once, you've doubled your sexual output. How much would each of those things hurt you in the overall scheme if done once a month? My guess is not much.

It's little decisions here and there that make a sex life amazing.
posted by Hiker at 5:46 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

We don't schedule sex, but we do have a day (Sundays) of No Sex. That way no one has to feel bad for being too tired, at least one day a week.

Also, the answer for us is: whenever the baby is sleeping. Which is usually in the late afternoon, which is perfect for all the reasons everyone has already mentioned.
posted by dpx.mfx at 5:49 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Quickie hack - you're all wearing clothes with which you can get access to each other in like, five seconds, yeah?
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:49 PM on February 9, 2010

I'm not looking to schedule sex (God help me if it ever gets to that)

If you're having sex once a week, it's gotten to that.

You could have a loose schedule -- say, Friday night, both weekend afternoons (if it's work that often gets in the way), and a floating weekday evening after work. Think of the spontaneity as being traded off for anticipation.

And never say no!
posted by palliser at 6:23 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Light foods for dinner, if you want to have sex in the evening. I am never feeling less sexual than when I've got a belly full of chicken wings and potato skins.
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:25 PM on February 9, 2010

You want to be having more sex, but you never seem to feel like having sex. That's a major disconnect. Seems like one of those two is not real. Either you want more sex and it's not happening for some reason, or you feel like you should have more sex but it's just not that appealing. I mean, you either want it or you don't, and if you want it—if you both want it—then it just kinda happens. OK, you're 20-something, you feel like you should be getting more. But you also want to get ahead in your career, etc., etc. There's a choice to be made there.

Schedule the whole evening, every evening, for sex. Set your alarm and do the grading in the morning. Priorities.
posted by bricoleur at 6:46 PM on February 9, 2010

"Scheduling sex" will have a stigma to it as long as you continue to stigmatize it. Get over it. You carve time out of your day to exercise? Plan ahead to celebrate your anniversary? Turn down a dinner invitation because you'd decided to stay home and watch a movie together? Well, so what's wrong with deciding that tomorrow you're gonna get it on?

Yes, putting it into your planer and blocking exactly 22 minutes is pretty silly. But, when you look at each other and realize you're just too tired to have sex tonight, saying okay, TOMORROW we have sex? Perfectly reasonable.

And when you commit to doing something, knowing that you have to accomplish it before a certain time - whether that's because the store closes at 9 or you're too full after dinner to do that flying cowgirl move - you make allowances and shift other things around. Sex right after you get home, or you set the alarm 30 minutes earlier. Whatever.

Or you can keep on with this romantic attachment to it Just Happening when it happens to fit into your otherwise busy schedules and have less of it than you wish you were having. Your choice.
posted by phearlez at 6:56 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

As far as scheduling goes: You don't have to actually schedule sex. But you can schedule undistracted chunks of time together, which create the opportunity for sex, as someone said up-thread. Do you have a habit of chatting about your day together, for instance? Do it in bed. The snuggling is nice even if sex doesn't happen. And sometimes sex will happen. More often than if you have that same conversation at the dining room table, or while one of you is flipping through the mail and the other one is minding the stir-fry.
posted by not that girl at 7:14 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Sunday mornings. Wake up and go. Don't even think about anything else, like breakfast, until you're heading for the shower afterwards.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:23 PM on February 9, 2010

(1) De-emphasize intercourse
(2) Emphasize foreplay and fooling around.
(3) New rule--whenever one partner flirts, touches, kisses whatever, the other party is required to respond in a sexy way. It could only be for a few seconds, but some positive sexy response is required.
(4) if needed, there could be an "ambush rule" where each party has to initiate some sexual activity at least once a week. You are not allowed to schedule it--so part of it is about timing, mood and fun. You never know when you could be caught, so be ready!
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 PM on February 9, 2010 [5 favorites]

Maybe you just need to both be proactive about initiating sexy fun time or responding to each other....

Maybe allocate each of you 3 times or something per week you need to initiate some sexy fun time.... i'm not sure locking in to a specific time of day is good....
posted by JohnBlaze at 8:51 PM on February 9, 2010

Order a pizza and you have 20 minutes to get busy before it arrives.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:23 PM on February 9, 2010

pseudostrabismus: that works considerably less well if your 50 minute delivery arrives 30 minutes earlier than expected and your roommate in the living room wants to know why you won't come out of your room... or so I've heard.
posted by tantivy at 10:16 PM on February 9, 2010

My husband and I have been inspired on more than one occasion while winding down with an episode of one of the various HBO shows packed with gratuitous explicit sex scenes. (Rome, Deadwood, etc.)
posted by Jacqueline at 11:32 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

There's nothing wrong with scheduling sex, if you're a scheduling type person. Husband and I are both not very spontaneous and prefer a little forewarning. We also don't particularly enjoy going down on each other after a day's worth of sweat.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:57 PM on February 9, 2010

For post-work, pre-dinner sex, throw together an easy dish (soup, casserole, etc.) that can just simmer on the stovetop or roast in the oven for awhile. Then, while it's cooking... stir up a cocktail and get cookin'. So when you're ready to eat, dinner's ready for you.

Additionally: lazy weekend mornings/early afternoons were made for fooling around.

Finally: yeah, get over the stigma of scheduling sex. There are people right now having unimaginably HOT sex that A) they scheduled, and B) they otherwise wouldn't be having. Make of that what you will.
posted by scody at 12:17 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

I recently rediscovered this thread which has a bunch of great advice.
posted by sambosambo at 5:38 AM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nthing there is nothing wrong with scheduling sex if need be. Scheduling doesn't have to be "I will have my secretary call your secretary, but I will tentatively pencil you in for Tuesday from 1:30-2:00PM. Also, let's see if we can cuddle from 2:00-2:10." You don't have to put it on your schedule. Mrs. Silvertree and I have a great sex life but we still take a shower together every Sunday, if the rest of the week has been particularly frisky or even if it has not. If that isn't scheduled, I don't know what it is. Yet it doesn't diminish how much fun it is every Sunday. In fact, it gives us something to look forward to.

For the rest of the week, Hiker has it right. What do you have to do that is more important than sex with your SO?
posted by Silvertree at 5:56 AM on February 10, 2010

sleep naked.
posted by anya32 at 6:02 AM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I am exceptionally uninterested in having sex in the morning, so I understand not wanting to do that.

It might be useful to keep one particular thing in mind: sex is great exercise.

Skip one of those exhausting sessions at the gym (which you really shouldn't be having multiple times a week anyway) and give yourself the night off to seriously fool around at home. Don't think of it as scheduling sex, think of it as making sure you guys both get what you need - physically - out of your relationship. It's just as important as talking, as cooking together, as casual intimacy, as relaxation time. It's a priority, make sure you approach it as one.
posted by lydhre at 7:00 AM on February 10, 2010

It might be useful to keep one particular thing in mind: sex is great exercise.

Skip one of those exhausting sessions at the gym (which you really shouldn't be having multiple times a week anyway) and give yourself the night off to seriously fool around at home. Don't think of it as scheduling sex, think of it as making sure you guys both get what you need - physically - out of your relationship. It's just as important as talking, as cooking together, as casual intimacy, as relaxation time. It's a priority, make sure you approach it as one.

I was going to post something very similar to this.
posted by knapah at 2:42 PM on February 10, 2010

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