[relationship filter] How do I get my girlfriend to believe me when I say that I don't hate her family?
February 5, 2010 8:16 AM Subscribe
[relationship filter] How do I get my girlfriend to believe me when I say that I don't hate her family?
Background: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3+ years. We've only lived in the same city for 2 of those 3 years, beating the odds as one of those couples in which a long distance thing eventually worked out.
Her family lives close by, parents a 45 minute drive away and sister/brother in law (about 7 years older than us) in the same city. She is very close to her family, and I absolutely respect that. I also happen to think her family is pretty awesome. We spend a lot of time with them, and it's probably only one weekend a month or so that we don't see either her sister, her parents, or both.
My girlfriend has some anxiety issues, and whenever she meets someone new she instantly thinks they dislike her. I'm not sure this has anything to do with that, but I think it might.
With the snow coming, her parents invited us to their house to get snowed in for the weekend. Her sister also invited us to their house. The problem is, the invitations make it sound like we are expected to come, going as far as suggesting things to bring and such. I'd be much more comfortable at my place if I'm going to be stuck somewhere. I've explained this to her, and she interprets it as "I must hate her family because I don't want to do that." I also don't want to keep her from being with her family if that's what she wants to do. But she doesn't seem to want to go without me.
I've tried discussing this with her, and we can't seem to come to a fair compromise resolution.
tl;dr: whenever I don't want to hang out with her family, it is seen as "I hate her family." I don't want to keep her from being happy, and her family makes her happy. If I don't go, she doesn't go.
Background: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3+ years. We've only lived in the same city for 2 of those 3 years, beating the odds as one of those couples in which a long distance thing eventually worked out.
Her family lives close by, parents a 45 minute drive away and sister/brother in law (about 7 years older than us) in the same city. She is very close to her family, and I absolutely respect that. I also happen to think her family is pretty awesome. We spend a lot of time with them, and it's probably only one weekend a month or so that we don't see either her sister, her parents, or both.
My girlfriend has some anxiety issues, and whenever she meets someone new she instantly thinks they dislike her. I'm not sure this has anything to do with that, but I think it might.
With the snow coming, her parents invited us to their house to get snowed in for the weekend. Her sister also invited us to their house. The problem is, the invitations make it sound like we are expected to come, going as far as suggesting things to bring and such. I'd be much more comfortable at my place if I'm going to be stuck somewhere. I've explained this to her, and she interprets it as "I must hate her family because I don't want to do that." I also don't want to keep her from being with her family if that's what she wants to do. But she doesn't seem to want to go without me.
I've tried discussing this with her, and we can't seem to come to a fair compromise resolution.
tl;dr: whenever I don't want to hang out with her family, it is seen as "I hate her family." I don't want to keep her from being happy, and her family makes her happy. If I don't go, she doesn't go.
Despite your honest preference to stay home, why don't you go along this time and demonstrate your friendliness toward her family in person? It should be more effective than trying to argue your case.
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posted by General Tonic at 8:24 AM on February 5, 2010
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posted by General Tonic at 8:24 AM on February 5, 2010
This isn't about whether or not you've said the right thing.
This: "We spend a lot of time with them, and it's probably only one weekend a month or so that we don't see either her sister, her parents, or both" plus "I must hate her family because I don't want to [spend the weekend snowed in with them]" does not compute at all: you've given her zero reasons to suspect you dislike her family and many reasons to believe that you enjoy spending time with them. You mention that she has some anxiety issues and worries about people assuming they dislike her. Your current dilemma sounds like more of the same. It would be appropriate to sit down and say "I love you, I like your family, and I enjoy spending time together with them. What you're insisting--that I must hate your family because I don't want to go over there this weekend--is false and feels manipulative."
Stop trying to prove to her that you don't hate her family. Ask her how the two of you can work toward helping her with her (apparently quite serious) anxiety and self-esteem issues.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:28 AM on February 5, 2010
This: "We spend a lot of time with them, and it's probably only one weekend a month or so that we don't see either her sister, her parents, or both" plus "I must hate her family because I don't want to [spend the weekend snowed in with them]" does not compute at all: you've given her zero reasons to suspect you dislike her family and many reasons to believe that you enjoy spending time with them. You mention that she has some anxiety issues and worries about people assuming they dislike her. Your current dilemma sounds like more of the same. It would be appropriate to sit down and say "I love you, I like your family, and I enjoy spending time together with them. What you're insisting--that I must hate your family because I don't want to go over there this weekend--is false and feels manipulative."
Stop trying to prove to her that you don't hate her family. Ask her how the two of you can work toward helping her with her (apparently quite serious) anxiety and self-esteem issues.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:28 AM on February 5, 2010
Response by poster: @General Tonic
I constantly display nothing but friendliness towards her family, because I genuinely do like them and enjoy their company. Like I said, I probably see them 3 weekends a month. The main issue with this particular instance is that we're expecing 1-2 feet of snow, and I'm worried if we go to her sister's place for the night we'll end up stuck there until Monday.
posted by DrDreidel at 8:28 AM on February 5, 2010
I constantly display nothing but friendliness towards her family, because I genuinely do like them and enjoy their company. Like I said, I probably see them 3 weekends a month. The main issue with this particular instance is that we're expecing 1-2 feet of snow, and I'm worried if we go to her sister's place for the night we'll end up stuck there until Monday.
posted by DrDreidel at 8:28 AM on February 5, 2010
If sounds like she doesn't really want to know how you feel about her family. This is one of two things, or maybe a combination of the two:
1) She's trying to use guilt to manipulate you into behaving as she would like.
2) She's so anxious about whether you liker her family that she can't accept, or even hear, what you say about your feelings.
Notice that neither of these things is the least bit affected by your insistence that you really do like her family. So stop insisting. If she asks, then answer and be done with it.
The way to deal with the manipulation is to draw boundaries. You should be willing to negotiate about what you will do together, but don't let her use guilt to shape your decisions.
The way to deal with the anxiety is a subtler matter, but you should probably be ready to listen a lot more than you talk. Her anxieties are all about her. Try to help her settle down so she can think straight and work through it, but don't take responsibility for stuff you can't control.
posted by jon1270 at 8:29 AM on February 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
1) She's trying to use guilt to manipulate you into behaving as she would like.
2) She's so anxious about whether you liker her family that she can't accept, or even hear, what you say about your feelings.
Notice that neither of these things is the least bit affected by your insistence that you really do like her family. So stop insisting. If she asks, then answer and be done with it.
The way to deal with the manipulation is to draw boundaries. You should be willing to negotiate about what you will do together, but don't let her use guilt to shape your decisions.
The way to deal with the anxiety is a subtler matter, but you should probably be ready to listen a lot more than you talk. Her anxieties are all about her. Try to help her settle down so she can think straight and work through it, but don't take responsibility for stuff you can't control.
posted by jon1270 at 8:29 AM on February 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
Have you tried explaining why you want to be at home, rather than why you don't want to be with her family?
posted by sallybrown at 8:37 AM on February 5, 2010
posted by sallybrown at 8:37 AM on February 5, 2010
This sounds very manipulative to me and that she is using this "accusation" to try to get her way. Given how much you already see her family and your descriptions of your interactions with them, I find it hard to believe that she really believes that you actually dislike her family. So stop trying to convince her of what she already knows is true.
posted by murrey at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2010
posted by murrey at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2010
Interpreting "you won't do what my parents want" as "you hate my parents" is a bit on the emotional blackmail side, and you're entitled to say as much -- but ultimately we interact with our parents the way we do, and it's very hard sometimes to understand other points of view.
For instance, my wife talks to her mother just about every single day, and I talk to my mother once every few weeks to every few months. We both love our mothers, we're both close to our mothers, but we have different levels of interaction and that's just fine (even if we have a hard time understanding each other's point of view.)
That she equates your behavior as actively hurtful makes sense in the context of her and her family, just not in the context of you and yours, and vice versa (ie what you interpret as "we are expected to come" is to her just her parents making it clear she's loved and wanted.) A healthy respect for both positions is necessary for your relationship to work.
Of course, going forward, you should try giving in a little bit to see if you can push out of your comfort zone and accept their attentions as caring rather than manipulation -- and she should try giving in a little bit and accepting that lack of constant explicit emotional support from you does not equate with lack of emotional connection. That's the compromise; respect each other's position, trust that you're both expressing yourselves honestly, and try a little of each other's worldview on for size one in a while.
personally, the thought of being snowed in with anyone's parents/siblings, including my own, sounds like no fun at all -- but I've pushed through that to spend several days in a row with my wife's parents in their home with initial discomfort. Ultimately it has helped me be closer to them, and I've gotten over that discomfort. similarly, my wife is working hard to stop making a big deal out of my mother not flying out to visit us and the kids -- to stop interpreting her unwillingness to fly/go to earthquake country as a personal affront of some kind.
posted by davejay at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
For instance, my wife talks to her mother just about every single day, and I talk to my mother once every few weeks to every few months. We both love our mothers, we're both close to our mothers, but we have different levels of interaction and that's just fine (even if we have a hard time understanding each other's point of view.)
That she equates your behavior as actively hurtful makes sense in the context of her and her family, just not in the context of you and yours, and vice versa (ie what you interpret as "we are expected to come" is to her just her parents making it clear she's loved and wanted.) A healthy respect for both positions is necessary for your relationship to work.
Of course, going forward, you should try giving in a little bit to see if you can push out of your comfort zone and accept their attentions as caring rather than manipulation -- and she should try giving in a little bit and accepting that lack of constant explicit emotional support from you does not equate with lack of emotional connection. That's the compromise; respect each other's position, trust that you're both expressing yourselves honestly, and try a little of each other's worldview on for size one in a while.
personally, the thought of being snowed in with anyone's parents/siblings, including my own, sounds like no fun at all -- but I've pushed through that to spend several days in a row with my wife's parents in their home with initial discomfort. Ultimately it has helped me be closer to them, and I've gotten over that discomfort. similarly, my wife is working hard to stop making a big deal out of my mother not flying out to visit us and the kids -- to stop interpreting her unwillingness to fly/go to earthquake country as a personal affront of some kind.
posted by davejay at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Er, I just reread your question, and I missed the part about you spending three weekends a month with them. You are absolutely pushing out of your comfort zone already -- that's a lot of time for independent adults to spend with one set of parents, arguably too much if you have day jobs that occupy your time all day long -- so I would respectfully suggest it's on her plate to stop manipulating you through guilt and perhaps even consider taking your weekend visits down to two a month. After all, shouldn't there at least be time for you and she to spend equal weekends with your parents? And what about just spending weekends together as an independent couple?
posted by davejay at 8:42 AM on February 5, 2010
posted by davejay at 8:42 AM on February 5, 2010
The main issue with this particular instance is that we're expecing 1-2 feet of snow, and I'm worried if we go to her sister's place for the night we'll end up stuck there until Monday.
That sounds godawful and there is no one, no matter how much I liked them, whose house I'd want to be stranded at other than my own. Being stuck at someone else's house would be a pain: you don't have your stuff, you don't have privacy, you have to eat what they decide to eat, watch what they want on television, they pick the music, and you have to talk to them pretty much constantly, unlike your own house, where you can space out when you want.
Egads that sounds awful.
You might want to put it to your girlfriend that many people would have a problem with that particular scenario.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:46 AM on February 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
That sounds godawful and there is no one, no matter how much I liked them, whose house I'd want to be stranded at other than my own. Being stuck at someone else's house would be a pain: you don't have your stuff, you don't have privacy, you have to eat what they decide to eat, watch what they want on television, they pick the music, and you have to talk to them pretty much constantly, unlike your own house, where you can space out when you want.
Egads that sounds awful.
You might want to put it to your girlfriend that many people would have a problem with that particular scenario.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:46 AM on February 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I should clarify. We don't go out to see her parents 3 times a month. We probably go out there once...maybe twice a month. But I do see her sister/brother-in-law 3 times a month.
I've been doing some research on cognitive distortion, and it some of it does fit into my gf's personality traits. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is on medication for both, but does not see a therapist. We have discussed her seeing someone and she is very much open to it because she is aware that her behavior can be difficult to deal with at times. She's seen a therapist in the past, but admitted to lying to them because she was "fearful the therapist would think her parents did something wrong to make her crazy." I recognize this as completely backwards thinking and know that therapy is not about blame.
I've definitely felt like I've been emotionally manipulated at times, but have never come out and said as much. Saying that would absolutely upset her, which I am reluctant to do because I love her very much.
All of this seems to be a symptom of a larger problem, which could possibly be corrected by therapy. Also, this has served as good therapy for me since I've never discussed these issues with anyone out side of my relationship.
posted by DrDreidel at 8:55 AM on February 5, 2010
I've been doing some research on cognitive distortion, and it some of it does fit into my gf's personality traits. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is on medication for both, but does not see a therapist. We have discussed her seeing someone and she is very much open to it because she is aware that her behavior can be difficult to deal with at times. She's seen a therapist in the past, but admitted to lying to them because she was "fearful the therapist would think her parents did something wrong to make her crazy." I recognize this as completely backwards thinking and know that therapy is not about blame.
I've definitely felt like I've been emotionally manipulated at times, but have never come out and said as much. Saying that would absolutely upset her, which I am reluctant to do because I love her very much.
All of this seems to be a symptom of a larger problem, which could possibly be corrected by therapy. Also, this has served as good therapy for me since I've never discussed these issues with anyone out side of my relationship.
posted by DrDreidel at 8:55 AM on February 5, 2010
It sounds like she's being unreasonable to me.
posted by the foreground at 8:57 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by the foreground at 8:57 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this reeks of emotional manipulation to me. This--"I've definitely felt like I've been emotionally manipulated at times, but have never come out and said as much. Saying that would absolutely upset her, which I am reluctant to do because I love her very much"--only seals it. No matter how much you love someone, there are going to be times when you genuinely disagree. More, there are going to be times when you genuinely upset one another, intentionally or not. I get the impression that you don't rock the boat a lot because, well, you love her, and she interprets normal disagreements and disappointments as evidence that you don't love her--or at least, she says she does. This is a really easy way to bully your partner.
As to your question, if she's being irrational, you can't convince her. But your reasons for not seeing her family this weekend are really sound and you should stick by them. If she says that it means you hate her family, or that you don't love her, then repeat after me: "I'm being honest with you. I think we both know that what you're saying isn't true or rational, but if you really insist on believing it, that's a choice that you're making and I'm not going to argue with you about it."
This should stop her in her tracks when she realizes that she's not going to get reassurance or her way out of this sort of fight-mongering. And I speak from experience--when I'm being needy, or trying to fish for reassurance, or trying to get my way in the passive aggressive manner that my family has always used but is really neither an honest or fair way of communicating, my husband usually says something like that to me. The first couple times, I was stunned into silence. What do you mean, you're not going to argue with me about it? But now, we usually laugh. It really is a silly way of interacting with someone you love and have a healthy relationship with.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:07 AM on February 5, 2010 [30 favorites]
As to your question, if she's being irrational, you can't convince her. But your reasons for not seeing her family this weekend are really sound and you should stick by them. If she says that it means you hate her family, or that you don't love her, then repeat after me: "I'm being honest with you. I think we both know that what you're saying isn't true or rational, but if you really insist on believing it, that's a choice that you're making and I'm not going to argue with you about it."
This should stop her in her tracks when she realizes that she's not going to get reassurance or her way out of this sort of fight-mongering. And I speak from experience--when I'm being needy, or trying to fish for reassurance, or trying to get my way in the passive aggressive manner that my family has always used but is really neither an honest or fair way of communicating, my husband usually says something like that to me. The first couple times, I was stunned into silence. What do you mean, you're not going to argue with me about it? But now, we usually laugh. It really is a silly way of interacting with someone you love and have a healthy relationship with.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:07 AM on February 5, 2010 [30 favorites]
Could you go to couples' therapy? That way, you'd be there to help her stay honest--not in a cruel way, I just mean you could keep an eye on the direction the conversation was going and help to focus on important, difficult issues she might want to avoid.
You could frame this in terms of "We have a communication problem" not "You have a mental problem"--work on finding ways to achieve healthy and honest communication despite her anxiety.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:10 AM on February 5, 2010
You could frame this in terms of "We have a communication problem" not "You have a mental problem"--work on finding ways to achieve healthy and honest communication despite her anxiety.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:10 AM on February 5, 2010
I have a history of anxiety myself, and my first lover had untreated anxiety. She didn't want me to go out without her; if I did, she constantly watched the clock and freaked out if I got home more than a few minutes later than she thought I should (thank god this was pre-cellphones!). She used to have dreams that I cheated on her, and then wake me up so I could apologize and reassure her I'd never do that. After I left the relationship, although I recognized that she had thinking problems, I also realized that the way she managed to restrict my activities and control me (because to go against her wishes was to invite a huge exhausting scene) bordered on abusive behavior. Not that she was an abuser, but her anxiety and distorted thinking led to similar restrictions and control.
It's good that she's willing to go to therapy. She really needs to. In the meantime, I encourage you to try not to get too caught up in trying to reassure her when her thinking is distorted, or changing your behavior in an effort to comfort her or avoid confrontation or scenes. With my lover, there was no amount of reassurance that would be enough, no amount of changing my behavior and no longer going out with friends without her and visiting her horrible mother and so on that would be enough--there was no enough.
posted by not that girl at 9:12 AM on February 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's good that she's willing to go to therapy. She really needs to. In the meantime, I encourage you to try not to get too caught up in trying to reassure her when her thinking is distorted, or changing your behavior in an effort to comfort her or avoid confrontation or scenes. With my lover, there was no amount of reassurance that would be enough, no amount of changing my behavior and no longer going out with friends without her and visiting her horrible mother and so on that would be enough--there was no enough.
posted by not that girl at 9:12 AM on February 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
One thing to be wary of is pushing therapy when she doesn't want to go to therapy. She'll only do it (or only do it with genuine interest) if she's doing it for herself. So long as her manipulative habits have no direct and obvious consequences for her, she has little incentive to address them. So long as they actually benefit her (by easing her anxieties or helping her get her way), she has an active disincentive to address them. Your pressure might lead her to go through the motions, but she won't get anything out of that.
You deal with this by standing up for yourself, and by refusing to get drawn into discussions where she's trying to manipulate you or is not really listening.
Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail would probably be very helpful for you.
posted by jon1270 at 9:18 AM on February 5, 2010
You deal with this by standing up for yourself, and by refusing to get drawn into discussions where she's trying to manipulate you or is not really listening.
Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail would probably be very helpful for you.
posted by jon1270 at 9:18 AM on February 5, 2010
Response by poster: @jon
I mentioned above that therapy was completely her idea. And I think after reading all of your responses that's the path I'll take is one of:
"I know you've suggested therapy in the past, but have a slight aversion to it. What if we went together?"
She has never discouraged me from going out without her, and is not one to watch the clock or call/check in with me excessively.
posted by DrDreidel at 10:00 AM on February 5, 2010
I mentioned above that therapy was completely her idea. And I think after reading all of your responses that's the path I'll take is one of:
"I know you've suggested therapy in the past, but have a slight aversion to it. What if we went together?"
She has never discouraged me from going out without her, and is not one to watch the clock or call/check in with me excessively.
posted by DrDreidel at 10:00 AM on February 5, 2010
What I'm suggesting here sounds ridiculously inadequate, but just in case it helps: Have you tried bringing up other people, or groups, that you (or she) like, but with whom you also don't want to spend that much time?
I know logic won't solve all problems, but maybe it will help a little.
posted by amtho at 10:03 AM on February 5, 2010
I know logic won't solve all problems, but maybe it will help a little.
posted by amtho at 10:03 AM on February 5, 2010
mentioned above that therapy was completely her idea.
Sorry; I misread.
posted by jon1270 at 10:08 AM on February 5, 2010
Sorry; I misread.
posted by jon1270 at 10:08 AM on February 5, 2010
Response by poster: @amtho
No, I haven't. Obviously, that's not an end-all-be-all solution to this problem, but it is a great way to show that I'm not picking on her family. Thanks.
posted by DrDreidel at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2010
No, I haven't. Obviously, that's not an end-all-be-all solution to this problem, but it is a great way to show that I'm not picking on her family. Thanks.
posted by DrDreidel at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2010
Response by poster: One thing I think I should also mention is that her family has a hand in this, and that sometimes my gf is put in awkward situations. Her family pressures her to see them, and if she doesn't she feels like she is letting them down or choosing me over them. I don't want to force her to make this choice.
posted by DrDreidel at 10:33 AM on February 5, 2010
posted by DrDreidel at 10:33 AM on February 5, 2010
One thing I think I should also mention is that her family has a hand in this, and that sometimes my gf is put in awkward situations. Her family pressures her to see them, and if she doesn't she feels like she is letting them down or choosing me over them. I don't want to force her to make this choice.
Yeah, I suspected this was something systemic within her family, particularly based on her defensiveness of them regarding surgery. She needs to make those choices herself and learn to deal with her relationship with her parents in a healthy way. You're not going to help things by letting her repeat the same patterns of guilt and manipulation on you. Which is what is happening now.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:35 AM on February 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I suspected this was something systemic within her family, particularly based on her defensiveness of them regarding surgery. She needs to make those choices herself and learn to deal with her relationship with her parents in a healthy way. You're not going to help things by letting her repeat the same patterns of guilt and manipulation on you. Which is what is happening now.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:35 AM on February 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
(Surgery? Therapy. Mods, please fix if you can!)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:36 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:36 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't want to force her to make this choice.
Of course you don't. If you didn't mind this, the manipulation wouldn't work on you.
The thing is, she wouldn't be choosing to let them down; she'd be choosing to do as she pleases, and her family would be choosing to be offended by it.
It's true that you solving your problem will block your GF from using her habitual solution to an old family dysfunction, but that set of problems predates you and your relationship with her. You wouldn't be inflicting anything on her. If you can let this crap be her crap instead of taking it on your own shoulders, you're much more likely to have the strength and stability to help her change these relationships for the better.
posted by jon1270 at 11:29 AM on February 5, 2010
Of course you don't. If you didn't mind this, the manipulation wouldn't work on you.
The thing is, she wouldn't be choosing to let them down; she'd be choosing to do as she pleases, and her family would be choosing to be offended by it.
It's true that you solving your problem will block your GF from using her habitual solution to an old family dysfunction, but that set of problems predates you and your relationship with her. You wouldn't be inflicting anything on her. If you can let this crap be her crap instead of taking it on your own shoulders, you're much more likely to have the strength and stability to help her change these relationships for the better.
posted by jon1270 at 11:29 AM on February 5, 2010
Best answer: Sounds like she needs to deal with her anxiety to me. I recently read that people in communal cultures tend to have a higher genetic predisposition towards anxiety and mood disorders than in individualistic cultures. The theory is that communal culture provides a kind of protection against certain mental illnesses.
So, it makes sense that she would have very close ties with her family, and depends on them for her mental health, and that's what I thought of when you said that she's afraid a therapist would discover that her parents--the only thing in the world that keeps her safe!--had harmed her.
What you've written so far sound like you are trying to justify not wanting to hang out with her family so much. They live 45 minutes away (read: it's kind of a long drive). Her sister & brother-in-law are 7 years older than you (read: you don't relate all that well to them). You repeated three times that you see her family 3 out of 4 weekends. Have you told her directly that you feel that you spend too much time with them? Not just that one particular weekend or situation is inconvenient for you? Because it kind of sounds like you want us to say it for you.
Part of the issue may be that she senses that you aren't being 100% honest with her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to blame you for it. It's very hard to say that sort of thing without the other person getting the wrong idea, and her anxiety and overreaction make it even harder. But it's worth thinking about whether there is a cycle here: her anxiety makes you reluctant to be totally honest, she senses that you hold things back and it triggers her anxiety and she overreacts, which makes you less likely to be honest the next time, and on it goes.
Just my opinion: the zero tolerance policy towards the merest hint of a supposedly "toxic person" is hugely over-prescribed here.
posted by AlsoMike at 11:52 AM on February 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
So, it makes sense that she would have very close ties with her family, and depends on them for her mental health, and that's what I thought of when you said that she's afraid a therapist would discover that her parents--the only thing in the world that keeps her safe!--had harmed her.
What you've written so far sound like you are trying to justify not wanting to hang out with her family so much. They live 45 minutes away (read: it's kind of a long drive). Her sister & brother-in-law are 7 years older than you (read: you don't relate all that well to them). You repeated three times that you see her family 3 out of 4 weekends. Have you told her directly that you feel that you spend too much time with them? Not just that one particular weekend or situation is inconvenient for you? Because it kind of sounds like you want us to say it for you.
Part of the issue may be that she senses that you aren't being 100% honest with her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to blame you for it. It's very hard to say that sort of thing without the other person getting the wrong idea, and her anxiety and overreaction make it even harder. But it's worth thinking about whether there is a cycle here: her anxiety makes you reluctant to be totally honest, she senses that you hold things back and it triggers her anxiety and she overreacts, which makes you less likely to be honest the next time, and on it goes.
Just my opinion: the zero tolerance policy towards the merest hint of a supposedly "toxic person" is hugely over-prescribed here.
posted by AlsoMike at 11:52 AM on February 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Melismata at 8:23 AM on February 5, 2010 [1 favorite]