Recommendations for non-religious marriage counseling in Minneapolis
January 4, 2010 8:58 PM Subscribe
Does anyone have any recommendations for non-religious marriage counseling in Minneapolis? My wife and I are at crossroads, and I think it's time to get some help. The problem is, I don't know where to find it.
The topic of divorce has been coming up recently, and I'd like to try something before we get to that. Asking around, the people who have acknowledged going to counseling have all ended up divorced, so their counselors don't seem that hot.
Does anyone have any ideas of where to look? We'd rather stay away from church-related services, and Google throws up a bunch of links, but I can't tell if any of them are any good. What do I look for, and where do I look for it?
The topic of divorce has been coming up recently, and I'd like to try something before we get to that. Asking around, the people who have acknowledged going to counseling have all ended up divorced, so their counselors don't seem that hot.
Does anyone have any ideas of where to look? We'd rather stay away from church-related services, and Google throws up a bunch of links, but I can't tell if any of them are any good. What do I look for, and where do I look for it?
I sent you a MeFi Mail, I've inquired with a couple people and will contact you directly if I get answers. I would say ask your divorced friends about their experiences and opinions more if you haven't done so. People tend to go to counseling as a last resort so the outcome doesn't necessarily mean their counselors were poor.
posted by nanojath at 10:34 PM on January 4, 2010
posted by nanojath at 10:34 PM on January 4, 2010
Best answer: Asking around, the people who have acknowledged going to counseling have all ended up divorced, so their counselors don't seem that hot.
Keep in mind that there's some stigma involved in admitting your marriage is struggling, and there's also stigma in getting a divorce without doing everything you can to avoid it. So, couples who've stayed together after seeing a therapist have reason to conceal that history ("everything's great with us!"), while post-divorce individuals have reason to disclose it ("I did everything I could!").
Getting the Love You Want is an excellent nonreligious marriage-related book. It's been around for quite a while, and so popular as to have spawned its own school of therapists trained in the particular approach it suggests. You can search for local therapists of that school here.
posted by jon1270 at 12:38 AM on January 5, 2010
Keep in mind that there's some stigma involved in admitting your marriage is struggling, and there's also stigma in getting a divorce without doing everything you can to avoid it. So, couples who've stayed together after seeing a therapist have reason to conceal that history ("everything's great with us!"), while post-divorce individuals have reason to disclose it ("I did everything I could!").
Getting the Love You Want is an excellent nonreligious marriage-related book. It's been around for quite a while, and so popular as to have spawned its own school of therapists trained in the particular approach it suggests. You can search for local therapists of that school here.
posted by jon1270 at 12:38 AM on January 5, 2010
Best answer: After having been married for 7 years, my wife and I hit a very bad patch in our relationship. She was pregnant with our first child, and things were NOT going well. We did some marital counseling, and on our therapist’s advice, we took a class called Practical Application of Interrelationship Skills (PAIRS). Despite the goofy name, and the overly gooey language on the site, it was an amazing experience for us.
We took the long course: 1 night a week and one weekend a month for 3 or 4 months - turned out to be 160 contact hours I think. There were 10 couples and 2 Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (a married couple) who were facilitating, and it got very intense at times. For most of the couples, this class was long, drawn out “make or break” decision about divorce.
We covered EVERYTHING - gender differences (i.e. how men and women approach similar situations in different fashions), gender roles, how your family of origin affects who you are, how that affects your interaction with your spouse (and their family of origin), how you and your spouse deal with money and money troubles, how your parents fought and that affects how you fight and ditto for the spouse and then how to fight fairly when conflict comes up, how holidays are celebrated and which family each of you expects to spend the holidays with, holiday traditions and how you will combine the two sets into one for your new family, historical conflicts in the families of origin, attitudes about religion, death, work, vacation, schooling and discipline and religious instruction/indoctrination of future children and more. A whole lot more.
It was a whole ton of hard work, for both of us. But it was good work, and useful and valuable, even during the parts when it wasn't a lot of fun. And, 11 years later, we are still using the things we learned in that class.
After it was all over, I talked to several people who did decide to get divorced. They all reported that the experience made them utterly certain that they were making the right decision. Some also said that they felt the self-knowledge that they gained would serve them well in future relationships.
Full disclosure - I don't work for PAIRS, or therapists, or anyone else in the counseling/therapy industry. I'm an IT geek who stands to gain exactly nothing from this endorsement. I just think that PAIRS was the most useful/positive thing we ever did for our relationship, and we've been together 18 years now.
Oh, and it wasn’t cheap - we paid 3 or 4K for our class back in 1999. I have no idea what it would cost these days.
posted by Irontom at 6:41 AM on January 5, 2010
We took the long course: 1 night a week and one weekend a month for 3 or 4 months - turned out to be 160 contact hours I think. There were 10 couples and 2 Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (a married couple) who were facilitating, and it got very intense at times. For most of the couples, this class was long, drawn out “make or break” decision about divorce.
We covered EVERYTHING - gender differences (i.e. how men and women approach similar situations in different fashions), gender roles, how your family of origin affects who you are, how that affects your interaction with your spouse (and their family of origin), how you and your spouse deal with money and money troubles, how your parents fought and that affects how you fight and ditto for the spouse and then how to fight fairly when conflict comes up, how holidays are celebrated and which family each of you expects to spend the holidays with, holiday traditions and how you will combine the two sets into one for your new family, historical conflicts in the families of origin, attitudes about religion, death, work, vacation, schooling and discipline and religious instruction/indoctrination of future children and more. A whole lot more.
It was a whole ton of hard work, for both of us. But it was good work, and useful and valuable, even during the parts when it wasn't a lot of fun. And, 11 years later, we are still using the things we learned in that class.
After it was all over, I talked to several people who did decide to get divorced. They all reported that the experience made them utterly certain that they were making the right decision. Some also said that they felt the self-knowledge that they gained would serve them well in future relationships.
Full disclosure - I don't work for PAIRS, or therapists, or anyone else in the counseling/therapy industry. I'm an IT geek who stands to gain exactly nothing from this endorsement. I just think that PAIRS was the most useful/positive thing we ever did for our relationship, and we've been together 18 years now.
Oh, and it wasn’t cheap - we paid 3 or 4K for our class back in 1999. I have no idea what it would cost these days.
posted by Irontom at 6:41 AM on January 5, 2010
Best answer: Passing on a personal recommendation from a friend:
http://www.relationshipsmn.com/Our_Services___Contacting_U.html
this link gets into some of their philosophy and training:
http://www.relationshipsmn.com/Who_We_Are_.php
They are based in St. Louis Park. I may get another recommendation from another friend, if so I will include it here too.
posted by nanojath at 8:37 AM on January 5, 2010
http://www.relationshipsmn.com/Our_Services___Contacting_U.html
this link gets into some of their philosophy and training:
http://www.relationshipsmn.com/Who_We_Are_.php
They are based in St. Louis Park. I may get another recommendation from another friend, if so I will include it here too.
posted by nanojath at 8:37 AM on January 5, 2010
Get thee to Smartmarriages.com. Horrible website, but a wealth of resources. And they are marriage positive. They were formed by a bunch of therapists and educators who were disgusted by how ineffective marriage counseling is.
Turns out that you can learn skills to improve your marriage similar to how you can learn project management or landscaping. Take one of the established marriage education classes like PREP.
I highly recommend this book -- How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Read this ASAP.
posted by cross_impact at 2:12 PM on January 5, 2010
Turns out that you can learn skills to improve your marriage similar to how you can learn project management or landscaping. Take one of the established marriage education classes like PREP.
I highly recommend this book -- How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Read this ASAP.
posted by cross_impact at 2:12 PM on January 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 9:11 PM on January 4, 2010 [1 favorite]