How to have a serious relationship discussion when kids are involved
January 2, 2010 8:13 PM Subscribe
I just met someone I am really interested in dating, but who has kids. In general, I am OK with the idea, but I want to know the sorts of issues and questions I should bring up with this person to talk about it and understand the situation.
I think the details are important, but I will have to be a little vague, since I know friends of mine frequent AskMetafilter.
I am a female in my mid 20s, who just met a guy in his early 30s, whom I really like. He revealed to me early that he is divorced and has kids from the previous relationship. I must say I was surprised, but I quickly decided to approach the situation with an open mind. Both kids are under 5, and live with their mom on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the mother (who is getting remarried) and flies out to visit regularly.
It is a situation completely unlike anything I thought I would come across at my age, but all in all it seems like a pretty good one, all things considered. I of course do not know if he and I are destined for relationship-greatness, but I can tell that an issue like this is so important that if I have ANY interest in him, I need to seriously consider my feelings and opinions on it now.
I want to ask him about the situation, and his feelings on things, but I don't want to sound like I am being nosy or judgmental. I want to feel out his expectations for our relationship, and voice some of mine, but I don't want it to seem like I expect him to slather all his attention on me (cause I don't). What are key questions I should ask? Or issues I should bring up?
I ask here because I am very nervous about telling my friends and family. They are all friendly loving people, but I just know that all of their reactions will be that I am too young to deal with this and I should just pass and find someone else. If this relationship goes anywhere, then I want to have this whole situation worked out for myself and with him before letting the rest of my clan know, so that their knee-jerk reactions don't influence my opinion.
I think the details are important, but I will have to be a little vague, since I know friends of mine frequent AskMetafilter.
I am a female in my mid 20s, who just met a guy in his early 30s, whom I really like. He revealed to me early that he is divorced and has kids from the previous relationship. I must say I was surprised, but I quickly decided to approach the situation with an open mind. Both kids are under 5, and live with their mom on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the mother (who is getting remarried) and flies out to visit regularly.
It is a situation completely unlike anything I thought I would come across at my age, but all in all it seems like a pretty good one, all things considered. I of course do not know if he and I are destined for relationship-greatness, but I can tell that an issue like this is so important that if I have ANY interest in him, I need to seriously consider my feelings and opinions on it now.
I want to ask him about the situation, and his feelings on things, but I don't want to sound like I am being nosy or judgmental. I want to feel out his expectations for our relationship, and voice some of mine, but I don't want it to seem like I expect him to slather all his attention on me (cause I don't). What are key questions I should ask? Or issues I should bring up?
I ask here because I am very nervous about telling my friends and family. They are all friendly loving people, but I just know that all of their reactions will be that I am too young to deal with this and I should just pass and find someone else. If this relationship goes anywhere, then I want to have this whole situation worked out for myself and with him before letting the rest of my clan know, so that their knee-jerk reactions don't influence my opinion.
I would say, especially since the kids are far away with their mom, that it's not different from any other relationship. Maybe ask him if he thinks there is anything you should know. Otherwise, let him talk about it if he wants, or not if he doesn't.
posted by ropeladder at 8:37 PM on January 2, 2010
posted by ropeladder at 8:37 PM on January 2, 2010
I suspect that you'll be wondering how he feels about having more children, what are/will be his financial obligations to his ex and their kids. Is he worried that she's going to 'waste' child support payments? Does he have a contingency plan for that? Does he have his rights and obligations written in a legally binding document, or is this arrangement a handshake deal? What is required to change the arrangement?
Willingness to relocate to be near his kids? Will the kids travel to spend time with dad? I know they're too young to travel alone now, but kids grow. Summers? Holidays? Who is in line to care for the kids if something happens to their mom?
I think it's a good sign that be doesn't say vicious things about the mother of his children (he doesn't, right? Cause if he does, they don't have a good relationship, as far as I'm concerned.), but you might want to find out what kind of parent he thinks he is, and what kind of parent he wants to be. For me, the bonus round is to get him talking about his own parents. I don't want a guy who is openly hostile to his parents (not to say he has to be in touch, or that I have a script for how his relationship with his parents plays out, but what he says about them provides some clues if you're listening.)
posted by bilabial at 8:40 PM on January 2, 2010
Willingness to relocate to be near his kids? Will the kids travel to spend time with dad? I know they're too young to travel alone now, but kids grow. Summers? Holidays? Who is in line to care for the kids if something happens to their mom?
I think it's a good sign that be doesn't say vicious things about the mother of his children (he doesn't, right? Cause if he does, they don't have a good relationship, as far as I'm concerned.), but you might want to find out what kind of parent he thinks he is, and what kind of parent he wants to be. For me, the bonus round is to get him talking about his own parents. I don't want a guy who is openly hostile to his parents (not to say he has to be in touch, or that I have a script for how his relationship with his parents plays out, but what he says about them provides some clues if you're listening.)
posted by bilabial at 8:40 PM on January 2, 2010
"I want to ask him about his feelings on things, but I don't want to sound like I am being nosy or judgmental."
OK, here's the thing with that. The sense I got from that line was not so much that your hesitancy there is specifically kid-related, but maybe just a timing issue? You say you "just met" this guy, so is it really time yet to start delving into these very deep, life-altering issues, whether they're about kids or not? Look at it this way. If this guy had no kids, would you currently feel comfortable talking to him about other stuff that is deeply important to you (and him) in a relationship? I don't personally think that it's nosy and/or judgmental to question a potential life partner about, well, life, but I do think that if you fly at someone after, say, a week of dating, with all sorts of intimate questions about their most profound life experiences, that could get a little dicey. However, I think that if you and he are basically on the same page as far as your relationship, or potential relationship, that it would be rather unfair for him to expect complete silence from you on a subject that is obviously of vital importance for both of your futures, not to mention the futures of his children. I don't get the feeling that he does that from your post, but I'm just saying, he needs to be able to be open with his partners about his life just as much as anyone else does, and if you don't feel that he can, maybe that's a sign to think more carefully about whether he's really that cool. The best I can tell you, having been in a very, very similar situation to yours, is just give it time to let that comfort level develop. Don't pry if he's obviously uncomfortable talking about it - but remember this! This is your life too, and you have a right to know what you're getting into. It is far, far better for you, for him, and for these children, if he is able to be open and honest about his situation, and if you are able to discuss it with him with maturity and an open mind.
One more thing - you mention your fear that your friends and family will consider you too young to deal with the situation and immediately write it off, as it were. I disagree, from what I can tell. I think the fact that you are asking and thinking about these questions in such an open-minded and rational manner suggests quite the opposite. I wish you the best!
posted by lucky25 at 9:28 PM on January 2, 2010
OK, here's the thing with that. The sense I got from that line was not so much that your hesitancy there is specifically kid-related, but maybe just a timing issue? You say you "just met" this guy, so is it really time yet to start delving into these very deep, life-altering issues, whether they're about kids or not? Look at it this way. If this guy had no kids, would you currently feel comfortable talking to him about other stuff that is deeply important to you (and him) in a relationship? I don't personally think that it's nosy and/or judgmental to question a potential life partner about, well, life, but I do think that if you fly at someone after, say, a week of dating, with all sorts of intimate questions about their most profound life experiences, that could get a little dicey. However, I think that if you and he are basically on the same page as far as your relationship, or potential relationship, that it would be rather unfair for him to expect complete silence from you on a subject that is obviously of vital importance for both of your futures, not to mention the futures of his children. I don't get the feeling that he does that from your post, but I'm just saying, he needs to be able to be open with his partners about his life just as much as anyone else does, and if you don't feel that he can, maybe that's a sign to think more carefully about whether he's really that cool. The best I can tell you, having been in a very, very similar situation to yours, is just give it time to let that comfort level develop. Don't pry if he's obviously uncomfortable talking about it - but remember this! This is your life too, and you have a right to know what you're getting into. It is far, far better for you, for him, and for these children, if he is able to be open and honest about his situation, and if you are able to discuss it with him with maturity and an open mind.
One more thing - you mention your fear that your friends and family will consider you too young to deal with the situation and immediately write it off, as it were. I disagree, from what I can tell. I think the fact that you are asking and thinking about these questions in such an open-minded and rational manner suggests quite the opposite. I wish you the best!
posted by lucky25 at 9:28 PM on January 2, 2010
Talking to him about it is good because you will see how open he is to communication about difficult-ish things. Maybe ask how him having kids affected any previous girlfriends before you. And if you keep seeing him, just ask questions as things come up about his kids.
And people are a lot less judgmental than you might think about dating someone with kids, especially if he's in his 30's. Your friends and family might be more understanding about this than you think - after all, things happen and people have kids, it doesn't make him a bad person.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:33 PM on January 2, 2010
And people are a lot less judgmental than you might think about dating someone with kids, especially if he's in his 30's. Your friends and family might be more understanding about this than you think - after all, things happen and people have kids, it doesn't make him a bad person.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:33 PM on January 2, 2010
I of course do not know if he and I are destined for relationship-greatness
This may be a generalization, but many single parents prefer to wait until it's clear that the relationship is destined for greatness, or at least until there is some kind of long term commitment, before introducing their children to the person they are dating. Don't be hurt by this - it's usually intended to protect the children.
posted by kbar1 at 10:30 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This may be a generalization, but many single parents prefer to wait until it's clear that the relationship is destined for greatness, or at least until there is some kind of long term commitment, before introducing their children to the person they are dating. Don't be hurt by this - it's usually intended to protect the children.
posted by kbar1 at 10:30 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I must say I was surprised,
I'm surprised you're surprised. Most of the people I know who have divorced have done so in their early to mid thirties, when they've been together long enough to know it Just Isn't Working, and young children in the early-to-mid 30s is pretty common for men these days. I think your expectations/assumptions are probably just getting an update.
posted by rodgerd at 10:53 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm surprised you're surprised. Most of the people I know who have divorced have done so in their early to mid thirties, when they've been together long enough to know it Just Isn't Working, and young children in the early-to-mid 30s is pretty common for men these days. I think your expectations/assumptions are probably just getting an update.
posted by rodgerd at 10:53 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Guessing a lot here: it sounds like the big question is "If this works out, are you ready to be a part-time mom to his kids?" You like this guy a lot, and don't want your friends to convince you that you aren't mature enough for this relationship, so you want to do "the mature thing" partly to prove to yourself and them that you are. But it's really early to be talking about that stuff when you haven't even gone on a date yet.
If you do have a bit of self-doubt about whether you are mature enough for this, I think the smart thing to do is to admit that. Maybe you aren't, but it sounds to me like you really want to be, and I think that counts for a lot.
posted by AlsoMike at 11:16 PM on January 2, 2010
If you do have a bit of self-doubt about whether you are mature enough for this, I think the smart thing to do is to admit that. Maybe you aren't, but it sounds to me like you really want to be, and I think that counts for a lot.
posted by AlsoMike at 11:16 PM on January 2, 2010
First, it is not unusual to have kids when you are in your early thirties. Or even late 20's. Our three were born before my wife turned 30.
His kids live on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the ex. She is getting remarried. The only issue this will be is possibly money if he is spending a good portion of his income on child support and the time he flies out to visit. Maybe as the kids get older, they will come visit him. For the kid's sake, I hope he maintains a loving relationship with them. If your relationship with him turns serious, know that you may meet the kids and establish a relationship with them and know too that he seems to like kids.
Age has nothing to do with this. This is about mature relationships and dealing with the curve balls that life sometimes throws you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:31 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
His kids live on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the ex. She is getting remarried. The only issue this will be is possibly money if he is spending a good portion of his income on child support and the time he flies out to visit. Maybe as the kids get older, they will come visit him. For the kid's sake, I hope he maintains a loving relationship with them. If your relationship with him turns serious, know that you may meet the kids and establish a relationship with them and know too that he seems to like kids.
Age has nothing to do with this. This is about mature relationships and dealing with the curve balls that life sometimes throws you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:31 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Age has nothing to do with this." & "I'm surprised you're surprised."
This does have to do with age, because our culture is changing with regards to marriage, relationships, and surrounding expectations. More people are choosing to going to college and not to marry as young, and those who do choose to marry young tend to be more likely to divorce.
My parents married at 23 & 25, and I was born 5 years later. I'm almost 23, and cannot imagine getting married anytime soon. I have no problems with men in their early 30s. (They're great!)
posted by autoclavicle at 1:05 AM on January 3, 2010
This does have to do with age, because our culture is changing with regards to marriage, relationships, and surrounding expectations. More people are choosing to going to college and not to marry as young, and those who do choose to marry young tend to be more likely to divorce.
My parents married at 23 & 25, and I was born 5 years later. I'm almost 23, and cannot imagine getting married anytime soon. I have no problems with men in their early 30s. (They're great!)
posted by autoclavicle at 1:05 AM on January 3, 2010
Seconding kbar1. That's exactly as it should be, the decision to tell the kids about you must rest with him and him alone.
posted by Chairboy at 6:49 AM on January 3, 2010
posted by Chairboy at 6:49 AM on January 3, 2010
Good advice so far. Tempting as it is to try to resolve things from the get-go, if you aren't actually dating yet, delving into serious discussions on his children might be a little premature. At this point he might not be looking for anything serious, for example, or you might find some completely unrelated dealbreaker a few weeks or a few months down the line. Get to know him a bit more before pondering the deep questions.
I'd suggest dating a while and seeing how things play out, and giving this question a lot of personal thought in the process. Wait at least for a level of comfort to develop between you before gently easing into a discussion about his children, or if possible, letting him broach the subject first. I can't imagine it won't come up if he's reasonably involved in their lives, which he seems to be.
As far as telling your family, this is just my opinion, but I'd only consider that necessary if the relationship goes beyond 'we've gone on a few dates' into 'we're dating' territory. Obviously you don't want to leave it so late that it becomes a big, dark secret, but for now this is simply a man you're interested in, right?
posted by nicoleincanada at 8:38 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest dating a while and seeing how things play out, and giving this question a lot of personal thought in the process. Wait at least for a level of comfort to develop between you before gently easing into a discussion about his children, or if possible, letting him broach the subject first. I can't imagine it won't come up if he's reasonably involved in their lives, which he seems to be.
As far as telling your family, this is just my opinion, but I'd only consider that necessary if the relationship goes beyond 'we've gone on a few dates' into 'we're dating' territory. Obviously you don't want to leave it so late that it becomes a big, dark secret, but for now this is simply a man you're interested in, right?
posted by nicoleincanada at 8:38 AM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mostly... just don't overthink it. Take it easy, be normal, and treat him like you would any other date. Get to know him. You'll figure it out as you go along. (I'm divorced with a kid, and I'm just a normal person, so I like to be treated that way. The person I'm currently dating had never dated anyone with children before he dated me, but after taking the time to get to know us, he's comfortable with me, and with my kid.)
posted by eleyna at 3:58 PM on January 3, 2010
posted by eleyna at 3:58 PM on January 3, 2010
anonymous: "I just met someone I am really interested in dating, but who has kids. In general, I am OK with the idea, but I want to know the sorts of issues and questions I should bring up with this person to talk about it and understand the situation.
...I can tell that an issue like this is so important that if I have ANY interest in him, I need to seriously consider my feelings and opinions on it now. ...What are key questions I should ask? Or issues I should bring up?"
I was in this situation, with the exception that the kids lived nearby. Then I began dating him, and then I married him. So. Whee. I have lots of input for you. A novel, in fact.
One of my oldest friends was in your exact situation. The kids lived across the country with the mom. My friend blithely assumed the kids would be a minor, non-entity in her marriage, since they lived so far away... and she was very wrong, and three years later they were divorced. So, I will advise from those two perspectives.
Lots of good advice here already on how to handle it during this very early dating part, so I would like to relate some anecdotal data points about things that you might want to consider for yourself, at the point where you and this person begin dating. Because, while divorced parents are normal people, they are also different, and there are different possible future outcomes than would be the case with a non-parent. I believe you should seriously consider the possible outcomes if you get serious with this person, and figure out early on what your dealbreakers are so you can walk away as soon as possible if necessary.
I might be unpopular for this notion, but... I believe that the single person who is dating a divorced parent has a higher obligation... to remember that he/she is not just courting you as a partner; he is considering your potential future role in the lives of his children. That's a lot of weight to carry. The honorable thing to do is to not willfully string him along, misrepresent yourself, or be cavalier in your actions or emotions. Take care of yourself, of course, but be ever cognizant that this is not just 1 + 1 = 2.
"...He revealed to me early that he is divorced and has kids from the previous relationship."
— Good sign. Shows he has nothing to hide and wants to be upfront about his life situation.
"...Both kids are under 5"
— Good sign. They will remember very little of their parents as a married couple under one roof.
"and live with their mom on the other side of the country."
— This has its pros and cons. It is expensive to see the children... he will miss them, and will not be a regular part of their lives. He will be the "weekend dad," the one who misses the school plays and the soccer games, which will likely make him sad.
Fortunately for you, this kind of custody scenario is much like visiting one's grandparents... everyone usually manages to be on best behavior for the short duration of the visits. You aren't likely to ever have to hear "I HATE YOU YOU AREN'T MY REAL MOM I HOPE YOU DIE" <door slam>.
"...He has a good relationship with the mother (who is getting remarried) and flies out to visit regularly."
— This is good, but just please don't take it for granted. Do not assume that he will always have a good relationship with her. Remember also that his relationship with her will change as the children's relationships with their parents change, as they get older. The father and mother are no longer a team in marriage but they are still co-parenting, and there are constantly-evolving dynamics at work there.
For yourself, you should imagine the worst case scenarios you've ever heard about ex-wives. Try to scare yourself with horror stories... that she calls at all hours; that she tries to damage your relationship; that she is still in love with him; that he is still in love with her.
If you can visualize how you would handle any one of these scenarios... and go ahead and assume that it only presents itself after you have embarked on a serious relationship (because it's the stuff we can't see coming that up-ends a relationship, usually)... and you honestly think you can survive it, then carry on.
"...I just know that all of their reactions will be that I am too young to deal with this and I should just pass and find someone else... If this relationship goes anywhere, then I want to have this whole situation worked out for myself and with him before letting the rest of my clan know..."
— It's family, and they love you and want your life to be easy. Remember that this is a protective reaction that comes from a place of love, usually. A previously married father comes with obvious baggage that can complicate things. But a stereotypical "ideal beau" can come with not-so-obvious baggage, and the difference is that you don't see his trouble spots till it's too late.
Besides, if the reactions of your clan are enough to sway you away from him, then this guy isn't a long-term prospect anyway. You'll know a real long-term prospect: when your heart says, "Wow, my family is going to hate that he does this [or grew up there or looks like whatever or his background is blah]... and I appreciate their concern but I don't care."
JohnnyGunn: "His kids live on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the ex. She is getting remarried. The only issue this will be is possibly money if he is spending a good portion of his income on child support and the time he flies out to visit. "
Can't disagree more about "the only issue." Here are five scenarios that nullify the theory (and fwiw, I know re-married families IRL who are dealing with every one of these, or multiples):
1. One or all kids get into fight with mom, or do not like stepdad, and decide they want to move in with dad.
2. Mom gets divorced from second husband. Ensuing fallout and lifestyle change affects the children significantly.
3. Mom wants to reduce visitation, move the children somewhere, or increase child support unreasonably. Custody and legal issues ensue.
4. Dad decides he doesn't like being so far away from kids, wants to live closer to them. OP's home and work are going to be relocated.
5. Dad and OP get married, and want kids of their own. Blended family now brings a host of new logistical and financial issues.
My point is that a long-term relationship between two loving sane people is hard enough. Throw in multiple kids, a divorce with a person who isn't a perfect angel (or else they wouldn't have divorced in the first place), child support/alimony and the emotional ups and downs that come with parenting remotely and co-parenting... and trust me when I say that you can never really know exactly what's going to come down the pike.
All you can do is trust yourself to do the best you can and be as resilient as possible; trust in your partner to make good choices alongside you; and hope for a lot of luck.
But certainly don't be lulled into thinking that stepmothering is easy or that being the second wife is a party. She's not just his ex-wife; she's your ex-wife now too. And he is bound to her forever. And no matter what else you do, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that his children might and probably will always come first—and that you might feel like you are being shut out of that. This is very common, and I know many people who would not be able to swallow the fact that in their marriage, they won't always be their partner's primary concern. It can feel like, "The whole point of a partnership is that I am first in someone else's life," yet that's not always the case when you marry a parent.
I hope it doesn't sound like I am trying to scare you off of dating this person, should the opportunity arise. But I am a second wife, and I live in a Stepford town full of second wives, and I have learned that the refrain of "I never really considered what I was getting into" is a common one. I believe in considering all the possibilities, with eyes wide open, and making informed choices, especially when kids are involved.
posted by pineapple at 9:18 PM on January 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
...I can tell that an issue like this is so important that if I have ANY interest in him, I need to seriously consider my feelings and opinions on it now. ...What are key questions I should ask? Or issues I should bring up?"
I was in this situation, with the exception that the kids lived nearby. Then I began dating him, and then I married him. So. Whee. I have lots of input for you. A novel, in fact.
One of my oldest friends was in your exact situation. The kids lived across the country with the mom. My friend blithely assumed the kids would be a minor, non-entity in her marriage, since they lived so far away... and she was very wrong, and three years later they were divorced. So, I will advise from those two perspectives.
Lots of good advice here already on how to handle it during this very early dating part, so I would like to relate some anecdotal data points about things that you might want to consider for yourself, at the point where you and this person begin dating. Because, while divorced parents are normal people, they are also different, and there are different possible future outcomes than would be the case with a non-parent. I believe you should seriously consider the possible outcomes if you get serious with this person, and figure out early on what your dealbreakers are so you can walk away as soon as possible if necessary.
I might be unpopular for this notion, but... I believe that the single person who is dating a divorced parent has a higher obligation... to remember that he/she is not just courting you as a partner; he is considering your potential future role in the lives of his children. That's a lot of weight to carry. The honorable thing to do is to not willfully string him along, misrepresent yourself, or be cavalier in your actions or emotions. Take care of yourself, of course, but be ever cognizant that this is not just 1 + 1 = 2.
"...He revealed to me early that he is divorced and has kids from the previous relationship."
— Good sign. Shows he has nothing to hide and wants to be upfront about his life situation.
"...Both kids are under 5"
— Good sign. They will remember very little of their parents as a married couple under one roof.
"and live with their mom on the other side of the country."
— This has its pros and cons. It is expensive to see the children... he will miss them, and will not be a regular part of their lives. He will be the "weekend dad," the one who misses the school plays and the soccer games, which will likely make him sad.
Fortunately for you, this kind of custody scenario is much like visiting one's grandparents... everyone usually manages to be on best behavior for the short duration of the visits. You aren't likely to ever have to hear "I HATE YOU YOU AREN'T MY REAL MOM I HOPE YOU DIE" <door slam>.
"...He has a good relationship with the mother (who is getting remarried) and flies out to visit regularly."
— This is good, but just please don't take it for granted. Do not assume that he will always have a good relationship with her. Remember also that his relationship with her will change as the children's relationships with their parents change, as they get older. The father and mother are no longer a team in marriage but they are still co-parenting, and there are constantly-evolving dynamics at work there.
For yourself, you should imagine the worst case scenarios you've ever heard about ex-wives. Try to scare yourself with horror stories... that she calls at all hours; that she tries to damage your relationship; that she is still in love with him; that he is still in love with her.
If you can visualize how you would handle any one of these scenarios... and go ahead and assume that it only presents itself after you have embarked on a serious relationship (because it's the stuff we can't see coming that up-ends a relationship, usually)... and you honestly think you can survive it, then carry on.
"...I just know that all of their reactions will be that I am too young to deal with this and I should just pass and find someone else... If this relationship goes anywhere, then I want to have this whole situation worked out for myself and with him before letting the rest of my clan know..."
— It's family, and they love you and want your life to be easy. Remember that this is a protective reaction that comes from a place of love, usually. A previously married father comes with obvious baggage that can complicate things. But a stereotypical "ideal beau" can come with not-so-obvious baggage, and the difference is that you don't see his trouble spots till it's too late.
Besides, if the reactions of your clan are enough to sway you away from him, then this guy isn't a long-term prospect anyway. You'll know a real long-term prospect: when your heart says, "Wow, my family is going to hate that he does this [or grew up there or looks like whatever or his background is blah]... and I appreciate their concern but I don't care."
JohnnyGunn: "His kids live on the other side of the country. He has a good relationship with the ex. She is getting remarried. The only issue this will be is possibly money if he is spending a good portion of his income on child support and the time he flies out to visit. "
Can't disagree more about "the only issue." Here are five scenarios that nullify the theory (and fwiw, I know re-married families IRL who are dealing with every one of these, or multiples):
1. One or all kids get into fight with mom, or do not like stepdad, and decide they want to move in with dad.
2. Mom gets divorced from second husband. Ensuing fallout and lifestyle change affects the children significantly.
3. Mom wants to reduce visitation, move the children somewhere, or increase child support unreasonably. Custody and legal issues ensue.
4. Dad decides he doesn't like being so far away from kids, wants to live closer to them. OP's home and work are going to be relocated.
5. Dad and OP get married, and want kids of their own. Blended family now brings a host of new logistical and financial issues.
My point is that a long-term relationship between two loving sane people is hard enough. Throw in multiple kids, a divorce with a person who isn't a perfect angel (or else they wouldn't have divorced in the first place), child support/alimony and the emotional ups and downs that come with parenting remotely and co-parenting... and trust me when I say that you can never really know exactly what's going to come down the pike.
All you can do is trust yourself to do the best you can and be as resilient as possible; trust in your partner to make good choices alongside you; and hope for a lot of luck.
But certainly don't be lulled into thinking that stepmothering is easy or that being the second wife is a party. She's not just his ex-wife; she's your ex-wife now too. And he is bound to her forever. And no matter what else you do, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that his children might and probably will always come first—and that you might feel like you are being shut out of that. This is very common, and I know many people who would not be able to swallow the fact that in their marriage, they won't always be their partner's primary concern. It can feel like, "The whole point of a partnership is that I am first in someone else's life," yet that's not always the case when you marry a parent.
I hope it doesn't sound like I am trying to scare you off of dating this person, should the opportunity arise. But I am a second wife, and I live in a Stepford town full of second wives, and I have learned that the refrain of "I never really considered what I was getting into" is a common one. I believe in considering all the possibilities, with eyes wide open, and making informed choices, especially when kids are involved.
posted by pineapple at 9:18 PM on January 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
« Older Help us Find a Settling Location in the Soutwest | Omnibus men's style questions post Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
in terms of friends/family - control the conversation. How you present it will dictate the rest. Don't make a big deal about it. Mention it casually. 'And Mark's really involved with the local Habitat for Humanity... He also is a great Dad. His kids are 3 year old Max and 5 year old Ella. They live in Boston, where Mark is from, with their Mom. He sees them once a month. Mark and his Ex actively co-parent the kids. I haven't met them yet, but Mark has told them about me and I hope to spend some time with them in April when they're visiting for Easter.'
You're not a fortune teller. Who knows how they'll react? If you're cool about it, they'll take the hint.
posted by k8t at 8:32 PM on January 2, 2010