Breakup = :-(
December 25, 2009 1:44 PM Subscribe
Help me cope with my loneliness and pain a month after getting dumped.
I'm really doing poorly a month after my last question about getting dumped:
Logically, I know the relationship is over (see my update at the bottom of the last thread), but really the slim chance that he'll sort out his confused feelings and come back to me is the only thing that keeps me hanging on through the pain. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about him, and how much I miss him. Seeing him last Sunday only made the feelings worse, as did hugging and kissing him. I know it's not healthy for me to dwell on this though, and he told me himself that I can't pin all my hopes on this one possibility, when even he doesn't know how he feels. So, I know I need to move on. But how?
In my last question, responses told me to focus on getting through finals. I did that, but now my life is back to horrible emptiness, plus my friends have left town for the break. I'm alone, with nothing to do but think about my ex and the girl he's going to date (and replace me with). I'm on the waiting list for therapy at school, but I won't get in for a month, at least. Lexapro has helped amazingly with my anxiety, but now I feel crippled by depression.
What are healthy ways to distract myself from the pain and loneliness? I could stand to lose a few pounds but the university gym is also closed for winter break, and the foot of snow outside makes exercise difficult. Watching funny TV shows like The Office makes me sad because I used to watch them with him. Ditto with most movies.
I've tried going on a few dates, but doing that just makes me miss my ex more. Plenty of guys are interested in me (in the world of online dating), but I'm having difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to, physically or mentally. My ex was really the only guy I've ever gone out with that I found attractive.
What are some of the things MeFites have used to get through rough times in your lives? How can I break myself of the habit of wanting to talk to him constantly? How do stop being reminded of him by everything I see?
I'm really doing poorly a month after my last question about getting dumped:
Logically, I know the relationship is over (see my update at the bottom of the last thread), but really the slim chance that he'll sort out his confused feelings and come back to me is the only thing that keeps me hanging on through the pain. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about him, and how much I miss him. Seeing him last Sunday only made the feelings worse, as did hugging and kissing him. I know it's not healthy for me to dwell on this though, and he told me himself that I can't pin all my hopes on this one possibility, when even he doesn't know how he feels. So, I know I need to move on. But how?
In my last question, responses told me to focus on getting through finals. I did that, but now my life is back to horrible emptiness, plus my friends have left town for the break. I'm alone, with nothing to do but think about my ex and the girl he's going to date (and replace me with). I'm on the waiting list for therapy at school, but I won't get in for a month, at least. Lexapro has helped amazingly with my anxiety, but now I feel crippled by depression.
What are healthy ways to distract myself from the pain and loneliness? I could stand to lose a few pounds but the university gym is also closed for winter break, and the foot of snow outside makes exercise difficult. Watching funny TV shows like The Office makes me sad because I used to watch them with him. Ditto with most movies.
I've tried going on a few dates, but doing that just makes me miss my ex more. Plenty of guys are interested in me (in the world of online dating), but I'm having difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to, physically or mentally. My ex was really the only guy I've ever gone out with that I found attractive.
What are some of the things MeFites have used to get through rough times in your lives? How can I break myself of the habit of wanting to talk to him constantly? How do stop being reminded of him by everything I see?
The overwhelming advice in your last question about this situation was to stop trying to contact him. You continued to stay in contact with him. This is an illustration of why everyone told you to stop contacting him- it doesn't make you feel better; in fact, it just prolongs the pain. Stop contacting him for real this time. Stop calling, stop texting, stop e-mailing, stop whatever. If you need a project, let that be it. Once you are really free from having him as a part of your life, the parts of you that are devoted to feeling bad will be reborn from the ashes into so many new, exciting things. I promise! Good luck to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on December 25, 2009 [13 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on December 25, 2009 [13 favorites]
I feel for you. Remember, you only have to get through today. Worry about tomorrow when it comes. Since options for today are rather limited though, I would try to do one, some or all of the following:
posted by iamkimiam at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
- Cook/prepare something weird and stupid using only the strange ingredients you have in your kitchen.
- Find a craft project you've put away. Beads? Knitting? Photo arranging? Anything creative and cathartic will do.
- Netflix streaming has been my savior during a tough couple of months. If you don't have it already, sign up...for $10/month you can get access to unlimited downloads of their 'watch instantly' collection of tv shows, movies, and workout videos. I've been filling up my queue, and watching the first 10 minutes of whatever, until something grabs me. The yoga/pilates/kickboxing downloads are decent for a 20-30 minute feel good fix.
- Journaling, blogging, list-making...all good ways to organize a mess of thought.
- Reading old threads on MetaFilter, Kottke, or whatever websites you end up birdwalking onto. TED talks are good. Also, search for the "Breakup" episode of This American Life. It'll make you feel better, I promise, promise, promise.
- Set up google reader and subscribe to a bunch of feeds. Organize them into categories. Make a section called Self-improvement and go find a bunch of feeds to put into it.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
What are healthy ways to distract myself from the pain and loneliness?
It is not healthy to distract yourself from the pain and lonliness. It is something you must go through. Instead, learn to break down your day into moments that are fine, and moments that you feel pain and lonliness. In other words, when you start to feel bad, don't run away from it. Without dwelling unnecessarily on the pain, accept it without acting on it. That means don't allow yourself to fall into a fantasy of him coming back to you, or even a negative fantasy of being left alone. It also means that you should not eat, take drugs, or bang your head against the wall to distract yourself from the pain. Just feel it.
Keep focused on the feelings as they come up. Also realize that for a significant portion of the day, you aren't actually feeling bad. Instead, if you observe closely, you will notice that these feelings actually come and go. Get comfortable with that.
Finally, realize that you cannot predict the future. It may work out, it may not. Become comfortable with the not knowing.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:02 PM on December 25, 2009 [8 favorites]
It is not healthy to distract yourself from the pain and lonliness. It is something you must go through. Instead, learn to break down your day into moments that are fine, and moments that you feel pain and lonliness. In other words, when you start to feel bad, don't run away from it. Without dwelling unnecessarily on the pain, accept it without acting on it. That means don't allow yourself to fall into a fantasy of him coming back to you, or even a negative fantasy of being left alone. It also means that you should not eat, take drugs, or bang your head against the wall to distract yourself from the pain. Just feel it.
Keep focused on the feelings as they come up. Also realize that for a significant portion of the day, you aren't actually feeling bad. Instead, if you observe closely, you will notice that these feelings actually come and go. Get comfortable with that.
Finally, realize that you cannot predict the future. It may work out, it may not. Become comfortable with the not knowing.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:02 PM on December 25, 2009 [8 favorites]
I think it's good that you're looking at these feelings as part of a disease and not part of the normal breaking-up process. The things you probably already know -- getting plenty of rest, getting exercise, eating healthily -- are important to keep up while you're waiting for more treatment options.
It doesn't sound like you're really ready to date anyone, so I think moving on in that way is something you can forestall until you feel like you have your feet under you again.
In the next few days (and surely that's all we're dealing with until some of your friends start trickling back into town) you're going to be inclined to wallow, and you need to fight off that impulse with everything you've got.
Sitting at home watching TV and wishing you were doing it with him counts as wallowing.
If exercise is what you're after, then that foot of snow outside is your best friend. Get up tomorrow and gear up and go for the longest, most rambling walk that you've ever been on in your life. Challenge yourself. When you get home, pick one room in your house and clean it more thoroughly than it's ever been cleaned before. If you still have some steam after that, do another room. Afterward you'll have more of an appetite and you'll also be a little more grateful for whatever you do afterward -- I recommend reading over movies, you're more engaged and your mind is less likely to wander back to what you wish you were doing. Maybe cook something that takes time and effort to prepare, something you will thoroughly enjoy. At the end of a day like this, you will be so worn out that you'll sleep much better, which will set you up even better for the following day. And so forth.
Take this one day at a time. You have more power over what happens to you in the next hour than what happens in the next week/month/year. Don't waste that potential.
posted by hermitosis at 2:04 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like you're really ready to date anyone, so I think moving on in that way is something you can forestall until you feel like you have your feet under you again.
In the next few days (and surely that's all we're dealing with until some of your friends start trickling back into town) you're going to be inclined to wallow, and you need to fight off that impulse with everything you've got.
Sitting at home watching TV and wishing you were doing it with him counts as wallowing.
If exercise is what you're after, then that foot of snow outside is your best friend. Get up tomorrow and gear up and go for the longest, most rambling walk that you've ever been on in your life. Challenge yourself. When you get home, pick one room in your house and clean it more thoroughly than it's ever been cleaned before. If you still have some steam after that, do another room. Afterward you'll have more of an appetite and you'll also be a little more grateful for whatever you do afterward -- I recommend reading over movies, you're more engaged and your mind is less likely to wander back to what you wish you were doing. Maybe cook something that takes time and effort to prepare, something you will thoroughly enjoy. At the end of a day like this, you will be so worn out that you'll sleep much better, which will set you up even better for the following day. And so forth.
Take this one day at a time. You have more power over what happens to you in the next hour than what happens in the next week/month/year. Don't waste that potential.
posted by hermitosis at 2:04 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this will work for you, but it has sometimes helped me.
Instead of watching funny movies, watch "quality" movies. Artsy, profound, the sort of films you find on film school or philosophy syllabuses. Ideally, you want the kind of movie that leaves your brain feeling good from having something to think about seriously, even if the film itself is not a feel-good film. It takes you out of your head for a bit and leaves you feeling like you've done something good with your time.
posted by mail at 2:07 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
Instead of watching funny movies, watch "quality" movies. Artsy, profound, the sort of films you find on film school or philosophy syllabuses. Ideally, you want the kind of movie that leaves your brain feeling good from having something to think about seriously, even if the film itself is not a feel-good film. It takes you out of your head for a bit and leaves you feeling like you've done something good with your time.
posted by mail at 2:07 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
But how?
By not hugging and kissing him. That was just rocket fuel being dumped on the ashes of your pain. Give your heart a chance to learn that this relationship is over.
Get to know yourself again. Relearn what food you like to eat, what music you enjoy listening to and what life goals you want to devote yourself to accomplishing in the New Year.
posted by Solomon at 2:09 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
By not hugging and kissing him. That was just rocket fuel being dumped on the ashes of your pain. Give your heart a chance to learn that this relationship is over.
Get to know yourself again. Relearn what food you like to eat, what music you enjoy listening to and what life goals you want to devote yourself to accomplishing in the New Year.
posted by Solomon at 2:09 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
Lot's of great advice here. To actively get over a breakup is a good stance to have, and will probably lead to better decisions. I think there's also something to be said about just sitting with it (the bad feelings, emotions, loniliness) and accepting things as they are (not forever, but maybe a day or two) instead of fighting off any feelings or attempting to distract yourself. It might help you see yourself as strong and more in control than you realized. It also might dispel any fear you have about pain/lonliness and help you move forward better off for having this experience.
posted by marimeko at 2:30 PM on December 25, 2009
posted by marimeko at 2:30 PM on December 25, 2009
Solomon: "By not hugging and kissing him."
Yes, that was my first question... if your relationship is over, why are you hugging and kissing him? Why are you even seeing him unless he's a co-worker or something and you can't avoid it? You're going to need to not do that anymore.
posted by IndigoRain at 2:49 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yes, that was my first question... if your relationship is over, why are you hugging and kissing him? Why are you even seeing him unless he's a co-worker or something and you can't avoid it? You're going to need to not do that anymore.
posted by IndigoRain at 2:49 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm still not 100% over my ex, especially on days like Christmas, but one thing that did help a lot was when I got over the idea that we would ever be together again.
For the first year after we had broken up I still believed that one day we would be living in an old country house, making our own wine and having lots of dogs and kids. And it wasn't unreasonable of me...my ex believed maybe one day we would be back together too.
The only thing that helped me get over it was when my ex fell in love with someone else, and did some kind of callous things to me in the process. One of those callous things involved hooking up with one of my family members, after which I realized we would never be together.
And I slowly got over it. You can too. You have to give up the idea of you and your ex ever being together again. If he wanted to be with you he would be.
Alternatively, if you ever did want to get him back (which is an avenue I recommend not pursuing...but if you should) then he has to see that you can live without him and be happy, and that other people are interested in you, and that you've gotten over him.
STOP CONTACTING HIM! Know that millions of people have been through this and millions have gotten over it. Be gentle with yourself and slowly get back on your feet. Have a contingency plan for if you ever feel like talking to him. You'll be okay.
posted by whalebreath at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
For the first year after we had broken up I still believed that one day we would be living in an old country house, making our own wine and having lots of dogs and kids. And it wasn't unreasonable of me...my ex believed maybe one day we would be back together too.
The only thing that helped me get over it was when my ex fell in love with someone else, and did some kind of callous things to me in the process. One of those callous things involved hooking up with one of my family members, after which I realized we would never be together.
And I slowly got over it. You can too. You have to give up the idea of you and your ex ever being together again. If he wanted to be with you he would be.
Alternatively, if you ever did want to get him back (which is an avenue I recommend not pursuing...but if you should) then he has to see that you can live without him and be happy, and that other people are interested in you, and that you've gotten over him.
STOP CONTACTING HIM! Know that millions of people have been through this and millions have gotten over it. Be gentle with yourself and slowly get back on your feet. Have a contingency plan for if you ever feel like talking to him. You'll be okay.
posted by whalebreath at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: You all are definitely right that I need to stop contacting him. Seeing him was definitely a mistake; I flipped out after seeing pictures of him on Facebook with the girl he's considering dating and called him a million times before driving to his apartment to get my key back. Seeing how upset and crazy I was acting prompted him to follow me to my place, where we talked and cried about how we were feeling. That's when he told me that he still loves me, but is excited by new prospects, and that he and his friends want him to date one of his classmates. He said he's confused about his feelings, but can't get back together with me when he has doubts about our future.
So it's hard for me, knowing that he's going to go out with this girl, and will probably fall in love with her. He says he doesn't know what will happen in the future, but I shouldn't hang around waiting for him in case he comes back. It's so hard to stop myself from contacting him though. It's reflexive to send him little texts about something I saw that reminded me of him, or to see how he's doing. I know I have to stop though; it just hurts so much that sometimes I curl up and hope I'll die, to stop the pain.
posted by mesha steele at 3:46 PM on December 25, 2009
So it's hard for me, knowing that he's going to go out with this girl, and will probably fall in love with her. He says he doesn't know what will happen in the future, but I shouldn't hang around waiting for him in case he comes back. It's so hard to stop myself from contacting him though. It's reflexive to send him little texts about something I saw that reminded me of him, or to see how he's doing. I know I have to stop though; it just hurts so much that sometimes I curl up and hope I'll die, to stop the pain.
posted by mesha steele at 3:46 PM on December 25, 2009
Keep busy. I kept my schedule so busy I didn't have time to miss my ex. Also, do things like volunteering that keep your mind focused on the needs of others so you don't feel sorry for yourself. Get a puppy or a kitten (if you're responsible enough to handle it and can handle a decade or more commitment). That's sure to make you feel better.
posted by bananafish at 4:19 PM on December 25, 2009
posted by bananafish at 4:19 PM on December 25, 2009
It'll help you a lot to unfriend him on Facebook. It's too easy to cyberstalk him otherwise. He may care about you, but he's ready to move on. Let him move on. You can always refriend him later. Don't overthink this. Unfriending him will get him out of your space a bit.
Isn't this so miserable? I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I totally remember being this miserable at the end of relationships in my early- and mid-20s. I had a really hard time controlling myself to stop contacting the ex in question. In retrospect, I realize I really didn't respect myself. Someone was telling me he didn't want to be with me--that should have been enough for me to say, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me." But I pushed and pushed and pushed and made myself miserable and looked totally pathetic to the guy, his friends, and my friends. It drove the guy away even more. My insecurities were killing me.
(For what it's worth, I did eventually grow out of these self-defeating behaviors.)
Is there any chance you can take a mini road trip to visit a friend somewhere else? I think you need a change of scenery. Even a day trip to a museum would do you good.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:54 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
Isn't this so miserable? I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I totally remember being this miserable at the end of relationships in my early- and mid-20s. I had a really hard time controlling myself to stop contacting the ex in question. In retrospect, I realize I really didn't respect myself. Someone was telling me he didn't want to be with me--that should have been enough for me to say, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me." But I pushed and pushed and pushed and made myself miserable and looked totally pathetic to the guy, his friends, and my friends. It drove the guy away even more. My insecurities were killing me.
(For what it's worth, I did eventually grow out of these self-defeating behaviors.)
Is there any chance you can take a mini road trip to visit a friend somewhere else? I think you need a change of scenery. Even a day trip to a museum would do you good.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:54 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
STOP CONTACTING HIM. STOP STALKING HIM ON FACEBOOK. STOP BEING IN TOUCH WITH HIM. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sorry for being all shoutyface, but you need to hear this. Print messages like this out and stick them to your phone. De-friend him on Facebook. Take his phone number off your cell. Take his email out of your address book.
STOP CONTACTING HIM.
Read this. And this.
He said he's confused about his feelings, but can't get back together with me when he has doubts about our future.
You and he have no future. I mean, you have a future, and he has a future, but your relationship is over. You need to really own this, because it's what's going on. He's already dating.
I don't know why he's not being firmer with you, but it doesn't sound like he's ambivalent about whether to get back with you or not. Perhaps he's afraid that you're unstable and thinks it's kinder to give you hope. If so, he is wrong.
You will meet other people. You will be happy with other people. You and this man are not going to date again--his actions say that, even if his words don't.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:55 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sorry for being all shoutyface, but you need to hear this. Print messages like this out and stick them to your phone. De-friend him on Facebook. Take his phone number off your cell. Take his email out of your address book.
STOP CONTACTING HIM.
Read this. And this.
He said he's confused about his feelings, but can't get back together with me when he has doubts about our future.
You and he have no future. I mean, you have a future, and he has a future, but your relationship is over. You need to really own this, because it's what's going on. He's already dating.
I don't know why he's not being firmer with you, but it doesn't sound like he's ambivalent about whether to get back with you or not. Perhaps he's afraid that you're unstable and thinks it's kinder to give you hope. If so, he is wrong.
You will meet other people. You will be happy with other people. You and this man are not going to date again--his actions say that, even if his words don't.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:55 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry if that seems cruel, but I went through this with the ex (except he was all "Let's get back together and get married" and I was all "Let's not talk to each other ever again" and he was all "Let's go on a date" and I was all "Let's not" and he was all breaking into my apartment and I was all...)oh, God, it was so horrible, and I wish someone had said THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT to me. It would have saved me four months of ick.
On the upside, I met my Largely Mythological Husband two months later, and broke my solemn vow to take at least six months off from dating because he was so awesome. This could be you, too, if you get over Passive-Aggressive McStringalong.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:58 PM on December 25, 2009 [5 favorites]
On the upside, I met my Largely Mythological Husband two months later, and broke my solemn vow to take at least six months off from dating because he was so awesome. This could be you, too, if you get over Passive-Aggressive McStringalong.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:58 PM on December 25, 2009 [5 favorites]
Read the book "Intimate Connections" by David Burns. It's gonna change your life.
posted by Theloupgarou at 6:21 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Theloupgarou at 6:21 PM on December 25, 2009 [2 favorites]
mesha steele: I wrote something very cruel, then erased it. If you want to hear a cruel answer to compare and contrast with these supportive answers, write me directly and I can dish one out. Otherwise, best of luck. This too shall pass.
posted by eccnineten at 6:42 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by eccnineten at 6:42 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
- Delete his phone number from your phone
- Delete his email address from your email
- Unfriend him on Facebook
- Remove him as a MySpace/Twitter/whatever other friend you have
Hang out with friends who do not hang out with him. If you do not have these, hang out with mutual friends only when he's not there. Find new activities to do, activities that you wanted to do and he did not. Make friends with people who did not know him.
How much time do you have off? Go on a vacation--somewhere far away from where you and he hung out together.
Pain and loneliness is natural. By contacting him, by stalking him on Facebook, by not taking the cut-off-contact routes above, you are wallowing in it. You've been shot. You can either bandage it up and move on, waiting for it to heal, or you can take a rusty spoon and dig around in the wound while complaining that it hurts.
posted by Anonymous at 6:48 PM on December 25, 2009
- Delete his email address from your email
- Unfriend him on Facebook
- Remove him as a MySpace/Twitter/whatever other friend you have
Hang out with friends who do not hang out with him. If you do not have these, hang out with mutual friends only when he's not there. Find new activities to do, activities that you wanted to do and he did not. Make friends with people who did not know him.
How much time do you have off? Go on a vacation--somewhere far away from where you and he hung out together.
Pain and loneliness is natural. By contacting him, by stalking him on Facebook, by not taking the cut-off-contact routes above, you are wallowing in it. You've been shot. You can either bandage it up and move on, waiting for it to heal, or you can take a rusty spoon and dig around in the wound while complaining that it hurts.
posted by Anonymous at 6:48 PM on December 25, 2009
I cried, without fail, every single day after my breakup, until the day I told my ex that I didn't want him to contact me anymore and that I wouldn't contact him. I blocked him on Facebook and all other social networking sites and chat clients, and I made a pledge to myself to not do any other kind of cyber stalking of any kind at all. Three months later when my Firefox auto-fill had finally forgotten the URL of his twitter and stopped suggesting it was momentous.
I say this not to be redundant or a broken record (because this amounts to the same advice that everyone anywhere with any sense will give you), but hoping that some detail or turn of phrase in this response will be your impetus to take the advice that I ignored for months.
And one last thing: I, too, really wanted to send my ex little texts or notes when I saw something that reminded me of him, or read an article he would like, or things like that. For a few months I kept a Notepad file open in the background at all times, and whenever something like that struck me, I would type it into the file and then minimize it. Nowadays I keep it saved but haven't opened it in months. Has anyone told you yet these things take time?
posted by telegraph at 6:56 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
I say this not to be redundant or a broken record (because this amounts to the same advice that everyone anywhere with any sense will give you), but hoping that some detail or turn of phrase in this response will be your impetus to take the advice that I ignored for months.
And one last thing: I, too, really wanted to send my ex little texts or notes when I saw something that reminded me of him, or read an article he would like, or things like that. For a few months I kept a Notepad file open in the background at all times, and whenever something like that struck me, I would type it into the file and then minimize it. Nowadays I keep it saved but haven't opened it in months. Has anyone told you yet these things take time?
posted by telegraph at 6:56 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
We told you to stop trying to see him and stop talking to him, and you didn't listen, and you saw him and spoke to him, and now you feel worse. What, exactly, do you think our advice will be this time?
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"Stop doing that."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:27 PM on December 25, 2009 [8 favorites]
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"Stop doing that."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:27 PM on December 25, 2009 [8 favorites]
Sounds like it's time for a psychological purge. Purge his contact information from everything, as others have suggested above. Put away the most flagrant reminders of him (throw away the things you can stand to get rid of, box up the things you can't throw away right now). Delete, bury, hide the things that are inextricably linked to him.
While you're at it, why not take the opportunity to just thoroughly organize your life - get your files in order, get rid of clothes you don't wear and stuff you don't use, give your place the most thorough cleaning imaginable. All of these are significant tasks that can either be broken down into manageable pieces for the days where you're only able to get a little bit done at a time, or can be done in intense days-long bouts of effort, if you're up to that. Extend it to your electronic files as well as your physical files if you need an additional project. Clear as much as you can physically in your life - it fills up time and inhabiting a refreshed space is emotionally and mentally soothing.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:19 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
While you're at it, why not take the opportunity to just thoroughly organize your life - get your files in order, get rid of clothes you don't wear and stuff you don't use, give your place the most thorough cleaning imaginable. All of these are significant tasks that can either be broken down into manageable pieces for the days where you're only able to get a little bit done at a time, or can be done in intense days-long bouts of effort, if you're up to that. Extend it to your electronic files as well as your physical files if you need an additional project. Clear as much as you can physically in your life - it fills up time and inhabiting a refreshed space is emotionally and mentally soothing.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:19 PM on December 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am agreeing with everyone here. Two months ago, I kissed and hugged my husband goodbye for the last time. It was a very sudden breakup, completely out of the blue for me, and one of the most devastating things that had ever happened to me. Luckily for me, I only lived with him part time, on the opposite side of the world. I can't tell you how difficult it was knowing when I was kissing him goodbye that it was going to be the last time I ever saw him again, ever.
In hindsight, I couldn't have asked for a better way for it to happen. Of course it was completely out of my control, my life with him was in Melbourne, mine alone was in NYC. The biggest thing that helped me was the fact that he played absolutely zero role in my day to day life here. It was completely out of sight, out of mind. The only painful moments were when I had to have contact with him to deal with our shared real estate. I soon learned the less contact with him, the less pain for me.
The other things that helped immensely was that I had a fledgling business that needed alot of work right when the breakup happened. Again, I had no control over how this played out, but I couldn't have asked for better timing. I had no choice but to focus on this business oretty much every waking hour. It certainly distracted me, and got me over the toughest time immediately after. If you can find something like this for you, I highly recommend it, and intensive course or class that requires all your concentration might be something that you can do.
There were a few tricks that I used when I started feeling bad, or started missing the relationship. The first thing I would do is write him long long letters about what I was feeling. I put these in the form of emails, and of course, saved them as drafts and never sent them. This is the same as journaling. I cannot recommend this highly enough. It is an excellent way to purge those thoughts and feelings from your mind, and to sort through them. It also has an immediate effect of making you feel better. Try this the next time you are feeling overwhelmed..just write down everything you are feeling, or want to tell him.
Another trick is something that I culled from the pages of askme, the day after he dropped the bomb on me. I was essentailly a vegetable, I couldn't think straight, function, eat, etc. I came here and did a search on break ups and relationships, and found this little trick. When you find you're obsessing, and your brain is in a loop just thinking about this guy or your relationship, you need to catch yourself and immediately break this train of thought. It just leads to a downward spiral of bad feelings. Every time you catch yourself thinking about him, and I mean EVERY TIME, immediately break it off and play some type of mental game instead, to give your brain something else to think about. Your brain needs something to do, and if it is busy figuring out some little game it won't have time to obsess. Obsessing is habit forming, and you need to break this habit.
One ot the ones I would do is pick any random word and then try to find a synonym for it for each letter of the alphabet. I did cheat a little bit and found myself using words I felt described lesser aspects of my ex, like "weak"..Anaemic, Bedraggled, Cowardly, Debilitated, Enfeebled, Frail, etc....
Any type of mathematical skills game would work as well. It may sound silly, but it is almost magical how your brain can train itself not to obsess.
Don't think that this is avoidance either, I am actively dealing with the split still, just from a much, much saner place. It's not devastating for me to think of him, or our relationship. It causes me sadness, no doubt, but it's not anything that I can't deal with in a pretty rational manner. I have accepted that he and I will never be together, and have for the most part moved on.
You need to be able to move on. Your relationship with him is not the best one you will ever have in your life, trust me when I say this. Relationships tend to get better as you get older and learn more about them and life in general. There is a better one out there waiting for you.
posted by newpotato at 6:38 AM on December 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
In hindsight, I couldn't have asked for a better way for it to happen. Of course it was completely out of my control, my life with him was in Melbourne, mine alone was in NYC. The biggest thing that helped me was the fact that he played absolutely zero role in my day to day life here. It was completely out of sight, out of mind. The only painful moments were when I had to have contact with him to deal with our shared real estate. I soon learned the less contact with him, the less pain for me.
The other things that helped immensely was that I had a fledgling business that needed alot of work right when the breakup happened. Again, I had no control over how this played out, but I couldn't have asked for better timing. I had no choice but to focus on this business oretty much every waking hour. It certainly distracted me, and got me over the toughest time immediately after. If you can find something like this for you, I highly recommend it, and intensive course or class that requires all your concentration might be something that you can do.
There were a few tricks that I used when I started feeling bad, or started missing the relationship. The first thing I would do is write him long long letters about what I was feeling. I put these in the form of emails, and of course, saved them as drafts and never sent them. This is the same as journaling. I cannot recommend this highly enough. It is an excellent way to purge those thoughts and feelings from your mind, and to sort through them. It also has an immediate effect of making you feel better. Try this the next time you are feeling overwhelmed..just write down everything you are feeling, or want to tell him.
Another trick is something that I culled from the pages of askme, the day after he dropped the bomb on me. I was essentailly a vegetable, I couldn't think straight, function, eat, etc. I came here and did a search on break ups and relationships, and found this little trick. When you find you're obsessing, and your brain is in a loop just thinking about this guy or your relationship, you need to catch yourself and immediately break this train of thought. It just leads to a downward spiral of bad feelings. Every time you catch yourself thinking about him, and I mean EVERY TIME, immediately break it off and play some type of mental game instead, to give your brain something else to think about. Your brain needs something to do, and if it is busy figuring out some little game it won't have time to obsess. Obsessing is habit forming, and you need to break this habit.
One ot the ones I would do is pick any random word and then try to find a synonym for it for each letter of the alphabet. I did cheat a little bit and found myself using words I felt described lesser aspects of my ex, like "weak"..Anaemic, Bedraggled, Cowardly, Debilitated, Enfeebled, Frail, etc....
Any type of mathematical skills game would work as well. It may sound silly, but it is almost magical how your brain can train itself not to obsess.
Don't think that this is avoidance either, I am actively dealing with the split still, just from a much, much saner place. It's not devastating for me to think of him, or our relationship. It causes me sadness, no doubt, but it's not anything that I can't deal with in a pretty rational manner. I have accepted that he and I will never be together, and have for the most part moved on.
You need to be able to move on. Your relationship with him is not the best one you will ever have in your life, trust me when I say this. Relationships tend to get better as you get older and learn more about them and life in general. There is a better one out there waiting for you.
posted by newpotato at 6:38 AM on December 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Others have suggested that you completely eradicate him from social networking sites, YES YES YES. Block his ass from Facebook (please, please do this today). Block, DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT SHIT.
Others have suggested that you do your own thing, purge, become stronger in who you are and you'll find you have no need for someone who isn't into you anymore. YES YES YES. Be you. Be the strong you, not the weak you. The strong you will not give a rat's ass for this guy in the future.
Lastly, and because I know that wallowing in sorrow somehow seems like what you're supposed to do, make a list, (at least in your mind) of the things you CAN NOT STAND about your ex.
He has bad hair, that stupid way he eats, how his mother was such a bitch, the way he picks his teeth, whatEVER it is/was that made you go, ugh, I hate that.
Focus the beam in your mind onto those bad things, not the good things. The shitty way he made you feel that time. When he couldn't be bothered with the cat. How he played with your emotions.
If you can't find anything to go on the list of bad, you're doing it wrong. Try again. When you think of the good things, you should try to see them as little bones he was throwing you. You don't need bones, do you?
You will get over him, this won't kill you, even if it feels like it will.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 6:54 AM on December 26, 2009
Others have suggested that you do your own thing, purge, become stronger in who you are and you'll find you have no need for someone who isn't into you anymore. YES YES YES. Be you. Be the strong you, not the weak you. The strong you will not give a rat's ass for this guy in the future.
Lastly, and because I know that wallowing in sorrow somehow seems like what you're supposed to do, make a list, (at least in your mind) of the things you CAN NOT STAND about your ex.
He has bad hair, that stupid way he eats, how his mother was such a bitch, the way he picks his teeth, whatEVER it is/was that made you go, ugh, I hate that.
Focus the beam in your mind onto those bad things, not the good things. The shitty way he made you feel that time. When he couldn't be bothered with the cat. How he played with your emotions.
If you can't find anything to go on the list of bad, you're doing it wrong. Try again. When you think of the good things, you should try to see them as little bones he was throwing you. You don't need bones, do you?
You will get over him, this won't kill you, even if it feels like it will.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 6:54 AM on December 26, 2009
I'm going through a breakup myself right now. I'm two months post-end, and he and I have not spoken since we exchanged things. Honestly? It still sucks. It doesn't suck as much as it did the day after we broke up, or after the last day I saw him. It takes a long time, and that's ok. (Even though it feels like it's not, and everything sucks.)
I can relate to almost everything you wrote up there. There's no way to stop everything from reminding you of him, and you're going to miss him, and think about him, and it's going to be really crappy for a while. I've been trying for two months to find the same answers, and I've failed, too.
If you want to MeFiMail me to commiserate, you're more than welcome to. It might help you feel like you're not so alone. And as completely and utterly alone as you feel right now, you're not. I promise.
posted by inmediasres at 7:33 AM on December 26, 2009
I can relate to almost everything you wrote up there. There's no way to stop everything from reminding you of him, and you're going to miss him, and think about him, and it's going to be really crappy for a while. I've been trying for two months to find the same answers, and I've failed, too.
If you want to MeFiMail me to commiserate, you're more than welcome to. It might help you feel like you're not so alone. And as completely and utterly alone as you feel right now, you're not. I promise.
posted by inmediasres at 7:33 AM on December 26, 2009
My breakup was a couple days after your breakup, and I actually read your question for advice and then posted asking for breakup poetry.
Our brains are simulation machines. It's very tempting to rewind and playback the mistakes and then try to fix them. It's also tempting to simulate scenarios where he suddenly runs back to you and you live happily ever after. This is less "facing the pain" and more "indulging in fantasy."
Do something that you've always wanted to do, but never got around to. For me, it was exercising and reading poetry (sometimes simultaneously).
Good luck. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to mefimail me. A lot of this is really familiar to me right now.
posted by yaymukund at 7:51 AM on December 26, 2009
Our brains are simulation machines. It's very tempting to rewind and playback the mistakes and then try to fix them. It's also tempting to simulate scenarios where he suddenly runs back to you and you live happily ever after. This is less "facing the pain" and more "indulging in fantasy."
Do something that you've always wanted to do, but never got around to. For me, it was exercising and reading poetry (sometimes simultaneously).
Good luck. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to mefimail me. A lot of this is really familiar to me right now.
posted by yaymukund at 7:51 AM on December 26, 2009
"I could stand to lose a few pounds but ... the foot of snow outside makes exercise difficult."
Oh, awesome! Just go for walks then! The foot of snow makes that difficult—which makes them exercise.
Time spent on walks is time spent alone, not seeing your ex's Facebook updates, exercising and observing nature. Those are all good things that will help you through this.
posted by heatherann at 7:53 AM on December 26, 2009
Oh, awesome! Just go for walks then! The foot of snow makes that difficult—which makes them exercise.
Time spent on walks is time spent alone, not seeing your ex's Facebook updates, exercising and observing nature. Those are all good things that will help you through this.
posted by heatherann at 7:53 AM on December 26, 2009
Has anyone suggested yoga? You can do it indoors so the foot of snow is not a deterrent, and all you need is an instructional dvd to get started. I bet you will feel better both physically and mentally immediately.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:14 AM on December 26, 2009
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:14 AM on December 26, 2009
Response by poster: I've made it through two days without contacting him, but I still feel awful. I've tried distracting myself with endless games of Text Twist online (so much that I now come up with new word combos in my head on my own). I think I'm actually getting worse as time drags on; I alternate between eating nothing and gorging myself on junk food, and I either want to sleep all day, or I stay up all night writing half-crazed, suicidal emails to him (that I manage not to actually send). Everyone keeps telling me just to cheer up, but I can't. I destroyed the greatest thing in my life, and the only thing that keeps me going is the slight possibility that he'll come back to me eventually (which of course I know logically won't happen).
posted by mesha steele at 12:23 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by mesha steele at 12:23 PM on December 28, 2009
"writing half-crazed, suicidal emails" is a very strong sign that some kind of therapy is in order. That's unhealthy to a large degree.
posted by Solomon at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by Solomon at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2009
Not sending those e-mails is good. Keep not sending them.
You indicated originally that it would take a month to see a therapist through the university - have you investigated whether they have a means of speeding that up if the need for assistance is urgent? Or can you get a referral somewhere else for immediate help? The fact that you're telling people that you're writing suicidal e-mails (even if they remain unsent) indicates that you're really struggling right now. Please make the effort to find out what your options for immediate help are. While an appointment with a counselor would be ideal, a crisis helpline may also be able to assist you.
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:52 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
You indicated originally that it would take a month to see a therapist through the university - have you investigated whether they have a means of speeding that up if the need for assistance is urgent? Or can you get a referral somewhere else for immediate help? The fact that you're telling people that you're writing suicidal e-mails (even if they remain unsent) indicates that you're really struggling right now. Please make the effort to find out what your options for immediate help are. While an appointment with a counselor would be ideal, a crisis helpline may also be able to assist you.
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:52 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Well, I broke down again last night, and after sending him the suicidal text messages, I called him and we talked. He doesn't want to try again, saying it's too awkward right now and he needs space. The possibility of being with him again is really the only thing that's kept me hanging on this long. He stopped saying he loves me too. I have no access to therapy or anything right now, and I don't want to keep dealing with the hurt. It's too much.
posted by mesha steele at 12:10 PM on December 29, 2009
posted by mesha steele at 12:10 PM on December 29, 2009
Please call someone who will be focused on helping you. If it's local for you, this looks like a good resource: (405) 848-CARE (2273) - description here. If it's not local, you can call 1-800-273-TALK.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:38 PM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:38 PM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
You say that you're on a waiting list at the school - could you go back to the school and explain to them that the situation has changed? They might be more forthcoming if you outline how serious it is.
If you can't do this, please consider going to the emergency room and talking to someone there. This isn't the sort of thing that you should deal with alone, and you'll find trained professionals there who can help you cope. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will start to feel better.
I know it's hard right now, but you're not alone in this, for what it's worth. There is hope, and there are people out there who can help you.
posted by Solomon at 3:02 PM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you can't do this, please consider going to the emergency room and talking to someone there. This isn't the sort of thing that you should deal with alone, and you'll find trained professionals there who can help you cope. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will start to feel better.
I know it's hard right now, but you're not alone in this, for what it's worth. There is hope, and there are people out there who can help you.
posted by Solomon at 3:02 PM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
I've been there too. You can get through this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Call these people for free:
(800)442-4673 .....1-800-442-HOPE -- same routing as 1-800-SUICIDE
(800)472-3457 .....1-800-GRADHLP Grad student hotline
For email support 24 x 7:
jo@samaritans.org
It may take a few hours or more to generate a response
For online chat support now:
(none of these are 24 x7 but will tell you if online counselors are available)
http://newhopeonline.org/counseling/liveperson.html
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/chat/default.asp
posted by heatherann at 4:07 AM on December 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Call these people for free:
(800)442-4673 .....1-800-442-HOPE -- same routing as 1-800-SUICIDE
(800)472-3457 .....1-800-GRADHLP Grad student hotline
For email support 24 x 7:
jo@samaritans.org
It may take a few hours or more to generate a response
For online chat support now:
(none of these are 24 x7 but will tell you if online counselors are available)
http://newhopeonline.org/counseling/liveperson.html
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/chat/default.asp
posted by heatherann at 4:07 AM on December 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't know if you're reading this, OP, but on the offchance that you are, how are things going?
posted by Solomon at 7:30 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by Solomon at 7:30 AM on January 5, 2010
Hey, mesha steele, please be all right. We're here if you need us.
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:25 PM on January 5, 2010
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:25 PM on January 5, 2010
If anyone is checking back here, mesha steele did come back on the 8th to say that while things aren't great, she's slowly feeling a bit better after backing away from Facebook, etc. I think the comment got lost in the server blip Jan. 8.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:32 PM on January 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:32 PM on January 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I wish I could say that I was still feeling better, but really, I'm back at the beginning. I went a month without contacting him, but I still kept crying for hours a day. I did try to reach him yesterday, but he didn't answer. My therapy appointment was pushed back to February 22nd, because of my class schedule (and can't be moved earlier, I tried). So mostly, I spend my days crying on the couch, watching tv. I do take breaks for exercise on the elliptical I bought, and I've lost a little weight, but that's also from barely eating. I still just wish he would come back; I pray for that every night.
posted by mesha steele at 1:42 PM on January 25, 2010
posted by mesha steele at 1:42 PM on January 25, 2010
I did try to reach him yesterday, but he didn't answer.
Well, at least you are experiencing some good fortune.
posted by hermitosis at 1:55 PM on January 25, 2010
Well, at least you are experiencing some good fortune.
posted by hermitosis at 1:55 PM on January 25, 2010
Maybe that sounded a little brusque. But honestly, it was for the best. Do not call. You need to try and remember that what you are experiencing is not normal. This is not heartbreak. This is something else.
In the absence of actual professional care, the best you can do right now is muster the energy to break your patterns. Start over at the top of this thread and re-read everything, look for the over-arching message people are uniting to try and deliver to you, and help yourself while you can.
posted by hermitosis at 2:12 PM on January 25, 2010
In the absence of actual professional care, the best you can do right now is muster the energy to break your patterns. Start over at the top of this thread and re-read everything, look for the over-arching message people are uniting to try and deliver to you, and help yourself while you can.
posted by hermitosis at 2:12 PM on January 25, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mesha steele at 1:45 PM on December 25, 2009