How do I hold my head up after this?
December 24, 2009 12:04 PM Subscribe
How do I restore my reputation after a drunken public display?
I do not drink for health and financial reasons, however I had four or five mixed drinks at a local bar I frequent with a friend who does drink regularly. It was an open bar. I was completely out of control, exposed my breasts, men took pictures, I kissed other women openly and took a man home that was 27 years younger than me. (I had the sense to use protection). I'm 56 years old and I know there were people there that are friends with my ex husband and possibly my sons. I am mortally embarrassed and have no idea how to face these people and this small community pepperred with my customers I have to face professionally. Please help me to fix this. I did NOT drive and at the very least held to my conviction not to ever drive impaired. (I was in a serious motorcycle accident that was well publicized hit by a drunk driver and have been vociferous about the subject.) You can email offline: wild.old.hippy.chick@gmail.com
I do not drink for health and financial reasons, however I had four or five mixed drinks at a local bar I frequent with a friend who does drink regularly. It was an open bar. I was completely out of control, exposed my breasts, men took pictures, I kissed other women openly and took a man home that was 27 years younger than me. (I had the sense to use protection). I'm 56 years old and I know there were people there that are friends with my ex husband and possibly my sons. I am mortally embarrassed and have no idea how to face these people and this small community pepperred with my customers I have to face professionally. Please help me to fix this. I did NOT drive and at the very least held to my conviction not to ever drive impaired. (I was in a serious motorcycle accident that was well publicized hit by a drunk driver and have been vociferous about the subject.) You can email offline: wild.old.hippy.chick@gmail.com
Own it- ask for the pictures and use them to your benefit- send them out with a note as a christmas/new years eve card!
Sending out pictures of you exposing yourself and kissing members of the opposite sex is generaly not the sort of thing one puts on Christmas card, especially in a small community filled with one's customers.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:16 PM on December 24, 2009 [8 favorites]
Sending out pictures of you exposing yourself and kissing members of the opposite sex is generaly not the sort of thing one puts on Christmas card, especially in a small community filled with one's customers.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:16 PM on December 24, 2009 [8 favorites]
There is no "fix" to this.. Own it, embrace it as a part of you, then put it in your past as one wild night our of 56 years.. Unless, of course, this is a regular occurance, in which case I think everyone already knows..
posted by SteveG at 12:21 PM on December 24, 2009
posted by SteveG at 12:21 PM on December 24, 2009
Least said, soonest mended. If anyone is rude enough to bring it up to you, pretend you don't remember a thing! Only apologize to anyone you were rude to - otherwise, someone got laid and saw boobies - nothing to be sorry for!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:41 PM on December 24, 2009 [11 favorites]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:41 PM on December 24, 2009 [11 favorites]
I have immediate family and close friends who have done far far more embarassing than this and never looked back. Anybody brings it up just pass: "I would rather not talk about that now" or "That isn't the way I remember it" or any one of those hundreds weasel cliches.
I have done worse than that myself!
posted by bukvich at 12:54 PM on December 24, 2009
I have done worse than that myself!
posted by bukvich at 12:54 PM on December 24, 2009
Take some comfort in the fact that you're having a hard time with this because it's completely out of character for you. As others have said, own it. But I would add...isolate it too. This is a crazy night, and it doesn't have to bleed into the rest of your life or your evaluation of yourself. Also, find some comfort in other's horror stories of the stupid crap they've done.
Your best options for damage control will become clearer once you reconcile the emotional toll of this event. You may even find there's not a whole lot to do other than resolve the internal struggle. I'd start there and work your way out.
Also, recognize that you're probably still hungover. This effects everybody differently. I know that when I drink, I'm always in for the next day of cringing and introspective self-loathing. Usually I feel physically fine, but the alcohol messes up my brain chemistry in a non-fun way. Point is, you might feel slightly better about all this and think clearer tomorrow. Drink lots of water, it really does help.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:04 PM on December 24, 2009
Your best options for damage control will become clearer once you reconcile the emotional toll of this event. You may even find there's not a whole lot to do other than resolve the internal struggle. I'd start there and work your way out.
Also, recognize that you're probably still hungover. This effects everybody differently. I know that when I drink, I'm always in for the next day of cringing and introspective self-loathing. Usually I feel physically fine, but the alcohol messes up my brain chemistry in a non-fun way. Point is, you might feel slightly better about all this and think clearer tomorrow. Drink lots of water, it really does help.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:04 PM on December 24, 2009
Sorry, I didn't mean sending out the worst pictures, just the funniest ones and only to the people who can/will appreciate it, if there are any. If it is a conservative community, well then, that's a completely different story.
Also, I've found, just like in high school, that the more you try and play it down, deny it, force it to go away, the worse it will be hence the "own it" suggestion. If it was a fun time and as long as no one was hurt, I see absolutely no problem with what may, or may not, have gone on (of course this is not taking into consideration any ramifications it might have with your work).
posted by TheBones at 1:09 PM on December 24, 2009
Also, I've found, just like in high school, that the more you try and play it down, deny it, force it to go away, the worse it will be hence the "own it" suggestion. If it was a fun time and as long as no one was hurt, I see absolutely no problem with what may, or may not, have gone on (of course this is not taking into consideration any ramifications it might have with your work).
posted by TheBones at 1:09 PM on December 24, 2009
Don't bring it up yourself, but if someone does say something, put a humorous spin on it: "Yeah, for some reason I thought it was 1969. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida does that to me" (adjust for your own personality/situation/experiences/musical taste). Your email address suggests that you can pull this off reasonably well.
Look, we're surrounded by entire generations of people who do this stuff on purpose and proudly post it. You can't unring this bell, but there's no need to be unduly embarrassed. Live your life.
posted by sageleaf at 1:17 PM on December 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
Look, we're surrounded by entire generations of people who do this stuff on purpose and proudly post it. You can't unring this bell, but there's no need to be unduly embarrassed. Live your life.
posted by sageleaf at 1:17 PM on December 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
I really, really feel for you. I am so sorry this happened. (I also stopped drinking, for a number of reasons - among them, I am spectacularly bad at it.) My experience with this tells me that you should contact everyone, begining with the people closest to you, and aplogise immediately. If this is truly as out of character for you as it seems, you can always try "I so rarely drink and I had no idea my thyroid medication would effect me that way. I'm absolutely mortified and so sorry you had to experience that."
Approaching all these people brings them on-side and minimises the gossip, and the sooner you do it the less difficult it will be. Trust me. Really.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:22 PM on December 24, 2009
Approaching all these people brings them on-side and minimises the gossip, and the sooner you do it the less difficult it will be. Trust me. Really.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:22 PM on December 24, 2009
"Apparently I had a great time!"
posted by rhizome at 1:32 PM on December 24, 2009 [12 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 1:32 PM on December 24, 2009 [12 favorites]
As someone for whom this has happened to ....more than once, it helps to realize almost everyone has a wild-n-crazy episode - you didn't something dumb, we've done something done, and if no property was destroyed and no feelings super-hurt, then ignore it and move on. 9 times out of 10 you're being harder on yourself then other people are.
posted by The Whelk at 1:41 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 1:41 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
and if this was at a Holiday event- you get a little extra leeway- Saturnalia and all that. People are much more forgiving of Holiday-induced crazypants.
posted by The Whelk at 1:43 PM on December 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 1:43 PM on December 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm with everyone on the "own it." However, I would perhaps mention something to the friend that brought you -- tell this person that you are very sorry if you were over the top that you never drink and you really aren't usually this wild and that you hope they don't think less of you. Next time, give yourself an hour to slowly sip your first drink of the night -- unless you're roofied you'll be able to get a better sense of your tolerance which it sounds like you've lost sight of.
Also, do you know the guys with pictures? I think those are the only other guys I'd talk to -- if you know them, it might be best to grovel and say, hey guys? Please, please delete those pictures and don't send them to anyone. That's so out of character for me and I would be mortified if they got out.
Don't worry about anyone else. Next time you're out drinking, take it way slow and you can always make a joke -- "Yeah, I'm takin' it easy tonight... gonna try to keep my top on."
posted by amanda at 2:18 PM on December 24, 2009
Also, do you know the guys with pictures? I think those are the only other guys I'd talk to -- if you know them, it might be best to grovel and say, hey guys? Please, please delete those pictures and don't send them to anyone. That's so out of character for me and I would be mortified if they got out.
Don't worry about anyone else. Next time you're out drinking, take it way slow and you can always make a joke -- "Yeah, I'm takin' it easy tonight... gonna try to keep my top on."
posted by amanda at 2:18 PM on December 24, 2009
as a recovering alcoholic aging wild hippie chick, i'm in the 'own it, don't flaunt it' camp. and please, please, whatever you do, don't let it own you. there were SO many times when i wished the earth would just open up & swallow me whole so i'd never ever have to deal with 'that night' again. what a waste of time, and what an emotional drain.
'i'm mortified & i'm reminded of why i only drink once every 20 years,' is all the explanation anyone needs.
posted by msconduct at 2:22 PM on December 24, 2009 [13 favorites]
'i'm mortified & i'm reminded of why i only drink once every 20 years,' is all the explanation anyone needs.
posted by msconduct at 2:22 PM on December 24, 2009 [13 favorites]
Yikes! As a 52-year old woman I can understand your embarrassment. I would just try to ignore it. Be a pillar of virtue and good taste. If anyone brings it up, you might say "well, we all live and learn" and drop it. Do not continue to talk about it or explain. Don't feed it! Try not to be too embarrassed, some people feed off this and they will enjoy your unease.
I might suggest though, don't do this again. Don't even have one drink! If you are out with friends, just get something that looks like a drink. Don't explain. Just order a virgin whatever. Do not let people force you into drinking. If they bug you, ignore them. Generally, as I get older I realize that people need to stop letting other people dictate their behavior for the worse. Whether it is eating, drinking, drugs, or whatever, it is your body, you own it.
posted by fifilaru at 2:24 PM on December 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
I might suggest though, don't do this again. Don't even have one drink! If you are out with friends, just get something that looks like a drink. Don't explain. Just order a virgin whatever. Do not let people force you into drinking. If they bug you, ignore them. Generally, as I get older I realize that people need to stop letting other people dictate their behavior for the worse. Whether it is eating, drinking, drugs, or whatever, it is your body, you own it.
posted by fifilaru at 2:24 PM on December 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
"That was not my finest hour." "I'm so glad I didn't drive, because I certainly can't hold even a few drinks!" "I'm awfully embarrassed, and I'm glad that the only harm I caused was to my pride." "I'm trying to forget that night, because I certainly acted foolishly." "I guess I'm still old enough to learn some embarrassing lessons!"
Good for you, by the way, that the only harm was to your pride. Lots of people make poor choices while under the influence that do harm others, as you know from your own experience.
When you live in a small town, it's your turn on the gossip griddle for a while, and then it's someone else's turn. This, too, shall pass.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:28 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Good for you, by the way, that the only harm was to your pride. Lots of people make poor choices while under the influence that do harm others, as you know from your own experience.
When you live in a small town, it's your turn on the gossip griddle for a while, and then it's someone else's turn. This, too, shall pass.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:28 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
People are not thinking about you as much as you worry that they are. They are too busy worrying about what other people are thinking about them.
It will blow over and most people will forget it. If anyone brings it up, just shrug it off. Anyone truly out to "get" you will be looking for a reaction that indicates that you're bothered -- so don't know you're bothered. Don't make a big deal of it and act mildly surprised if anyone else makes a big deal of it -- that it's their problem, not yours. Projecting confidence goes a long, long way.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:40 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
It will blow over and most people will forget it. If anyone brings it up, just shrug it off. Anyone truly out to "get" you will be looking for a reaction that indicates that you're bothered -- so don't know you're bothered. Don't make a big deal of it and act mildly surprised if anyone else makes a big deal of it -- that it's their problem, not yours. Projecting confidence goes a long, long way.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:40 PM on December 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Apologize, then put it behind you. By that, I don't mean forget it, because you never will. I mean accept the fact, as best you can, that you did some very regrettable things while drunk, and resolve not to let it happen again. Carrying the weight of regret is an important (if unfortunate) part of being a good person.
And I'm speaking as someone who has been in your situation.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:23 PM on December 24, 2009
And I'm speaking as someone who has been in your situation.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:23 PM on December 24, 2009
There's no reason to apologize - you didn't hurt anybody. Leave it. If someone says something, laugh it off, and as others have said, "own it".
posted by Evangeline at 4:33 PM on December 24, 2009
posted by Evangeline at 4:33 PM on December 24, 2009
The worst thing you can do is act embarrassed about it. You did it and you enjoyed it. So?
People who would look down on you for this will whether or not you apologize or feel bad for it, so don't bother.
Or, I know a couple of bars where...
posted by cmoj at 5:56 PM on December 24, 2009
People who would look down on you for this will whether or not you apologize or feel bad for it, so don't bother.
Or, I know a couple of bars where...
posted by cmoj at 5:56 PM on December 24, 2009
Yeah, forget about it. If some asshat brings it up, just say "This is why I don't drink."
posted by Rykey at 7:44 PM on December 24, 2009
posted by Rykey at 7:44 PM on December 24, 2009
If things were that wild, the people with you were probably as wasted as you were and are embarrassed about things they did. Just pretend it didn't happen.
posted by twblalock at 11:19 PM on December 24, 2009
posted by twblalock at 11:19 PM on December 24, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TheBones at 12:11 PM on December 24, 2009