How to avoid the "just kidding, we're not pregnant anymore ..."

December 23, 2009 3:24 PM

How long does a couple usually wait before announcing a pregnancy? My cousin's wife just miscarried after announcing the pregnancy about a month ago (she was just under 2 months along at the time). It is my understanding that until the third month or so it's not a sure deal as to whether the baby will stick, if you will. Cousin says he deeply regrets telling people now (he went so far as to announce his to-be daddy-ness on facebook) since he'll have to announce the miscarriage now too. Is there a social norm for how long to wait before telling the world?
posted by kthxbi to Society & Culture (24 answers total)

Best answer: Three months is the usual number I've seen bandied about, but it's not even close to universally observed - a lot of people are just too excited to hold it in, and announce the instant they hear about it. For those aware of the miscarriage rate and hoping to avoid this scenario, it's generally three months.
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:29 PM on December 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

A friend of mine got pregnant recently and only told me because we're so close. She said that she had similar worries and that she wasn't planning on telling anyone until she was obviously starting to show. No expert on pregnancies here, but that's 3-4 months?
posted by reticulatedspline at 3:30 PM on December 23, 2009

Best answer: It's not unusual, if this is a first pregnancy, to be too excited to keep the news to yourself. We actually waited until 15 week with our first, and then I lost the baby the next week. No social norm per se, but generally 12-ish weeks is considered a safe amount of time to wait.
posted by anastasiav at 3:35 PM on December 23, 2009

. It is my understanding that until the third month or so it's not a sure deal as to whether the baby will stick

It's not a "sure deal" at any point of the pregnancy, although I'll certainly allow that the odds go up the closer the pregnancy gets to full term.
posted by deadmessenger at 3:36 PM on December 23, 2009

Response by poster: @deadmessenger well yes, obviously it's possible to lose the baby at anytime, but afaik the chances of losing it diminish significantly after month 3
posted by kthxbi at 3:38 PM on December 23, 2009

Best answer: Most books tell you to wait until you are past the 12 week mark, in other words out of the first trimester. At 12 weeks the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically.

That said, some people tell earlier. My first pregnancy we told immediate family as soon as we found out, announced to our friends and extended family after 12 weeks, and we told my work when I started wearing maternity clothes. I had a really difficult pregnancy with my second, and I needed to give my work a reason for all the sick days. So I ended up letting them know really early. My last pregnancy we didn't even tell immediate family until after the 12 week mark because we were worried about the pregnancy and we didn't want to have to explain if I lost the baby.

If this was their first pregnancy, I can see how they would be super excited to let everyone in on their news. Keeping it quiet is hard, and until they have a reason to think otherwise a lot of women will just assume that they will stay pregnant.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:39 PM on December 23, 2009

first trimester, as everyone has said, is the norm.

however, everyone deals with news like this differently. i wouldn't bring this up to him. he's going through enough without reinforcing his idea that he should have waited to spill the beans.
posted by nadawi at 3:42 PM on December 23, 2009

Response by poster: @nadawi oh yeah I'm not going to say anything at all ... I was just curious
posted by kthxbi at 3:43 PM on December 23, 2009

Best answer: I think the 3 months thing is a poorly observed social norm, in the sense that people almost always tell those close to them before that. But it is probably not a bad idea to hold off until after the 3 month mark to go public on the internets.

My first pregnancy I told people about pretty much as soon as I found about (7-8 weeks). I had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. This was in the pre-facebook days, so "people" meant my close family and a few coworkers. Dealing with the miscarriage, I found their understanding and support invaluable. For me, having to deal with the miscarriage if no one had known about the pregnancy would have been really tough. Because of this, I told people again about as soon as I knew about the next pregnancy - which resulted in a healthy baby girl.
posted by jeoc at 3:46 PM on December 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

First I wish to say that I am so sorry for your cousin's loss, as well as yours. I wish his wife a speedy physical recovery and hope that both of them find peace emotionally.

The chances of losing the pregnancy do significantly decrease after 12 weeks, and because things are especially uncertain up until then is why many practitioners don't schedule the first prenatal until at least 8 weeks. I had my first prenatals at 9 and 10 weeks as I was considering two providers.

As for telling people --- it's very individual. My family doctor who confirmed the pregnancy and recommended practitioners for prenatal care (she didn't do obstetrics, sadly) told me to keep my mouth shut until 10 weeks, using those words (don't worry, she's very friendly!). I made it to 6 weeks before I burst to family and I told one person at work in case some type of emergency happened.

For me, I think, I would have liked the support of people having already known if I had miscarried, but then it was only family who knew at 6 weeks and we broke it to friends at around 10 weeks. Others prefer to do otherwise. While your cousin may regret breaking the news this early, others who have done so and who have experienced an early loss may not have. How someone reacts to a miscarriage is probably as varied as everything else regarding pregnancy, labor, birth, parenting, and life.

Warmth and peace to any going through this this and any other time of year.
posted by zizzle at 3:51 PM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

We waited three months to tell for the miscarriage reasons above. However, on the 2nd and 3rd, we told our family and really close friends as soon as we heard. We would have told them about the miscarriage anyway for their support so we figured why not telll them straight up about the pregnancy. Co-workers and acquaintances we waited the 3 months each time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:02 PM on December 23, 2009

Best answer: Well, I feel for you cousin, and the question is a good one, but I don't think this is the sort of thing that should be governed by a "social norm." I know you don't mean by that some sort of rigid, absolute, set-in-stone thing, but that's how social norms, especially those having to do with pregnancy, often turn out when they have to do with releasing or withholding secrets. The underlying meaning behind legitimate and worthwhile social norms is, I think, a sensitivity to the well-being of others; it's a social norm, for example, not to scream in the faces of strangers. So the individual's motivation in that case is: "if I do what I'm about to do, will it make people senselessly uncomfortable or hurt them emotionally in any way?" To suggest that there is a "social norm" having to do with when a couple announces a pregnancy is, I think, inadvertently to suggest that the couple should be thinking to themselves: "well, we don't want to offend anybody, so how do we go about doing this?" There are really no social concerns that the couple should be having in that situation, frankly; they should take the factors of their own situation into account and decide based on what's most comfortable to them. No sane person would be offended by the announcement that someone is pregnant - nor would any sane person be offended if it turned out that there was a miscarriage. The decision should be predicated on the practical and personal concerns of the couple in question, not on a social convention.

But this is really more of a semantic concern, I guess; the question is really something more like: "is there a general amount of time that it's a good idea to wait before announcing this kind of thing?" And while I've never been in this situation, it's clear from more informed answers in this thread that there is. Of course, the key is that it's different for everyone; some people are so close to their family that they'd announce it no matter what's going to happen, and of course some people have larger or more difficult families and really don't need the hassle of withdrawing the announcement later on.
posted by koeselitz at 4:08 PM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Three months is the social norm you usually hear about. However, my friends and I spilled the beans after our eight week OB appointment when a heartbeat was confirmed via ultrasound. If you can see that heartbeat the chance of miscarriage drops dramatically.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:15 PM on December 23, 2009

Response by poster: @koeselitz touche ... your version of my question is a better fit for what I meant
posted by kthxbi at 4:18 PM on December 23, 2009

Mrs. Doohickie had a total of 5 miscarriages (along with two successful pregnancies). The first came at about 11 weeks, so we always waited until about 3 months after that.
posted by Doohickie at 4:20 PM on December 23, 2009

I kind of wish it was "okay" socially to announce pregnancies earlier than is commonly done. It would really make it easier on all women who suffer through this horrible experience to not feel like it's something to hide from and keep secret. I really hope you do offer your condolences to your cousin and his wife. They may need your support right now. Plenty of women have miscarriages and it's not something to be ashamed of.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 4:54 PM on December 23, 2009 [11 favorites]

The conventional wisdom (at least in the US) on this is to wait until there's a positive, everything's-OK result from the 12-week exam.

And while I sympathize with otherworldlyglow, my understanding of this (having just gone through it) is not to hide a possible miscarriage out of shame, but to save yourself from having to discuss it with people you don't know well. For instance, if you tell the whole office "We're pregnant!" as soon as you find out, you put yourself in the awkward position of having to have a fairly wrought emotional interface with your co-workers when they ask a few weeks later how the pregnancy is going. I don't know about you, but I don't care to discuss personal medical events with any of my co-workers.

So the rule my wife and I followed was not to tell anyone whom you wouldn't also discuss a miscarriage with. We told parents and very close friends in the first two months, but waited until after the 12 week to go fully public.
posted by blapst at 5:25 PM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

To suggest that there is a "social norm" having to do with when a couple announces a pregnancy is, I think, inadvertently to suggest that the couple should be thinking to themselves: "well, we don't want to offend anybody, so how do we go about doing this?"

Social norms evolve for many reasons. Sure, some exist to smooth social interaction, but this one is truly because, as blapst noted, it can be really really difficult to have the same conversation over and over with stranger or acquaintances (and sometimes even friends.) It's not shame, it's just how different people deal with grief - some tell everyone, and some keep it very close.
posted by canine epigram at 5:31 PM on December 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

We planned with both kids to not tell anyone until after 12 weeks, but because I was so wretchedly ill beginning at about 6 weeks with both, there was really no way to hide it (especially with my first, when my boss caught me puking in my trash can one afternoon). So people in our day-to-day lives found out pretty early on, but we didn't make the big "hey everyone, I'm pregnant!" sort of announcement until closer to the end of my first trimester.

Generally, the people I wanted to know earliest were the ones I'd want to have around to support me if I did miscarry, for the reasons otherwordlyglow touched on earlier.

kthxbi, offer condolences, please don't go down the path of "maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll have another pregnancy soon!", and offer whatever support your family members may need.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 5:41 PM on December 23, 2009

I have gone through this and my heart goes out to your cousin and your cousin's wife. You absolutely should send your condolences. It will mean a lot to them.

The thing about telling people is that there is just a natural instinct to share with everyone when you have such wonderful news as a pregnancy, particularly the first one. You see everyone doing it all the time and it just seems like it is ok to do it.

What I learned - the hard way - is that if something does go wrong and you have told a lot of people you have to untell them as well lest you get a nasty surprise several months down when they ask how the baby is. That really tempered what we did later on.

Ultimately, I think it is really up to the individual couple as to who they want to tell and when. They will know when they feel comfortable - and social norms or not should have no play in dictating when that happens.
posted by Leezie at 7:09 PM on December 23, 2009

Close friends, family, and potential daycares get told right away. If you think you might want to take some time off work around the expected due date, then you may have to tell someone at your workplace as well, depending on how flexible they are for vacations. Other than that, three months seems to be standard.
posted by Chuckles McLaughy du Haha, the depressed clown at 8:16 PM on December 23, 2009

My first pregnancy, I told people around 10 weeks, and miscarried at 13. My second pregnancy, I waited until 13 weeks to tell people, but was showing a chunk before that.
posted by leahwrenn at 8:46 PM on December 23, 2009

As a reflection on Koselitz:
The function of the social norm is not so much on whether the parents tell or not, but how other people spread the news.
Ie you don't ask someone if they're pregnant. Besides the terrible likelihood of you being wrong, them having a big belly etc, there's the fact that if someone is worrying about whether a pregnancy will come to term, they have no obligation to tell you they are pregnant, and you trying to confirm that is rude and badgering.
For the same reason, if close friends and family are told before the 3 month mark, there is *often* an expectation that they will not spread the word until further notice.

One woman I know, traumatized by a severely horrible miscarriage, dropped a friend entirely, after telling them she was pregnant again, and she assumed it was in confidence, and the friend didn't realise, and happily announced the news to everyone.
No kidding, the to-be-mother cut off nearly all contact, and felt deeply betrayed and violated to have had such personal knowledge spread. Now, it seems a little overblown from my perspective - but I entirely support her feelings on the matter, and her validity to feel that way. And, she told me about the miscarriage, and god, as it nearly gave me *nightmares*, I'm not surprised she was sensitive and traumatized about it.

So - parents? Tell whenever you want, but go look at those miscarrriage over time graphs, and decide how you feel about the risk/what you would do.
Everyone else? Leave the parents along and follow along with whatever wishes they have made explicit. Not sure? Ask.
posted by Elysum at 7:20 AM on December 24, 2009

Its surprising to me that many people don't know how common miscarriage is...probably due partly to the secrecy that otherworldlyglow mentioned. But, medical people have told me that many women have misscarriages without even knowing (when they don't know they are pregnant).

I think a big part of the hesitancy to tell people before 3 months is related to expectations. If you announce before then, when risk of losing the pregnancy is greater, and things don't go well, you will have to explain and discuss the miscarriage. But, even more difficult to me would be the expectations that go with making something public. Keeping it close to home and with a few close people, I would be better at managing my expectations. The more it was out in the world, the more things get "big" and planned, as if they are sure things.
posted by hazel at 9:00 AM on December 24, 2009