Relationship over. I can't move, heal..
December 7, 2009 1:27 PM Subscribe
Had good reasons for breakup. Then a reconciliation. And then...
(Only those who can't turn away from gawking at a bloody traffic accidents need read on...)
One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.
We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.
I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.
I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.
Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.
We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.
We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.
I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.
Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.
She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.
I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.
I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.
No blue + or red -.
Simple English.
It reads: "Pregnant"
Everything explodes.
I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.
The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.
Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.
Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.
The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.
I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)
After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.
Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.
Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.
The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.
She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.
A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.
He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.
I know this.
I know this.
I hate this.
Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?
One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.
We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.
I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.
I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.
Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.
We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.
We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.
I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.
Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.
She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.
I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.
I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.
No blue + or red -.
Simple English.
It reads: "Pregnant"
Everything explodes.
I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.
The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.
Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.
Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.
The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.
I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)
After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.
Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.
Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.
The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.
She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.
A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.
He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.
I know this.
I know this.
I hate this.
Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?
This is very heartbreaking to read and I hope you find peace.
Can you lean on a good friend or two for the next few weeks? You sound like you need human comfort. Lots.
(And I will add a therapist might really, really help you right now.)
So sorry.
posted by kiwi-epitome at 1:33 PM on December 7, 2009
Can you lean on a good friend or two for the next few weeks? You sound like you need human comfort. Lots.
(And I will add a therapist might really, really help you right now.)
So sorry.
posted by kiwi-epitome at 1:33 PM on December 7, 2009
The other guy is even older than you, and he seems to have found a situation he likes. However, I think that, with time, you'll see that you're much better off without this person. Even just your brief description sends several red flags right straight up. Whether you realize it or not, you've dodged a bullet.
Do something simple and relaxing for yourself. No more roller coasters or traffic accidents.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:36 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
Do something simple and relaxing for yourself. No more roller coasters or traffic accidents.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:36 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure what the question is, but...
They say time heals all wounds. It's not entirely true, but it makes most wounds hurt less and it usually distracts you. You'll get over this the further away from it you move.
Find someone you can talk to. Don't keep it bottled in. Your narrative here is a first step.
posted by inturnaround at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
They say time heals all wounds. It's not entirely true, but it makes most wounds hurt less and it usually distracts you. You'll get over this the further away from it you move.
Find someone you can talk to. Don't keep it bottled in. Your narrative here is a first step.
posted by inturnaround at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You say "Took me 42 years to find her." Another view: it took you 42 years to learn what commitment means. Now you know. It will be a while before you're ready to try again, but then you'll really be ready.
posted by amtho at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2009 [21 favorites]
posted by amtho at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2009 [21 favorites]
You don't know it yet, but you're Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix right now. Breathe a good sigh of relief, because you got out by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin. I know you love her, but that girl's got issues.
And now that you've really realized what it means to give yourself to a relationship and a woman, know that it'll be way easier to do it next time. And there will be a next time.
posted by incessant at 1:39 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
And now that you've really realized what it means to give yourself to a relationship and a woman, know that it'll be way easier to do it next time. And there will be a next time.
posted by incessant at 1:39 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
While I understand that you had a deep connection with her, it sounds more like you want someone to fill a hole in your life and in your house, and she happens to be on your mind a lot.
In which case, go sleep with ten other women.
posted by trevyn at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
In which case, go sleep with ten other women.
posted by trevyn at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
I agree with above comments. That woman made some really awful decisions for herself, her son, and you. She had unprotected sex with a man she had known for a month (or maybe less, depending on when they first slept together), possibly exposing herself and YOU to sexually transmitted infections. To me, that's irresponsible and unacceptable. I think it's best to move on from this "rollercoaster" as you put it, though it might not be easy.
I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again.
And I hope you don't. I hope the next time you fall in love, it's with someone who will treat you in a way you deserve; who will respect you enough not to act the way she did towards you.
posted by too bad you're not me at 1:41 PM on December 7, 2009 [13 favorites]
I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again.
And I hope you don't. I hope the next time you fall in love, it's with someone who will treat you in a way you deserve; who will respect you enough not to act the way she did towards you.
posted by too bad you're not me at 1:41 PM on December 7, 2009 [13 favorites]
Your heart cannot be argued with. So don't argue with it. You have a large amount of pain to work through. Just accept the pain, don't try to argue with it, don't try and tell yourself it was the right or wrong thing to do. Just fully, and I mean fully, experience the pain.
Once you get to the other side and the pain has been experienced, your mind will see the reality of this. It was never to be and you made the right decision. Until then, don't try to examine it that closely. Just live the heartbreak.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:41 PM on December 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
Once you get to the other side and the pain has been experienced, your mind will see the reality of this. It was never to be and you made the right decision. Until then, don't try to examine it that closely. Just live the heartbreak.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:41 PM on December 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby...
She chose anything and everything else over you. Additional contact with someone this selfish, cruel, and deluded is going to reduce you as a person. Walk, run, move across town if you have to, but get away for keeps before you forget what you had before you ever met this woman.
posted by hermitosis at 1:42 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
She chose anything and everything else over you. Additional contact with someone this selfish, cruel, and deluded is going to reduce you as a person. Walk, run, move across town if you have to, but get away for keeps before you forget what you had before you ever met this woman.
posted by hermitosis at 1:42 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
I broke up with a girl after a year-long relationship in January. She has a 2-yr-old kid. We had three break-ups and reconciliations (involving other men, and talk of marriage, and drama) before calling it off for good.
I stopped missing the drama immediately.
I stopped missing her after 6 months.
I stopped missing the kid after 8 months.
I attribute my healing to a very firm resolution to make no contact, to focus on being good to myself, and in time to start dating again.
Good luck.
posted by Conductor71 at 1:42 PM on December 7, 2009 [9 favorites]
I stopped missing the drama immediately.
I stopped missing her after 6 months.
I stopped missing the kid after 8 months.
I attribute my healing to a very firm resolution to make no contact, to focus on being good to myself, and in time to start dating again.
Good luck.
posted by Conductor71 at 1:42 PM on December 7, 2009 [9 favorites]
How can you possibly think that she truly loves and respects you after having unprotected sex with another man in two different episodes over the course of less than a month? Dude, that pregnancy is the luckiest thing that has happened in this whole scenario, because YOU GOT OUT.
Christ, you could land a jumbo jet on an aircraft carrier in a blizzard in complete darkness with all the red flags she's waving...
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:44 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
Christ, you could land a jumbo jet on an aircraft carrier in a blizzard in complete darkness with all the red flags she's waving...
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:44 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again.
There is this romantic idea of love, where everyone has their one and only soulmate and life is a journey where you look for that one person. I don't believe in that - we as people are so nuanced; different people bring out different sides of us and we respond differently; we grow and change over time and enjoy different aspects of the infinite differences in people's characters. With what you have learned from this relationship, you will probably see and appreciate so many new sides of different people you know or will meet in the future.
Breakups are really hard, and one like this that is full of so much emotional rollercoaster riding must be among the hardest. But PLEASE try to stop torturing yourself with the idea of "The One." When you are ready, after some healing time, there will be others.
posted by bunnycup at 1:47 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
There is this romantic idea of love, where everyone has their one and only soulmate and life is a journey where you look for that one person. I don't believe in that - we as people are so nuanced; different people bring out different sides of us and we respond differently; we grow and change over time and enjoy different aspects of the infinite differences in people's characters. With what you have learned from this relationship, you will probably see and appreciate so many new sides of different people you know or will meet in the future.
Breakups are really hard, and one like this that is full of so much emotional rollercoaster riding must be among the hardest. But PLEASE try to stop torturing yourself with the idea of "The One." When you are ready, after some healing time, there will be others.
posted by bunnycup at 1:47 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts. He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.
Are you dating someone out of a Bollywood movie? Don't let your sadness dull your "This is Bullshit" filter. This is bullshit! Remember that when she tries to reconcile with you again. Because she will, she DEFINITELY will. Be strong! You can do it. In the meantime, does she really live across the street? If I were you, I'd move.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:47 PM on December 7, 2009 [7 favorites]
Are you dating someone out of a Bollywood movie? Don't let your sadness dull your "This is Bullshit" filter. This is bullshit! Remember that when she tries to reconcile with you again. Because she will, she DEFINITELY will. Be strong! You can do it. In the meantime, does she really live across the street? If I were you, I'd move.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:47 PM on December 7, 2009 [7 favorites]
Best answer: She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him.
If she's capable of convincingly lying to him about her feelings, why would you doubt that she's also capable of duping you? Anytime you think you can see the person underneath all her nonsense, remind yourself of this other fellow -- I bet he thinks the same thing.
posted by hermitosis at 2:00 PM on December 7, 2009 [7 favorites]
If she's capable of convincingly lying to him about her feelings, why would you doubt that she's also capable of duping you? Anytime you think you can see the person underneath all her nonsense, remind yourself of this other fellow -- I bet he thinks the same thing.
posted by hermitosis at 2:00 PM on December 7, 2009 [7 favorites]
She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.
Despite being in a lot of pain, you don't sound like you regret your decision. So don't beat yourself up or second-guess yourself. You did fine. I think you'll probably be happier in the long run if you keep taking the high road about her decision, too.
Push through the next couple of weeks, keep yourself busy, start a project or volunteer or do something that you can throw yourself into until the wound isn't so raw. It gets easier after that.
I guess some of the responders in this thread want to comfort you or maybe are thinking of their own past relationships, but the vitriol toward your ex for having sex with someone else after you broke up with her is a little harshly judgmental. (We don't know, for instance, that their STD status was an unknown.)
posted by desuetude at 2:01 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Despite being in a lot of pain, you don't sound like you regret your decision. So don't beat yourself up or second-guess yourself. You did fine. I think you'll probably be happier in the long run if you keep taking the high road about her decision, too.
Push through the next couple of weeks, keep yourself busy, start a project or volunteer or do something that you can throw yourself into until the wound isn't so raw. It gets easier after that.
I guess some of the responders in this thread want to comfort you or maybe are thinking of their own past relationships, but the vitriol toward your ex for having sex with someone else after you broke up with her is a little harshly judgmental. (We don't know, for instance, that their STD status was an unknown.)
posted by desuetude at 2:01 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
It may have taken you 42 years to find her, but it only took 1 year with her to find out what you really want in your next relationship: someone who is honest and honorable enough to be genuinely worthy of your trust and commitment. She's not.
I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again.
That's what you fear. But fear of something does not mean that it's a fact. Remember: everyone who's ever had their heart broken has feared not finding love again. Everyone is pretty much wrong.
Also, as others have said: try to jettison the idea of "The One" -- it's A) fiction, and B) torture in this state of mind, anyway. Or if you must believe in "The One," think of it as describing a relationship, not an individual person -- a relationship in which real trust, honor, commitment, intimacy, and support are as abundant as the chemistry and romance you felt in bed that night that you discussed marriage.
The thing to understand is that your ex was incapable of giving you that. People show us who they are. Your ex has shown you that she wasn't "The One."
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's going to hurt for awhile. It will suck. Lean on your support system and be very gentle and good to yourself while you grieve and, eventually, start healing.
posted by scody at 2:04 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again.
That's what you fear. But fear of something does not mean that it's a fact. Remember: everyone who's ever had their heart broken has feared not finding love again. Everyone is pretty much wrong.
Also, as others have said: try to jettison the idea of "The One" -- it's A) fiction, and B) torture in this state of mind, anyway. Or if you must believe in "The One," think of it as describing a relationship, not an individual person -- a relationship in which real trust, honor, commitment, intimacy, and support are as abundant as the chemistry and romance you felt in bed that night that you discussed marriage.
The thing to understand is that your ex was incapable of giving you that. People show us who they are. Your ex has shown you that she wasn't "The One."
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's going to hurt for awhile. It will suck. Lean on your support system and be very gentle and good to yourself while you grieve and, eventually, start healing.
posted by scody at 2:04 PM on December 7, 2009 [6 favorites]
After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him.
She moved across the street from you? WTF?
Also, where is her son when she's gone all night?
Holy crap, you dodged a bullet. This is nothing but insane non-stop drama rollercoaster craziness. My heart breaks for her children--she sounds like Jeanette Walls's and Augusten Burroughs's mom rolled into one.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:05 PM on December 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
She moved across the street from you? WTF?
Also, where is her son when she's gone all night?
Holy crap, you dodged a bullet. This is nothing but insane non-stop drama rollercoaster craziness. My heart breaks for her children--she sounds like Jeanette Walls's and Augusten Burroughs's mom rolled into one.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:05 PM on December 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
Aside from the whole 'lives across the street thing', sounds like nothing a little time and distraction won't cure. You just need to move.
posted by mannequito at 2:07 PM on December 7, 2009
posted by mannequito at 2:07 PM on December 7, 2009
Is it possible to move? That will be a project that will keep you busy, and then you won't be tempted to look and see where her car is.
posted by amethysts at 2:08 PM on December 7, 2009
posted by amethysts at 2:08 PM on December 7, 2009
May I be a very wet blanket? Unless you are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure you could not possibly be responsible for her current pregnancy, you might want to consider a paternity test. (The timing seems concerning, and she could have already known she was pregnant.)
If you are the father, I would think you'd want to know now, and not 10 years from now when she decides to apply for some type of public assistance and the state comes after you for a decade of back child support.
posted by peep at 2:30 PM on December 7, 2009 [13 favorites]
If you are the father, I would think you'd want to know now, and not 10 years from now when she decides to apply for some type of public assistance and the state comes after you for a decade of back child support.
posted by peep at 2:30 PM on December 7, 2009 [13 favorites]
Mod note: added question to end of post, carry on.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:49 PM on December 7, 2009
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:49 PM on December 7, 2009
One thing I learned in my 20s (and I'm almost as old as you) is that there is someone out there with all the qualities you like about this person and many fewer of their problems. Always. I agree with the others that you dodged a bullet here.
Also: get a cat or dog or something to help fill the house when you're alone. They're practically free down at the shelter.
posted by rhizome at 2:53 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also: get a cat or dog or something to help fill the house when you're alone. They're practically free down at the shelter.
posted by rhizome at 2:53 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Seconding that paternity test.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:05 PM on December 7, 2009
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:05 PM on December 7, 2009
Thirding the paternity test, then start: a social hobby, volunteering, or raising an animal. Do something to get yourself with warm bodies again, far away from this madness.
Also, moving across the street is really fucking weird. Pull the band-aid off and get out of Dodge.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:12 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, moving across the street is really fucking weird. Pull the band-aid off and get out of Dodge.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:12 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Find a new place to live ASAP and be happy that you dodged a serious bullet with this one.
You'll be fine. Really.
posted by drstein at 3:32 PM on December 7, 2009
You'll be fine. Really.
posted by drstein at 3:32 PM on December 7, 2009
Best answer: That woman made some really awful decisions for herself, her son, and you. She had unprotected sex with a man she had known for a month (or maybe less, depending on when they first slept together), possibly exposing herself and YOU to sexually transmitted infections.
The OP ended the relationship and gave his reasons for doing so. She's allowed to have any sex she wants after a break up, knowing the guy 'for a month or not'. If the OP has a change of heart and wants her back, how is this her 'awful decision'? And why is her personal exposure to STDs etc something she somehow did to him in those six weeks when he didn't want her?
I guess some of the responders in this thread want to comfort you or maybe are thinking of their own past relationships, but the vitriol toward your ex for having sex with someone else after you broke up with her is a little harshly judgmental. (We don't know, for instance, that their STD status was an unknown.)
Thank YOU Desuetude. Sleeping with someone after you've left a one year relationship doesn't deserve the kind of censure she's getting here. [Look at some of the advice here to the OP to go get laid] She didn't get herself pregnant to spite her ex, this shit happens. And as to whether her new relationship is doomed, that is not for us to say. I'm of the camp that if the OP learned something from his time with her, she's just as likely to have learned something too.
She's been honest with the OP - yes, there was another lover since we ended; yes, we had unprotected sex; yes, I will have a pregnancy test [imagine how this might have panned out not having that test]; yes, I understand you don't want to raise another child that isn't your biological issue; no, I can't countenance an abortion or adoption for your sake; yes, I will always have a place in my heart for you but I am going to give this new man a chance. [And at six weeks knowledge of him, it seems to me prudent that she doesn't declare undying love and waits to see how it goes]
I think the first step to standing up and get on with life, is to accept that decisions we make. You have chosen to leave the relationship - for defensible reasons, but there is no point listening to people who want you to channel your grief about the loss of this person into anger at her. You are feeling grief, self pity, doubt, misery right now, we know what that is like - it's fucking awful - but it WILL get better. Especially if you move away from such prompts to sadness and anger as living across the road from your ex. That is probably the only really questionable thing I find about the gal's behaviour post break-up.
posted by honey-barbara at 4:16 PM on December 7, 2009 [9 favorites]
The OP ended the relationship and gave his reasons for doing so. She's allowed to have any sex she wants after a break up, knowing the guy 'for a month or not'. If the OP has a change of heart and wants her back, how is this her 'awful decision'? And why is her personal exposure to STDs etc something she somehow did to him in those six weeks when he didn't want her?
I guess some of the responders in this thread want to comfort you or maybe are thinking of their own past relationships, but the vitriol toward your ex for having sex with someone else after you broke up with her is a little harshly judgmental. (We don't know, for instance, that their STD status was an unknown.)
Thank YOU Desuetude. Sleeping with someone after you've left a one year relationship doesn't deserve the kind of censure she's getting here. [Look at some of the advice here to the OP to go get laid] She didn't get herself pregnant to spite her ex, this shit happens. And as to whether her new relationship is doomed, that is not for us to say. I'm of the camp that if the OP learned something from his time with her, she's just as likely to have learned something too.
She's been honest with the OP - yes, there was another lover since we ended; yes, we had unprotected sex; yes, I will have a pregnancy test [imagine how this might have panned out not having that test]; yes, I understand you don't want to raise another child that isn't your biological issue; no, I can't countenance an abortion or adoption for your sake; yes, I will always have a place in my heart for you but I am going to give this new man a chance. [And at six weeks knowledge of him, it seems to me prudent that she doesn't declare undying love and waits to see how it goes]
I think the first step to standing up and get on with life, is to accept that decisions we make. You have chosen to leave the relationship - for defensible reasons, but there is no point listening to people who want you to channel your grief about the loss of this person into anger at her. You are feeling grief, self pity, doubt, misery right now, we know what that is like - it's fucking awful - but it WILL get better. Especially if you move away from such prompts to sadness and anger as living across the road from your ex. That is probably the only really questionable thing I find about the gal's behaviour post break-up.
posted by honey-barbara at 4:16 PM on December 7, 2009 [9 favorites]
You're heartbroken and lonely. That is sad for you, but not an urgent matter for her, her son, her partner and the baby to be named later. You made your choices here as did she. Now you need to move on - not for you or her, but for her son. That kid is going through enough without you rambling in and out of his life. Consider your decision to end it absolutely final. Once the decision is final, you have no choice but to move onward with life.
I'm a firm believer that there are some transitional relationships. Relationships that happen because we need to learn something or mature. The fact that a relationship is a transition point doesn't mean it hurts any less. These are the preparation courses for an enduring relationship or marriage or whatever you call it. She was a transition point; you learned a lot about you and about what you want in a partner.
Wish her the best and let go. You decided that you were unwilling to stay with her and her children. She selected her children over a relationship with you. You both picked the best option available. You don't get to blame her any more than she gets to blame you. Stirring up anger at her simply prolongs a painful experience.
Stop looking to see if her car is there and start looking for the partner you want.
posted by 26.2 at 5:08 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
I'm a firm believer that there are some transitional relationships. Relationships that happen because we need to learn something or mature. The fact that a relationship is a transition point doesn't mean it hurts any less. These are the preparation courses for an enduring relationship or marriage or whatever you call it. She was a transition point; you learned a lot about you and about what you want in a partner.
Wish her the best and let go. You decided that you were unwilling to stay with her and her children. She selected her children over a relationship with you. You both picked the best option available. You don't get to blame her any more than she gets to blame you. Stirring up anger at her simply prolongs a painful experience.
Stop looking to see if her car is there and start looking for the partner you want.
posted by 26.2 at 5:08 PM on December 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
Your question is how do you move on? Simple (it really is simple, but painful). Just keep living your life. I know it's painful because you spent so much time envisioning a life with her and the kid. You were ready to make the lifetime commitment. But it's not going to happen.
Let the pain sink in. Don't be afraid to think about the good times and bad, and maybe the "what-ifs" that everyone always tells people not to think about. This is the quickest way to recovery. Acknowledge the pain and the hurt, think about it for a little while, and just keep doing your daily routine. Don't let it get in the way of your life.
I know how you feel. I'm only 28, but I've been married and I had two kids. Only one of my two children are living. After my son's death, my wife and I couldn't take it anymore. It led us to fight and argue about the stupidest things. Eventually, three months after his death, we separated. The next year we made it official and divorced. I know what it's like to commit and plan your life with someone and have a family and then have it all stripped away. (I still see my daughter, but you know what I mean.)
I suppose it's a good thing you asked the community here. It means you're not ignoring it. You're more experienced in life, so I'm sure you understand that the pain, confusion, the roller coaster emotions and everything that comes along with this is natural.
My ex-father-in-law told me time will heal all wounds. It took a long time for me, but it happened. Time will do the same for you. Just don't do anything you'll regret until then.
posted by consilience at 7:27 PM on December 7, 2009
Let the pain sink in. Don't be afraid to think about the good times and bad, and maybe the "what-ifs" that everyone always tells people not to think about. This is the quickest way to recovery. Acknowledge the pain and the hurt, think about it for a little while, and just keep doing your daily routine. Don't let it get in the way of your life.
I know how you feel. I'm only 28, but I've been married and I had two kids. Only one of my two children are living. After my son's death, my wife and I couldn't take it anymore. It led us to fight and argue about the stupidest things. Eventually, three months after his death, we separated. The next year we made it official and divorced. I know what it's like to commit and plan your life with someone and have a family and then have it all stripped away. (I still see my daughter, but you know what I mean.)
I suppose it's a good thing you asked the community here. It means you're not ignoring it. You're more experienced in life, so I'm sure you understand that the pain, confusion, the roller coaster emotions and everything that comes along with this is natural.
My ex-father-in-law told me time will heal all wounds. It took a long time for me, but it happened. Time will do the same for you. Just don't do anything you'll regret until then.
posted by consilience at 7:27 PM on December 7, 2009
It read a bit strange to read where your mind was, things like, I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person, and along came what was/is indeed a huge thing, her pregnancy, and--again, it is a development of titanic proportions--the view becomes, "This option, this option or sayanora."
From that and a general sense of you being at some sharply different points of thinking/feeling in a very short time, a thought there might be value in thinking about the effects of language, finding some balance 'tween your heart and your head.
posted by ambient2 at 8:16 PM on December 7, 2009
From that and a general sense of you being at some sharply different points of thinking/feeling in a very short time, a thought there might be value in thinking about the effects of language, finding some balance 'tween your heart and your head.
posted by ambient2 at 8:16 PM on December 7, 2009
It really hurts now. It really hurts like it will never stop hurting. So bad. Many of us have been there, honestly.
But here I am to tell the tale and so glad I stuck to my decisions and what was right for me. One of life's little heartbreaks.... yes, it now seems little (or, less big), although still without doubt a true and utter break, 3 years later.
Pass time, exercise, meditate, music, friends, whatever.
posted by MiffyCLB at 8:53 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
But here I am to tell the tale and so glad I stuck to my decisions and what was right for me. One of life's little heartbreaks.... yes, it now seems little (or, less big), although still without doubt a true and utter break, 3 years later.
Pass time, exercise, meditate, music, friends, whatever.
posted by MiffyCLB at 8:53 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
This AM was difficult. Writing the post helped. I didn't expect much in the way of replies. But your insights and diverse opinions propped me up. I was better after.
Calling out for help is NOT my m/o-- AT ALL. But there I was. And that's what I did.
You texty-specters became animate today. Thank you.
I bow in your general direction.
posted by iam2bz2p at 11:20 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
This AM was difficult. Writing the post helped. I didn't expect much in the way of replies. But your insights and diverse opinions propped me up. I was better after.
Calling out for help is NOT my m/o-- AT ALL. But there I was. And that's what I did.
You texty-specters became animate today. Thank you.
I bow in your general direction.
posted by iam2bz2p at 11:20 PM on December 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
yah, similar to me. Broke up, ex gave me mixed messages about reconciling, but what I did was never enough, then she said she was happy on her own, next minute she's with someone else (from work). Couldn't deal, I changed workplaces.
No contact with your ex. That works. Out of sight, out of mind. No contact, don't answer e/voice/snailmail, texts, facebook or anything else. She's moved on. Look after your OWN wants, your OWN needs for a while. Busy helps, I know you said you've tried that. Take up dancing. Salsa was what saved me (I'm quite serious, lots of counselling and books helped, but there was nothing like the social contact, physical activity, skill-learning, and sheer joy of salsa to get me out of my blues.)
Finally, your ex, at least, was honest enough to tell you. Consider this a gift, instead of her stringing you along for a few months....
posted by flutable at 1:48 AM on December 8, 2009
No contact with your ex. That works. Out of sight, out of mind. No contact, don't answer e/voice/snailmail, texts, facebook or anything else. She's moved on. Look after your OWN wants, your OWN needs for a while. Busy helps, I know you said you've tried that. Take up dancing. Salsa was what saved me (I'm quite serious, lots of counselling and books helped, but there was nothing like the social contact, physical activity, skill-learning, and sheer joy of salsa to get me out of my blues.)
Finally, your ex, at least, was honest enough to tell you. Consider this a gift, instead of her stringing you along for a few months....
posted by flutable at 1:48 AM on December 8, 2009
You poor sod – what a shitshow. You will however come out of this and, despite how you may feel in the meantime, you will eventually meet someone else. And you will have learned a great deal from this experience.
For now though, you’re doing to feel like shit. Accept that the relationship is over and don’t speak to her again. Seriously – no more contact.
And that pain that you’re presently feeling? Distract yourself from it. Doesn’t really matter what you do. Take up marathon running; throw yourself into your work; start offering pro bono advice to the needy; volunteer with a local charity; buy a bike and do some serious miles; join up and go to war or run off with the Peace Corps. Preferably a combination of any of the above and anything else that appeals.
Just don’t sit around wallowing in it. Use the time and space that you’ve now unexpectedly got to make the world a better place. You’ll find when you do that you’ve inadvertently made yourself a better person…
posted by dmt at 4:21 AM on December 8, 2009
For now though, you’re doing to feel like shit. Accept that the relationship is over and don’t speak to her again. Seriously – no more contact.
And that pain that you’re presently feeling? Distract yourself from it. Doesn’t really matter what you do. Take up marathon running; throw yourself into your work; start offering pro bono advice to the needy; volunteer with a local charity; buy a bike and do some serious miles; join up and go to war or run off with the Peace Corps. Preferably a combination of any of the above and anything else that appeals.
Just don’t sit around wallowing in it. Use the time and space that you’ve now unexpectedly got to make the world a better place. You’ll find when you do that you’ve inadvertently made yourself a better person…
posted by dmt at 4:21 AM on December 8, 2009
Here is one of those buddhist type stories that helped me get through my last breakup, it goes like this (adapted for your situation):
You are pretty happy and in love. You are returning home from work one day and as you turn the corner you see a giant pile of shit on your front lawn. You have no idea how it got there. It's no-ones fault, but still, there is a huge pile of stinking shit on your lawn, and its causes you pain. Neighbors ignore you. You are ashamed to leave your house, which is filled with the smell of shit. You let it fester for weeks, feeling angry at whoever dumped the shit there. Maybe you feel guilty that in same way you brought on this huge pile of shit.
After a couple of weeks you realize that something needs to be done. Determined, you start shoveling the shit. Each day there is a little less shit on your lawn. Some mornings as you venture out to start shoveling shit, you realize there is more there than the day before. You try to limit the amount of shit added back to the pile by stopping whatever can add more shit to your pile (talking to ex etc.). So day after day you shovel shit, and now each day there is less shit in your pile. Eventually there is hardly any shit left. You use the remaining shit as fertilizer for a rose garden in your back yard. Your house and neighborhood are filled with the scent of fresh roses. You are happy.
posted by thepalephantom at 9:13 AM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
You are pretty happy and in love. You are returning home from work one day and as you turn the corner you see a giant pile of shit on your front lawn. You have no idea how it got there. It's no-ones fault, but still, there is a huge pile of stinking shit on your lawn, and its causes you pain. Neighbors ignore you. You are ashamed to leave your house, which is filled with the smell of shit. You let it fester for weeks, feeling angry at whoever dumped the shit there. Maybe you feel guilty that in same way you brought on this huge pile of shit.
After a couple of weeks you realize that something needs to be done. Determined, you start shoveling the shit. Each day there is a little less shit on your lawn. Some mornings as you venture out to start shoveling shit, you realize there is more there than the day before. You try to limit the amount of shit added back to the pile by stopping whatever can add more shit to your pile (talking to ex etc.). So day after day you shovel shit, and now each day there is less shit in your pile. Eventually there is hardly any shit left. You use the remaining shit as fertilizer for a rose garden in your back yard. Your house and neighborhood are filled with the scent of fresh roses. You are happy.
posted by thepalephantom at 9:13 AM on December 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
Walk away and have a totally clean break. Within 3 months you'll see with clarity that she:
1) is a fucking mess
2) isn't worth your thoughts, let alone your time
3) is pretty much destined to fuck up the kid's life just like she's fucked up yours, hers, and the new guy's.
She's a woman in need of chaos -- be glad you're not part of it anymore. On the positive side, at least you know with absolute certainty that they'll have an unhappy marriage which her acting-out will destroy within 5 years.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2009
1) is a fucking mess
2) isn't worth your thoughts, let alone your time
3) is pretty much destined to fuck up the kid's life just like she's fucked up yours, hers, and the new guy's.
She's a woman in need of chaos -- be glad you're not part of it anymore. On the positive side, at least you know with absolute certainty that they'll have an unhappy marriage which her acting-out will destroy within 5 years.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2009
1) is a fucking mess
2) isn't worth your thoughts, let alone your time
3) is pretty much destined to fuck up the kid's life just like she's fucked up yours, hers, and the new guy's.
She's a woman in need of chaos -- be glad you're not part of it anymore. On the positive side, at least you know with absolute certainty that they'll have an unhappy marriage which her acting-out will destroy within 5 years.
I disagree with this vehemently. First and foremost, your life is not fucked up, iam2bz2p. You've got plenty of non-fucked-up life to work with.
Secondly, neither your ex, her kid's, or her new SO's lives are fucked up. They're different than what they could have been, but no-one is a lost cause here. Why would it be helpful to ruminate on the alleged guaranteed(!) suffering of others? How is it healing to denigrate the girlfriend as useless? iam2bz2p, you have every right to be angry and hurt, but please don't think that you need to stay angry and hurt.
posted by desuetude at 1:30 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
2) isn't worth your thoughts, let alone your time
3) is pretty much destined to fuck up the kid's life just like she's fucked up yours, hers, and the new guy's.
She's a woman in need of chaos -- be glad you're not part of it anymore. On the positive side, at least you know with absolute certainty that they'll have an unhappy marriage which her acting-out will destroy within 5 years.
I disagree with this vehemently. First and foremost, your life is not fucked up, iam2bz2p. You've got plenty of non-fucked-up life to work with.
Secondly, neither your ex, her kid's, or her new SO's lives are fucked up. They're different than what they could have been, but no-one is a lost cause here. Why would it be helpful to ruminate on the alleged guaranteed(!) suffering of others? How is it healing to denigrate the girlfriend as useless? iam2bz2p, you have every right to be angry and hurt, but please don't think that you need to stay angry and hurt.
posted by desuetude at 1:30 PM on December 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
Best answer: HOLY CRAP coolguymichael! WAY harsh.
The OP's scenario is terrible but hell, there's no way she alone is responsible. I tried to imagine her writing about this situation: "I fell in love with an amazing guy, and stupidly, I stopped taking my psych meds after a few months cos I felt truly happy!!! ... but of course things got difficult. We argued and ultimately he dumped me. I mourned my losses but tried to move on with my life, met a nice guy. Living across the road from ex was hard, but we somehow managed not to see each other. But just as I'm starting to feel happy with my new man, I get a call from my ex. He's made a mistake he says, wants to commit he says. I'm in a conundrum. I give my ex the benefit of the doubt, he's so sure he wants to commit, until.... I can't freaking believe my luck, it turns out I am pregnant! This is a dealbreaker, ex wants me to abort, adopt out and won't be with me unless I do. I take some time to think about it all and decide I can't give up baby for adoption. I tell the new man about the pregnancy and he is supportive, wants to be with me and take responsibility. I don't know what to do MeFi, advise me?"
Yes Coolguymichael, her life is a bit of a mess. A mess to which the OP contributed his fair share. And unfortunately, he is living through sad, bewildered, hopefully temporary, feelings - we've been there - but these are the result of a his choice.
Sorry OP I don't think it empowers you at all in the grief process to hear a buncha shit about someone you loved and had real value to you. I'm thinking of you and hope you come out the other side of this difficult time.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:40 AM on December 9, 2009 [5 favorites]
The OP's scenario is terrible but hell, there's no way she alone is responsible. I tried to imagine her writing about this situation: "I fell in love with an amazing guy, and stupidly, I stopped taking my psych meds after a few months cos I felt truly happy!!! ... but of course things got difficult. We argued and ultimately he dumped me. I mourned my losses but tried to move on with my life, met a nice guy. Living across the road from ex was hard, but we somehow managed not to see each other. But just as I'm starting to feel happy with my new man, I get a call from my ex. He's made a mistake he says, wants to commit he says. I'm in a conundrum. I give my ex the benefit of the doubt, he's so sure he wants to commit, until.... I can't freaking believe my luck, it turns out I am pregnant! This is a dealbreaker, ex wants me to abort, adopt out and won't be with me unless I do. I take some time to think about it all and decide I can't give up baby for adoption. I tell the new man about the pregnancy and he is supportive, wants to be with me and take responsibility. I don't know what to do MeFi, advise me?"
Yes Coolguymichael, her life is a bit of a mess. A mess to which the OP contributed his fair share. And unfortunately, he is living through sad, bewildered, hopefully temporary, feelings - we've been there - but these are the result of a his choice.
Sorry OP I don't think it empowers you at all in the grief process to hear a buncha shit about someone you loved and had real value to you. I'm thinking of you and hope you come out the other side of this difficult time.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:40 AM on December 9, 2009 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Honey-Barbara-- Very insightful post.
Of course your simplified summary is sans significant detail (not your fault-- I didn't post it), but I think your perspective from the woman's POV is right on the money.
Thank you.
PS-- MeFi's, I'm feeling MUCH BETTER today...and I can already tell that tomorrow, the next week, and after that I'm just gonna be alright.
posted by iam2bz2p at 3:28 PM on December 9, 2009
Of course your simplified summary is sans significant detail (not your fault-- I didn't post it), but I think your perspective from the woman's POV is right on the money.
Thank you.
PS-- MeFi's, I'm feeling MUCH BETTER today...and I can already tell that tomorrow, the next week, and after that I'm just gonna be alright.
posted by iam2bz2p at 3:28 PM on December 9, 2009
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I'm not sure what the question is, but you need to GTFO of this situation yesterday.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:32 PM on December 7, 2009 [17 favorites]