Running out of beans, in my head.
November 2, 2009 1:07 PM   Subscribe

Datingfilter: Did I just get blown off? Yes, there's more bean platiness to this.

Several weeks ago I was enjoying a beer on a sunny Friday afternoon with my friend 'Dave' at a local brewery. We ran into his friend 'Jane' who then joined our table. Over the course of the conversation I realized that I was attracted to Jane but made no attempt to do anything about it (burnt out on dating, or lack thereof). We talked about music, upcoming concerts and such.

The following week, Dave and I carpooled to a free outdoor concert and Jane joined us (same concert we had talked about). We spent the whole day together, talked about many things, but I still did not consider making a move on her. Post concert (2-3 days later) she sends me an email saying that she enjoyed the day and that we (not all three of us) should do something like this again. I agreed, pitched the idea for a show at the end of the month. she seemed excited.

A week later I organize a meeting (work related), which Jane hears about (via an email list) and says she would come because it sounds exciting. Post meeting we go out for beers, and several hours later dinner, then back to her place where we makeout, talk, and just spend the whole night together. In the morning she files back east to see her family for a week.

For a moment I thought this just happened because we were somewhat drunk but there were other indications. She delayed her ride to the airport so she could spend more time with me. At least two times she said that she was bummed not to be able to spend the day with me.

Great, I'm excited. Can't wait to see her when she's back. We exchanged a couple of brief text messages after she got home but I didn't say/do much after that to not seem very eager.

3 days later I get a flirty text. So now I'm excited, (Hey she really does like me, and didn't chalk that night up to a drunken encounter. yay!). We exchange several messages over the week. I make her a mix (like we had talked about). She seems stoked. The night before she returns, she says something like Coming home tomorrow! Packing now, rather than last minute like last time ;)

I replied looking forward to seeing you. That's it.

From then on I get no reply from her. She flew home Tuesday and not a word from her. This is where I get all beanplatey in my head:

a) Did I freak her out by saying that?
b) Perhaps the message didn't go through, but it shows up as sent and I have no reason to believe otherwise.

So I figure I will give it a few days before acting on it. I saw her today, very unexpectedly. We literally ran into each other as she was walking out of the restroom. She said have to get back to my meeting (which is true, she did have a meeting then). What now?

Do I just leave this awkward like so for every future interaction?

My usual thoughts run like this:

Ah I guess she realized that she's not into me. Last thing I want to do is to freak her out more by getting pushy. I will just back off and let this go.

Another part of me says Hey stupid. That's what you always do. Why not call her and talk to her?

So what do I do? Respect her wish not to pursue this anymore (for whatever reasons)?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
She didn't say she didn't want to pursue this anymore (right?). Give her a call. You're over thinking things.
posted by wrok at 1:10 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I replied looking forward to seeing you. That's it.

If saying "I look forward to seeing you" scared her off or freaked her out, she's too nutty to deal with. Send her another message or call her and see what happens.
posted by jayder at 1:12 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

Send her another message or call her and see what happens.

Call -- you'll be crystal on how things are afterwards. Messaging leaves way too much room for some subtle interpretation one way or another.
posted by wrok at 1:13 PM on November 2, 2009

Hey stupid. That's what you always do. Why not call her and talk to her?
yes. Call her.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

My whole dating life got easier when I gave up on the whole "tag your turn to call" thing. Just call and ask her out to drinks and see what happens.
posted by bitdamaged at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2009 [13 favorites]

From how you describe it, she has not been very skillful about all of this. I might shoot her an email saying that you WERE looking forward to seeing her and while it's way early to pick a china pattern, you'd like to get together again and where is she on this? Keep it breezy as possible.

It might spook her of the fence onto the wrong side of it, if indeed she is on the fence, but it would be better than you twisting in the wind like this.
posted by Danf at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2009

We exchanged a couple of brief text messages after she got home but I didn't say/do much after that to not seem very eager.

I'd lay money on the fact that she doesn't want to appear too keen either, call the woman RIGHT NOW!
posted by ceri richard at 1:18 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

She joined you and a friend on at least one occasion (the second and even the first may have been deliberate). She emails you saying that she wants to see you. She invites herself to your meeting. She delays leaving on a trip so she can spend more time with you. She sends you flirty texts.

Um. How about YOU initiate something? Stop passively waiting to hear from her. Other people (not just you) get insecure and also enjoy being pursued a little. Just call her, geezus.
posted by iconomy at 1:19 PM on November 2, 2009 [23 favorites]

Give her a call. Ask her if she wants to hang out.

Don't mention the fact that she didn't respond or ask her if she got your message. That would be verging on pushy (I know from my own experience of doing just that).

Asking her to hang out, when she hasn't said no, is not pushy.

And by the way, if this is a person who indicates a lack of interest by not responding to such an innocuous text, you're not missing out on anything.
posted by abkadefgee at 1:19 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's certainly possible that your txt reply got zapped in transit and she never got the message. In which case she is having the exact same thought process as you, except hers ends with "and then I sent him a txt that said 'Coming home tomorrow! Packing now, rather than last minute like last time' and he never replied. Do you think I scared him off?"
Just call her and ask to buy her a coffee.
posted by 8dot3 at 1:19 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

There isn't really anything about "looking forward to seeing you" that is inherently freaky. And in general, I don't believe that somebody who is interested in you will ever be 'scared away' by an encouraging message, unless it is completely batshitinsane.

But turning to the future...what's to lose by asking her out somewhere? It sounds like you keep leaving the ball in her court; maybe she wouldn't mind you showing a little more initiative? At worst, you'd only end up roughly where you are right now.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:21 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

She rekindled things with an ex? Dad has a fatal illness? She's pregnant? She hated your mix once she actually listened to it? She's a player? She's not a player, she just [bleep]s a lot?

Call her and say, hey, what's the deal? Feel free to act a bit annoyed. She's being a bit annoying.
posted by kathrineg at 1:22 PM on November 2, 2009

Remove texting/emailing/messaging from the equation here. Call or speak in person. Ask her if she'd like to join you in [Specific Plan X]. She will either say: 1) yes; 2) no, but here's an alternate plan; or 3) no. Proceed from there.

Respect her wish not to pursue this anymore (for whatever reasons)?

Also, please remove all conclusions derived from mind-reading from the equation. (This is a good rule of thumb for all relationships, by the way.) You have no concrete information that would allow you to draw this conclusion definitively. It may or may not be the case, but you will only know by having an actual conversation with her.
posted by scody at 1:23 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

Just call! It sounds like she's into you. :)
posted by frecklefaerie at 1:23 PM on November 2, 2009

Call her!
posted by iamabot at 1:24 PM on November 2, 2009

There's not quite enough to go on here and since you haven't done the thing where you text her 8 times with no response, you're in the right position to take one more chance with this.
Call her, leave a voicemail if she isn't there, and explicitly ask her out for a certain date and time and place.

She could be the type who expects you to make the plans and ask her out at this point in the beginning of dating. She could be wondering why you haven't suggested seeing her yet since she's obviously back. Or something could have come up and she doesn't want to go further with this.
But you haven't contacted her too much or said anything too scary yet (the looking forward to see her thing is nice and not pressure-y to me even after only 1 date) so go for it and use your 2nd chance.

Since in my rulebook you can only contact twice with no return call, you should do everything you can to make it clear and unambiguous on this, your last shot. Find something cool to do or a fun restaurant, pick a weekend night, and ask.
posted by rmless at 1:35 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

Call her and say, hey, what's the deal? Feel free to act a bit annoyed. She's being a bit annoying.

I disagree with this. You don't know if she got your text or if something real has come up in her life, and after only one date and some texts she doesn't owe you much. This behaviour would really turn me off, especially if my mom was sick or something. Give her the benefit of the doubt and be charming and decisive when you ask her out again, make her want to date you and don't make her feel guilty before a relationship even starts.
posted by rmless at 1:38 PM on November 2, 2009 [9 favorites]

Seconding iconomy here, initiate something. If I were her, right now it would seem like you don't care to push things much further at all, which can be just as big a turn off as pushing way too hard. There's a difference between being pushy and being interested, and right now it sounds like you're falling hard on the side of indifference.

If anything I feel your text didn't convey enough emotion. Put some life into it! Add an exclamation at the end!

What sounds better,

looking forward to seeing you
looking forward to seeing you!

More people than you are insecure and believe me that showing someone that you think they are interesting and unique is far better than standing back and feigning indifference because you are too afraid to express interest out of fear of pushing them away. People like to know they are appreciated and don't like putting in a lot of effort only to get mediocre responses.

Also, don't even mention how you've had this little crisis of faith, it would serve zero purpose in the relationship right now. Call her, invite her to drinks or something. Don't "have a conversation" about what's been going on. Just hang out like you've been doing. That's what seems to make the two of you most comfortable and that's what you should continue doing. Really, it's far too soon to start having "talks". If she's uncomfortable with something you're doing (which she isn't, by the way) she will tell you. Don't force a bizarre confrontation about something that may only be in your head.

condensed version: Call her for random drinks. Hang out and have fun.
posted by scrutiny at 1:40 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Call her and say, hey, what's the deal? Feel free to act a bit annoyed. She's being a bit annoying."

@kathrineg Although I think it's reasonable to be annoyed by the situation, it's unreasonable to say she's been annoying (or is at fault). We have no way of knowing what happened or why, and honestly, it doesn't really matter.

If he asks her out and she says "Yes," then they'll go on a date and hopefully it will all be awesome. If she says "No," then that sucks, and he can move on. If she blows him off, then she sucks, and he can move on.

Her motivations for these things are completely unimportant. It's way too early to spend time figuring out the dynamics of their hypothetical relationship.
posted by abkadefgee at 1:43 PM on November 2, 2009

Call her. She's waiting.
posted by vincele at 1:45 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

Texting "looking forward to seeing you" is not pushy, creepy, or desperate. If she interprets it that way, as noted above, she is either definitely not interested or crazy. If she is interested, that text would have made her excited and happy.
It of course is possible she lost interest over the week, met another guy back home, got back together with an ex, etc. It's also possible she doesn't want to seem too pushy, has been really busy catching up with work, etc. You won't know for sure unless you call, and you have nothing to lose. If calling her under these circumstances freaks her out, she probably was not that into you.
posted by janerica at 1:48 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait, so she's been home for nearly a week and you haven't gotten in touch with her to ask her out? No wonder she was uncomfortable when she ran into you. You've acted like you're not interested. If you are, in fact, interested, you need to contact her and suggest making plans.
posted by decathecting at 1:54 PM on November 2, 2009 [12 favorites]

Are you, in fact, interested in her? Or are you more interested in her interest in you?

Get your head out of your ass and go after her.
posted by fleacircus at 2:10 PM on November 2, 2009

It is entirely possible that she did not receive the text that is showing on your phone as sent. This just happened to me this weekend when I discovered there were a whole slew of texts my friend thought had been sent successfully, but I never, ever received. Call her, and you shoudl probably casually mention that you hoped she got your text, because it's possible she thinks you are blowing her off. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 2:17 PM on November 2, 2009

Yeah, you haven't called her in a week. She thinks you are not interested. Ball in your court.

If I were her, and you hadn't called me when you knew I was coming back into town, I'd be irked/offended/feeling like I had been blown off a bit. Or feel foolish because I had initated everything previously, and you weren't interested enough to reciprocate by, you know, picking up the phone and calling.
posted by slateyness at 2:18 PM on November 2, 2009

Jesus Christ. Call her and ask her if she wants to get together sometime this week. It sounds to me like she's gone out of her way to seem interested (re: iconomy's comment) and she probably thinks you're not interested.

I also think texting is a bad premise for dating- it's too easy to misinterpret. Actually call her up when you want to talk and save the texting for things like "running late, be there in 5 min"
posted by emd3737 at 2:20 PM on November 2, 2009

Assume the best. She didn't get your message, lost her phone, has the flu, thinks you blew her off.

Invite her to dinner/movie/club, something that is explicitly a nice date. If she says No, I have to prep for a major work presentation the nest day, try again. If she says, No, I have to regrout the shower, say, "I'd so appreciate it if you tell me how I screwed things up. I like you and it seemed like it was reciprocated. thanks."
posted by theora55 at 2:28 PM on November 2, 2009

OMG please call her now. Now. Now. Now. Or text her with firm plans in mind. And for the record, next time you send a text like "Looking forward to seeing you," follow it up with, "How about drinks on X night?" Always make firm plans or else your answers will seem half-hearted/ apathetic.
posted by moiraine at 2:47 PM on November 2, 2009

Sounds like she's waiting for you to call her.
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 2:56 PM on November 2, 2009

Just call. The only mistakes I've made is assuming I know what's going on.
posted by kcm at 3:15 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

She's just been away from home for a week. There's every possibility she came back to find her basement flooded, her project at work in trouble and her cat sick. Fill in those blanks with other possible things that might be distracting her after a week away if she doesn't have a basement, project or cat.

Relationships are not a game of tag. You can initiate the next bit of contact even if you were the person who initiated the last bit of contact.

Call her, without assuming that anything is wrong, ask her how her trip was and invite her to do something. If it seems like something is wrong, you can deal with it then.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:34 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe she has AT&T, I lose messages all the time. She may very well think you're not into her because if she didn't get that message, she hasn't heard for you since and may think you blew her off.

That said, don't turn it into a discussion about who should have called whom or if she got the text or whatever, just ask her out to something specific.
posted by advicepig at 4:10 PM on November 2, 2009

There are no facts here to support any conclusion whatsoever. You literally lack any evidence to make a determination. I'd work really hard to get your head around that and work on letting go of having to know the answer. Once you've done that, you should have some idea of what to do.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:01 PM on November 2, 2009

She's done a pretty good job of giving you clear signals that she's interested. You've done a pretty good job of failing to do the same. Take a risk, reach out, and ask her out on a date that you initiate. Stop being so passive.
posted by davejay at 5:15 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


Best case scenario: She's interested. yay!

Worst case scenario: She's not interested. That's too bad, but calling doesn't make anything worse - at least now you know.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:52 PM on November 2, 2009

Nthing all the people who say to take initiative. I was struck, while reading this, how much this has been pushed forward by her, and not you. So call her already!
posted by lunasol at 10:15 PM on November 2, 2009

Anon has contacted me with great news!
Anon called her, they talked for a while- turns out she was busy with a new cat- and they made plans.
Not just one plan, but two (2!!) actual dates lined up with her for this week (dinner, hiking, show).

Good job, Anon, hope the dates are awesome!
posted by rmless at 10:23 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

That's fantastic. Good luck!
posted by iconomy at 4:38 AM on November 3, 2009

That's great!
posted by scrutiny at 6:23 AM on November 3, 2009

Now that the thread has run its course can I ask what the hell "bean platiness" is? I did a Google search over the entire Internet and get like three hits.
posted by crapmatic at 8:04 AM on November 3, 2009

(and thanks for the update -- that's awesome!) :D
posted by crapmatic at 8:04 AM on November 3, 2009

Now that the thread has run its course can I ask what the hell "bean platiness" is?

Urban Dictionary, which is the best kind of dictionary.
posted by That takes balls. at 8:44 AM on November 3, 2009

thanks much!
posted by crapmatic at 4:38 PM on November 3, 2009

I think she's being annoying too. A "cat"? That sounds strange. Well, good luck, but she sounds unreliable to me.
posted by VC Drake at 5:08 PM on November 3, 2009

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