Coping with personality shift in newly adopted cats
October 21, 2009 9:16 PM Subscribe
I recently adopted a 1 year old female cat, and within days her personality has changed drastically (some of which was expected, but not to this degree). What follows is an ethical dilemma.
First off, I've had close feline companions all my life, and feel fairly competent in understanding their behavior, but not this time. A while back, my dear feline companion of 10 years passed after a long bout with kidney disease. Her 11 year old companion male was seemingly beside himself, despite the fact that they were often oil and water. I gave myself some space to think about when when and why of adoption, and allowed the cat to find me. For the sake of being concise, the cat "found" me, in that when I visited a private, home-run shelter she reached out and melted in my arms. I met her two times thereafter just to be sure.
The first night and following day were blissful. She delighted in her space, and acknowledging that I'm projecting human sensibilities on a non-human, she seemed thankful and irresistibly happy. I kept her separated from the male, who is as passive and "beta" as it comes- though he's quite large. He knew she was there, and didn't and hasn't made an aggressive move toward her. I slowly increased new cat's territory. Over a course of days, despite being litter trained, she left massive dumps on my bed while I was at work. Her sweet disposition quickly began to shift toward irritability; while days ago she sought out as much petting and affection as you could dispense, petting now is brief before she growls and bats you away. While old cat cares less, she growls at him and seems especially perturbed if you interact with him, and then her.
I accept that pets' personalities change often when moving from shelter to new home, but not this radically. I made absolutely sure that this was the best fit, and built a great rapport with her and the shelter owner before adoption. I made it clear I wasn't seeking a "replacement" to the recently deceased cat, and was seeking out a personality that's new and quite different. Now, new cat's personality is so different from the hours we spent in the interview stage, that had I known this would be the outcome I wouldn't have adopted her.
The ethical dilemma for me is this; do I return her (which they accept and allow for unconditionally) or accept the consequences of my choice and that this phase may pass? I strongly believe in not causing an animal adjustment trauma because of a change of heart, and that the choice I'd make would be one I could stand by. Is it better for the animal in the long run to return her or to work with the behaviors, even though it might cause us both discomfort?
This is gut-wrenching, and the guilt I feel is intense. I, and by extension a once homeless and long-overlooked kitty, would appreciate your thoughtful response. Email: catquestion@mailinator.com
First off, I've had close feline companions all my life, and feel fairly competent in understanding their behavior, but not this time. A while back, my dear feline companion of 10 years passed after a long bout with kidney disease. Her 11 year old companion male was seemingly beside himself, despite the fact that they were often oil and water. I gave myself some space to think about when when and why of adoption, and allowed the cat to find me. For the sake of being concise, the cat "found" me, in that when I visited a private, home-run shelter she reached out and melted in my arms. I met her two times thereafter just to be sure.
The first night and following day were blissful. She delighted in her space, and acknowledging that I'm projecting human sensibilities on a non-human, she seemed thankful and irresistibly happy. I kept her separated from the male, who is as passive and "beta" as it comes- though he's quite large. He knew she was there, and didn't and hasn't made an aggressive move toward her. I slowly increased new cat's territory. Over a course of days, despite being litter trained, she left massive dumps on my bed while I was at work. Her sweet disposition quickly began to shift toward irritability; while days ago she sought out as much petting and affection as you could dispense, petting now is brief before she growls and bats you away. While old cat cares less, she growls at him and seems especially perturbed if you interact with him, and then her.
I accept that pets' personalities change often when moving from shelter to new home, but not this radically. I made absolutely sure that this was the best fit, and built a great rapport with her and the shelter owner before adoption. I made it clear I wasn't seeking a "replacement" to the recently deceased cat, and was seeking out a personality that's new and quite different. Now, new cat's personality is so different from the hours we spent in the interview stage, that had I known this would be the outcome I wouldn't have adopted her.
The ethical dilemma for me is this; do I return her (which they accept and allow for unconditionally) or accept the consequences of my choice and that this phase may pass? I strongly believe in not causing an animal adjustment trauma because of a change of heart, and that the choice I'd make would be one I could stand by. Is it better for the animal in the long run to return her or to work with the behaviors, even though it might cause us both discomfort?
This is gut-wrenching, and the guilt I feel is intense. I, and by extension a once homeless and long-overlooked kitty, would appreciate your thoughtful response. Email: catquestion@mailinator.com
I don't think the pooping on your bed is a slight at you. We had a cat that did that with us when we let him into a new space and he was thrilled to be in it -- we thought he might just be marking his territory. Maybe this has as much to do with her adapting to you being gone during the day for work as anything else? (Sounds like the first few days you were able to spend more time with her?)
I wish I had more solid information for you. I'm leaning toward believing she will turn around after she gets more acclimated to her surroundings and falls into a routine, but I am not basing this on anything besides instinct and the basic feeling that cats will ultimately be very friendly to the person that always feeds them. Good luck to you!
posted by onlyconnect at 9:35 PM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wish I had more solid information for you. I'm leaning toward believing she will turn around after she gets more acclimated to her surroundings and falls into a routine, but I am not basing this on anything besides instinct and the basic feeling that cats will ultimately be very friendly to the person that always feeds them. Good luck to you!
posted by onlyconnect at 9:35 PM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is how long after the new cat moved in? It sounds like it's been about a week, in which case it's probably still adjustment issues, or possibly illness.
So the cat may calm down once she is somewhat more used to the new home and the new cat (I'd give it about a month) -- or she may not, in which case the shelter will now know that this should be an only cat, which is always useful information, and you will find another cat who you love and who tolerates other cats in the home. It's okay to do this if necessary, and the shelter will understand, but (if I understand your timeline correctly), it is not yet necessary.
posted by jeather at 9:39 PM on October 21, 2009
So the cat may calm down once she is somewhat more used to the new home and the new cat (I'd give it about a month) -- or she may not, in which case the shelter will now know that this should be an only cat, which is always useful information, and you will find another cat who you love and who tolerates other cats in the home. It's okay to do this if necessary, and the shelter will understand, but (if I understand your timeline correctly), it is not yet necessary.
posted by jeather at 9:39 PM on October 21, 2009
It sounds like she is overwhelmed. As for the pooping on your bed, can you keep her confined when you are not home? She may be very upset with the whole situation. I had a cat (who I had from little kittenhood) who, if he was upset, pooped next to my head while I was sleeping. This started after we moved to a city apartment. It did not last.
But I agree, if you feel the situation is untenable, return her to the shelter.
posted by fifilaru at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2009
But I agree, if you feel the situation is untenable, return her to the shelter.
posted by fifilaru at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2009
How long have you had her? When we got new cats it's always taken several months for things to settle down, and as much as six months before all the cats were 100% fully integrated and liking each other. Our vet was amazed that we could leave the old and new ones alone together after five weeks, that can be quite fast. Our current kittens went through a really skittish unfriendly stage about three months after we got them which then wore off again with persistent calm attention and no over fussing.
So yeah, give it some time. Don't freak out about every little thing and just let things settle and sort themselves out. A vet visit does make sense, it always does when a cat starts growling at being touched, but in general I think you're a ways off from needing to give her up.
posted by shelleycat at 11:19 PM on October 21, 2009
So yeah, give it some time. Don't freak out about every little thing and just let things settle and sort themselves out. A vet visit does make sense, it always does when a cat starts growling at being touched, but in general I think you're a ways off from needing to give her up.
posted by shelleycat at 11:19 PM on October 21, 2009
Please don't return it; just give her some space. My shelter-adopted cat was like this, but after a few weeks she turned into a complete sweetheart. Now she follows me around like a puppy and curls up on me at night...I'm so glad I gave her a chance!
posted by aquafortis at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by aquafortis at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
We had a cat that did the whole bed pooping thing: in summary, he was just more of a one cat household kind of cat, and was registering a protest at being lower down in the pecking order (we had two other cats at the time). One thing I would add is that the whole "rub their nose in it" approach - and I'm not suggesting you are doing it - is emphatically wrong. We solved pooping problem with affectionate attention, which most animal behaviorists recommend. Anyway, our cat managed to cope with other cats, even if he was never entirely thrilled by it. But the bedding in process took a good couple of months.
My other bit of anecdata is my brother's cat - a beautiful, friendly creature who turned almost overnight into an aggressive, short tempered, swipey thing upon the arrival of another cat - a small, very passive female. He never reverted to his previous sweet self.
If I had to guess, the problem stems from your younger cat not knowing her status in the home. This is pretty stressful. It might be worth reducing the size of her territory a little so that she feels secure in what she has and manage the interactions between her and the older cat so that they are more positive (i.e. they both get fed together, at the same time). You also should be doing things like switching blankets - i.e. she sleeps on the blanket (or similar) used by your older cat so that his smell is less threatening. You might also take advice from a vet on whether something like Feliway could help.
If it doesn't pan out over time, perhaps - as you acknowledge - your new cat is a one cat household cat.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:50 AM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
My other bit of anecdata is my brother's cat - a beautiful, friendly creature who turned almost overnight into an aggressive, short tempered, swipey thing upon the arrival of another cat - a small, very passive female. He never reverted to his previous sweet self.
If I had to guess, the problem stems from your younger cat not knowing her status in the home. This is pretty stressful. It might be worth reducing the size of her territory a little so that she feels secure in what she has and manage the interactions between her and the older cat so that they are more positive (i.e. they both get fed together, at the same time). You also should be doing things like switching blankets - i.e. she sleeps on the blanket (or similar) used by your older cat so that his smell is less threatening. You might also take advice from a vet on whether something like Feliway could help.
If it doesn't pan out over time, perhaps - as you acknowledge - your new cat is a one cat household cat.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:50 AM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Give it time. Even things out. Keep an open heart. Be prepared to be a peacemaker.
Our instincts in choosing companion animals are right on. There are times of adjustment to be made, new lessons to be taught and learned. Especially in the realm of patience. Talk to them, sing to them, give them their own personal spaces. Dose them with Rescue Remedy to chill them out. Sprinkle some catnip around. Give them equal love. Feed them at the same time. Don't differ to one and not to the other. That just gives one the edge over the other. Over time, when boundaries are established you can do that. Just a little as not to make the other jealous. You're the sheriff in town now - things will work out - you just need to even out the new energy. Play is encouraged.
posted by watercarrier at 2:43 AM on October 22, 2009
Our instincts in choosing companion animals are right on. There are times of adjustment to be made, new lessons to be taught and learned. Especially in the realm of patience. Talk to them, sing to them, give them their own personal spaces. Dose them with Rescue Remedy to chill them out. Sprinkle some catnip around. Give them equal love. Feed them at the same time. Don't differ to one and not to the other. That just gives one the edge over the other. Over time, when boundaries are established you can do that. Just a little as not to make the other jealous. You're the sheriff in town now - things will work out - you just need to even out the new energy. Play is encouraged.
posted by watercarrier at 2:43 AM on October 22, 2009
Definitely give it time. Evil was super sweet at the home shelter where she was with other cats and some dogs. A few days after bringing, she started peeing in our bed. We installed some Feliway diffusers and, using a black light, made sure we saturated every place she peed with Nature's Miracle. We realized she was particularly paying attention to the spots which had been favored by our previous cat. It took about 2 weeks, but she settled back down and we've not had an issue since. She's back to her super sweet, confident self and has let our dogs know she owns their space.
If the behavior continues after a couple of months, then I would contact the shelter again. If she's made some progress, give her more time.
posted by onhazier at 6:01 AM on October 22, 2009
If the behavior continues after a couple of months, then I would contact the shelter again. If she's made some progress, give her more time.
posted by onhazier at 6:01 AM on October 22, 2009
The new element is your other cat. It's not you she's reacting to, it's him. They need some time to find equilibrium, give them at least three months imo.
posted by Billegible at 6:44 AM on October 22, 2009
posted by Billegible at 6:44 AM on October 22, 2009
Yeah, give it time. My cat did fine for the first two weeks with her new "step-sister" and then started pooping on the rug. That too passed.
If you have space, you could try two litterboxes. That was recommended to me when Wensleydale was having her pooping-in-inappropriate-places issues, but we didn't have the space in our apartment to do so. Eventually, with time, things sorted themselves out. The only change I made - and it made all the difference in the world - was to separate their foodbowls to opposite sides of the apartment as I saw that the "new" cat was crowding Wensleydale's ability to get any food. They share a bowl now, but for a few months, it was absolutely necessary to have two bowls - one next to the kitchen and one in a windowsill on the other side of the room. I don't know cat pyschology, but that change fixed the pooping problem.
Look for signs like that - things that may show what your cat is reacting *to.* In the meantime, keep your bedroom door shut while you're gone (if you can) just to discourage the habit of pooping on your bed.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:20 AM on October 22, 2009
If you have space, you could try two litterboxes. That was recommended to me when Wensleydale was having her pooping-in-inappropriate-places issues, but we didn't have the space in our apartment to do so. Eventually, with time, things sorted themselves out. The only change I made - and it made all the difference in the world - was to separate their foodbowls to opposite sides of the apartment as I saw that the "new" cat was crowding Wensleydale's ability to get any food. They share a bowl now, but for a few months, it was absolutely necessary to have two bowls - one next to the kitchen and one in a windowsill on the other side of the room. I don't know cat pyschology, but that change fixed the pooping problem.
Look for signs like that - things that may show what your cat is reacting *to.* In the meantime, keep your bedroom door shut while you're gone (if you can) just to discourage the habit of pooping on your bed.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:20 AM on October 22, 2009
It sounds as though new cat has been with you only a few days. It can easily take weeks and weeks for cats to sort out their politics. Or even months, as Billegible points out.
I'm integrating a stray into my household right now. She is a sweetie, and so are my other two cats, but there's lots of hissing and growling going on while they all sort their stuff out. Who gets to sit on top of the recliner? Who gets to sit in the sunny patch on the bed? HEY, that's my dish!
It's important not to take sides between them, because it confuses the issue. Treat them as equally as you possibly can. And if you haven't already, if it's remotely possible, add a second litter box.
posted by tomboko at 7:35 AM on October 22, 2009
I'm integrating a stray into my household right now. She is a sweetie, and so are my other two cats, but there's lots of hissing and growling going on while they all sort their stuff out. Who gets to sit on top of the recliner? Who gets to sit in the sunny patch on the bed? HEY, that's my dish!
It's important not to take sides between them, because it confuses the issue. Treat them as equally as you possibly can. And if you haven't already, if it's remotely possible, add a second litter box.
posted by tomboko at 7:35 AM on October 22, 2009
Agreed with everyone that it sounds like you might not have given it enough time. I am not a cat expert, but I sort of followed this during a recent cat introduction. As you can see, they recommend a very slow process.
As to your ethical question and guilty feelings, if you give it time and try all the recommendations above, you really shouldn't feel guilty about returning the cat to the shelter. I hate people who don't seem to understand that getting a pet is a commitment for the animal's lifetime, but that's not what you would be doing if the cat is still miserable after having a few months to adjust. If the cat is truly better suited to being an only cat, then you can return her with a clear conscience and let the shelter know what kind of home they need to look for.
posted by Mavri at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2009
As to your ethical question and guilty feelings, if you give it time and try all the recommendations above, you really shouldn't feel guilty about returning the cat to the shelter. I hate people who don't seem to understand that getting a pet is a commitment for the animal's lifetime, but that's not what you would be doing if the cat is still miserable after having a few months to adjust. If the cat is truly better suited to being an only cat, then you can return her with a clear conscience and let the shelter know what kind of home they need to look for.
posted by Mavri at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2009
You sound like a thoughtful and kind cat lover, so don't feel guilty if you do end up returning this kitty. But do please give her a chance to settle in so you feel you've done everything you can.
Our cat no. 3 ruined an entire row of books by pissing along the bottom shelf when we first got him (seriously, they were all sodden and stuck together). My husband was about ready to turn him into a Davy Crockett hat, but I said it was stress (the cat had bounced between his previous owners and the SPCA twice as they tried to decide what to do with him) and that we should give it time.
We had THREE litterboxes at one point to make sure they all stayed away from each other. Also, you could put two bowls of water out in different places so your cats can drink without feeling like they might run into each other. (We still do that, actually, since cat no. 3 likes to lie next to the water bowl and give out hate-stares to no. 2.)
Today, he's a soppy cuddlebug who actually sleeps head-to-tail with cat no. 1. (Cat no. 2 still loathes him, but she hates everyone except me, pretty much.)
If you can keep them separated and spend some quality time with her while you're home, I'm sure she will calm down. I used to be an SPCA volunteer, and we always counseled people to go very slow when introducing a new cat to a current one. Is there a room you can go into with her and close the door and just give her lots of attention?
Good luck. I'm sure you can work this out.
posted by vickyverky at 10:48 AM on October 22, 2009
Our cat no. 3 ruined an entire row of books by pissing along the bottom shelf when we first got him (seriously, they were all sodden and stuck together). My husband was about ready to turn him into a Davy Crockett hat, but I said it was stress (the cat had bounced between his previous owners and the SPCA twice as they tried to decide what to do with him) and that we should give it time.
We had THREE litterboxes at one point to make sure they all stayed away from each other. Also, you could put two bowls of water out in different places so your cats can drink without feeling like they might run into each other. (We still do that, actually, since cat no. 3 likes to lie next to the water bowl and give out hate-stares to no. 2.)
Today, he's a soppy cuddlebug who actually sleeps head-to-tail with cat no. 1. (Cat no. 2 still loathes him, but she hates everyone except me, pretty much.)
If you can keep them separated and spend some quality time with her while you're home, I'm sure she will calm down. I used to be an SPCA volunteer, and we always counseled people to go very slow when introducing a new cat to a current one. Is there a room you can go into with her and close the door and just give her lots of attention?
Good luck. I'm sure you can work this out.
posted by vickyverky at 10:48 AM on October 22, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Otherwise, good luck. I haven't any advice on the ethical dilemma, other than to say that cats' behavior can change dramatically over the course of years. Had one five-year old cat who turned into an affectionate lap-fungus overnight, after having been standoffish for years.
They're cats... be patient.
posted by mikeand1 at 9:23 PM on October 21, 2009