How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom?

September 13, 2009 4:10 PM

How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom?

When I was in high school, I came out as gay and my parents were really homophobic. My mom also bullied me a lot about the course I took in university, and about moving away for school, even though I won scholarships that would have let me done that. I stayed in my hometown, and I struggled a lot with depression, insecurity, and eating problems while I did my undergrad - but also overcame these things and learned to be highly independent, finishing uni in a specialization I enjoyed, and supporting myself financially pretty much since I originally moved out. These days I’m living in another city, and doing well in grad school.

My sister is going to a prestigious grad school across the water in England, with the full support (loan & otherwise) of my parents (“oh, the experience of a lifetime!” etc.). I get along with my sister, but I find myself bitterly jealous of her, which upsets me. I’m pissed off because I know my mom was supporting my sister every step of the way.

I don’t like these feelings. I don't want to be hurtful and most importantly, I want to move on. I'm seeking advice for how to do this. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Just wanted to say that your sister will not be able to say this: but also overcame these things and learned to be highly independent, finishing uni in a specialization I enjoyed, and supporting myself financially pretty much since I originally moved out. These days I’m living in another city, and doing well in grad school.

Don't be jealous. Be grateful for the crap you've had to go through and for the fact that you came out on top despite it all. Despite it all you're awesome and successful!
posted by Sassyfras at 4:22 PM on September 13, 2009 [16 favorites]

I think as long as you compare your experience with your sister's experience regarding your parents, you're going to have these feelings of resentment. I'd suggest trying to re-frame your relationship with both your mother and sister, in that you're now a fully independent person, and whatever your mother does for your sister is irrelevant to your current relationship.

Being the only gay sibling (I'm the middle son of three, and the only gay one) is tough, and even with parents who are fully accepting, is going to have differences from your straight brothers and sisters. It's a long journey to go from feelings of resentment over being treated differently because of something vital to who you are, so I wish you the best of luck.
posted by xingcat at 4:24 PM on September 13, 2009

I had difficulties with my parents and younger sisters. Over the years since I stopped living with them I've forged relationships with unrelated people who have become like aunties and uncles and sisters and brothers. They have given me the support that my family never did. Reach out to the people who are in your life now.
posted by mareli at 4:28 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's hard not to feel jealous of people sometimes. One thing that I do is to list in my head all of the things that I'm awesome at and that other people aren't. I don't know you at all, but based on what you listed here are some things that are awesome about you.

1. You're financially independent. You don't need your mom for money like your sister does. Think of this as a plus.

2. You overcame depression, insecurity, and eating problems. You're stronger because of it. Would your sister have been able to handle that?

3. You're doing well in grad school. You're successful without any help. You don't need help. You're fine by yourself.

4. You're probably much more emotionally mature than your sister based on what you've had to go through.

All of this stuff has only made you a better, stronger, more interesting person. Try and be proud and happy with that.
posted by kylej at 4:37 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have gone through very similar stuff, so know first that you are normal.

I would focus on developing a tolerant nature toward your sister's success. She shouldn't be blamed for your mother's decision to be more supportive of your her. In addition, there always seems to be another side of the coin when it comes to siblings...something else that is resented or remembered. Nobody's life is perfect, no matter how much support they get.

You don't mention how your relationship with your mother is now. Can these issues be talked about with her? Can you set clear boundaries or commit to yourself that you won't allow yourself to be bullied by your mother as an adult? I find people respond really well to one sentence, repeated as many times as necessary (i.e. "I can't talk about that right now"). Feel free to create a script for family gatherings.

Finally, make sure you're taking care of yourself. As someone who has achieved a reasonable degree of success despite my parents' belittling and craziness, I can say that building up a "chosen family" who loves me for me has given me a whole new perspective on what I now see as the damaged, wounded, and even pitiful status quo of my parents. It's also taught me that I'm important, no matter what, and that's something I feel blessed to have embraced, even later in life.
posted by mynameisluka at 4:47 PM on September 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Some day I will learn to be less ridiculous with the grammer mistakes on Ask Mefi. to be more supportive of your her
posted by mynameisluka at 4:48 PM on September 13, 2009

Your parents still have you by the short hairs. Break free of them by letting go of the anger.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:04 PM on September 13, 2009

... or wounds us and leaves us vulnerable to future dangers of lesser sorts. Maybe your best course of action is to consider them all behind you, but it seems you may not be ready (or aiming for) that yet, if ever.

It may take a while to make things good with your parents, or maybe that will never happen. How is your relationship with your sister? In your short summary of family issues, the only comment on her was that she received the support you wished you had. Do you talk with her? Can you? Maybe she could be the connection you hold to your family, instead of considering them all in the past and creating a wholly new family of friends and supportive people.

(I didn't mean to slight anyone's previous comments, but provide other ideas opposite to them.)
posted by filthy light thief at 5:05 PM on September 13, 2009

Sounds like you've made good progress toward not letting your family write the script for your life. Don't stop now. You feel what you feel. Accept it, process it, and keep moving on. It'll take time, and effort, and even pain, but it's your script you're writing. Yours. Treasure that.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:11 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Your mom tried to control you by discouraging you from using scholarships that you won. Consider this might be her way of controlling your sister, by making her feel like she owes your mom for the huge favor of funding her education abroad. What looks like a gift from your mom might be coming with strings attached and might be motivated by something not too different from what made her bully you about your school choices.
posted by MsMolly at 5:14 PM on September 13, 2009 [13 favorites]

Great question - THANK YOU.

I am not gay or lesbian, but I've pretty much always gravitated towards or ended up in these environments. Why? Because they feel healthy and diverse to me. One
by-product was that my conventional blood-relations didn't feel as close to me, and I experienced similar jealousy towards them in their conventional lives.


You probably already have gifts your parents and siblings can't even dream of.

I'm a nicer person (once I moved beyond their mind-set.) I feel more deeply (kinda always did.) I'm more genuinely generous. My politics and my intellect take issues one or two steps further than the norm, so I actually think stuff through and take the full picture (including their perspectives!) into account.

I wouldn't not be me for one minute.

So fuck that noise. You have more to be appreciative of than you realize. Give it a few years, you'll see...
posted by jbenben at 5:15 PM on September 13, 2009

Oh yeah. This book.

(Because your issue MIGHT go a bit beyond what I mentioned. Don't let the cost deter you. LIBRARY!)
posted by jbenben at 5:18 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have very little in common with your situation, so I claim no authority, I'll just share my musings.

You've succeeded in carving out the space you need to do your own maneuvering, to make your own choices, independent of your parent's influence, but you still have resentments about the forces you've had to wall out. In your case, where it's a significant lingering irritation, I'd talk about it with your sister. For that to make sense though, you have to completely integrate into your thinking the FACT that your sister is not in any way the cause of your distress, she's another pawn in your mother's game. You CAN talk to her about it at that level, asking her thoughts about the game overall. Getting to the specifics of the variation between how that game treats you and her can come, but will take time, and you have to accpept, peacefully, that she may not see it the way you do, and if she doesn't see it that way yet, then you still have to remain steadfast in your acknowledgment that she is NOT the cause of your distress, in any way, fashion or degree. You might get the payoff you're hoping for, some camaraderie as you both navigate this situation inflicted upon both of you, but you might not, at least not on any convenient timetable.

But you may, so I think it's worth the emotional vulnerability you would be putting yourself in. Just be ready to see any disappointments as testaments to your mother's nefariousness instead of evidence of your sister's failings.
posted by NortonDC at 5:59 PM on September 13, 2009

The glorious thing about being completely independent (financially, physically and emotionally) from your parent(s) is that they can't use these things to control you. Your sister is going to be tied and obligated to your parents forever because of the level of support she has received. Your parents are going to be all up in your sister's business for every financial or educational decision that your sister makes. Also, because your sister has always had a big cushy safety net, she's never had to scramble or flounder, which are incredible life skills to have. She's used to being taken care of.

People like you and me, however, having grown up with zero support...you could plunk us down in a strange town by ourselves and we could find jobs and make friends and survive. We don't have to call mommy and daddy to bail us out. We pay our own way. There is a lot to be proud of, living like this.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:10 PM on September 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

I don't think this is about overcoming adversity, or anything like that. I also think that being jealous of your sister and being bitter towards your parents should be totally unrelated matters.

You and your sister are totally different people. Your aren't going to be treated as the same. Don't expect your parents to be fair. They are human, too. Some people have a hard time with their parents and some people have (what seems like to people who had a hard time) an easy time with their parents. Some people are hated, some are loved, some are outcast and some people are coddled.

In the end though, there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your sister. If you are jealous of your sister's abilities or opportunities, address that with her (although this probably isn't the root of your jealousy, based on what you've written). If you think your parents are unfair dickheads, maybe it's time to address that with them?
posted by shownomercy at 6:32 PM on September 13, 2009

Try not to blame your sister for this.

It is a hurtful thing to have your folks display favoritism like this. This isn't about money, this is about love. It's okay to acknowledge the pain of the different treatment. Assuming that you have had a decent relationship with your sister before this, try not to let circumstances mess with the relationship now. I'd imagine that your sister probably feels fairly awkward about the difference in treatment if she has any insight at all.

If you are able to talk calmly with your mom about this, maybe that's a good idea....or maybe not. Regardless, know that what other posters have said is undoubtedly true-you have accomplished much without the support, and I daresay you are the better for it.

But I give you permission (not that you need it from me) to grieve the support you didn't get. Let yourself do that, then move on.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:37 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

The disparity in your parents' treatment of you and your sister sucks, no doubt. It's not fair, and your feelings are normal and understandable. I think giving yourself permission to have moments in which you acknowledge the unfairness and how that makes you feel is important to do, as long as you don't get stuck in that mindset. When crappy & unfair things have happened to me, acknowledging the negative aspects of the situation has enabled me to move onto the positives. For example, there are things you have learned and skills you have developed because you had to be independent and self-sufficient. While having help is always nice, I think knowing you control your universe and you can take care of yourself, if that's what it comes down to, is huge. I'm guessing your sister doesn't have that strong sense of self-reliance because she hasn't needed it yet. The older we get the scarier it is to find yourself without those tools.

Also, it may help to remember that there very well may be a downside for your sister, it's just very different than the difficulties you have had to face. Help never comes without strings. There are expectations and compromises expected, which can be incredibly burdensome. Even the most open, flexible, and supportive parents have ideas about what they want for their children, and that can weigh you down & get in your way at the most inopportune times. I guess what I'm saying is that every situation has good and bad aspects, and even if the situations look drastically different, that is a common thread. Keeping that in mind may help you make peace with the situation and quiet any jealousy that might creep up on you.

Lastly, it sounds like you are doing awesome and have made a good life for yourself. I don't think you would trade that for the emotional blackmail you may have had to contend with if your parents had been more supportive of you and your choices. Your experiences have shaped you, and you sound like a pretty awesome person, so seriously, good for you!
posted by katemcd at 6:37 PM on September 13, 2009

Tomatoes will always taste sweeter to those who sweated and labored over the garden themselves.
posted by thisperon at 6:54 PM on September 13, 2009 [3 favorites]

Parents, like everyone else, can get on a tear about anything or nothing. College majors especially are a huge point of contention. Also, financial situations change. I am the youngest and while my older siblings were offered college tuition, room and board, I waited tables to go to the local school for a time and then finished up later at the school of my choice, on my own dime. Really, this stuff may seem intense now but it fades pretty quick.

For all you know your sister envies and/or looks up to you for your independence and assertiveness. Do you like her? Do you have good memories of her? If you can afford it, go visit her in London - built-in tour guide and all that :-) Have some beers, see the sights, bond. Be her big sister. No doubt she has struggles of her own.
posted by txvtchick at 7:17 PM on September 13, 2009

You know what? It's perfectly natural to feel this way. It's considerate of you to want to shelter your family from these feelings, but try not to let that equal repression.

A gay man, I have flare-ups of bitterness and jealousy toward my sisters and parents too. They take so much for granted in their lives, things that I can't have or have had to really struggle to come to terms with. But there is also no point to making them feel bad -- they aren't doing anything to hurt me, and I refuse to cause them unnecessary pain. No doubt they occasionally feel shame thinking about these things, and don't tell me about it (or at least, I like to imagine they might).

What I try to do with them is be very open when it comes to sharing the details of what made me who I am. It contributes to a more complete picture of me in their minds. I know that whether or not they ever say so, they have a profound respect for me because of the hardship I survived, a lot of it right under their noses.

When you have these feelings, talk about them to someone. Anyone -- it would be awesome if you had a therapist, but sympathetic friends are always great in a pinch, especially for the petty things. Get it off your chest as soon as you can, and then move on to something else.
posted by hermitosis at 8:32 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

You've gotten so much good advice here. I just want to tell you you're not alone.

I have parents who show disproportionate attention and concern for a sibling of mine. They have done nothing to help me achieve my goals, or help me during my long illness. It's not because of gender, it has something to do with decisions I've made to their dismay-- grad school over law school, for instance. Even though I got a phd at a major school without spending a dime-- an achievement of which many parents would be proud-- my parents blame that choice for every problem I've faced subsequently in my life. Because my job prohibits me from living close to them, they've convinced themselves I don't deserve help or compassion for my health problems. Resources heaped upon sibling dwarf anything done for me, and it has been that way since puberty. That's just the beginning. Putting pen to paper, so to speak, makes me realize how truly dysfunctional my family is.

But I've got to tell you, I'm in my 30s, and it is still hard for me to accept the way they treat me. I'm independent, happy and modestly successful, but none of that really fills the gap of acceptance by my family.

Fortunately I have a strong network of friends and friends' parents who know my parents and serve as my surrogate, nurturing family. I tell myself that is my parents must suffer from some kind of sickness to deliberately cause me the pain I do. Perhaps that will give you a way to think of your own situation.

Also, I want to emphasize St. Alia's point: do not let your parents ruin your relationship with your sister. Your sister can't control your parent's actions toward you, and in my case at least, my sibling had bucketloads of miseries dealing with my parents too. I'm not close to my own sibling, but friendly relations with their family means a lot to me.

I wish I had a better answer. I've done what many here have said. I live my life as an ethical and independent adult. I put relationships with loved ones-- not always blood relations-- first. I've determined what abuse from my parents I will tolerate and I do not let them cross that line.

I hope knowing you are not alone, and knowing that you are not a bad person for distancing yourself from your family, if you so choose, does not make you one.
posted by vincele at 8:50 PM on September 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Well, I don't know how often you hear this, so I'll say it: your feelings are not irrational. You got the short end of the stick, for no good reason, and that absolutely sucks.

So, just do this: the person who gave you the short end of the stick is your mother, not your sister. If your positions were reversed, you would take the support your mother offered. Even though you would feel bad for your sister, there wouldn't be anything you could do to fix it without harming yourself.

In short, you have to learn how to deal with your feelings about your mother, knowing that those feelings are legitimate and in many ways appropriate. The feelings of jealousy with your sister are also understandable given the circumstances, but they'll likely fade pretty quickly as you learn to deal with the very specific and factual things that your mother did to short-change you. Professional help will be perfect for helping you with this one thing -- because it is only one thing, really: coming to terms with the woman who raised you treating you like crap.

And of course, at the end of the day, you have accomplished a great deal despite her, and in ways you may not be able to recognize right now, because of her, too. The life you live and the person you are count more, and for much longer in your life (which will be longer than your mom's, most likely) than anything she did to thwart you.

Good luck.
posted by davejay at 8:53 PM on September 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am the younger sister in a very similar relationship with my family. Because I've had everything practically handed to me in comparison to my older sister, I greatly admire her gumption and strength in the adversity she has faced. Please know that your younger sister probably views you in the same light.

One thing that always bothered me with the situation, is that in the past, my sister always made her jealousy known to me. She wasn't necessarily obvious about it, and I believe it was just a subconscious tick (oh, that thing that you have is neat...where'd you get it from? Mom and dad? I want one of those...*wistful look/eyeroll*)...but it still hurt because I know that the statement was backed up with mounting resentment. It made me feel as though I didn't deserve the things I had, or the treatment I got, even though those parts of my life were completely out of my control. I eventually realized that there was no need to apologize for the life I was given. Watch the things you say or the tone you use with her about these things, she can't help having the life she was given, and it would be selfish to expect her to dull her shine to appease you. I guess my sister realized this because she no longer speaks to me in that manner, and our relationship has blossomed because of it.

Also know that, as many others have already said, there are huge drawbacks to being the favored sibling that you may not have realized. I'm sure they're different for everybody, but they exist, and are nothing to sniff at. With my situation, my family expects perfection from me which I rarely deliver.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 10:17 PM on September 13, 2009

Advice from an old lady: do whatever it takes to get this out of you and done with. Some things can fester for a life time if not dealt with. You don't want this still hanging around when you're 40 or so. Any support groups around where you could talk this out with help from someone trained in psych? Not just bitch sessions, but talk therapy where you can express, learn to understand fully, and learn to control/let go of these feelings.

I think you've done very well for yourself, esp standing up for your right to be a whole person.
posted by x46 at 5:48 AM on September 14, 2009