Inattentive ADD and oh wow check out the skin on my toe...
August 7, 2009 11:08 AM Subscribe
If you or your child received a diagnosis of inattentive-type ADD, I have questions... (yes, I searched...)
My therapist and psychiatrist recently independently concluded that it is likely that I have suffered (if you will) with undiagnosed ADD-inattentive type since childhood. We probably are not going to move forward with taking the actual diagnostic assessments because they are so expensive and I've been compensating reasonably well, and, well, I'm old. Feel free to comment if you have benefited strongly from interventions/ treatments for this in adulthood.
My 7 yr old son, however, is exhibiting much of the same traits and I am considering having him tested even though, so far, he is doing okay in school. He just finished first grade which, I think, was more accommodating of his tendencies than second, third, fourth etc.. will be.
His teacher has observed that he seems to daydream and have trouble finishing work from time to time or he works very slowly, yet he's in the higher reading and advanced math groups.
He seems to exist between two extremes of hyperfocus and/ or lack of focus. I observe a lot of this at home. He can spend hours building robots but forget that I asked him 50 times to do x, y, or z. He is constantly losing things that are hiding in plain sight, the other day he wore two pairs of underwear b/c he forgot to take the old pair off when he put on the clean pair (this happens a lot.)
I've noticed during activities like certain sports it seems as though things are happening too fast for him- he'll get in a really good play in soccer if he can see the action coming towards him (defense) but once he's "in play" he can't seem to visually/ mentally keep up with the changing action. He stops and looks confused- sort of like he's thinking "now where did that ball go now?" And then an interesting blade of grass will catch his eye... and then... huh? what? soccer?
Taken separately I realize these things seem like normal 7 yr old absentmindedness but this is the very short list and these things happen constantly. Even he has reported that sometimes when I'm talking to him it's "like a blur" or like he can't follow... and I'm not a lecturer, shouter, or rambler... we have a very close relationship. I don't henpeck him and I have most definitely not mentioned that I am concerned or that there may be a problem.
These behaviors and reports remind me of when I was a kid- constantly being yelled at/ punished for forgetting something/ not paying attention/ losing things... which, looking back, seem to be, among others (feelings of separateness, living in my head), the symptoms of ADD.
So, if you have discovered or are just discovering that your child might or does have inattentive-type ADD:
How did you arrive at this conclusion/ diagnosis?
How do you plan on handling it?
If you were diagnosed as a child- what worked for you?
I am trying to decide what and how much to observe before asking for a formal assessment. Right now it seems there is not an official need at school b/c he did okay in first grade. I do think it's possible that it may be causing social challenges- nothing too major- but it is hard form him to jump into any play that's moving too fast or has too many rules. Physically, it seems as though he's coordinated- the difficulty really seems to be mental/ reaction time/ picking up a feel for things...
sorry to go on for so long... trying to provide detail. thanks.
My therapist and psychiatrist recently independently concluded that it is likely that I have suffered (if you will) with undiagnosed ADD-inattentive type since childhood. We probably are not going to move forward with taking the actual diagnostic assessments because they are so expensive and I've been compensating reasonably well, and, well, I'm old. Feel free to comment if you have benefited strongly from interventions/ treatments for this in adulthood.
My 7 yr old son, however, is exhibiting much of the same traits and I am considering having him tested even though, so far, he is doing okay in school. He just finished first grade which, I think, was more accommodating of his tendencies than second, third, fourth etc.. will be.
His teacher has observed that he seems to daydream and have trouble finishing work from time to time or he works very slowly, yet he's in the higher reading and advanced math groups.
He seems to exist between two extremes of hyperfocus and/ or lack of focus. I observe a lot of this at home. He can spend hours building robots but forget that I asked him 50 times to do x, y, or z. He is constantly losing things that are hiding in plain sight, the other day he wore two pairs of underwear b/c he forgot to take the old pair off when he put on the clean pair (this happens a lot.)
I've noticed during activities like certain sports it seems as though things are happening too fast for him- he'll get in a really good play in soccer if he can see the action coming towards him (defense) but once he's "in play" he can't seem to visually/ mentally keep up with the changing action. He stops and looks confused- sort of like he's thinking "now where did that ball go now?" And then an interesting blade of grass will catch his eye... and then... huh? what? soccer?
Taken separately I realize these things seem like normal 7 yr old absentmindedness but this is the very short list and these things happen constantly. Even he has reported that sometimes when I'm talking to him it's "like a blur" or like he can't follow... and I'm not a lecturer, shouter, or rambler... we have a very close relationship. I don't henpeck him and I have most definitely not mentioned that I am concerned or that there may be a problem.
These behaviors and reports remind me of when I was a kid- constantly being yelled at/ punished for forgetting something/ not paying attention/ losing things... which, looking back, seem to be, among others (feelings of separateness, living in my head), the symptoms of ADD.
So, if you have discovered or are just discovering that your child might or does have inattentive-type ADD:
How did you arrive at this conclusion/ diagnosis?
How do you plan on handling it?
If you were diagnosed as a child- what worked for you?
I am trying to decide what and how much to observe before asking for a formal assessment. Right now it seems there is not an official need at school b/c he did okay in first grade. I do think it's possible that it may be causing social challenges- nothing too major- but it is hard form him to jump into any play that's moving too fast or has too many rules. Physically, it seems as though he's coordinated- the difficulty really seems to be mental/ reaction time/ picking up a feel for things...
sorry to go on for so long... trying to provide detail. thanks.
Response by poster: gracefully: thanks very much for your feedback and the recommendation. I was hoping some folks in the field would respond.
Would you kindly describe/ characterize/ give examples of the differences between a child who you believe has an accurate ADD-inattentive diagnosis vs. one who may have been misdiagnosed? This would be so helpful. The literature I'm reading right now lists diagnostic traits that everyone exhibits from time to time...
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 11:40 AM on August 7, 2009
Would you kindly describe/ characterize/ give examples of the differences between a child who you believe has an accurate ADD-inattentive diagnosis vs. one who may have been misdiagnosed? This would be so helpful. The literature I'm reading right now lists diagnostic traits that everyone exhibits from time to time...
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 11:40 AM on August 7, 2009
I had it as a kid. My (now 16 year old) child has been officially diagnosed with it. We had him tested so that we could get him out of the public school system and placed in a special school for those with such diagnoses. He was given a hard time in the public schools because he was "different." The special school respects differences and this has allowed him to thrive.
My own belief is that ADD and other such diagnoses (e.g. non-verbal learning disability) are part of normal variation and not necessarily disabilities at all but that the "system" pathologizes and/or blames those who aren't the same as everyone else.
There are a lot of books and organizations which are concerned with so-called learning disabilities now (as opposed to when I was a kid). My son would have avoided a lot of difficulties had we attend to his differences early on, i.e. when he was 7.
posted by Obscure Reference at 11:40 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
My own belief is that ADD and other such diagnoses (e.g. non-verbal learning disability) are part of normal variation and not necessarily disabilities at all but that the "system" pathologizes and/or blames those who aren't the same as everyone else.
There are a lot of books and organizations which are concerned with so-called learning disabilities now (as opposed to when I was a kid). My son would have avoided a lot of difficulties had we attend to his differences early on, i.e. when he was 7.
posted by Obscure Reference at 11:40 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Speaking specifically to ADD, inattentive-type, one thing that I see A LOT is anxiety that's misinterpreted as inattention. A kid who is anxious (anywhere from simply being afraid of a bully or homework or a teacher, to having intrusive or more obsessive-type thoughts like "if I don't tap my pencil on the desk 8 times at the start of each hour, it will make grandma die") often looks like a kid who's not paying attention, if he isn't sharing about the anxiety with a teacher or parent. Some level of school refusal/avoidance is common if it's anxiety, but it's not necessarily always there.
Some other possibilities could be audial or visual processing differences, which would make it hard for a kid to understand a teacher or parent who only gives instructions in a specific way (like speaking a list of instructions aloud, or only writing homework on the board instead of saying it out loud and writing it down); a kid might not be capable of maintaining a list of 7 steps in his head without any written prompt, or may not be able to focus on a written list as well as he can understand spoken directions. Even more serious learning differences/disabilities could cause "inattention"-lookalike symptoms.
If you have any specific questions or would like to continue a discussion, feel free to MeMail me. :)
posted by so_gracefully at 12:07 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Some other possibilities could be audial or visual processing differences, which would make it hard for a kid to understand a teacher or parent who only gives instructions in a specific way (like speaking a list of instructions aloud, or only writing homework on the board instead of saying it out loud and writing it down); a kid might not be capable of maintaining a list of 7 steps in his head without any written prompt, or may not be able to focus on a written list as well as he can understand spoken directions. Even more serious learning differences/disabilities could cause "inattention"-lookalike symptoms.
If you have any specific questions or would like to continue a discussion, feel free to MeMail me. :)
posted by so_gracefully at 12:07 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
In our experience, second grade was when inattentive-type ADD started causing real trouble in school. My son's second grade teacher was unable to get him to do any of his schoolwork and sent it home for me to make him do each night (the stress of which triggered an autoimmune disease for me that will be a lifelong problem). When I asked him about his work, he knew all of the material, so it would have been a disaster to make him repeat the grade, but he was unable to write down any of his work unless I was sitting in front of him. We went for the lengthy diagnostic assessments, but, while waiting for the appointment, ended up accepting the pediatrician's offer of medication, which provided an amazing instant "cure" the very first day, after which the diagnosis was no surprise.
I think it's not unreasonable for you to put off the testing for yourself, but if you can manage it at all, the testing will be invaluable for your son. It's very difficult to be certain what the issue is without the testing, and you absolutely do not want to be treating something he does not have, while possibly ignoring something that he does. Our son's testing (at the Learning Support Center at the children's hospital) took four hours, and we were told it would take another day if the results were not clear; it would have cost over a thousand dollars if we had not had health insurance. I felt that spending that money ourselves would have been a far better investment in his education than saving it for college, though. In the absence of appropriate treatment, a child with this sort of problem will go through a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Among all the books I read about ADD, the one I found most helpful was Russell Barkley's Taking Charge of ADHD. There are a lot of useful accommodations that can be made. I printed up little feedback notes for my son's teacher to fill out at several time points during each day, so that we could tell whether he was improving, and, once he was on medication, whether the dosage was correct. I gave him a small treat (a Pokemon trading card) for each note, so he wouldn't be afraid to hand me a bad note, and he saved up the points he earned on the notes for a game he wanted. There were a lot of useful ideas in the book, such as asking his elementary school teachers to get his attention by touching him on the shoulder before issuing an important instruction. As it happened, he needed all of this in addition to medication. He is doing well now at a very demanding high school.
posted by Ery at 12:49 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think it's not unreasonable for you to put off the testing for yourself, but if you can manage it at all, the testing will be invaluable for your son. It's very difficult to be certain what the issue is without the testing, and you absolutely do not want to be treating something he does not have, while possibly ignoring something that he does. Our son's testing (at the Learning Support Center at the children's hospital) took four hours, and we were told it would take another day if the results were not clear; it would have cost over a thousand dollars if we had not had health insurance. I felt that spending that money ourselves would have been a far better investment in his education than saving it for college, though. In the absence of appropriate treatment, a child with this sort of problem will go through a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Among all the books I read about ADD, the one I found most helpful was Russell Barkley's Taking Charge of ADHD. There are a lot of useful accommodations that can be made. I printed up little feedback notes for my son's teacher to fill out at several time points during each day, so that we could tell whether he was improving, and, once he was on medication, whether the dosage was correct. I gave him a small treat (a Pokemon trading card) for each note, so he wouldn't be afraid to hand me a bad note, and he saved up the points he earned on the notes for a game he wanted. There were a lot of useful ideas in the book, such as asking his elementary school teachers to get his attention by touching him on the shoulder before issuing an important instruction. As it happened, he needed all of this in addition to medication. He is doing well now at a very demanding high school.
posted by Ery at 12:49 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have inattentive-type ADD, but was not officially diagnosed and treated until the spring of my last year of college. Your son sounds a lot like me as a child. My desk was a mess, my mom was always having to pay for textbooks I'd misplaced, and probably half of the school's lost & found stash was stuff I'd forgotten on the playground.
I wish I had been diagnosed earlier. I can understand why I wasn't. People expect ADD to manifest itself in the academic realm, and by most metrics I've done very well academically. I ranked tenth in my high school class of 800, I aced every standardized test I ever took, and I graduated from an excellent university. I can see how those wary of medicating kids would consider me a low priority, and find ADD treatment to be unnecessary or even greedy.
But I was just barely holding it together that whole time. I think teachers saw me as a smart, ambitious kid who was absentminded but mostly just lazy. Even spoiled - the type of student who'd manipulate the system to pull her grade up 30 points at the last minute. They didn't see how hard I was struggling, how badly I wanted to get it together and do well, and how baffled I was that it seemed so easy for everyone else. Most of all, my self-image was battered and distorted after years of letting everyone down, myself included, despite my best intentions. I used to say that I was "bewildered by my own behavior." I blamed myself and everyone else did, too.
I've heard many people, usually those without ADD, helpfully share their opinion that (to paraphrase Obscure Reference) that ADD is just a normal variation pathologized by the system. I think that is true in some cases, and maybe mine is more severe than most. But my symptoms affect not just school and work but almost every aspect of my life, including my direct experience of it (which is one thing I didn't realize until I started taking meds). It's not pleasant to be unable to focus on anything, to spend a sunny afternoon stuck in your apartment pacing back and forth, sitting down, picking up a crossword, putting it down and standing back up, glancing at the undone dishes and shuddering, pulling out some ingredients for dinner and then getting distracted by the cat, deciding to take a shower and then suddenly realizing you stood up your friend for lunch. I was unable to enjoy things in the moment unless I was utterly immersed in them (hyperfocused). I don't think I even knew what it meant to be happy, because even when I was, part of me was impatient, wanting to move on to the next thing, the next thing, how long until the next thing?
Feel free to comment if you have benefited strongly from interventions/ treatments for this in adulthood.
My mom's 66 and has started taking meds in the past year, and oh boy are they helping her. Whether or not you think treatment would be beneficial for you is its own question, but I don't think your age should be the deciding factor.
posted by granted at 1:32 PM on August 7, 2009 [14 favorites]
I wish I had been diagnosed earlier. I can understand why I wasn't. People expect ADD to manifest itself in the academic realm, and by most metrics I've done very well academically. I ranked tenth in my high school class of 800, I aced every standardized test I ever took, and I graduated from an excellent university. I can see how those wary of medicating kids would consider me a low priority, and find ADD treatment to be unnecessary or even greedy.
But I was just barely holding it together that whole time. I think teachers saw me as a smart, ambitious kid who was absentminded but mostly just lazy. Even spoiled - the type of student who'd manipulate the system to pull her grade up 30 points at the last minute. They didn't see how hard I was struggling, how badly I wanted to get it together and do well, and how baffled I was that it seemed so easy for everyone else. Most of all, my self-image was battered and distorted after years of letting everyone down, myself included, despite my best intentions. I used to say that I was "bewildered by my own behavior." I blamed myself and everyone else did, too.
I've heard many people, usually those without ADD, helpfully share their opinion that (to paraphrase Obscure Reference) that ADD is just a normal variation pathologized by the system. I think that is true in some cases, and maybe mine is more severe than most. But my symptoms affect not just school and work but almost every aspect of my life, including my direct experience of it (which is one thing I didn't realize until I started taking meds). It's not pleasant to be unable to focus on anything, to spend a sunny afternoon stuck in your apartment pacing back and forth, sitting down, picking up a crossword, putting it down and standing back up, glancing at the undone dishes and shuddering, pulling out some ingredients for dinner and then getting distracted by the cat, deciding to take a shower and then suddenly realizing you stood up your friend for lunch. I was unable to enjoy things in the moment unless I was utterly immersed in them (hyperfocused). I don't think I even knew what it meant to be happy, because even when I was, part of me was impatient, wanting to move on to the next thing, the next thing, how long until the next thing?
Feel free to comment if you have benefited strongly from interventions/ treatments for this in adulthood.
My mom's 66 and has started taking meds in the past year, and oh boy are they helping her. Whether or not you think treatment would be beneficial for you is its own question, but I don't think your age should be the deciding factor.
posted by granted at 1:32 PM on August 7, 2009 [14 favorites]
Response by poster: granted, you just described me. I'll be memailing you.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 1:36 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 1:36 PM on August 7, 2009
If you suspect ADD, inattentive or hyperactive type, seek a diagnosis for him now (and get a second opinion).
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 23, in college and struggling to manage things that seemed effortless for my classmates. Because I'm intelligent and breezed through my early education, nobody suspected anything was amiss even though I had difficulties that I now know are common to people with ADD. People just thought I was a flake, or forgetful, or whatever. As a result, I don't have a lot of good coping mechanisms. Maybe if someone had noticed when I was in elementary school I would be having an easier time with my early adulthood. Maybe high school would have been less traumatic. Seek the diagnosis now so he can develop the mechanisms he needs. And if he doesn't have it? Then you know!
posted by Aleen at 1:40 PM on August 7, 2009
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 23, in college and struggling to manage things that seemed effortless for my classmates. Because I'm intelligent and breezed through my early education, nobody suspected anything was amiss even though I had difficulties that I now know are common to people with ADD. People just thought I was a flake, or forgetful, or whatever. As a result, I don't have a lot of good coping mechanisms. Maybe if someone had noticed when I was in elementary school I would be having an easier time with my early adulthood. Maybe high school would have been less traumatic. Seek the diagnosis now so he can develop the mechanisms he needs. And if he doesn't have it? Then you know!
posted by Aleen at 1:40 PM on August 7, 2009
Actually, granted's experience sounds a lot like me, too.
posted by Aleen at 1:41 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by Aleen at 1:41 PM on August 7, 2009
There's a lot of theory behind the testing and different scores on different tests are supposed to be distinguishing ADD from rebelliousness and from plain old anxiety, but I never found the arguments behind the theory convincing. For one, having ADD can make you anxious and can make you want to rebel and being anxious can affect concentration, and so forth. This doesn't mean that I don't believe that there's a real problem that should be addressed. Merely that people like to give names to things to make them sound like they know more about it than they actually do.
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:04 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:04 PM on August 7, 2009
granted sounds like me as well. I was just diagnosed at 40 after I'd gotten to the point of not being able to function at work. I'm still doing the medication mambo, trying to figure out what works for me, but it's already so much better than it was.
My epiphany:
I was talking to one of the school psychiatrists who were screening my daughter for Asperger's. They wanted to consider an additional diagnosis of ADHD. I couldn't see it. After all, my daughter will sit for hours and read, play on the computer, watch movies...she doesn't fidget and she's not one of those kids who seem to have unbounded, unfocused energy. In short, she was nothing like what I thought ADD kids were like.
At one point I mentioned my daughter's love of reading and the fact that she'll read for hours. The psychologist looked at me and said, "Yes, but those are things that she's interested in. With reading assignments in class, on subjects she's not interested in, she has trouble maintaining focus and getting through the text."
I said, "Yeah, but it's always hard to read stuff that you're not interested in. Isn't everybody that way?" My husband looked at me and said, "No. They're not."
OH. Huh.
It was eventually decided that my daughter's problem focusing is probably more related to her Asperger's than ADD. However, my son likely does have ADD (both hyperactive and inattentive). We haven't had him officially diagnosed yet. He's just beginning second grade and while he's had some problems in school, his grades haven't been adversely affected. We will probably get an official diagnosis this year, largely because the school won't put accommodations in place for him unless there's an official diagnosis--and he's going to need the accommodations. Medication is trickier because my husband is not at all in favor of it and I, despite being on meds myself, am wary because he's already small for his age and I worry about the growth issues connected with stimulant use in kids.
I'm very interested in the other answers that you'll get to this question, since your situation is much like ours.
posted by elfgirl at 2:27 PM on August 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
My epiphany:
I was talking to one of the school psychiatrists who were screening my daughter for Asperger's. They wanted to consider an additional diagnosis of ADHD. I couldn't see it. After all, my daughter will sit for hours and read, play on the computer, watch movies...she doesn't fidget and she's not one of those kids who seem to have unbounded, unfocused energy. In short, she was nothing like what I thought ADD kids were like.
At one point I mentioned my daughter's love of reading and the fact that she'll read for hours. The psychologist looked at me and said, "Yes, but those are things that she's interested in. With reading assignments in class, on subjects she's not interested in, she has trouble maintaining focus and getting through the text."
I said, "Yeah, but it's always hard to read stuff that you're not interested in. Isn't everybody that way?" My husband looked at me and said, "No. They're not."
OH. Huh.
It was eventually decided that my daughter's problem focusing is probably more related to her Asperger's than ADD. However, my son likely does have ADD (both hyperactive and inattentive). We haven't had him officially diagnosed yet. He's just beginning second grade and while he's had some problems in school, his grades haven't been adversely affected. We will probably get an official diagnosis this year, largely because the school won't put accommodations in place for him unless there's an official diagnosis--and he's going to need the accommodations. Medication is trickier because my husband is not at all in favor of it and I, despite being on meds myself, am wary because he's already small for his age and I worry about the growth issues connected with stimulant use in kids.
I'm very interested in the other answers that you'll get to this question, since your situation is much like ours.
posted by elfgirl at 2:27 PM on August 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
Have you considered martial arts for you son? It might be a better "fit" than soccer, or even another activity to do alongside. The goal is "to do your best," so you can work at your own pace without holding back your teammates. Generally, kids' martial arts classes are mixed ages/ abilities, so the more experienced students help the newer ones. Social expectations are more explicit than in soccer. For instance, you bow to your teacher at the start and end of class, and you help your peers when asked. In addition, martial arts does wonders for reaction times and concentration. There are times when students really must be 100% focused, but there is usually warning, and it's a great way to practice getting into hyper focus. Plus, there are fewer distractions in a gym-like environment than at a soccer match. Finally, there are great "life lessons" that apply outside the martial arts studio, such as respecting figures of authority, working hard, being patient, and always doing your best.
MeMail me if you would like the name of a fantastic martial arts studio in your area.
posted by oceano at 7:56 PM on August 7, 2009
MeMail me if you would like the name of a fantastic martial arts studio in your area.
posted by oceano at 7:56 PM on August 7, 2009
I have inattentive ADD. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult but I remember being much the same as some of the other posters in this thread during my school years.
What I can recommend is let him/help him find his own things that help. I need post-it notes and a system of email and text reminders to get through my day. Other people I know use a PDA with an ongoing to do list but no timed reminders - they acquired a habit of just checking the PDA constantly. Others use note cards, or voicemail reminders, or a calendar book, or any/all of the above.
Even with medication, he'll probably need some kind of system. Help him find his own, and don't be surprised if it's different from the ones you've acquired. If something doesn't work or click after a few months, remind him that it's okay, help him try not to get frustrated and put it aside and try it again later. It may change a few times as he grows up. I used to lose things all the time and couldn't depend on anything more expensive than note cards, now I don't at all and can depend on a phone.
Convenience may help with chores. If I have to get up to throw away paper, it lives on my desk for weeks, if not months. If the wastebasket is close, it goes in right away.
Egg timers can be helpful. Especially with "I'll get to it in a second!" Or a watch alarm or a phone alarm or whatever. Something that makes a nice annoying distracting noise.
Don't nag. Don't accuse. Don't yell. (Not saying you would, but people are flawed.) Remember that he may not be aware of time and may not realize that you asked him six times and he said "uh-huh, okay" six times. It is an automatic reaction and sometimes we're not even aware of it.
Martial arts may help. They may not. A child who is physically uncoordinated may reach a frustration level that they have a hard time controlling very quickly. They may learn to overcome it, or they may just be miserable and resentful. Frustration levels are a commonplace thing for folks (not just kids!) with ADD. Let him try if he wants, but don't force it. Also consider a non-contact martial art if he's wary of getting hit. Frustration management is hard when you're an adult and another adult with control is hitting you. When it's another kid who may be a little shit, it's harder. (Note: I take a high-contact martial art. I love it. It's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with it not being for everyone.)
Some other things that may work just as well: Dance. Music. Drama/Theatre. Art. Gymnastics. Archery. Anything that requires both body control and mental attention and emotional control may be just as effective as martial arts.
posted by FritoKAL at 2:13 AM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
What I can recommend is let him/help him find his own things that help. I need post-it notes and a system of email and text reminders to get through my day. Other people I know use a PDA with an ongoing to do list but no timed reminders - they acquired a habit of just checking the PDA constantly. Others use note cards, or voicemail reminders, or a calendar book, or any/all of the above.
Even with medication, he'll probably need some kind of system. Help him find his own, and don't be surprised if it's different from the ones you've acquired. If something doesn't work or click after a few months, remind him that it's okay, help him try not to get frustrated and put it aside and try it again later. It may change a few times as he grows up. I used to lose things all the time and couldn't depend on anything more expensive than note cards, now I don't at all and can depend on a phone.
Convenience may help with chores. If I have to get up to throw away paper, it lives on my desk for weeks, if not months. If the wastebasket is close, it goes in right away.
Egg timers can be helpful. Especially with "I'll get to it in a second!" Or a watch alarm or a phone alarm or whatever. Something that makes a nice annoying distracting noise.
Don't nag. Don't accuse. Don't yell. (Not saying you would, but people are flawed.) Remember that he may not be aware of time and may not realize that you asked him six times and he said "uh-huh, okay" six times. It is an automatic reaction and sometimes we're not even aware of it.
Martial arts may help. They may not. A child who is physically uncoordinated may reach a frustration level that they have a hard time controlling very quickly. They may learn to overcome it, or they may just be miserable and resentful. Frustration levels are a commonplace thing for folks (not just kids!) with ADD. Let him try if he wants, but don't force it. Also consider a non-contact martial art if he's wary of getting hit. Frustration management is hard when you're an adult and another adult with control is hitting you. When it's another kid who may be a little shit, it's harder. (Note: I take a high-contact martial art. I love it. It's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with it not being for everyone.)
Some other things that may work just as well: Dance. Music. Drama/Theatre. Art. Gymnastics. Archery. Anything that requires both body control and mental attention and emotional control may be just as effective as martial arts.
posted by FritoKAL at 2:13 AM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
Jebus, these are all exactly me. And, coincidentally, was diagnosed with ADHD-I in my thirties.
(Funny story: I had taken ADHD questionairres in the past, and never really "pegged the needle". The questionairre that the doctor gave me was similar, but also had examples of the behaviors listed. When I, inattentive person that I am, had previously taken the tests, I didn't pay enough attention to visualize each scenario. But with the examples, I could easily see how each scenario existed in my life. And I indeed pegged the needle with that one.)
I would absolutely, positively recommend:
1- A second diagnosis just to make sure.
2- Treatment.
2a- Medicinal treatment if necessary.
2b- But behavioral, and life skills type of treatment as well. The medicine restores the ability to focus, but not the desire or tools to manage life. Without a full plan of attack, success goes down.
These examples are not "oh, the drug companies are just drugging up little wonderful Fauntelroy." These are people (like me) with a disorder that makes living life incredibly difficult. If someone truely has ADHD, and takes medication for it, they aren't being "drugged up" or some how over-pacified. They are simply taking a medication that helps bring normalcy to their lives- that allows them to live their lives at their full potential. Same way you can't tell someone with depression to just buck-up, kiddo, you can't tell someone with ADHD to just work harder at concentrating. It's like saying "work harder at learning to grow a tail."
posted by gjc at 6:58 AM on August 8, 2009
(Funny story: I had taken ADHD questionairres in the past, and never really "pegged the needle". The questionairre that the doctor gave me was similar, but also had examples of the behaviors listed. When I, inattentive person that I am, had previously taken the tests, I didn't pay enough attention to visualize each scenario. But with the examples, I could easily see how each scenario existed in my life. And I indeed pegged the needle with that one.)
I would absolutely, positively recommend:
1- A second diagnosis just to make sure.
2- Treatment.
2a- Medicinal treatment if necessary.
2b- But behavioral, and life skills type of treatment as well. The medicine restores the ability to focus, but not the desire or tools to manage life. Without a full plan of attack, success goes down.
These examples are not "oh, the drug companies are just drugging up little wonderful Fauntelroy." These are people (like me) with a disorder that makes living life incredibly difficult. If someone truely has ADHD, and takes medication for it, they aren't being "drugged up" or some how over-pacified. They are simply taking a medication that helps bring normalcy to their lives- that allows them to live their lives at their full potential. Same way you can't tell someone with depression to just buck-up, kiddo, you can't tell someone with ADHD to just work harder at concentrating. It's like saying "work harder at learning to grow a tail."
posted by gjc at 6:58 AM on August 8, 2009
I didn't remember to mention it above, but I highly recommend Driven To Distraction. It is one of the best books on AD(H)D out there. It ties together all the threads of ADD (including behaviors that you might not have ever realized might be related) and it gives good suggestions when it comes to techniques and tips for people with ADD--kids, teenagers, and adults.
I've also recently bought ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. I haven't gotten to read it yet, but it is also highly recommended and I'm hoping it will make this school year a little less stressful for the kids AND me. (We already missed one child's Meet and Greet because I repeatedly misread the time schedule. Confirmation that it was Just Me: no other parent misunderstood it as it was written. *sigh*)
And, one other thing (and then I'm going--I swear!), tagging on what FritoKAL and others have said: my son has really enjoyed the after-school martial arts class we've had him in. He's about to start his third year. We chose it initially because The Boy had real body control and personal space issues, and the class was billed as a cross between karate and yoga, which we thought would help with those things. It also fit the suggestions of some of the school psychologists (essentially, non-team sports > team sports). It's turned out to be a godsend. If you think it's something your son would enjoy, I'd really suggest trying it out.
posted by elfgirl at 7:02 AM on August 8, 2009
I've also recently bought ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. I haven't gotten to read it yet, but it is also highly recommended and I'm hoping it will make this school year a little less stressful for the kids AND me. (We already missed one child's Meet and Greet because I repeatedly misread the time schedule. Confirmation that it was Just Me: no other parent misunderstood it as it was written. *sigh*)
And, one other thing (and then I'm going--I swear!), tagging on what FritoKAL and others have said: my son has really enjoyed the after-school martial arts class we've had him in. He's about to start his third year. We chose it initially because The Boy had real body control and personal space issues, and the class was billed as a cross between karate and yoga, which we thought would help with those things. It also fit the suggestions of some of the school psychologists (essentially, non-team sports > team sports). It's turned out to be a godsend. If you think it's something your son would enjoy, I'd really suggest trying it out.
posted by elfgirl at 7:02 AM on August 8, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone. Your thoughtful responses have exceeded my expectations.
I, too, have lived with an uneasy sense that there are things that I just don't "get" that seem to come so easily to others. And I've compensated, but not with systems and reminders- I would need so much help to establish and follow those structures- because, until now, I've just stumbled along relying on smarts and luck yet always feeling badly about my flakiness, distractedness, laziness (that attribution has always hurt me the worst)... in self-defense I've referred to myself as a dilettante and have hidden professionally in the sciences which are often more forgiving of a certain level of absentmindedness. Nonetheless, I have a healthy case of imposter syndrome most of the time.
Anyway, I can see how important it is to make sure my son is properly evaluated by vetted specialists, and if it turns out he has this disorder, we will BOTH need training on structure because for sure I am not modeling this for him. How can I teach him to organize himself when the concept still eludes me? Piles everywhere, papers falling out of my briefcase, notes on receipts, apologizing for missed appts, lost permission slips, you get the picture...
THANKS again.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:24 AM on August 8, 2009
I, too, have lived with an uneasy sense that there are things that I just don't "get" that seem to come so easily to others. And I've compensated, but not with systems and reminders- I would need so much help to establish and follow those structures- because, until now, I've just stumbled along relying on smarts and luck yet always feeling badly about my flakiness, distractedness, laziness (that attribution has always hurt me the worst)... in self-defense I've referred to myself as a dilettante and have hidden professionally in the sciences which are often more forgiving of a certain level of absentmindedness. Nonetheless, I have a healthy case of imposter syndrome most of the time.
Anyway, I can see how important it is to make sure my son is properly evaluated by vetted specialists, and if it turns out he has this disorder, we will BOTH need training on structure because for sure I am not modeling this for him. How can I teach him to organize himself when the concept still eludes me? Piles everywhere, papers falling out of my briefcase, notes on receipts, apologizing for missed appts, lost permission slips, you get the picture...
THANKS again.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:24 AM on August 8, 2009
Response by poster: That would be crucial for me- someone else would have to design the routines for/ with me, at least at first. My brain overheats, shuts down, and anxiety rules the roost when I attempt to do it myself.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:35 AM on August 8, 2009
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:35 AM on August 8, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would also like to recommend that, if you do get a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD from one person, going to at least 1 other type of mental health professional to confirm it can be helpful. These disorders are so wildly overdiagnosed, and I see kids who have been diagnosed by psychiatrists or pediatricians, but as a therapist, I do not see the actual traits of the disorder in their behavior or life. Second opinions on ADD/ADHD are worth their weight in gold, if it means not having to put your kid through the labeling and meds process. Psychologists trained in ADD/ADHD assessment, and other MH professionals who actually do a good amount of clinical work with kids with those types of issues, are the most reliable to diagnose it. There is a great book called Good Friends are Hard to Find that is really useful for parents who have kids with some "joining in"/social interaction difficulties--it details some specific strategies for kids to use.
posted by so_gracefully at 11:31 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]