Help me push the reset button on this friendship.
July 9, 2009 11:22 AM Subscribe
I faded out messily from a long-distance friend's life a year ago - he sent emails, called, etc., while I was too busy and guilty to respond. I'd like to reconnect. What's the most gracious way to do this?
I'm a 17-year-old female, he's 19. We met four years ago and got along really well, mostly because we were both super-nerds in a fairly unintellectual town. I moved three years ago. We kept in touch through email for the first two years, but with decreasing regularity on my end until I wasn't responding at all. The new life and new friends I'd made displaced our old friendship; academic work kept me busy, and guilt about not responding made me...even worse about responding, especially since his emails to me were always so elaborate and well thought out. ("Since it's been so long since I last wrote, this email has to be really insightful and fantastic...let me procrastinate on writing it." I handled this pretty badly!) It didn't help that we were both reticent about our personal lives (being, you know, super-nerds) and there wasn't much chemistry to sustain the friendship after our intellectual interests started to diverge. The death rattle of the relationship went on for months - my last email was a year ago, he last called me six months ago - and there was never any closure: I still feel really guilty, and for all I know he might still feel hurt.
I don't want to leave things as they are. Ideally, I'd clear out the baggage and reestablish a friendship, since he's a really interesting guy; in worst case, at least I'd provide some closure. So far I can think of two different approaches to take:
Option 1: Send a really informal email - "hey, haven't talked to you in a really long time, I've been doing blah, what's up?"
Option 2: Be serious. Send what I've written above (modified, obviously) in an email and apologize, ask him how he's been, and maybe link to an essay I wrote a while ago that gives a pretty good picture of what's important to me right now.
Which one should I take? Am I missing something better? I don't want to get mired too much in the past, but I don't know how much I need to address it either. Also, I'd like to avoid calling, only because I tend to be really self-conscious and awkward on the phone.
Sorry for being so long-winded, and thanks so much for the help!
I'm a 17-year-old female, he's 19. We met four years ago and got along really well, mostly because we were both super-nerds in a fairly unintellectual town. I moved three years ago. We kept in touch through email for the first two years, but with decreasing regularity on my end until I wasn't responding at all. The new life and new friends I'd made displaced our old friendship; academic work kept me busy, and guilt about not responding made me...even worse about responding, especially since his emails to me were always so elaborate and well thought out. ("Since it's been so long since I last wrote, this email has to be really insightful and fantastic...let me procrastinate on writing it." I handled this pretty badly!) It didn't help that we were both reticent about our personal lives (being, you know, super-nerds) and there wasn't much chemistry to sustain the friendship after our intellectual interests started to diverge. The death rattle of the relationship went on for months - my last email was a year ago, he last called me six months ago - and there was never any closure: I still feel really guilty, and for all I know he might still feel hurt.
I don't want to leave things as they are. Ideally, I'd clear out the baggage and reestablish a friendship, since he's a really interesting guy; in worst case, at least I'd provide some closure. So far I can think of two different approaches to take:
Option 1: Send a really informal email - "hey, haven't talked to you in a really long time, I've been doing blah, what's up?"
Option 2: Be serious. Send what I've written above (modified, obviously) in an email and apologize, ask him how he's been, and maybe link to an essay I wrote a while ago that gives a pretty good picture of what's important to me right now.
Which one should I take? Am I missing something better? I don't want to get mired too much in the past, but I don't know how much I need to address it either. Also, I'd like to avoid calling, only because I tend to be really self-conscious and awkward on the phone.
Sorry for being so long-winded, and thanks so much for the help!
Your first option sounds fine. You can make a brief allusion to the fact that you haven't been in touch for a while, if you'd like, but pre-emptively making a huge deal out of it is only going to make it more awkward for him to respond. It's more important to just get the email out there than to respond to every single detail he's brought up in the emails over the past year. Be casual, be yourself, and things will be fine.
posted by Phire at 11:29 AM on July 9, 2009
posted by Phire at 11:29 AM on July 9, 2009
Honestly, either way sounds just fine to me. Don't over think it, just send what you're thinking. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear from you and have the lines of communication opened up again. I've had several of these fade out and ins throughout the years, and I think it's pretty normal. It doesn't sound like there was any blow up about it, so just send a "hey, I've been thinking about you, what's up" mail and see what happens.
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 11:31 AM on July 9, 2009
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 11:31 AM on July 9, 2009
there wasn't much chemistry to sustain the friendship after our intellectual interests started to diverge.
Unless this has changed somehow, it may be best to just let things stay the way they are. Closure for you isn't a good reason to potentially stir up bad feelings for another person. If you get back in touch, he gets his hopes up that you want to be friends again, you lose interest and end the friendship (again) either by losing touch or by explicitly telling him you don't want to be friends, that leaves him worse off than before (he gets "dumped" as your friend twice).
If anything, I'd go with your first script and wait for him to say "You kinda disappeared six months ago, wtf?"--then you can say "Yeah, sorry about that. Big changes in my life after I moved and I just let things slip, I apologize."
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:34 AM on July 9, 2009
Unless this has changed somehow, it may be best to just let things stay the way they are. Closure for you isn't a good reason to potentially stir up bad feelings for another person. If you get back in touch, he gets his hopes up that you want to be friends again, you lose interest and end the friendship (again) either by losing touch or by explicitly telling him you don't want to be friends, that leaves him worse off than before (he gets "dumped" as your friend twice).
If anything, I'd go with your first script and wait for him to say "You kinda disappeared six months ago, wtf?"--then you can say "Yeah, sorry about that. Big changes in my life after I moved and I just let things slip, I apologize."
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:34 AM on July 9, 2009
I vote for option 1 as well. If you successfully pick up where the two of you left off, you can always mention how much you enjoy his emails, and that you want to be better about keeping in touch. By the way, this happens a lot, especially as we get older and or lives become more complex. People usually realize that it's nothing personal, but rather life just getting in the way (though if it's been a really long time, it can't hurt to apologize for being MIA). Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2009
posted by katemcd at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2009
Oddly, this is the second time I've said this in the past week.
If you feel bad about something you've done, there's nothing wrong with apologizing for it. It's good manners. It smooths everything over. It should be normal, but it's not.
While it's not unusual for communications to cool in your circumstances, you feel bad about it because you've ignored your friend. So I recommend an email that starts like this: "Hi, flawsekno_friend, I am so sorry I've not returned your emails or calls. I've been busy, but that's no excuse! So, how have you been? What's new?"
posted by Houstonian at 11:45 AM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you feel bad about something you've done, there's nothing wrong with apologizing for it. It's good manners. It smooths everything over. It should be normal, but it's not.
While it's not unusual for communications to cool in your circumstances, you feel bad about it because you've ignored your friend. So I recommend an email that starts like this: "Hi, flawsekno_friend, I am so sorry I've not returned your emails or calls. I've been busy, but that's no excuse! So, how have you been? What's new?"
posted by Houstonian at 11:45 AM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Having been a 19 year old super-nerd, I can say pretty confidently that he'll be thrilled to hear from you, happy to ignore the past, and at all costs want to avoid awkward sentimentality and sincere apologies. OPTION 1
posted by Think_Long at 11:50 AM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 11:50 AM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Option one.
I've rekindled friendships that way that actually had died in massive flame-outs at the end of high school. Send him a message asking him what he's up to. If there's any hard feelings, it's going to be over the fact that you've ignored him, not that he doesn't know "what's important to you right now"--I wouldn't send him an essay.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:09 PM on July 9, 2009
I've rekindled friendships that way that actually had died in massive flame-outs at the end of high school. Send him a message asking him what he's up to. If there's any hard feelings, it's going to be over the fact that you've ignored him, not that he doesn't know "what's important to you right now"--I wouldn't send him an essay.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:09 PM on July 9, 2009
I don't think a 6 month lapse is that long for email-only correspondence with a long lost friend. Do you know for a fact he was hurt? He might be busy himself. I would go with option 1 or a combo of the two options: brief apology, nothing heavy, and a link to your essay sounds great. Maybe take the pressure off yourself to send the perfect email (riffing on Voltaire: "don't let perfect be the enemy of good"). Just let him know how you've been and ask how he is. You sound like a thoughtful person for even wondering about this, so don't beat yourself up too much.
posted by Majorita at 12:21 PM on July 9, 2009
posted by Majorita at 12:21 PM on July 9, 2009
I think you can be informal [option 1] while at the same time being like "hey my bad, I dropped the ball, I'd love to know how you're doing now, this is how I'm doing..." and then move forward doing better. I agree with what Meg_Murry says, don't do this unless you think you can sustain something a little closer to what he's looking for, i.e. you don't have to be best buds but if you're going to reconnect and try to do better, don't reconnect only to fall into the same old patterns.
So, stop reading, drop him a note, let us know how it goes.
posted by jessamyn at 12:33 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
So, stop reading, drop him a note, let us know how it goes.
posted by jessamyn at 12:33 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Another vote for short, breezy apology ("hey, sorry it's been so long, how are you?") followed by an update. A longer, overwrought apology can be taken as sort of patronizing, like "I know it must have been awful for you to lose my friendship." I know that's not what you mean, but you certainly don't want him to feel that way.
posted by lunasol at 1:14 PM on July 9, 2009
posted by lunasol at 1:14 PM on July 9, 2009
As someone who'd really like some sort of closure with a former very good friend: please do apologise sincerely. You can be as informal as you like, and the email doesn't need to be long; just make sure that you do apologise.
For what it's worth, I certainly wouldn't mind being on the receiving end of option #2 either. I realise it might be different for super-nerds in their late teens and super-nerds in their mid-thirties, but sincerity and seriousness never hurt anyone... As long as you really mean it.
May I just add that you're awesome for wanting to provide closure.
posted by kaarne at 1:17 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I certainly wouldn't mind being on the receiving end of option #2 either. I realise it might be different for super-nerds in their late teens and super-nerds in their mid-thirties, but sincerity and seriousness never hurt anyone... As long as you really mean it.
May I just add that you're awesome for wanting to provide closure.
posted by kaarne at 1:17 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have one thing to say about this...
"Since it's been so long since I last wrote, this email has to be really insightful and fantastic...let me procrastinate on writing it."
Don't do this. I've been told this crap by various ex-friends, "Oh, I'll get back to you, I really want to think about it first." I never, EVER received any promised e-mail. I'm assuming they just wanted to get out of the friendship anyway or didn't want to bother with me. But if you aren't really just trying to come up with an excuse for not writing them...
When you get the e-mail, respond within 24 hours.I would say "start writing the second you check e-mail and see one in there from him," but yeah, you might be busy at that second. But even if you have nothing to say but "I still exist, nice to hear from you," write it NOW. Don't let it sit and claim that you are going to think about it, because you never will.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:44 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Since it's been so long since I last wrote, this email has to be really insightful and fantastic...let me procrastinate on writing it."
Don't do this. I've been told this crap by various ex-friends, "Oh, I'll get back to you, I really want to think about it first." I never, EVER received any promised e-mail. I'm assuming they just wanted to get out of the friendship anyway or didn't want to bother with me. But if you aren't really just trying to come up with an excuse for not writing them...
When you get the e-mail, respond within 24 hours.I would say "start writing the second you check e-mail and see one in there from him," but yeah, you might be busy at that second. But even if you have nothing to say but "I still exist, nice to hear from you," write it NOW. Don't let it sit and claim that you are going to think about it, because you never will.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:44 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Not sure if anyone's still reading this, but an update: The consensus seems to be short sincere apology + informal email, and I sent an email along those lines last night. He replied just now and sounded quite happy to be in touch again! Thanks so much to for all the advice - you guys are great!
*scurries off to write a reply*
posted by flawsekno at 4:32 PM on July 10, 2009
*scurries off to write a reply*
posted by flawsekno at 4:32 PM on July 10, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pravit at 11:28 AM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]