Please help me live with myself after lying and cheating.
July 7, 2009 7:37 PM Subscribe
How can I live with myself after lying and cheating?
I just got a divorce, before my fourth anniversary. I can't remember why we got divorced anymore. Clearly, it must have been bad for us to get to the point where he moved out.
We didn't really take the time to work things out before he moved out. He thought I didn't want him around anymore, and I figured he'd be happier without me since he was so depressed throughout our marriage. We parted still loving each other. We both wanted to work it out, but he has a serious inability to communicate (as in, sits and stares for as long as 15 minutes while trying to have a conversation). He refused counseling, so I asked him to move out.
Then I met another guy, and I slept with him but I shouldn't have. I did not know him before my ex moved out, and I figured that the relationship was essentially over anyway. I didn't think my ex cared anymore. I never told my now-ex. I think he suspected. I felt awful, but I figured we were already separated and he never really wanted to fix it....so I just went along with a new relationship that made me feel pretty and sexy and that involved conversation. I was wrong.
It was so wrong because I was so distracted I either failed to see or willfully ignored the way my husband was really trying to change to save our relationship. This right here is what is killing me and I can barely live with myself. Some of the things were small, and even silly, but were things that I had nagged him about for years. He never said, "Look, I'm doing X now. Can I come home?" He'd just say, "Oh, lookie here, I'm doing X," and I thought that he was trying to make me feel like I was missing out or show me up. I couldn't see that as the best he could do to communicate his desire to change. The words he said were that we should go ahead and divorce and see what kind of relationship we'd have afterwards.
I filed for divorce; it was granted. Now he's back with an ex girlfriend. I wish I could be OK with it; I know it is terrible and selfish of me not to be. Additionally, he told me a (big, REALLY big) lie about this girl when we first met, and he only cleared it up with me so that he wouldn't feel bad being with her knowing he'd started a rumor about her.
I'm completely devastated, and I don't know why. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and I need advice on how you have gotten over a situation that you created for yourself that made you hate yourself. Now all I can think about are the good times I had with my ex when we were dating and first married. I hate myself for being blind to his efforts, and I cannot forgive myself by being too self-absorbed in my own feelings to actually make an effort on my marriage. How can I let go of this regret and refrain from acting on it? I tried telling myself that the cheating was no big deal since the marriage was essentially over anyway, but it's just come to my attention that I ignored all his efforts and it's like everything is happening and hurting all over again.
Also, a very contentious question from looking at older posts -- should I tell my ex I was cheating while before and during divorce proceedings? To me, it's a huge deal; it's why I didn't work on the relationship I'd committed my life to. The guy I was with thinks it would be a terrible idea because it would just hurt him, but I've created quite a bit of drama on my ex and made him feel bad for dating again so soon. He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments. Do I tell him why?
Please don't leave me any hate here. There's nothing you can't tell me that I'm not telling myself.
I just got a divorce, before my fourth anniversary. I can't remember why we got divorced anymore. Clearly, it must have been bad for us to get to the point where he moved out.
We didn't really take the time to work things out before he moved out. He thought I didn't want him around anymore, and I figured he'd be happier without me since he was so depressed throughout our marriage. We parted still loving each other. We both wanted to work it out, but he has a serious inability to communicate (as in, sits and stares for as long as 15 minutes while trying to have a conversation). He refused counseling, so I asked him to move out.
Then I met another guy, and I slept with him but I shouldn't have. I did not know him before my ex moved out, and I figured that the relationship was essentially over anyway. I didn't think my ex cared anymore. I never told my now-ex. I think he suspected. I felt awful, but I figured we were already separated and he never really wanted to fix it....so I just went along with a new relationship that made me feel pretty and sexy and that involved conversation. I was wrong.
It was so wrong because I was so distracted I either failed to see or willfully ignored the way my husband was really trying to change to save our relationship. This right here is what is killing me and I can barely live with myself. Some of the things were small, and even silly, but were things that I had nagged him about for years. He never said, "Look, I'm doing X now. Can I come home?" He'd just say, "Oh, lookie here, I'm doing X," and I thought that he was trying to make me feel like I was missing out or show me up. I couldn't see that as the best he could do to communicate his desire to change. The words he said were that we should go ahead and divorce and see what kind of relationship we'd have afterwards.
I filed for divorce; it was granted. Now he's back with an ex girlfriend. I wish I could be OK with it; I know it is terrible and selfish of me not to be. Additionally, he told me a (big, REALLY big) lie about this girl when we first met, and he only cleared it up with me so that he wouldn't feel bad being with her knowing he'd started a rumor about her.
I'm completely devastated, and I don't know why. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and I need advice on how you have gotten over a situation that you created for yourself that made you hate yourself. Now all I can think about are the good times I had with my ex when we were dating and first married. I hate myself for being blind to his efforts, and I cannot forgive myself by being too self-absorbed in my own feelings to actually make an effort on my marriage. How can I let go of this regret and refrain from acting on it? I tried telling myself that the cheating was no big deal since the marriage was essentially over anyway, but it's just come to my attention that I ignored all his efforts and it's like everything is happening and hurting all over again.
Also, a very contentious question from looking at older posts -- should I tell my ex I was cheating while before and during divorce proceedings? To me, it's a huge deal; it's why I didn't work on the relationship I'd committed my life to. The guy I was with thinks it would be a terrible idea because it would just hurt him, but I've created quite a bit of drama on my ex and made him feel bad for dating again so soon. He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments. Do I tell him why?
Please don't leave me any hate here. There's nothing you can't tell me that I'm not telling myself.
When people say you have to learn to love yourself, this is the kind of situation they're talking about.
On the scale of horrible crimes of passion, this barely registers. I think maybe you made the needle wiggle, but really, you were not an awful person here.
And no, there's no need to bring up things from the past now. You both did some selfish things, and you have both moved on. If you can be friendly now, that's great and you have accomplished something.
I agree with your current advice: it's not a good idea because it will almost certainly hurt him, and achieves not much. You want to forgive yourself, great... but don't dump it on him.
He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments.
Yes, you do. And the fact you're tearing yourself up over this, and posting this here, shows that you're a good person. Horrible people don't have remorse.
posted by rokusan at 7:48 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
On the scale of horrible crimes of passion, this barely registers. I think maybe you made the needle wiggle, but really, you were not an awful person here.
And no, there's no need to bring up things from the past now. You both did some selfish things, and you have both moved on. If you can be friendly now, that's great and you have accomplished something.
I agree with your current advice: it's not a good idea because it will almost certainly hurt him, and achieves not much. You want to forgive yourself, great... but don't dump it on him.
He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments.
Yes, you do. And the fact you're tearing yourself up over this, and posting this here, shows that you're a good person. Horrible people don't have remorse.
posted by rokusan at 7:48 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]
Also, a very contentious question from looking at older posts -- should I tell my ex I was cheating while before and during divorce proceedings? To me, it's a huge deal; it's why I didn't work on the relationship I'd committed my life to. The guy I was with thinks it would be a terrible idea because it would just hurt him, but I've created quite a bit of drama on my ex and made him feel bad for dating again so soon. He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments. Do I tell him why?
No, don't tell him. You are divorced and he is seeing someone else. If you want him back, show him that you want him back, but there's no reason to fuck him up any further by revealing this to him so you can clear your conscience. Its clear that you're feeling a lot of remorse and guilt, and I'm sorry you two couldn't work this out before you left the relationship. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:52 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
No, don't tell him. You are divorced and he is seeing someone else. If you want him back, show him that you want him back, but there's no reason to fuck him up any further by revealing this to him so you can clear your conscience. Its clear that you're feeling a lot of remorse and guilt, and I'm sorry you two couldn't work this out before you left the relationship. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:52 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
Do not contact your ex. Do contact a therapist. This isn't about him, it's about you.
You need to mourn this relationship and separate from him, and having him in your life isn't helping. Knowing what he's up to, being tempted to confess all to him: these things are not good for you.
posted by decathecting at 7:54 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
You need to mourn this relationship and separate from him, and having him in your life isn't helping. Knowing what he's up to, being tempted to confess all to him: these things are not good for you.
posted by decathecting at 7:54 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Keep the facts about the cheating to yourself. It's only gonna hurt him and it sort of sounds like he's done hurting over you. This relationship is done and, beyond accepting that and moving on, there's really not any way for you to do or say anything that changes what happened or recasts it in a positive way.
All you can do is resolve not to make these same mistakes in the future.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:57 PM on July 7, 2009
All you can do is resolve not to make these same mistakes in the future.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:57 PM on July 7, 2009
Volunteer somewhere to help ease your mind and prove to yourself that no matter what you've done in the past, you're doing good today, in some way. Ultimately, you need to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and realize that as bad as you think they are, it's in the past.
Listen to the Pink Superhero about telling your ex. You'd be doing it just to relieve own your guilt, but you'd be hurting him and opening up fresh wounds all around. Let it go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:58 PM on July 7, 2009
Listen to the Pink Superhero about telling your ex. You'd be doing it just to relieve own your guilt, but you'd be hurting him and opening up fresh wounds all around. Let it go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:58 PM on July 7, 2009
I think you need to cut yourself a break. Your understanding at the time was that the relationship was over, he'd moved out and you'd started divorce proceedings. How were you in any way together? He said to you that you should get a divorce as well so he was obviously thinking the relationship was over too.
I understand that you were technically still married, but I don't think that's what you're talking about. If you ended up getting back together, maybe it would warrant this level of hand wringing but you didn't. It was over, so why the angst? I don't recommend you telling him because I don't see it as any of his business, just let it go and move on. He obviously has.
I think maybe subconciously you want to tell him to find out if he still has feelings for you because he's moved on and you haven't. Maybe this is a last ditch attempt to get him back or prolong contact. Don't. Get on with your life. And next time choose a partner who can communicate with you, because it seems that was the root of most of your issues. Best of luck.
posted by Jubey at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I understand that you were technically still married, but I don't think that's what you're talking about. If you ended up getting back together, maybe it would warrant this level of hand wringing but you didn't. It was over, so why the angst? I don't recommend you telling him because I don't see it as any of his business, just let it go and move on. He obviously has.
I think maybe subconciously you want to tell him to find out if he still has feelings for you because he's moved on and you haven't. Maybe this is a last ditch attempt to get him back or prolong contact. Don't. Get on with your life. And next time choose a partner who can communicate with you, because it seems that was the root of most of your issues. Best of luck.
posted by Jubey at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Frankly, this seems more about the feelings regarding your ex's new thing. When separated, I'm not sure where the lines are drawn. In a way, this beating yourself up is about finding a handle to control the situation.
Accepting that you have no control over him now is really your best bet. Accept the fact that you hurt and move on. Hard, but probably what you have to do.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:09 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Accepting that you have no control over him now is really your best bet. Accept the fact that you hurt and move on. Hard, but probably what you have to do.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:09 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
do you feel guilty about your fling or do you want him to feel guilty for finding someone else (that you have contentious feelings about)?
either way - leave it alone. that relationship is done and both of you moved on in ways that you felt you needed to at the time. endeavor to be someone who doesn't regret how interpersonal relationships go in the future and leave him to learn his own lessons.
on preview - what ironmouth said.
posted by nadawi at 8:12 PM on July 7, 2009
either way - leave it alone. that relationship is done and both of you moved on in ways that you felt you needed to at the time. endeavor to be someone who doesn't regret how interpersonal relationships go in the future and leave him to learn his own lessons.
on preview - what ironmouth said.
posted by nadawi at 8:12 PM on July 7, 2009
Do get a therapist to help you sort out your real feelings about your ex-husband. If you discover underneath it all that you do still truly love him, I don't think it would be wrong to fight to get him back as long as he is not remarried.
Don't tell him about the cheating unless there is a possibility, no matter how remote, that he could find out.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:33 PM on July 7, 2009
Don't tell him about the cheating unless there is a possibility, no matter how remote, that he could find out.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:33 PM on July 7, 2009
I think you need to tell him about your cheating, that without admitting it and aplogizing, you'll not be able to get over your guilt. I don't know if hearing that will be good for him.
posted by orthogonality at 8:36 PM on July 7, 2009
posted by orthogonality at 8:36 PM on July 7, 2009
I have cheated on a partner before, in situations far less ambiguous than this. First off, let me say that although it wasn't easy for me to forgive myself, I finally have. There are two parts to your hurt as far as I can tell:
1. You feel bad because you harbor a suspicion that if you hadn't done this bad thing, you might have been able to fix your relationship with him. Could this be true? No one can know. It sounds like things weren't in a good place before your separation and you can't spend your whole life second guessing yourself.
2. You feel bad because you did something that was wrong. True enough. I felt this way. I did tell him, and I felt awful about it for a really long time, as I am sure he did too. I think it was right for me to tell him but your situation is different. I will say though that the only thing that helped me feel better is time. We all make mistakes - acknowledge them to yourself, think about why it happened, try to avoid it in the future, and try to move on with your life. It will eventually get easier.
posted by mai at 9:33 PM on July 7, 2009
1. You feel bad because you harbor a suspicion that if you hadn't done this bad thing, you might have been able to fix your relationship with him. Could this be true? No one can know. It sounds like things weren't in a good place before your separation and you can't spend your whole life second guessing yourself.
2. You feel bad because you did something that was wrong. True enough. I felt this way. I did tell him, and I felt awful about it for a really long time, as I am sure he did too. I think it was right for me to tell him but your situation is different. I will say though that the only thing that helped me feel better is time. We all make mistakes - acknowledge them to yourself, think about why it happened, try to avoid it in the future, and try to move on with your life. It will eventually get easier.
posted by mai at 9:33 PM on July 7, 2009
Let both of you change for the next person in your lives.
posted by Jurate at 10:42 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Jurate at 10:42 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you're beating yourself up for losing something that seems like it was already lost. You mention you don't remember why you divorced and can only think about the good times you had, but read the brief descriptions of your husband: unable to communicate, depressed, refused to try counseling, lied about the ex. Maybe the marriage ended for a reason, and would have ended no matter what you or anyone did. If he was making attempts at change to get you back, he certainly could have been more obvious about it. He could have been more explicit or tried harder. Is it possible this wasn't his intent, and you're idealizing his "changes" and seeing what you want to see?
It sounds like you're fixated on this "If only I hadn't done X, if only I had done Y" and that is a sure-fire way to drive yourself crazy. If your "distraction" alone was the deal-breaker, this was not a strong relationship to begin with. And I doubt it was, there is obviously a lot more going on. For your own piece of mind, forget the "what ifs" and accept that this is over and nothing could have saved it. And don't tell him about the other guy, there's no reason to now.
posted by janerica at 11:10 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're fixated on this "If only I hadn't done X, if only I had done Y" and that is a sure-fire way to drive yourself crazy. If your "distraction" alone was the deal-breaker, this was not a strong relationship to begin with. And I doubt it was, there is obviously a lot more going on. For your own piece of mind, forget the "what ifs" and accept that this is over and nothing could have saved it. And don't tell him about the other guy, there's no reason to now.
posted by janerica at 11:10 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
You probably shouldn't tell him. Believe me, not everything is meant to be told. I know it would make you feel a lot better because you would be able to get those guilty feelings 'out', but it will only hurt him more to hear about it and probably set him back significantly on his recovery from your divorce. He deserves to recover.
You've told AskMetafilter. Sometimes, that can be enough.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 11:14 PM on July 7, 2009
You've told AskMetafilter. Sometimes, that can be enough.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 11:14 PM on July 7, 2009
Look at everything you did right and wrong from about, oh, age seventeen or so until now.
Now, tomorrow morning, start living the next period of your life without making the same mistakes.
That's about all you can do. And as many have mentioned, don't drag him back into this; it's about you, not him. Go get therapy if you suspect it will help (I certainly do.)
posted by davejay at 2:08 AM on July 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
Now, tomorrow morning, start living the next period of your life without making the same mistakes.
That's about all you can do. And as many have mentioned, don't drag him back into this; it's about you, not him. Go get therapy if you suspect it will help (I certainly do.)
posted by davejay at 2:08 AM on July 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
I go against the popular sentiment here.
You say you feel remorse about two things: Not recognizing his efforts in the relationship, and cheating on him. My advice is to write him a letter with an apology for not recognizing his efforts, leaving the cheating part unsaid. Make it a letter, so that neither of you feel that the apology is an effort to get back together, or disturb his current relationship, or an attempt to start dialogue at a too-early time.
An apology is for two people: The person injured, and the person who injured. It is infinitely cheaper than a therapist, and works quite well. Apologizing makes it easier to forgive yourself and move on from your guilt. Apologizing gives him the recognition that he was wronged.
So, why apologize for not recognizing his efforts, but not for the cheating? Because he knows that you did not recognize his efforts. He does not know that you cheated. So, mentioning the cheating will only hurt him, and that will not make you feel better either (because it does nothing but bring more hurt to him).
I think the world would be a better place if people learned how to say, "Hey, I screwed up and I'm sorry" and then forgave themselves for being human.
posted by Houstonian at 3:52 AM on July 8, 2009 [5 favorites]
You say you feel remorse about two things: Not recognizing his efforts in the relationship, and cheating on him. My advice is to write him a letter with an apology for not recognizing his efforts, leaving the cheating part unsaid. Make it a letter, so that neither of you feel that the apology is an effort to get back together, or disturb his current relationship, or an attempt to start dialogue at a too-early time.
An apology is for two people: The person injured, and the person who injured. It is infinitely cheaper than a therapist, and works quite well. Apologizing makes it easier to forgive yourself and move on from your guilt. Apologizing gives him the recognition that he was wronged.
So, why apologize for not recognizing his efforts, but not for the cheating? Because he knows that you did not recognize his efforts. He does not know that you cheated. So, mentioning the cheating will only hurt him, and that will not make you feel better either (because it does nothing but bring more hurt to him).
I think the world would be a better place if people learned how to say, "Hey, I screwed up and I'm sorry" and then forgave themselves for being human.
posted by Houstonian at 3:52 AM on July 8, 2009 [5 favorites]
There is no need to tell your ex about the cheating for all the reasons mentioned above. Also, it sounds like you were clearly separated at the time, and I wouldn't necessarily consider that "cheating." I agree that seeing a therapist to talk this out would be your best bet.
As for not paying attention to or realizing the significance of the efforts he was making to repair the marriage, that is probably worth acknowledging. Something along the lines of, "I've been reflecting a lot lately and I finally realized and appreciated the efforts you were making prior to the divorce. I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to those, and I want you to know that your attempts have been noticed." He doesn't need to know why you didn't notice, and for all you know, you may not have realized it even if there wasn't another man in your life.
As for your feeling bad about yourself or having second thoughts, give this time. It sounds like you both made mistakes and all you can do now is learn from them. I can't tell whether you are harboring hopes for a reconciliation. If you are, I would try to just sit with that a while and focus on other things. It's common to second guess a major change in our lives when you contemplate and mourn what you have actually lost. Maybe thinking about what you have gained will give you an entirely different perspective.
posted by katemcd at 5:01 AM on July 8, 2009
As for not paying attention to or realizing the significance of the efforts he was making to repair the marriage, that is probably worth acknowledging. Something along the lines of, "I've been reflecting a lot lately and I finally realized and appreciated the efforts you were making prior to the divorce. I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to those, and I want you to know that your attempts have been noticed." He doesn't need to know why you didn't notice, and for all you know, you may not have realized it even if there wasn't another man in your life.
As for your feeling bad about yourself or having second thoughts, give this time. It sounds like you both made mistakes and all you can do now is learn from them. I can't tell whether you are harboring hopes for a reconciliation. If you are, I would try to just sit with that a while and focus on other things. It's common to second guess a major change in our lives when you contemplate and mourn what you have actually lost. Maybe thinking about what you have gained will give you an entirely different perspective.
posted by katemcd at 5:01 AM on July 8, 2009
You thought your marriage was over and you were moving on. Just make sure to learn from your past mistakes.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:03 AM on July 8, 2009
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:03 AM on July 8, 2009
You are engaging in classic feminine overthinking. I guess males have this capacity also, but it is largely women who revisit something in their mind continually --creating many versions that may or may not be accurate. I know I have and many of my female friends have elevated people to pedestals after they are out of our lives. It is a phenomenon of sorts rather like when someone dies and you suddenly can't think of one bad thing about them. You are idolizing your ex and your former relationship. If you dwell in this place it will not be good for you in any way. It is clear that your vision of yourself as "cheater" is overstated. The quick road to depression is overthinking and assigning negative (and undeserved) labels to yourself. It is difficult to move on but you will do yourself a huge favor if you look forward instead of backward. Get a lot of exercise, enjoy your young life and be on the look out for a new partner who respects you and shares your core values. He is out there. It isn't your ex.
posted by naplesyellow at 8:25 AM on July 8, 2009
posted by naplesyellow at 8:25 AM on July 8, 2009
Not that it hasn't been said already, but thought I'd chime in.
I had two good friends divorce as a result of infidelity. And while I think you're in the clear, karma-wise (you were separated, etc), I think that telling him about it in this situation is the wrong decision. If you were still together and trying to salvage the marriage, I'd argue you must tell him in the interest of total disclosure. That is not your position.
When you got divorced, you did not give up the ability to hurt him. It seems to me that opening up to him in this way will only hurt you both. I understand the compelling urge to come clean, but realize that it is selfish.
Focus on *you*, cease contact with him, and go on. These wounds sound fresh, but they will heal.
posted by pkphy39 at 8:51 AM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
I had two good friends divorce as a result of infidelity. And while I think you're in the clear, karma-wise (you were separated, etc), I think that telling him about it in this situation is the wrong decision. If you were still together and trying to salvage the marriage, I'd argue you must tell him in the interest of total disclosure. That is not your position.
When you got divorced, you did not give up the ability to hurt him. It seems to me that opening up to him in this way will only hurt you both. I understand the compelling urge to come clean, but realize that it is selfish.
Focus on *you*, cease contact with him, and go on. These wounds sound fresh, but they will heal.
posted by pkphy39 at 8:51 AM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:44 PM on July 7, 2009 [11 favorites]