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July 7, 2009 6:44 PM Subscribe
How do I make the most of a new (but doomed) relationship?
I gave a guy my number recently, anticipating that it would be a one night thing, as I am moving very far away soon to start my doctorate (he knew this from the get-go). Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we discovered we really like each other, and have been inseparable ever since. However, I am unwilling to give up a free ride plus a generous monthly stipend at my dream school for such a new relationship. He is also planning on starting school elsewhere soon. We have about three weeks to go. We agreed to use that time to enjoy ourselves and try to end things on a good note, as a relationship we can remember fondly. We aren't ruling out the possibility that our paths may cross later.
He is pretty introverted and shy, and doesn't have a lot of confidence, which is what I like least about him, especially since it seems to carry into the bedroom to some degree. He is very attractive, smart, and extremely kind, which I make sure to tell him as much as possible. I suspect he is less sexually experienced than I am, and things have been very vanilla so far. I enjoy being dominated, and I haven't seen any signs that he's interested in that yet.
So, two questions-
How can I make the most of our short time together?
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out? I do plan to talk to him, but ideas for how I could frame it or other nonverbal ways of doing this would be appreciated.
I gave a guy my number recently, anticipating that it would be a one night thing, as I am moving very far away soon to start my doctorate (he knew this from the get-go). Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we discovered we really like each other, and have been inseparable ever since. However, I am unwilling to give up a free ride plus a generous monthly stipend at my dream school for such a new relationship. He is also planning on starting school elsewhere soon. We have about three weeks to go. We agreed to use that time to enjoy ourselves and try to end things on a good note, as a relationship we can remember fondly. We aren't ruling out the possibility that our paths may cross later.
He is pretty introverted and shy, and doesn't have a lot of confidence, which is what I like least about him, especially since it seems to carry into the bedroom to some degree. He is very attractive, smart, and extremely kind, which I make sure to tell him as much as possible. I suspect he is less sexually experienced than I am, and things have been very vanilla so far. I enjoy being dominated, and I haven't seen any signs that he's interested in that yet.
So, two questions-
How can I make the most of our short time together?
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out? I do plan to talk to him, but ideas for how I could frame it or other nonverbal ways of doing this would be appreciated.
Goodness, foooooogasm.
Short-lived relationships tend to work best when both of you are being extra open; in the bedroom, maybe try saying, "Hey! I'd like to try X. Are you game?" Without months of time to develop your communication skills, this is the place to be as clear as possible.
Focus on the things you enjoy, as well. Go on dates, see movies and go to museums, spend nights talking in coffee houses -- whatever you'd normally do in a relationship. Avoid dwelling on the fact that you're not going to be together in a month or two; life is a funny thing, and you may end up finding that (a) you never see each other again, or (b) you simply have to be together, and want to find some way to make that happen. Either way, what you -have- is the present, and it's yours to enjoy.
Incidentally, being in the moment is a great way to enjoy any aspect of a relationship, regardless of time limit; every unhappy couple I know has forgotten how to simply exist together without the burden of expectations. In some ways, the short-term thing makes it harder to do that, so you may find that you are more sincere now than you would be in a "long term" situation.
posted by ellF at 6:59 PM on July 7, 2009
Short-lived relationships tend to work best when both of you are being extra open; in the bedroom, maybe try saying, "Hey! I'd like to try X. Are you game?" Without months of time to develop your communication skills, this is the place to be as clear as possible.
Focus on the things you enjoy, as well. Go on dates, see movies and go to museums, spend nights talking in coffee houses -- whatever you'd normally do in a relationship. Avoid dwelling on the fact that you're not going to be together in a month or two; life is a funny thing, and you may end up finding that (a) you never see each other again, or (b) you simply have to be together, and want to find some way to make that happen. Either way, what you -have- is the present, and it's yours to enjoy.
Incidentally, being in the moment is a great way to enjoy any aspect of a relationship, regardless of time limit; every unhappy couple I know has forgotten how to simply exist together without the burden of expectations. In some ways, the short-term thing makes it harder to do that, so you may find that you are more sincere now than you would be in a "long term" situation.
posted by ellF at 6:59 PM on July 7, 2009
you have three weeks. don't try to fix him as a person. just enjoy him for who he is.
trying to tackle "you don't have enough confidence" and "you could be better in bed" in 3 weeks is, i'd think, damn near impossible. those are mixed signals of the highest degree.
also - from experience - you can show someone how to be more sexually adventurous and you can show them how to touch you like you like to be touched, but you can't turn someone into a dom. either they have that interest or they don't. and if they don't it will be forever frustrating for both of you because he'll go through the motions and you'll know he's just a little scared kitty cat.
for longer relationships where you have time to work on things and you want to find out if your partner has dominating tenancies - encourage every little single bit of roughness he exhibits. watch for things in movies and shows that you like and casually mention "ohhh - that looks like it'd feel so good". when you're fucking him and you're on top and about to come put his hands on your neck. when he runs his hand through your hair, coo in his ear "oooh, pull my hair". none of this will make a vanilla boy turn, but you cna find out if the one you have has tendencies you've never seen before.
posted by nadawi at 7:01 PM on July 7, 2009
trying to tackle "you don't have enough confidence" and "you could be better in bed" in 3 weeks is, i'd think, damn near impossible. those are mixed signals of the highest degree.
also - from experience - you can show someone how to be more sexually adventurous and you can show them how to touch you like you like to be touched, but you can't turn someone into a dom. either they have that interest or they don't. and if they don't it will be forever frustrating for both of you because he'll go through the motions and you'll know he's just a little scared kitty cat.
for longer relationships where you have time to work on things and you want to find out if your partner has dominating tenancies - encourage every little single bit of roughness he exhibits. watch for things in movies and shows that you like and casually mention "ohhh - that looks like it'd feel so good". when you're fucking him and you're on top and about to come put his hands on your neck. when he runs his hand through your hair, coo in his ear "oooh, pull my hair". none of this will make a vanilla boy turn, but you cna find out if the one you have has tendencies you've never seen before.
posted by nadawi at 7:01 PM on July 7, 2009
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out?
He may not have one. Sometimes vanilla is someone's favorite flavor, to the exclusion of all other flavors.
posted by marble at 7:27 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
He may not have one. Sometimes vanilla is someone's favorite flavor, to the exclusion of all other flavors.
posted by marble at 7:27 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]
Ask these two "questions", as often as possible.
"You know what you would be really good at?"
"You know what I'd really like?"
Assuming that your affect is happy and smiley-- and that you seem focused on the pleasure you are about to experience, rather than on his reaction-- he'll probably go with it.
And on preview:
> encourage every little single bit of roughness he exhibits. watch for things in movies and shows that you like and casually mention "ohhh - that looks like it'd feel so good".
Exactly.
posted by darth_tedious at 8:03 PM on July 7, 2009
"You know what you would be really good at?"
"You know what I'd really like?"
Assuming that your affect is happy and smiley-- and that you seem focused on the pleasure you are about to experience, rather than on his reaction-- he'll probably go with it.
And on preview:
> encourage every little single bit of roughness he exhibits. watch for things in movies and shows that you like and casually mention "ohhh - that looks like it'd feel so good".
Exactly.
posted by darth_tedious at 8:03 PM on July 7, 2009
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out?
Well there are a lot of ways, with time and patience and understanding.
But with a clock ticking? No. Don't do that. Just enjoy whatever works well between you, and don't try to invent new hobbies with only a couple of weeks left.
posted by rokusan at 8:05 PM on July 7, 2009
Well there are a lot of ways, with time and patience and understanding.
But with a clock ticking? No. Don't do that. Just enjoy whatever works well between you, and don't try to invent new hobbies with only a couple of weeks left.
posted by rokusan at 8:05 PM on July 7, 2009
You've got three weeks. Sit him down and say "Hey, we've got three weeks together. Let's do the most outrageous things to each other that we haven't done before".
Sit him down, get him to write a list of say 5 sexual things that he's fantasised or dreamt of. Go through the ones you'd do, negotiate, and do them. And vice-versa.
After all, it's three weeks of fun and experiments. If he doesn't like being rubbed in a cashmere sweater, he can chalk it up to experience.
posted by almostwitty at 3:14 AM on July 8, 2009
Sit him down, get him to write a list of say 5 sexual things that he's fantasised or dreamt of. Go through the ones you'd do, negotiate, and do them. And vice-versa.
After all, it's three weeks of fun and experiments. If he doesn't like being rubbed in a cashmere sweater, he can chalk it up to experience.
posted by almostwitty at 3:14 AM on July 8, 2009
Go out with a bang and get any sexual frustration out of your systems (let most have said above. Agree to break up but leave options open down the road. You both obviously have plans. Right people... bad timing. I would say keep talking on facebook or myspace but that might keep things going. I would end communication for a few months and if you both still are thinking about each other then send a text message. Keep a pen pal type relationship until the timing is right. On a side note.... the whole 3 weeks of kinky sexual experimentation is enough to make any guy smile.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:10 AM on July 8, 2009
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:10 AM on July 8, 2009
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out?
Why are you assuming that his "sexually adventurous side" is a dom? Maybe his sexually adventurous side is a sub, and he's waiting for you to domme him.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:11 AM on July 8, 2009
Why are you assuming that his "sexually adventurous side" is a dom? Maybe his sexually adventurous side is a sub, and he's waiting for you to domme him.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:11 AM on July 8, 2009
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posted by oinopaponton at 6:58 PM on July 7, 2009