Dealing with in-laws during separation?

July 2, 2009 8:23 AM

We are recently separated (with lots of drama), and our families and friends don't know. How do I deal with my brother in law asking to stay with “us” for a while, since he suddenly got a job in our town?

Little over a month ago, my husband of 15 years quit his job and walked out on me, leaving me a letter to sort-of try to explain why. I don't know where he is exactly right now, and he has been basically incommunicado since he left (with the exception of three short messages to let me know he's alive and OK). I haven't told anyone, as I'm trying to keep it private until I at least get a chance to talk to him face to face. I thought I would have some time to sort out my own feelings about this mess while he figures out what he wants, but now things are getting more complicated.

My brother in law sent me a message to say that he unexpectedly got a fantastic job offer in our town, and he will be starting next Monday. He asked if he could stay with “us” for a little while, until he finds an apartment. It's a perfectly reasonable request - one that I would have been thrilled to grant two months ago, since we normally get along great. But now, I just don't know what to do. If I could ask my husband to get in touch with his brother to tell him what's up, I would. But like I said - incommunicado...

I can see a few options:
1 - I can tell him the truth. I like telling the truth, but I really don't want be the one to break this news to my husband's family (I love them all dearly, yet they are his family nonetheless).
2 - I can come up with an excuse for my husband not being around, then fake normalcy. My husband used to travel a lot for his job, so it wouldn't be hard. And I already do that at work and with out-of-town family (including my parents) and friends. But I am still really shocked and weepy, and it's already a strain to fake it at work. Plus I would have to lie some more, even if it's only by omission, and I hate lying.
3 - I can tell him no. While I wouldn't have to directly come out with the truth if I said no, it would still be so out of character for us that my brother in law would know right away that something is wrong.
4 - I can just ignore his message. But that is also way out of character for me, and would be really suspicious and weird. Plus it would put my brother in law in a really bad situation.
5 - I can let him borrow our apartment and go stay at a hotel, pretending that I'm out of town. But that just seems kind of silly, it's still a lie, and I would still have to come back eventually...

So my question is, basically, how do you think I should best handle this situation? Any options I haven't thought of? Also, given that I tend to err on the side of truth, the second part is “how did you tell your family/friends about your separation?”

If you have advice you want to give privately: [e-mail] . Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total)

I would vote for telling him the truth. Nothing good will come from hiding this from your husband's family. Good luck! :(
posted by Hanuman1960 at 8:28 AM on July 2, 2009 [10 favorites]

Seconding truth. Anything else will just cause more drama in the long (actually, probably not very long) run.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:29 AM on July 2, 2009

Rough situation Can you reach your husband by email, cell phone, text message? If so you might send him a message telling him about his brother's request. I agree with Hanuman - I wouldn't lie - I think it will only complicate your life more. I understand that you've been keeping this private but maybe it's time to let some people know so you can get some support? It sounds like a very difficult thing to be going through.
posted by leslies at 8:33 AM on July 2, 2009

I would try and contact your husband first - is there any way for you to leave a message for him somewhere? - and if he doesn't respond in a day or two call your brother-in-law and explain the situation to him. Tell him what you told us: that you would have preferred that your husband tell his family himself, but the situation has forced your hand.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
posted by anastasiav at 8:33 AM on July 2, 2009

"We're having some problems right now, and it's really not a good time for houseguests."

And then if he pursues and you want to lean on someone, go ahead. Or if you're not close enough for that, you can reasonably say "We just need some time to work some things out here, sorry."
posted by rokusan at 8:35 AM on July 2, 2009 [4 favorites]

Since it was your husband who, evidently surprisingly, left you with little to no explanation, I don't think you are beholden to try to explain his behavior or the situation to anybody, especially his family. I would definitely not ignore his message, but let him know that this really isn't a good time for him to stay with you, and that you cannot give him any further explanation than that at this time. It's probably inevitable that he or other members of their family will probably try to contact you to figure out what's going on, but you truly don't need to talk to anyone about it until you're ready.

Since he's depending upon your graciousness to provide him with a place to stay, a simple no should not be rude.
posted by scarykarrey at 8:37 AM on July 2, 2009 [5 favorites]

Tell your brother in law the truth, but explain that you do not want this to be public knowledge yet because you need alone time to sort out your feelings. If he's a decent person he will understand and keep it to himself. Maybe he will go talk some sense into his brother.
posted by amethysts at 8:39 AM on July 2, 2009 [6 favorites]

Another vote for truth, after giving your husband a chance to get in touch first. You've been put in a tough situation, but this seems like the solution with the smallest chance of further drama. You don't have to tell your brother in law everything - maybe just say something like "your brother and I are going through a rough patch and spending some time apart."
posted by lunasol at 8:41 AM on July 2, 2009

How much do you trust your brother-in-law? Is he someone you can tell what's going on to and ask him not to pass it on to the rest of your family? It sounds like it might be worth letting him stay there and explain the situation to him with the caveat that the information stays with him. If he's respectable and trustworthy, I would expect something that serious to be taken seriously by him, especially if you're doing him the favor of letting him stay with you.
posted by jgunsch at 8:42 AM on July 2, 2009

"I'm not sure what our plans are -- you'd better ask your brother and see what he says."
posted by hermitosis at 8:42 AM on July 2, 2009 [19 favorites]

Tell him the truth.

Your husband's behavior is kind of a horrible warning sign for me. People I've known who have done this sort of thing were suffering through horrible mental illness at the time. Your husband's family deserves to know that he's done something so erratic so that they can seek him out and ensure that he really is doing okay. Furthermore, your brother in law may be able to help you find your husband so that you can talk to him face to face.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. But if you tell others, you will probably find that doing so provides relief and support that I presume you could use right now.
posted by Ms. Saint at 8:42 AM on July 2, 2009 [28 favorites]

I would try to reach your husband any way you can, giving him a deadline to respond to his brother however he chooses, and telling him that if he won't, you will tell his brother the truth. And if he doesn't handle it, tell the brother the truth or some variation of it (like suggested above, that you're having some problems and are unable to put him up, without going into too many details).

You really should not feel obligated to put up a houseguest while you are going through this. I'm so sorry for you and I hope things work out.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:43 AM on July 2, 2009

Just tell him the truth. If your husband hadn't been gone for over a month I would be all for dodging his brother and waiting to discuss things with your husband, but it's been over a month. You have no idea when, if ever, your husband is going to come back. This is not the sort of thing that you can hide from his family forever. If you don't think it's been long enough then the "we're having some problems, right now is not a good time" advice given above is probably the best as it isn't wholly deceptive.
posted by Polychrome at 8:44 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Agree with option #1: Tell the truth. Your husband has left you with no choice. You don't have to give the brother the gory details, just call him and say something like: "Congratulations on your new job. I have some news, too. I have no choice but to tell you -- your brother and I have split up. I don't really know where he is. It's a difficult time right now; I'm trying to pick up the pieces, so you staying here is not a good idea. I'm sorry."

And then he should shift into empathy mode and be concerned about you.
posted by heather-b at 8:47 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

I completely agree with the "truth" option, for the following reasons:

a) it's not YOUR fault this situation has arisen, and it's not your mess to clean up;

b) lying sounds like it will either be found out, or very difficult to maintain; and

c) once he knows, maybe him staying with you would be comforting? If he knows the story, you don't have to hide your tears, as it sounds like you've had to do with everyone else in your life. It might be nice to have a shoulder to cry on.
posted by Pomo at 8:52 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ain't life a bitch when it keeps through you curve balls? You'd think it would have the decency to give you a break in between pitches.

Anyway, first ask yourself this: Would you be ok with your brother-in-law staying there with your current situation?

Either way, I think you're trying too hard to keep secrets, for whatever reason. Tell the truth and let the cards fall as they may. You can't control this or hide it and trying to uses up emotional energy you could probably use elsewhere, you know? Your husband took off and decided to make himself hard to reach. Meanwhile, life has gone on and his brother is in town, needing a place to stay. Text him to let him know what's going on, but otherwise, it's kinda outta your hands.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:56 AM on July 2, 2009

nthing truth. It's probably mortifying to think of making this public, but I'd bet most people will respond with generosity and concern, and it will be a relief to get this out in the sunlight.
posted by jon1270 at 9:00 AM on July 2, 2009

Tell the truth. Leave your husband a message about his brother coming to stay. It's not up to you to hide this, making up stories just makes things harder later.

I'm so sorry, hope everything works out for you.
posted by arcticseal at 9:05 AM on July 2, 2009

This sounds like a terrible burden for you to bear alone. You are understandably confused about what's going on with your husband and I imagine not telling anyone allows it to not be "real" to you yet. But you really should be honest with his family and hope that with this knowledge they can be supportive of you.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:08 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

Truth. If this makes a mess for your husband, well, it's a mess of his own making. And frankly it might be helpful for you to have BiL around to be a friend to help you get through this.
posted by Billegible at 9:12 AM on July 2, 2009

Just tell the truth. Your in-laws know their brother/your ex better than anyone. The fact that they're on good terms with you (you did say your BIL sent you a message) means that you may have their sympathies in what's undeniably a trying time.

For an example of the crazy, wrong way to do it: my father's second wife walked out on him a few years back and then spent the next few months trying to hide from her (grown, out of town) children the fact that she wasn't living in the house with him any more. I already had a less-than-positive opinion of her, but at that point she came off as totally demented.
posted by kittyprecious at 9:29 AM on July 2, 2009

Seconding telling the truth. Your husband gave you no choice. Also, it would be good if one of his relatives knows about this, maybe he has an idea of what's happening: perhaps he did the same when he was 14, or there are mental illnesses in the family you don't know about.

This sounds like a terribly difficult situation, you must be exhausted. Don't feel bad if you don't feel capable of having guests right now.
posted by clearlydemon at 9:39 AM on July 2, 2009

After 15 years, your brother-in-law probably considers you to be family, especially since you said you get along great. If he's trustworthy and a decent guy, I would tell him the truth, and explain that you would have rather your husband told him first, but you didn't have a choice. There's a good chance he'll be sympathetic to you, and maybe having him around to lean on could make things easier. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by booknerd at 9:48 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard to tell family of break-up anyway...especially when it's the family of the partner acting crazy.

Tell your b-in-law the truth. Maybe his brother's been in touch with him, but acting like everything's normal. Depending on how close everyone is, maybe tell him he can stay anyway if he wants. Perhaps conversations with him could help you figure out where your husband is or at least why the hell he's doing this.

And, um, look up a lawyer.
posted by motsque at 9:57 AM on July 2, 2009

Your brother-in-law is moving to your town. Regardless of what you tell him now, it's very likely he's going to try to visit or have lunch with his bro or something after he gets there. How many ways can you think of to avoid all contact with a close relative in the same town, especially one you haven't seen for a while? You may think that keeping this a secret is the less complicated solution, but you are probably wrong. The truth is far less complicated, and it's not like your husband is the first person in the history of the civilization who decided to inexplicably pick up and wander off somewhere.
posted by zennie at 9:58 AM on July 2, 2009

You actually have several issues. The first is that your husband has just drastically changed his behavior (quit his job, left you, avoiding all responsibilities, not talking to his family) and I would be concerned about the cause, and he probably needs to talk to a professional, this may be mental illness.

Second, do you tell your husbands family about his abandoning you? My advice to that question is yes. These people love him and will want to help you find him, check to make sure he is okay, etc. They will only resent you for not telling them and instead constructing some sort of elaborate lie. Yes, he should have been the one to tell them. He hasn't, so it's up to you.

Thirdly, do you want your brother in law staying with you for a period of time. This depends on all sorts of things that only you know the answers to. Do you want some alone time, or do want the support of someone who you have enjoyed in the past, who may also share some of the same concerns you do.

And I know it goes without saying but, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have done nothing wrong, you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. Some of this hiding may be out of wanting to keep you relationship private, or keeping your husband's dignity intact, but you said you are an honest person. Being forthright is the best move in both the long and short term. Good Luck.
posted by gagoumot at 9:59 AM on July 2, 2009 [4 favorites]

Truth. I agree that this really should be the wayward husband's responsibility, but apparently responsibility is not his bag right now.

Saying something vague like "now is not a good time" may invite more questions, creating more awkwardness.
posted by adamrice at 10:00 AM on July 2, 2009

When I walked out on the previous Mr. F-- and he knew exactly where the fuck I'd gone, too-- he didn't bother to tell his parents that I'd walked and wasn't coming back.

This might have worked, except that his parents were on vacation near my parents' place and wanted to take them to dinner... which meant calling my parents...

...which meant Mama Fairytale got to summon all of her considerable New England WASP chill and explain to them exactly what their son had done to her daughter, and that they would not be going out for dinner, and what was this shit, anyhow?

Awkward. Necessary, because the previous Mr. F was NOT going to do the right thing, but awkward.

Your husband needs to regroup his poop and get in touch with his family, but if he's not going to do that, you're going to have to gracefully break the news to your brother-in-law somehow. It'll almost certainly be awkward as hell and end up being something else you and your husband will have to discuss should he return, but I think his family would want to know that he's suddenly gotten up and done something out of character so that they can attempt to render assistance.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:09 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

Are you absolutely sure his family doesn't already know he left you?

Nthing truth in any case. He created this drama, so he gets to take the heat for it.
posted by Cookbooks and Chaos at 10:20 AM on July 2, 2009

It's definitely time for the truth. A few days would be one thing, but more than a month? It's time.

Stop faking it at work and with friends, too.

This has happened. Pretending it hasn't helps nobody, least of all yourself -- by not telling anyone what's going on, you're preventing your friends and coworkers from giving you any help or support.
posted by ook at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2009 [8 favorites]

There is almost no way you will be able to conceal this from your brother-in-law, and he will probably continue to try to contact your husband at your home. You owe it to him to give him at least the bare-bones facts - husband's gone, I don't know where he is, not a good time for you to crash here, etc.
posted by mikewas at 10:56 AM on July 2, 2009

Hi Anon, this sounds truly terrible and I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now. You have my sympathy.

I agree with those who said it's truth time. A month is a really long time for your husband to be gone, and that's plenty of opportunity for him to have communicated with his family. In fact, maybe he has spoken to some of them, just not the BIL who has gotten in touch with you. Send BIL a message letting him know you would have preferred your husband be the one to tell his family, but you're sorry to say he has left you. I think they would want to know, particularly if this is really uncharacteristic or shocking behavior.

Don't feel like you need to hide the truth. It sounds like you feel ashamed or humiliated, but you absolutely should not. You sound like a good wife and partner, and a caring person, and you deserve to have some support in this tough time.

Also, decide whether having BIL around will be stressful or comforting, and don't feel bad honestly communicating your needs to him regarding his visit. He will (or should) understand. Be good to yourself.
posted by JenMarie at 11:17 AM on July 2, 2009

Everyone seems to be assuming that you don't want to tell anyone, including your in-laws, because you are ashamed, or think it's your fault, or something similar. That might have something to do with it. However, reading your post, it seems like there might be something else going on. Sounds like you might want to try to work things out with your husband, maybe you feel like it's not completely over yet. I can understand that desire, and I can also understand the fear that saying it out loud, or telling people, might somehow make it "real" or cement the fate of your marriage. If this is how you feel, it does not matter whether this is a rational feeling, or whether you should want to salvage the marriage. Feelings are feelings.

If that's how you feel, or why you don't want to tell anyone, I can see your reluctance to tell your brother-in-law. Unfortunately, I fear that having a guest, having to socialize or having to hide/control your emotions will become unbearable and your brother-in-law will suspect something is wrong. The truth might come out at that point because you won't be able to control your emotions and then you'll be forced to either tell him what's going on, or make up another story (on top of the one about why his brother is not there). Even if you think you have your emotions under control, or are dealing with things better now than you were a month ago, it's possible that seeing and interacting with a member of his family will be unsettling and send you to a very emotional place. Another thing is that he might start to ask questions if he's there for several weeks to a month and your husband has not returned, or if he's constantly trying to get in touch with his brother to thank "him" for allowing him to stay there, or he never sees any signs of communication between you and your husband.

Another thing to consider is if your husband does return while he's there, that's going to be a whole other layer of weirdness and put a barrier between free communication between you and your husband.

Option 5 isn't going to work either. You will have to come back eventually, as you've mentioned. Also, the truth is going to come out at some point if he's staying at your house. Also, will it be therapeutic or more difficult to be away from your home right now?

Most of all, can you take the stress of keeping stories straight and all the lying right now? Seems like it would be hard even in the best of times.

The only other option (besides the truth) I can think of is to apologize and say that you've already opened up your home to a friend and her family after she was transferred to your town, or something along those lines to convey that you simply have no guest room, couch or floor space for another person. I'm not sure how well that will go over, and if the family finally finds out the truth, they might assume you said no out of misplaced anger rather than your real reasons.

If it were me, I'd wish there were other options, too. However, as I'm sure you're starting to realize, all the other options might be more difficult in the long run than the truth. I think I would send an email (having to choke back my emotions in a phone conversation would be too hard for me to deal with), explaining the situation, explaining fears/concerns and why I've been keeping it to yourself. If I was concerned about setting off the domino effect, I would explain that I wasn't ready for anyone else to know and still need time to process on my own, and I'd ask that they keep this information to themselves. Finally, I'd say that it would be better if brother-in-law found another place to stay. Whether you make that decision is up to you, you might be able to deal with company, I know I probably wouldn't.

Keep in mind that you don't have to tell his family everything. You don't have to explain the events surrounding your separation if you don't want. Just saying that you two are going through a rough spot and, for the time being, your husband decided to live separately for a while, with limited communication. If they reply and ask why or what happened, you can say it was sudden and you're not really sure what's going on with him. That should be enough of an answer. You don't have to spell it out, tell them about his job, or anything else.

Finally, to other people commenting, it's not up to us to tell her to see a lawyer, or to advise on her situation. We don't even know what she wants or what is really going on. It might be kinder to the OP if we just answer the question she asked and not offer advice or opinions about her marital situation.
posted by necessitas at 11:17 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do what you want to do.

If you don't mind his brother-in-law staying with you, let him. When he asks where his brother is, tell him you don't know, etc.

If you really don't want guests right now, tell him no. Whether you couch it in "problems" or get more specific is up to you.

Here's what I think you should not do: torture yourself with feelings of shame and embarrassment.
posted by desuetude at 11:25 AM on July 2, 2009

Tell him the truth. Ask him not to tell anyone else. I think anything else you do is just an invitation for more drama. And you probably don't want or need anymore drama.
posted by chunking express at 11:29 AM on July 2, 2009

If I could ask my husband to get in touch with his brother to tell him what's up, I would.

If he got three messages to you, unless they were on paper with no return address, presumably you have a way to contact him (email, voicemail, SMS, whatever) even if he won't reply. If that's the case, I would send him a message telling him that his brother has gotten in touch and asked to stay, and seems unaware that you two have separated. Let your husband know it's his responsibility to inform his family about what is going on or deal with it in whatever immature way he chooses (obviously be more tactful than that). Indicate you do not wish to intrude on his family business (or step on his toes, or break with etiquette, or whatever) by being the one to tell his brother about recent events.
HOWEVER because he has chosen to move out without warning and cut off communication with you, this puts you in a very awkward position. Thus you are giving him 48 hours to either discuss things with you directly, or let you know that he has spoken with his brother and how it went (and a 47th hour promise to phone his brother as soon as it is convenient is not acceptable). If one of those 2 things does not happen, you will be phoning his brother to let him know what you know (which isn't much, since husband is not talking to you), and inviting him to stay (or not) at the house (whatever you choose--that's a separate matter).

And if I were you, I'd archive this as best you can in case he decides to tell people you took the first opportunity to run to his family and make up a bunch of horrible things about him.
posted by K.P. at 11:59 AM on July 2, 2009

Oh, and in the meantime, tell your BIL "things are a bit crazy right this minute for you personally" but you've asked your husband to phone him. And if he hasn't heard from him by the evening of the fourth, to call you.
posted by K.P. at 12:01 PM on July 2, 2009

We all know what happened to Jenny Sanford. You just have to tell them. It's not your job to protect him. If he tells them, he might lie to them. If he has some mental illness that caused him to split all of a sudden, they ought to know so they can help all of you figure this out. It's up to you to tell the truth. Plus, until you're divorced, they're your family, too, and they care about you. Lying to them will make everything worse, probably.
posted by anniecat at 12:14 PM on July 2, 2009

His family deserves to know that your husband has taken a big departure from normalcy. Concerns over who should tell them are irrelevant and childish. In fact, once you do mention it, the first thing they're going to say is "Why didn't you tell us?"

You need to tell them, three weeks ago.
posted by sageleaf at 1:10 PM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think it is incredibly gracious of you to consider having a house guest at this time, and your husband's brother no less. Just wanted to throw in that your response to request doesn't have to be a direct "yes" or "no" -- perhaps you can suggest BiL look for other accommodations first, but offer up your place as a backup. You have my sympathies. This too shall pass.
posted by booksandwine at 1:11 PM on July 2, 2009

Ug, that sounds awful. I'm sorry.

During my seperation from a live-in partner, we went through similar agonizing, lying, covering up, excuses about all this stuff when it came to holidays, visits, etc..

Didn't really help, didn't really matter, it was stressful and agonizing, and our families knew something was wrong anyway. I know both of us felt a hell of a lot better being honest.
posted by RajahKing at 2:59 PM on July 2, 2009

Not directly answering your question, but a friend of mine went through a similar issue with his partner, and did all the same things about pretending the other person was on vacation, had a migraine etc etc.

We all knew something was wrong, and the worst thing was that him pretending nothing was wrong prevented us for being there for them to help them through that period. We were all in a strange limbo of waiting for the truth (which we all knew anyway) to come out so we could be there to listen, be a shoulder to cry on etc.

I nth telling the truth, not just to your brother in law but to everyone.

Good luck.
posted by Admira at 3:27 PM on July 2, 2009

Sounds like this is a family which doesn't keep in contact all that much. I'd just go the "hubby left a month ago and I'm not feeling up to house-guests right now" route. It's up to them then whether they offer you support, try to track down hubby, or whatever.

You don't owe you husband a choice about how you handle this - he's the one who's made consulting him difficult. If you bluff your way through this particular family contact, how long is it going to be before you're going to have to bluff your way through another?

Given all the givens, the thing you need to be focusing on right now is securing your own stability - taking care of the "business" stuff, for starters. You need to do that whether or not you're hoping for eventual reconciliation. His family's feelings about all of this are theirs to deal with - and not your problem. It's easy to let yourself get distracted by concern for others when there's something overwhelming happening in your own world, but doing so could be something you'll live to regret.
posted by Lolie at 3:54 PM on July 2, 2009

maybe you want to tell someone - you've had a huge secret for a month and talked to no one about it. You could just say "now's a bad time", which you didn't really mention as one of your options, but if you feel like you are close enough to the brother in law for that to feel weird/ just like "no", maybe it's because you're close enough to him to share this enormous news. I know I could say "now's a bad time" to some guests, but for those who are close to me, like family, I'd probably feel like I had to be more specific.

So to me, it seems like you are not normally so private that you wouldn't share big news with at least someone, and it's only a sense of loyalty to your husband that's making you wait. But you have waited more than long enough. His family deserves to know he has disappeared, too.
posted by mdn at 9:56 PM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

- Tell the truth to everyone
- Once your BIL knows and if you're okay with him staying with you, leave it up to him to decide to stay or not
- Get a good lawyer
posted by deborah at 5:19 PM on July 6, 2009