zombie chatfilter
November 27, 2004 9:19 AM   Subscribe

The dead are rising. What do you do?

given a romero situation, not fulci or return. i just recently started reading through the zombie survival guide after receiving it as a christmas present and while it's a clever and sometimes funny book, there are issues with some of the finer points
but what's your plan? i'd want a houseboat but know it wouldn't be possible so around here it might be worth it to drive up into the wilderness and rough it.
posted by noisia to Grab Bag (47 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
It depends if there are Zombie Woodland Creatures. I, for one, would not want to be taken down by a rotting squirrel.

I would want a well fortified penthouse in a skyscraper. With helicopter. I figure that cities would be well defended in the first place, but if everything goes awry (ie: building on fire), I'd like to flee to an island ala Day of the Dead.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:49 AM on November 27, 2004

Zombie or not, energy does not come from nothing. They will have to do die out, or you could possibly use them for a zero energy device, where you have them running in hamster like treadmills.

That said, and assuming zombies don't like swimming, your best bet is to get into a gas efficient vehicle and just make it anyway possible to the coast and try to find a small offshore island you can inhabit for a few years. You may need to make trips back to the mainland for supplies and ammo but it should not be that hard. I mean zombies do not have any tactical advantage. Sure in WWII Jews eventually stopped Nazis by jumping out in front of the Nazi guns and overpowering the guards during reload times -- but I assume zombies do not have such an advantage, especially with modern machine guns.
posted by geoff. at 10:05 AM on November 27, 2004

Maybe get a bunch of people and find an old military shelter to live in, a la Jeremiah.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 10:31 AM on November 27, 2004

I'd kill myself, but first I would ask on Mefi how to use a gun.
posted by sebas at 10:42 AM on November 27, 2004 [1 favorite]

Seriously though, if this happens, MeFi might be a good place to coordinate, at least until the electricity fails.

I mean, maybe someone here already HAS a small island. Maybe someone here stockpiles weaponry. and so on.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 10:45 AM on November 27, 2004

Jesus, I'd hate to see AskMetafitler at the end of the world.

"Anyone know a good place to get water in New Jersey?"
"Help! I have an AK-47 (Ukranian model) and it always seems to jam the first bullet of the clip [more inside]"
"I had to kill my parents because they were trying to kill me, and I feel really bad about it [+]"
"My current mattress is giving me back problems, anyone have good suggestions for a new (affordable) mattress?"
posted by geoff. at 11:08 AM on November 27, 2004 [2 favorites]

I would take this opportunity to ask my Grandmother some questions that didn't occur to me before she died.
posted by taz at 11:31 AM on November 27, 2004

I'd start eating. Corpses taste like delicious arctic candy.
posted by loquacious at 11:32 AM on November 27, 2004

Put vaseline under their noses; they'll inhale it and explode.
posted by reflecked at 11:32 AM on November 27, 2004

Your trip to the mall put you in mind of Dawn of the Dead, eh, noisia?

A few thoughts:

Kevlar motorcycle outfit, including gloves and helmet. Helps prevent those annoying bites and scratches that can easily lead to becoming one of the restless dead.

Think defense in depth. Don't depend on one door to keep them out. Give yourself a place to retreat to. Remember: you should be able to outwit a zombie.

Longer term, experiment with the dead. No, don't feed them, for crying out loud. Figure out how they work. Figure out how to stop them. Figure out why they don't attack each other. If you can find a way to get them to eat each other, the problem is pretty much solved.
posted by SPrintF at 11:38 AM on November 27, 2004

I'd wake up.
posted by filmgeek at 11:46 AM on November 27, 2004

That or get the vampires to attack them or the werewolves.
posted by filmgeek at 11:48 AM on November 27, 2004

If they're pretty mindless and like coming right for you, don't waste resources on a mine field like in 28 Days Later, Instead build a giant funnel and lead them into an abattoir. Rotten zombie carcass would probably make for good fertilizer.
posted by joelf at 11:50 AM on November 27, 2004


I'd go to the Winchester, of course.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 12:11 PM on November 27, 2004 [2 favorites]

Shoot the hostage!
posted by kindall at 12:24 PM on November 27, 2004

Zombies come in two flavors: arms-out slow-moving stiff-legged zombies or running zombies ala 28 days. The first kind you can just walk away from to find a safer location at your leisure. The second kind? You're screwed unless you have access to a flamethrower. Zombies hate fire. No, wait, that's Frankenstein monsters. Maybe you can fool them into running off cliffs as the Indians used to do with bison.
posted by TimeFactor at 12:50 PM on November 27, 2004

I have a an extensive Z.A.P (zombie attack plan) If the zombies rise. I would grab my footlockers of food and weapons and head for the local Home Depot. There I would quickly drop the steel shutters over every door and window. I would then barricade every entrance and exit to the building with plywood and concrete (it is Home Depot).

I have detailed plans for natural gas vehicles based on the Home Depot forklifts and wall mounted zombie pendulum to re-kill the dead without wasting precious bullets.

I decided on the Home Depot after some thought because although they don't have much in the way of food, there is a virtual plethora of zombie killing supplies and every shelf is a mini fort with the simple addition of a ladder (on aisle 6).
Yes I am probably certifiable, but my friends and I have planned out the whole thing with a several month long timetable determining what we will do if the undead balloon goes up.
posted by Megafly at 1:17 PM on November 27, 2004

If zombies don't NEED to eat brains, just like to, doesn't that mean they violate one of the laws of thermodynamics?

As suggested above, doesn't that mean, we would have a clean, safe power supply if we hooked enough of them up to treadmills?
posted by hughbot at 1:20 PM on November 27, 2004

I'd secure some sort of weapon first. Preferably one that doesn't require ammo. Like a cricket bat. It's easy to use, you can use it one handed, and assuming you just conk them on the heads, it won't break easily.

Some sort of armor. The father in 28 days later had the right idea. Riot gear.

Then transportation. Air would be preferable, although I don't know how to fly anything, I would most likely have to resort to a vehicle. Perhaps an old Hummer, having that extra heft would be good for moving other vehicles, towing, and off road. If only it ran on fuel cells.

Leave the city. That's the best option (assuming this only affects humans). If that's not an option, I'd had to the closest University. Lots of tall buildings, food. Usually have some sort of steam tunnels (at least ours does) so I can move from building to building, ours is also close to the highways and the Ohio river.

Renewable weaponry would be preferred at this point. Large caliber, possibly .45 caliber ACP Cor-Bon. They do an excellent amount of crushing damage on impact, and would pop a zombie's head like a grape.

Locate a non contaminated water source. I'm not going to fun into a disease situation like Cabin Fever.

Food. Supermarkets are great, but they'll probably already be looted. I'd look for smaller stores outside of town, with canned food.

Being mobile is important, who knows when a giant horde will come shambling after you.

Ham radio/CB, a generator, laptop with a wireless card, perhaps a satellite phone. I'd want to get in contact with the CDC.

Find a place to hole up for awhile. We've got some salt caves around here in Louisville that have multiple exits, and they're pretty big, with air filtration and the like. Plus rich people store many different vehicles there all year around, due to the constant 75 degrees. So there is most likely an auto or parts shop there, generators, and things of that nature.

HAve I been thinking about this too much?
posted by jackofsaxons at 1:43 PM on November 27, 2004

This all makes me wonder: why have I been dreaming about zombies so much lately? I thought it was work-related stress. Maybe I'm tapping into some cultural meme of fear of the dead rising. Why? Both of my nightmares this week involved being eaten alive. Is it fear of being consumed by the corporate culture that I experience every day? Or fear of being surrounded by mindless automatons who can't think for themselves? Why are others seemingly sharing this fear?

Metafilter: The dead are rising.
posted by icetaco at 1:53 PM on November 27, 2004

If I had a dead body...... wait wrong thread.
posted by crusiera at 2:11 PM on November 27, 2004

i keep telling my husband we need a doomsday kit (canned food, water, weapons/ammo, medical supplies, etc). what better excuse than zombies?

i watched dawn of the dead on thanksgiving and went to hobby lobby today. the resemblance was uncanny.
posted by littlegirlblue at 2:20 PM on November 27, 2004

ArmyOfKittens, you *always* want to go to the Winchester...
posted by nthdegx at 2:41 PM on November 27, 2004

Check out Monster Island and Monster Nation for some free, in situ zombie survival goodness.

I personally like the fire sprinklers filled with gasoline (and a convenient open flame nearby) and the boobie trap of garbage bags filled with screws, bolts, and gunpowder, suspended at head-height (both from Monster Island).
posted by Alt F4 at 3:24 PM on November 27, 2004

geoff: Surely you've seen this, right?

Also: great topic, great ideas. And if the dead ever rise, I'm looking you up, jackofsaxons.
posted by ruddhist at 3:25 PM on November 27, 2004

Curses. That should have been Monster Island.
posted by Alt F4 at 3:26 PM on November 27, 2004

The dead are rising. What do you do?

Preheat oven to 375 degrees, bake for 20-25 minutes until golden brown, let cool 30 minutes on wire rack.

Slice and enjoy!
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:30 PM on November 27, 2004 [2 favorites]

Not all zombies eat brains. The vegetarian ones eat grains.

posted by five fresh fish at 4:56 PM on November 27, 2004

I should think all those empty graves and mausoleums would be great places to hide. What zombie would think of looking there?
posted by Mo Nickels at 5:21 PM on November 27, 2004

Not all zombies eat brains. The vegetarian ones eat grains.


Comment of the month. . .
posted by Quartermass at 5:49 PM on November 27, 2004

Good grief, what's the matter with you people? Don't you know anything about the undead?

You are at home, enjoying "reality television" programming on your Tivo. The lights go out, the television fades to a single lingering dot, and the dead rise.
> S

You are in the garage.
> S

You are in the garden. It's dark and cold. You are likely to be eaten by a zombie.

You fumble around for the door of the shed, and after a hurried struggle, open it.

You rummage for several minutes in the dark. As your eyes adjust to the darkness, you find your prize hanging from the wall.


You pick up the boomstick.

*** YOU HAVE WON! ***
Your score is 20 out of a possible 25 points. You played 6 moves.

Would you like to play again [y/N]? N


posted by majick at 7:30 PM on November 27, 2004

Rush scarabic to a secure location.
posted by Prince Nez at 8:03 PM on November 27, 2004

The dead are rising. What do you do?

Get a couple of high-end mics on a tall boom. Make sure I have enough tape. Ideally, I'd prefer to use a removable hard-drive.

Make sure to change tapes, or drives (?) during the lull in space, when Jerry nods off for a moment....

Wait. What? "dead," you say? Not "Dead?"

Ah. well. Never mind.
posted by mmahaffie at 8:35 PM on November 27, 2004 [1 favorite]

Make a cup of tea, of course.
posted by bonaldi at 8:43 PM on November 27, 2004

Two words: Floating Island.

Assuming of course that you could pull it off. But hey, the dead are coming back to life with a taste for flesh, I think you can build a self sustaining floating island. Stock it with all sorts of vegetables, etc. Takes care of the two major problems of the zombie invasion scenario:

1) Gets you the hell away from the undead.
2) Gets you away from the gangs of looters.

Now all you have to worry about are typhoons, giant squid, etc.
posted by pemdasi at 9:45 PM on November 27, 2004

and head for the local Home Depot.

I always figured a Wal-Mart superstore would be best. Food, weapons, ammo and entertainment.
posted by Tenuki at 10:11 PM on November 27, 2004

Q: What do dyslexic zombies eat?
A: Briiiiiaaaaaaans . . .
posted by jenovus at 11:02 PM on November 27, 2004

Medieval weaponry is as good as it gets for zombie killing. Sure, you have to be in close range, but if you're fast and efficient you're set, especially if you're fighting with a partner. I would probably prefer a sword or an impact weapon- crush skulls and sever heads. I second the armor suggestion- even leather can protect you from those deadly bites.

As far as locations go, it's sort of a catch-22: you're better off being isolated, since that limits the number of entry points for the zombies, but if they get in you're essentially dead.

The final solution, though, is pretty grim. Survival is hopeless. Given the simple logistics of the zombie phenomenon, humanity is completely doomed no matter what...unless the outbreak can be contained in the early stages, but there's a critical mass point whereat the zombies cannot be stopped and will continue to multiply until most of humanity is annihilated. The plus side of such a catastrophe is that it would have a positive effect on the evolution of our species, assuming there would be survivors (and I'm inclined to believe there would be). To that end, I disagree with those who would commit suicide if faced with unbeatable odds- if you can't be part of the solution, be part of the problem!

I, for one, think it would be great if the dead did rise. Imagine what a blast it would be to go toe to toe with your best friend and a pair of swords against a horde of the living dead...and then how great it would be to terrorize and consume helpless humans after the zombies inevitably got you. I can't imagine a better fate.

Lastly, I think I want my tombstone inscription to read "Today I'm dead, tomorrow I'll be eating your brains."
posted by baphomet at 11:47 PM on November 27, 2004

The problem I've had with the recent crop of zombie movies is that they truly take our zombie-killing and recognition abilities for granted. In my generation of Resident Evil and House of the Dead veterans, everyone knows what to do in a zombie confrontation. First, and perhaps most importantly, we definitely know a zombie when we see one. None of this "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?" nonsense. You see a zombie, and immediately can tell it's a zombie. Second, everyone knows to blow their brains out. Explosion of the head is ideal; decapitation is another option. We know all the weapons from CS. We know how it spreads, and we know where to shoot. I think a small group of 20 year olds would be able to dominate zombie hordes with this knowledge.
posted by swank6 at 1:00 AM on November 28, 2004

I think it's important to come up with a diplomatic solution. Sure the undead are out there in droves, sure they want to eat your brains...but does that mean you have to be enemies? Just because zombies are threatening to take control over the entire planet doesn't mean we have to lock ourselves in the local Home Depot. Fear and paranoia aren't appropriate responses to a situation like this where we are faced with two very rich cultures, both of which desire to have a stake in society, or...brains. I think we can find a happy medium for zombies and 'norms' to coexist. It is possible for us to integrate into each other's value systems without fully giving up our own individuality. After all, your daughter might bring a zombie over on prom night some day.
posted by Demogorgon at 1:19 AM on November 28, 2004

Guess whose coming to dine on your brains?

Places to go:
Military base (DIY Store for the aggresive)
Ship: Preferably a tanker, it can stay docked as long as looters aren't around
APC: For shopping trips
Helicopter: On the tanker.

People I need:
Someone with military training
Ship's Captain
Someone who can drive
Helicopter Pilot. (could do the first and third jobs but would need a back-up in case of zombie bites)
posted by Navek Rednam at 1:36 AM on November 28, 2004

Turn them into transportation
posted by Katemonkey at 4:23 AM on November 28, 2004

Metafilter: who knows when a giant horde will come shambling after you
posted by anastasiav at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2004

Man, the pro-life bias in this place is just sickening.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:49 AM on November 28, 2004

As you can see from the Zombie Infection Simulator, eventually the zombies clump together. If you can survive the initial attack, then avoiding the clumps should be fairly easy.
posted by bDiddy at 1:39 PM on November 28, 2004

jackofsaxons, slightly off-topic but as someone born and raised in metro Louisville, I have never heard of these salt caves. I live in Detroit now, but would go back to check those out... (couldn't find an EMail on your profile page, sorry).

As far as zombies, I'd say find a diesel car and run it on french-fry oil. An old diesel F-150 or Mercedes could probably smash most zombies, too.
posted by Slothrop at 3:44 PM on November 28, 2004

If zombies don't NEED to eat brains, just like to, doesn't that mean they violate one of the laws of thermodynamics?

They could be solar-powered. Maybe they were cross-bred with plants and can photosynthesize.

If you see any green zombies (by which I mean not the usual pallid gray-green of decaying flesh, but the bright green of healthy plants) be very, very afraid.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:20 AM on November 29, 2004

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