Gimme wisecracks!
November 4, 2004 3:03 PM   Subscribe

I think I should enlarge my reservoir of wisecracks. Can you provide me with any?
posted by Pretty_Generic to Grab Bag (36 answers total)
I don't think you have quite the right idea for that dateā€¦
posted by fvw at 3:05 PM on November 4, 2004

Shut up, you git.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:30 PM on November 4, 2004

Here are some classics.
posted by wendell at 3:35 PM on November 4, 2004

"Your mama" or "Your mom" is a classy way to rebut anything.
posted by Frank Grimes at 3:38 PM on November 4, 2004

Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 4:03 PM on November 4, 2004

Ask that again and I'll smack you so hard your mom'll feel it.

Then I'm going to rip out your tongue and use it to paint my boat.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 4:15 PM on November 4, 2004

A guaranteed groan inducer: "Blank called. It wants its blank back."
posted by tomharpel at 4:16 PM on November 4, 2004

"Go suck a fuck"


"the jerkstore called. They're running out of you."
posted by luriete at 4:18 PM on November 4, 2004

Go spend 5 minutes in the Blue; you'll be all set..... ;-)
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 4:20 PM on November 4, 2004

Like humour and dance, good wisecracks are a response to your partner. Lines are funny like AIDs and people who quote simpsons or monty python.

I find it's more about the mood I'm in, and maybe you do too. So get some funny people around you, or watch some people on tv you like, and it'll just seep in.

Good luck on your date, tiger!
posted by holloway at 4:28 PM on November 4, 2004

So get some funny people around you

Awesome. We're all going on P_G's date!
posted by DrJohnEvans at 4:34 PM on November 4, 2004

If you're white, imitating a black person is both hilarious and hip to your white friends.

Try it yourself! Remark to your random man on the street, "What's up Nigger! Fro'shizzle on the heazy fo' sheazy, I am in the mood for stizawberries yo!"

Once you've mastered that, you can move on to more eclectic witticisms. Quickly becoming popular from the success of Will And Grace and Queer Eye: try imitating a flaming homosexual.
posted by Stan Chin at 4:39 PM on November 4, 2004

Also talk about everyone being on crack. Eg, "That waiter's late, must be on crack", "george bush must be smoking some bad crack to think...", " *pointing-at-random-guy* crack. yo. crack."
posted by holloway at 4:50 PM on November 4, 2004

One I blurted out while drunk at a Mormon wedding, "He took to it sorta like fat girls take to cupcakes and jesus."
posted by nathan_teske at 5:09 PM on November 4, 2004

Pretty_Generic, don't make me come over there and break my foot off in your ass.
posted by epimorph at 5:16 PM on November 4, 2004

Since the thread has entered the ironic zone, here are some more stale wisecrack formulas:

* If the subject is X, get a hip sitcom sheen by talking about "that whole X thing" to amuse everyone

* In more nerdy environments, you can always get a laugh with some variation of "I'm going to have to kill you!"
posted by inksyndicate at 5:37 PM on November 4, 2004

How the heck does someone get drunk at a Mormon wedding?
posted by konolia at 5:39 PM on November 4, 2004

you don't need wisecracks. Ask a lot of questions, and compliment her, and about us. : >
posted by amberglow at 5:57 PM on November 4, 2004
posted by Mossy at 6:19 PM on November 4, 2004

Well konolia, it's like this. Your basic difference between jews, protestants and mormons is that jews don't recognize jesus, protestants don't recognize the pope, and mormons don't recognize each other in liquor stores.

A mormon I once told that to said that sometimes one even fails to recognize family members in liquor stores.
posted by kenko at 7:15 PM on November 4, 2004

How about referring to things as "the" all the time...Like, hmmm...this is lame example, but "I like the computers" instead of "I like computers"? This gets a small chuckle on occasion. Oh and, when you are doing something mundane, and someone asks how you are doing? Tell them you are "living a dream". They love that.

If all else fails, that whole motherfucking piece of cocksucking cunt shit sounds like a good move.
posted by Richat at 7:24 PM on November 4, 2004

I fake-mispronounce words for comic effect. This is a two-pronged method: Prong one is that sometimes it's actually funny. Prong two is that I sometimes get away with accidental mispronunciations under the guise of attempted humor.

The problem with being "witty" is that it's very, very context-dependent. There's never a universal response (not even "maybe YOU are!") with the exception of when you're asked a light-bulb joke:
Some jerkface: "How many XXXXs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
You: "Two. The trouble's getting them in there."

Also mixed metaphors are funny.
posted by j.edwards at 7:39 PM on November 4, 2004

Mate, if you can't make them up on the spot, they aren't wisecracks. Do not attempt to crack wise until... just don't. Let it come out naturally.

I of course am extremely funny, especially when I have been drinking. Like now, in fact.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:24 PM on November 4, 2004

Free tadpoles and crescent wrenches for everyone!

It's all about context. I found that line side-splitting.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 10:27 PM on November 4, 2004

You're so stupid if I move your plate five inches you'd starve to death.

luriete, how exactly does one "suck a fuck"?
posted by dobbs at 2:03 AM on November 5, 2004

dobbs, you'll need to ask Elizabeth Darko.

I know you are, but what am I?
posted by jmcmurry at 4:58 AM on November 5, 2004

Richat, while "the'" is indeed amusing, "teh" is the current paradigm of humor.
posted by sageleaf at 6:06 AM on November 5, 2004

When I first started to read this I thought it was "I thought I should enlarge my penis....".
posted by Eekacat at 6:55 AM on November 5, 2004

But does anyone say "teh", as opposed to merely writing it? I propose that the answer is no, and that anyone who did speak it would instantly signal that he or she had no grasp of subtlety or medium.
posted by kenko at 7:13 AM on November 5, 2004

In matters both political and comedic, always consult Marx

* I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

* Go! And never darken my towels again!

* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

* She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
posted by Capn at 7:25 AM on November 5, 2004

Um, people.... "Wisecracks don't help people find answers. Thanks."
posted by dobbs at 9:59 AM on November 5, 2004

dobbs, that was actually quite funny.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:05 PM on November 5, 2004

Your mom.

The universal response.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 12:29 PM on November 5, 2004

Also talk about everyone being on crack. Eg, "That waiter's late, must be on crack", "george bush must be smoking some bad crack to think

Currently Dave and I walk around secretly pointing at people "He voted for Bush" "She definately voted for Bush" "Oh man, he voted for Cheney." It'll probably get old fast, but for now we takes our giggles were we can get em.

Also, from an old Humphrey Bogart movie (before fuck and cocksucker made it to the show) "You blind, knuckleheaded squirrel."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 2:55 PM on November 5, 2004

What a bunch of codswallop eating leg humpers.
posted by NortonDC at 5:07 PM on November 5, 2004

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