Can we and/or the kids be friends?
January 11, 2009 11:39 AM Subscribe
Can this mommy friendship be saved? Please forgive my overly long background story...
My son is almost four-and-a-half; since I'm the one who sets up his playdates and activities, I'm the one who basically maintains his friendships and, by extension, has "mommy friendships" with the parents (usually the moms) or an occasional grandmother or nanny. Many times, of course, we have little in common besides our children's ages or shared interests. While these parents are extremely nice and decent people, I'm sure I probably wouldn't have ever met them or sought out friendships with them if not for our kids. One exception was a woman I'll call Mommy #1, who I met through our sons' preschool about two years ago. I felt that Mommy #1 and I were both very driven by our work, we both had backgrounds working on Wall Street (although by the time we met I'd left, and was running my own business), and we seemed to have similar parenting philosophies in a lot of ways (e.g., restrictive TV watching, exposing the kids to museums, concerts, etc.). I looked forward to hopefully developing more of a genuine friendship with Mommy #1.
For the first year, I didn't see much of Mommy #1 because of her heavy work schedule. She and I would set up the playdates, but I would spend time with her nanny (since I set my own work hours) while the boys played. Since the nanny didn't drive, I would always chauffeur everyone -- to the children's museum, arts-and-crafts classes, swimming -- wherever we planned to go, or we'd have playdates at Mommy #1's house. Mommy #1 did some very nice things for me too; for example, they invited us to be their houseguests at their summer house, and gave us concerts tickets to join them in attending a big-name performance. Their nanny was so good to me too, suggesting several times that I leave both boys with her -- my son was always very well-behaved -- so I could go off and work for a few hours (to me this was the hugest favor; I was glad to take advantage of this!).
In the last year, I got busier with my work commitments and asked Mommy #1 if I could set up with her a standing one-afternoon-a-week playdate in which I could leave my son with her nanny so I could see clients. (My regular babysitter could only work evenings, not during business hours). I offered to pay the nanny or reciprocate babysitting with my own time. By this time Mommy #1 was no longer working, but still employed her full-time nanny. Mommy #1 declined, saying that she couldn't make a long-term commitment, which of course was her perogative. I found another family that could accommodate this arrangement instead.
I know this is already running way too long, but I need to mention that my son has overcome many early developmental delays. He was given an autism diagnosis at 2 (which was rescinded within a year, after he made great progress). I hid this from my son's preschool, but did finally admit it to both the nanny and Mommy #1 as I got to know them better (I don't think they would have known what his deal was otherwise). So I always spent a great deal of time observing my son's interactions with others and ensuring his after-school hours were always set up with playdates and other enriching activities. I liked that my son could spend time with Mommy #1's son, who was "typically developing" and therefore could be a good influence. On one playdate I poured out my heart to her with my concerns over my son's future; later I thought I'd perhaps sounded too needy. Over time, though, I did feel that my son was the much better behaved of the two (he can share toys well, etc.) and actually much more physically coordinated (even though my son is slightly behind in his gross motor skills and still receives physical therapy) -- so I thought hey, my son could be a good influence on him in some ways too! This was a revelation for me. Right now my son's only real issues are that he needs speech therapy (his articulation is quite poor, so he sounds like he's speaking baby talk, yet his vocabulary is well above age level) and his fine motor skills are delayed (e.g., his handwriting is very weak, although he is already able to spell some words and is learning to read).
After not seeing each other as frequently, we had a playdate last year where I hung out with Mommy #2 while the boys played. Apparently Mommy #1's son was imitating my son's speech patterns -- I didn't notice -- and I was shocked to hear Mommy #1 repeatedly scold her son by saying things like "Talk normally!" She apologized to me for her son's behavior, but I wasn't bothered by that -- goodness knows all kids imitate what they hear others say -- I was bothered by her labeling of what was normal (or not normal) in front of my son (who was too young to care, but still...)
I was hurt and purposely didn't initiate contact with her for several months. I decided to put it behind me, and was friendly at the few places where our paths did cross. The kids were in different schools by then, so our paths didn't cross as much. We organized maybe one or two playdates after that, but more often than not the only times I saw them was when we crossed paths accidentally. I invited her son to my son's birthday party, but they didn't come. It wasn't until a couple of months later, when I realized my son hadn't been invited to her son's party, that I belatedly realized that she was avoiding me too.
I wondered to myself, why? Did she think my son (who didn't talk normally) was a bad influence? I decided that couldn't possibly be it, largely because we have another mommy friend in common (Mommy #3) who realized much later than I did that her son had developmental delays. In the past year, I have given Mommy #3 a great deal of advice about seeking services, my opinion of local therapists, the whole Early Intervention process, etc. Mommy #3's son is more severely delayed than my son is. Mommy #1 and Mommy #3 both have full-time nannies who, I discovered, meet up with the boys for a standing once-a-week playdate, the kind that I'd requested. So I figured that if Mommy #1's son was able to play with Mommy #3's son regularly, then it couldn't be that Mommy #1 had a prejudice about special needs.
I decided that I was the problem -- I figured that Mommy #1 thought that I was too much of a "taker," since playdates were always at her house, we'd been their guests in at their summer place and were unable to reciprocate.
Today we ran into each other again, and Mommy #1's son asked me if my son could come play at his house today. I said no, not today, but we'd be glad to play another day. Mommy #1 then frowned and told me that was still concerned about her son's imitation (my first suspicion), and that was why she didn't invite us around anymore. She then told me how her son was now imitating the way that Mommy #3's son spoke and what a huge problem that was.
I laughed -- at the moment, I figured I could either laugh or be offended -- but now, hours later, I am back to being offended. My son will probably still need years of speech therapy. Is she really saying that she doesn't want them to play together anymore, ever, or -- by extension -- be friends with me? Should I just write her off as hopelessly insensitive?
(Let me also say that I know I'm very lucky if this is the worst kind of problem that I'm facing in terms of my son's special needs these days -- thanks for reading all of this, and for any insights you can offer!)
My son is almost four-and-a-half; since I'm the one who sets up his playdates and activities, I'm the one who basically maintains his friendships and, by extension, has "mommy friendships" with the parents (usually the moms) or an occasional grandmother or nanny. Many times, of course, we have little in common besides our children's ages or shared interests. While these parents are extremely nice and decent people, I'm sure I probably wouldn't have ever met them or sought out friendships with them if not for our kids. One exception was a woman I'll call Mommy #1, who I met through our sons' preschool about two years ago. I felt that Mommy #1 and I were both very driven by our work, we both had backgrounds working on Wall Street (although by the time we met I'd left, and was running my own business), and we seemed to have similar parenting philosophies in a lot of ways (e.g., restrictive TV watching, exposing the kids to museums, concerts, etc.). I looked forward to hopefully developing more of a genuine friendship with Mommy #1.
For the first year, I didn't see much of Mommy #1 because of her heavy work schedule. She and I would set up the playdates, but I would spend time with her nanny (since I set my own work hours) while the boys played. Since the nanny didn't drive, I would always chauffeur everyone -- to the children's museum, arts-and-crafts classes, swimming -- wherever we planned to go, or we'd have playdates at Mommy #1's house. Mommy #1 did some very nice things for me too; for example, they invited us to be their houseguests at their summer house, and gave us concerts tickets to join them in attending a big-name performance. Their nanny was so good to me too, suggesting several times that I leave both boys with her -- my son was always very well-behaved -- so I could go off and work for a few hours (to me this was the hugest favor; I was glad to take advantage of this!).
In the last year, I got busier with my work commitments and asked Mommy #1 if I could set up with her a standing one-afternoon-a-week playdate in which I could leave my son with her nanny so I could see clients. (My regular babysitter could only work evenings, not during business hours). I offered to pay the nanny or reciprocate babysitting with my own time. By this time Mommy #1 was no longer working, but still employed her full-time nanny. Mommy #1 declined, saying that she couldn't make a long-term commitment, which of course was her perogative. I found another family that could accommodate this arrangement instead.
I know this is already running way too long, but I need to mention that my son has overcome many early developmental delays. He was given an autism diagnosis at 2 (which was rescinded within a year, after he made great progress). I hid this from my son's preschool, but did finally admit it to both the nanny and Mommy #1 as I got to know them better (I don't think they would have known what his deal was otherwise). So I always spent a great deal of time observing my son's interactions with others and ensuring his after-school hours were always set up with playdates and other enriching activities. I liked that my son could spend time with Mommy #1's son, who was "typically developing" and therefore could be a good influence. On one playdate I poured out my heart to her with my concerns over my son's future; later I thought I'd perhaps sounded too needy. Over time, though, I did feel that my son was the much better behaved of the two (he can share toys well, etc.) and actually much more physically coordinated (even though my son is slightly behind in his gross motor skills and still receives physical therapy) -- so I thought hey, my son could be a good influence on him in some ways too! This was a revelation for me. Right now my son's only real issues are that he needs speech therapy (his articulation is quite poor, so he sounds like he's speaking baby talk, yet his vocabulary is well above age level) and his fine motor skills are delayed (e.g., his handwriting is very weak, although he is already able to spell some words and is learning to read).
After not seeing each other as frequently, we had a playdate last year where I hung out with Mommy #2 while the boys played. Apparently Mommy #1's son was imitating my son's speech patterns -- I didn't notice -- and I was shocked to hear Mommy #1 repeatedly scold her son by saying things like "Talk normally!" She apologized to me for her son's behavior, but I wasn't bothered by that -- goodness knows all kids imitate what they hear others say -- I was bothered by her labeling of what was normal (or not normal) in front of my son (who was too young to care, but still...)
I was hurt and purposely didn't initiate contact with her for several months. I decided to put it behind me, and was friendly at the few places where our paths did cross. The kids were in different schools by then, so our paths didn't cross as much. We organized maybe one or two playdates after that, but more often than not the only times I saw them was when we crossed paths accidentally. I invited her son to my son's birthday party, but they didn't come. It wasn't until a couple of months later, when I realized my son hadn't been invited to her son's party, that I belatedly realized that she was avoiding me too.
I wondered to myself, why? Did she think my son (who didn't talk normally) was a bad influence? I decided that couldn't possibly be it, largely because we have another mommy friend in common (Mommy #3) who realized much later than I did that her son had developmental delays. In the past year, I have given Mommy #3 a great deal of advice about seeking services, my opinion of local therapists, the whole Early Intervention process, etc. Mommy #3's son is more severely delayed than my son is. Mommy #1 and Mommy #3 both have full-time nannies who, I discovered, meet up with the boys for a standing once-a-week playdate, the kind that I'd requested. So I figured that if Mommy #1's son was able to play with Mommy #3's son regularly, then it couldn't be that Mommy #1 had a prejudice about special needs.
I decided that I was the problem -- I figured that Mommy #1 thought that I was too much of a "taker," since playdates were always at her house, we'd been their guests in at their summer place and were unable to reciprocate.
Today we ran into each other again, and Mommy #1's son asked me if my son could come play at his house today. I said no, not today, but we'd be glad to play another day. Mommy #1 then frowned and told me that was still concerned about her son's imitation (my first suspicion), and that was why she didn't invite us around anymore. She then told me how her son was now imitating the way that Mommy #3's son spoke and what a huge problem that was.
I laughed -- at the moment, I figured I could either laugh or be offended -- but now, hours later, I am back to being offended. My son will probably still need years of speech therapy. Is she really saying that she doesn't want them to play together anymore, ever, or -- by extension -- be friends with me? Should I just write her off as hopelessly insensitive?
(Let me also say that I know I'm very lucky if this is the worst kind of problem that I'm facing in terms of my son's special needs these days -- thanks for reading all of this, and for any insights you can offer!)
Should I just write her off as hopelessly insensitive?
Yes and petty.
posted by lee at 11:49 AM on January 11, 2009
Yes and petty.
posted by lee at 11:49 AM on January 11, 2009
You sound like a wonderful parent. The other woman though sounds far too protective and insensitive. You articulated to her concerns that any good parent would have and she in turn has snubbed you.
There are better friends out there for both you and your child.
Have you tried meeting other parents through an autism support group?
posted by wfrgms at 11:52 AM on January 11, 2009
There are better friends out there for both you and your child.
Have you tried meeting other parents through an autism support group?
posted by wfrgms at 11:52 AM on January 11, 2009
Okay, the fact is that you don't know and will never know why Mommy #1 didn't want to be buddies with you and your kiddo. It could have been your kid, it could have been your kid's developmental delays or something else. It could have been you. Again, you will NEVER know.
You could ask her why, but I wouldn't.
If it were me, I'd stop worrying about it. Be friendly when your paths cross, as you have. I'd stop talking about them with your other mommy friends too.
It sounds like you are in a large enough kid social circle that you can find other mommy friends.
I have an 8-week-old and I am already learning that mommy social circles are more ruthless than middle school. I look forward to reading this thread for more advice on managing these relationships.
posted by k8t at 11:54 AM on January 11, 2009
You could ask her why, but I wouldn't.
If it were me, I'd stop worrying about it. Be friendly when your paths cross, as you have. I'd stop talking about them with your other mommy friends too.
It sounds like you are in a large enough kid social circle that you can find other mommy friends.
I have an 8-week-old and I am already learning that mommy social circles are more ruthless than middle school. I look forward to reading this thread for more advice on managing these relationships.
posted by k8t at 11:54 AM on January 11, 2009
PS, sounds like your kiddo is going to be in fulltime school soon which will provide more mommy friends for you. Also check your local Meetup.com's mommy groups.
posted by k8t at 11:55 AM on January 11, 2009
posted by k8t at 11:55 AM on January 11, 2009
Uh, I think you can find nicer friends.
My suggestion-try to find a mommy friend with more than one child. They tend not to be quite so anal about their childrearing, if you get what I am implying.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:56 AM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
My suggestion-try to find a mommy friend with more than one child. They tend not to be quite so anal about their childrearing, if you get what I am implying.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:56 AM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
From your presentation of this matter, I agree that the woman is probably being quite honest about her concerns over her son's imitation of your son's speech patterns, and that is probably the only reason you and your son aren't socializing with her anymore. I think it's terrible that she would weed out her son's friends based on there not being "up to par" and would be hurt and offended by this too. But I don't think there's much more you can do to try to restablish the friendship.
posted by orange swan at 11:56 AM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by orange swan at 11:56 AM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Is she really saying that she doesn't want them to play together anymore, ever, or -- by extension -- be friends with me?
Ask her. Seriously, this is between you two and will only get more awkward over the years as the boys want to play but one or both of you won't let them. You were both on Wall Street, talk and negotiate about what would be best for your kids individually and how you two can improve that by having your kids play together. If you feel you're being needy, offer to take a more active role where you invite her son over to your house or some such.
As to Mommy#1, her reaction is understandable, she's looking at for her cub at this very impressionable age, so if she's not "right" per se, she can be forgiven .
Otherwise, a lot of this stuff is in your head and your own projections. Not that you're crazy or wrong, but you need to work it out with Mommy#1 so that both are you see your boys playing together as a good thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:57 AM on January 11, 2009
Ask her. Seriously, this is between you two and will only get more awkward over the years as the boys want to play but one or both of you won't let them. You were both on Wall Street, talk and negotiate about what would be best for your kids individually and how you two can improve that by having your kids play together. If you feel you're being needy, offer to take a more active role where you invite her son over to your house or some such.
As to Mommy#1, her reaction is understandable, she's looking at for her cub at this very impressionable age, so if she's not "right" per se, she can be forgiven .
Otherwise, a lot of this stuff is in your head and your own projections. Not that you're crazy or wrong, but you need to work it out with Mommy#1 so that both are you see your boys playing together as a good thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:57 AM on January 11, 2009
Jesus Christ on a stick!, (sorry crucifix) Fuck this Mommy Number 1!!!
You want your child to be exposed to different bacteria, different germs, different developmental issues because that way he will develop the coping strategies, either imunologically or developmentally, that makes him an all-round human. You also need her because juggling childcare and a full time job is exhausting. But do you need her enough to put up with this crap???
She wants to isolate her son so he mimics her status. You do not need that for your son. Find another friend/son/child and stop, for fuck's sake!, calling her Mommy # 1 (I just found the US number sign on my keyboard) because it suggests you are less than her.
Believe me, you're not!
posted by Wilder at 12:10 PM on January 11, 2009
You want your child to be exposed to different bacteria, different germs, different developmental issues because that way he will develop the coping strategies, either imunologically or developmentally, that makes him an all-round human. You also need her because juggling childcare and a full time job is exhausting. But do you need her enough to put up with this crap???
She wants to isolate her son so he mimics her status. You do not need that for your son. Find another friend/son/child and stop, for fuck's sake!, calling her Mommy # 1 (I just found the US number sign on my keyboard) because it suggests you are less than her.
Believe me, you're not!
posted by Wilder at 12:10 PM on January 11, 2009
Should I just write her off as hopelessly insensitive?
Oh, definitely. DEFINITELY.
I nanny with a little girl who has some speech delay issues and it is so, SO good for HER to spend time with "normal" kids. If this mother can't see that her son can be doing some good for these other kids in the hour or two a week that they play together, she really doesn't deserve your friendship.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:41 PM on January 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Oh, definitely. DEFINITELY.
I nanny with a little girl who has some speech delay issues and it is so, SO good for HER to spend time with "normal" kids. If this mother can't see that her son can be doing some good for these other kids in the hour or two a week that they play together, she really doesn't deserve your friendship.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:41 PM on January 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Literally speaking, it doesn't sound like there's a friendship to be saved. It sounds like you were good acquaintances, never actual friends.
Also, unless you ask her directly, you will never know for sure what the deal is. Yes, most of the signs point to her acting irrationally, but who knows what's going through her mind?
It seems to me you are investing way more emotion and time into this than it's worth.
If she's being a jerk, too bad for her. She had the opportunity introduce her son to all the different sorts of delightful people in the world, but she's choosing to put him in a bubble. She is inhibiting both her and her son's development. Maybe one day she'll realize what she's doing wrong, maybe she won't.
If there's anything I would get out of this, it's that it's a little reminder of the people who have deal with jerks on a daily basis, multiplied by 1000, based on some superficiality. And that I (*shockingly*) can also be quite a jerk on my own.
In any case, it sounds like you and your son are blessed and in good health. You're wasting time. Go enjoy your life with your son and don't your fixation on this lady rob one more minute of your awesome life.
posted by uxo at 12:47 PM on January 11, 2009
Also, unless you ask her directly, you will never know for sure what the deal is. Yes, most of the signs point to her acting irrationally, but who knows what's going through her mind?
It seems to me you are investing way more emotion and time into this than it's worth.
If she's being a jerk, too bad for her. She had the opportunity introduce her son to all the different sorts of delightful people in the world, but she's choosing to put him in a bubble. She is inhibiting both her and her son's development. Maybe one day she'll realize what she's doing wrong, maybe she won't.
If there's anything I would get out of this, it's that it's a little reminder of the people who have deal with jerks on a daily basis, multiplied by 1000, based on some superficiality. And that I (*shockingly*) can also be quite a jerk on my own.
In any case, it sounds like you and your son are blessed and in good health. You're wasting time. Go enjoy your life with your son and don't your fixation on this lady rob one more minute of your awesome life.
posted by uxo at 12:47 PM on January 11, 2009
You're probably going to hate me for saying this, but I've found that often times, moms of special-needs kids are not 100% fully in tune with what other people are thinking or doing about their kid, because they are so invested in and in love with their own child.
There is a powerful stigma to mental retardation and mental deficiency - so much so that every few years, we need to invent different phrases, like developmental delay, like autism, like special needs - to name the phenomenon. I see this as essentially a societal attempt to end-run around this stigma. It is doomed to failure.
You are quick to criticize your friend's insensitivity. Since you are the more sensitive one, you need to be sensitive to the feelings aroused by special-needs children. To some patients, a special-needs child is the sum of all fears. Your child, as inappropriate and unfortunate as it is, may serve as a symbol and reminder of these fears, through no fault of his own. This is unjust - and it is not going to go away, it is something you and your child will be dealing with as long as his needs are beyond the mainstream.
You can position yourself and your child as gentle, quiet ambassadors for incremental change to these great injustices; or you can "write off" everyone who doesn't share your view of your own child's essential perfection. I favor the former approach, for those who are strong enough to bear it. I want you to know that I endorse your child's essential perfection as a member of humanity, and I have empathy for your and his current difficulties.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:55 PM on January 11, 2009 [13 favorites]
There is a powerful stigma to mental retardation and mental deficiency - so much so that every few years, we need to invent different phrases, like developmental delay, like autism, like special needs - to name the phenomenon. I see this as essentially a societal attempt to end-run around this stigma. It is doomed to failure.
You are quick to criticize your friend's insensitivity. Since you are the more sensitive one, you need to be sensitive to the feelings aroused by special-needs children. To some patients, a special-needs child is the sum of all fears. Your child, as inappropriate and unfortunate as it is, may serve as a symbol and reminder of these fears, through no fault of his own. This is unjust - and it is not going to go away, it is something you and your child will be dealing with as long as his needs are beyond the mainstream.
You can position yourself and your child as gentle, quiet ambassadors for incremental change to these great injustices; or you can "write off" everyone who doesn't share your view of your own child's essential perfection. I favor the former approach, for those who are strong enough to bear it. I want you to know that I endorse your child's essential perfection as a member of humanity, and I have empathy for your and his current difficulties.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:55 PM on January 11, 2009 [13 favorites]
Over time, though, I did feel that my son was the much better behaved of the two (he can share toys well, etc.) and actually much more physically coordinated (even though my son is slightly behind in his gross motor skills and still receives physical therapy) -- so I thought hey, my son could be a good influence on him in some ways too!
Yes to what's been said above about moving on and forgetting about Mother #1, but....it sounds like you're really wrapped up in the drama and competitiveness of comparing toddlers as well. Toddlers. Ask yourself what the real point of this is, whether or not it is healthy and conducive to how you'd like your own kid to be evaluated/judged. Out of curiosity, if your child had been mimicking his playmate's "bad" behavior after spending time with him, would you have pulled back as well?
posted by availablelight at 12:56 PM on January 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
Yes to what's been said above about moving on and forgetting about Mother #1, but....it sounds like you're really wrapped up in the drama and competitiveness of comparing toddlers as well. Toddlers. Ask yourself what the real point of this is, whether or not it is healthy and conducive to how you'd like your own kid to be evaluated/judged. Out of curiosity, if your child had been mimicking his playmate's "bad" behavior after spending time with him, would you have pulled back as well?
posted by availablelight at 12:56 PM on January 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
Yes, about that comment availablelight quoted, comparing toddlers.
I was thinking, "WTF? You all sound like you have way too much time on your hands."
posted by uxo at 1:15 PM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was thinking, "WTF? You all sound like you have way too much time on your hands."
posted by uxo at 1:15 PM on January 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
What is it about Mommy1 (M1) that attracts you? Can you find these traits in others who'll want to be your friend?
What does your son like most about M1's son? Can you find other children who have these qualities?
More often than not, people distance from us for convoluted reasons, and they're unable or unwilling to reveal them. If there have been prior positive shared experiences, they may remain ambivalent about whether to fully disconnect from us.
Trust your instincts and look to M1's behaviors for answers. M1 has made no effort to build a relationship with you and your son. This is regretful, but rather than agonize over past interactions, use the experience to guide you to new friends.
posted by terranova at 1:15 PM on January 11, 2009
What does your son like most about M1's son? Can you find other children who have these qualities?
More often than not, people distance from us for convoluted reasons, and they're unable or unwilling to reveal them. If there have been prior positive shared experiences, they may remain ambivalent about whether to fully disconnect from us.
Trust your instincts and look to M1's behaviors for answers. M1 has made no effort to build a relationship with you and your son. This is regretful, but rather than agonize over past interactions, use the experience to guide you to new friends.
posted by terranova at 1:15 PM on January 11, 2009
Sometimes we have to be the change we wish to see in the world. I agree that she's being annoying, but would you consider asking her about it? "Hey, I've heard a few times from you that you're worried about your kid mimicking language patterns...." Because as he starts school, you're going to come into contact with other parents, teachers, assistants, and kids who have similar responses (about whatever issue is going on - speech or otherwise). One of the things about being different - especially with uber-successful folks - is that sometimes you have to tell them how to know otherwise. How to act otherwise. It sucks, I know, I'm sorry, she should know better. But she doesn't. So would you rather write her off or give her a little access into how to negotiate difference?
posted by barnone at 1:18 PM on January 11, 2009
posted by barnone at 1:18 PM on January 11, 2009
I'm not a mom, so perhaps I have no business in this thread, but the mommies in this clique seem way to invested in micro-managing the lives of their toddlers. Sure, I guess it's good to want to restrict tv and maximize cultural experiences, but the toddlers I know are busy sucking on things and drooling, not contemplating Mozart.
First, it is not clear the extent of your kid's developmental delays, as they are couched in convoluted phrasing nor is it clear the number of mommies in your clique. You need to think more objectively about your child's verbal and motor skills vis a vis his peer group as perceived by others.
Second, it sounds like when you poured your heart out to one of the mommies, that amplified your kid's developmental problems and turned one or more of the mommies off.
Whatever the case, there's a lot of judgmental nonsense among the adults about the criteria one needs to for friendship with other women.
If I were mommy #1, highly involved in the unstructured play between my toddler and his friends, which I hope I'd never be, but if I were, and my son's two close friends had developmental delays that he started to mimic, I'd probably want to take a step back and look for a broader range of diversity among his friendship base-- kids from different ethnic groups, socioeconomic backgrounds, and developmental advantages, if there is such a thing.
Toddler age is an important time for language acquisition so I can understand her worries, although I don't agree with the way she's handling the situation.
Maybe this question strikes a chord with me because it seems to confirm my suspicions that parents today are hyper-involved in their kids very young lives. You can do better in the friend department and should write this one off. Look for mommy friends who meet your criteria elsewhere. I bet your toddler, regardless of whether he's leaps and bounds ahead or behind the other babies, won't notice or care if he's introduced to a new group of baby friends.
posted by vincele at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2009
First, it is not clear the extent of your kid's developmental delays, as they are couched in convoluted phrasing nor is it clear the number of mommies in your clique. You need to think more objectively about your child's verbal and motor skills vis a vis his peer group as perceived by others.
Second, it sounds like when you poured your heart out to one of the mommies, that amplified your kid's developmental problems and turned one or more of the mommies off.
Whatever the case, there's a lot of judgmental nonsense among the adults about the criteria one needs to for friendship with other women.
If I were mommy #1, highly involved in the unstructured play between my toddler and his friends, which I hope I'd never be, but if I were, and my son's two close friends had developmental delays that he started to mimic, I'd probably want to take a step back and look for a broader range of diversity among his friendship base-- kids from different ethnic groups, socioeconomic backgrounds, and developmental advantages, if there is such a thing.
Toddler age is an important time for language acquisition so I can understand her worries, although I don't agree with the way she's handling the situation.
Maybe this question strikes a chord with me because it seems to confirm my suspicions that parents today are hyper-involved in their kids very young lives. You can do better in the friend department and should write this one off. Look for mommy friends who meet your criteria elsewhere. I bet your toddler, regardless of whether he's leaps and bounds ahead or behind the other babies, won't notice or care if he's introduced to a new group of baby friends.
posted by vincele at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2009
"Can we and/or the kids be friends? Can this mommy friendship be saved?"
I don't think the mommy friendship can be saved, if what you had wasn't really a friendship. If you were actually genuine friends, as you said, with staunch loyalty and understanding through ups and downs; and warm fuzzies and enjoyment and the caring that comes with what most would consider a friendship (you know, all of those dictionary words: amity, camaraderie, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, fellowship, fellow feeling, closeness, affinity, rapport, understanding, harmony, unity, intimacy etc...) then this wouldn't have happened. What you may have had was an acquaintance, or an arrangement, with some reciprocal kindnesses. A connection with mutual benefits. A pleasant association that was dependent upon certain conditions. What you may be able to reestablish is a working relationship again, for the benefit of the boys. Special needs and insensitivity or sensitivity has nothing to do with it - it's just that you two mommies didn't really click. Perhaps the nannies really click, and that's why the standing playdate exists - it's a benefit to her employment? Which might not last if the perceived problem of speech imitation continues?
And maybe you can't have the prior arrangments - you might need to let the boys' friendship seek its own level. I think, sure, the boys can have a friendship. My experience tells me that kids' standards for friendship is based on proximity and whim, with very little quality control (I have an almost five year old). So what has to happen is not anything more than a renewed agreement with conditions set between you and the other mommy.
We have maintained playdates this with a child from a daycare our daughter no longer attends. We parents don't get along at all, and there are certain games that this child plays that ours isn't allowed (technically, paths of play ours isn't allowed to travel down). I wait until Little Pea indicates the desire to spend time with Friendy (or vice versa) and what happens is an email (or phone) conversation like this: "Little Pea is missing Friendy. If you'll be at the nearby park any day this week, we'd like to drop by so they can have some time together." The setting is neutral, the games I dislike can't happen easily there, and we each can mingle with other moms we like more (or sit on benches and be very interested in our coffees) and keep an eye on them. It's not so intense. It works well enough. It maintains as much of the connection between Little Pea and Friendy that they want - and I think it's an important part of maturing (for both of us). I respect that as a growing person, she needs to explore friendship. It doesn't always have to be perfect. It's a relief to realize that I don't have to be friends with the parents of my daughter's friends - and that I can use the things I don't personally care much for about Friendy as learning lessons on the way home. Such as, "Do friends call each other names like that?" and "Do you think it's nice that Friendy only wants to play with the blonde girls and tells Frienderella, whom you like too, that she can't play too?" and "Mommy and Friendy's mom disagree about the use of this public space". (But I digress...)
"Talk normally!" stood out to me as perhaps something mis-spoken. With kids, I speak more simply, and I'm led to think that it's more meant as "Speak as you normally do" , or it may have been said in frustration. After all, I'm so incredibly sick of the seemingly endless proclamations that "Your name is fill-in-the-blanky head" that are in imitation of Friendy, and I can't believe I have to remind Little Pea EVERY TIME that we never want to hear that chez Good. If Mom #1 doesn't spend much time around kids (don't jump on me - but I'm reading that from the nanny, job and other descriptions) she may not know that stuff like this happens, and it all resolves itself, so she's hyper-managing what she can and forgetting that a lot of things can be dealt with at home, and in private. Because she's really busy, just as you are, and it's just not fun not to be able to relax around someone, and then to have to deal with lingering behaviour that you don't like in your kid in your "free" time. Genuine friends ought to be more forgiving of each other, but we're all sensitive about our kids and get tunnel vision in the tough spots.
I ask these questions when I think of what you wrote: Are you sure you want to encourage this - or is minimizing it really best for everyone? Do you need this in your life? Does your son want this as much as you do? I don't have every friend I've ever made since I was four or even twenty or thirty-four - do you? Forgetting about influences and arrangements and philosophies and reciprocation - does anyone here just plain like each other and want to spend time together? It seems like the boys do, once in a while - can it be kept as simple as that? And what would her answers to these questions be? It seems like she's made her decision.
Good luck, and I hope you find what you're seeking. Thank you, for giving me food for thought today. And I probably could have just posted that last paragraph, but I feel for you. I do. So much that should be simple is so hard.
posted by peagood at 2:28 PM on January 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
I don't think the mommy friendship can be saved, if what you had wasn't really a friendship. If you were actually genuine friends, as you said, with staunch loyalty and understanding through ups and downs; and warm fuzzies and enjoyment and the caring that comes with what most would consider a friendship (you know, all of those dictionary words: amity, camaraderie, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, fellowship, fellow feeling, closeness, affinity, rapport, understanding, harmony, unity, intimacy etc...) then this wouldn't have happened. What you may have had was an acquaintance, or an arrangement, with some reciprocal kindnesses. A connection with mutual benefits. A pleasant association that was dependent upon certain conditions. What you may be able to reestablish is a working relationship again, for the benefit of the boys. Special needs and insensitivity or sensitivity has nothing to do with it - it's just that you two mommies didn't really click. Perhaps the nannies really click, and that's why the standing playdate exists - it's a benefit to her employment? Which might not last if the perceived problem of speech imitation continues?
And maybe you can't have the prior arrangments - you might need to let the boys' friendship seek its own level. I think, sure, the boys can have a friendship. My experience tells me that kids' standards for friendship is based on proximity and whim, with very little quality control (I have an almost five year old). So what has to happen is not anything more than a renewed agreement with conditions set between you and the other mommy.
We have maintained playdates this with a child from a daycare our daughter no longer attends. We parents don't get along at all, and there are certain games that this child plays that ours isn't allowed (technically, paths of play ours isn't allowed to travel down). I wait until Little Pea indicates the desire to spend time with Friendy (or vice versa) and what happens is an email (or phone) conversation like this: "Little Pea is missing Friendy. If you'll be at the nearby park any day this week, we'd like to drop by so they can have some time together." The setting is neutral, the games I dislike can't happen easily there, and we each can mingle with other moms we like more (or sit on benches and be very interested in our coffees) and keep an eye on them. It's not so intense. It works well enough. It maintains as much of the connection between Little Pea and Friendy that they want - and I think it's an important part of maturing (for both of us). I respect that as a growing person, she needs to explore friendship. It doesn't always have to be perfect. It's a relief to realize that I don't have to be friends with the parents of my daughter's friends - and that I can use the things I don't personally care much for about Friendy as learning lessons on the way home. Such as, "Do friends call each other names like that?" and "Do you think it's nice that Friendy only wants to play with the blonde girls and tells Frienderella, whom you like too, that she can't play too?" and "Mommy and Friendy's mom disagree about the use of this public space". (But I digress...)
"Talk normally!" stood out to me as perhaps something mis-spoken. With kids, I speak more simply, and I'm led to think that it's more meant as "Speak as you normally do" , or it may have been said in frustration. After all, I'm so incredibly sick of the seemingly endless proclamations that "Your name is fill-in-the-blanky head" that are in imitation of Friendy, and I can't believe I have to remind Little Pea EVERY TIME that we never want to hear that chez Good. If Mom #1 doesn't spend much time around kids (don't jump on me - but I'm reading that from the nanny, job and other descriptions) she may not know that stuff like this happens, and it all resolves itself, so she's hyper-managing what she can and forgetting that a lot of things can be dealt with at home, and in private. Because she's really busy, just as you are, and it's just not fun not to be able to relax around someone, and then to have to deal with lingering behaviour that you don't like in your kid in your "free" time. Genuine friends ought to be more forgiving of each other, but we're all sensitive about our kids and get tunnel vision in the tough spots.
I ask these questions when I think of what you wrote: Are you sure you want to encourage this - or is minimizing it really best for everyone? Do you need this in your life? Does your son want this as much as you do? I don't have every friend I've ever made since I was four or even twenty or thirty-four - do you? Forgetting about influences and arrangements and philosophies and reciprocation - does anyone here just plain like each other and want to spend time together? It seems like the boys do, once in a while - can it be kept as simple as that? And what would her answers to these questions be? It seems like she's made her decision.
Good luck, and I hope you find what you're seeking. Thank you, for giving me food for thought today. And I probably could have just posted that last paragraph, but I feel for you. I do. So much that should be simple is so hard.
posted by peagood at 2:28 PM on January 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
I agree that Mommy #1 sounds like kind of a pain and you should just find someone else to be mommy-friends with, but this struck me: You're sending your son to speech therapy, right? Because you want him to learn how to speak more clearly and correctly than he is currently able, right? So, you don't want your son to speak the way he's speaking, and Mommy #1 doesn't want her son to speak the way your son is speaking--how is your desire legit and hers bad? I'm not saying her behavior wasn't rude, but between this and the fact that you were too busy avoiding her to realize she was avoiding you... the friendship seems more complicated than just meriting "write her off as insensitive" as if it's entirely her fault.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:35 PM on January 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:35 PM on January 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Friendship requires the investment of two people. If she's not interested in being a friend, then no, you and M1 can't be friends right now. Your son's developmental issues may be part of, but not the whole reason. She will have noticed your several-month absence. Maybe she decided to let things fade away for the better. If you avoided her for several months, she has little reason to think you actually want to continue a friendship. I'm not blaming you, just saying that there's another way to look at it.
At your son's age, children can really only be friends if their parents allow them to hang out together. You should assume that for now, your son will not be spending much one-on-one time with M1's son. Remember that this will (does) bother you more than it bothers him. Your response to M1's son's question about playtime was friendly, which is good.
From now on, when you run into them and if M1's son asks to play, you should have a canned response like "We're always happy to spend time with you, sweetie, but remember it's your mommy's job to decide if you have time to play with us today." In other words, leave the decision to M1, but do it a way that both M1 and M1's son perceive as friendly and neutral. She might eventually change her mind. The two of you don't need to be friends in order for your sons to be friends, as difficult as this sometimes is.
She is insensitive, yes, to openly say that she doesn't like to have her son play with developmentally delayed kids because she's afraid he might "catch" their autism. But in most ways, it's better that she was honest about it, assuming she wasn't saying so in order to hurt you. It tells you that she's not really malicious or manipulative. She's just overprotective and very, very misguided about the causes of speech and behavioral issues. She's clueless and a bit of a jerk, but not evil.
If you run into her again and you're feeling magnanimous, you can say "I've been thinking about our conversation the other day, and I just want to reassure you that you have a great kid and that he can't 'catch' a neurological condition like autism even if at this age he's imitating kids who have it. I know that the mimicking is a concern to you, but you've got a really nice boy, he plays well with others, and I've never seen any reason for you to worry."
If you're really in a tip-top mood, you can follow that with "I've always thought our sons have a lot to offer each other and they seem to get along great, so I wanted to let you know that we'd be happy to have [her son] Ben over for playtime if he's ever interested."
Resist the urge to add "And of course, you're welcome to stay too for a cup of coffee" until you know whether you actually mean it.
ikkyu2 got it exactly right. M1 might be insensitive, but she's mostly afraid. You might want to write her off for now, but that doesn't mean you have to write her off forever.
posted by jeeves at 2:47 PM on January 11, 2009
At your son's age, children can really only be friends if their parents allow them to hang out together. You should assume that for now, your son will not be spending much one-on-one time with M1's son. Remember that this will (does) bother you more than it bothers him. Your response to M1's son's question about playtime was friendly, which is good.
From now on, when you run into them and if M1's son asks to play, you should have a canned response like "We're always happy to spend time with you, sweetie, but remember it's your mommy's job to decide if you have time to play with us today." In other words, leave the decision to M1, but do it a way that both M1 and M1's son perceive as friendly and neutral. She might eventually change her mind. The two of you don't need to be friends in order for your sons to be friends, as difficult as this sometimes is.
She is insensitive, yes, to openly say that she doesn't like to have her son play with developmentally delayed kids because she's afraid he might "catch" their autism. But in most ways, it's better that she was honest about it, assuming she wasn't saying so in order to hurt you. It tells you that she's not really malicious or manipulative. She's just overprotective and very, very misguided about the causes of speech and behavioral issues. She's clueless and a bit of a jerk, but not evil.
If you run into her again and you're feeling magnanimous, you can say "I've been thinking about our conversation the other day, and I just want to reassure you that you have a great kid and that he can't 'catch' a neurological condition like autism even if at this age he's imitating kids who have it. I know that the mimicking is a concern to you, but you've got a really nice boy, he plays well with others, and I've never seen any reason for you to worry."
If you're really in a tip-top mood, you can follow that with "I've always thought our sons have a lot to offer each other and they seem to get along great, so I wanted to let you know that we'd be happy to have [her son] Ben over for playtime if he's ever interested."
Resist the urge to add "And of course, you're welcome to stay too for a cup of coffee" until you know whether you actually mean it.
ikkyu2 got it exactly right. M1 might be insensitive, but she's mostly afraid. You might want to write her off for now, but that doesn't mean you have to write her off forever.
posted by jeeves at 2:47 PM on January 11, 2009
I am probably jumping to conclusions here, so please ignore this if it doesn't ring true in some way. But there's a subtext running through your question about work, "the Mommy Wars," status, money, and class. You frequently mentioned who was busy working and in what sort of employment. You related to her as another Wall Street woman, and I wondered if you wanted her recognition that you were still a business woman despite having left Wall Street. Then, she was off being too busy while you were hanging out with her employee and acting as the chauffeur. They invited you to expensive, high-status things, you couldn't reciprocate, and then you began to worry that she saw you as a Taker. I'm not saying "this is why things aren't working" -- I'm saying that there are many of these details, and the question could have been phrased in a very different way. Since you felt money-related details were important to mention, I'm wondering if you intuit that those are the real reason this friendship isn't working out, or if you fear that those are the real reason but want to be reassured that it's just bias against your son's speech, or if you really fear it's bias against him and are hoping it's just snobbery against you, or if her Wall Street status and money is a big part of why you want to keep the friendship despite the extreme difficulties. I don't know what it all means, but I'm curious why you told us all those details related to money and work.
posted by salvia at 3:33 PM on January 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by salvia at 3:33 PM on January 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
I agree that it's an acquaintance-ship. Maybe you're too needy, maybe your kid is too different, maybe there's some other reason you don't know. How about not judging her? She might be a bitch, she might be having trouble trying not to know the dad is screwing Mommy #4, her kid might have juvenile diabetes, and she has her hands full. Friendship with her is not in the cards at this time.
Some people are simply awful; some people are incredibly wonderful; many people are just barely coping with difficulties that no one outside their family can see. Spend your energy on your sweet kiddo, and befriend people who are kind. on a practical level, maintaining even simple relationships makes life work better.
posted by theora55 at 3:39 PM on January 11, 2009
Some people are simply awful; some people are incredibly wonderful; many people are just barely coping with difficulties that no one outside their family can see. Spend your energy on your sweet kiddo, and befriend people who are kind. on a practical level, maintaining even simple relationships makes life work better.
posted by theora55 at 3:39 PM on January 11, 2009
The son of family friends spent his early years in Asia (the parents are North American) and only spoke Pidgin (which he had picked up from his nanny) when he first learned to talk. He is now a Shakespearean actor.
My cousin's oldest daughter spoke English with a Caribbean accent (also nanny-influenced) for a while, but has since acquired a Mid-Atlantic one as she spends more time at school and other group activities.
I think Mommy 1 needs to lighten up.
posted by brujita at 4:31 PM on January 11, 2009
My cousin's oldest daughter spoke English with a Caribbean accent (also nanny-influenced) for a while, but has since acquired a Mid-Atlantic one as she spends more time at school and other group activities.
I think Mommy 1 needs to lighten up.
posted by brujita at 4:31 PM on January 11, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you all for your responses so far. I always appreciate how AskMeFi helps me realize how much stuff I may be overlooking in the mysteries of human relationships.
One thing that I had assumed interpreted differently from what I'm hearing from some of you is that I have always thought the vocal imitation that this other boy does is just a temporary thing that he's only doing while he's around my son. Like I said, I hadn't noticed it, although that might be because I'm just so used to my son's speech patterns. I don't believe that he's ever doing it at other times; if he did, then yes, I do think that would be much more troubling (if I were Mommy #1). I have never heard this boy imitate his (strongly accented) nanny, or the son of Mommy #3, at all, either. So I don't know what the real answer is.
To availablelight and uxo re comparing the kids: I'm reporting this through my special-needs mom glasses. I do often feel like I always am on the lookout for when my son does something well, especially compared to his typically developing peers. It does provide some comfort. I do want my son to spend time with typically developing kids; at the same time, it's not a one-way relationship, and I do feel there's so much he does so well (he's polite to adults, shares everything with kids, waits his turn, asks other kids questions) that he does have a lot to offer this other boy in return.
To Meg_Murry: One difference is I would never tell my son that anything about the way he speaks is not "normal". And he doesn't realize that his speech therapist, or any of this therapists, are doing anything other than just playing with him.
To salvia and others: I have been trying to ask myself if I am being influenced by how well-off this family is in my desire to be friends with them. Maybe that's true... which doesn't reflect well on me. Or maybe it also addresses a disdain I may have on some level for some of my other mommy friends w/r/t class? An example I'm thinking of is that I took my music-loving son to a Very Young People's concert at the New York Philharmonic; when I told other local mommy friends I got reactions like "I would be scared to take the subway!" or "That's so like you, I never go into Manhattan with [child's name]" but Mommy #1 compared notes with me on the performance compared to the one she went to with her son.
Thank you all again for your input...
posted by lgandme0717 at 6:29 PM on January 11, 2009
One thing that I had assumed interpreted differently from what I'm hearing from some of you is that I have always thought the vocal imitation that this other boy does is just a temporary thing that he's only doing while he's around my son. Like I said, I hadn't noticed it, although that might be because I'm just so used to my son's speech patterns. I don't believe that he's ever doing it at other times; if he did, then yes, I do think that would be much more troubling (if I were Mommy #1). I have never heard this boy imitate his (strongly accented) nanny, or the son of Mommy #3, at all, either. So I don't know what the real answer is.
To availablelight and uxo re comparing the kids: I'm reporting this through my special-needs mom glasses. I do often feel like I always am on the lookout for when my son does something well, especially compared to his typically developing peers. It does provide some comfort. I do want my son to spend time with typically developing kids; at the same time, it's not a one-way relationship, and I do feel there's so much he does so well (he's polite to adults, shares everything with kids, waits his turn, asks other kids questions) that he does have a lot to offer this other boy in return.
To Meg_Murry: One difference is I would never tell my son that anything about the way he speaks is not "normal". And he doesn't realize that his speech therapist, or any of this therapists, are doing anything other than just playing with him.
To salvia and others: I have been trying to ask myself if I am being influenced by how well-off this family is in my desire to be friends with them. Maybe that's true... which doesn't reflect well on me. Or maybe it also addresses a disdain I may have on some level for some of my other mommy friends w/r/t class? An example I'm thinking of is that I took my music-loving son to a Very Young People's concert at the New York Philharmonic; when I told other local mommy friends I got reactions like "I would be scared to take the subway!" or "That's so like you, I never go into Manhattan with [child's name]" but Mommy #1 compared notes with me on the performance compared to the one she went to with her son.
Thank you all again for your input...
posted by lgandme0717 at 6:29 PM on January 11, 2009
I do want my son to spend time with typically developing kids; at the same time, it's not a one-way relationship, and I do feel there's so much he does so well (he's polite to adults, shares everything with kids, waits his turn, asks other kids questions) that he does have a lot to offer this other boy in return.
While I can understand the former, and he sounds like a good kid, I am struck by how, um, exchange-oriented you sound in terms of your son's playmates, i.e., they give him X, but he gives them Y.
Wow, if I had a young child, I think I'd want him just to hang out with your son just for the value of, well, hanging out and, uh, having fun.
I guess I'm just an old crank, but didn't little kids used to play once upon a time, without all these exchange values in the back of a parent's head? And you know, occasional fights and misunderstandings were all opportunities to teach the kid something?
You sound like you have a lot of anxiety about raising your son, which I am sure is made more challenging because of his special needs. Do you have a support group or know other parents in your situation? Have you spoken to them about your situation, maybe see what they have to say?
posted by uxo at 11:23 PM on January 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
While I can understand the former, and he sounds like a good kid, I am struck by how, um, exchange-oriented you sound in terms of your son's playmates, i.e., they give him X, but he gives them Y.
Wow, if I had a young child, I think I'd want him just to hang out with your son just for the value of, well, hanging out and, uh, having fun.
I guess I'm just an old crank, but didn't little kids used to play once upon a time, without all these exchange values in the back of a parent's head? And you know, occasional fights and misunderstandings were all opportunities to teach the kid something?
You sound like you have a lot of anxiety about raising your son, which I am sure is made more challenging because of his special needs. Do you have a support group or know other parents in your situation? Have you spoken to them about your situation, maybe see what they have to say?
posted by uxo at 11:23 PM on January 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I/we have shied away from these competitive kid-friendships. It is dumb: I realize it is also not always possible - we lived in NYC, it's a certain kind of way of being, anxiously tracking every metric of your child's development. I think this is a product of being a little too 'smart' - and applying smarts from one field (adult work life) to an entirely different and unrelated field (raising children life). Not that there are no overlaps, in the area of logistics certainly.
Our greatest examples were the Tibetan nannies who looked after our children (and the children of a small group of friends). We had no family around us and only our own ways of living to guide us. The nannies had the experiences garnered from bringing up scores of children - they had seen it all. They were not impressed by child X's development versus child Y's. I took it that they understood they were children and they grow and develop at different rates. I decided to adopt it as my own attitude - the attitude I brought to work life was ridiculous when applied to a child.
We had some friendships blossom others wither over the child thing. Don't rate your child, and never against other children - I know this is not an entirely reasonable suggestion, and I'm certainly guilty of this myself, so really I'm saying as a lode star think of not rating your child. Being the offspring of a (clearly) very articulate and sensitive mom, the odds are likely vastly in its favor that any developmental issues it has now will ease or disappear as he/she gets older. It's a hell of a long race. Conserve your energy, hang out with people who give you strength, not ones who help you indulge your worst self. There will be problems but don't be a rush to get to them.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:25 AM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Our greatest examples were the Tibetan nannies who looked after our children (and the children of a small group of friends). We had no family around us and only our own ways of living to guide us. The nannies had the experiences garnered from bringing up scores of children - they had seen it all. They were not impressed by child X's development versus child Y's. I took it that they understood they were children and they grow and develop at different rates. I decided to adopt it as my own attitude - the attitude I brought to work life was ridiculous when applied to a child.
We had some friendships blossom others wither over the child thing. Don't rate your child, and never against other children - I know this is not an entirely reasonable suggestion, and I'm certainly guilty of this myself, so really I'm saying as a lode star think of not rating your child. Being the offspring of a (clearly) very articulate and sensitive mom, the odds are likely vastly in its favor that any developmental issues it has now will ease or disappear as he/she gets older. It's a hell of a long race. Conserve your energy, hang out with people who give you strength, not ones who help you indulge your worst self. There will be problems but don't be a rush to get to them.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:25 AM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Either the kids are friends, the moms are friends, the dads are friends...but almost never....seriously, never is it more than one of those. At best it's a cordial (or even friendly) acquaintanceship, which is what you describe having with mommy #1. It's gone, so mourn it and let it go.
posted by agentwills at 11:12 AM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by agentwills at 11:12 AM on January 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lgandme0717 at 11:49 AM on January 11, 2009