Recovering from abuse, way past the due date

December 11, 2008 2:05 PM

It's taking me a really really long time to get over an abusive relationship. I keep thinking I've made huges strides and then I realize how far from normal my feelings and behaviour are. I know it's a matter of healing but I could do with advice on helping it along.

Over a year ago, I left my abusive boyfriend. We were living together for years and it was emotionally abusive for a long time but it took an incident of physical abuse to get me to leave.

He told me even early in our relationship that he had anger problems and had been told to seek help by previous girlfriends, but he said it like a bitter joke and so I missed the warning signs. He was also in the habit of blaming someone else for everything that went wrong in his life, and eventually this became me, for everything we did together, even saying that the only reason we got together was because I made it happen and the only reason he hadn't left was because he was lazy. I could go on and give a lot of examples but it's not really the point. One night, he hit and kicked me without any provocation (I know that's not an excuse) and the next day I left. I was still totally in love with him and replied to his messages, told him my account of the specific physical event without mentionign anything else, and he responded by accusing me of abuse and of betrayal, denying the event and throwing every accusation he could find at me.

I was (and still am) terrified of him, compounded by him turning up at an event I was involved in organizing 8 months later after the other organizers had asked him not to show. He was belligerent and I walk out on my own event after having a panic attack and puking. I didn't make a scene because I had friends and family friends there, and the positive theme of the event would have been compromised by having to eject someone.

I left the community we had both been involved with (previous to the relationship, I had been part of it and he had not), and have had a big void in my life since doing this. I also got sick of mutual (male, known to me first) friends being apologists for his behavior and still remaining friends with him, and I backed away from them too. I was so afraid of his animosity towards me that I stopped going to events he was likely to be at and stopped participating online in a forum we were both involved with (in that case, he was there before we met).

I've since moved away from my hometown largely so I could live and socialize without seeing him, and things have been going good. Recently I went home for a work event and during the few hours I was in the city, I walked into him with a girl (who could have been a friend) and we locked eyes, I saw pure hate, and I walked quickly on and fought back the urge to puke over several hours of gagging and burping and shaking violently.

I still dream about him and sometimes it's sexual or at least loving, which makes me sick when I wake up. I think about him every time I do something wrong or embarrassing. I imagine the things he said being what other people think of me even when it seems by all reckoning that they really like me. My self-esteem was never great but now it's shot to shit, better than post-breakup but based on assuming that I'm next to worthless and have to take everyone's crap. I also can't bear to hear men shout. I am afraid to do anything in public in case he sees it, which is an issue for my art practice, and I am afraid he'll even see this. It's embarrassing to admit to friends how not-over this I am.

Also, there are things I feel guilty about. We had a very physical relationship involving a lot of play-fighting and I worry that this makes me an abuser, because I grew up with brothers and could be quite roughly playful. I was seriously depressed on terrible birth control for a few months early on and was too clingy and restrictive then, which wasn't right and I appreciate having been forgiven for it. I was also submissive sexually and accepted a lot of non-vanilla pain from him in that context, but that was on the basis that it was not a whole-relationship dynamic.

I have been single since the breakup, messed around with a few people and pursued another but I was more focused on getting my shit together before inflicting the whole mess on someone new. Now I miss the community I'd spent years getting to be part of, and I would like to be able to love and give fully (or for some value of normal) again. I will also have to move home in the next year and I can't go back to living in fear of every knock at the door being him. I am female and a couple of years +/- 30.

I know everyone's going to suggest therapy and I agree. However - I did go to a therapist a few times but it was a really poor fit (she flipped out at the mention of non-vanilla sex and was really judgmental), and at that time I had no days off so I didn't pursue finding another. I am now located in a place where therapy would be extremely difficult to arrange but I am trying to pursue it. I am not in the USA.

Sorry this is so long but since it's hard to follow up, I wanted to try being comprehensive. I will add anything needed if the mods will be kind enough to post for me. If you want to contact me privately and could mention so in the thread I will respond directly to you.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

First, CONGRATULATIONS on getting out (and staying out, which is just as hard--I've heard the stat that in abusive situations, the brealkup/get back together average is seven times).

I could have written most sentences in this post (leaving him in MY community and apartment, the guilt, etc--btw, much of the guilt could be from his gaslighting).

I don't have much time to respond now, but one thing I will say is that the recovery from an abusive relationship, for me, has 1) not been a steady improvement but peaks and valleys of emotional and mental well-being and 2) took/has taken much much longer that I expected (much like getting out to begin with). I didn't leave my emotional cocoon for a SOILD six months, and after that it was EXTREMELY up and down for another long while.

At two years, I'm feeling like myself usually. Now, when he contacts me, the recovery time from even the thought speaking to him is a pretty quick turnaround.

It's the hardest experience I've ever been through. Much more difficult than one would imagine. People who say "I would never put up with that" or DTMFA-type admonishments don't understand.

Memail me if you want.
posted by Pax at 2:23 PM on December 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

I just knew this was a BDSM relationship before you got to the sexually submissive part (I am involved in the BDSM community myself). There are organizations that are specific to this kind of abuse, unfortunately I can't google them for you at work. You absolutely need someone that can separate the SM from the abuse and won't freak out if you say you like being tied up and flogged (or whatever).

I'm in the USA, so I probably won't be able to give you specifics to your location, but please feel free to email me either on mefi or at my gmail (in my profile).
posted by desjardins at 2:38 PM on December 11, 2008

Let me echo the congratulations on getting out. That was a big move, and you should be very proud of yourself for it.

I've heard the general rule of thumb is that it takes one year after the relationship for every year you were in it. By those lights, one year is not nearly enough time to start berating yourself for not being over the situation.

As far as physicality is concerned, being an abuser is a state of mind. Play fighting can be both fun and sexy and not abusive in the least. On some occasions it's revealing of something darker underneath, but sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar.

Hang in there, and continue to cut yourself some slack. I hope you're able to sort the therapist situation out.
posted by tkolar at 2:42 PM on December 11, 2008

(I didn't notice the BDSM part, but I don't think it would change any of my answer, except that I don't know anything about that world).
posted by Pax at 2:54 PM on December 11, 2008

There is mind-control in an abusive relationship like yours, and mind-control means mind-altering, manipulative stuff that has a long-term effect on you. What it did to you isn't your fault. Why you got in and stayed in, is the issue now.

I think great therapy is good, lousy therapy like you experienced could be had from any overly-emotional person you meet in line at the grocery store, and I, like you, certainly wouldn't have stayed in that therapeutic situation. You may be able to discuss the relationship and why you got in and stayed in it with a good friend, sibling or??.... Mainly you need someone to listen to you. You probably will be able to get at the truth of what and why over time, by talking it out with a kind and sympathetic person and beginning to rebuild your ego and sense of who you really are.

You are so brave, and show more self-love than perhaps you recognize, by having gotten out of and away from this hateful person---and as was mentioned above, stayed away. That really is the hardest part, and probably the source of much of the pain you've been feeling since you left that relationship. When you stayed in and took the abuse, you lost who you were, you became a virtual part of him. Now you have a huge raw place where you separated from him by leaving. That place is healing. You're healing. You'll be stronger and the pain will lessen.

Give yourself time to experience exactly what you must experience to make this huge step you've taken not only permanent, but something which can serve to immunize you from ever losing yourself again. You are so wise to take this time away from relationships until you have clarity and rebuild the whole person you want to be before being in a relationship once again.

Again, kudos to you...and be kind to yourself; appreciate the courage and clarity you've shown in seeing the light and moving into it. Blessings.
posted by mumstheword at 3:56 PM on December 11, 2008

I also got sick of mutual (male, known to me first) friends being apologists for his behavior and still remaining friends with him, and I backed away from them too.

I want to point out this line to everyone who's reading.

if you defend or make excuses for a dickhead who repeatedly hurts a partner, physically, emotionally, or sexually, you are accomplices to that abuse.

Whether you personally know an abuser or not, it is your job to make it clear to your friends that you will never excuse a habit of deliberately hurting a significant other, ever; and that if you notice that something bad is happening, you will step in to help the abused partner or find someone else who can.

You have the opportunity and the obligation to let other people know how you feel about douchebags who hurt their partners. Be loud about it. Allow everyone to admire how principled you are. If you've ever known someone in trouble, make sure you get a chance to let people hear about what you've done to help. Be clear that society expects people to help victims, not simper around excusing abusers. Speak up when your friends joke about how someone's annoying girlfriend with bruises on her arms probably deserved whatever she got. Anyone who calls this a women's issue or thinks men can't be abused is full of shit. As much as I hate this, more than half the social pressure against domestic violence has to come from men. Guys who are reading this, you have a job to do.

I have cut off long-time acquaintances who knew that someone was being smacked around or being called shit names, and joked about it or insisted that it didn't mean anything. If I know you and I hear you laugh about that black eye someone's spouse has, or even say so much as "yeah, shouldna done that, but s/he was being pretty annoying," I will call you on it and embarrass you in front of everyone nearby. If I hear it again, I will make sure that everyone we know hears precisely how far your head is up your ass.
posted by jeeves at 4:26 PM on December 11, 2008 [13 favorites]

You want to be very clear to yourself that in play-fighting and rough sexual play both people are not only consenting but getting pleasure out of the experience. Being sexually submissive can be perfectly consistent with expecting your partner to treat you respectfully and nonviolently outside of the bedroom and a good partner will do that. It is wrong when someone takes sexual submissiveness as permission to abuse and you should not think that you somehow created or permitted the abuse by enjoying rough play.

Since you can't do therapy right now, try journalling. There is research showing that writing about traumatic events (including both facts and feelings) can help you feel better. You won't feel better right away but in general after two weeks the depression gets better (not gone but better) and after a month people actually report feeling happier.

A good exercise for self-esteem is make a list of all of the self-critical thoughts that you have. Next to each thought, write out a positive, realistic response(s). Do this in writing until you reach the point that you can catch yourself in the middle of the negative thought, replace it with the positive thought. With practice, you will be able to shut down the negative thoughts fast enough that they won't prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Final thought - even though the guy was an abusive jerk, he wasn't 100% evil. There are things about him that attracted you, you might have had some good times together and so on. So if your dreams want to go back to the good moments, don't let it freak you out - it doesn't mean that you really want to back to him - it is just a dream memory.

One more thought - when you go back home, if he touches you, you call the cops. Knowing that trained officers with guns will back you up might give you more confidence. (At least where I live, cops take physical domestic violence seriously.)
posted by metahawk at 6:42 PM on December 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

As time goes by, this will become easier. If you haven't already, rid yourself of everything that reminds you of your ex. Delete every email he ever sent you. Burn photos and letters. ALL of them. Work really hard at taking care of yourself physically and emotionally.

As cliche as it sounds, the best revenge is living well.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:43 PM on December 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

You mentioned that you plan to move back to your hometown where he lives at some point - perhaps you could look into getting a restraining order against him (if that is available in your area).
posted by betterton at 7:24 PM on December 11, 2008

It's taking me a really really long time to get over an abusive relationship.

The relationship you describe isn't the one that it is taking you a long time to get over.

Its the relationship that made you think that the last relationship was normal that you aren't over yet.

It isn't the things that hurt us that hold us back, its the coping mechanisms that we create to deal with the things that hurt us. When I hear of coping mechanisms based on thinking ill of one's self rather than one's abuser, I think of one thing only--a person coping with trauma coming from a person who they are programmed to respect. Usually children are the ones programmed to think this way.

As adults we get caught repeating patterns from a traumatic past because we know how to cope with that situation well.

So, find that pattern. It will take time, but you'll find where it comes from is the part that needs to be addressed. Usually it takes some time in therapy. Lucky for you, the human mind is expressly designed to recover from trauma. Trust that recovery will come with time.

Best wishes
posted by Ironmouth at 9:52 PM on December 11, 2008

Hmm. I'm four years out of a bad relationship, and I feel like I finally recovered. Maybe not all that long ago, however. You're already very articulate about some of the barriers that it took me a long time to consciously notice and begin to address. One thing that helped me a lot has been having a loving partner -- it helped create a new normal, I finally stopped expecting him to get mad at this or that -- though your desire to be single and get your stuff all figured out seems admirable. I don't know what advice might help, since you sound really clear-eyed and insightful, but one thing that does jump out is your fear of seeing him again. That is completely justified and rational. It wouldn't make sense for you to be near him and not be afraid, or if there's a way to do it, I don't know it. It sounds like you're thinking all this through in an interesting way. If you want to email, I'd be up for it.
posted by salvia at 10:36 PM on December 11, 2008

You say you're moving back to the same town next year, so it sounds like one of the things that could be holding back some progress is the apparent deadline for getting over him and being able to see him without fear. It's hard to focus on one thing (getting past the self-hate and the other baggage of being abused) when you're worried about something else (finding the internal strength to live in a place where he could appear and be abusive again, and you feel unprotected). This is, of course, compounded by so many other things -- the male friends who defend him (and by extension don't protect you), the loss of your community, the forced exile from your own town. This is a tremendously heavy load for you to carry.

I would therefore strongly suggest that you find a way -- any way -- to avoid (or at least delay indefinitely) moving back, so that you don't have to bear that burden at the same time. Having no firm deadline by which to "get over" him will give you so much more freedom, so that the days when you're not feeling strong won't scare you so much. They'll just be less-successful days in a string of days of varying levels of success, not signs that you won't be able to handle going back.

An online community of people with stories like yours could be tremendously helpful.

And congratulations for finding the strength to do all that you have done: for leaving him, for breaking off painful ties, for moving out and moving on, and for reaching out for help. I am so proud of you. Really, I am.
posted by Capri at 11:29 PM on December 11, 2008

It's taking me a really really long time to get over an abusive relationship.

No, it isn't. I know you don't have great guidelines for normal, but a year out from the demise of a significant relationship is nothing. It doesn't make any difference how the relationship was significant - good or bad. If someone had a partner who had died, would you expect them to "get over it" within a year? If someone had been beaten for five years, would you expect them to be all better 365 days later?

No, you wouldn't - and holding yourself to that standard is not a reasonable expectation. It takes as long as it takes, and you may find you are still working through issues from your last relationship in your next one. You're not going to ever have a clean slate - it's called "baggage" and virtually every adult has some.

Having said that, I think you're also not doing yourself any favours by not finding yourself some support and a forum for processing your experiences and recovery. A therapist, a support group, an online forum - I strongly suspect that with a place to share, you'll make strides much more quickly.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:54 AM on December 12, 2008

I was married for 1.5 years and have a very similar experience -- marriage with a lot of emotional and psychological abuse and physical abuse that caused me to get out that very day. There is a lot of good advice above and thought I would add what helped me once I got out. I realized that after being blamed for everything, anything or nothing in particular by my ex, I got accustomed to taking responsibility for everything, anything and nothing in particular. I continued to internally beat myself up after the marriage ended for having been "so stupid" for not leaving earlier or for "being a failure" for leaving my marriage after only a year and a half, etc. See the no-win proposition of my internal flogging?

In essence, I was blaming myself for HIS bad behavior! I learned (through a great therapist--I truly hope this becomes an option for you) to give myself the benefit of the doubt and to stop brutalizing myself for basically having done the best that I could do with the information and resources I had available to me at that time.

It took me a year and a half after the marriage ended to start feeling like my (new and improved) self again. Be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself. This was not your fault. I can't speak to the BDSM part, but the posters' advice above seems correct.

My healing was greatly furthered by volunteering at a center for domestic violence. It had an intensive training and I learned so much more about the nature of domestic violence. And for the first time since my marriage (since the primary nature of the abuse I suffered was verbal/emotional/psychological), I felt like people really understood (and believed) me that I was abused since most of the injuries and scars are internal. A lot of people simply can't understand the devastating effects of verbal and emotional abuse. That is not to fault most people since even I have a difficult time explaining it sometimes since it can be so covert.

Also, the great DV center where I volunteer has free counseling services for survivors, which is great since they truly understand the nature of domestic violence. I did not take them up on it for the sole reason that I had the financial means to get private counseling and did not feel right under those circumstances depleting their very precious resources that could be used by someone less fortunate.

Hang in there --it gets MUCH better. And try as hard as you can to love your strong, courageous, beautiful, yet perfectly imperfect human self!
posted by murrey at 6:13 AM on December 12, 2008

It took me about a year and a half(and a better relationship after a period of being alone) to stop being afraid of certain things(still working on it), and I still can't go to certain areas(which I previously enjoyed), due to becoming panicky and sick to my stomach.

Others above have said it so well...treat yourself well, talk to people who understand, and forgive yourself, let yourself off the hook.

Society blames the person for staying, and that is just so Fucked. It does nothing but trap you in to a place of shame and defense, where everyone piles on the shame by saying they'd do this, and they'd do that, they'd NEVER put up with that, making you out to be a fool, instead of someone who is so hurt on so many levels. You simply don't know which end is up, and even people who are supposed to be rooting for you shake their heads in disgust.

I had someone once tell me that they would have taken a knife and killed a person if they would have hurt them. I told her that I was 100% positive that had I done that, he would have taken the knife out of himself, stabbed me to death with it, then would go back to being dead. I didn't want to be killed, I just wanted a peaceful existance. An abuser warps your thought processes so bad.

This fear is part of that warping. Some day, you will take back all the things that were stolen from you(peace, security, trust in other people, living without fear) and you'll be able to see how strong you really are, for being able to deal with that shit and for getting away.

PM me any time...I also have some good web forums full of good people who know what you've been through.

Hugs and support to you.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 11:54 AM on December 12, 2008

I forgot to add that I really feel ya about not being able to find a good therapist, I haven't been able to at this time either, and it's hard to find someone to really understands without being judgmental, or someone who hasn't experienced it. Also, with the BDSM thing, that is fairly common in many healthy realtionships, but in this context is too easy to add this onto the blame you may feel. THIS IS BULLSHIT, okay? Playing around in bed and getting abused are seperate, no matter what anyone says. Especially if it is used to justify someone's actions or to blame you in any way.

It's hard, hon, but it gets easier. You got away. I am *so* proud of you. Stay strong.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 12:03 PM on December 12, 2008