If we go out on a date, I won't drug you and take your money, I promise!
November 17, 2008 9:03 PM Subscribe
How to not scare away "normal" potential dating partners with my VERY strong rebellious and thrill-seeking streak?
No emo sixcolors' post...Just kind of curious.
I think I've come to a realization lately that I underestimate how threatened some people are by me. Due to early life experiences and inherent personality traits, I am very skeptical of authrority. I am also the type of person who would do almost anything for a thrill, the word "no" is seldomly in my vocabulary.
These two attitudes are often expressed in the stories I tell about myself or my friends, and the things I joke about.
Normally, I wouldn't care what people think about me, regarding this matter. Both of these traits are fundamental to my personality, and I have no desire to change, in fact I would be quite scared to so. I fear if I stop questioning authority, I will be taken advantage of, and it has happened earlier in my life many times. And if I give up the thrill-seeking, I will miss out on life.
But, I do care if I am interested in dating someone who may turn me down, because they are scared that I might harm them or put them in danger somehow. I get that response on occasion.
I want to communicate that while I might have some rebellious views, and joke about outlandish things, I would never act out on most things I talk about. I actually have a clean record, not even a speeding ticket (though some might not believe it). As for the thrill-seeking, when I said I say "no" is seldomly in my vocab...the keword is "seldomly". I refuse to do things that are highly illegal or unethical. And just because I try not to judge some of my friends for the fucked up things things that they do, doesn't mean I condone it or I would do those things myself.
No emo sixcolors' post...Just kind of curious.
I think I've come to a realization lately that I underestimate how threatened some people are by me. Due to early life experiences and inherent personality traits, I am very skeptical of authrority. I am also the type of person who would do almost anything for a thrill, the word "no" is seldomly in my vocabulary.
These two attitudes are often expressed in the stories I tell about myself or my friends, and the things I joke about.
Normally, I wouldn't care what people think about me, regarding this matter. Both of these traits are fundamental to my personality, and I have no desire to change, in fact I would be quite scared to so. I fear if I stop questioning authority, I will be taken advantage of, and it has happened earlier in my life many times. And if I give up the thrill-seeking, I will miss out on life.
But, I do care if I am interested in dating someone who may turn me down, because they are scared that I might harm them or put them in danger somehow. I get that response on occasion.
I want to communicate that while I might have some rebellious views, and joke about outlandish things, I would never act out on most things I talk about. I actually have a clean record, not even a speeding ticket (though some might not believe it). As for the thrill-seeking, when I said I say "no" is seldomly in my vocab...the keword is "seldomly". I refuse to do things that are highly illegal or unethical. And just because I try not to judge some of my friends for the fucked up things things that they do, doesn't mean I condone it or I would do those things myself.
I want to communicate that while I might have some rebellious views, and joke about outlandish things, I would never act out on most things I talk about.
This may have more to do with why you're scaring people away. It sounds like you say a lot of things for effect, with absolutely no intention of backing it up with action. This is annoying and fake. If you really get to know someone, and let them get to know you, you won't need this sort of grandstanding behavior.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:25 PM on November 17, 2008 [20 favorites]
This may have more to do with why you're scaring people away. It sounds like you say a lot of things for effect, with absolutely no intention of backing it up with action. This is annoying and fake. If you really get to know someone, and let them get to know you, you won't need this sort of grandstanding behavior.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:25 PM on November 17, 2008 [20 favorites]
I want to communicate that while I might have some rebellious views, and joke about outlandish things, I would never act out on most things I talk about.
So say so. "Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny to kill everyone here and use their bodies as puppets? Just kidding, I would never do something like that" (that might be a strange example, I get no sense from your post what sort of things you're actually joking about). Of course, I suspect you then may come to find that just talking about such things is enough to give people pause about dating you. At that point, I would suggest you think about why you consider talking/joking about things you would never do a fundamental part of your personality.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on November 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
So say so. "Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny to kill everyone here and use their bodies as puppets? Just kidding, I would never do something like that" (that might be a strange example, I get no sense from your post what sort of things you're actually joking about). Of course, I suspect you then may come to find that just talking about such things is enough to give people pause about dating you. At that point, I would suggest you think about why you consider talking/joking about things you would never do a fundamental part of your personality.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on November 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
What rokusan said - why on earth would you want to date somebody who doesn't appreciate what you have to offer?
And you're never going to appeal to everybody. Stop worrying about the ones you're "scaring away" and concentrate on the ones you're attracting.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
And you're never going to appeal to everybody. Stop worrying about the ones you're "scaring away" and concentrate on the ones you're attracting.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
("you're never going to appeal to everybody" = "one is never going to appeal to everybody")
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
Our choices have copnsequences. The consequence here is that people who are frightened by such behavior will not care to date you. You may find this is a rather large subset of the population. It is their right.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
posted by Ironmouth at 9:40 PM on November 17, 2008
I think mostly people fear the unknown. So, perhaps make an extra effort to connect strongly? I think that people respond very well when someone takes an strong immediate interest about their lives, thoughts, etc, and the feeling of "what the hell is this person going to do next and I be arrested too" could turn into a feeling of "wow this person thinks I'm exciting enough to pay attention to!" But what do I know - I'm just a cell in the hive mind.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 10:00 PM on November 17, 2008
posted by Salvor Hardin at 10:00 PM on November 17, 2008
Damn, what is it with me and typos tonight?
posted by Salvor Hardin at 10:01 PM on November 17, 2008
posted by Salvor Hardin at 10:01 PM on November 17, 2008
They might not feel threatened. I have to say, in your post you come across as "I am way to edgy for most people!" Well, maybe so, but in my experience it's much more a problem for people to be hung up on "who they are."
I mean, ultimately you will probably meet the perfect someone that you will want to settle down with, raise a family, grow old with. This means giving up "thrill seeking" but it's okay because you have found a person that makes you happy.
Okay, so I guess you have some kind of morbid humor, or joke about doing crazy things? This hardly puts you in the class of people unable to get dates. The truth is that having conversations about these things may not be the best for getting to know a person off the bat. It has less to do with the fact that they are "out there" ideas and more to do with the fact that there are conversation topics that lend themselves to getting to know another person better, or interacting with them. Someone looking for a second date should probably not go on and on about some topic that interests them if the person they're talking to shows no interest in it. In my experience, talking about yourself (and, in turn, asking the other person about themselves) is a much better way to move the conversation along. You say you talk about crazy things you've done, and then you say you would never act out on most things you talk about. Well, I guess if I'm confused, your date might be too.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:23 PM on November 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
I mean, ultimately you will probably meet the perfect someone that you will want to settle down with, raise a family, grow old with. This means giving up "thrill seeking" but it's okay because you have found a person that makes you happy.
Okay, so I guess you have some kind of morbid humor, or joke about doing crazy things? This hardly puts you in the class of people unable to get dates. The truth is that having conversations about these things may not be the best for getting to know a person off the bat. It has less to do with the fact that they are "out there" ideas and more to do with the fact that there are conversation topics that lend themselves to getting to know another person better, or interacting with them. Someone looking for a second date should probably not go on and on about some topic that interests them if the person they're talking to shows no interest in it. In my experience, talking about yourself (and, in turn, asking the other person about themselves) is a much better way to move the conversation along. You say you talk about crazy things you've done, and then you say you would never act out on most things you talk about. Well, I guess if I'm confused, your date might be too.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:23 PM on November 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
To expand on The Light Fantastic's astute comment, let me add this:
If you talk about this frequently on the first few interactions (which it sounds like you do) your "normal" date is left with two options:
Option 1. You are not full of shit. "This guy is crazy... he'd probably rob a bank and use me as a human shield if he thought it'd be good for a story later."
Option 2. You are full of shit. "This guy is totally full of shit. What a douchebag."
Put another way: some people are turned off by excessive talk like this because, from their point of view, there's absolutely nothing positive about it, joking or serious. Your best options are to either a) figure out why you feel compelled to "grandstand" (a very delicate and generous term, I think) and then knock it off or b) find people who enjoy that about you.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:24 PM on November 17, 2008
If you talk about this frequently on the first few interactions (which it sounds like you do) your "normal" date is left with two options:
Option 1. You are not full of shit. "This guy is crazy... he'd probably rob a bank and use me as a human shield if he thought it'd be good for a story later."
Option 2. You are full of shit. "This guy is totally full of shit. What a douchebag."
Put another way: some people are turned off by excessive talk like this because, from their point of view, there's absolutely nothing positive about it, joking or serious. Your best options are to either a) figure out why you feel compelled to "grandstand" (a very delicate and generous term, I think) and then knock it off or b) find people who enjoy that about you.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:24 PM on November 17, 2008
Response by poster: toomuchpete and light fantastic...
I don't want to be contrarian, but it is none of the above. Option 3 is that I DO tend to sympathize with such people a little bit. When terrible shit like that happens, I sympathize with both the victims and the perpatrator(s). For someone to go and rob a bank and use someone as a human shield, they must have had a really fucked up life. Maybe they are extremely poor and couldn't get money any other way, and his kids are starving. Maybe they are poor because they can't find a job. Maybe they can't find a job because they are being discriminated against, be it mental illness (this happens, no joke) or whatever. He could've been severely abused and neglected as a child...and so on.
And option 4, which ties into what Deathalicious mentioned...I have a dark sense of humor. I'm not sure why. I'm the kind of person who can make light of anything, and almost any situation can be made humorous. The same things that may anger or frighten some people, makes me laugh. If I heard something like "Man robs a bank and uses someone as a human shield because he thought it'd be good for a story later" on the news, I would probably chuckle and say "Wow what a psycho TOOL! IF he wanted to be that notorious, he should just videotaped the whole thing".
Yes, I ask questions about people's lives, most people interest me, and want to know a LOT more about them... but I don't get as far as I'd like to. When I can't get people to open up, I start opening up instead.
posted by sixcolors at 10:58 PM on November 17, 2008
I don't want to be contrarian, but it is none of the above. Option 3 is that I DO tend to sympathize with such people a little bit. When terrible shit like that happens, I sympathize with both the victims and the perpatrator(s). For someone to go and rob a bank and use someone as a human shield, they must have had a really fucked up life. Maybe they are extremely poor and couldn't get money any other way, and his kids are starving. Maybe they are poor because they can't find a job. Maybe they can't find a job because they are being discriminated against, be it mental illness (this happens, no joke) or whatever. He could've been severely abused and neglected as a child...and so on.
And option 4, which ties into what Deathalicious mentioned...I have a dark sense of humor. I'm not sure why. I'm the kind of person who can make light of anything, and almost any situation can be made humorous. The same things that may anger or frighten some people, makes me laugh. If I heard something like "Man robs a bank and uses someone as a human shield because he thought it'd be good for a story later" on the news, I would probably chuckle and say "Wow what a psycho TOOL! IF he wanted to be that notorious, he should just videotaped the whole thing".
Yes, I ask questions about people's lives, most people interest me, and want to know a LOT more about them... but I don't get as far as I'd like to. When I can't get people to open up, I start opening up instead.
posted by sixcolors at 10:58 PM on November 17, 2008
Response by poster: a) figure out why you feel compelled to "grandstand" (a very delicate and generous term, I think)
Oops, I overlooked this part earlier. The answer is, it's strange. I've actually gotten some really positive reactions. It's one extreme or the other, I either creep people out or I get them to really relax and open up. I think the reason for the latter is that I am percieved as nonjudgemental and even trustworthy by such people.
posted by sixcolors at 11:12 PM on November 17, 2008
Oops, I overlooked this part earlier. The answer is, it's strange. I've actually gotten some really positive reactions. It's one extreme or the other, I either creep people out or I get them to really relax and open up. I think the reason for the latter is that I am percieved as nonjudgemental and even trustworthy by such people.
posted by sixcolors at 11:12 PM on November 17, 2008
What is the question here? How to make it clear that you're only joking? Say "I'm only joking" after you make a joke.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:20 PM on November 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ludwig_van at 11:20 PM on November 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
The Light Fantastic is 100% right. You are being fake, putting on an act, saying things for shock value. You know it, we know it, we know you know it. The easiest solution is to just not say things you don't mean.
I knew a guy in high school who was exactly like you, and sure enough, people were scared of him. (And I had the same tendencies for a while, but not as bad as this guy, thankfully.) Now, everybody your age bullshits a little now and then; that's not a problem. The problem occurs when you accidentally step over the line--sooner or later, you'll say something that's too out-there, or make a joke that doesn't go over. At that point you can either back down and admit you were bullshitting, losing a little face in the process, or you can go the other direction, which is what my friend did: keep trying to sell people on how serious you are, invent detailed philosophies to expound, get confrontational, dare people to call you a liar.
Well, when you do that, some people will see right through you and stop talking to you, just because you're a pain to deal with. And some people won't see through you, and will take you at face value, and will be scared of you. So when that happens--when you step over the line while bullshitting--back down. Please note that I'm not suggesting backing down when you're being sincere; don't be afraid to defend your genuine views. But don't try to defend exaggerations, because it won't work. And don't lie to yourself--recognize when you're being sincere and when you're faking.
posted by equalpants at 11:46 PM on November 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
I knew a guy in high school who was exactly like you, and sure enough, people were scared of him. (And I had the same tendencies for a while, but not as bad as this guy, thankfully.) Now, everybody your age bullshits a little now and then; that's not a problem. The problem occurs when you accidentally step over the line--sooner or later, you'll say something that's too out-there, or make a joke that doesn't go over. At that point you can either back down and admit you were bullshitting, losing a little face in the process, or you can go the other direction, which is what my friend did: keep trying to sell people on how serious you are, invent detailed philosophies to expound, get confrontational, dare people to call you a liar.
Well, when you do that, some people will see right through you and stop talking to you, just because you're a pain to deal with. And some people won't see through you, and will take you at face value, and will be scared of you. So when that happens--when you step over the line while bullshitting--back down. Please note that I'm not suggesting backing down when you're being sincere; don't be afraid to defend your genuine views. But don't try to defend exaggerations, because it won't work. And don't lie to yourself--recognize when you're being sincere and when you're faking.
posted by equalpants at 11:46 PM on November 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
This seems very similar to your previous questions in a way. Not being snarky, but you have a bit of a tendency to overthink human interaction, IHMO, and your questions seems to often be in some way about 'how do I get x to stop thinking y about me?' The simple answer is you can't... the only thing you can change in this situation is yourself, and even that not necessarily that much, (nor should you) unless you're being a major arsehole, which I doubt. Learn to respond to the specifics of social situations and adjust your pace accordingly, i.e how much and how soon you open up to suit the people you're with. The trick here is to know when you're adjusting too much, and that will come with time.
Ultimately, the bottom line is (and I've said it before and I'll keep saying it): find the people who like you for who you are... find the people who like you for who you are... find the people who like you for who you are...
posted by Chairboy at 3:12 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Ultimately, the bottom line is (and I've said it before and I'll keep saying it): find the people who like you for who you are... find the people who like you for who you are... find the people who like you for who you are...
posted by Chairboy at 3:12 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
if you alienate people you want in your life, therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. you should find people who like you for who you are--of course--but if you are finding that NOBODY likes you for who you are, or are too worried you will hurt yourself or them, you might have some issues to address. (saying you are "afraid" to let go of your rebelliousness tells me you do--lots of people cope with unwanted authority and avoid being taken advantage of in other ways)
people with "normal" limits might view you as having a deathwish and be concerned that getting involved with you will be a recipe for heartache--why should i care about this person who is not afraid of getting hurt, or who isn't worried about pissing off the boss and losing his job?
there's no way around it. you have to decide whether your attachment to your rebellion is more important than your possible attachment to people you might love. which isn't to say you should chuck it all and become a librarian, but you might have to make compromises for love. we all do.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:29 AM on November 18, 2008
people with "normal" limits might view you as having a deathwish and be concerned that getting involved with you will be a recipe for heartache--why should i care about this person who is not afraid of getting hurt, or who isn't worried about pissing off the boss and losing his job?
there's no way around it. you have to decide whether your attachment to your rebellion is more important than your possible attachment to people you might love. which isn't to say you should chuck it all and become a librarian, but you might have to make compromises for love. we all do.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:29 AM on November 18, 2008
"I don't want to be contrarian, but it is none of the above."
Not an option. You're focusing on specific examples rather than the concept -- you didn't give any real examples of things you've said that have freaked people out, so I had to improvise.
The bottom line... people feel threatened by you . You joke about not taking no for an answer and doing almost anything for a thrill. You joke about "outlandish" things.
But this sentence of yours says all that needs to be said: "I would never act out on most things I talk about."
You're saying outlandish things -- that you'd supposedly never do -- and people feel threatened by it... which means you're either scary or full of shit. Your third and fourth options might make you feel better to suggest, but they're rationalizations.
posted by toomuchpete at 5:57 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Not an option. You're focusing on specific examples rather than the concept -- you didn't give any real examples of things you've said that have freaked people out, so I had to improvise.
The bottom line... people feel threatened by you . You joke about not taking no for an answer and doing almost anything for a thrill. You joke about "outlandish" things.
But this sentence of yours says all that needs to be said: "I would never act out on most things I talk about."
You're saying outlandish things -- that you'd supposedly never do -- and people feel threatened by it... which means you're either scary or full of shit. Your third and fourth options might make you feel better to suggest, but they're rationalizations.
posted by toomuchpete at 5:57 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
You should start a punk band.
posted by ph00dz at 6:10 AM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by ph00dz at 6:10 AM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
I have no desire to change, in fact I would be quite scared to so.
There's the crux of it. It sounds like you associate anti-social manner with being the person you think you are, and have constructed a series of justifications for that behavior. So long as you are thinking and acting that way, you won't stop pushing people away; few healthy adults choose to associate with someone who needs to act in a grossly unusual way in order to feel normal. Many teenagers go through this kind of thing, but it's rather limiting as a long-term strategy.
"I give up the thrill-seeking, I will miss out on life" is a fairly questionable statement -- if you give up these risky behaviors, you'll have a different set of experiences, but you won't "miss" life. It sounds like you're finding the consequences of your current approach unpleasant. You could probably also say, "if I don't stop behaving like this, I'll miss out on a large amount of experiences". Seconding the recommendation to set aside some time to work out why you're so afraid to tone things down a bit, and to decide whether it's more valuable than the people and opportunities you're shutting out of your life.
posted by ellF at 6:16 AM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
There's the crux of it. It sounds like you associate anti-social manner with being the person you think you are, and have constructed a series of justifications for that behavior. So long as you are thinking and acting that way, you won't stop pushing people away; few healthy adults choose to associate with someone who needs to act in a grossly unusual way in order to feel normal. Many teenagers go through this kind of thing, but it's rather limiting as a long-term strategy.
"I give up the thrill-seeking, I will miss out on life" is a fairly questionable statement -- if you give up these risky behaviors, you'll have a different set of experiences, but you won't "miss" life. It sounds like you're finding the consequences of your current approach unpleasant. You could probably also say, "if I don't stop behaving like this, I'll miss out on a large amount of experiences". Seconding the recommendation to set aside some time to work out why you're so afraid to tone things down a bit, and to decide whether it's more valuable than the people and opportunities you're shutting out of your life.
posted by ellF at 6:16 AM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
I'd like to think of myself as fairly high up on the thrill-seeking scale - perhaps not quite up to the OP, but I digress. I've had success simply by being myself and being around other people like me. If you're Christian, you find other Christians at a church. If you're a stranger in a strange land, you find out where the strangers are. If you're the sort that believes bungee-jumping is too mainstream, you find the other people who believe as you do. They're out there.
With that said, instead of trying to tell people all the things you wouldn't do, tell them some of the things you have done! You have quite a few stories I bet you could share with any woman you're on a first date - and by the end of the story you'll probably be able to feel them out as to whether it freaked them out or they're foaming at the mouth to tell their own derring-do story.
Enjoy the dating world for what it is - and stop trying to be acceptable to everyone :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 7:14 AM on November 18, 2008
With that said, instead of trying to tell people all the things you wouldn't do, tell them some of the things you have done! You have quite a few stories I bet you could share with any woman you're on a first date - and by the end of the story you'll probably be able to feel them out as to whether it freaked them out or they're foaming at the mouth to tell their own derring-do story.
Enjoy the dating world for what it is - and stop trying to be acceptable to everyone :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 7:14 AM on November 18, 2008
Response by poster: you didn't give any real examples of things you've said that have freaked people out, so I had to improvise.
I didn't think listing any examples would be necessary, plus I've had people complain about listing them in my past questions.
But, here's an example. I like to debate. I support legalization of all drugs, polygamy, prostitution, and lowering the age of consent to age 16. I support those things either because I want to do them without consequence (marijuana and walking down the street drinking a beer), or I support people on what THEY want to do. I have no desire to be a prostitute or hire one, nor do I want to date a 16 year old. HOWEVER if someone else wants to do those things, I think they should have the right to do them. I'm not sure how this puts me in only one of two categories, being dangerous or "full of shit". I really hope that I cleared this up.
As for the thrillseeking part, there's no bullshitting there, most of the things I talk about are true. I don't turn down dares, yet won't do something thats strongly illegal or physically dangerous. I think the last off the wall thing I did was fit 8 people in my car and drove around a few blocks. I couldn't make any right turns, and made the additional people get out of my car. It something that I will never do again, but it was a funny experience, I was curious what would happen if I was caught...one of the last girls I tried to pick up didn't find it funny at all, and was creeped out by it.
posted by sixcolors at 7:41 AM on November 18, 2008
I didn't think listing any examples would be necessary, plus I've had people complain about listing them in my past questions.
But, here's an example. I like to debate. I support legalization of all drugs, polygamy, prostitution, and lowering the age of consent to age 16. I support those things either because I want to do them without consequence (marijuana and walking down the street drinking a beer), or I support people on what THEY want to do. I have no desire to be a prostitute or hire one, nor do I want to date a 16 year old. HOWEVER if someone else wants to do those things, I think they should have the right to do them. I'm not sure how this puts me in only one of two categories, being dangerous or "full of shit". I really hope that I cleared this up.
As for the thrillseeking part, there's no bullshitting there, most of the things I talk about are true. I don't turn down dares, yet won't do something thats strongly illegal or physically dangerous. I think the last off the wall thing I did was fit 8 people in my car and drove around a few blocks. I couldn't make any right turns, and made the additional people get out of my car. It something that I will never do again, but it was a funny experience, I was curious what would happen if I was caught...one of the last girls I tried to pick up didn't find it funny at all, and was creeped out by it.
posted by sixcolors at 7:41 AM on November 18, 2008
You think that driving in a car (made, presumably, for no more than 5 very squished people) stuffed so full of people that you couldn't see to make a right turn is neither illegal nor dangerous?
Perhaps the girl was creeped out not by the story, but by the way you are presenting it. Saying you'll do anything as long as it's legal and not too dangerous, then telling stories that show the exact opposite without the "then I realised this is really too dangerous" part makes you sound dishonest. And if you use pot, then yes, you do more illegal things. Most people don't really feel strongly anti-pot, but there's this disconnect between what you say you are doing and what you are doing.
posted by jeather at 8:11 AM on November 18, 2008
Perhaps the girl was creeped out not by the story, but by the way you are presenting it. Saying you'll do anything as long as it's legal and not too dangerous, then telling stories that show the exact opposite without the "then I realised this is really too dangerous" part makes you sound dishonest. And if you use pot, then yes, you do more illegal things. Most people don't really feel strongly anti-pot, but there's this disconnect between what you say you are doing and what you are doing.
posted by jeather at 8:11 AM on November 18, 2008
You think that driving in a car (made, presumably, for no more than 5 very squished people) stuffed so full of people that you couldn't see to make a right turn is neither illegal nor dangerous?
I had the opposite reaction- you thinking driving around with extra people in your car makes you more badass than the general population? You did something that every 15 year old in the world has done.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on November 18, 2008 [12 favorites]
I had the opposite reaction- you thinking driving around with extra people in your car makes you more badass than the general population? You did something that every 15 year old in the world has done.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on November 18, 2008 [12 favorites]
Sixcolors. What do you have so invested in having people accept you however you decide to describe yourself? You are not consistent; in the post "I would never act out on most things I talk about"; later when someone brings up _what you just said_ it becomes "there's no bullshitting there, most of the things I talk about are true". Well, which is it? Why this fierce need to be identified by other however you are deciding to speak of yourself at this point in time? It's bizarre, and even if you could force people to get "on the same page" with you, if you are constantly changing your mind about who you are, just getting someone to accept your most recent description would take up most of your social time.
Additionally, you seem highly hypocritical, in that you believe people are constantly judging you ("I don't fit in with lower class or upper class, because my parents are both!" "People are so intimidated by my rebellious streak!")--and incorrectly, no less-- yet you are eager to lay down judgment for other minor infractions (like having weed without alerting you first, or "being stupid"-whatever that means). Basically, it seems like you're looking for an easy way out-- you want some way to just make people think of you in the way you deem appropriate, and attract people who aren't attracted to you--basically, to get everything your way-- without even having to deal with the fact that these are _your_ behavioral issues that need addressing, rather than the attitudes of those around you.
posted by shownomercy at 8:21 AM on November 18, 2008 [5 favorites]
Additionally, you seem highly hypocritical, in that you believe people are constantly judging you ("I don't fit in with lower class or upper class, because my parents are both!" "People are so intimidated by my rebellious streak!")--and incorrectly, no less-- yet you are eager to lay down judgment for other minor infractions (like having weed without alerting you first, or "being stupid"-whatever that means). Basically, it seems like you're looking for an easy way out-- you want some way to just make people think of you in the way you deem appropriate, and attract people who aren't attracted to you--basically, to get everything your way-- without even having to deal with the fact that these are _your_ behavioral issues that need addressing, rather than the attitudes of those around you.
posted by shownomercy at 8:21 AM on November 18, 2008 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I like to debate.
Which is great when you're having a pint with friends. The dynamics of dating are different, and there's a difference between debating and having a conversation in which you don't agree. It's mainly that in a conversation on a date, the primary obligation of both parties is to consider whether the other person is having a pleasant time, even if that means conceding a point and changing the subject before things get too heavy.
I support legalization of all drugs, polygamy, prostitution, and lowering the age of consent to age 16.
Lots and lots of people support these things (some more than others), and most people I know wouldn't be weirded out at all by someone simply expressing these viewpoints. Either you're choosing incompatible people to spend time with, or the problem is not with your views but rather with the way in which you express them.
As for the story with the car...well, if someone I was dating told me that story, I wouldn't think they were a psycho, but I would probably hesitate to get in a car with them even if there weren't six other people with us. Frankly, it's something I would expect of an immature teenager. If an adult I'm considering spending a lot of time with were to tell that story, I would expect it to be told in an embarrassed tone, and ended with something like, "Man, I was a stupid kid back then!"
Any you were curious what would happen if you were caught? Really? I'm sure you have enough imagination to picture anything along the spectrum of: stern talking-to / ticket and fine / ticket and court date / arrested. What part of your curiosity would be satisfied by knowing which of those things happens to someone with eight people in the car? Or was it more about being willing to risk legal trouble for yourself and (at least) inconvenience for your friends so you would have a story to tell later on? I suspect these are the types of questions your prospective date asked herself, if you presented the story to her the way you did to us.
posted by [user was fined for this post] at 8:29 AM on November 18, 2008
Which is great when you're having a pint with friends. The dynamics of dating are different, and there's a difference between debating and having a conversation in which you don't agree. It's mainly that in a conversation on a date, the primary obligation of both parties is to consider whether the other person is having a pleasant time, even if that means conceding a point and changing the subject before things get too heavy.
I support legalization of all drugs, polygamy, prostitution, and lowering the age of consent to age 16.
Lots and lots of people support these things (some more than others), and most people I know wouldn't be weirded out at all by someone simply expressing these viewpoints. Either you're choosing incompatible people to spend time with, or the problem is not with your views but rather with the way in which you express them.
As for the story with the car...well, if someone I was dating told me that story, I wouldn't think they were a psycho, but I would probably hesitate to get in a car with them even if there weren't six other people with us. Frankly, it's something I would expect of an immature teenager. If an adult I'm considering spending a lot of time with were to tell that story, I would expect it to be told in an embarrassed tone, and ended with something like, "Man, I was a stupid kid back then!"
Any you were curious what would happen if you were caught? Really? I'm sure you have enough imagination to picture anything along the spectrum of: stern talking-to / ticket and fine / ticket and court date / arrested. What part of your curiosity would be satisfied by knowing which of those things happens to someone with eight people in the car? Or was it more about being willing to risk legal trouble for yourself and (at least) inconvenience for your friends so you would have a story to tell later on? I suspect these are the types of questions your prospective date asked herself, if you presented the story to her the way you did to us.
posted by [user was fined for this post] at 8:29 AM on November 18, 2008
Response by poster: uwfftp,
I like your reply, and I think the second half is something to take into consideration. I won't own up to being "dangerous" or "fake", but I completely own to being immature at times. I do wonder if I'm at a point that I should change the way I express my need for a rush. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, I've had it all my life...and going by the research I've done on this personality trait, I will likely leave the world the same way. Maybe my best bet is to give up my juvenile actions for rock climbing or some risk-taking profession. With the latter, at least I will get paid, instead of having money taken away from me if I get fined or arrested or sued.
posted by sixcolors at 9:29 AM on November 18, 2008
I like your reply, and I think the second half is something to take into consideration. I won't own up to being "dangerous" or "fake", but I completely own to being immature at times. I do wonder if I'm at a point that I should change the way I express my need for a rush. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, I've had it all my life...and going by the research I've done on this personality trait, I will likely leave the world the same way. Maybe my best bet is to give up my juvenile actions for rock climbing or some risk-taking profession. With the latter, at least I will get paid, instead of having money taken away from me if I get fined or arrested or sued.
posted by sixcolors at 9:29 AM on November 18, 2008
one of the last girls I tried to pick up didn't find it funny at all, and was creeped out by it.
Shame you didn't get her number, sounds like she and I might have some things in common.
In all seriousness, you still haven't said anything that I would consider even remotely threatening, which is what my comments were directed towards.
Are you sure these girls thing you're too much of a bad-ass and not, say, too immature? I can definitely see where they'd get that read from, but I'm not getting the "They're threatened" read.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:33 AM on November 18, 2008
Shame you didn't get her number, sounds like she and I might have some things in common.
In all seriousness, you still haven't said anything that I would consider even remotely threatening, which is what my comments were directed towards.
Are you sure these girls thing you're too much of a bad-ass and not, say, too immature? I can definitely see where they'd get that read from, but I'm not getting the "They're threatened" read.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:33 AM on November 18, 2008
Response by poster: You're not super special and unique. Nothing you say here has indicated that.
Of course not, if I didn't think that I could find someone on here to relate to my issues, I wouldn't post anything.
The majority of your answers on this site are to your own questions. Why do think that is?
I'm in learning mode, when I read other peoples posts. I don't answer a lot of other peoples questions, because I simply don't have any answers to them, I don't want to be spouting a lot of drivel. I'm not blessed with the life experiences to offer tons of advice, at this point in my life. Are you implying becasue I have not answered a lot of questions, I shouldn't ask any?
I suggest seeing a mental health professional, and, if you possibly can, try not to manipulate them.
No health insurance for that....
posted by sixcolors at 12:43 PM on November 18, 2008
Of course not, if I didn't think that I could find someone on here to relate to my issues, I wouldn't post anything.
The majority of your answers on this site are to your own questions. Why do think that is?
I'm in learning mode, when I read other peoples posts. I don't answer a lot of other peoples questions, because I simply don't have any answers to them, I don't want to be spouting a lot of drivel. I'm not blessed with the life experiences to offer tons of advice, at this point in my life. Are you implying becasue I have not answered a lot of questions, I shouldn't ask any?
I suggest seeing a mental health professional, and, if you possibly can, try not to manipulate them.
No health insurance for that....
posted by sixcolors at 12:43 PM on November 18, 2008
It looks to me like you're not being turned down because you're too scary or edgy, you're being turned down because you aren't being genuine.
From what you've said, it seems like you're doing all kinds of stuff, like the car stunt or your proposed revenge for the floor-pooping incident to make people like you.
The thing is that some people are going to think you're annoying because of this and they might not trust you, especially if they think you'd say anything to get approval.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:11 PM on November 18, 2008
From what you've said, it seems like you're doing all kinds of stuff, like the car stunt or your proposed revenge for the floor-pooping incident to make people like you.
The thing is that some people are going to think you're annoying because of this and they might not trust you, especially if they think you'd say anything to get approval.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:11 PM on November 18, 2008
Best answer: "I think the last off the wall thing I did was fit 8 people in my car and drove around a few blocks."
This was a huge fad in the late 1940s, along with stuffing undergrads in phone booths and swallowing goldfish. I did it when I was 15, fitting 12 people into a friend's Festiva (STICK SHIFT!). I've also sky-dived and taken 'shrooms at Cedar Point, had sex in a bus bathroom and been in a high-speed car chase. Last weekend, I was breaking into abandoned yards to take photos of graffiti.
I don't mean that as a "Lookit, I'm a badass," but rather to point out that I'm not someone who's going to be scared off by thrill-seeking, nor are most of my friends.
But there are two things that go along with that: First off, talking about most of those things is pretty dull. It's similar to folks who brag about all the insane sex they're having—unless you're involved, it's pretty boring. Second, folks who brag about the risks they take tend toward taking stupid risks. If I'm getting together a group to go prank someone or break into somewhere or do anything that has serious consequences, I don't want the folks who are always saying that they're up for anything—I want the folks who are always looking for ways that things could go wrong. I don't want someone tandem jumping with me who's always kinda wanted to see what it would be like if the parachute failed, or even someone who's saying that. I want someone who, if they joke about it, it's in the context of triple-checking the cords and pack and buckles. I don't want someone belaying me who thinks it might be cool to jerk around my line while I'm halfway up a rock face.
So what it sounds like here is that you're trying too hard and don't have a very good sense of what risk looks like. You cop to being immature, and that's a big part of maturity. The things you think are "rebellious" come across here as fairly shallow and reflexive intellectual arguments from a bourgeois background.
As for dating, well, remember, you don't have to lecture everyone you date on how fun-loving and zany you are. Use the narrative device of showing, not telling. That, along with a bit of growing up, will minimize many of these problems.
posted by klangklangston at 2:14 PM on November 18, 2008 [3 favorites]
This was a huge fad in the late 1940s, along with stuffing undergrads in phone booths and swallowing goldfish. I did it when I was 15, fitting 12 people into a friend's Festiva (STICK SHIFT!). I've also sky-dived and taken 'shrooms at Cedar Point, had sex in a bus bathroom and been in a high-speed car chase. Last weekend, I was breaking into abandoned yards to take photos of graffiti.
I don't mean that as a "Lookit, I'm a badass," but rather to point out that I'm not someone who's going to be scared off by thrill-seeking, nor are most of my friends.
But there are two things that go along with that: First off, talking about most of those things is pretty dull. It's similar to folks who brag about all the insane sex they're having—unless you're involved, it's pretty boring. Second, folks who brag about the risks they take tend toward taking stupid risks. If I'm getting together a group to go prank someone or break into somewhere or do anything that has serious consequences, I don't want the folks who are always saying that they're up for anything—I want the folks who are always looking for ways that things could go wrong. I don't want someone tandem jumping with me who's always kinda wanted to see what it would be like if the parachute failed, or even someone who's saying that. I want someone who, if they joke about it, it's in the context of triple-checking the cords and pack and buckles. I don't want someone belaying me who thinks it might be cool to jerk around my line while I'm halfway up a rock face.
So what it sounds like here is that you're trying too hard and don't have a very good sense of what risk looks like. You cop to being immature, and that's a big part of maturity. The things you think are "rebellious" come across here as fairly shallow and reflexive intellectual arguments from a bourgeois background.
As for dating, well, remember, you don't have to lecture everyone you date on how fun-loving and zany you are. Use the narrative device of showing, not telling. That, along with a bit of growing up, will minimize many of these problems.
posted by klangklangston at 2:14 PM on November 18, 2008 [3 favorites]
yeah i think these people are uncomfortable around you because you come off as insincere and extremely inconsistent. seconding klang: if you are someone that likes to do ill shit and you have survived past a certain age, you probably have a finely honed sense of risk that keeps you able to do ill shit. you seem to be still in the WOO HOO I'M SO ZANY AND IRREVERENT stage of things and yeah, it's immature and creepy, and yeah, you should maybe think about why you want to characterize yourself as an extreme person that scares others. especially since one of your old questions was about being too straitlaced.
posted by beefetish at 2:27 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by beefetish at 2:27 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I...
dear god.
So... you... bullshit or at least talk-it-up all the time about various things, but you're actually quite tame?
(And yeah yeah, you're quite accepting etc, etc)
a) You're not alone.
b) Oh please please please... maybe consider becoming more interesting?
I mean, people tend to (initially) take people others at face value, in how they present themselves. You've stated you're a 'thrill' seeker, ie you think you're a little on the wild side, and are therefore presenting yourself as such, and now seem to be worried that other people will perceive you as such.
The terrible thing here being, really, you sound reasonably normal.
I dunno, do you live in a fairly republican area? Is the word you're looking for liberal?
Geez. Is is all relative? Can you say... take up fire-dancing? Go to Burning Man? Some other festival where you spend three days naked in the mud, attend a voudou ceremony, an orgy, go on a roadtrip, couch-surfing, lone trips to foreign countries, etc etc?
You seem kind of self-conscious about being a 'thrill-seeker' and maybe I'm missing something, but you don't sound that abnormal??
Maybe being more aware of the range of human variety and expression and weirdness would make you feel more confident and comfortable about being you?
Apologies if I'm totally misreading this...
(PS as conversational points - all drugs? I know a lot of people who've died from Heroin use etc. Also, what if there was a truly addictive drug - you take it once, you're addicted for life (as cocaine may be for a very small minority of people), do you think that should be restricted? Or do you think drugs should be regulated according to independent assessments of health and social effects, rather than arbitrary and populist laws? I'm in New Zealand, and prostitution is already legal, and age of consent is 16. Sky so far, has not fallen. However, I saw peers being manipulated by older adults at that age, and would be more in favour of an age band from 14-18, during which only having sex with someone more than 2-4 years older would be statutory, etc.
I don't know how well you have researched these viewpoints? A more carefully considered and held opinion is usually better regarded, in any case - have data to back up your opinions, that might help.)
posted by Elysum at 2:48 PM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
dear god.
So... you... bullshit or at least talk-it-up all the time about various things, but you're actually quite tame?
(And yeah yeah, you're quite accepting etc, etc)
a) You're not alone.
b) Oh please please please... maybe consider becoming more interesting?
I mean, people tend to (initially) take people others at face value, in how they present themselves. You've stated you're a 'thrill' seeker, ie you think you're a little on the wild side, and are therefore presenting yourself as such, and now seem to be worried that other people will perceive you as such.
The terrible thing here being, really, you sound reasonably normal.
I dunno, do you live in a fairly republican area? Is the word you're looking for liberal?
Geez. Is is all relative? Can you say... take up fire-dancing? Go to Burning Man? Some other festival where you spend three days naked in the mud, attend a voudou ceremony, an orgy, go on a roadtrip, couch-surfing, lone trips to foreign countries, etc etc?
You seem kind of self-conscious about being a 'thrill-seeker' and maybe I'm missing something, but you don't sound that abnormal??
Maybe being more aware of the range of human variety and expression and weirdness would make you feel more confident and comfortable about being you?
Apologies if I'm totally misreading this...
(PS as conversational points - all drugs? I know a lot of people who've died from Heroin use etc. Also, what if there was a truly addictive drug - you take it once, you're addicted for life (as cocaine may be for a very small minority of people), do you think that should be restricted? Or do you think drugs should be regulated according to independent assessments of health and social effects, rather than arbitrary and populist laws? I'm in New Zealand, and prostitution is already legal, and age of consent is 16. Sky so far, has not fallen. However, I saw peers being manipulated by older adults at that age, and would be more in favour of an age band from 14-18, during which only having sex with someone more than 2-4 years older would be statutory, etc.
I don't know how well you have researched these viewpoints? A more carefully considered and held opinion is usually better regarded, in any case - have data to back up your opinions, that might help.)
posted by Elysum at 2:48 PM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
I think you're on the right track about finding better ways to express your need for a rush. We are fortunate to live in a time when socially accepted risk-taking behaviors are nearly limitless. There are entire TV channels that do nothing but show extreme sports all day long. Rock climbing, paragliding, BASE jumping, the list is endless. There are even plenty of non-recreational things you could do to get a rush; become a volunteer firefighter, for example.
What all of these things have in common is that they require practice, skill and courage. If you become good at any of these things, you will respect yourself for it. You will get to know other people who do what you're doing, and they will respect you for it because they know how hard it is to develop that skill (whatever it ends up being).
It's an incredible feeling, being respected by a highly skilled person and knowing you earned that respect. Better still, no one can accuse you of bullshitting, because all that really matters out there is what you can do and how well you can do it.
You may end up dating someone in the same sport/vocation, and if you do, you'll automatically have that risk-seeking motivation in common. If not, when you talk to someone you're dating about what you do, she's likely (even as an outsider) to be attracted to a person who has the skill and determination to do something difficult and do it well. And hey, you'll definitely have some great stories to tell.
A word of caution: whatever you choose to do, don't go outside the bounds established by those who have gone before you. In other words, don't try to amp it up even more by taking risks beyond those demanded by the sport or activity. There's no quicker way to lose the respect of people who have worked hard at what they do and want their activity to be admired by the outside world.
posted by [user was fined for this post] at 3:23 PM on November 18, 2008
What all of these things have in common is that they require practice, skill and courage. If you become good at any of these things, you will respect yourself for it. You will get to know other people who do what you're doing, and they will respect you for it because they know how hard it is to develop that skill (whatever it ends up being).
It's an incredible feeling, being respected by a highly skilled person and knowing you earned that respect. Better still, no one can accuse you of bullshitting, because all that really matters out there is what you can do and how well you can do it.
You may end up dating someone in the same sport/vocation, and if you do, you'll automatically have that risk-seeking motivation in common. If not, when you talk to someone you're dating about what you do, she's likely (even as an outsider) to be attracted to a person who has the skill and determination to do something difficult and do it well. And hey, you'll definitely have some great stories to tell.
A word of caution: whatever you choose to do, don't go outside the bounds established by those who have gone before you. In other words, don't try to amp it up even more by taking risks beyond those demanded by the sport or activity. There's no quicker way to lose the respect of people who have worked hard at what they do and want their activity to be admired by the outside world.
posted by [user was fined for this post] at 3:23 PM on November 18, 2008
I think the last off the wall thing I did was fit 8 people in my car and drove around a few blocks.
Ok, this is where you clearly need to get out of your bubble and see a bit more of the world. This image is a pretty representative look at how much of the world gets around. Here's another, and another. And check out this one, and this top-heavy one, and these two (a, b) river crossings.
In other words, if you think you are some risk-taking bad-ass because you put 8 people in a full-size car and went around the block, all you are saying is how limited your experiences and view of the world really are. Once you have spent eight hours in that bus I labeled "top-heavy" with a coked-up driver going around corners on two wheels, with cliffs below and no guard-rails, then you will be able to look back on your trip around the block and put it in some perspective.
My suggestion: stop talking big (it's a drag, and boring, and people are letting you know it by running away), and start living big. It honestly doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you go out there and start doing it. Travel is the obvious thing to suggest, because it will force you to encounter the complex world as nothing else will, but shit, just about anything will help, as long as you stop talking and start doing stuff.
posted by Forktine at 7:36 PM on November 18, 2008
Ok, this is where you clearly need to get out of your bubble and see a bit more of the world. This image is a pretty representative look at how much of the world gets around. Here's another, and another. And check out this one, and this top-heavy one, and these two (a, b) river crossings.
In other words, if you think you are some risk-taking bad-ass because you put 8 people in a full-size car and went around the block, all you are saying is how limited your experiences and view of the world really are. Once you have spent eight hours in that bus I labeled "top-heavy" with a coked-up driver going around corners on two wheels, with cliffs below and no guard-rails, then you will be able to look back on your trip around the block and put it in some perspective.
My suggestion: stop talking big (it's a drag, and boring, and people are letting you know it by running away), and start living big. It honestly doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you go out there and start doing it. Travel is the obvious thing to suggest, because it will force you to encounter the complex world as nothing else will, but shit, just about anything will help, as long as you stop talking and start doing stuff.
posted by Forktine at 7:36 PM on November 18, 2008
Based on the title you chose for your post, I'm guessing you come across as more creepy than zany. And to be honest, the truly wacky people I've known have tended to consider themselves totally normal. I dunno, you might want to consider not trying so hard.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 9:59 PM on November 18, 2008
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 9:59 PM on November 18, 2008
I think what turns people off sometimes is the feeling that someone is trying to cultivate/influence what you will think of them, rather than just being who they are. When you spend a lot of energy trying to come off a certain way, it rings disingenuous and makes people want to take you down a peg. I'm not saying that you aren't a risk-taking person or that that shouldn't be a part of your personality you can celebrate and enjoy, but spend some time actually being that person rather than making sure everyone knows it.
So telling the car story in the context of the conversation in this thread made sense. It came up, you described what happened, and how you feel about it now. If you were flirting with a chick and it came up, are you sure it didn't sound like, "oh, man, wow, you won't buh-lieve what a risk taker I am! I did this crazy thing once! Isn't that crazy?!"? Her response may have been less about being creeped out and more about discouraging you from bragging about something that isn't worth bragging about. It might have been a social cue.
My father would say that shallow waters make the most noise. So try to be deeper. Let people discover for themselves what's interesting about you.
posted by juliplease at 1:52 PM on November 19, 2008
So telling the car story in the context of the conversation in this thread made sense. It came up, you described what happened, and how you feel about it now. If you were flirting with a chick and it came up, are you sure it didn't sound like, "oh, man, wow, you won't buh-lieve what a risk taker I am! I did this crazy thing once! Isn't that crazy?!"? Her response may have been less about being creeped out and more about discouraging you from bragging about something that isn't worth bragging about. It might have been a social cue.
My father would say that shallow waters make the most noise. So try to be deeper. Let people discover for themselves what's interesting about you.
posted by juliplease at 1:52 PM on November 19, 2008
I think your post title is answering the wrong question on the part of your targets.
I think a much more likely question is "If we go out on a date, will you bore me with your incessant talk about your self-constructed image of yourself as rebellious, and associated not-that-interesting exploits?"
Honestly even if you *have* interesting exploits, you can still bore your dates/potential dates by blathering nonstop. Shush, and ask what crazy stories your target has, instead.
posted by nat at 2:27 PM on November 19, 2008
I think a much more likely question is "If we go out on a date, will you bore me with your incessant talk about your self-constructed image of yourself as rebellious, and associated not-that-interesting exploits?"
Honestly even if you *have* interesting exploits, you can still bore your dates/potential dates by blathering nonstop. Shush, and ask what crazy stories your target has, instead.
posted by nat at 2:27 PM on November 19, 2008
FACT: The amount of time someone talks about how interesting/rebellious/different/daring/unique they are is inversely proportional to how interesting/rebellious/different/daring/unique they actually are.
posted by scody at 11:29 PM on November 19, 2008 [14 favorites]
posted by scody at 11:29 PM on November 19, 2008 [14 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Fine. So date and enjoy the kind of people who enjoy you. Easy.
posted by rokusan at 9:17 PM on November 17, 2008 [1 favorite]