Rapprochement
November 8, 2008 1:51 PM Subscribe
How to rapproch by email?
A couple years ago, I threw a good friend under a bus for a girl who dumped me. She has offered a few olive branches over the past couple years, but I've politely declined them because I wasn't sure if I actually wanted her as a friend.
I've now decided to get in touch with her, and I'm guessing she'll be receptive, but I'm not sure how much of an explanation I owe her up front in the email. I don't like expressing too much emotion in emails or voicemails with people that I don't really trust (lest they be forwarded), and I like to keep all of my communications fairly brief, but I don't know if it would be... dickish to send her a one-sentence message: "Let me know if you'd like to get coffee or whatever", which is my current idea.
Thanks for your input!
A couple years ago, I threw a good friend under a bus for a girl who dumped me. She has offered a few olive branches over the past couple years, but I've politely declined them because I wasn't sure if I actually wanted her as a friend.
I've now decided to get in touch with her, and I'm guessing she'll be receptive, but I'm not sure how much of an explanation I owe her up front in the email. I don't like expressing too much emotion in emails or voicemails with people that I don't really trust (lest they be forwarded), and I like to keep all of my communications fairly brief, but I don't know if it would be... dickish to send her a one-sentence message: "Let me know if you'd like to get coffee or whatever", which is my current idea.
Thanks for your input!
keep e mails brief and minimal but very friendly. There's something about the medium that really amplifies negative content. Leave the explanation til you are face to face with each other, and the sincerity and sympathy will be stronger and more genuine than e mail might seem.
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 2:02 PM on November 8, 2008
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 2:02 PM on November 8, 2008
just to be clear—are you talking about the good friend? or the girl who dumped you?
posted by lia at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2008
posted by lia at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2008
Best answer: There is a tone that comes through in your posting that it's all way less of a big deal to you than to the friend that you "threw under the bus", and I think approaching her after her multiple attempts to reconnect and engaging her with this particular tone would be dickish. You can write a brief mail which gives some distinct pointers towards what you might be thinking and lets her make an informed decision about what she is letting herself in for, but at this point it shows disrespect to write something so terse that the onus is on her to try to decode it and then roll the dice on meeting with you.
It sounds like the ultimate decision to end the friendship was yours and that you're still deeply ambivalent about your ex-friend. I don't know the reason why you are questioning your decision, or what has made you ambivalent about her, but imagine the feeling of having an ambivalent ex-friend who threw you under the bus and rebuffed you a few times come back into your life with the idea that they might not owe you any explanation, and don't trust you, but sort of want to reconnect because [you got me], and you can see that you aren't really on the road to an uplifting experience for either of you, regardless of the words you write her.
Before writing her at all, I would get your head straight about how important this really is to you, and consider leaving her alone if the answer is "meh." If the answer is "important", just think of what you would like to hear from someone to whom you are important and who wishes to bridge the gap after multiple hurts.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:01 PM on November 8, 2008 [4 favorites]
It sounds like the ultimate decision to end the friendship was yours and that you're still deeply ambivalent about your ex-friend. I don't know the reason why you are questioning your decision, or what has made you ambivalent about her, but imagine the feeling of having an ambivalent ex-friend who threw you under the bus and rebuffed you a few times come back into your life with the idea that they might not owe you any explanation, and don't trust you, but sort of want to reconnect because [you got me], and you can see that you aren't really on the road to an uplifting experience for either of you, regardless of the words you write her.
Before writing her at all, I would get your head straight about how important this really is to you, and consider leaving her alone if the answer is "meh." If the answer is "important", just think of what you would like to hear from someone to whom you are important and who wishes to bridge the gap after multiple hurts.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:01 PM on November 8, 2008 [4 favorites]
I'm thick, I know, but who offered olive branches?
It doesn't seem the friend would need to make a peace offering, and it doesn't seem that you'd care if the one who dumped you made a peace offering, so the setup isn't clear at all.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:27 PM on November 8, 2008
It doesn't seem the friend would need to make a peace offering, and it doesn't seem that you'd care if the one who dumped you made a peace offering, so the setup isn't clear at all.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:27 PM on November 8, 2008
"I threw a good friend under a bus...."
"Let me know if you'd like to get coffee or whatever...."
You're right to fear that you're coming across like a dick. Listen to yourself. What's so great about e-mail? If you really have any genuine feelings, phone her and express all of them.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:34 PM on November 8, 2008
"Let me know if you'd like to get coffee or whatever...."
You're right to fear that you're coming across like a dick. Listen to yourself. What's so great about e-mail? If you really have any genuine feelings, phone her and express all of them.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:34 PM on November 8, 2008
Response by poster: It's my friend who offered the olive branches. Maybe "olive branch" isn't the correct term, but let's just say she's reached out to me. There's definitely no bad blood between us; she more or less forgave me, and I've been polite in all my correspondence with her--to the point of saying that I hope she's doing well in a recent email exchange. The friendship has just been dormant for a couple years.
posted by mpls2 at 5:36 PM on November 8, 2008
posted by mpls2 at 5:36 PM on November 8, 2008
OK, so you're not a dick. I'm a dick, actually. I still recommend phoning, not e-mailing.
Hit-and-run asynchronous e-mails are no medium for affairs of the heart.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:49 PM on November 8, 2008
Hit-and-run asynchronous e-mails are no medium for affairs of the heart.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:49 PM on November 8, 2008
I've been polite in all my correspondence with her--to the point of saying that I hope she's doing well in a recent email exchange.
That good, huh?
o_O!!
Er, isn't that usually just standard polite conversational filler?
I'm somewhat confused about the situation, but... look, just from what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you've gotten that far past being mad at her because umm, you threw her under a bus.
I wasn't sure if I actually wanted her as a friend
I mean, you haven't expressed any regret about the metaphorical 'bus' incident, and you still seem pretty cool on the idea of being friends.
Er, if it was me - I'd just leave her alone.
You sound like you were a bit dickish, and you don't seem like you're that into her as a friend. If it's just vague guilt that you haven't been a better friend to her, then please, still just leave her alone. That's for your sake, not hers.
If you're reading this rather indignantly, thinking - 'of course I'm into my friend!' (as a friend), then that would be the datapoint needed to say, sure! Go for it!
posted by Elysum at 10:35 PM on November 13, 2008
That good, huh?
o_O!!
Er, isn't that usually just standard polite conversational filler?
I'm somewhat confused about the situation, but... look, just from what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you've gotten that far past being mad at her because umm, you threw her under a bus.
I wasn't sure if I actually wanted her as a friend
I mean, you haven't expressed any regret about the metaphorical 'bus' incident, and you still seem pretty cool on the idea of being friends.
Er, if it was me - I'd just leave her alone.
You sound like you were a bit dickish, and you don't seem like you're that into her as a friend. If it's just vague guilt that you haven't been a better friend to her, then please, still just leave her alone. That's for your sake, not hers.
If you're reading this rather indignantly, thinking - 'of course I'm into my friend!' (as a friend), then that would be the datapoint needed to say, sure! Go for it!
posted by Elysum at 10:35 PM on November 13, 2008
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"Hey you've been in my thoughts recently, I know I've been scarce for a while but I missed our conversations, want to have coffee?" seems decent enough. Brief but at least not totally out of the blue random.
posted by jessamyn at 1:55 PM on November 8, 2008