Chatting up the grocer
October 30, 2008 3:21 PM Subscribe
I have a crush on the night clerk at my local grocery store. How do I let him know I find him intriguing without coming off all stalkerish?
I've been divorced for two years now, and this is the first guy who's caught my attention at all. (I was married for 10 years, so the recovery process has been slow.) I don't know much about him, other than he seems nice, he has no ring, and I'd like to find out more. But I never see him anywhere other than in the checkout line, where's he's paid to be friendly to everyone. So how do I show my interest in a non-threatening way? I just moved to this very small town, and I'd rather not make an ass of myself for at least another couple months.
I'd love any advice, but especially from anyone who's experienced something similar from either side of the counter.
I've been divorced for two years now, and this is the first guy who's caught my attention at all. (I was married for 10 years, so the recovery process has been slow.) I don't know much about him, other than he seems nice, he has no ring, and I'd like to find out more. But I never see him anywhere other than in the checkout line, where's he's paid to be friendly to everyone. So how do I show my interest in a non-threatening way? I just moved to this very small town, and I'd rather not make an ass of myself for at least another couple months.
I'd love any advice, but especially from anyone who's experienced something similar from either side of the counter.
Best answer: I'd have to say that saying something while he's at work would be a bad idea. If he's not interested, then you've put him in a very awkward position.
If you still want to go ahead, get to know him before you tell him you like him. Chatting to him about regular stuff like the weather is a good way to build rapport, before you ask him out.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 PM on October 30, 2008
If you still want to go ahead, get to know him before you tell him you like him. Chatting to him about regular stuff like the weather is a good way to build rapport, before you ask him out.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 PM on October 30, 2008
I'd suggest "Do you wanna get coffee some time?", but that might be a bit too stalkerish.
posted by mpls2 at 3:33 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by mpls2 at 3:33 PM on October 30, 2008
Best answer: Seconding Solomon, and adding that in chatting about regular stuff, ask him, "So where do you go to get a beer/glass of wine/coffee around here - I'm new to town." Ask him where he likes to hang out under the guise of finding out about your new area. Then go there.
posted by Punctual at 3:34 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
posted by Punctual at 3:34 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I used to work the night shift at a 24hour pertol station, and really enjoyed chatting to the regular customers who'd come in late at night...until one of them tried to sign me up to some Amway sponsored get rich-quick-scheme. Just chat to him and kinda get to know him. I used to catch up on my reading for uni while behind the counter. If he does the same ask him what he's reading?
Also, you say you're in a small town? It's only a matter of time before you see him somewhere else besides his work. Don't be surprised if he doesn't recognise you outside of the context of the grocery store though.
And finally, as he is the night clerk, there's a good chance he may in fact be a vampire. So be wary.
posted by robotot at 3:34 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Also, you say you're in a small town? It's only a matter of time before you see him somewhere else besides his work. Don't be surprised if he doesn't recognise you outside of the context of the grocery store though.
And finally, as he is the night clerk, there's a good chance he may in fact be a vampire. So be wary.
posted by robotot at 3:34 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Also, make sure there's no one in line behind you if you do this.
Otherwise, sit outside in your car until after the store closes, then hide behind one of the pillars near the door. When he comes outside to go home, jump out from behind the pillar and say, "HEY!" (Just kidding.)
posted by nitsuj at 3:36 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
Otherwise, sit outside in your car until after the store closes, then hide behind one of the pillars near the door. When he comes outside to go home, jump out from behind the pillar and say, "HEY!" (Just kidding.)
posted by nitsuj at 3:36 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
I had a crush on a guy who worked at the small Domino's pizza in my university cafeteria. I wrote my number on a small pizza box, handed to him, said "here's my number if you want to call me," and walked away (this was after paying for my pizza of course, and chatting with him occasionally over a period of a couple months). He called, and we had a great time hanging out after that. Maybe you could do something similar?
posted by All.star at 3:36 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by All.star at 3:36 PM on October 30, 2008
Tell him you are new, be direct, ask him out. Men like that.
DO NOT buy 10 boxes of condoms and wink suggestively.
posted by joelf at 3:41 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
DO NOT buy 10 boxes of condoms and wink suggestively.
posted by joelf at 3:41 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
It's a small town you say? Buy some baking supplies, mention that you're baking a pie (or cake) here and would he like to come by and try a piece.
Alternatively, find a woman who works in the store and ask her if he's available.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:00 PM on October 30, 2008
Alternatively, find a woman who works in the store and ask her if he's available.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:00 PM on October 30, 2008
Alternatively, find a woman who works in the store and ask her if he's available.
This is a very good idea, and a good way to avoid some potential embarrassment or uncomfortableness. As a newcomer, how about asking him about some upcoming town-wide event (Thanksgiving parades, Christmas pageants, and First Nights are all coming up) -- is it a cool thing, do people really go, where's the best seats, etc. Then you casually mention that you don't have anyone to go with, perhaps he'd like to come with you?
posted by Rock Steady at 4:26 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is a very good idea, and a good way to avoid some potential embarrassment or uncomfortableness. As a newcomer, how about asking him about some upcoming town-wide event (Thanksgiving parades, Christmas pageants, and First Nights are all coming up) -- is it a cool thing, do people really go, where's the best seats, etc. Then you casually mention that you don't have anyone to go with, perhaps he'd like to come with you?
posted by Rock Steady at 4:26 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Punctual has it right. Ask the dude where a good place is to chill, and finish with "Well, maybe I'll see you there?" Then see him there and offer to buy him a drink. Let the courtship tango ensue!
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:36 PM on October 30, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:36 PM on October 30, 2008 [3 favorites]
Asking some guy you don't know over to your house to eat pie would be a little weird, no?
Um... yeah. Also, don't ask some random girl at the store if he's single unless you're looking for her to blow your cover -- places like that, gossip is gold!
I like turgid dahlia's advice. It's grown-up and forward without being creepy.
posted by amanda at 4:40 PM on October 30, 2008
Um... yeah. Also, don't ask some random girl at the store if he's single unless you're looking for her to blow your cover -- places like that, gossip is gold!
I like turgid dahlia's advice. It's grown-up and forward without being creepy.
posted by amanda at 4:40 PM on October 30, 2008
I can definitely understand some of your concerns about a small town... I've lived in towns of all size ranges. How big are we talking about? 500 might be an issue... 5000 not so much. And whether it's an exurb of another city will make a big difference, too.
Seconding being up front and ask him for coffee? Or whatever there is for fun in that town. I think you have to be somewhat direct, as I know that as I got older through my 20s I eventually learned to brush off a lot of stuff that I figured out was just fun non-serious flirting. If you're talking about a very small town <5000 you do have the stranger barrier to contend with, but I guess if you're a regular at the store or make your proposal as innocent as possible (the "new in town thing" or the cake thing BB mentions) it might work ok.
posted by crapmatic at 4:41 PM on October 30, 2008
Seconding being up front and ask him for coffee? Or whatever there is for fun in that town. I think you have to be somewhat direct, as I know that as I got older through my 20s I eventually learned to brush off a lot of stuff that I figured out was just fun non-serious flirting. If you're talking about a very small town <5000 you do have the stranger barrier to contend with, but I guess if you're a regular at the store or make your proposal as innocent as possible (the "new in town thing" or the cake thing BB mentions) it might work ok.
posted by crapmatic at 4:41 PM on October 30, 2008
I bet that if he's single, he will totally appreciate the forwardness! Thirding turgid dahlia's answer.
posted by rachaelfaith at 4:48 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by rachaelfaith at 4:48 PM on October 30, 2008
Next time you go in there, grab a pound of sugar and wait until there's no line. Walk up to him, smile warmly and greet him. "Hello!"
He'll reply in kind. "Hi."
Make small talk. "How's your evening?"
Again, he'll be nice "Good, yours?"
This is where the possibilities open up. If you're feeling bold you say "Would be better if I had someone to share it with. I was planning on having a bottle of wine and watching a cheesy comedy. Wanna join me?" or if you want to throw it out there that you're interested but hope he'll make a move you just say, "Good! Can I ask you something? *pause for okay* Are you single?"
And just leave it dangling. By this time the transaction's nearly complete so you can grab your one item and hurry out the door before he has a chance to get too interested in why you asked that but there's a good chance he'll ask why to which you reply "Just curious." or something equally non-committal.
Make sure you make plenty of eye-contact.
posted by MaxK at 5:01 PM on October 30, 2008
He'll reply in kind. "Hi."
Make small talk. "How's your evening?"
Again, he'll be nice "Good, yours?"
This is where the possibilities open up. If you're feeling bold you say "Would be better if I had someone to share it with. I was planning on having a bottle of wine and watching a cheesy comedy. Wanna join me?" or if you want to throw it out there that you're interested but hope he'll make a move you just say, "Good! Can I ask you something? *pause for okay* Are you single?"
And just leave it dangling. By this time the transaction's nearly complete so you can grab your one item and hurry out the door before he has a chance to get too interested in why you asked that but there's a good chance he'll ask why to which you reply "Just curious." or something equally non-committal.
Make sure you make plenty of eye-contact.
posted by MaxK at 5:01 PM on October 30, 2008
Try talking to him a little more, just to let him know who you are, and then offer him your number.
I always think of the eye contact as something very gay, but that might be because I so damn gay.
GOod luck. It all sounds very romantic.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:18 PM on October 30, 2008
I always think of the eye contact as something very gay, but that might be because I so damn gay.
GOod luck. It all sounds very romantic.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:18 PM on October 30, 2008
Slightly related story: The night clerk at a grocery store liked me. She made a point of talking to me, making eye contact and smiling and recognizing me when I was in line (I worked nights then, so regularly did shopping at night). She was particularly forward when handing me change, going so far at to gently grab my hand and place the money in it, smiling and making eye contact. Maybe there's something in there you could use.
But for small towns, pie and conversation on a porch fits.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2008
But for small towns, pie and conversation on a porch fits.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2008
Whatever you choose to do, you HAVE to update!! And do it soon, don't you need to run to the store for something?
posted by pearlybob at 5:58 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by pearlybob at 5:58 PM on October 30, 2008
Smile, repeat as needed
posted by caddis at 6:51 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by caddis at 6:51 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Write your name and number on a banana and leave it on the counter when you check out.
I kid, I kid. How about "Hi, I hope that this doesn't come across as strange, but would you like to have a drink sometime?"
friendly, direct, and not creepy. worst case scenario, he says something like "no, sorry, i have a girlfriend." and he feels flattered and you feel proud of yourself for having had the guts.
posted by emd3737 at 7:33 PM on October 30, 2008 [2 favorites]
I kid, I kid. How about "Hi, I hope that this doesn't come across as strange, but would you like to have a drink sometime?"
friendly, direct, and not creepy. worst case scenario, he says something like "no, sorry, i have a girlfriend." and he feels flattered and you feel proud of yourself for having had the guts.
posted by emd3737 at 7:33 PM on October 30, 2008 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A couple of decades working in customer service positions has persuaded me that it's unwise (and sometimes downright unkind) to corner someone who's being paid to be cordial to you. Though I'm usually forthright about asking men out, I don't do that when the man in question is professionally constrained from responding frankly. In that circumstance, I'll make friendly jokes or chat; I'll make an effort to be friendly; I'll flirt. But I refrain from making a direct request.
Despite my strong feelings, a few years ago I worked up my nerve and finally asked out the funny, shy, handsome guy at the video store.
We're now engaged to be married.
So... sometimes it works. What worked for me (for us!):
- I'd been a regular (and generally pleasant) customer for quite a long time. He recognized me and knew me well enough, for example, to make very specific recommendations of cult movies.
- I paid attention to his behavior around me. He responded positively to me, and often went out of his way to make chit-chat.
- I asked him for a casual meeting for a specific reason (to discuss a play we'd talked about), and phrased the request to give him an easy out if he wanted it.
- After our first not-quite-a-date, I made a point of telling him how great it was and how much I'd like to see him again, but that I wouldn't put him on the spot at work again; if he wanted to get together, all he had to do was ask. If he didn't, it would never come up again.
This hedging and caution is very different from my normal dating behavior, but I'd been asked out so many times by customers and I knew how uncomfortable it can be to turn them down. I wanted to continue to patronize the store without too much awkwardness for him --- or for me!
Though I'd had a crush on him for a long time, and though he tells me he would never have worked up the nerve to ask me out, I'm glad I waited as long as I did. If you're a new customer, it might be worth spending a few more weeks on chit-chat to get a sense of this fellow, his situation, and his feelings for you.
posted by Elsa at 7:44 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
Despite my strong feelings, a few years ago I worked up my nerve and finally asked out the funny, shy, handsome guy at the video store.
We're now engaged to be married.
So... sometimes it works. What worked for me (for us!):
- I'd been a regular (and generally pleasant) customer for quite a long time. He recognized me and knew me well enough, for example, to make very specific recommendations of cult movies.
- I paid attention to his behavior around me. He responded positively to me, and often went out of his way to make chit-chat.
- I asked him for a casual meeting for a specific reason (to discuss a play we'd talked about), and phrased the request to give him an easy out if he wanted it.
- After our first not-quite-a-date, I made a point of telling him how great it was and how much I'd like to see him again, but that I wouldn't put him on the spot at work again; if he wanted to get together, all he had to do was ask. If he didn't, it would never come up again.
This hedging and caution is very different from my normal dating behavior, but I'd been asked out so many times by customers and I knew how uncomfortable it can be to turn them down. I wanted to continue to patronize the store without too much awkwardness for him --- or for me!
Though I'd had a crush on him for a long time, and though he tells me he would never have worked up the nerve to ask me out, I'm glad I waited as long as I did. If you're a new customer, it might be worth spending a few more weeks on chit-chat to get a sense of this fellow, his situation, and his feelings for you.
posted by Elsa at 7:44 PM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]
Tell him you are new, be direct, ask him out. Men like that.
No we don't.
"How's your evening?" "Good, yours?" "Would be better if I had someone to share it with. I was planning on having a bottle of wine and watching a cheesy comedy. Wanna join me?"
This isn't Cinemax. It's a grocery store.
You have to throw him a line that isn't literally a line but something that he knows is a line. Sounds complicated but think about it.
posted by Zambrano at 7:59 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
No we don't.
"How's your evening?" "Good, yours?" "Would be better if I had someone to share it with. I was planning on having a bottle of wine and watching a cheesy comedy. Wanna join me?"
This isn't Cinemax. It's a grocery store.
You have to throw him a line that isn't literally a line but something that he knows is a line. Sounds complicated but think about it.
posted by Zambrano at 7:59 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'd have to say that saying something while he's at work would be a bad idea. If he's not interested, then you've put him in a very awkward position.
Oh boy! He'll answer the same way anyone would in this situation if he's not interested. Namely, "sorry, but I have a girlfriend." Seriously, back when I worked in a supermarket, I saw these sorts of interactions plenty. Even interacted in a few of them myself. It's no biggie.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:12 PM on October 30, 2008
Oh boy! He'll answer the same way anyone would in this situation if he's not interested. Namely, "sorry, but I have a girlfriend." Seriously, back when I worked in a supermarket, I saw these sorts of interactions plenty. Even interacted in a few of them myself. It's no biggie.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:12 PM on October 30, 2008
No we don't.
I dunno; I didn't think "we" had a universal opinion on the subject. I'd be flattered if I were grocery store guy, but that's just me.
posted by danb at 8:42 PM on October 30, 2008
I dunno; I didn't think "we" had a universal opinion on the subject. I'd be flattered if I were grocery store guy, but that's just me.
posted by danb at 8:42 PM on October 30, 2008
Is this the graveyard shift? If so, there should be ample time for you to simply start up a conversation. Try small talk when he's alone and no one else is around. If it doesn't work and your conversations go nowhere, then maybe he's not the right guy for you.
posted by zardoz at 8:56 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by zardoz at 8:56 PM on October 30, 2008
"No we don't."
Some would probably argue that "all men are different" blah blah blah... but I think its fair to say that most men (and women) prefer direct clear honest and open communication.
Dont be overly cute with embarrassingly overdone creativeness. (it could be potentially embarrassing for you as well as him.)
Dont try using cliche lines or double-meaning ploys to see how we react. (you're making things overly complex and sorting through layers of confused body language response is NOT an effective way to figure out if someone likes you)
turgid dahlia has the right response with "maybe I'll see you there". (I also like Punctuals advice, except for the "I'm new in town" part. ONLY use "I'm new in town" if you actually ARE new in town (within first month). If you are not "new in town" - dont lie about it.)
Even if they dont admit it (or know it themselves consciously) most people can tell almost immediately if you are being honest, genuine and sincere. If you are not, this is going to instinctively make them hesitant and "standoffish". All of my favorite memories of girls flirting with me are short direct honest comments like: "You're cute, we should hang out sometime." or "I like you, lets go have a drink" or "I'm staying here tonight." Sometimes saying very little is an effective way of saying quite a lot. ;)
posted by jmnugent at 4:25 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Some would probably argue that "all men are different" blah blah blah... but I think its fair to say that most men (and women) prefer direct clear honest and open communication.
Dont be overly cute with embarrassingly overdone creativeness. (it could be potentially embarrassing for you as well as him.)
Dont try using cliche lines or double-meaning ploys to see how we react. (you're making things overly complex and sorting through layers of confused body language response is NOT an effective way to figure out if someone likes you)
turgid dahlia has the right response with "maybe I'll see you there". (I also like Punctuals advice, except for the "I'm new in town" part. ONLY use "I'm new in town" if you actually ARE new in town (within first month). If you are not "new in town" - dont lie about it.)
Even if they dont admit it (or know it themselves consciously) most people can tell almost immediately if you are being honest, genuine and sincere. If you are not, this is going to instinctively make them hesitant and "standoffish". All of my favorite memories of girls flirting with me are short direct honest comments like: "You're cute, we should hang out sometime." or "I like you, lets go have a drink" or "I'm staying here tonight." Sometimes saying very little is an effective way of saying quite a lot. ;)
posted by jmnugent at 4:25 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your wonderful answers! While I'd love to take the direct approach, I'm very shy,and I also agree with those who pointed out that being too direct while he's at work puts him in an awkward position.
I'm not sure if this is the graveyard shift or not, zardoz. I usually stop by between 6:15 and 6:30, on my way to work, and I know from a previous conversation he gets off work at 7. But the situation doesn't seem very open to hanging out and chatting, as some suggested. There are usually several employees wandering around, and they all (including him) seem to be stocking shelves until a customer approaches the till, so I can't even wait until I'm sure he'll be the one to ring me up.
This morning I had planned to take Punctual's advice and ask for recommendations, but I only got as far as finding out he doesn't live in my town. Still, I think he's got a clue now that I'm into him and he didn't seem put off by it, so next time I see him I'll try asking what people do for fun in his town (it's only ten miles away.)
Thanks to all in general, and thanks emd3737 for saying "... and you feel proud of yourself for having had the guts." That really hit home with me.
posted by ruemonkey at 7:50 AM on October 31, 2008
I'm not sure if this is the graveyard shift or not, zardoz. I usually stop by between 6:15 and 6:30, on my way to work, and I know from a previous conversation he gets off work at 7. But the situation doesn't seem very open to hanging out and chatting, as some suggested. There are usually several employees wandering around, and they all (including him) seem to be stocking shelves until a customer approaches the till, so I can't even wait until I'm sure he'll be the one to ring me up.
This morning I had planned to take Punctual's advice and ask for recommendations, but I only got as far as finding out he doesn't live in my town. Still, I think he's got a clue now that I'm into him and he didn't seem put off by it, so next time I see him I'll try asking what people do for fun in his town (it's only ten miles away.)
Thanks to all in general, and thanks emd3737 for saying "... and you feel proud of yourself for having had the guts." That really hit home with me.
posted by ruemonkey at 7:50 AM on October 31, 2008
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posted by nitsuj at 3:28 PM on October 30, 2008