WTF does "Space" Mean?
August 31, 2008 7:52 PM Subscribe
Relationship Filter: My boyfriend needs "space". Now what?
I'm in my early twenties, my boyfriend is in his late twenties. He is my first boyfriend, but he has much more dating experience and was married for a few years, then divorced.
We've been dating for four months. Almost a month ago, I moved about 2 hours away from him for my new job. He's still in the town where we met, finishing his degree. We see each other almost every weekend.
Our relationship, so far, has been amazing. We care for each other deeply and support each other. We've been casually discussing long term plans. On Monday, he sent me a text saying that I was a good fit for him and that he wanted me to stay in his life.
On Friday, I get a whole slew of back-dated texts from him in a row; apparently, I hadn't been receiving texts from anyone since Wednesday. I text him quickly to tell him what happens. No response.
Friday night, I call and email him. No response.
Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook. I send him a 'WTF' text, he calls me.
Basically, he says that he needs "space". He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default. I personally think we have enough space: we only see each other on the weekends, we're separated by 200+ miles, we only talk about 1/2 hour a day.
He said that he's realized that I'm "too busy" for him (I have a full time job, and two part-time jobs, but I pick my schedule for my part-time jobs and I've significantly reduced my weekend hours to make time for him). I guess he thought that I was too busy to return his texts. I explained what happened, but the issue seemed to be deeper than that.
I understand that he's afraid of making the same mistake that he did with his ex-wife (namely, marrying her in the first place), but I just don't know what to do. Do I just sit and wait for him? Do I date other people? (I really don't want to. The reason he's my first boyfriend is because I'm very jaded about relationships; before I met him, I had tried and failed so many times that I'd given up, but he won my heart.)
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one. I think that's bullshit. We've been crazy about each other since we first met. We've worked through each of our issues and have come out stronger.
I want to give him his space because I want him to be sure about our relationship, but I also want to let him know that I'm willing to fight for him, without being a creepy, clingy ex.
So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him?
(Self-disclosure: I had a good cry, a good talk, and a good bottle of wine with a friend after all this happened today. I'm still feeling the effects of the wine, so I apologize for any semantic chaos or grammatical disarray.)
I'm in my early twenties, my boyfriend is in his late twenties. He is my first boyfriend, but he has much more dating experience and was married for a few years, then divorced.
We've been dating for four months. Almost a month ago, I moved about 2 hours away from him for my new job. He's still in the town where we met, finishing his degree. We see each other almost every weekend.
Our relationship, so far, has been amazing. We care for each other deeply and support each other. We've been casually discussing long term plans. On Monday, he sent me a text saying that I was a good fit for him and that he wanted me to stay in his life.
On Friday, I get a whole slew of back-dated texts from him in a row; apparently, I hadn't been receiving texts from anyone since Wednesday. I text him quickly to tell him what happens. No response.
Friday night, I call and email him. No response.
Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook. I send him a 'WTF' text, he calls me.
Basically, he says that he needs "space". He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default. I personally think we have enough space: we only see each other on the weekends, we're separated by 200+ miles, we only talk about 1/2 hour a day.
He said that he's realized that I'm "too busy" for him (I have a full time job, and two part-time jobs, but I pick my schedule for my part-time jobs and I've significantly reduced my weekend hours to make time for him). I guess he thought that I was too busy to return his texts. I explained what happened, but the issue seemed to be deeper than that.
I understand that he's afraid of making the same mistake that he did with his ex-wife (namely, marrying her in the first place), but I just don't know what to do. Do I just sit and wait for him? Do I date other people? (I really don't want to. The reason he's my first boyfriend is because I'm very jaded about relationships; before I met him, I had tried and failed so many times that I'd given up, but he won my heart.)
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one. I think that's bullshit. We've been crazy about each other since we first met. We've worked through each of our issues and have come out stronger.
I want to give him his space because I want him to be sure about our relationship, but I also want to let him know that I'm willing to fight for him, without being a creepy, clingy ex.
So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him?
(Self-disclosure: I had a good cry, a good talk, and a good bottle of wine with a friend after all this happened today. I'm still feeling the effects of the wine, so I apologize for any semantic chaos or grammatical disarray.)
Relationship Filter: My boyfriend needs "space". Now what?
Give him space. But do it in an intelligent way: explain to him that adults don't reason through their problems by fucking other people. It's completely normal to want to spend time away from your SO, especially to get some perspective on things, but that too often becomes an excuse to engage in bad or inconsiderated behavior while dodging accountability (read: "It's not cheating because we were on a break"). If he really needs a few days or a week to get his head on straight, fine. If he's actually feeding you a line in order to keep you on the hook while he sees other women, then you're wasting your time with him.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:02 PM on August 31, 2008 [6 favorites]
Give him space. But do it in an intelligent way: explain to him that adults don't reason through their problems by fucking other people. It's completely normal to want to spend time away from your SO, especially to get some perspective on things, but that too often becomes an excuse to engage in bad or inconsiderated behavior while dodging accountability (read: "It's not cheating because we were on a break"). If he really needs a few days or a week to get his head on straight, fine. If he's actually feeding you a line in order to keep you on the hook while he sees other women, then you're wasting your time with him.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:02 PM on August 31, 2008 [6 favorites]
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one. [...] how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him?
He broke up with you on facebook so that he could start sleeping around. You're only the girl for him if you think you don't deserve any better.
Since this is your first serious relationship, it may seem hard to imagine, but there are other men out there -- men who are capable of treating you with more dignity than this when faced with a conflict in the relationship.
The guy wants space? Let him have it. But before you do, contact him one final time to thank him for showing you exactly who he is this early on.
posted by scody at 8:05 PM on August 31, 2008 [17 favorites]
He broke up with you on facebook so that he could start sleeping around. You're only the girl for him if you think you don't deserve any better.
Since this is your first serious relationship, it may seem hard to imagine, but there are other men out there -- men who are capable of treating you with more dignity than this when faced with a conflict in the relationship.
The guy wants space? Let him have it. But before you do, contact him one final time to thank him for showing you exactly who he is this early on.
posted by scody at 8:05 PM on August 31, 2008 [17 favorites]
So for the past month, you've lived two hours apart and only see each other on weekends...and he still "needs space"?
Time to move on.
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:06 PM on August 31, 2008 [9 favorites]
Time to move on.
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:06 PM on August 31, 2008 [9 favorites]
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one.Off topic: I can't see how the experiment relates to the hypothesis.
On topic: Support his decision to take a break by telling him to keep in touch. You can then judge his commitment to *your* relationship by how much he's willing to let you know about the dating he does to prove that commitment.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:09 PM on August 31, 2008
Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook...I understand that he's afraid of making the same mistake that he did with his ex-wife
Anyone old enough to be divorced should be wise enough to know that breaking up with someone via facebook is horribly immature and cowardly.
I'm willing to fight for him,
Why exactly? There's nothing there work fighting to keep.
I think that's bullshit.
Indeed and agreed.
DTMFA.
posted by 26.2 at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
Anyone old enough to be divorced should be wise enough to know that breaking up with someone via facebook is horribly immature and cowardly.
I'm willing to fight for him,
Why exactly? There's nothing there work fighting to keep.
I think that's bullshit.
Indeed and agreed.
DTMFA.
posted by 26.2 at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
Sorry, he's a creep. He's stringing you along while he sees other people. Time to kick his sorry, manipulative, cheating ass out to the curb.
posted by jenkinsEar at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by jenkinsEar at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008
You found out he broke up with you over Facebook?! WTF? Is he in junior high?! You should dump him.
posted by All.star at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008 [13 favorites]
posted by All.star at 8:10 PM on August 31, 2008 [13 favorites]
He said that he's realized that I'm "too busy" for him
Bah! He's trying to put the breakup on you the gutless wimp.
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one.
What a load of shit- The way people make sure they are with the "one" isn't done by sleeping around- it's done by getting to know them.
He's doing you a favour- imagine spending your life with someone who breaks off a relationship via a social networking site.
He's a creep.
posted by mattoxic at 8:12 PM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
Bah! He's trying to put the breakup on you the gutless wimp.
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one.
What a load of shit- The way people make sure they are with the "one" isn't done by sleeping around- it's done by getting to know them.
He's doing you a favour- imagine spending your life with someone who breaks off a relationship via a social networking site.
He's a creep.
posted by mattoxic at 8:12 PM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
I stopped reading after "broke up via facebook."
He is a huge douchebag. Destroy anything you have of his, creatively if it will make you feel better, than never ever talk to him again. Sorry this happened to you, people suck sometimes.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:12 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
He is a huge douchebag. Destroy anything you have of his, creatively if it will make you feel better, than never ever talk to him again. Sorry this happened to you, people suck sometimes.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:12 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
There's entirely too much communications technology and not enough actual communication involved here. You can have a raging load of drama over a hitch in your cell provider's SMS network, but you can't just call the guy, nor he you? You find out about your relationship status on Facebook and not face-to-face?
There may be a reason this guy is divorced, and it might not be entirely due to the ex-wife's horribleness. Think about it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [7 favorites]
There may be a reason this guy is divorced, and it might not be entirely due to the ex-wife's horribleness. Think about it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [7 favorites]
I'm with Inspector Gadget here. Given the circumstances you describe it sounds like he has convinced himself (before you were able to respond to the backlogged texts) that you were too busy for him. As a result, part of his description of space will involve him looking, probably dating -- and possibly even sleeping with -- other women and seeing if they are more suitable to his ideals, whatever they may be.
Shame on the person that uses social applications to deal with intimate communication. Breaking up with someone via Facebook is totally lame.
That said, long distance relationships are always tricky, and this "needing space" doesn't sound entirely accurate. The statement itself is a total cliche, and to me means there may be difficulty in his ability to communicate honestly.
How can you be able to hold your trust in him to come back eventually if you wait long enough? It may be best to simply let go for the time being. Give him a week at least, but if/when you do contact him, maybe it would be best to simply be clear in how much you care about him, the good the relationship did for both of you, and see what he has to say in response.
On preview: looks like i'm not alone in seeing the shame in using facebook for breakups. Lets hope that never becomes "the norm".
posted by phylum sinter at 8:20 PM on August 31, 2008
Shame on the person that uses social applications to deal with intimate communication. Breaking up with someone via Facebook is totally lame.
That said, long distance relationships are always tricky, and this "needing space" doesn't sound entirely accurate. The statement itself is a total cliche, and to me means there may be difficulty in his ability to communicate honestly.
How can you be able to hold your trust in him to come back eventually if you wait long enough? It may be best to simply let go for the time being. Give him a week at least, but if/when you do contact him, maybe it would be best to simply be clear in how much you care about him, the good the relationship did for both of you, and see what he has to say in response.
On preview: looks like i'm not alone in seeing the shame in using facebook for breakups. Lets hope that never becomes "the norm".
posted by phylum sinter at 8:20 PM on August 31, 2008
You deserve better. He got himself in too deep and then freaked out, and now he's trying to find ways to blame you. Walk away, as hard as that is. There's much better out there for you. Facebook breakup? Epic fail.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:21 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Hildegarde at 8:21 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
In every case I've ever seen/experienced, "Give me space" means "I'd rather not see you any more". I've used the phrase and had it used on me. I've seen my friends use it and have seen it used on them. It's the end of a relationship, not a relationship-building exercise.
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:22 PM on August 31, 2008 [11 favorites]
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:22 PM on August 31, 2008 [11 favorites]
I don't know if I'd be willing to fight for a guy that broke up with you on Facebook and is feeling suffocated after only four months and seeing one another on weekends only. It doesn't sound like he needs space. It sounds like he wants to sleep with other people and he doesn't want you in his life.
Raise your standards of how you're willing to be treated. Don't fight for losers. I would try to forget about this guy. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:24 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
Raise your standards of how you're willing to be treated. Don't fight for losers. I would try to forget about this guy. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:24 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
Seconding (or thirding) DTMFA advice.
He wants more space, but is also pouting because he thought you were ignoring him during the week? He's still using the phrase "the one" on you, after a marriage and divorce? He's your first boyfriend? And he knows this?
I guess I shouldn't say you need more boyfriends to know what a load of hooey this is. But I definitely think you don't need this boyfriend.
posted by pzarquon at 8:37 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
He wants more space, but is also pouting because he thought you were ignoring him during the week? He's still using the phrase "the one" on you, after a marriage and divorce? He's your first boyfriend? And he knows this?
I guess I shouldn't say you need more boyfriends to know what a load of hooey this is. But I definitely think you don't need this boyfriend.
posted by pzarquon at 8:37 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook.
Perhaps it's time to go out with an adult?
posted by pompomtom at 8:46 PM on August 31, 2008 [5 favorites]
Perhaps it's time to go out with an adult?
posted by pompomtom at 8:46 PM on August 31, 2008 [5 favorites]
He's playing games and expects to get away with it because you don't know better, with him being your first boyfriend and all.
His excuses are b.s. He wants to see other people. Let him go, ignore him in the future, and take comfort in the fact that not everyone is like him.
posted by Happydaz at 8:48 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
His excuses are b.s. He wants to see other people. Let him go, ignore him in the future, and take comfort in the fact that not everyone is like him.
posted by Happydaz at 8:48 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Here's what he ought to have said:
"Look, I figure I'm going to fuck other girls for a bit, because, y'know, whatever. But you have to remain pristine for me and wait in the wings while I spread my seed around. If you don't remain pristine I'll totally know you don't even like me."
Ditch this jerk. "I need space" is a coward's line.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:49 PM on August 31, 2008
"Look, I figure I'm going to fuck other girls for a bit, because, y'know, whatever. But you have to remain pristine for me and wait in the wings while I spread my seed around. If you don't remain pristine I'll totally know you don't even like me."
Ditch this jerk. "I need space" is a coward's line.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:49 PM on August 31, 2008
I think what he meant was "I need MySpace".
He'd be more suited to the maturity level there.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:55 PM on August 31, 2008 [21 favorites]
He'd be more suited to the maturity level there.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:55 PM on August 31, 2008 [21 favorites]
Let's review:
Monday, he said he wants you in his life. Sometime later that week, he changed his mind, but doesn't respect you and your feelings enough to tell you. On Friday he ignored your texts, email and phone calls. On Sunday, you find out he broke up with you on Facebook. When he finally decides to call you back, he then blames you for being too busy for him and that living 2 hours away and only seeing each other on the weekend is just too intimate and he needs to fuck other people in order to be sure he only wants to fuck you.
Drop kick his lame ass to curb pronto and tell him to enjoy his space and don't look back. He doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you, so stop wasting time on him. Seriously, he broke up with you on Facebook. That sort of behavior is insulting to high school drama relationships.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [5 favorites]
Monday, he said he wants you in his life. Sometime later that week, he changed his mind, but doesn't respect you and your feelings enough to tell you. On Friday he ignored your texts, email and phone calls. On Sunday, you find out he broke up with you on Facebook. When he finally decides to call you back, he then blames you for being too busy for him and that living 2 hours away and only seeing each other on the weekend is just too intimate and he needs to fuck other people in order to be sure he only wants to fuck you.
Drop kick his lame ass to curb pronto and tell him to enjoy his space and don't look back. He doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you, so stop wasting time on him. Seriously, he broke up with you on Facebook. That sort of behavior is insulting to high school drama relationships.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [5 favorites]
How did you respond to his lovey commitment text?
I think you have to communicate IN PERSON to find out the answers to your questions.
It is quite possible he got very freaked out by your "non-response" for days and all his defenses are up. In the future, do not rely on text to keep a relationship alive. If that's all you've got, you are too bust after all. But only then do you deserve a FB breakup. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Disclaimer: I hate FB and feel it causes people to revert to 6th grade behavior, such as occured above.
posted by Riverine at 9:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think you have to communicate IN PERSON to find out the answers to your questions.
It is quite possible he got very freaked out by your "non-response" for days and all his defenses are up. In the future, do not rely on text to keep a relationship alive. If that's all you've got, you are too bust after all. But only then do you deserve a FB breakup. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Disclaimer: I hate FB and feel it causes people to revert to 6th grade behavior, such as occured above.
posted by Riverine at 9:15 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
You know, sometimes my girlfriend sends me a text and I don't get it for hours. If it's sort of time-sensitive ("Do we need coffee?") or even if it's not ("Going for drinks after work") and I don't reply, she...well, she calls me. She doesn't decide that I've gotten too busy to text back, and she doesn't get all passive-aggressive and break up with me VIA FACEBOOK for cryin' out loud. She assumes that the text is floating around in the ether somewhere, and responds in an adult way.
You deserve better, and it ain't him. Give him all the space he wants and then some. Good luck.
posted by rtha at 9:19 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
You deserve better, and it ain't him. Give him all the space he wants and then some. Good luck.
posted by rtha at 9:19 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him?
Unfortunately, dear, you just got dumped. You are no longer the girl for him. That's why he dumped you. So there should be no more "him" in your brain. Now it's time for You. What do you want out of life (and if you need help, here's a suggestion: a man who can make time for you more than once a week and not think that's too much)? What do you need to do to keep this toxic man out of your brain and out of your phone call log? It's all you now, girl. You go for it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:23 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
Unfortunately, dear, you just got dumped. You are no longer the girl for him. That's why he dumped you. So there should be no more "him" in your brain. Now it's time for You. What do you want out of life (and if you need help, here's a suggestion: a man who can make time for you more than once a week and not think that's too much)? What do you need to do to keep this toxic man out of your brain and out of your phone call log? It's all you now, girl. You go for it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:23 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
nthing all the above advice... Dumping you via Facebook is completely cowardly and someone his age ought to be above that. Furthermore, he says that you're too busy for him... but he wants his space? That's completely contradictory; he wants to spend more time with you but he wants to spend less time with you? And he wants space when you guys have shloads of it already? If he wants space when you live 200 miles apart and barely communicate, he will never have enough space.
It sounds like bullshit anyway.
Side speculation: I bet his ex had issues with his being completely immature. No matter what horror stories he might have told you about her, and acknowledging the probability that she probably did things wrong too, being married to someone like that would make a lot of otherwise nice people do crazy things. I only mention this because you seem to be dismissive of her, which is to be expected, but trying to understand things from other people's perspective can be enlightening. It's rare that only one person's actions are the reason for divorce.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this guy as your first boyfriend. Be thankful you're only four months in, and that you'll have learned a few more things to look out for.
posted by Nattie at 9:26 PM on August 31, 2008
It sounds like bullshit anyway.
Side speculation: I bet his ex had issues with his being completely immature. No matter what horror stories he might have told you about her, and acknowledging the probability that she probably did things wrong too, being married to someone like that would make a lot of otherwise nice people do crazy things. I only mention this because you seem to be dismissive of her, which is to be expected, but trying to understand things from other people's perspective can be enlightening. It's rare that only one person's actions are the reason for divorce.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this guy as your first boyfriend. Be thankful you're only four months in, and that you'll have learned a few more things to look out for.
posted by Nattie at 9:26 PM on August 31, 2008
Best answer: Okay, here's my thought... and I could be totally wrong but I'm gonna just give it a shot.
He texted you and you didn't get it for days, right? So, he might be insecure or a bit worried that he likes you more than you like him. Maybe when you didn't get back to him, his emotions kinda went haywire. He figured you didn't care about him enough to respond and he doesn't want to get hurt. After all, he's already been divorced and that really does mess with a man's ego more than you probably realize. Sooo, maybe he went into a bit of an emotional funk when he thought you didn't care, and he decided that he wants to dump you before he gets dumped. Distance himself before you have a chance. Hurt you before he gets hurt. You get the idea... it's a common defense mechanism.
Could just be he's running away because he's scared. Maybe he doesn't feel secure in the relationship yet and needs reassurance. Maybe he isn't as sure about your feelings for him as you might think he is.
Just a thought.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:27 PM on August 31, 2008
He texted you and you didn't get it for days, right? So, he might be insecure or a bit worried that he likes you more than you like him. Maybe when you didn't get back to him, his emotions kinda went haywire. He figured you didn't care about him enough to respond and he doesn't want to get hurt. After all, he's already been divorced and that really does mess with a man's ego more than you probably realize. Sooo, maybe he went into a bit of an emotional funk when he thought you didn't care, and he decided that he wants to dump you before he gets dumped. Distance himself before you have a chance. Hurt you before he gets hurt. You get the idea... it's a common defense mechanism.
Could just be he's running away because he's scared. Maybe he doesn't feel secure in the relationship yet and needs reassurance. Maybe he isn't as sure about your feelings for him as you might think he is.
Just a thought.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:27 PM on August 31, 2008
All of that said, yeah, dumping via facebook does sound pretty lame. But I'm old so what do I know about these young kids today and their wacky social interwebs.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:29 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by miss lynnster at 9:29 PM on August 31, 2008
You know what to do. Do it.
Ambiguous, but wise.
posted by Rafaelloello at 9:40 PM on August 31, 2008
Ambiguous, but wise.
posted by Rafaelloello at 9:40 PM on August 31, 2008
I want to give him his space because I want him to be sure about our relationship, but I also want to let him know that I'm willing to fight for him, without being a creepy, clingy ex.
No.
You give him space, and then you move on with your life. He's trying (poorly) to let you down easily. As you say, there is plenty of space. He's doing what he *thinks* will hurt you the least. He doesn't realize that what he's actually doing is giving you that little tiny inkling of hope that you'll get back together.
In future dating exercises remember, the question is not "Am I the girl for him?" The question is "Is this the man for ME?" The man for you, as noted so many times already, does not break up with you via FaceBook.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:41 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
No.
You give him space, and then you move on with your life. He's trying (poorly) to let you down easily. As you say, there is plenty of space. He's doing what he *thinks* will hurt you the least. He doesn't realize that what he's actually doing is giving you that little tiny inkling of hope that you'll get back together.
In future dating exercises remember, the question is not "Am I the girl for him?" The question is "Is this the man for ME?" The man for you, as noted so many times already, does not break up with you via FaceBook.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:41 PM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
Could just be he's running away because he's scared
That still comes to the same answer, though: if a guy breaks up with you via Facebook because he's scared of how unhappy he got when you didn't return his text messages for a couple of days, he's not ready to be a grownup in a relationship.
Whether he broke up with you via Facebook because he's an asshole, or because he's a complex delicate flower who's too fragile for this fast-paced world, or because aliens are beaming confusing signals into his brain, or because he needs more time to prepare for the Eurovision song contest...the "why" doesn't really matter. He's not ready to be a grownup in a relationship with you.
So move on with your life. Don't take a "break" and don't make any commitments to him about getting together whenever, and don't expect to hear from him. If he somehow manages to grow some gonads and wants another shot at things with you, see where you are by then. (My hope is that where you'll be is with someone who's less of a baby.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:09 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
That still comes to the same answer, though: if a guy breaks up with you via Facebook because he's scared of how unhappy he got when you didn't return his text messages for a couple of days, he's not ready to be a grownup in a relationship.
Whether he broke up with you via Facebook because he's an asshole, or because he's a complex delicate flower who's too fragile for this fast-paced world, or because aliens are beaming confusing signals into his brain, or because he needs more time to prepare for the Eurovision song contest...the "why" doesn't really matter. He's not ready to be a grownup in a relationship with you.
So move on with your life. Don't take a "break" and don't make any commitments to him about getting together whenever, and don't expect to hear from him. If he somehow manages to grow some gonads and wants another shot at things with you, see where you are by then. (My hope is that where you'll be is with someone who's less of a baby.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:09 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
Even to me, from the overly dramatic dyke world - this is total BS. Tell him his behavior has ensured that he's not *the one* for you. Wish him the best and move right on.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:12 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by FlamingBore at 10:12 PM on August 31, 2008
Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook.
That is astonishingly pathetic. What a little boy he is.
Basically, he says that he needs "space".
Translation: He needs to explore the space between other women's legs.
He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default.
Translation: He is looking for something better, and if he fails to find something better, he may come back to you just so he can have someone to have sex with. (Because, based on what you are saying, that's all you are to him --- someone to sleep with --- since obviously there is no deep connection of hearts when he needs even more space from you when you're already 200 miles apart.
I personally think we have enough space: we only see each other on the weekends, we're separated by 200+ miles, we only talk about 1/2 hour a day.
He wants to be rid of you. You ought to happily oblige, since he sounds like a worthless, cowardly piece of shit.
posted by jayder at 10:17 PM on August 31, 2008
That is astonishingly pathetic. What a little boy he is.
Basically, he says that he needs "space".
Translation: He needs to explore the space between other women's legs.
He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default.
Translation: He is looking for something better, and if he fails to find something better, he may come back to you just so he can have someone to have sex with. (Because, based on what you are saying, that's all you are to him --- someone to sleep with --- since obviously there is no deep connection of hearts when he needs even more space from you when you're already 200 miles apart.
I personally think we have enough space: we only see each other on the weekends, we're separated by 200+ miles, we only talk about 1/2 hour a day.
He wants to be rid of you. You ought to happily oblige, since he sounds like a worthless, cowardly piece of shit.
posted by jayder at 10:17 PM on August 31, 2008
Best answer: These threads can get awful harsh. People call the guy you still really care for all sorts of nasty names (see above), and you think "These people don't know me, him, or the meaning we've found together. We can work through this, I wanted help with that, why are people so nasty?"
I acknowledge that you had a good time together, and you really felt something for the guy. I'm sure he felt something for you too. But times have changed, and you've moved away, for a perfectly valid reason. Long distance relationships can definitely work, but they can also fail.
For whatever reason, he's not liking the long distance relationship, i.e. not being able to see you more often. There's no possible reason he actually wants more space. "He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default." I'm afraid this does mean that you've definitely just been dumped. He's just trying to let you down gently, albeit in a way that is rather cruel because it leaves you hanging on in hope. I'm not touching the facebook thing.
Remember the time you had together fondly, chalk it up to experience, and find another guy who rocks your world. Early 20's? Plenty of time, plenty of good men to find.
posted by ArkhanJG at 10:49 PM on August 31, 2008
I acknowledge that you had a good time together, and you really felt something for the guy. I'm sure he felt something for you too. But times have changed, and you've moved away, for a perfectly valid reason. Long distance relationships can definitely work, but they can also fail.
For whatever reason, he's not liking the long distance relationship, i.e. not being able to see you more often. There's no possible reason he actually wants more space. "He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default." I'm afraid this does mean that you've definitely just been dumped. He's just trying to let you down gently, albeit in a way that is rather cruel because it leaves you hanging on in hope. I'm not touching the facebook thing.
Remember the time you had together fondly, chalk it up to experience, and find another guy who rocks your world. Early 20's? Plenty of time, plenty of good men to find.
posted by ArkhanJG at 10:49 PM on August 31, 2008
The thought just occurs to me that he may have deliberately left the door open after dumping you so that after he's spent time looking for another girlfriend closer to home, if he fails he's always got you to fall back on as a backup option. Assuming this is the case, and he does try to come back some time down the road, do you really want to know that he thought you were second best, and that he picked you only because he couldn't find someone better in the timeframe? Successful relationships are not built on such quicksand.
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:01 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:01 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Life is too short for this kind of crap. I know you like the guy and you thought things were going well, but the way he's treating you right now isn't okay. So even though you don't want to start dating other people, do it anyway, and soon I think you'll find someone who treats you in a way that's going to build you up and will become a strength in your life instead of a weight.
Being in a relationship with someone who loves you is hard enough - being in a relationship with someone who treats you badly just isn't worth it.
posted by eleyna at 11:03 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Being in a relationship with someone who loves you is hard enough - being in a relationship with someone who treats you badly just isn't worth it.
posted by eleyna at 11:03 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
The thought just occurs to me that he may have deliberately left the door open after dumping you so that after he's spent time looking for another girlfriend closer to home, if he fails he's always got you to fall back on as a backup option.
As someone with many more years of experience with shitheads than you have at this point...this is 1000% what's happening, I am quite certain.
posted by tristeza at 11:17 PM on August 31, 2008
As someone with many more years of experience with shitheads than you have at this point...this is 1000% what's happening, I am quite certain.
posted by tristeza at 11:17 PM on August 31, 2008
I think he sounds like no great loss, but you should also take the chance of being newly single to sort yourself out. You're in your early twenties and you've had one relationship yet you were already jaded about the idea? Maybe you pick the wrong guy regularly.
Give him his space: that means don't contact him, and don't expect to hear from him again or get back together. If you do hear from him, evaluate him as you would a new guy you met. And meanwhile, try and meet other guys. There are definitely people worth being in relationships with, even if you've never consciously met one yet.
posted by jacalata at 11:37 PM on August 31, 2008
Give him his space: that means don't contact him, and don't expect to hear from him again or get back together. If you do hear from him, evaluate him as you would a new guy you met. And meanwhile, try and meet other guys. There are definitely people worth being in relationships with, even if you've never consciously met one yet.
posted by jacalata at 11:37 PM on August 31, 2008
If you two did get back together, how often would you find yourself compulsively checking Facebook just to make sure you were still, well, in a relationship? Do you really want that?
posted by Houstonian at 11:37 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Houstonian at 11:37 PM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
Dumped, but... I'm flirting with an old friend who was recently divorced for the second time. I know now is not the time. Plenty of space, two timezones away. Maybe he is going WTF and needs some space and time.
Oh and google/facebook/SMS have been borked for many days now. Sometimes missed communication can be bad. (me network dude who notices these things). Give it a week, see if it's better or worse, then you know what to do.
(yes I have a google box and a facebook box and 2 of the root DNS servers at my work, yes things are "f***'d up") especially the distributed things.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:09 AM on September 1, 2008
Oh and google/facebook/SMS have been borked for many days now. Sometimes missed communication can be bad. (me network dude who notices these things). Give it a week, see if it's better or worse, then you know what to do.
(yes I have a google box and a facebook box and 2 of the root DNS servers at my work, yes things are "f***'d up") especially the distributed things.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:09 AM on September 1, 2008
Best answer: Oh, wow. I also had a guy dump me a month ago and I'm thinking his own past divorce had a lot to do with it. My ex behaved a lot more admirably, and we were seeing each other a lot longer, but he still got a little spooked and broke things off, and I realized in retrospect that he may still have some issues over the divorce that he hasn't recovered from yet.
And -- if that's the case here too, and your boyfriend is still not completely over his divorce, then he is not going to really be the best possible partner for ANYBODY. My ex had the presence of mind to realize that you can't really love someone else if you don't love yourself, and if you're someone whose ego is still bruised from the past, you simply have to get over that first. Not everyone tries to do that, though, or even realizes they need to.
So it sounds like your boyfriend maybe has some scars from the past that he hasn't finished confronting and taking care of yet, and until he does, he's not really going to be in the right place for a permanent relationship anyway. Whether he KNOWS he needs to do this, though, is a different matter, and one you can't control.
Either way, it doesn't sound like he's in a good headspace to be a good partner for you right now, so I think this is the end of it now. Maybe a few years down the road if he gets his head sorted out, and you run into each other again and there are still sparks and the bond is still strong you can start over and see what happens then, but right now, I don't think this is the right situation for you.
Which sucks, and I know that -- BELIEVE me, I know that -- but nothing you did or didn't do could have affected things, this is all stuff going on with him. It's sad, it sucks, but it is out of your hands.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:05 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
And -- if that's the case here too, and your boyfriend is still not completely over his divorce, then he is not going to really be the best possible partner for ANYBODY. My ex had the presence of mind to realize that you can't really love someone else if you don't love yourself, and if you're someone whose ego is still bruised from the past, you simply have to get over that first. Not everyone tries to do that, though, or even realizes they need to.
So it sounds like your boyfriend maybe has some scars from the past that he hasn't finished confronting and taking care of yet, and until he does, he's not really going to be in the right place for a permanent relationship anyway. Whether he KNOWS he needs to do this, though, is a different matter, and one you can't control.
Either way, it doesn't sound like he's in a good headspace to be a good partner for you right now, so I think this is the end of it now. Maybe a few years down the road if he gets his head sorted out, and you run into each other again and there are still sparks and the bond is still strong you can start over and see what happens then, but right now, I don't think this is the right situation for you.
Which sucks, and I know that -- BELIEVE me, I know that -- but nothing you did or didn't do could have affected things, this is all stuff going on with him. It's sad, it sucks, but it is out of your hands.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:05 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Wow, so many people bashing Facebook for the form of communication.... I don't like getting a 'Dear John' letter by e-mail, but for some people, e-mail = Facebook. In other words, don't bash Facebook because it's a social networking site - in this case, it's rather the same as e-mail. It's still a little cowardly though...
This is your first serious relationship / first guy that's shown serious interest in you, and you may well have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like... THIS is NOT normal... There are plenty of other guys out there that could easily be 'The One'. For right now, though, move on and have fun with guys. 'The One' is out there - but you'll usually find each other when you least expect it. Good luck :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:59 AM on September 1, 2008
This is your first serious relationship / first guy that's shown serious interest in you, and you may well have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like... THIS is NOT normal... There are plenty of other guys out there that could easily be 'The One'. For right now, though, move on and have fun with guys. 'The One' is out there - but you'll usually find each other when you least expect it. Good luck :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:59 AM on September 1, 2008
He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one. I think that's bullshit. Oh it is, it is. This guy fed you a line about why he's breaking up with you because he thought it was easier for him and more palatable for you. The bottom line is that he's breaking up with you and it doesn't really matter why, because however you slice it you're single again and you need to redraw your life road map.
So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him? He has to be the one to decide whether you're the one for him. And it seems he's decided you're not. Let this go. Rid yourself of any ideas of "fighting" for him. I mean, think about that metaphor for a minute. Whom will you be fighting? Him?! That's not how relationships work. Any fighting that takes place has to be a united effort, and for common goals. I know you'd like to believe there's something you can do to save this relationship, but there isn't.
Do I just sit and wait for him? Please don't. Don't invest time in a man when he isn't investing equal time in you.
Do I date other people? You will need to eventually, but there's no need to rush into doing so. Take some time off. When I break up with somoene, I give myself time to just wallow and feel bad. I set a time limit that is decided by the length of the relationship. For a four-month relationship, two weeks might be appropriate. By the end of the time I'm usually starting to itch to do something more productive and am thinking about what I want to do next. For phase II of recovery time, I get into some new projects or endeavours, and go out with my friends. I don't set a time limit on that one. Phase III, that of starting to date new people, happens whenever I start to feel the urge. It's a good way to get yourself back on track because it's organic — you're really only doing what you feel like doing.
Being dumped sucks, I know. But the odds are that in time you will come to see it's for the best, because you wound up with something better.
posted by orange swan at 10:14 AM on September 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him? He has to be the one to decide whether you're the one for him. And it seems he's decided you're not. Let this go. Rid yourself of any ideas of "fighting" for him. I mean, think about that metaphor for a minute. Whom will you be fighting? Him?! That's not how relationships work. Any fighting that takes place has to be a united effort, and for common goals. I know you'd like to believe there's something you can do to save this relationship, but there isn't.
Do I just sit and wait for him? Please don't. Don't invest time in a man when he isn't investing equal time in you.
Do I date other people? You will need to eventually, but there's no need to rush into doing so. Take some time off. When I break up with somoene, I give myself time to just wallow and feel bad. I set a time limit that is decided by the length of the relationship. For a four-month relationship, two weeks might be appropriate. By the end of the time I'm usually starting to itch to do something more productive and am thinking about what I want to do next. For phase II of recovery time, I get into some new projects or endeavours, and go out with my friends. I don't set a time limit on that one. Phase III, that of starting to date new people, happens whenever I start to feel the urge. It's a good way to get yourself back on track because it's organic — you're really only doing what you feel like doing.
Being dumped sucks, I know. But the odds are that in time you will come to see it's for the best, because you wound up with something better.
posted by orange swan at 10:14 AM on September 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
He was mad (at the time) because "you didn't text him back". So he gets a pass for the facebook thing.
"Space" means seeing other people- which is what you both should do.
People who are hung up on "finding The One" are bores.
posted by Zambrano at 10:31 AM on September 1, 2008
"Space" means seeing other people- which is what you both should do.
People who are hung up on "finding The One" are bores.
posted by Zambrano at 10:31 AM on September 1, 2008
Wow, so many people bashing Facebook for the form of communication.... I don't like getting a 'Dear John' letter by e-mail, but for some people, e-mail = Facebook.
Hmm...I assumed that she saw that he had merely changed his "status" to "single" without further communication about it, which I now see was indeed a total assumption. I would think he was way less of a shithead if he actually sent her an FacebookMail, rather than just takced up a status change. (God, I'm old).
Either way, girl, please let this go for now and see what happens.....give him that space he so desperately craves.
posted by tristeza at 10:43 AM on September 1, 2008
Hmm...I assumed that she saw that he had merely changed his "status" to "single" without further communication about it, which I now see was indeed a total assumption. I would think he was way less of a shithead if he actually sent her an FacebookMail, rather than just takced up a status change. (God, I'm old).
Either way, girl, please let this go for now and see what happens.....give him that space he so desperately craves.
posted by tristeza at 10:43 AM on September 1, 2008
It seems like based upon the answers that you're favoriting, you're trying to find a way to rationalize/excuse his behaviour. However, the explanation is likely the most obvious one, and often this truth is the one we don't want to hear: he does not want to go out with you anymore.
It doesn't matter why. Don't email him, don't call him, don't text him. Not because you're giving him "space" but because you understand that your relationship is over, and it's time to move on. Good luck.
posted by emd3737 at 11:01 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
It doesn't matter why. Don't email him, don't call him, don't text him. Not because you're giving him "space" but because you understand that your relationship is over, and it's time to move on. Good luck.
posted by emd3737 at 11:01 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like he thinks a four-month relationship which just turned into a long-distance relationship is not worth the work, and you know, he might be right. It's okay for him to take a cold hard look at the circumstances of your relationship and decide that it just isn't worth the aggravation. Long-distance relationships are really difficult, even when both partners are completely committed and nobody is still getting over a divorce.
It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or that you aren't wonderful to be with. It just means he did the calculus.
In any case, almost nobody ends up with their first boyfriend. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it wasn't real. It just means that this was always going to be a practice swing, for you. This relationship is something for you to learn from, so when you really do meet "the one" you'll be ready.
Good luck moving on.
posted by joannemerriam at 11:34 AM on September 1, 2008
It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or that you aren't wonderful to be with. It just means he did the calculus.
In any case, almost nobody ends up with their first boyfriend. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it wasn't real. It just means that this was always going to be a practice swing, for you. This relationship is something for you to learn from, so when you really do meet "the one" you'll be ready.
Good luck moving on.
posted by joannemerriam at 11:34 AM on September 1, 2008
Response by poster: Just in case anyone cares, we got back together a week later. And last month (4 months later) he moved to my town so that we could be closer together.
Yay! The comments that I marked as 'best answers' were very accurate and helpful. Thank you!
posted by chara at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2009
Yay! The comments that I marked as 'best answers' were very accurate and helpful. Thank you!
posted by chara at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2009
Yay!
posted by miss lynnster at 7:02 AM on January 21, 2009
posted by miss lynnster at 7:02 AM on January 21, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
The other part of me wants to tell you to give him his space and forget about him. You've been dating for four months and he wants to take a break to see if you're "the one"? Sounds like a load of bull to me.
posted by DonSlice at 8:00 PM on August 31, 2008