Be my Q. Help me crash a party like James Bond.
March 30, 2006 6:39 AM Subscribe
A secret cabal of family members is having a rather big party this summer on the shores of Lake Huron. My mission: arrive in style a la James Bond. I've checked out their security, and although strong on three sides, they haven't guarded the lake. Fools. I would like to arrive via the lake. However, I'm having a tough time with what to wear. Preferably, I'd like to slip out of my wetsuit into a crisp, wrinkle free tuxedo.
Is this possible?
Why not drive up in a super sexy, powerful speedboat, wearing a slightly rumpled tuxedo with the tie undone and a bit of stubble -- like you just jaunted over from a much more fabulous party on the Riviera, to which you will return as soon as this tedious business is taken care of. Much easier than a wetsuit, and the noise of the speedboat should make quite an entrance.
posted by junkbox at 6:48 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by junkbox at 6:48 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'd like to slip out of my wetsuit into a crisp, wrinkle free tuxedo. Is this possible?
With a wetsuit? Probably not, since a wetsuit is designed to allow a little water inside (on preview, what biffa said). You might have a little more luck with a drysuit, although you'd still end up a bit sweaty and your tux wrinkled. You'll still get major points for the concept and execution - anyone who nitpicks you for being somewhat disheveled should be immediately tossed in said lake, sans [wet/dry]suit.
posted by hangashore at 6:50 AM on March 30, 2006
With a wetsuit? Probably not, since a wetsuit is designed to allow a little water inside (on preview, what biffa said). You might have a little more luck with a drysuit, although you'd still end up a bit sweaty and your tux wrinkled. You'll still get major points for the concept and execution - anyone who nitpicks you for being somewhat disheveled should be immediately tossed in said lake, sans [wet/dry]suit.
posted by hangashore at 6:50 AM on March 30, 2006
Point of terminology: I think what you're looking for is actually called a drysuit, not a wetsuit (a wetsuit is designed to keep a thin layer of water between suit and skin).
posted by staggernation at 6:50 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by staggernation at 6:50 AM on March 30, 2006
Please tell me that someone will be taking pictures of this.
Instead of swimming, couldn't you come in by boat? A fancy schmantzy sexy boat that you could rent? You could get off of the boat already wearing the tux, already holding a martini, looking quite suave and debonair. And not out of breath ;)
If you do the wetsuit thing, definitely practice getting in and out of it a few times. You may have to have something custom made, unless you can find the suit worn by Alec Guiness in The Man in the White Suit. What I would do : go to a fabric store and explain what you want to do, and ask to see the most wrinkle resistant fabrics that they have. Buy the smallest yardage allowed of several of them, and then take them home and fold them, staple them, and mutilate them, and see which one fares the best. Then find a local tailor or person
On preview....what they said. Geez.
posted by iconomy at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2006
Instead of swimming, couldn't you come in by boat? A fancy schmantzy sexy boat that you could rent? You could get off of the boat already wearing the tux, already holding a martini, looking quite suave and debonair. And not out of breath ;)
If you do the wetsuit thing, definitely practice getting in and out of it a few times. You may have to have something custom made, unless you can find the suit worn by Alec Guiness in The Man in the White Suit. What I would do : go to a fabric store and explain what you want to do, and ask to see the most wrinkle resistant fabrics that they have. Buy the smallest yardage allowed of several of them, and then take them home and fold them, staple them, and mutilate them, and see which one fares the best. Then find a local tailor or person
On preview....what they said. Geez.
posted by iconomy at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2006
(finishing the cut off part) Then find a local tailor or person with sewing skills and have it made for you. James Bond would do no less.
posted by iconomy at 6:53 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by iconomy at 6:53 AM on March 30, 2006
Most cheap rental tuxedos are pretty poly which is reasonably wrinkle resistant. One with Lycra would be even better. James of course wears nothing but 100% wool tuxes. The problem will be that the water pressure will tend to really compress the dry suit against the tux and any folded parts will get pressed into a wrinkle. In the movies, James gets to remove an oversized dry suit or whatever that never went under water and was probably over his tux for only a few minutes. Was there really such a scene?
posted by caddis at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by caddis at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2006
Agree on the boat. The faster and sleeker the better. Yet, you have forgotten one thing. There are five sides to be guarded. Perhaps you should consider a vertical insertion a la 007. Parachuting in with a big flag chute in a tux? Rope ladder from a heliocopter? Of course these things could cause a bit of a mess on the ground.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:05 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:05 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Actually, six sides. Start digging a tunnel NOW.
posted by iconomy at 7:18 AM on March 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by iconomy at 7:18 AM on March 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
How about scoping out the location of the party days in advance, dig a hole in the ground big enough for you to sit comfortably for a few hours and crawl in with your tux. Pop out "of the ground" when you hear people showing up.
(I figured since people were talking about going in at all directions...)
posted by yellowbkpk at 7:19 AM on March 30, 2006
(I figured since people were talking about going in at all directions...)
posted by yellowbkpk at 7:19 AM on March 30, 2006
oooh, a tunnel. Probably a bit out of your price range however.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:19 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 7:19 AM on March 30, 2006
Jetskis or waverunners are always fun. Just remember to coast to a landing, or you'll tear up some of the insides sucking up silt and rocks. As long as you don't get too wild on it, you can remain remarkably dry on them. They're also fast, so you can zip up out of no where.
posted by Atreides at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by Atreides at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006
This is, hands-down, the question of the year. Flagged as double-secret super-KGB exploding-pen-awesome.
I have no experience with wet- or dry-suits. But as a backup you might consider arriving in full tuxedo on a jet-ski. Easier to pull off than arriving submerged (though not as cool). Easier to dock than a large powerboat.
posted by donpedro at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006
I have no experience with wet- or dry-suits. But as a backup you might consider arriving in full tuxedo on a jet-ski. Easier to pull off than arriving submerged (though not as cool). Easier to dock than a large powerboat.
posted by donpedro at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006
Have you considered the possibility of a Segway?
posted by cloeburner at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by cloeburner at 7:26 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Any way the stunt can be rigged so that your changing room contains the tuxedo hidden away? Or swim up with a waterproof bag containing the tuxedo? You'll lose a few points for not being able to peel away the drysuit to reveal the tux in full view but it'd still be impressive, no less.
posted by junesix at 7:30 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by junesix at 7:30 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
I like the helicopter idea. Better still if you come down the drop line with a cigarette in your mouth.
Have you considered the possibility of a Segway?
He's going for James Bond, not Woz.
posted by mkultra at 7:38 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Have you considered the possibility of a Segway?
He's going for James Bond, not Woz.
posted by mkultra at 7:38 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Another option: a boat-towed hang glider. That would make for a dramatic entrance, give you more control than a parachute insertion, and keep your tux dry.
posted by adamrice at 7:46 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by adamrice at 7:46 AM on March 30, 2006
I can't imagine any way that a wetsuit or drysuit could be peeled off a tux and leave anything but a bunched-up mass of creases. If you watch carefully the scene from the James Bond film, I am pretty sure you will notice that the wetsuit-to-tux change is done in two or more separate shots.
Another point is that a tuxedo jacket, like any men's tailored jacket, includes shoulders pads as well as other less obvious "constructed" details. A skin-tight wetsuit will look very strange over this kind of jacket, sort of like you have some unearthly exoskeleton.
A possible solution to this problem would be to "underdress" in very tight knit slacks and shirt (instead of a cotton dress shirt), then, once you've stripped off the wetsuit, slip into the dinner jacket. Though, frankly, I think you'll still end up looking like an unmade bed.
Assuming your budget will cover this, perhaps you could rent a sporty motorboat and hire a couple of actress/models to play "Bond Girls." (They could be dressed in contrasting sexy outifts.) A particularly cute idea would be to dress the women in sailor-inspired outfits as the "crew" of the boat. They could then spend an hour or so at the party lighting your cigarettes or fetching your dry martinis before slipping away (and perhaps returning the boat to the marina.)
posted by La Cieca at 8:00 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Another point is that a tuxedo jacket, like any men's tailored jacket, includes shoulders pads as well as other less obvious "constructed" details. A skin-tight wetsuit will look very strange over this kind of jacket, sort of like you have some unearthly exoskeleton.
A possible solution to this problem would be to "underdress" in very tight knit slacks and shirt (instead of a cotton dress shirt), then, once you've stripped off the wetsuit, slip into the dinner jacket. Though, frankly, I think you'll still end up looking like an unmade bed.
Assuming your budget will cover this, perhaps you could rent a sporty motorboat and hire a couple of actress/models to play "Bond Girls." (They could be dressed in contrasting sexy outifts.) A particularly cute idea would be to dress the women in sailor-inspired outfits as the "crew" of the boat. They could then spend an hour or so at the party lighting your cigarettes or fetching your dry martinis before slipping away (and perhaps returning the boat to the marina.)
posted by La Cieca at 8:00 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
I've allways been impressed by windsurfers who wear tuxedos.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 8:04 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 8:04 AM on March 30, 2006
The tuxedo suit jacket item is going to be the killer for wrinkles. Get an accomplice to carry or wear your tuxedo suit jacket. Wear the shirt and pants underneath a dry suit, step up to the bar, order the drink, peel off your drysuit, "steal" your jacket from your accomplice at the bar, pick up your drink, and start schmoozing.
A drysuit is difficult to take off solo so be sure to practice. Also, I'm not sure what you want to do about socks and shoes since you certainly can't wear them underwater. Another vote for the tux, shirt, socks, and shoes hidden in the bathroom beforehand unless you want to walk around barefoot all day.
posted by junesix at 8:06 AM on March 30, 2006
A drysuit is difficult to take off solo so be sure to practice. Also, I'm not sure what you want to do about socks and shoes since you certainly can't wear them underwater. Another vote for the tux, shirt, socks, and shoes hidden in the bathroom beforehand unless you want to walk around barefoot all day.
posted by junesix at 8:06 AM on March 30, 2006
The best option is black speedos and a bow-tie only. Makes an impact, and simple to wear under a wet/dry suit. As someone else suggested, you can change into a tux/whatever at the bar once the initial furore has died down.
posted by fire&wings at 8:11 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by fire&wings at 8:11 AM on March 30, 2006
A drysuit is the way to go, and they're fairly roomy, so I think you could get away without too much wrinkling if you weren't in it for too long. They are hard to get off, though, with anything approaching sang froid. The huge rubber gaskets that keep you dry are the same ones that you will have to carefully pull over your head and wrists and ankles. If I were to do this, I would use a boxcutter to actually cut the gaskets off the drysuit, step out of the suit, and then take the gaskets off. Gaskets on drysuits tear in the normal course of use, and are pretty easy to replace (just a gasket kit, a bit of cement and something to stretch the suit ends over), so it's by no means the end of the world to do this.
posted by OmieWise at 8:14 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by OmieWise at 8:14 AM on March 30, 2006
Three words: indelible body paint.
Or two: Tuxedo T-Shirt
posted by grateful at 8:22 AM on March 30, 2006
Or two: Tuxedo T-Shirt
posted by grateful at 8:22 AM on March 30, 2006
I second the boat-towed hang-glider. You could avoid the people just fine. But you gotta have a vehicle to take it away.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:28 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 8:28 AM on March 30, 2006
Ummm...how about a parachute?
posted by badkarmaboy at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by badkarmaboy at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2006
Go for the sleek, sexy boat. It's how the new Bond arrived at his press conference.
Remember to bring your own Money Penny since she rarely gets out of the office.
posted by onhazier at 8:47 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Remember to bring your own Money Penny since she rarely gets out of the office.
posted by onhazier at 8:47 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Having lived in the Aleutians I can say that NOTHING is cooler than a Gumby Suit and you can wear anything you want underneath, up to and including a parka. Ok, pretty much anything is cooler than a Gumby suit....but it's GUMBY DAMMIT.
posted by m@ at 8:49 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by m@ at 8:49 AM on March 30, 2006
One of those inflatable balls where you stay dry on the inside.
Wear the tux. Inflate...walk in on the water. Bonus if you have speedboats chase you.
posted by filmgeek at 8:54 AM on March 30, 2006
Wear the tux. Inflate...walk in on the water. Bonus if you have speedboats chase you.
posted by filmgeek at 8:54 AM on March 30, 2006
This is absolutely one of the coolest questions ever on the green.
You are appealing to the collective MeFi Bond-fueled bravado. Well done.
But you must provide follow-ups, and you mustn't chicken out. Get an operative inside who can film this endeavor for us, won't you?
posted by disillusioned at 8:56 AM on March 30, 2006
You are appealing to the collective MeFi Bond-fueled bravado. Well done.
But you must provide follow-ups, and you mustn't chicken out. Get an operative inside who can film this endeavor for us, won't you?
posted by disillusioned at 8:56 AM on March 30, 2006
The parachute is definitely the way to go. Especially if the have an outdoor bar you can land at to order your drink.
posted by jackofsaxons at 8:56 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by jackofsaxons at 8:56 AM on March 30, 2006
If you have someone on the inside, I suggest you have them play the James Bond theme or similar when you make your entrance. Even Bond's entrances are much less spectacular when it's just a silent group of people watching awkwardly as he drifts in on a parachute or rocket pack or what have you.
posted by Espy Gillespie at 8:58 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Espy Gillespie at 8:58 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Jet ski plus tux sounds right. Easier to rent, you look cooler arriving and no pesky gaskets to pull over your head.
(Wasn't the wet suit-to-tux scene actually from True Lies?)
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:04 AM on March 30, 2006
(Wasn't the wet suit-to-tux scene actually from True Lies?)
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:04 AM on March 30, 2006
I've done this with a very sleek, sexy (and loud) speedboat.
It worked out great... but I'd be sure that you're very good at handling the boat if you do that. You'll lose all your suave points if you dock it sloppy.
A waverunner will also work, so long as the body of water in question isn't too choppy. If it is, you'll get more than a bit damp.
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:06 AM on March 30, 2006
It worked out great... but I'd be sure that you're very good at handling the boat if you do that. You'll lose all your suave points if you dock it sloppy.
A waverunner will also work, so long as the body of water in question isn't too choppy. If it is, you'll get more than a bit damp.
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:06 AM on March 30, 2006
No suggestions but junkbox's suggestion seems best in my mind. That sounds so, for lack of a better term, HOT. You will have all the debutantes jocking you.
And please, hire a videographer and release on MefiProjects or something!
posted by like_neon at 9:11 AM on March 30, 2006
And please, hire a videographer and release on MefiProjects or something!
posted by like_neon at 9:11 AM on March 30, 2006
How about (as Fire & Wings suggested) you just wear a black bikini bottom and a tie under your wetsuit--and then you have an accomplice spray on your tuxedo shirt?
By the way, this thread wins for Most Cases Of Multiple Users Posting The Same Answer At The Same Time. I bet when I click preview, somebody else will have suggested the spray-on fabric thing.
On Preview: Rats. That would have been cool
posted by yankeefog at 9:12 AM on March 30, 2006
By the way, this thread wins for Most Cases Of Multiple Users Posting The Same Answer At The Same Time. I bet when I click preview, somebody else will have suggested the spray-on fabric thing.
On Preview: Rats. That would have been cool
posted by yankeefog at 9:12 AM on March 30, 2006
I second the "speedboat-crewed-by-Bond-girls" suggestion. Fantastic.
posted by the_bone at 9:12 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by the_bone at 9:12 AM on March 30, 2006
Best answer: What you want to do is have one of your friends show up before you arrive and start mingling with the family members. Hopefully, he would be wearing a fez or a bowler hat.
"I am ... cousin Scorpio... you know, from Istanbul?"
Then you arrive in a sleek italian roadster. Alternatively, you could parachute in. You're wearing the white dinner jacket.
If you parachute in, say something like, "sorry to drop in on you like this."
You and your friend give each other cold, sidelong stares for about an hour. Then your friend walks up to you and asks for a cigarette. While you flip open your gold cigarette case, he goes in for the kill. You fend him off with a lightning fast karate chop, and a stiff rabbit-punch to the kidneys. You tussle for a second, then judo throw him over your shoulder and into the lake.
He goes under the surface of the water (retrieving a hidden scuba tank!) and does not resurface. You turn to the startled onlookers and say:
"I guess blood really is thicker than water."
(dun dun DUH DUN!!!!)
posted by Hildago at 9:17 AM on March 30, 2006
"I am ... cousin Scorpio... you know, from Istanbul?"
Then you arrive in a sleek italian roadster. Alternatively, you could parachute in. You're wearing the white dinner jacket.
If you parachute in, say something like, "sorry to drop in on you like this."
You and your friend give each other cold, sidelong stares for about an hour. Then your friend walks up to you and asks for a cigarette. While you flip open your gold cigarette case, he goes in for the kill. You fend him off with a lightning fast karate chop, and a stiff rabbit-punch to the kidneys. You tussle for a second, then judo throw him over your shoulder and into the lake.
He goes under the surface of the water (retrieving a hidden scuba tank!) and does not resurface. You turn to the startled onlookers and say:
"I guess blood really is thicker than water."
(dun dun DUH DUN!!!!)
posted by Hildago at 9:17 AM on March 30, 2006
Wasn't the wet suit-to-tux scene actually from True Lies?
James Bond (played by Sean Connery) took off his scuba suit to reveal a tuxedo in the opening scene of Goldfinger, before the credits. Arnold Schwarzenegger spoofs this at the beginning of True Lies.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:32 AM on March 30, 2006
Huh wouldn't the inflatable ball thing be less like Bond and more like The Prisoner? Which would be, in it's own way, awesome, but could have a totally different effect on a family reunion.
posted by Sara Anne at 9:34 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by Sara Anne at 9:34 AM on March 30, 2006
ah. sorry. am schmuck. it's not like I haven't seen Goldfinger a hundred times either.
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:34 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:34 AM on March 30, 2006
I forgot to mention the fake seagull on his head. Here's an extremely comprehensive review of all of the James Bond pre-credits teaser scenes.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by kirkaracha at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2006
Best answer: Party begins. Suddenly, there's a disturbance on the water! The Evil General and his mercenary thugs have captured Max Power, international superspy. They arrive at the party via boat. Wishing to rub his humiliation in his face, the General loads Power ashore and parades him in chains into the midst of the party, surrounded by thugs.
The General reveals his fiendish plan. Why not? He's going to execute Max Power right there! Agent Power asks for a last request, and the General, awash in his own crapulence, grants it. "For my last request, I ask for a kiss from the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Max drawls, pointing with chained hands at the firey woman in the slink red dress who has been lurking by the bar all evening. She saches over to the chained hero and plants a long, enthusiastic kiss on his lips (while unlocking the chains that bind his wrists with a hidden key!).
Suddenly, the pair swing into action, defeating thugs left and right with a series of vicious karate chops. "This is not happening!" The General shouts, "Stop them!" The villain flees back to the boat and boards it with his remaining thugs.
"You may have gained your life back, Max Power, but I still have the Transducer!" taunts the villain as his boat pulls away from the dock. His laugher rings across the party as the boat slips away.
Max Power seems unconcerned. "Vhat should vee do?" asks the Lady in Red in a husky voice, "Zhat madman still hass ze Tranzducer!"
"Me? I'm going to stay at this party and smoke a cigarette, and you're going to join me." Power pulls out a pack of smokes and sticks one in his mouth and one in hers. He offers the remaining cigarettes do those party guests nearest to him.
Pulling a lighter from his pocket, he asks the crowd, "Anyone need a light?" then presses a button at the side of the lighter.
Suddenly, the escaping boat explodes into flames!
BAH-NAH BaNa-BAAaaaaa!!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2006 [3 favorites]
The General reveals his fiendish plan. Why not? He's going to execute Max Power right there! Agent Power asks for a last request, and the General, awash in his own crapulence, grants it. "For my last request, I ask for a kiss from the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Max drawls, pointing with chained hands at the firey woman in the slink red dress who has been lurking by the bar all evening. She saches over to the chained hero and plants a long, enthusiastic kiss on his lips (while unlocking the chains that bind his wrists with a hidden key!).
Suddenly, the pair swing into action, defeating thugs left and right with a series of vicious karate chops. "This is not happening!" The General shouts, "Stop them!" The villain flees back to the boat and boards it with his remaining thugs.
"You may have gained your life back, Max Power, but I still have the Transducer!" taunts the villain as his boat pulls away from the dock. His laugher rings across the party as the boat slips away.
Max Power seems unconcerned. "Vhat should vee do?" asks the Lady in Red in a husky voice, "Zhat madman still hass ze Tranzducer!"
"Me? I'm going to stay at this party and smoke a cigarette, and you're going to join me." Power pulls out a pack of smokes and sticks one in his mouth and one in hers. He offers the remaining cigarettes do those party guests nearest to him.
Pulling a lighter from his pocket, he asks the crowd, "Anyone need a light?" then presses a button at the side of the lighter.
Suddenly, the escaping boat explodes into flames!
BAH-NAH BaNa-BAAaaaaa!!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2006 [3 favorites]
If you have four or five guys at your disposal, you could dress in your tuxedo and have the four guys bring you in on a rubber boat, like a SEAL team.
posted by phoebus at 9:47 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by phoebus at 9:47 AM on March 30, 2006
You don't need Bond girls, the boat doesn't need to be loud (you'll be throttling it down to have a slowish, proper entrance anyway) but it does need to have a proper place for you to stand, behind the wheel, none of that chair crap. You need a martini in your left hand, look a little bemused but not too much.
A white suit would be best, for visual impact, but it's a lot to pull off, so you may just want the usual black.
Buuuut, if you really do want to go for the drysuit thing, it could work if you've got a poly tux and it's impeccably creased and you put it on very carefully. I can't imagine it'd be a very fun trip, though, and what would you do for shoes? The collar of your clothing would probably be hard to get into the drysuit, too.
I think we should have a new AskMefi category for Bond questions. 'How to be girl-meltingly debonair.'
posted by blacklite at 9:55 AM on March 30, 2006
A white suit would be best, for visual impact, but it's a lot to pull off, so you may just want the usual black.
Buuuut, if you really do want to go for the drysuit thing, it could work if you've got a poly tux and it's impeccably creased and you put it on very carefully. I can't imagine it'd be a very fun trip, though, and what would you do for shoes? The collar of your clothing would probably be hard to get into the drysuit, too.
I think we should have a new AskMefi category for Bond questions. 'How to be girl-meltingly debonair.'
posted by blacklite at 9:55 AM on March 30, 2006
Can you bribe anyone to hide anything on premise? Is budget an issue?
. Arrive via powercruiser driven by a Bond girl in bikini or evening gown, then anchor and take a jetski from cruiser to shore.
. Arrive by jetski, accompanied by several Bond girls in evening gowns, also on jetskis.
. Arrive in scuba gear with tuxedo on under a drysuit. Have a fresh tuxedo, esp. the shirt, and shoes, available so that you can change quickly, minimizing the time you are seen in wrinkly clothes.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 AM on March 30, 2006
. Arrive via powercruiser driven by a Bond girl in bikini or evening gown, then anchor and take a jetski from cruiser to shore.
. Arrive by jetski, accompanied by several Bond girls in evening gowns, also on jetskis.
. Arrive in scuba gear with tuxedo on under a drysuit. Have a fresh tuxedo, esp. the shirt, and shoes, available so that you can change quickly, minimizing the time you are seen in wrinkly clothes.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 AM on March 30, 2006
Great answers! While the speedboat is probably the easiest, why not an amphibious car?
posted by Marky at 10:23 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by Marky at 10:23 AM on March 30, 2006
If a water entrance doesn't work out, any chance you could rent an Aston Martin and come in that way?
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:52 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:52 AM on March 30, 2006
Something else to consider is the water approach...
Is it a beach?
Bulkhead with dock?
Abrupt ending to lawn with a slight cliff?
For premium effect you want to make sure you can make the entrance to max effect. You don't want to come up on a Jet Ski only to find you can't get on the dock. People would tell THAT story for years.
posted by UncleHornHead at 11:02 AM on March 30, 2006
Is it a beach?
Bulkhead with dock?
Abrupt ending to lawn with a slight cliff?
For premium effect you want to make sure you can make the entrance to max effect. You don't want to come up on a Jet Ski only to find you can't get on the dock. People would tell THAT story for years.
posted by UncleHornHead at 11:02 AM on March 30, 2006
this thread is awesome.
Just go with the drysuit and tux. There's no way it'll get that wrinkly - especially if it's a rental (polyester).
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:32 AM on March 30, 2006
Just go with the drysuit and tux. There's no way it'll get that wrinkly - especially if it's a rental (polyester).
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:32 AM on March 30, 2006
Some questions:
Are you swimming up to the lake, or on a boat?
If it's swimming, you may want to test swimming in a drysuit and wearing a tux before you dive in!
If you're on a boat, your options are a lot easier because you can even be wearing a fake wetsuit made of spandex instead of neoprene so it's easier to peel off, etc.
posted by cell divide at 11:37 AM on March 30, 2006
Are you swimming up to the lake, or on a boat?
If it's swimming, you may want to test swimming in a drysuit and wearing a tux before you dive in!
If you're on a boat, your options are a lot easier because you can even be wearing a fake wetsuit made of spandex instead of neoprene so it's easier to peel off, etc.
posted by cell divide at 11:37 AM on March 30, 2006
Even if the tux got wrinkled, it'd be so freaking cool that no one would care.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:55 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by kirkaracha at 11:55 AM on March 30, 2006
Response by poster: Question submitter here. Wow. Excellent answers thus far! To those who asked questions:
- the location is a beach, with large boulders (erratics actually) off shore making powerboat entry extremely difficult (Bond could do it, but I wouldn't attempt it);
- I could easily have accomplices (or inside men) to help;
- the event is top secret, if I told you, I'd have to kill you;
- I do have access to various sailing craft, but probably not jetski's and such. Great idea for an entrance, but surely a loud jetski would alert various henchmen;
- Sadly, I will be unable to post details of how the mission goes down on MeFi Projects. I wouldn't want to cause an international incident. That said, perhaps you all should read the papers this summer. Be on the look out for a story about an 'incident' on Lake Huron in the near future [touches nose twice].
Keep them coming!
posted by maxpower at 12:02 PM on March 30, 2006
- the location is a beach, with large boulders (erratics actually) off shore making powerboat entry extremely difficult (Bond could do it, but I wouldn't attempt it);
- I could easily have accomplices (or inside men) to help;
- the event is top secret, if I told you, I'd have to kill you;
- I do have access to various sailing craft, but probably not jetski's and such. Great idea for an entrance, but surely a loud jetski would alert various henchmen;
- Sadly, I will be unable to post details of how the mission goes down on MeFi Projects. I wouldn't want to cause an international incident. That said, perhaps you all should read the papers this summer. Be on the look out for a story about an 'incident' on Lake Huron in the near future [touches nose twice].
Keep them coming!
posted by maxpower at 12:02 PM on March 30, 2006
If you parachute in, say something like, "sorry to drop in on you like this."
or you could burst from an ice sculpture and say "Ice to see you!"
I'll second the jetski/waverunner/power boat entrance. Check the beach before hand and do a couple of close drive-bys to get the crowds attention. Unless there is a crowd of people expected on the sandy beach all night, the wet suit arrival might be as subtle an entrance as it was for Arnold in True Lies... so have explosives ready.
posted by Hanover Phist at 12:09 PM on March 30, 2006
or you could burst from an ice sculpture and say "Ice to see you!"
I'll second the jetski/waverunner/power boat entrance. Check the beach before hand and do a couple of close drive-bys to get the crowds attention. Unless there is a crowd of people expected on the sandy beach all night, the wet suit arrival might be as subtle an entrance as it was for Arnold in True Lies... so have explosives ready.
posted by Hanover Phist at 12:09 PM on March 30, 2006
I suggest some well timed pyrotechniques, to enhance the drama. I get the impression the party is a big scale operation. Make sure you get the attention of even the most remote or retarded family members.
posted by ouke at 12:43 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by ouke at 12:43 PM on March 30, 2006
Best answer: No boats, no parachute, no jet ski, no wave rider, no helicopter. Stick with your original super cool scuba idea. I'd swoon. If you pulled up on a power boat you risk just looking like a show off. It would be terrific if you could somehow bring a waterproof briefcase with a martini set-up inside. Something like this ?, but complete with bottle of Bombay Sapphire, etc. Anybody remember the scene in Lawrence of Arabia where Lawrence and the young Arab boy, after wandering aross the desert, walk half dead and filthy, straight into the stuffy British Officer's bar and order two lemonades? Only that was cooler.
posted by tula at 12:44 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by tula at 12:44 PM on March 30, 2006
Go Scuba, with a drysuit. No one will care about the wrinkles.
If people will care, then have a buddy bring an exact replica of the suit you wear under the dry suit and change into it in the bathroom.
Also, you need some exploding cufflinks. Or something.
I also particularly like the idea of fighting someone at the party... Some sort of bond like henchman (or woman).
posted by Freen at 12:55 PM on March 30, 2006
If people will care, then have a buddy bring an exact replica of the suit you wear under the dry suit and change into it in the bathroom.
Also, you need some exploding cufflinks. Or something.
I also particularly like the idea of fighting someone at the party... Some sort of bond like henchman (or woman).
posted by Freen at 12:55 PM on March 30, 2006
A slight twist to Freen's idea would be to make the switch into a gag itself - for example after removing the drysuit to reveal the tux, arrange for a fight/chase/smoke-screen/being led away by bond-girl type. You could then quickly swap suits while maintaining the charade.
posted by MetaMonkey at 1:18 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by MetaMonkey at 1:18 PM on March 30, 2006
Stunt Double.
Hide on the shore dressed in a tux. Have an accomplice come out of the water in a wetsuit. He'll walk to your hiding place, hand you his wet mask and a flipper or two to carry, and you'll come out of hiding as if you had just been in the water (but dry and wrinkle-free).
posted by grateful at 1:34 PM on March 30, 2006
Hide on the shore dressed in a tux. Have an accomplice come out of the water in a wetsuit. He'll walk to your hiding place, hand you his wet mask and a flipper or two to carry, and you'll come out of hiding as if you had just been in the water (but dry and wrinkle-free).
posted by grateful at 1:34 PM on March 30, 2006
Best answer: tula writes "It would be terrific if you could somehow bring a waterproof briefcase with a martini set-up inside. Something like this ?,"
Pelican cases are waterproof, the 1490 is vaguely briefcase sized. You'd need 1kg (2.2lbs) of lead per litre ( .264 US/.220UK Gal) of case displacement or a cube a lead about 1/10th (1:11.34) the size of your case to maintain neutral buoyancy. The 1490 has 20lbs max buoyancy, so weigh your martini gear and then add the difference in lead. Platinum, tungsten, mercury, uranium and plutonium are all denser, you should have no trouble requisitioning these alternatives from Q.
posted by Mitheral at 1:35 PM on March 30, 2006
Pelican cases are waterproof, the 1490 is vaguely briefcase sized. You'd need 1kg (2.2lbs) of lead per litre ( .264 US/.220UK Gal) of case displacement or a cube a lead about 1/10th (1:11.34) the size of your case to maintain neutral buoyancy. The 1490 has 20lbs max buoyancy, so weigh your martini gear and then add the difference in lead. Platinum, tungsten, mercury, uranium and plutonium are all denser, you should have no trouble requisitioning these alternatives from Q.
posted by Mitheral at 1:35 PM on March 30, 2006
The inflatable ball thing was actually used in Diamonds are Forever (2nd from bottom).
posted by Pryde at 1:45 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by Pryde at 1:45 PM on March 30, 2006
Do you have any friends that look like Oddjob? (Or Random Task?)
posted by kirkaracha at 1:47 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by kirkaracha at 1:47 PM on March 30, 2006
If you have access to a speedboat, you can waterski in with your tux on. When I was younger, we used to go waterskiing in regular clothes-- you can sit on a dock with your skis on, and go from there. The ride finishes by heading straight toward shore, and having the boat hang a hard turn, which will whip you around, and if you let go at the right time, you can ski smoothly onto the beachunder your own inertia. For this to work right, you need decent waterskiing skills, and the right geography (sandy beach that gets deep fairly quickly, no waves).
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 1:50 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 1:50 PM on March 30, 2006
I think everyone has been equating "Bond" with "big entrance", though I don't know why. It sounds like you are going stealth -- if late at night perhaps a zodiac with trolling motor?
Elsewise smuggle yourself into a caterer's rolling rack and pop out like you've been there all along.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:13 PM on March 30, 2006
Elsewise smuggle yourself into a caterer's rolling rack and pop out like you've been there all along.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:13 PM on March 30, 2006
While I really like the idea of a seaplane (you make a low pass and then you come around again and land straight at 'em.), I think a hovercraft is more what you're looking for.
posted by richmondparker at 2:27 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by richmondparker at 2:27 PM on March 30, 2006
If the building has any sort of high space, you could descend on a rope from the top of it. Either hide there beforehand, or bring your grapple gun.
"Sorry to drop in like this."
"This party is rather down-to-earth."
posted by breath at 2:48 PM on March 30, 2006
"Sorry to drop in like this."
"This party is rather down-to-earth."
posted by breath at 2:48 PM on March 30, 2006
Best answer: The stunt double is in my opinion the best way to go on this. It's the option which you can best practice, and it's the option which involves the fewest unpredictable variables.
Think about the reference you're drawing upon. You're attempting to recreate a scene from a movie. In movies what counts is making it _look_ like something has happened, not necessarily carrying out the act in reality. So in James Bond it's likely there were cuts between scenes to make it look like Connery had peeled off a wetsuit into a tux.
As long as you can find someone who looks even remotely like you, therefore, and you can create enough of a Hollywood scene to draw the fellow guests' attention to the water, their surprise and suspension of disbelief will be enough to convince them of the rest. The fact that your stunt double is in a scuba mask should make it a cinch to carry off.
I imagine something like this: some accomplices, at a pre-set time or on cue via cellphone or walkie-talkie, draw the fellow guests' attention to the water. "Look over there!" they shout - perhaps turning on a brash spy movie soundtrack in the process.
Then the scuba diver emerges slowly from the water - ideally w ith some prop in hand like a briefcase (which has been weighted to allow for easy carriage underwater). Still with mask on, the diver walks to behind a boulder, where Max Power is hidden, perhaps with the tuxedo jacket and shirt on the top and the top half of the wetsuit peeled back, with the bottom half still on... and of course the scuba mask and briefcase. Max Power then walks up to join the party.
It's magic. An illusion. But as long as enough details are roughly right (Max's hair is wet, his feet are covered in sand and salt, the wetsuit is the same, the briefcase is handed over correctly) then the guests will _want_ to believe it and therefore will do.
Unlike every other stunt, this is one you can practise again and again until it's perfect. You need accomplices, but outside forces such as weather conditions are less likely to spoil the plan.
posted by skylar at 3:22 PM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Think about the reference you're drawing upon. You're attempting to recreate a scene from a movie. In movies what counts is making it _look_ like something has happened, not necessarily carrying out the act in reality. So in James Bond it's likely there were cuts between scenes to make it look like Connery had peeled off a wetsuit into a tux.
As long as you can find someone who looks even remotely like you, therefore, and you can create enough of a Hollywood scene to draw the fellow guests' attention to the water, their surprise and suspension of disbelief will be enough to convince them of the rest. The fact that your stunt double is in a scuba mask should make it a cinch to carry off.
I imagine something like this: some accomplices, at a pre-set time or on cue via cellphone or walkie-talkie, draw the fellow guests' attention to the water. "Look over there!" they shout - perhaps turning on a brash spy movie soundtrack in the process.
Then the scuba diver emerges slowly from the water - ideally w ith some prop in hand like a briefcase (which has been weighted to allow for easy carriage underwater). Still with mask on, the diver walks to behind a boulder, where Max Power is hidden, perhaps with the tuxedo jacket and shirt on the top and the top half of the wetsuit peeled back, with the bottom half still on... and of course the scuba mask and briefcase. Max Power then walks up to join the party.
It's magic. An illusion. But as long as enough details are roughly right (Max's hair is wet, his feet are covered in sand and salt, the wetsuit is the same, the briefcase is handed over correctly) then the guests will _want_ to believe it and therefore will do.
Unlike every other stunt, this is one you can practise again and again until it's perfect. You need accomplices, but outside forces such as weather conditions are less likely to spoil the plan.
posted by skylar at 3:22 PM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
skylar, the problem with a stunt double switch is this: if you show up at a party on a beach in a scuba outfit, you are going to get mobbed. Keeping everyone away is going to be 90% of the battle...
Beyond that, having a pelican briefcase with a martini set in it would be soooo sweet.
posted by Freen at 4:05 PM on March 30, 2006
Beyond that, having a pelican briefcase with a martini set in it would be soooo sweet.
posted by Freen at 4:05 PM on March 30, 2006
Hmmm... you have to do something that makes everyone stop and say 'What the...?' before they ever see you, it has to be a vehicle that can drop you off an dissappear, it has to make ingress/egress super easy and foolproof, you have to come out dry and with an unspilled martini... it's a HELICOPTER man, no other choice... picture it, everyone staring at the sky, cue music by your inside man... it'd be gorgeous...
posted by Cosine at 4:40 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by Cosine at 4:40 PM on March 30, 2006
No, I like the "stunt double" idea too. It does have a couple of tough bits, but the potential is much better. And if you have willing accomplices, all the better.
Regarding being mobbed: This may be accomplishable via misdirection. Plant explosives, have an accomplice create a scene, something. There does need to be a place where you can make "the switch", which may be difficult to find based on the layout.
The hard part as far as I can tell: you still have to *get* there. It appears that approach will actually be problematic from any other direction, so how do you get there in a tux, ahead of time, so you can do the switch?
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:24 PM on March 30, 2006
Regarding being mobbed: This may be accomplishable via misdirection. Plant explosives, have an accomplice create a scene, something. There does need to be a place where you can make "the switch", which may be difficult to find based on the layout.
The hard part as far as I can tell: you still have to *get* there. It appears that approach will actually be problematic from any other direction, so how do you get there in a tux, ahead of time, so you can do the switch?
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:24 PM on March 30, 2006
Any solution that involves changing clothes is going to look less than composed, unless you change out of view. If you want attention upon your actual arrival, consider solutions that allow you to arrive already dressed.
Practically speaking, air solutions may be difficult to pull off, as skydiving, etc. typically require some training. You might have enough time for the boat-towed hang glider training, though--which strikes me as pretty splashy if you can ditch the glider easily.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:28 PM on March 30, 2006
Practically speaking, air solutions may be difficult to pull off, as skydiving, etc. typically require some training. You might have enough time for the boat-towed hang glider training, though--which strikes me as pretty splashy if you can ditch the glider easily.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:28 PM on March 30, 2006
Now that I think about it, Having the double arrive in the scuba suit, and then fighting someone off, then switch with you, in a dry "wetsuit" which can then be peeled off to reveal a perfect white tux. A regular, dry, neoprene wetsuit will both leave a poly suit reasonably unwrinkled, and will also peel in a much more cinematic way than a drysuit.
This way, you get the super sweet reveal of emerging from a wetsuit in a tux, and the fight/defeat the bad guy.
The switch is going to be tough. How well do you know the terrain? Will you be able to plant yourself there in advance and remain undiscovered?
If you are all dressed up in scuba gear, behind a shed, or a rock, then the " bad guy" could throw your double, still with the mask on, behind the shed/rock, and you could do the switch right then, in the middle of the fight, you come out from behind the shed/rock, rip off the mask and snorkel, defeat your foe, and then emerge from the wetsuit in a pristine white tux.
posted by Freen at 7:15 PM on March 30, 2006
This way, you get the super sweet reveal of emerging from a wetsuit in a tux, and the fight/defeat the bad guy.
The switch is going to be tough. How well do you know the terrain? Will you be able to plant yourself there in advance and remain undiscovered?
If you are all dressed up in scuba gear, behind a shed, or a rock, then the " bad guy" could throw your double, still with the mask on, behind the shed/rock, and you could do the switch right then, in the middle of the fight, you come out from behind the shed/rock, rip off the mask and snorkel, defeat your foe, and then emerge from the wetsuit in a pristine white tux.
posted by Freen at 7:15 PM on March 30, 2006
Response by poster: Bonus points, I do happen to have a pelican case and a lead weight small enough to fit inside. I think that could definitely happen -- great idea!
posted by maxpower at 8:21 PM on March 30, 2006
posted by maxpower at 8:21 PM on March 30, 2006
You might also consider one of the new Teflon-coated tuxes, like one from Ted Baker's Endurance line (see the Ted Baker Party Animal tux), which resist wrinkles.
posted by IcyJuly at 1:05 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by IcyJuly at 1:05 PM on March 31, 2006
I think you'll be okay with a drysuit and tux. Try it out first!
(And do return to this thread to tell us how it went!)
posted by Count Ziggurat at 4:16 PM on March 31, 2006
(And do return to this thread to tell us how it went!)
posted by Count Ziggurat at 4:16 PM on March 31, 2006
Best answer: I hope this isn't too late but what you need is a Flight Dry Suit. They are made of fabric not neoprene but are waterproof with the same seals as a diving dry suit, they are 1000x easier to get on and off and they also come large enough for you to wear bulky warm clothes underneath. Getting one on and off over regular clothes is inelegant but easy.
If you know a small plane pilot, helo pilot or anyone in the CoastGuard you're all set. You could also buy one of the cheaper emergency one-time use ones (scroll down).
posted by fshgrl at 2:41 PM on April 1, 2006
If you know a small plane pilot, helo pilot or anyone in the CoastGuard you're all set. You could also buy one of the cheaper emergency one-time use ones (scroll down).
posted by fshgrl at 2:41 PM on April 1, 2006
Holy crap. I think a Flight Dry Suit might actually work. They're even cheap -- $40 range according to Ebay!
posted by effugas at 5:43 PM on April 1, 2006
posted by effugas at 5:43 PM on April 1, 2006
Like others have mentioned, the "money shot" is when you remove the suit and are seen in a tux. That is what will make you immortal. You could even sneak away and change into a crisp tux after that.
Metafilter: where advice is cheerfully given to spies in training.
posted by craniac at 9:11 AM on April 2, 2006
Metafilter: where advice is cheerfully given to spies in training.
posted by craniac at 9:11 AM on April 2, 2006
I remember visiting a web site that would let you rent James Bond characters to recreate your James Bond fantasy. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I think the name of the site was somehow related to SPECTER, but I can't find it anymore.
posted by banished at 4:30 PM on April 2, 2006
posted by banished at 4:30 PM on April 2, 2006
what craniac said! Who cares if your tux is mussed?! After that moment you can change into an identical one and no one will care.
posted by phrontist at 4:33 PM on April 2, 2006
posted by phrontist at 4:33 PM on April 2, 2006
Got money? What you want is a rigid diving suit. They’re called Atmospheric Diving Suits, like a newtsuit or a hardsuit.
It’d be 1/2 the coolness I’d think showing up in one. Plus if you have people to help you get out of it the only real issue is cost.
Not sure where you could rent one tho.
Da links:
here, here and here.
Otherwise I’d go with most of the other folks on the drysuit. Get the fold up flippers, you’re feet will thank you.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:10 PM on April 4, 2006
It’d be 1/2 the coolness I’d think showing up in one. Plus if you have people to help you get out of it the only real issue is cost.
Not sure where you could rent one tho.
Da links:
here, here and here.
Otherwise I’d go with most of the other folks on the drysuit. Get the fold up flippers, you’re feet will thank you.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:10 PM on April 4, 2006
Having had some experience with drysuits (I'm a research diver, and am actually planning something similar for my dissertation defense), I think it's possible. There are many different KINDS of drysuits, however, which will vary in how they will wrinkle your tux. My advice would be to go with a trilaminate suit. They have been unfavorably been compared to giant plastic bags, as they are neither as tight now as insulating as some of their fancier cousins. The advatage there, however, is that they will be less constricting, and therefore less likely to press and wrinkle your tux. Let me know how it goes, as it would help me in my own plan!
Also, make sure your suit has front entry. Many tri-lam suits are rear entry only, in which case someone else would have to unzip it for you, unless you are double jointed (or need to pee really really really badly, in which case you find that desparation gives you a newfound flexibility).
posted by redbeard at 1:11 PM on April 4, 2006
Also, make sure your suit has front entry. Many tri-lam suits are rear entry only, in which case someone else would have to unzip it for you, unless you are double jointed (or need to pee really really really badly, in which case you find that desparation gives you a newfound flexibility).
posted by redbeard at 1:11 PM on April 4, 2006
Response by poster: The question author here: I don't know if this is allowed, but how best should I share the outcome of the planned event? Maybe this deserves a new mefi question...
posted by maxpower at 1:59 PM on April 5, 2006
posted by maxpower at 1:59 PM on April 5, 2006
maxpower:
You can write the outcome here, or as it has been such a popular question maybe you could put it MeTa. But the outcome isn't a question so you probably should start a new thread in AskMe. If you want to check, email jessamyn.
posted by MetaMonkey at 3:26 PM on April 5, 2006
You can write the outcome here, or as it has been such a popular question maybe you could put it MeTa. But the outcome isn't a question so you probably should start a new thread in AskMe. If you want to check, email jessamyn.
posted by MetaMonkey at 3:26 PM on April 5, 2006
maxpower, I think MetaMonkey meant to say: But the outcome isn't a question so you probably shouldn't start a new thread in AskMe.
You've generated enough interest in this thread to merit a MetaTalk post when you want to report back.
posted by onalark at 7:08 PM on April 6, 2006
You've generated enough interest in this thread to merit a MetaTalk post when you want to report back.
posted by onalark at 7:08 PM on April 6, 2006
Do it, document it, and blog it, and I think it deserves a spot on the Blue.
posted by effugas at 5:55 PM on April 8, 2006
posted by effugas at 5:55 PM on April 8, 2006
I suggest you have Q outfit you with Rocketboots (vid autoloads)and a Birdman suit. Your entrance could be quite stealthy and the Tux would be unwrinkled underneath your Birdman Suit. You could exit the aircraft several miles from the party, rocket on over cut your engines and perform a knarly hook-turn under canopy to the amazement of all!
posted by xenophanes at 6:26 PM on August 8, 2006
posted by xenophanes at 6:26 PM on August 8, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
Practice getting in and out beforehand but even then getting out of a wet wetsuit will generally not make anyone look cool.
posted by biffa at 6:46 AM on March 30, 2006