What should I name my hypothetical children?

March 30, 2006 5:13 AM

What should I name my hypothetical children?

I have the surname 'Green', as many of you may have guessed. The way I see it, I have a comic duty to fulfil. I’m only going to get to name a child two, maybe three times, unless I lead the wrong sort of life, and let’s imagine that my life doesn’t leave behind a string of illegitimate children from John O’Groats to Land’s End. So, I… Wow. That’s quite an image. Anyway, I opened this up to some friends, who came up with some quite entertaining suggestions, and I've been nursing my own for some time. My personal favourite is 'Skye Green'. Anything better?

posted by jrengreen to Human Relations (78 answers total)

I like Calico for a girl. There's even a children's song called "Do the Dragon" about a girl named Calico. And Calico Green is sort of along the same lines as Skye Green.

Perhaps Kermit for a boy? His theme song could be "It's Not Easy Being Green."
posted by Ostara at 5:17 AM on March 30, 2006

Teresa.
posted by oh pollo! at 5:21 AM on March 30, 2006

Soylent?

*ducks*

seriously, how about a plant reference, such as Heath, or Daisy? Or another colour references, such as Lilac?
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:21 AM on March 30, 2006

Jade.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:29 AM on March 30, 2006

Response by poster: Well, i've toyed with colour reference. I could always name my child 'Emerald' or some such thing. In fact, I intend to marry a woman called Scarlett, and name my child Violet. Which almost makes sense. But i'm sure there's a much wittier line to take - indeed, i've even thought of it, and then forgotten.

And i'm not calling my kid 'Rain', or 'Grass', just for the record.

Soylent is just the sort of thing i'm looking for. Only... less wantonly cruel. No, scratch that - I'm sure my kid would see the funny side after a few years of counselling.
posted by jrengreen at 5:31 AM on March 30, 2006

Kelly.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:32 AM on March 30, 2006

Response by poster: Ultimately, I could name him/her 'AskMe'; a reference only the initiated would understand. It would be like being in a cult. Having a secret handshake. On your birth certificate.
posted by jrengreen at 5:34 AM on March 30, 2006

Best answer: Apple Green
Blue Green
Rad Green
Timber Green
Dean Green
Holly Green
Fred Green
Hunter Green
Winter Green
Madison Green
Forest Green
Leaf Green
Hedge Green
Pin Green
Sea Green
Cherry Green
Holden Green
Beet Green
Ten Green
Nat Green
Dollar Green
Bright Green
posted by sfenders at 5:37 AM on March 30, 2006

How about "red amber green" - like traffic lights?
posted by oh pollo! at 5:37 AM on March 30, 2006

sfenders...Winter Green! hahahaha...
Ethnic influence:
D'kay Green. Piyuke Green. Peay Green.
posted by cdadog at 5:44 AM on March 30, 2006

Nile - variant spelling of Niall / Neil (though there's a Dr Nile Green already at the University of Oxford).
posted by boudicca at 5:46 AM on March 30, 2006

I hope you are joking.

(I have a friend with the last name of Green. It is rather amusing, around Christmas, to drive past the Presbyterian churches, as their signage proclaims that on such and such a date they will have "the hanging of the greens.")

But seriously, if you do name a kid off this list, I beg of you,

HOMESCHOOL THEM.
posted by konolia at 5:47 AM on March 30, 2006

Grasshopper.

Grasshopper Tobacco Green.
posted by pracowity at 5:49 AM on March 30, 2006

Al

if you don't like Al Green's records then his theme tune can be Paul Simon's 'you can call me Al'. if you don't like that then you're stumped. Or you could call your child something completely different. like envy.
posted by muthecow at 5:54 AM on March 30, 2006

Response by poster: There's a slight tangent evolving here, but I like it. An accompanying theme-song for whatever comic name is put forward. I have always been sad that 'James Green' has not been the inspiration of a song...
posted by jrengreen at 6:01 AM on March 30, 2006

this reminded me that i always thought it would be fun to name a boy Deciduous Oak and a girl Coniferous Fir
posted by BSummers at 6:11 AM on March 30, 2006

Eva.
posted by teem at 6:13 AM on March 30, 2006

Why don't you change your own name to something funny? Why force something on a small child that you're not willing to do yourself?
posted by popechunk at 6:13 AM on March 30, 2006

Olive for a girl would be nice.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:14 AM on March 30, 2006

On preview, popechunk is exactly right.
posted by k8t at 6:14 AM on March 30, 2006

Of course if you wanted a more milder snigger, any name such as Peter/Pauline/Phil means your kid would be P Green. A homophonically akin thing works with Charles/Caroline etc.

Any more kids than that would, I suppose, mean the formation of the Gang Green.
posted by Hartster at 6:15 AM on March 30, 2006

Moe Green.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:15 AM on March 30, 2006

Pastures Green, Greenback Green, Greenhorn Green, Seafoam Green.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:16 AM on March 30, 2006

Olive.
Perry.
Shah (cha-grin, geddit?).
posted by handee at 6:17 AM on March 30, 2006

I like oh pollo!'s, but was going to suggest "Scarlett Amber Green"
posted by Hlewagast at 6:22 AM on March 30, 2006

Village!

And if he or she can find a mate named Preservation Society, so much the better.

Or, for a boy, Armondo, which would be Mondy for short. Then you'd have a Mondegreen.
posted by staggernation at 6:22 AM on March 30, 2006

Scarlett Amber Green is perfect!
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:28 AM on March 30, 2006

I don't care what you do, but keep in mind: 1. Potential mates might think this is utterly mad and refuse, especially since they're the ones doing the work for 40 weeks and 2. you damn well better give them a normal middle name. Or heck, make their middle name the comic one.

They will resent you for it. Heck, my mother had bad initials and was obsessed over my brother and I not having initials that spelled anything.
posted by cobaltnine at 6:29 AM on March 30, 2006

"My name?" he asked nervously, "Frankenstein. Frankenstein Green. Please call me Frank. It pisses off my dad when you do."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:33 AM on March 30, 2006

What konolia said.

I went to school with a Cadace Kane, had a teacher named William Schutt, and felt sorry for both of them. Please, think twice about giving your child a novelty name; they're going to have to deal with it long after you're gone.

If you're just doing this as an exercise, though - how about Putting?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:34 AM on March 30, 2006

Perma Green
Irish Green
Velvet Green
Luke Green
Gfor Green
George W Green
Tom Green
Thumb Green

Green, Thumb? Present!
posted by blueplasticfish at 6:35 AM on March 30, 2006

Or if you think the kid might go into performance of some kind - Bowling (think Chevy Chase.)
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:39 AM on March 30, 2006

Hamdog Green
posted by electroboy at 6:41 AM on March 30, 2006

Chlorophyll, Phyll for short. More obliquely, Chloe.
posted by dmo at 6:44 AM on March 30, 2006

I'm thinking

don't
posted by unSane at 6:45 AM on March 30, 2006

If you insist on doing this, I second Hartster's suggestion. I used to know a Peter Green, and the abbreviation to P. Green was amusing enough, but not too in your face obvious. My name was such an obvious joke that I got flack for it even from the teachers - in fact they were worse than the other kids. To be fair to my folks, this was at least an accident - it didn't really become a joke until some time after I was born. Think Michael Bolton from Office Space.
posted by teleskiving at 6:49 AM on March 30, 2006

Why do you want to give your child a name that will just provoke more schoolyard taunts? Mary is a nice name.
posted by caddis at 7:07 AM on March 30, 2006

Mia Sar Green.

say it fast, think Mad Gab
posted by blue_beetle at 7:10 AM on March 30, 2006

Dixonov Dock.

/sorry :-p
posted by ceri richard at 7:10 AM on March 30, 2006

The Askmefi Green
posted by jozxyqk at 7:17 AM on March 30, 2006

Red Green
posted by antifuse at 7:22 AM on March 30, 2006

Remember that in school, they might call out a child's name with the last name first (i.e., Black, Francis for Frank Black). And with that in mind, I suggest Wilma.
posted by theredpen at 7:29 AM on March 30, 2006

"Eva" is the best suggestion so far. Especially if you think your child will pursue a career as a female impersonator.

Absinthe Green would be the greatest hipster name ever.
posted by La Cieca at 7:35 AM on March 30, 2006

Dang! Your kids aren't even born, and you already hate them. I'll have to trot out one of my favorite links.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 7:39 AM on March 30, 2006

Bright Green (from above)
posted by oddman at 7:42 AM on March 30, 2006

On further reflection, Lady Monda is also an option.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:42 AM on March 30, 2006

I like the novel use of silent vowels. Like Gnancy and Knathan. Nothing to with your last name, though. But when you do have children, you can call your family unit Gang Greene.
posted by kimdog at 7:49 AM on March 30, 2006

Aletheia Green is awesome. also, aletheia means truth
posted by matteo at 8:01 AM on March 30, 2006

ingmar and botega
posted by delmoi at 8:03 AM on March 30, 2006

PRICKS IN YOUR STUPID FACE Thomas Green.
posted by Zozo at 8:07 AM on March 30, 2006

I like the novel use of silent vowels. Like Gnancy and Knathan. Nothing to with your last name, though. But when you do have children, you can call your family unit Gang Greene.

Err, you mean consonants?
posted by delmoi at 8:14 AM on March 30, 2006

Thanks delmoi. That is indeed what I meant.
posted by kimdog at 8:25 AM on March 30, 2006

Ivy.
posted by orange swan at 8:30 AM on March 30, 2006

Gretna
Goose

(actually I think o pollo!'s Teresa is best)
posted by penguin pie at 8:37 AM on March 30, 2006

Another one for sfenders' list:

Sha Green

Though, that meaning, and the similar sounding word mentioned by handee - well, it wouldn't be very flattering...
posted by Liosliath at 8:43 AM on March 30, 2006

Rachel
Gretna
Ann
Ling
Hank
Dyssagg
Fing
posted by srah at 8:44 AM on March 30, 2006

Cabrini
posted by doctor_negative at 9:14 AM on March 30, 2006

(Well done, doc neg, well done.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:17 AM on March 30, 2006

College Roomies from Hell (forgot the link, it's been quite a long time since I read it) has two siblings named (Paul?) Red Green and Blue Green.

I second Scarlett Amber Green. In a hypothetical way, of course.
posted by qvantamon at 9:17 AM on March 30, 2006

I new a girl named Mary Ellen Green when I was young and I thought the name rolled off the tongue quite nicely. Sadly I never got to find out if any of the rest of her did :(
posted by any major dude at 9:24 AM on March 30, 2006

Dave
posted by cellphone at 10:00 AM on March 30, 2006

I vote for Joe Green--because in Italian, he'll be Giuseppe Verdi!
posted by Asparagirl at 10:07 AM on March 30, 2006

Navy Green. yes, it is meant as absurdism
posted by found missing at 10:15 AM on March 30, 2006

Simple Green.

But really, as a kid who had/has a "hard to pronounce" name, please don't.
posted by jvilter at 10:35 AM on March 30, 2006

I am all about Kelly Green. The Chicago St. Patrick's Day parade queen this year is named Kelly Green.
posted by MeetMegan at 10:43 AM on March 30, 2006

Jasper
posted by daver at 10:55 AM on March 30, 2006

My personal favourite is 'Skye Green'

Friends of mine recently named their daughter "Skye Olivia (Lastname)", which works surprisingly well.
posted by Vervain at 12:30 PM on March 30, 2006

There's so many here, I'm not sure if I missed these:

From the South - Collard Green
From the retail side - Wal Green

And in the last name first category:
Green, Hornet
Green, Lantern

This is fun with someone else's pretend kids.
posted by genefinder at 12:38 PM on March 30, 2006

Precedent?
posted by b33j at 12:52 PM on March 30, 2006

Tu Green
posted by Izzmeister at 4:01 PM on March 30, 2006

Best answer: Actually, if you're naming hypothetical children, you should probably name them "Maybe" and "Couldbe" or "Whonose" or "Possible."
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:46 PM on March 30, 2006

Something I came up with today: if you have a son named Hunter, you should have a daughter named Gatherer as well.
posted by danb at 9:10 PM on March 30, 2006

Shiteating
You asked.
posted by rob511 at 9:55 PM on March 30, 2006

I third "Eva."
posted by salvia at 1:22 AM on March 31, 2006

sfender's great list leaves out Kelly Green. I do know a Forrest (Oliver) Green.
posted by whatzit at 2:31 AM on March 31, 2006

Response by poster: I went to school with a Cadace Kane, had a teacher named William Schutt, and felt sorry for both of them. Please, think twice about giving your child a novelty name; they're going to have to deal with it long after you're gone.

If you're just doing this as an exercise, though - how about Putting?


Don't worry, Kirth Gerson. It is an exercise; I would never be so cruel as to give my child one of these names. I am in fact going to call my child Knightrider Darkstar.
posted by jrengreen at 7:23 AM on March 31, 2006

Well, then - that's nice.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:31 AM on March 31, 2006

Slime Green?
posted by Izzmeister at 1:12 AM on April 3, 2006