Is timing everything?

May 30, 2008 6:25 AM

When it comes to relationships, when do you go for it, even if it's inconvenient or the timing seems to be way off?

About four months ago I moved to Turkey. That now means I'm a few time zones away from family and close friends and the comfortable life I'd had in the States. I really like it that way. I started following through on all the promises I'd made myself to paint and sculpt and create. Perhaps selfishly, I've decided to connect with the parts of myself that I've let disappear a bit as I've chased after all the things that any normal American would want (financial security, family, etc.) Result: In these past months, I've started to come alive. ALIVE.

But in order to come and do this, I pretty much had to decide that among other things, dating was not going to be part of the picture for me. I wanted to focus on other things. I didn't want distractions or other things tugging at my heart. I wasn't running away exactly, but I was definitely ready for a break.

I'm not entirely sure if I made that decision completely out of a desire to have an adventure. If I were totally honest, I'd probably admit that I partly made that decision out of pain, past disappointment, and exhaustion from endless dates that went nowhere. Maybe that point doesn't really matter. But regardless, I was looking forward to having some time in my life where dating was not an option.

But then another person came into my life. Unexpectedly. Beautifully. And VERY inconveniently.

There is no doubt there's a mutual attraction - intellectually, physically, spiritually. I don't believe in the idea of "the one" so it's not like I feel like my only chance at love could slip through my fingers if I let this opportunity go. But if I were open to dating right now, I'd be all over this one.

So here's my question: Should I stick with my decision not to date, no matter how fabulous this person is? Or should I deal with the inconvenience or complication that this could cause, for the sake of something that could be really great?

So when it comes to being ready for a relationship, is it true that timing is everything?

I especially would like to hear from persons who have made similar decisions and what they did when dilemmas like this arose.

posted by hydrate to human relations (32 comments total)

I was sort of in your position a few months ago. Had declared "no more dating," started working on myself, plunging my energies into the community, my friends, work, volunteer projects, and running. I had just begun to work very hard in therapy to understand my intimacy issues (er, commitmentphobia) and focus on myself and what makes me happy.

BAM! Dude comes along. I pushed him away as I was doing the same thing you were doing. It was important! I had declared dating off-limits! This isn't on my schedule!

Boy, am I glad I allowed him to change my mind. I've never, ever been happier. He somehow slipped behind my massive walls and now the sun shines in there and stuff.

Just my experience. From where I sit, I say, "Why not, hydrate?"

Good luck.
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 6:40 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Self imposed solitude may seem like a noble idea but it's not really the path to happiness. This person has kicked your best laid plans upside down. If they weren't worth altering your plans for you simply would not be entertaining the idea of starting to date again, let alone taking the time to ask questions about it here. Ask yourself truthfully if you will have significant regrets if you turn this person away, then take that answer and proceed from there.
posted by fire&wings at 6:42 AM on May 30

Funny - I've heard people talk about nascent love as "inconvenient" plenty of times. No one has ever said to me, "And, you know, it's great that we're falling in love right now, because it's so convenient to the rest of my life's plans. So, you know, bonus!"
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:48 AM on May 30 [5 favorites]

I met one of my ex-girlfriends after I announced a moratorium on the ladies. It was fun and we're still friends.

Later, I met my current girlfriend of 3 years (whom I plan on staying with indefinitely) when making a conscious effort to have a brief "fling" rather than an actual relationship. We're now deeply in love and I can't imagine wanting anyone else.

Romance happens to you weirdly. Take it when you can get it.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:49 AM on May 30

I'm in a similar position :)

I'm currently thinking that there just isn't any perfect state. Pushing others away makes life simpler, but in many ways less rich. The richness can get too much, the solitude too meagre. Energy ebbs and flows, learning when to go with it and when to resist is a lesson you have to learn newly pretty much every time!

You've already sorted out a lot of the stuff you were dealing with before, you're where you want to be location-wise etc and this gives you a different place for accommodating romance in your life. If this is to be an LTR, you'll still have *pure* solitude at times . If it's a local love, you'll get to share some of your process. Either way, if this person is right for you, they'll be right for your art too.

Think about yourself as a real, blood-filled individual, not an idealised platonic state. What does the *real* you want? If you still don't know, just say no. And then think about how the outcome of 'No' feels. If it's good, there's your answer.

If not, just take a deep breath and dive the hell in ;)
posted by freya_lamb at 6:58 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

5th'ing to take advantage of the situation. Love really does happen when you're not looking for it. And even if nothing ultimately comes of it, you'll be the richer for it emotionally.
I ended up with my fiancee completely out of the blue, when I was similarly in a wounded solitude. Together for 5 years now. Being with someone is often inconvenient at times; and wonderfully fulfilling and knee-tremblingly amazing at others.

You're a long time dead. Go for it.
posted by ArkhanJG at 7:03 AM on May 30

Perhaps selfishly, I've decided to connect with the parts of myself that I've let disappear a bit as I've chased after all the things that any normal American would want (financial security, family, etc.) Result: In these past months, I've started to come alive. ALIVE.

Not alive, aware. You've found out that happiness means things other than money and a comfortable life. Fortunately that's a concept which, once discovered, is not easily lost.

I don't believe in the idea of "the one" so it's not like I feel like my only chance at love could slip through my fingers if I let this opportunity go.

Neither do I believe in the idea of "the one." For most people (myself included) it turns out to be "the ones."

The thing is this, while there may not be just one person out there for you, there cannot be more than a few. Each one you let go, is one less. As a practical matter, the opportunties are few. Do not waste any of them.
posted by three blind mice at 7:11 AM on May 30

it’s always when we spend real quality time nurturing ourselves that people are drawn to us. subconsciously they think, “i want some of whatever s/he’s got”. when you do the things that make you happy and fulfill you, you’re automatically more attractive to other people. that mojo works.

so no wonder someone's taken notice! as for what to do: enjoy it. you deserve a little caring, a little fun. does it have to be the love of your life? nope.

but you never know...
posted by wayward vagabond at 7:16 AM on May 30

There's a Chrisitan folk tale that might apply.

A devout man watches his TV and sees that his house is going to be struck by a flood. He doesn't leave, sure that God will save him.

The National Guard knocks on his door to evacuate him. He refuses to go, sure that God will save him.

The waters rise and he retreats to the second floor. Some rescuers arive in a boat to evacuate him. He refuses to go, sure that God will save him.

The waters rise and he retreats to the roof. A helicopter comes to evacuate him. He refuses to go, sure that God will save him.

The waters continue to rise and he drowns. He arrives in Heaven and complains to God: "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies, "I sent the National Guard, a boat, and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

Regardless of whether this person has been placed in your life by God, Allah, The Force, or just plain good luck, don't pass up on the opportunity to explore the relationship. Windows of opportunity are notoriously hard to re-open. It would be a shame to get to the point in your life where the timing is good only to discover that you passed up on the best potential partners.

I was still in the throes of a painful bitter divorce when I met my wife, and I was anti-dating and anti-marriage. She was too amazing to pass up. 14 years later, I'm glad I gave it a chance.

Good luck!
posted by DWRoelands at 7:18 AM on May 30 [2 favorites]

The same thing that happened to frumious bandersnatch happened to me. I was happily bebopping along in my lovely single, healthy life and BOOM! he just fell in my lap. Of course I had a bit of a freakout (in my head, anyway), but now we are SO happy. And this is after five years of (happy) singledom.

Have you considered that maybe the timing IS right? That all your recent "one-on-one with you" time has resulted in you being ready for this person right now? Don't lose out on what could be something really wonderful and great. And as several people have stated above, love comes when you least expect it. The neat thing about love is that if it's really good love, s/he will compliment you and your skills, talents, and personality. Give it a whirl or you may regret it.
posted by cachondeo45 at 7:21 AM on May 30

It's always inconvenient in some ways, simply because a relationship means that you have to make some compromises, some adjustments, some changes. But those things aren't bad, just different. And it's a good test -- if this person can be with you and be supportive of the changes you are making, your explorations of art, and so on, then it is a relationship worth having. If it is a choice of the art or the relationship, well, that's not so great. So yeah, be open to life just like you are being with your travel, your art, and other things.
posted by Forktine at 7:22 AM on May 30

Nah, give it a miss. Focus on the painting and sculpting. You made your plan, now stick to it.


OK, so did you have an instinctive flicker of an emotional reaction when you read that advice? If so, was it negative, or positive? So often, these questions call for the coin-toss test: assign heads and tails to the two outcomes, toss a coin, and then before you see which way up it's landed, ask yourself, in that moment, what you are secretly wanting the result to be, and go with that one... Personally, I'd seize the romantic opportunity.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 7:25 AM on May 30 [6 favorites]

I think you only presume a new relationship will be inconvenient or complicated because of your bad past experiences. They're not all that way. I know you didn't want to deal with it right now, and there definitely is something to living only for yourself at times, so I'm not saying "you must definitely go for it."

But consider this - in a way, it's a lot better to meet someone when everything's going just the way you want it, because if that person fits into your awesome life smoothly, it's less likely that they'll try to make you change anything you don't want to change. My recommendation would be to give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, oh well, you tried, no regrets, and you still have a great life.
posted by boomchicka at 7:34 AM on May 30

Sounds to me like you already have your mind made up, even if you haven't come to terms with it yet.
I say go for it. You can always keep things platonic and see where it takes you. Plus, maybe some outside influence from another party will add to your creativity.
posted by a3matrix at 7:41 AM on May 30

previously - is timing actually everything?
posted by desjardins at 7:42 AM on May 30

"And, you know, it's great that we're falling in love right now, because it's so convenient to the rest of my life's plans. So, you know, bonus!"

Guess your friends never really, really, really needed a new roommate. Immediately.

All joking aside, OP, go for it--but try to fit it around your wonderful schedule as much as you can; don't give up anything for it that you don't have to. I have a friend who only dates on Friday from 5-10pm. It really works for him, he's had long term fulfilling relationships, and a lot of that is because he stays devoted to his community work, painting, etc.

Good luck!
posted by sondrialiac at 7:42 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Romance, in my experience, is an extremely rare thing. Someone has unexpectedly and beautifully landed in your life? It's a little bit inconvenient? My goodness, please embrace it.
posted by meerkatty at 7:43 AM on May 30

I'm also in a similar situation. Timing is awful for both of us.... and we're having the time of our lives. Go for it.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:53 AM on May 30

I think Wayward Vagabond and cachondeo45 are onto something. For me right timing is not about the externals of life, but having arrived at the right point in some internal process that bears fruit. So that people develop an attraction to you because of the effects it has on you, and in turn, that you have an emotional connection with yourself that enables you to respond to them.

If this is the case then what you are currently doing might have a large part in their attraction to you so you will find them willing to support you in this. A healthy and successful realtionship will likely require this.

And yes relationships can survive inconvenience. For the first year of my relationship with my current partner we were 6000 miles, 5 time zones and an ocean apart which put paid to anything we might normally have done to let it develop. That it did was not down to how we felt for each other but a willingness to work with what we had and a commitment to seeing where it would take us despite the obstacles.
posted by tallus at 8:42 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

You're gonna kick your own ass for years if you don't give it a shot with New Person. Seriously. I vote for the whole "you don't regret what you did, you regret what you didn't do" angle.
posted by December at 9:10 AM on May 30

I am an artist that has slacked off most of her life, and I know how important it is for you to create things and feel that "alive" feeling. This is one of the most important things in my life too.

But, assuming you don't wish to live your entire life without a partner, you will eventually want to pursue a relationship again and will have to learn how to balance your time and devotion to your partner with your time and devotion to your craft.

Why can't that time be now? If this new person in your life really feels like a good thing, I say go for it. Perhaps this person could be an inspirational aid to your work, or someone to bounce ideas off of.
posted by Squee at 9:27 AM on May 30

Lump me in with the others who found love in unforeseen and inconvenient circumstances.

It depends what YOU want more. This whole "but, but, my life is going in THIS direction!" thing is not a force of nature. It was a decision you made. Want to have a blast finding new love? Do so. Want to stay on your no-dating track? Do so. Just think it over and make a choice.

Want my opinion, from personal experience? We only live once. We can only hope that we did what we actually wanted to do in that short time.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 9:38 AM on May 30

From my experience both personally and observing, when we are not looking for someone that is when we let our guard down and allow ourselves to be ourselves and suddenly out of the blue we meet our perfect match. Finding someone who is as into you as you are into them happens so rarely in ones life. You should explore it and see where it goes, this may not happen again for a very long lonely time. You might be surprised how "alive" you really feel with your creative outlets being used as well as your emotional side being nurtured. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
posted by meeshell at 9:46 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

HERE LIES HYDRATE--
He Did The Convenient Thing


(does that seem like a good gravestone to you?)
posted by roombythelake at 10:13 AM on May 30

Once upon a time I met a nice boy. He was nice, very nice, but I wasn't in a great place emotionally and neither was he. I utterly did not want a big, committed relationship at all, not even a little. I agreed, to "give him a whirl." Our tenth anniversary is this July.

I don't think I know anybody who decided to fall in love, planned it all out to be well-timed and convenient, and then did so. I do, however, know a lot of people who went through a period of personal growth, figured out some crucial stuff about themselves and their life, and then suddenly found that that they were more attractive to others.

People who seem to know what they want, who are aware, happy, and at a reasonable level of peace with themselves (as opposed to desperate, miserable people who must must must date somebody or die) are good people to be in relationships with.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:02 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Here's the thing, you'll regret it if you don't do it, and you'll likely have fun if you do it... so why let arbitrary rules you made get in the way? In reality, most people declare "no dating" because it relives the pressure of pursuing dating from them, not because they don't actually want to date. Now the opportunity has presented itself and you didn't have to look for it... great.

So yes, do it.
posted by rooftop secrets at 12:47 PM on May 30

False Dichotomy.

Yep. I'm a greedy mutherfukker, so I'd go for both. Keep painting, keep sculpting, AND date this person. A relationship doesn't (err, shouldn't) mean you drop everything you're doing in order to worship the other person. Keep pursuing your passions, allow your partner to pursue his/hers, and welcome each other into your respective worlds.

What an amazing opportunity to watch, first-hand, how falling in love influences your art.

damn, something in my eye...
posted by LordSludge at 12:49 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

And, to second what wayward vagabond said, it's very likely that without you pursuing your passions, without your newfound ALIVEness, you'd still be the sucking void of clinginess and NEEEEEED that so many of us are, and this awesome other person would have never found you attractive to begin with. This goes triple for guys. (Apparently, it's sorta okay for girls to be needy as long as they're hawt.)
posted by LordSludge at 12:54 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

I was 25 and decided to move across the country, from Washington State to Boston. In the few months I had remaining before the move, I met a great guy. We started going out, always knowing that we were going to break up when I moved.

That spring I moved. He drove 3,000 miles east with me, then took the train back to the West Coast. We were broken up, done, free to see other people, that was it.

A few months later he took the train back again.

This summer is our ten-year wedding anniversary.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:22 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

This January, after having had a couple of go-nowhere dates, I'd decided to throw the towel in on dating for a while.

Last October, I met a guy whose live-in girlfriend had moved out only a few weeks prior. He'd decided, when she moved out, that he didn't want any kind of a rebound relationship.

We've been a couple for eight months now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:17 PM on May 30

I'm in a remarkably similar situation, living in Egypt. And I think Game Warden's got it. How do you react when you read statements saying 'don't do it'?

I had called a moratorium on dating, but knew that I was attracted to someone here and knew that he was really into me. Like you, I don't believe that there's 'just one' for me and thought I'd take a pass til the next one. When I met with him intending to tell him that the timing was wrong and it couldn't work, I was surprisingly upset at the prospect of walking away from this.

So I didn't. I have no idea if it will work or not, if it's long term or not, but I know that giving it a shot was the only decision that I wouldn't regret
posted by scrute at 9:13 AM on May 31

A counter-example:

After ending a long relationship with a person with a serious mental illness - addiction, hospitalization, medication, suicide attempts, the whole bit, I too took some time off and then started some light dating with the intention of having fun and avoiding anything serious until I could catch my breath, so to speak (not to mention getting to a place in my career where I could permanently settle down).

Of course I almost immediately found someone who seemed perfect for me.

I was not, however, in a good place for the kind of relationship she wanted. After a short time she called me on it, we broke up, and I went through a period of introspection (and therapy), after which I approached her with my newfound sense of purpose and commitment. She accepted.

This is where the happy story ends, right? Actually, she never committed back to me. Instead we went through a prolonged period where she pushed me away, treated me with fear and distrust, and punished me again and again for my initial ambivalency. By the end even her friends were asking me what I was getting out of it. So it doesn't always work out the way you'd like.

Of course, I still think you should go for it. Just keep your eyes open. Things usually work out in the end. I eventually found someone great who believes in me.

Good luck!
posted by overhauser at 12:25 PM on May 31 [1 favorite]