Should I tell him?
October 30, 2008 7:37 AM Subscribe
Do I tell him how I feel even though the timing is bad? I mean, really bad?
S and I have been friends for about two years. We started off as real life friends who hung out and all that, but became much closer in the last 9 months or so, mainly via online chatting and email. We both travel a good bit for work and are rarely in the same time zone, much less the same city. But we manage to catch up usually every day, sometimes more. Recently, our conversations have become more meaningful - both of us finally getting to the point where we trust the other with pretty significant stuff. Our conversations are never scheduled and we've never made any type of "I'm going to make you a priority" statements. But there's something unspoken, I think. There's no expectation that we'll chat every day, but we both just show up. It's a daily choice, and I really like that. We both know we've got something good. And so in the midst of all this, I realized that he's become more than just a friend to me. He's become a really important person in my life.
I relaxed and enjoyed this new feeling for about a week.
And then (dun, dun, dun) he got offered a job. In many ways, his dream job. But also a job that would pretty much mean we wouldn't share the same time zone for a really, really long time. Right now, we see each other about once a month. But like I said, most of our contact is online these days. So if he took this job, that aspect of our friendship probably wouldn't change. But now I suddenly feel this urgency, that he needs to know how I feel. We haven't talked at all about if his job decision would impact our friendship. When we've talked about his thoughts with this job, our friendship has not entered the equation at all. We feel safe talking about our feelings, except when it pertains to feelings for each other. We literally have never gone there.
So here's my question: Would it just be really awful of me to dump my newly-realized feelings on him, especially in light of this possible job change for him? Is it better to let him focus just on the job decision and maybe bring up my feelings later? He's voiced some hesitation about the job offer but hasn't gone into detail. Even though we've never talked about dating, my hopeful heart wonders if the idea of moving further from me is one factor in his hesitation. But I also know the danger of presuming anything of the kind.
I'm especially interested in hearing from persons who have been in a similar circumstance and had either a positive or negative outcome. Also just general opinions are welcome - if you were contemplating a career move and a good friend dropped the "I like you" bomb on you, how would you react?
S and I have been friends for about two years. We started off as real life friends who hung out and all that, but became much closer in the last 9 months or so, mainly via online chatting and email. We both travel a good bit for work and are rarely in the same time zone, much less the same city. But we manage to catch up usually every day, sometimes more. Recently, our conversations have become more meaningful - both of us finally getting to the point where we trust the other with pretty significant stuff. Our conversations are never scheduled and we've never made any type of "I'm going to make you a priority" statements. But there's something unspoken, I think. There's no expectation that we'll chat every day, but we both just show up. It's a daily choice, and I really like that. We both know we've got something good. And so in the midst of all this, I realized that he's become more than just a friend to me. He's become a really important person in my life.
I relaxed and enjoyed this new feeling for about a week.
And then (dun, dun, dun) he got offered a job. In many ways, his dream job. But also a job that would pretty much mean we wouldn't share the same time zone for a really, really long time. Right now, we see each other about once a month. But like I said, most of our contact is online these days. So if he took this job, that aspect of our friendship probably wouldn't change. But now I suddenly feel this urgency, that he needs to know how I feel. We haven't talked at all about if his job decision would impact our friendship. When we've talked about his thoughts with this job, our friendship has not entered the equation at all. We feel safe talking about our feelings, except when it pertains to feelings for each other. We literally have never gone there.
So here's my question: Would it just be really awful of me to dump my newly-realized feelings on him, especially in light of this possible job change for him? Is it better to let him focus just on the job decision and maybe bring up my feelings later? He's voiced some hesitation about the job offer but hasn't gone into detail. Even though we've never talked about dating, my hopeful heart wonders if the idea of moving further from me is one factor in his hesitation. But I also know the danger of presuming anything of the kind.
I'm especially interested in hearing from persons who have been in a similar circumstance and had either a positive or negative outcome. Also just general opinions are welcome - if you were contemplating a career move and a good friend dropped the "I like you" bomb on you, how would you react?
playing devils advocate here- I can see him feeling like you are telling him now to guilt him into staying. While the timing may truly be entirely coincidental humans like to see patterns in things and he might perceive (an admittedly false) one here. Just something to keep in mind.
I certainly agree with the notion of not holding back something you feel compelled to tell. You don't want to live with what ifs because they are persistent unanswerables.
My only caveat to echoing the tell him is make sure you are 100% crystal on what you want and this isn't just some reaction to him going away. If he stays and you realize you really don't feel as strongly as him potentially leaving made you think you felt he will be resentful about losing the job opportunity and it might ruin the friendship.
posted by zennoshinjou at 8:11 AM on October 30, 2008
I certainly agree with the notion of not holding back something you feel compelled to tell. You don't want to live with what ifs because they are persistent unanswerables.
My only caveat to echoing the tell him is make sure you are 100% crystal on what you want and this isn't just some reaction to him going away. If he stays and you realize you really don't feel as strongly as him potentially leaving made you think you felt he will be resentful about losing the job opportunity and it might ruin the friendship.
posted by zennoshinjou at 8:11 AM on October 30, 2008
Tell him. I think with stuff like this its best to get it all sorted as soon as you can. Waiting just makes things more awkward. If you are already spending most of your time talking online i'm not sure if this will change things that much.
posted by chunking express at 8:12 AM on October 30, 2008
posted by chunking express at 8:12 AM on October 30, 2008
I clicked into this thinking you were going to say he's getting married. That's bad timing. A job? Not a good enough excuse. You guys are already "rarely in the same time zone". Be brave! Tell him!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Tell him. Either he doesn't feel the same way and your revelation won't make a difference, or he does feel the same way and then he can make a decision with all of the information at hand.
It's still going to be his decision no matter what you tell him, and even if he likes you he could still move away. I don't think you'd be limiting him by telling him.
posted by rmless at 8:28 AM on October 30, 2008
It's still going to be his decision no matter what you tell him, and even if he likes you he could still move away. I don't think you'd be limiting him by telling him.
posted by rmless at 8:28 AM on October 30, 2008
I'm in the tell him crowd as well.
You didn't mention if it would be possible for you to move with him, or at a later date. If he knows your interested and still goes (I'd encourage him to, since it's not like you guys already have a committed relationship) then you both can maybe start making plans to get jobs in the same time zone.
And one minor warning, a lot of people are great in chats, but to deal with them daily in the flesh might not be so exciting. He may already be getting what he wants out of your friendship. And in the event he stays or you move, no guarantee things will work out.
But then again, there's never a guarantee.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:56 AM on October 30, 2008
You didn't mention if it would be possible for you to move with him, or at a later date. If he knows your interested and still goes (I'd encourage him to, since it's not like you guys already have a committed relationship) then you both can maybe start making plans to get jobs in the same time zone.
And one minor warning, a lot of people are great in chats, but to deal with them daily in the flesh might not be so exciting. He may already be getting what he wants out of your friendship. And in the event he stays or you move, no guarantee things will work out.
But then again, there's never a guarantee.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:56 AM on October 30, 2008
My best friend and I didn't get to be, uhh, more until I moved. For work. We're not that far away but I do, gladly, make the 4 hour trek to see her most weekends.
The rhythm of the week isn't everything I've hoped for but it give shape and strength to my week and pulls (pushes, prods) me through the tough ones.
The world is never as fair, the moons never as aligned, I'm never as ready as I dreamed I ought to be. Yet, the world still goes 'round, I still haven't screwed it up with my incompetence and astrology's still bunk.
Try not to worry about the future - Heisenberg might have had something to say about crystal balls - and trust that this friend with whom you've spoken about important things has earned your trust in this matter too. If it weren't the case the whole matter would be moot, eh?
posted by mce at 9:00 AM on October 30, 2008
The rhythm of the week isn't everything I've hoped for but it give shape and strength to my week and pulls (pushes, prods) me through the tough ones.
The world is never as fair, the moons never as aligned, I'm never as ready as I dreamed I ought to be. Yet, the world still goes 'round, I still haven't screwed it up with my incompetence and astrology's still bunk.
Try not to worry about the future - Heisenberg might have had something to say about crystal balls - and trust that this friend with whom you've spoken about important things has earned your trust in this matter too. If it weren't the case the whole matter would be moot, eh?
posted by mce at 9:00 AM on October 30, 2008
Do you feel strongly enough about the guy that if need be you'd be willing to move to the time zone where his dream job is? If so, tell him. If not, don't.
posted by ook at 9:20 AM on October 30, 2008
posted by ook at 9:20 AM on October 30, 2008
nthing "daily life with a person you super-dig online may not be as great".
nthing "tell him."
also tell him that you are glad for him and that you realize this is his dream job and that you are excited for him. which you probably are. make sure he hears that, and hears that first.
and maybe don't tell him anything more than he is important to you and that you hope you continue staying in touch and that while you know it will be hard you plan on making the effort to stay in touch. maybe that's all you need to tell him.
but also bringing up: if you tell him and he does not reciprocate he could withdraw completely from your life.
posted by micawber at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2008
nthing "tell him."
also tell him that you are glad for him and that you realize this is his dream job and that you are excited for him. which you probably are. make sure he hears that, and hears that first.
and maybe don't tell him anything more than he is important to you and that you hope you continue staying in touch and that while you know it will be hard you plan on making the effort to stay in touch. maybe that's all you need to tell him.
but also bringing up: if you tell him and he does not reciprocate he could withdraw completely from your life.
posted by micawber at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2008
Far better to risk rejection or diminished affection than to wonder - years hence - "what if?".
posted by aladfar at 10:44 AM on October 30, 2008
posted by aladfar at 10:44 AM on October 30, 2008
I side with all the people who say to tell him. Sure, there are risks, but without taking a risk you'll wonder "what if?" forever.
Also, please, for the love of God, post an update with what you decide to do and what happens!!!
I know you're anon, but I'm sure you can message a mod (or me) with your update if you wish to remain that way.
posted by tastybrains at 11:20 AM on October 30, 2008
Also, please, for the love of God, post an update with what you decide to do and what happens!!!
I know you're anon, but I'm sure you can message a mod (or me) with your update if you wish to remain that way.
posted by tastybrains at 11:20 AM on October 30, 2008
I say tell him. You can make your feelings clear without making a big declaration, and you have so much to gain.
I was in a similar situation, and had just decided that I was going to tell him how I felt before he left but I was not going to ask him out, when he called and asked me out on a date. All of my (valid) reasons for not going out with him flew out the window and I said yes, and we dated for about 6 weeks before he moved. About two months after he moved, he came to visit and we had the whole "Yeah, this might not be the most rational thing to do, but let's see if we can make this long distance thing work" conversation, and it's been working about a year and a half so far.
The difference was the he was moving to go back to school, so a few months after the "let's be exclusive" conversation but before the "I love you" conversation, I asked him, "So, what do you think you'll be doing after you're done with school?" and he was all, "Um, moving back here, duh," and I was all, "Ohthankgod!" And while it's really, really nice to have an end date, from my limited experience in long distance relationships, I'd say it's important to focus on the present rather than to keep on saying to yourself, "I only have to do this for x years and then..."
posted by amarynth at 11:33 AM on October 30, 2008
I was in a similar situation, and had just decided that I was going to tell him how I felt before he left but I was not going to ask him out, when he called and asked me out on a date. All of my (valid) reasons for not going out with him flew out the window and I said yes, and we dated for about 6 weeks before he moved. About two months after he moved, he came to visit and we had the whole "Yeah, this might not be the most rational thing to do, but let's see if we can make this long distance thing work" conversation, and it's been working about a year and a half so far.
The difference was the he was moving to go back to school, so a few months after the "let's be exclusive" conversation but before the "I love you" conversation, I asked him, "So, what do you think you'll be doing after you're done with school?" and he was all, "Um, moving back here, duh," and I was all, "Ohthankgod!" And while it's really, really nice to have an end date, from my limited experience in long distance relationships, I'd say it's important to focus on the present rather than to keep on saying to yourself, "I only have to do this for x years and then..."
posted by amarynth at 11:33 AM on October 30, 2008
You've already made up your mind. I don't know why you're asking us. It's going to drive you crazy until you tell him.
posted by desjardins at 12:23 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by desjardins at 12:23 PM on October 30, 2008
It sounds like you don't have a lot to lose. If you tell him and he doesn't return your feelings, then you don't have to see him for a while, if ever.
posted by easy_being_green at 1:15 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by easy_being_green at 1:15 PM on October 30, 2008
Communication is key. How can he make an informed decision if he doesn't know how you feel? Or, ten years from now do you really want to look back and wonder what might have happened?
posted by Silvertree at 1:40 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by Silvertree at 1:40 PM on October 30, 2008
Timing is rarely perfect - far better to try and make something happen than wait for a better time (which will likely never happen unless you make it happen).
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:24 PM on October 30, 2008
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:24 PM on October 30, 2008
Question is - what effect will the job have on the situation?
If you tell him *now*, are you wanting him not to take the 'dream job' so that he's in the same timezone more often?
Conversely, would you feel guilty if he *didn't* take the dream job in order to... be in the same time zone?
Depending on the answer to those questions - if he's really, really going to be taking the new job anyway, then congratulations! This was merely the step you needed to realise your feelings for him.
Then, from the purely practical standpoint of moving house/your permanent base, and the stress of taking on a new job - maybe wait until he's settled into the new situation for a few weeks, just a few weeks mind! In order for him to get over that initial stress. From similar situations in my own life, I wouldn't be wanting to associate the stress and upheaval of other changes in my life with a new relationship again... (not that it'd probably be that bad, but getting stressed out and telling someone you're interested that you just can't quite cope with this on top of everything right at the moment kind of sucks).
If telling him will have an impact on his decisions, then yes, tell him now.
posted by Elysum at 5:47 PM on October 30, 2008
If you tell him *now*, are you wanting him not to take the 'dream job' so that he's in the same timezone more often?
Conversely, would you feel guilty if he *didn't* take the dream job in order to... be in the same time zone?
Depending on the answer to those questions - if he's really, really going to be taking the new job anyway, then congratulations! This was merely the step you needed to realise your feelings for him.
Then, from the purely practical standpoint of moving house/your permanent base, and the stress of taking on a new job - maybe wait until he's settled into the new situation for a few weeks, just a few weeks mind! In order for him to get over that initial stress. From similar situations in my own life, I wouldn't be wanting to associate the stress and upheaval of other changes in my life with a new relationship again... (not that it'd probably be that bad, but getting stressed out and telling someone you're interested that you just can't quite cope with this on top of everything right at the moment kind of sucks).
If telling him will have an impact on his decisions, then yes, tell him now.
posted by Elysum at 5:47 PM on October 30, 2008
I'll read the other posts later. Tell him. And please clarify for MeFi what's the problem. You say you only see him 1/month as it is. Even if he takes the job, you can keep seeing him 1/month, or more.
Like the usual coy MeFi-er, you're euphemising about moving from "friendship" to "dating." "Dating" can be coffee a couple of times a month. You can do that even if he moves. So what are you really talking about? If you're really wishing to live together, or date at least twice a week, or start having sex during your monthly visit, say it right out loud, to us and to him. Be clear.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:13 PM on October 30, 2008
Like the usual coy MeFi-er, you're euphemising about moving from "friendship" to "dating." "Dating" can be coffee a couple of times a month. You can do that even if he moves. So what are you really talking about? If you're really wishing to live together, or date at least twice a week, or start having sex during your monthly visit, say it right out loud, to us and to him. Be clear.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:13 PM on October 30, 2008
I say don't tell him. If you end up missing him, you can do something about it then. If not, then just move on. Why burden someone with feelings you're not even sure of?
Also, I'm not clear on why you couldn't move to where he is/is going if you dig him so much? Why should the relocation/non-relocation burden fall on him?
posted by b_thinky at 2:38 AM on October 31, 2008
Also, I'm not clear on why you couldn't move to where he is/is going if you dig him so much? Why should the relocation/non-relocation burden fall on him?
posted by b_thinky at 2:38 AM on October 31, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Jobs are important, but you can work around 'em. Let him make the choice: long distance relationship and good job or stick around and maybe have a real relationship. Holding back from telling him is just going to become harder and harder if you don't do it now. Besides, how dumb are you going to feel two years from now when it finally comes out and he says, "if I'd know, I would have stayed..."?
posted by paanta at 7:55 AM on October 30, 2008