Should I ask her out?

April 3, 2008 1:02 PM

Relationship filter: So I am a freshmen in college and I really want to ask this girl out on a date, but I think there could be some issues with our lifestyles. She is a party all night long sleep all day kinda person and I am a more party for a while with friends then go relax at home. more inside.

I am fairly certain she is an alcoholic and I don't drink very often. Thats not to say I don't enjoy drunk people. Most of the people I work with get drunk after work while we are hanging out. She has told me she likes to get drunk every single night. I'm sure I would to if I didn't have the huge class load that come from civil engineering. Other than the whole drinking thing we get along extremely well. We alway talk about things that make other people uncomfortable without even flinching and I think she might have been sending a few signals that she might like me too. So oh great hive mind of metafilter, please help me. should I ask her out or are we just too different?

private email if you so choose: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

doood, just go hang with her and hit her up when you get the chance

don't need to be all going out every night getting wasted or anything
posted by Salvatorparadise at 1:06 PM on April 3

Sure, ask her out on a date. You'll get more dating experience and learn sooner than later that dating an opposite probably won't work. (Might be a fun date but she doesn't seem like your type, from what youv'e said about sleep/party/alcohol preferences. Just don't get your hopes up.
posted by Happydaz at 1:08 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

So, she likes to drink every night, and you would like to drink every night, except for your heavy workload?

Based only on what you've said, I don't think you're too different.
posted by box at 1:09 PM on April 3

you are nowhere near too different, and i'm not really seeing a downside. it might not work out, but it'll definitely not work out if you don't try it. really, you've nothing to lose, as long as you don't wind up adopting all of her worst habits.
posted by mumkin at 1:19 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

You don't seem troubled by her drinking, but use the word alcoholic. What's up with that? If she's got a problem and is being self-destructive, you should try to help her as a friend before you complicate things with dating.

If, on the other hand, if you just mean to say she drinks more than you but doesn't have a problem (in which case, why use the word alcoholic? that's not cool), then go ahead and try dating. Differences make things interesting.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:21 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

Forgive me by being frank:

fuck it!
you're a freshman in college. tons of freshmen like to drink often.
try something new, ask her out.

best,
Not-Frank
posted by blastrid at 1:26 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

If she is also a freshman, or just a college student, um, that is when people rebel for the first time. or they change the most they are going to in college. i don't think that is really the time to encapsulate someone as how they are. many people get tired of it very quickly.
posted by Amby72 at 1:27 PM on April 3

if you were 30, you would be too different. but you are 18, and in 4 years you won't even recognize yourselves anymore. so don't get stuck on differences right now. you're both so malleable, there are very few dealbreakers. raping kittens, or whatever, sure. drinking? nah. if you're otherwise compatible, you'll find a happy medium.

besides, she may be going out all night because she's bored and doesn't have a better reason to go back home at night. maybe you'll give her that reason.
posted by thinkingwoman at 1:29 PM on April 3

You're totally over thinking this. Go out on a date with her. Determine if your china pattern preferences (and yes, lifestyle preferences) mesh later.
posted by arnicae at 1:29 PM on April 3

I am a freshmen in college and I really want to ask this girl out on a date...

OK, that's the only part of your question we need to know. You could have deleted the rest of your question and just posted that, and the answer would be the same.

You want to ask this girl out on a date. The solution is: ask this girl out on a date. Problem solved.

Will you be compatible? Well, you'll have a better idea of that once you've ... gone on a date with her.

And to echo others' reponses, you're a college student, so ruling out people who drink a lot is probably not a great approach if you want to meet people.
posted by jejune at 1:34 PM on April 3

Yes, ask her out. And I am a little confused by your comments about her drinking too (she's an alcoholic/I would drink that much too but I have too much work/etc.)

In my experience, drinking all night every night freshman year of college is not alcoholism, it's simply standard operating procedure. In fact, unless she's blowing off every class to booze alone in her room, I strongly doubt she's anything close to an alcoholic.
posted by rooftop secrets at 1:46 PM on April 3

Let's cut to the heart of the matter: You want to get her in bed. You are in college and you're both enjoying relative independence in different ways. This isn't a time to overthink things. You can compromise on activities after you get the important issue figured out. One-night stands are infinitely less embarassing than prolonged, awkard friendship, especially if you become the dude that just sort of hovers around and becomes critical of her drinking.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:52 PM on April 3

Cart before the horse. Ask her out, learn more about her, then decide if it is a problem. Keep it in mind though.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:15 PM on April 3

This is not a great place to ask this question because some Mefi-ites, including those who went to college, will project their fantasies of college onto your real dilemma. This may pollute your perception.

Ask her on a date if and only if it feels right -- if you feel that both of you are ready for that. Don't try and over-think it, making up reasons why you're compatible or why you aren't. Just try to be there for her, and look for a window of opportunity.
posted by Laugh_track at 2:19 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

Try new things -- Have her take you out on a bender / all-nighter / whatever. It doesn't even have to be a (traditional, with flowers, annoying dinner) date. It can be a hangout. "Hi, I've been working really hard and you said that last weekend you went out and raged. Can I tag along this weekend? ... I would love to blow off some steam." You might find you like cavorting at all hours.

Oh, and when you take all of our advice and get this going: DON'T TALK AT ALL about your civil engineering course load, how all of the guys you know are in the lab / at home studying / not peering down the dresses of smartly dressed 18-year-olds (ok, I'm projecting my fantasy, as Laugh_track notes). And don't talk about how weird it is that you're doing body shots at 3 am. Just smile a lot and go with the flow.
posted by zpousman at 2:55 PM on April 3

she may just be saying she likes getting drunk every day because she thinks that's what college-aged men want to hear or that's her circle of friends or... the point is, hang out with her one-on-one and see what happens. maybe she just uses alcohol as a social lubriant. do something with her where you can't get drunk (e.g. outdoors for a long period) and see how it goes.
posted by hulahulagirl at 3:00 PM on April 3

I remember a lot of drinking in college simply b/c there was nothing else to do. We were trapped in a small town and weren't allowed to have cars. Looking back I regret it- not in some preachy 'I had a problem' way, but just b/c it was boring and a waste of time and youth: sitting in a room with five other guys and a keg when there was a whole world outside.

Ask her on a traditional date if you want- go to the park, dinner and movie, whatever. Just b/c she likes to go out and drink doesn't mean she wouldn't like that too.

for the record, to hit [someone] up means to contact them, not to sleep with them, as seems to be implied above
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:24 PM on April 3

The point of dating is to see if you will be compatible as a couple. Go on a few dates and see if it works. If so, great; if not, hopefully you'll figure that out early on.

Let's cut to the heart of the matter: You want to get her in bed.
Totally unfair assumption, Inspector.Gadget.
posted by easy_being_green at 3:34 PM on April 3

You won't know until you go out with her, so just ask her out. Maybe she's partying in the hopes of finding a guy like you! Stop thinking and start doing...you'll be fine!
posted by kenzi23 at 7:35 PM on April 3

Totally unfair assumption, Inspector.Gadget.

He criticizes her personality and lifestyle quite openly in the OP. Where does that leave him?
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:57 AM on April 4