Should I be blunt?

February 7, 2008 3:23 PM

Is it rude to ask to come along with a group you weren't invited to?

I'm a college student at The College of New Jersey. I love my professors and classes, etc, and the rooms are decent enough. However, there is not much of a nearby town in busing/walking distance, unless you count Trenton, which is way too dangerous for me.

Going off campus is great, but freshmen aren't allowed to own cars, except in a few special cases. I can't afford a car, so it's a moot point for me. However, there is a group on my floor who like to go down to Princeton or other places nearby for fun, and two of the freshmen with them legally keep their cars on campus thanks to special circumstances. I'd like to join them, but it seems like I'm never around when they're setting up their plans. And when they are talking about their plans, they seem to assume I don't want to come along. I'm from the other side of the hall, they all have more or less neighboring rooms.

I don't think they're deliberately trying to exclude me, although that is a possibility. I'm not too good at reading into what other people think. I've been thinking about straight out asking them if I could come along some time, or ask them to invite me along. Would that be rude? I've tried dropping subtle hints from time to time, like recommending good movies at the indie theater in Princeton, telling them about good shops in Princeton (I live near Princeton, the vast majority of my dates in high school were spent at Palmer Square), mentioning that I really like the sound of the places they find, or that I'd like to stop by the Princeton Record Exchange. None of them know the Princeton area, so with them, it's blind luck when they try out a place. They don't seem to get the hint.

I have trouble hanging out with them on campus because I'm kind of introverted and shy, while they're really expressive and extroverted. I like them, but I don't know if they really like hanging out with me. Thus, I don't really see them going down to my room and inviting me, as they sometimes did with my former roommate (I think one of the girls had a crush on him, although he didn't seem to like her back). However, all I really want is to just get off campus and go somewhere other than the Quaker Bridge mall for once! I'm not trying to be their best friend or anything, I just want to get off campus.

posted by mccarty.tim to human relations (22 answers total)

Just ask. A closed mouth don't get fed.

Ask if you can come with them, or if they can let you know the next time they are going. Worst thing that happens is they say no.....or they say yes and ignore you - but if either of those things happens, they're not worth being friends with anyway.
posted by gnutron at 3:26 PM on February 7, 2008

I'm not trying to be their best friend or anything, I just want to get off campus.

If that's the case, then why not just ask if you can catch a ride off campus next time they go? Offer a few dollars for gas, and go on your merry way.
posted by headspace at 3:26 PM on February 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

You're overthinking it. Just ask them if they would ask you to come along next time they plan something, because you want to get off campus.
posted by herbaliser at 3:26 PM on February 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

You're in college. Make social gaffes. It's fine to ask.
posted by spec80 at 3:28 PM on February 7, 2008

Is there anyone in that group you could single out and become better friends with? It'll be much easier to get an invite, and in my experience, people usually join "the group" because they're friends with someone "inside".
posted by piper4 at 3:28 PM on February 7, 2008

I would maybe first test the waters by saying you'd like to hang out with them on one of their upcoming outings (in genereal, not on a specific occasion) and see how they respond. I'd then stress that it sounds like fun and that you can maybe show them some spots while you're out (and NOT stress using them to get the f--- off campus).
posted by p3t3 at 3:30 PM on February 7, 2008

I think the fact that you just want to catch a ride, rather than necessarily impose yourself on their social activities, allows you to approach this as a business transaction. As headspace says, offer them a few bucks for gas if they'll take you along on their next trip. Then they'll have the option to invite you to hang out with them, or just to let you go off on your own and meet back at some predetermined time. Spending time in the enclosed space of the car will give you an opportunity to get to know them better, too.
posted by fermion at 3:38 PM on February 7, 2008

Nope, not rude. Just be confident and friendly and don't overly worry about what they think of you. FWIW, you sound like a nice person and I'll bet they won't mind at all.

That said, you mustn't always count on other people to make plans and reach out to include you; sometimes, you must reach out to others and include them.

I expect that some protocol hard-liners will comment in this thread soon to contradict me. Pre-emptively, protocol is always flexible to its environment. Among freshmen in a college dorm, this isn't rude.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 3:39 PM on February 7, 2008

Oh; and I interpret the question as more than a "business transaction"; the OP (correct me if I'm wrong) wants to hang out with them a bit.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 3:41 PM on February 7, 2008

You should definitely just ask them straight out if they can give you a ride next time they're heading out for an evening.

Hang on though: freshmen aren't allowed to own cars, except in a few special cases.

WTF? Why does the college care? And why does being a sophomore or senior make them not care?
posted by tonylord at 3:54 PM on February 7, 2008

tonylord - the poster's school probably doesn't care who owns a car, but probably does care who is allowed to park one on campus. I'm guessing that's what the poster means.
posted by handful of rain at 3:58 PM on February 7, 2008

Somewhat related, previously: Ask vs Guess culture.
posted by -harlequin- at 4:08 PM on February 7, 2008

There is life outside Quaker Bridge Mall. Show them.

And make sure they don't just go to Market Fair instead.
posted by oaf at 4:27 PM on February 7, 2008

So I went to TCNJ and have a lot to say about this. Get off the floor.

There is this weird vibe at TCNJ that makes it seem like the people on your floor should be your friends for the next four years. Sure the CAs try and build community and many do a good job but just because you were randomly put with 50 other people does not mean you need to be their friend.

If you insist on trying to be friends with people you don't really click with over the next four years you 'friends' will just end up getting clickly as they stop hanging out with the people they never should have been friends with in the first place.

Get off the floor. This is what campus organizations are for. Find people with like minds and be friends with them. The College Union Board was great for me but there is a large number of organizations that are very active on campus.

What do you want to do off campus? There really isn't anything to do beside hang out with people. Unless your trying to get to the Mall or Halo there is no awesome social place to go.

So go to Campus Life and find a club full of awesome people. If you need help picking a club talk to the head of campus activities Tim Asher and tell him I sent you (Stefan Hayden).

Good luck TCNJ is an awesome place if you meet the right people and a drag if you insist on hanging out with the people TCNJ put you on the same floor with.
posted by STHayden at 4:30 PM on February 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

You have to hang out with them before a trip for them to want you to come along. In all honesty, just befriend one of the group members and if you mesh nicely, they'll invite you. I hate it when people invite themselves along when I'm going somewhere with a friend or two, it gets awkward, I have a hard time saying no on the spot, so they usually come along but it it gets a bit uncomfortable.

Then again, if you just want a ride, ask away!
posted by 913 at 4:31 PM on February 7, 2008

@Harlequin: That's a really interesting way of looking at it. I did grow up in a house that was very much "Guess Culture." My mom came from Missouri, and I can tell that in her side of the family, people aren't very assertive. Rather, they tend to hint a lot at what they want, as they feel asking is imposing. My mom acts very much the same way, and she often complains that "New Jersey people just can't take a hint!" I guess it's hard to transition from what works best with my mom to what other people expect.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:59 PM on February 7, 2008

next time they mention something, say, "wow, that sounds like fun!" or "oh, i read about that. it sounds like it's worth checking out." anyone with half a brain cell will follow up with, "we're going on tuesday. come with us!"

and if they don't, then you can just diffuse any embarrassment by saying, "well, be sure to tell me how it was."
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:13 PM on February 7, 2008

Not only get off the floor--explore Trenton already. It's not as scary as you think it is, and there's some interesting stuff there.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:40 PM on February 7, 2008

I like STHayden's idea -- find some other introverts.

This is, though, a good opportunity to practice some social skills, depending on how severe your shyness is. If you're very introverted, you tend to read more than you interact, whereas your extraverted colleagues will look for more outward expressions. They might just think you're not interested in hanging out with them because they haven't perceived any social cues that you've given them -- it wouldn't hurt to offer to show them some of the cooler places in Princeton. I think something like "If you want to know the cool places to check out in Princeton, I could be your tour guide for some of the more local spots."

If they then come to you asking "Hey, what was that place you recommended?" and then don't invite you, then screw 'em.
posted by spiderskull at 10:36 PM on February 7, 2008

I'd say your not getting invited, cause they don't really consider you a friend. Sorry. But yeah I think the other posters are right about asking for a ride (not to hang out) or befriending an individual in the group if you really want to be a part of it.

But yeah I've had plenty of social problems throughout my life and though I like to accept responsibility in my life as much as possible, I found that it wasn't just me it was the other people I was trying to befriend. It wasn't until I found my proper group of people that I realized that those other people just weren't for me.
posted by bindasj at 12:16 AM on February 8, 2008

It's only rude if you're annoying, and since you were mannered enough to even ask the question, I'm guessing you're not in that category.
posted by brandnew at 5:57 PM on February 8, 2008

"....explore Trenton already. It's not as scary as you think it is, and there's some interesting stuff there."

No, it really is that scary, and it's gotten alot worse in the last few years. I've been a Mercer County resident for 20 years- Trenton was never great, but it once had something to offer to the surrounding communities. Now with record murder rates in the last few years, and a very real gang problem- it's basically a no man's land. Last year, bullets literally landed inside the one 'cool' bar that had a usual crowd- Joe's Mill Hill Saloon. The one honest-to-god, legendary Trenton venue, City Gardens, has been shuttered for a DECADE. Recent efforts to get SOMETHING culturally happening have failed- clubs like the Conduit and Urban Word lasted a couple years each before folding, changing owners several times in the process.

I'd love nothing more for the city to get it's act together- for the moment, it's a fucking SKIP- probably worse than Baltimore and on its way to rivaling Detroit.

Sorry to OT the hell out of an old ass thread, had to get that in there.
posted by tremspeed at 4:49 PM on February 24, 2008