How do you... give gifts?

December 13, 2007 6:48 PM

How can I become a great giver of gifts?

Some people seem to have a supernatural ability to come up with the perfect gift, time and again. You know the type - the one person whose gift you always look forward to unwrapping.

Is this a skill that can be learned? What, in your opinion, are the characteristics of a top-notch giver? I'm not interested in those who simply gratify the recipient's desires - I'm interested in those who surpass expectations; whose gifts open new doors, surprise, and delight! How do you do that?

There are hundreds of previous questions looking for gift ideas for a specific person, but what is the underlying skill that all of us clueless givers lack? How can I become a great giver of gifts?

posted by violinflu to society & culture (22 comments total)

I have been a good gift giver. What makes me different? I think and buy throughout the year. I also try as hard as possible to remember specific interests of people.
posted by k8t at 6:56 PM on December 13, 2007

Every time I see something somebody likes or I come up with an idea, I write it down. I try to note little things, little details and preferences of a person and tailor the idea to that. Now I have a little file of potential gifts for friends and family. I wouldn't call myself an A+ #1 gift-giver, but this way I never blank on what to give someone.
posted by schroedinger at 6:59 PM on December 13, 2007

Moleskine is your friend. Take names. Take notes. Then, in November, take action.
posted by seawallrunner at 7:11 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I try not to feel like I have to be utterly original every time I give a gift. My mom and dad, for example, lead a really active lifestyle, and she loves fleece and other warm garments that are quarter zip or full zip. I look for things in that kind of family but maybe with some interesting twist that makes it a better item - wicking layer attached, neat pockets, whatever. She's always happy about getting one of these because she is always wearing them out. If I got her the SAME zippy fleece and/or other warm/layering fabric thing every year, it would suck - so I don't give them *every* year, but I give them often because she needs them. Notice a need or a want, even if it is a recurring one, and find a way to do something special with that need or want. That's how I think of it.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:12 PM on December 13, 2007

Actually, most of my favorite gifts have come off my wishlists. I have at least a hundred things on them at Amazon, so I still get a surprise. Buying something that someone wants is always nice. But yes, really know what the person likes.
posted by IndigoRain at 7:26 PM on December 13, 2007

I think you can overdue gift giving, trying to 'open their eyes to something new' often results in failure. IMHO, the trick is getting the gift that arises from a casual mention or discussion well in the past. Listening to people when then mention likes & dislikes and keeping track of that is the key.

Seems to me the trick is getting people things that you know they want, that they never asked for directly.
posted by Argyle at 7:29 PM on December 13, 2007

getting the obvious out of the way: The better you know the recipient, the better your gifts will be.

I think for me, part of it is that I can sometimes find things that people really like - but until they unwrapped it, had no idea such a thing even existed. This is often made possible because I have odd interests, which forces me to search far and wide merely to find things for my own interests, and along the way I'll often stumble on things that I notice are quite nice, but are totally not my kind of thing. So assemble a vast mental catalogue of all these things in the world with merit. (It won't be that vast - 90% of everything is shit (very conservative figure). Non-shit is rare and notable. :-)

Shop in a mall, by contrast, and you're hard pressed to find anything that people don't know about. The internet is a goldmine of things too eclectic for brick and mortar stores.

Another part (maybe) is a bit of an asshole attitude - I don't buy people what they (think they) want, I buy them what I think they should have. You seem have to clued on this bit :)

Another part not to be overlooked how many you have to buy for. When I'm rushed and/or have a lot of people to buy for, everyone gets boring gifts :-/
posted by -harlequin- at 7:29 PM on December 13, 2007

I agree with k8t. I shop through the entire year. When I travel, if I see something that reminds me of someone, I buy it and take it home with me. If I'm somewhere interesting and I might never be there again, I buy whatever makes me think of a friend or loved one. I've got an entire "gift" closet that I store things in so that when the time comes for birthdays or Christmas I'm prepared.

I also pay keen attention to my friends and family, and their passions. Sometimes just the slightest off-hand comment about a new interest can lead to the perfect surprise.
posted by librarianamy at 7:32 PM on December 13, 2007

Harlequin - interesting! So, perhaps the ideal gift giver has a certain degree of arrogance...? I hear you, Argyle, when say that trying to open their eyes to something new often results in failure. Could you improve your odds if that "something new" were not something completely out of left field, but somehow related to the recipient's current interests, but perhaps presenting them in a new context? Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful suggestions - please keep them coming! (I'm putting them all in my moleskin!)
posted by violinflu at 7:45 PM on December 13, 2007

My friends and family say that I give great gifts. There is probably a method you can learn. I'll tell you what I do.

1. I love to give gifts...you seem to want to, so that's a start

2. don't try to give someone something that they are really into; for example, if the person is an avid fisherman you can never get them a piece of gear that is exactly what they want unless you are also an avid fisherman; if you want to support their interests get a gift certificate at a store you know they like where they can get the gear they really want. If the person loves movies, you probably can't find the perfect movie for them, but you could get them something that supports that interest like a projector or a book of movie reviews.

3. I am always on the lookout for gifts for people so if I see something I want to get them later, I note it down; I used to have a field in my address book for that, but I got lazy and stopped doing it that way. If I read about a CD/DVD/book I cut out the review and write the person's name on it and throw it in my "gift" file, same with any notes I write for gift ideas; I also make sure I have several ideas for each person so that I have options if their interests change or I see that they already got that book.

4. I keep my ears open for what my friends and family are into and keep track, feeding that info back into my other activities where I might come across gifts.

5. I really like giving gifts and I like that people like my gifts so all of that motivates me to keep it up year round.
posted by kenzi23 at 8:00 PM on December 13, 2007

I do not keep lists, nor do I keep track of people's interests except in a general way. What I do is I frequent places with interesting stuff for sale, like holiday markets, artists outlets anywhere you'll find handmade items, unique art and the unusual.
If, for example, I know someone drinks wine and I see a cork puller with a beautiful hand made top, then that's a natural gift.
I look for the unique or striking. You'll seldom see me at malls or stores with mass market produced goods. I don't shop for high end or low end. I shop for striking, perceptive, original or snarky. Also practical, enduring and with some utility if possible though stuff that is simply good looking or interesting to look at is high on the hit list.
Most people give gifts to have major deficits in the art department. They don't indulge in it for themselves, or if they do it veers toward the kitschy or mundane. If I can spice up their lives with something original I almost always find it works as a gift.
I also shop with my intuition coupled to my senses. I might circle around for awhile, judging and weighing different items until I find one that fits my aesthetic for beauty, utility and price.
I like giving my gifts except it's a little sad in that no one in my circle has my gift for finding cool stuff that's useful or beautiful like I do, so I end up getting stuff in return that seems mundane to me, but that's cool.
posted by D-ten at 8:28 PM on December 13, 2007

I don't buy people what they (think they) want, I buy them what I think they should have.

I think you have to be really careful with this line of thinking. My MIL gets me what she thinks I should have and it's always (for 13 long years) been horrible. I have a friend who does the same thing but always hits it out of the park. The difference? He listens to me and knows what I like, she doesn't.

One more thing: I don't always base a gift's worth on whether or not I like it. If I'm sure the recipient will love it, I'll buy it even if I loathe it.
posted by cooker girl at 9:13 PM on December 13, 2007

The best gifts I've gotten have always been based around a special skill of the giver's. For example, my sister is a woodworker, and it's exciting for me to get something that she made out of wood for me, because it's something that she is awesome at, so they end up being beautiful, and it's from and made by someone I love. Other examples: a cassette tape, with a song a musically-inclined boyfriend wrote about me. A long letter from someone who knows you, loves you, and also has a way with words.

Of course, this depends on where your skills happen to lie and your confidence in sharing them with others. However, they don't have to be such concrete, artistic-type skills-- for example, an interesting record picked out by someone who knows what kind of music I am interested in and happens to know more about it than I. Some homemade preserves from someone interested in cooking.

This goes along with what kenzi23 was saying about not trying to give gifts entirely based around interests the recipient has and you don't, since you probably won't be successful at picking something out. Working from your own strengths is the most sensible way, I think, unless you're giving a gift to someone you have absolutely nothing in common with-- I just don't think that is usually the case, even when it seems that way.
posted by ITheCosmos at 10:05 PM on December 13, 2007

My husband is an awesome gift giver, which puts a LOT of pressure on me to come up with something good. I've gotten better over the years, but still lack the easy flair that comes so easy for him...

Some thoughts:
-pay attention and note (mentally or with a physical note) the interest that someone expressed in whatever item or fancy struck them. Training myself to remember and work off small comments in normal coversations is what helped me the most I think.
-Think outside the box and try to get exposed to as much non-standard gift-like stuff as possible. For me, that's going to the comic book store, the craft fair, the tech convention, the yard sale, etc. throughout the year and picking up stuff that would make good gifts for my loved ones. Or use those opportunities to note a "class" of stuff that would be good for gifts.
-Like cooker girl said, don't worry so much about if you like the item or not. What counts is if the other person would like it.
-It's an ongoing process. Just learn from your mistakes and make it one of the things that you consciously work on, and you will continue to get better at it.
posted by gemmy at 10:18 PM on December 13, 2007

I'm a good gift-giver, so much so that I get performance anxiety over fulfilling my reputation!

I say buy gifts that are treats for people. What they wouldn't buy for themselves, sure, but also things they might not know exist, or luxuries. That means useless junk a lot of the time. Practical is a bad word, here. Personalized gifts are always great. Don't hold too tight to a budget. Feel free to go over or under on gifts. Anytime you see something super cool, maybe when you're debating whether you want to buy it, go over who you could give it to in your head. Also, keeping a list is brilliant. I know eight things my SO wants that he's mentioned and probably forgotten all about, just in time for Christmas!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:39 PM on December 13, 2007

Lots of good advice already. Let me just add this:

Wander idly.

Is there a street where you live where you can walk from store to store? If so, there's no better place to happen on a great gift. Idly browsing in a bookstore (or library) is another great way to find a gift.

Even if you don't find something, idly wandering should at least spark some ideas.
posted by Kattullus at 11:10 PM on December 13, 2007

notice what they mess up all the time, and buy a gift to cleverly and easily fix it.

a couple examples:

one friend is an avid gadget geek & traveller, and he tends to forget chargers in hotel rooms. i have travelled with him, and watched him throw 8 chargers together in a bag, so that amidst the jumble, he could never notice if something was missing. on every single trip he'd lose a charger, it was getting out of hand. so i bought him one of these because i knew it would perfectly fit all eight of his chargers, and so snugly that he'd be able to see at a glance if one was missing. he opened it all like, "huh, thanks", and then wrote me an enthusiastic thank you email from his next road trip when he realized why i picked it.

another friend is a ladies' man, and therefore constantly needs mood lighting, but thinks candles are lame because it's so cheesy and casanova-ish to light a candle for a one-night stand. having house-sit his place, i'd observed that his only bedroom light source was a harsh reading lamp. oh, and he's kind of a hippie. so i bought him one of these, which fits into his weird eclectic hippie apartment, and gives the effect of candlelight with the flick of a switch. again, he unwrapped it and said "oh, thanks," and then called me the morning after his next tryst to rhapsodize about how nice the flattering pink light was and how the lady complimented it.

my best girlfriend is a cheapskate, has no tv and a crappy computer, and has an excellent sense of humour. knew she'd love NBC's the office-- but she has no way to ever see the series as she'd never buy it, probably wouldn't remember to rent it, couldn't watch it on tv, and couldn't download it. so i bought her a box set. she freaked out. it was a much more expensive gift than we'd ever gotten each other before, but she was having a rough year and i figured she deserved some john krasinski.

my boyfriend is one of those guys who buys everything he wants as soon as he wants it, so he's hard to shop for. but i noticed that he tends to lose track of friends if they don't interact on a daily basis. so for his last birthday, i got him some little gifts, but the main gift was that i threw him a bigass surprise party and wrangled 50 of his friends. and for christmas? among other things, bacon chocolate bars. twistofrhyme knows how to please her man.

anyway, those gifts went over really well, and i think it's because i ID'd a minor annoyance in a person's life and solved it in a way that fixed the problem without being didactic. maybe i'm a little over-practical, but those friends were all really into those gifts.

other rules of thumb:
avoid buying gifts at the mall (unless it's a book or DVD).
interesting experiences and really useful objects make much better gifts than knicknacks (knicknacks are clutter, and clutter is stressful!)
buy gifts all year round when you see them, and save em for the right time.
metafilter is a kickass resource for gifts. y'all know a LOT of cool stuff!
there's cool stuff on etsy, too.
don't buy something related to a person's career or special hobby, unless you share it- your layman's knowledge won't get to the heart of their interest. (don't buy a professional illustrator a prepackaged set of acrylic paints!)
there are some things everyone needs- so if all else fails, you can shop online to find cool versions. a really nice pen, interesting flavoured toothpaste, a really good pillow, or even just an upscale version of whatever treat they already like. just pay attention and never underestimate the power of google-fu!
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:11 PM on December 13, 2007 [4 favorites]

Try to get a sense of the person's general aesthetic and taste. Take note of the things she or he buys for themselves and for their household - favourite colours, favourite styles, general decorating scheme. Does the person like modern or traditional styles? Pastels or bright colours? Then if you're buying something that will be worn it really, really helps if you know how to pick out things that suit the person - if you're good at picking flattering colours and styles, and of course if you're a good judge of sizes.

For instance, my mother is a petite, prim, traditional woman. When I buy her jewellery, I'm not going to buy big bold pieces because they wouldn't suit her and she wouldn't like them. I've bought her a rose-coloured cameo brooch set in garnets on silver, and a necklace of slightly pinkish suspended pearls on a silver chain. She really loved both pieces because they were simple enough that she could wear them with many of her clothes, yet different enough to be distinctive. If I'm buying clothes for my dad, I stick with very basic comfortable, practical pieces, because this is a man who refused to wear a burgundy shirt my mother bought him because he claimed it was pink — and also he routinely wrecks his clothes in his woodworking shop. This Christmas he's getting a gray-blue T-shirt and a black leather belt. Another consideration with him is that he has a severe case of rheumatoid arthritis, so I knit him cardigans he can get in and out of easily and socks because the handmade ones give his poor feet more cushioning.

To be a good gift giver you have to be good at filing away all these little bits of information concerning special needs, tastes, sizes, interests, and matters of practicality mentally, and then it all sort of synthesizes in your brain until you can look at something, even if it's just a photo album, and immediately think to yourself, "That's perfect for so-and-so," or "No, that won't do." Your gift giving ability will evolve with experience and as you get to know each person better, so give it time.
posted by orange swan at 9:30 AM on December 14, 2007

The main trick is in being constantly conscious of the possibility of giving a gift. Gifts don't magically come to awesome gift givers when they're looking through the mall. Well, sometimes. But not often.

Let me give you some examples of various awesome gifts I have gotten for people over the years:

This year, for my mother, a huge Christmas Story fan, I'm getting the "lost" Jean Shepherd movies on DVD from sheptapes.com, a site I ended up finding in a roundabout way through metafilter.

Three years ago, for my sister, who I always called a "mutant" as a kid (ok, I was mean) I bought a frog from a mall stand that sold little tiny frogs. But it was not just ANY frog. Oh, no. It was a six legged frog. He was the "mascot" of the little kiosk, and I had to bargain the hell out of the proprietor to get him.

This year, for my father's birthday -- he loves old science periodicals -- a giant assortment of Scientific American magazines that I got for free from the library sale at my university, including his birth month magazine, plus a bag of potato chips in a flavor discontinued in his area but not in mine.

These gifts were all gotten because I am constantly aware of my family and friends whenever I go somewhere (physically or online) and aware of their likes and dislikes. My father and mother both talk to their friends and co-workers about what an amazing gift-giver I am, but I often spend a lot less money than other people in my family who are considered terrible gift-givers.
posted by InnocentBystander at 10:40 AM on December 14, 2007

I am not one of the people you describe - I panic at the last minute and rely on Amazon prime to safe my bacon, usually.

But I have one thing to suggest when it comes to finding out somebody's taste for a particular type of item. I had an ex who's jewelry taste baffled me. I finally sat her down at the computer, and we spent about 45 minutes looking at as much jewelry as we could. She told me what she liked, loved, and hated for the first fifteen minutes, and then I started guessing. I was getting it right about 85% of the time by the end, and closer to 95% if you eliminate the distinctions between like/love and dislike/hate.

Getting people to show you what specific things in a category they like, love, and hate (and explaining why, occasionally) is an enormous help to getting the knack for matching their tastes, even generally.
posted by averyoldworld at 12:06 PM on December 14, 2007

Somebody beat me to it -- "avoid buying gifts at the mall" is solid advice.
posted by kmennie at 1:52 PM on December 14, 2007

Do your Christmas shopping all year long, says Leslie.
posted by endquote at 9:41 PM on December 14, 2007