How do I let him know I'm interested?

November 19, 2007 11:45 AM

How do I go about hitting on (and sleeping with) a man with whom I have an unequal power relationship?

(Asking anonymously because too many people in my program use AskMe and I'd like to keep this on the down low.)

Background: I am working toward my Master's in a relatively small program at a relatively large university. It's a two year program, and I am in my first year. He's a professor in my program. I currently have him for class, but will not next semester, although I may in the future.

Simply put, I am incredibly attracted to him and I want to have sex with him. I have no idea how to initiate this, or anything, with this man. A few things:

1. This is in absolutely no way related to my grade. I'm getting an A in the class I have with him and don't need any help in that department.

2. He has gone through a divorce within the last year or so. His wife lives in a different state.

3. I live with my significant other. Before you get on your moral high-horse, we have a quietly open relationship. Quietly means that nobody knows that it's an open relationship. It's just easier that way. I would prefer to keep it that way.

4. He is about 15 or so years older than me. The age difference doesn't bother me.

5. I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship with this man. I just want to have unannounced casual sex with him.

My gut reaction is to start inviting him out for coffee or other such things (it's very normal for students in my graduate program to socialize in such ways with their professors), and see if I can subtly let him know I'd be interested. But I'm not so good at being subtle, and I'm not so good at picking up signals that other people are giving off.

The question, then, is how can I let him know I'd be interested in sleeping with him, without crossing any sexual harassment lines? Is it too sticky of a situation to even attempt? What would you do?

As a side note, please avoid moral judgments about me, the situation, or my relationship. They're unwanted and unwelcome, unless they somehow relate to this specific situation.

throw away email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (48 answers total)

Is it too sticky of a situation to even attempt?

If he's currently your prof and may be your prof next year, yeah.

What would you do?

If I were you? Wait until I was finished the program, then proposition him directly. Few single men will turn down a NSA romp with a younger woman.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 11:54 AM on November 19, 2007

If you may have a class with him in the future, you're playing with potential fire. While you may be intending just sex, he may develop other ideas and you're a student of his again, it might become an awkward situation.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:57 AM on November 19, 2007

The sexual harassment lines work the other way, to protect vulnerable students from profs. A man will not bring the political machine to bear against a younger woman offering herself to him. At coffee, take him up on the pretext to come back to his house to see his etchings, it will proceed smoothly from there.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:59 AM on November 19, 2007

yeah, you may just want sex, but if he's rebounding after a divorce, he might decide he's in love with you. gotta be careful with the rebound.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2007

This is by no means a moral judgment, but all the postgraduate women I know who slept with a faculty member have regretted it due to the ensuing politics in the department.
posted by grouse at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2007

Oh dear heavens, the TOO STICKY siren is blazing like mad.

There's a chance nothing would go wrong, but that chance probably doesn't outweigh how very, very terribly things could go wrong. At the very least, it could make interaction with him in the future pretty awkward, and awkwardness can certainly hurt your education.

It isn't worth it. He can't be that attractive that your desire to have sex overpowers your desire to get a good, unbiased, unawkward, respected MA. I don't care at all about morality; the concern here is just all the many ways that sexual interaction in this situation could lead to very bad consequences for you. Again, it's not worth it.

Go with ten pounds of inedita's advice and wait until you have your degree and are no longer this guy's student.
posted by Ms. Saint at 12:04 PM on November 19, 2007

Has he indicated sexual interest in you?

I know we're all supposed to think that men will leap at the chance to bang anything that moves, but I think it's at least possible that this gentleman would feel super-uncomfortable - as I know I would! - if someone he has a professional type of relationship with propositioned him.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 12:09 PM on November 19, 2007

Just be aware that for him, this can be a nuclear bomb, so don't be surprised if he says no. Sleeping with a student, whose academic sucess depends on you, is one of the surest ways to get dismissed, tenure or no.
posted by bonehead at 12:09 PM on November 19, 2007

Your school may have a policy about this, and if it does, the policy is likely to say something like that professors shouldn't have sex with students.

Although it's always hot to know you're love/lust is "forbidden," your prof may be more concerned about his job than about getting off with a student. You should probably find out if there is such a policy at your school. If yes, lay off the poor guy - he doesn't need the extra heartache. If no, proceed with seduction plan (coffee > drinks > ??)
posted by jasper411 at 12:15 PM on November 19, 2007

Many places it's a violation of academic policy for faculty to be involved with a student, and I think it's almost universally so when it's a professor and a current student - so keep in mind it might not just be innocent fun - you might hurt his career. I knew a professor who lost his job eventually just from the fallout over a drunken suggestive comment at a party.

Both cases I knew of in my grad school program of a student having a quiet (or attempting to have a quiet) fling with a professor resulted in weirdness and hard feelings all around. Also, as others have said, never underestimate the potential ugliness of the rebound.
posted by aught at 12:16 PM on November 19, 2007

Your professor would be risking half a lifetime's worth of training and sacrifice if he slept with you while you are still in the program. Don't be surprised if your prof reports your proposition to his Dean or to the administration. While some professors might take you up on your proposition, many will do whatever is necessary to head off a train-wreck that could leave their professional lives in shambles.

If your professor knew that you are uninterested in the "moral judgments" of others, I think he'd be very likely to protect himself in ways that could unintentionally hurt you.
posted by ferdydurke at 12:16 PM on November 19, 2007

This is almost certainly a violation of the University's employment guidelines and will cost him his job should he succumb. And yes, someone always tells in these situations. Faculty and their staff are the worst gossips.

Do the guy a favor and don't tempt him; 40-ish men cannot resist smart 20-something women. If you really care about him as a person (as opposed to as a stud), wait until your master's program is over and be glad you're not getting a PhD.
posted by OlderThanTOS at 12:17 PM on November 19, 2007

Speaking from some experience (long ago), just to play devil's advocate, these situations can work out sometimes, as long as all involved are honest about their motives, goals, and concerned about whatever might happen afterwards.
posted by tr33hggr at 12:21 PM on November 19, 2007

Even after this semester, when he's not longer your professor, this can still blow up big-time. Being in the same department puts this on very thin ice, especially at a large university. It could potentially jeopardize both of your careers, especially his (after being dismissed for something like this, no other university of a similar calibre would touch him).

If he's really that appealing, you can wait until you've graduated. This has the added perk of him likely being more over his divorce as well.
posted by Nelsormensch at 12:23 PM on November 19, 2007

Yep, even if you feel there wouldn't be any potential political fallout for you, there could most certainly still be potential political fallout for him, no matter how no-strings-attached and discreet any fling might be. I'd wait to finish the program before indicating your interest in him -- that way, you're all in the clear (assuming he actually reciprocates your interest).
posted by scody at 12:24 PM on November 19, 2007

Is it too sticky of a situation to even attempt?

Yes, until you are no longer in the program. Asking and being rebuffed can also seriously fuck up a grad student/teacher relationship.

Honestly, the only time you might consider it, and even then it's a bad idea, would be if you *did* want a long-term relationship with the guy. At least if you ended up married it might be worth the risks and hassle.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:24 PM on November 19, 2007

Other people in your program will find out and you will wreck your professional career *and* his. And this really isn't too much of a "oh this will only happen in a worst case scenario" kind of thing. This is more like, if you somehow manage to sleep with him it has an 80% chance of shaking down like this and only a 20% chance of you being able to get your rocks off with no one else finding out. Because once one person in the department knows, *everyone* will know. Gossip like that is *gold* in graduate programs. And then you'll be known for the rest of your professional career as "Anon. You know, the one who was banging Professor X?" And the sex could only be good enough to make that worthwhile in your imagination.
posted by MsMolly at 12:25 PM on November 19, 2007

An additional issue to consider is, if this is a small program, it is likely that it is a tight knit group of professors. Even IF you get exactly what you want out of this, do you want to risk the possibility of another professor you may have knowing about it?

Also, if you plan to go for a PhD or work within your field in the future, who would you go to for a reference to that program/job? Any potential professor in your program could know about it and you will have torpedoed your future career.

As for the "40 year old guys can't resist 20 somethings" comments, that is bull. They can resist. Many choose not to, but they can easily resist if they want.
posted by slavlin at 12:33 PM on November 19, 2007

I have no advice per se, but at a large university I'm pretty sure you could find at least one other man you want to have casual sex with who is not in your department and who is not a faculty member. Maybe sleep with him while you think about whether you should sleep with choice #1.
posted by GuyZero at 12:37 PM on November 19, 2007

Bad idea. People do this all the time (although not so often that I've seen with the added excitement of the semi-open relationship -- usually it is the professor who has a partner) but the ones where it doesn't turn into an open and embarrassing spectacle are the ones where the people are smooth and socially graceful and very, very good at keeping secrets.

Your acknowledgment that:

But I'm not so good at being subtle, and I'm not so good at picking up signals that other people are giving off.

means that you should not be even considering doing such a thing in the social pressure cooker of a small academic department. Screwing this up might lose him his job, and you your professional reputation. Moreover, even if you will no longer be taking any classes from him, you may need him to write you letters of recommendation for jobs or future grad school applications -- if he is even slightly ethical, he will not be willing to write those letters for a student with whom he has slept. Do you really need that kind of complication in your life.

I think that you should wait until he is no longer even potentially your professor, an evaluator for your exit exams, or any other such role, to protect both yourself and him. That means after you graduate, or perhaps never if you will be entering a closely-related doctoral program in the near future.
posted by Forktine at 12:51 PM on November 19, 2007

Have a cold shower instead
posted by A189Nut at 12:54 PM on November 19, 2007

There is a saying that I use in my own life and I think is appropriate in this situation "don't shit where you eat".

It is extremely unlikely that this would end well for you or him, and even be worth the sex if it actually happens, and if it is actually good. If I were you I would find someone else, or just fantasize about him when you are with your partner.
posted by BobbyDigital at 12:57 PM on November 19, 2007

This situation is too sticky to attempt right now, for one big reason- that you may have him as a professor in the future. Wait until you are sure he will never be your superior again, and then proceed with plan.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:57 PM on November 19, 2007

Bovved, Ive banged a teacher and its fun and its always good to tick of the sexual ambitions early.
In my conquest (as contrived as it sounds) I often booked tutorials with him (not too often though) and obviously made sure I was looking my best, was open and interested, and made sure I was very interesting myself, I think thats forgotten quite alot. Going for coffee sounds great, though try and make sure it isnt on campus, or as quiter place you can get on campus.
Wear red lipstick, and something tactile. But be aware of his signals.
Tell us how it went! I got my Tutor and I wish you all the luck with yours.
posted by Neonshock at 1:01 PM on November 19, 2007

I say go for it...after you've finished the program.

In a small program, it's a conflict of interest even if he doesn't teach any of your future classes. What if you wind up needing him to sit on your thesis committee?

When you're done with the program, you can take him out for coffee and point out with raised eyebrow how long you've been waiting to get him alone and therefore he mustn't even think of resisting your charms.
posted by desuetude at 1:07 PM on November 19, 2007

Well I'm somewhat of a fan of dating professors and the like so I'd say go for it now. It's stupid to plan some far off reunion; now is the time as you see him all the time. Yes, there's a slight chance it'll be one big sordid, tragic affair but more than likely the only thing that will come of it are some pleasant memories. The best thing about this sort of affair is that you're actually really interested in whatever boring field or topic he's devoted his life to. Feel free to exploit this intense commonality and skip past the whole boring coffee talk. It's a kind of accelerated relationship though so you have to be careful to not let it spin out of control or somebody might get hurt. On the tactical side let him know you're interested by engaging him in interesting conversations after, before, and outside of class whenever possible. If he looks happy to see you and you to become friends "outside" the classroom then eventually go ahead and get him to dinner. If you can get him to dinner that's the time to come clean and let him know how much you like/respect/desire him. If you find him attractive then it's quite possible that other students find him attractive so be prepared for a 'let's just be friends' bit on his part but if you're lucky and you're both honest with each other then it could be a very rewarding relationship.
posted by nixerman at 1:12 PM on November 19, 2007

You know this is a bad idea, both for you and especially for this broken-hearted professor that you intend to use and throw away. This will wreck him emotionally and probably professionally as well. Unless you're a psychopath, you will abandon this plan immediately and keep yourself out of situations where it can (oopsie!) "just happen". I'm such a bad gurl, tee hee!

Find somebody else to fuck around with.
posted by LordSludge at 1:24 PM on November 19, 2007

As someone who attended a relatively small grad program in a large university and watched the fallout from a such a professor/student relationship absolutely play havoc with the place, I strongly urge you not to do this. No matter how discreet you think you are, you are likely to be found out. If you are not good at being subtle, you will likely give yourself away no matter how careful you think you are being. And if, as you say, a lot of other students in your program are already here, the details you've provided may already be just enough for them to know your intentions. People are pretty damn good at ferreting this sort of thing out.

The prof in question was my major professor, and I was actually interviewed to find out if he had ever harassed me (he hadn't). But it harmed all the students under him, who had to find other major professors in a hurry. It created intense pressure on the faculty, who had to take on his students unexpectedly. It harmed the program, which lost one of its names and had to cut courses until he could be replaced.

I am not moralizing to you but I am trying to appeal to your common sense, which apparently your lust has under a choke hold. The climate surrounding this sort of power differential has dramatically changed in the last decade or so, and universities must be very litigation-minded when dealing with it. Remember, you are only passing through. If you are caught out it will have profound effects on his career and the department itself -- other people you think of as mentors or friends -- for some time. The moment you are out of the program -- the very day you graduate, if you wish -- invite him out and be direct about your feelings. If he is sensitive and smart he has no doubt noticed your infatuation. And no doubt, if he is attractive, yours is not the first he has noticed. Don't build this up too much in your head -- that way, as others have mentioned, you won't disappointed if your plans are less exciting to him than they are to you.
posted by melissa may at 1:27 PM on November 19, 2007

oh - my - god. If you ever have any aspirations to continue in academia, do not do this. Even just the propositioning could be damaging, forget if the sex actually happens. This is way, way too dangerous, and academia is a very small world.

Don't pollute the pond.
posted by AthenaPolias at 1:37 PM on November 19, 2007

My post may have been a bit harsh. Just please, *please* consider this guy's emotional state and where your cunning plan will likely take him.
posted by LordSludge at 1:55 PM on November 19, 2007

What most other posters, especially LordSludge, said. Do not do this. Just from the university ethics standpoint, this has huge flashing neon red flags all over it.

And a couple more things to think about:

- It's a fallacy (phallusy?) that all fortysomething men will jump at the chance to have casual sex with twentysomethings. Yes, some do. But there are plenty of men out there who are romantics and don't do the casual-sex thing very well. Don't assume you can hump him and dump him just because he's a guy. What will happen if he gets emotionally attached? You already have a SO, and just want a fling. Are you damn-tootin' sure that HE will want that too? And can deal with any emotional aftermath?

- Grad school departments can be very tight-knit with everyone knowing everyone else's business (as other posters have pointed out). Do you want to be forever known as "Anonymous, you know, the one with the open relationship who bangs her professors on the side." Unless you are in a very very tolerant and open-minded environment, this can spell S-L-U-T to the gossip-mongers. Open relationships still are not mainstream. This is not MY judgement on YOU personally, it's how polyfolk and those in non-monogamous relationships can be perceived unless you are lucky enough to work or school with super-liberal people.

Bottom line is, if I were you, I wouldn't touch Cute Professor with a bargepole until you are all graduated and have a job outside the university.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:11 PM on November 19, 2007

Perhaps you should give some thought as to how the power differential you perceive is driving your desires. The psychology of sex with superiors has been explored repeatedly since Oedipus, and you may be getting clues about yourself from your libido that will be worth more to you in life management than any memories or experiences of actual sex you could possibly have. It's telling to me that you are trying hard to carefully compartmentalize this relationship, from the outset, as "5. I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship with this man. I just want to have unannounced casual sex with him. " That just smacks of objectification and fixed ideation, to me, as it might to many clinicians, particularly in light of your admittedly sub-par social skills, i.e. "... But I'm not so good at being subtle, and I'm not so good at picking up signals that other people are giving off. ".

Some would say that, indeed, you needn't consummate this relationship to enjoy it; in fact, many who have carried through on such desires would tell you that doing so actually killed the thing for them entirely. Real people, with their warts and flaws rarely remain viable sex objects for our imaginations; those we highly desire rarely turn out to be as good as we think they might be, before we bed them.

"... Is it too sticky of a situation to even attempt? What would you do? ..."
Maturity develops as self-management in stressful situations. If you bed the guy, you lose an important opportunity for practicing mature, responsible action in the face of social and educational taboos that are causing you to post anonymously, to avoid censure in your program, in exchange for casual sex, the quality of which you can't know, until after you've done the deed. If you don't bed the guy, but take your full program, including other classes you might have with him, without giving any indication of your attraction, you gain important practice in self-control that will serve you well in future situations.
posted by paulsc at 2:19 PM on November 19, 2007

Whatever the official or unofficial ethics, thinkingwoman is right to mention the possibility of his falling in love on the rebound: you may bite off more than you bargained for, as it were. On the other hand, you sound like an intelligent, calculating and realistic young woman, and you only live once, so I wouldn't rule the idea out. How to go about it? Well, the normal stuff: inveigle your way into his living quarters, I guess, but who knows, even that may not be necessary: so much depends on him. I wouldn't assume however that he will automatically reciprocate your desire for a casual bonk. After all, are you as hot as he is?
posted by londongeezer at 2:28 PM on November 19, 2007

I have a dear male friend who is also a professor, early 40s, very attractive, going through a divorce. His first post-separation "jump in bed, it's just a casual fling" with a hot young post-doc (at an entirely different institution) did a serious emotional number on him. Honestly, I think the end of that relationship was more viscerally traumatizing for him than the day he filed for divorce. He was profoundly shaken by how attached he became to this new woman in a short period of time, and how painful and humiliating it was when she made it clear that she--like you, Anon--had just wanted some casual sex, not a relationship.

Please realize and respect that men are not robots, and have deep feelings and real emotional lives, too. You have no real idea how the end of your professor's marriage is affecting him, and how sleeping with you under these circumstances could affect him personally, not just professionally. Please tread compassionately.

So that's another vote for waiting till you're out of the program (and his divorce is that much further along).
posted by fizzyliftingdrink at 3:03 PM on November 19, 2007

At my institution, there is a professor who had an affair with a student about 35 years ago. The affair was as above-board as this kind of thing can be; neither party was otherwise attached, the student approached the professor, and neither party had any other incidents like this. They ended up getting married. Both parties have made outstanding contributions in their field -- just outstanding stuff. And 35 years later, he is still known as the professor who slept with his student. She is still known as the student who slept with her professor to get an edge -- thoroughly unfair and untrue, but there it is. Memory at these places is impossibly long and will always favor the most salacious retelling of the story. Walk away.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 3:06 PM on November 19, 2007

The question, then, is how can I let him know I'd be interested in sleeping with him,

The usual ways. Try flirting.

without crossing any sexual harassment lines?

They would only apply if he was putting the moves on you. Not an issue here.

Is it too sticky of a situation to even attempt?

It's a bit sticky, but I've known (not in that sense) enough academics to realise that it's actually quite common. For male academics, at least, it's almost an unwritten perk of the job.

What would you do?

I'd try to avoid it, if possible. Not judging you in the slightest here, but I'm a fan of the "don't shit where you eat" rule.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:06 PM on November 19, 2007

paulsc's answer is superb, both morally and as a bit of advice-in-prose - so much so that I worry the OP will simply disregard it as censorious or overweening. Bravo.
posted by waxbanks at 3:09 PM on November 19, 2007

Academic here: don't do this while you're still in the program, especially if you are iffy at keeping secrets and reading subtle cues. Your academic reputation will be trashed, both in your department and in the wider academic world depending how tight-knit your sub-field is. What courses you can take may be limited. You may not be able to have him as a committee member which would limit your choice of what topics you can work on. He wouldn't be able to write you recommendations for continuing study -- eg if you wanted to go get a PhD; etc. Those are just a few of the effects on YOU. There will also be effects on him.

In academia, advancement is based on other academics' opinions of you, which can be strongly influenced by something like this no matter how much that is denied. The reason sexual relations between prof and students are so strongly forbidden is partly because students so often underestimate the extent to which an affair can utterly wreck their academic ambitions.

previous and related, both of which have advice that might be relevant for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:42 PM on November 19, 2007

When I was in college I knew of four of five professor/graduate student flings/relationships/whatevers. None of them ended well. You are not going to take any of the advice in this thread though, so I can only wish you the best of luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 4:31 PM on November 19, 2007

You say your grades are good. That makes this a bad idea for yet another reason: it will be assumed that you did not in fact earn them, but only got the A because you fucked the professor.

Even if you only fuck him after class ends, don't expect people to believe that that's all you did. The story, as far as they're concerned, will be that you started it to get a better grade and only got caught after class ended.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:50 PM on November 19, 2007

I am inclined to say, "Oh, it's not such a big deal as other people make it out to be." There's a lot of dark warnings here, and it occurs to me that maybe none of this bad stuff would happen --- you'd sleep with him, it would be fun, nobody would find out, and you'd both move on without a problem. But I tried to view your proposal from stricter perspective, in terms of both risks and morals, and here's what I came up with.

It seems massively uncollegial to engage in free love with a faculty member. Your dalliance, if found out, would likely create a lot of confusion, suspicion, and resentment in the department. It would hurt other people --- not just you and the professor. The dangers in graduate school are especially pronounced, since graduate school success depends so heavily upon one's personal relationship with professors, and everybody knows everybody in a graduate program.

Here are the dangers as I see them:

First, think about your "A" in this professor's class; if you sleep with him, it will no longer be presumed to have been on the merits of your work. This would cast doubt upon the fairness of the grading system, thus diminishing the value of other people's work.

Second, any preferment you may gain in the department will be suspect, because you slept with this professor, thus casting doubt upon the legitimacy of evaluations and awards in the department.

Third, it will give students who, for whatever reason, have a grievance with this professor, reason to question his integrity, because, after all, he's one of those sleazy professors who sleeps with his students.

Fourth, it will give people who have any reason to dislike you, some shit they can smear you with and a convenience tag-line to malign you; "Oh, that's just anonymous, she's the one that sleeps with that professor."

Fifth, it may contribute to the disillusionment of students, by giving them the impression that the road to success is through sleeping with the faculty.

There's something to be said, in the interest of dignity and professionalism, for considering professors to be off-limits for casual flings. It would be more understandable if you were in the market for a long-term partner; but you've admitted you are only interested in a little casual sex. Everybody in academia knows someone who is married to a former student, and that's fine; but what you're talking about is a cynical, hedonistic dalliance that threatens to create problems for the department, its members, and its students --- and such a dalliance is selfish and wrong.
posted by jayder at 4:59 PM on November 19, 2007

I live with my significant other. Before you get on your moral high-horse, we have a quietly open relationship.

If you actually decide to pursue this professor (monumentally bad idea, IMO), make sure you disclose this to him. I would never do anything with someone in a relationship, open or otherwise, and would feel deeply betrayed if they tricked me into it.
posted by hjo3 at 5:32 PM on November 19, 2007

The moral consequences are for you to sort out for yourselves, not us; I have little to say on the issue.

However in terms of the academic consequences, it depends on whether you're doing a masters by coursework or thesis, and whether the university has given much thought to its policy on student/teacher relationships. A masters by coursework is much more like an undergraduate degree, where you do distinct subjects and submit assignments and sit for exams, than a PhD, where you are working to no direct schedule and in the end submit only one large document. The difference that this makes is in terms of how much professional interaction with the academic you have, and in how much the individual academic's influence is replaceable.

At the university where I work, academics are required to disclose a potential conflict of interest regarding any student, and someone else marks that student's papers, assignments, etc. Most of our tutors are Honors, Masters and PhD students, so some proportion of them are always likely to be involved in relationships with undergrads. Two of our academics currently have sons or daughters in a course they teach. A couple years ago an academic had a student in the course who was an employee of some company that for some reason was engaged in legal action with the academic's company. Etc. All of these people declared to their supervisors that, for whatever reason, they shouldn't mark that person's work (or be responsible for them in various other ways eg supervisory/HR functions). The university tries to balance the human right to interpersonal interaction with the need for academic probity, and IMO this policy achieves that quite well, by removing any power balance as much as is practical.

So if your uni has that sort of policy set up, and you're doing coursework, then your prof can avoid any accusation of favor by avoiding being responsible for your marks - and doing it provides a damn good answer to any gossipy insinuations, and a level of protection for the academic from subsequent accusations of harassment.

However if you're doing a thesis, it's a lot more difficult, since under that sort of policy you'd have to change advisors. Might be worth it, might not.

Actually there's another argument against that you should consider: as long as you haven't actually slept with the prof, you may be much more motivated to impress him. There are times in a course of study when crumbs of motivation are precious and hard to find. You shouldn't lightly deprive yourself of one.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:24 PM on November 19, 2007

My father, now a retired prof, regularly had female students hit on him (while he was younger, anyway). For each one that crossed some line, he wrote a letter to the dean explaining what happened and when, and what his response was. If he felt that it was likely to get out of hand, he'd ask that an observer be present when he thought an interaction might occur (class, office hours, studio hours, whatever). My dad took his job very seriously, and sex with 20-somethings not very seriously.

I really would not wish that this kind of letter about you would appear in the dean's file somewhere. Given how long ago my father had these interactions, and how much sexual harassment has changed since then, I'd say you're at a much higher risk of being in such a letter today.
posted by Capri at 8:12 PM on November 19, 2007

The moral implications of the situation have been covered pretty well above. I'll just add a practical observation. If you proposition your professor or even start flirting with him now, he is likely to think that you're just doing that to make sure you keep your A. (You wouldn't believe how common it is for students to flirt with their professors.) So, even if your professor is completely reckless with his career and finds you attractive, he might very well reject you out of pure cynicism. At the very least, wait until you are no longer in his class.
posted by epimorph at 9:45 PM on November 19, 2007

No matter how discreet you think you are, you are likely to be found out.

I think this bears emphasising. I had a friend who had an affair with an academic in her faculty. I happened to be dating the daughter of the Dean during that period. Years later, the my ex remarked "You know, *everybody* in the faculty knew about it", in spite of the fact that my friend & her lover thought they were exercising the ultimate discretion.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:59 AM on November 20, 2007

First, here's your moral angle--he has to know that it is totally casual and that you have an open relationship. He's divorced and might have been hurt and may be emotionally vulnerable. Make sure that you don't have a pining prof on you hands. Be prepared for a no. I suspect you have worked all of this out in the past, however. But if you haven't, think about this stuff.

Second, wait until the semester is over. Could be a problem for him. Then just be very forward about it. I suggest a note that reads like a craigslist casual encounters thing--"Former student of Professor X in loving but open relationship seeks a single night of passion with her very sexy former professor." Put it somewhere where only he is going to get it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:33 AM on November 20, 2007

Put it somewhere where only he is going to get it.

That means NOT E-MAIL.
posted by grouse at 7:41 AM on November 20, 2007