Do I tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
September 25, 2007 8:34 PM Subscribe
My fourteen month-old son has been asked to leave his new daycare (after one month) for "constant biting and aggressive behavior". Now what do I do?
My son has been in daycare since he was ten weeks old. Until a month ago, he was in an in-home setting with a small number of other children. A month ago his name came to the top of the waiting list for our "dream" daycare situation (a 35-child daycare facility a block from our house where many of our friends' children have also gone). He never bit or had problems at his prior daycare, and he has never bitten either his father or I or bitten another child outside of daycare, but at this new daycare he tries to bite other children many times a day, and has landed bites a number of times.
I accept that perhaps he's just not happy at the new place, or not ready to be with a much larger group of kids, but here's my problem: He can't go back to the old place - they're full.
What the heck do I tell the new providers I talk with? Telling them he bites (or he was asked to leave for biting) seems like an open invitation for them not to accept him. Not telling them he bites seems like opening up a big can of worms if he injures another child seriously. (He bit a girl on the face at the daycare we're leaving and broke the skin; she had to go to the Emergency room for treatment.)
Do I tell? Not tell? This seems like a "damned if I do" situation.....
My son has been in daycare since he was ten weeks old. Until a month ago, he was in an in-home setting with a small number of other children. A month ago his name came to the top of the waiting list for our "dream" daycare situation (a 35-child daycare facility a block from our house where many of our friends' children have also gone). He never bit or had problems at his prior daycare, and he has never bitten either his father or I or bitten another child outside of daycare, but at this new daycare he tries to bite other children many times a day, and has landed bites a number of times.
I accept that perhaps he's just not happy at the new place, or not ready to be with a much larger group of kids, but here's my problem: He can't go back to the old place - they're full.
What the heck do I tell the new providers I talk with? Telling them he bites (or he was asked to leave for biting) seems like an open invitation for them not to accept him. Not telling them he bites seems like opening up a big can of worms if he injures another child seriously. (He bit a girl on the face at the daycare we're leaving and broke the skin; she had to go to the Emergency room for treatment.)
Do I tell? Not tell? This seems like a "damned if I do" situation.....
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request
Um if it were your Son having his face bit off... :-s
Is it a small place he'll be going to now...? Tell them. And get a ...ref? from his old daycare explaining that was never a problem there. They need to be aware both for the safety of other peoples children in their care and also because he obviously reacted badly and perhaps they could do everything possible to soothe the transition.
If it seems reasonable to suspect he won't keep chomping kids and they still have no compassion then it's not going to be the right place anyway I'd think.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:06 PM on September 25, 2007
Is it a small place he'll be going to now...? Tell them. And get a ...ref? from his old daycare explaining that was never a problem there. They need to be aware both for the safety of other peoples children in their care and also because he obviously reacted badly and perhaps they could do everything possible to soothe the transition.
If it seems reasonable to suspect he won't keep chomping kids and they still have no compassion then it's not going to be the right place anyway I'd think.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:06 PM on September 25, 2007
What about actually finding a solution to stop him biting other kids?
posted by lucia__is__dada at 9:10 PM on September 25, 2007
posted by lucia__is__dada at 9:10 PM on September 25, 2007
I have a 6 yo and a 15 month-old. Neither of them were/are big biters, but I have been around the block of daycares. It seems to me that kicking out such a young toddler after a month sounds like this place may not be such a dream daycare. Is it your feeling that the babies are well-supervised? What's the child-to-caregiver ratio? There's no reasoning with a 14 month-old--the caregivers need to simply stay with him and stop the behavior from happening. They must not have the staff to do that or may not be willing to.
Others may disagree, but I think that any reasonable providers you approach are not going to expect young toddlers to be perfectly well-behaved. I think you should look for a place with a low caregiver-child ratio and simply tell them that your baby was stressed and acting out in his former situation, but that you think he needs better supervision. Biting happens, and a good center (is there a university childcare in your area?) will work with the child and the parents to change the behavior, not kick them out. I mean, really, he's not three years old and biting! Good luck!
posted by Beckminster at 9:10 PM on September 25, 2007
Others may disagree, but I think that any reasonable providers you approach are not going to expect young toddlers to be perfectly well-behaved. I think you should look for a place with a low caregiver-child ratio and simply tell them that your baby was stressed and acting out in his former situation, but that you think he needs better supervision. Biting happens, and a good center (is there a university childcare in your area?) will work with the child and the parents to change the behavior, not kick them out. I mean, really, he's not three years old and biting! Good luck!
posted by Beckminster at 9:10 PM on September 25, 2007
Response by poster: What about actually finding a solution to stop him biting other kids?
If you've got suggestions, I'm open. The very experienced daycare tried a number of things, none of which worked. I can't discipline behavior in a 14 month old that I never, ever see.
posted by anastasiav at 9:13 PM on September 25, 2007
If you've got suggestions, I'm open. The very experienced daycare tried a number of things, none of which worked. I can't discipline behavior in a 14 month old that I never, ever see.
posted by anastasiav at 9:13 PM on September 25, 2007
Don't be afraid to seek help. Sometimes a child's aggression requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your child seems to behave aggressively more often than not, if he seems to frighten or upset other children, or if your efforts to curb his behavior have little effect, talk to your child's doctor, who may in turn recommend a counselor or child psychologist. Together you can determine the source of the behavior and help your child through it. Remember, your child is still very young. If you work with him patiently and creatively, chances are that his pugnacious tendencies will soon be a thing of the past.
posted by lucia__is__dada at 9:18 PM on September 25, 2007
posted by lucia__is__dada at 9:18 PM on September 25, 2007
Your blog makes me sad for you but more so your son. I am going to sound like an old school creep, but... you might consider being with him more. This opinion is informed after reading your writing. We live lean, very lean to have one of us at home at all times. This is not to say things are perfect and we are raising angels, but to be certain we do know who/what we are raising, and that it is us who are doing the raising. If this is troubling you so very much, and I am sure it is, it would trouble me endlessly given my propensity towards worry, I would tell the truth and develop a plan with the new provider, minimally. I would then make certain to call in/drop by/check in for the next few weeks a couple times a day to talk to the boy and provider until this behavior is extinguished. To not tell the new worker is to shoot yourself in the foot.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 9:19 PM on September 25, 2007
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 9:19 PM on September 25, 2007
Response by poster: Lucia, we have spoken with his Ped, and she basically said "its age-appropriate behavior". Your link says "more often than not" -- that's not the case here. He only acts out at daycare - and at this specific daycare, at that. We've never seen the behavior they describe anywhere else.
posted by anastasiav at 9:28 PM on September 25, 2007
posted by anastasiav at 9:28 PM on September 25, 2007
Lots of kids go through the biting stage - there are myriad reasons, but none overly sinister, and it's quite normal. In my son's case, I believe it was frustration borne out of not being able to communicate his needs in certain play situations (at 14 months, that sounds consistent).
In an environment staffed by suitably qualified child carers, it should be within their remit to help you (consistently) deal with overcoming it, not simply turn their backs on it, but provide attention to it and help resolve the issue.
Here is the deal:
Biting can be an emotional response to weaning from the breast, the arrival of a new baby or to any sudden life change the toddler finds difficult to adjust to. From "The Mighty Toddler" Robin Barker
Maybe the change of day care centre is that sudden life change.
She goes on to say that ...from a toddler's point of view, biting is no worse than hitting, kicking, pushing or bashing. From an adult's point of view biting is a particularly heinous crime and many parents secretly think that biting is a sign of a serious flaw in the toddler and his/her parents.... The framework for dealing with this is the same as for aggression.
A fairly straightforward approach and time will take care of it. Kicking your child out of the centre is shirking a degree of care and responsibility (IMO).
I would discuss the issue with the director of the facility (for a number of reasons) before thinking of any transitions.
posted by strawberryviagra at 9:42 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
In an environment staffed by suitably qualified child carers, it should be within their remit to help you (consistently) deal with overcoming it, not simply turn their backs on it, but provide attention to it and help resolve the issue.
Here is the deal:
Biting can be an emotional response to weaning from the breast, the arrival of a new baby or to any sudden life change the toddler finds difficult to adjust to. From "The Mighty Toddler" Robin Barker
Maybe the change of day care centre is that sudden life change.
She goes on to say that ...from a toddler's point of view, biting is no worse than hitting, kicking, pushing or bashing. From an adult's point of view biting is a particularly heinous crime and many parents secretly think that biting is a sign of a serious flaw in the toddler and his/her parents.... The framework for dealing with this is the same as for aggression.
A fairly straightforward approach and time will take care of it. Kicking your child out of the centre is shirking a degree of care and responsibility (IMO).
I would discuss the issue with the director of the facility (for a number of reasons) before thinking of any transitions.
posted by strawberryviagra at 9:42 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
As I'm sure you're aware, your child has been taken from a setting where he was spending most of his time. That's like taking a child from a family environment. Given his age, biting is probably the only way he has identified to effectively assert control, express frustration and perhaps even protect himself. If you decide to transition him to a new facility, you are probably going to need to do graduated entry and, as noted above, drop by a lot. He may be concerned that the rest of his world is going to turn upside-down too. If there's anything you can do to get him back into his old facility, it may be worth it.
posted by acoutu at 9:46 PM on September 25, 2007
posted by acoutu at 9:46 PM on September 25, 2007
If it's any consolation I was kicked out of kindergarden the very first day for biting and I grew up to be a perfectly normal adult with a graduate degree and everything. Verbal rebukes didn't work but, according to my parents, the day I decided to chomp down on our spaniel's ear was a watershed in my career as a child-vampire. The dog was NOT amused.
posted by fshgrl at 9:58 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 9:58 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
I feel that in general, large daycare situations are not ideal for toddlers your son's age. I don't say that as a political statement about how moms should stay home, but - as you know, since you have one! - because most 14-month-olds are not social with other kids yet, are usually going through a phase of stranger anxiety, and are old enough to know what they want, but not old enough to be able to tell you about it.
A big daycare will have a lot of noise and things going on, and can be pretty over-stimulating. In that situation, and with a little guy who's been moved around a bit in his young life, I'd tend to think of biting as a BACK OFF signal. He does it because it's one of the very few ways he can exert control and make people stop/go away/leave him alone. The primary message he's sending is that this situation is just too much for him.
If his caregivers could stick it out, I bet he'd come out of it as he grew to feel more comfortable in the new environment - and of course as the months pass, his development will catch up to the surroundings, and he'll be willing to play with other kids, etc.
But I also understand why the caregivers can't stick it out. I certainly wouldn't want my baby in care with a habitual biter, as much as I'd understand the biters' parents' conundrum! And I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect his current daycare to keep him, frankly.
I'm sorry I don't have more specific tips for you, but in your shoes, if it were impossible for one parent to stay home, I would look for the smallest, calmest, in-home daycare I could find. I would be honest with them that my son had a tough time adjusting to the big daycare, and that he sometimes responded to the stimulation by biting. I would try to establish with them coping mechanisms for times when he exhibits signals that this behavior is immanent. (I don't think there's a reason to wait until the biting has actually occurred.) Putting him in a quiet place to recover his balance would be my first goal.
And although I know it's a tough thing to ask of working parents, I'd try to ease him into his new care situation, not leaping immediately to full days. He's very young to be moved around so often.
Good luck!
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:02 PM on September 25, 2007
A big daycare will have a lot of noise and things going on, and can be pretty over-stimulating. In that situation, and with a little guy who's been moved around a bit in his young life, I'd tend to think of biting as a BACK OFF signal. He does it because it's one of the very few ways he can exert control and make people stop/go away/leave him alone. The primary message he's sending is that this situation is just too much for him.
If his caregivers could stick it out, I bet he'd come out of it as he grew to feel more comfortable in the new environment - and of course as the months pass, his development will catch up to the surroundings, and he'll be willing to play with other kids, etc.
But I also understand why the caregivers can't stick it out. I certainly wouldn't want my baby in care with a habitual biter, as much as I'd understand the biters' parents' conundrum! And I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect his current daycare to keep him, frankly.
I'm sorry I don't have more specific tips for you, but in your shoes, if it were impossible for one parent to stay home, I would look for the smallest, calmest, in-home daycare I could find. I would be honest with them that my son had a tough time adjusting to the big daycare, and that he sometimes responded to the stimulation by biting. I would try to establish with them coping mechanisms for times when he exhibits signals that this behavior is immanent. (I don't think there's a reason to wait until the biting has actually occurred.) Putting him in a quiet place to recover his balance would be my first goal.
And although I know it's a tough thing to ask of working parents, I'd try to ease him into his new care situation, not leaping immediately to full days. He's very young to be moved around so often.
Good luck!
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:02 PM on September 25, 2007
The very experienced daycare tried a number of things, none of which worked. I can't discipline behavior in a 14 month old that I never, ever see.
I think that's your solution right there re: the biting. Uh, maybe spend some time with your son?
posted by meerkatty at 1:56 AM on September 26, 2007
I think that's your solution right there re: the biting. Uh, maybe spend some time with your son?
posted by meerkatty at 1:56 AM on September 26, 2007
He sounds a bit feral, like our cat, Doctor Teeth, who was taken from his mother too soon and spent his early days in a scary environment full of large dogs. When we eventually adopted him, we had to teach him how to purr and how not to draw blood.
No matter which daycare place you deposit him into, I would try to reduce the time he spends there. Between you and your mother and maybe some other relatives or friends, could you shorten his daycare days or cut the number of them in the week? Could you quit one job for a year? Could you work reduced hours at the other? Could someone look after him in his own cozy home? Do you have some savings to cushion you through this time (even if you have to cancel the trip or the new car)? Such arrangements wouldn't have to be permanent -- just long enough to get him past this biting stage and maybe teach him how to purr.
posted by pracowity at 2:54 AM on September 26, 2007
No matter which daycare place you deposit him into, I would try to reduce the time he spends there. Between you and your mother and maybe some other relatives or friends, could you shorten his daycare days or cut the number of them in the week? Could you quit one job for a year? Could you work reduced hours at the other? Could someone look after him in his own cozy home? Do you have some savings to cushion you through this time (even if you have to cancel the trip or the new car)? Such arrangements wouldn't have to be permanent -- just long enough to get him past this biting stage and maybe teach him how to purr.
posted by pracowity at 2:54 AM on September 26, 2007
(anistasiav) The very experienced daycare tried a number of things, none of which worked. I can't discipline behavior in a 14 month old that I never, ever see.
(meerkatty)I think that's your solution right there re: the biting. Uh, maybe spend some time with your son?
No, meerkatty, she means that she can't discipline the behavior because her son doesn't exhibit the behavior when he is not at the daycare, not that she doesn't ever see her son.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:32 AM on September 26, 2007
(meerkatty)I think that's your solution right there re: the biting. Uh, maybe spend some time with your son?
No, meerkatty, she means that she can't discipline the behavior because her son doesn't exhibit the behavior when he is not at the daycare, not that she doesn't ever see her son.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:32 AM on September 26, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone who thinks I should stay home with my son. That would be a great solution if it were possible, but its not if I'd like to continue to eat and live indoors. As a reminder, the question is: What, if anything, should I tell my next daycare provider about my son's behavior at this facility.
posted by anastasiav at 5:03 AM on September 26, 2007
posted by anastasiav at 5:03 AM on September 26, 2007
Yes, you should tell your next day care provider what happened. I am assuming that you are going to try to find a day care situation that is a bit more comfortable for your son - maybe something similar to his previous day care setup. The next day care provider, if he/she is at all competent, will know and understand this phase of his development. Being forewarned will ensure that they give your son some extra support and supervision as he adjusts to his new place. You should think of this as a team effort. If you don't tell them, you're already potentially putting the provider in a confrontational position.
Keep in mind that your son is already under considerable stress and anxiety after this episode, so he's going to need extra support and care as adjusts to his next day care facility. You're going to need all the help you can get to make sure that he makes the transition smoothly.
posted by Flakypastry at 5:21 AM on September 26, 2007
Keep in mind that your son is already under considerable stress and anxiety after this episode, so he's going to need extra support and care as adjusts to his next day care facility. You're going to need all the help you can get to make sure that he makes the transition smoothly.
posted by Flakypastry at 5:21 AM on September 26, 2007
Sounds like a pretty awful situation to be in, anastasiav.
It sounds to me like he learned from other kids, at his previous daycare, that biting was an acceptable form of social interaction. The fact that the staff at that daycare didn't prevent other kids from biting him seems pretty irresponsible to me. But I imagine that the reason he's biting is because it's something he's learned to associate with either (a) other people his own size or (b) daycare.
When you find the next daycare, why don't you tell them the whole story about biting, starting at the previous daycare where he was the bitten, going on to the most recent daycare where he was the biter, and ask them to keep a particularly close eye on him for the first couple days, and quickly and forcefully scold him if he tries to bite someone. If he's old enough to know it's you when he hears your voice on the phone, you could also ask them to call you right away at work if/when he tries to talk to you on the phone, and you can give him some negative feedback yourself. You'll know better than me whether that's possible and whether it could help.
posted by louigi at 5:56 AM on September 26, 2007
It sounds to me like he learned from other kids, at his previous daycare, that biting was an acceptable form of social interaction. The fact that the staff at that daycare didn't prevent other kids from biting him seems pretty irresponsible to me. But I imagine that the reason he's biting is because it's something he's learned to associate with either (a) other people his own size or (b) daycare.
When you find the next daycare, why don't you tell them the whole story about biting, starting at the previous daycare where he was the bitten, going on to the most recent daycare where he was the biter, and ask them to keep a particularly close eye on him for the first couple days, and quickly and forcefully scold him if he tries to bite someone. If he's old enough to know it's you when he hears your voice on the phone, you could also ask them to call you right away at work if/when he tries to talk to you on the phone, and you can give him some negative feedback yourself. You'll know better than me whether that's possible and whether it could help.
posted by louigi at 5:56 AM on September 26, 2007
Yeah, what's with the pile-on with suggesting anastasiav stays home? Maybe if each person that suggests it would like to cough up $5,000 a year or so to support her and her son she would take your advice seriously.
You should definately warn the next provider about the biting and explain that it occurred only in large group settings. If they balk at taking him then just move on to the next person on your list. Biting is normal behavour but very shaming for the parents (as you can see by so many reactions here). You WILL find a compassionate provider; if you could find some way to ease him into this next transition with the help of family and friends it will hopefully go smoother this time. If you are truly having a hard time finding another provider have you thought about quitting your daytime job and being a childcare provider yourself? Once you factor in your own daycare/transportation savings you may find you are pretty close to what you are earning now.
Being a mother is incredibly stressful, can you maybe take a bit of time to yourself to think through your options?
posted by saucysault at 5:59 AM on September 26, 2007
You should definately warn the next provider about the biting and explain that it occurred only in large group settings. If they balk at taking him then just move on to the next person on your list. Biting is normal behavour but very shaming for the parents (as you can see by so many reactions here). You WILL find a compassionate provider; if you could find some way to ease him into this next transition with the help of family and friends it will hopefully go smoother this time. If you are truly having a hard time finding another provider have you thought about quitting your daytime job and being a childcare provider yourself? Once you factor in your own daycare/transportation savings you may find you are pretty close to what you are earning now.
Being a mother is incredibly stressful, can you maybe take a bit of time to yourself to think through your options?
posted by saucysault at 5:59 AM on September 26, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
A nanny can provide one-to-one interaction and better address your child's unique needs. My understanding is that children are often better off in a more intimate setting till they're about 30 months old. Of course, a nanny is much more expensive, but that may be your best option right now.
Also, biting often arises in children who are about your son's age. Perhaps your child needed more gradual entry and more personal attention than the group daycare provided.
posted by acoutu at 9:05 PM on September 25, 2007