Eat it, Philippoussis

July 3, 2007 5:44 PM

Where can I meet older women?

I'm 25, and my whole life, I've pretty much exclusively dated girls my age and younger. I've grown up a lot in my time and come to realize I'm much more suited for women of higher sophistication, polish, and experience (my last ex idolized Mischa Barton, if that's any indication).

The places I go, jobs I have, schools I attend...I'm surrounded by younger women. The night scene presents no luck either; the bars and clubs I crash, the only older women who show up are dressed like washed-up porn stars and reek of Safeway-brand vodka. Besides, I'm not a fan of meeting someone at a bar.

I should clarify: by "older," I mean 30-35. I dated a 32 year-old last year, and she rocked my world (circumstance ended it).

Basically, I'm looking to meet cultured, intelligent, ambitious, self-confident women, but I don't know where to start.

I'm not looking for cougars either; I like to do the chasing.

posted by Mach3avelli to society & culture (39 answers total)

A while back I used to joke about hanging out at the La Jolla Senior Center (to hook up w/ old rich lady). But that's not who you're looking for.

This may sound crappy, but I would check out online dating sites. Why? The woman you describe might have kids, be a professional and may not have time for going to bars to meet people.
posted by snsranch at 5:58 PM on July 3, 2007

Buffalo Bills Bar and Grill, Whistler, BC.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 6:01 PM on July 3, 2007

Somewhat related.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:01 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

My ex-boss was a 35 year old single, not much of a cougar though, and she always hung out in wine bars and got play there. I have another friend up in SF who's 35 and goes out to middle-of-the road dance clubs. She's freaking gorgeous and doesn't look her age the least. So, in my experience, older women like wine and dancing! Take your pick!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:06 PM on July 3, 2007

art galleries, coffee houses, your local irish pub (or laid-back, not uber-trendy bar). around your local university, you'll probably find a place where the grad students hang out. try your local museum's monthly friday or saturday late night programming. readings at your local bookstore. take a continuing-studies course at your local college. if there's a place that offers cooking classes--bonanza.

i do have to wonder, though: if your interests and path in life does not naturally intersect with these women, what will you have to offer them? (besides youth and stamina.) i'm 30, and most of the women in my peer group are starting to think more seriously about marriage, and would probably view a guy your age as more of a plaything. i've dated a guy 5 years my junior--i found the generation gap endearing at first but annoying later.

now, i am a romantic and i'd never say it couldn't be done, but i would suggest that you might have better luck with a different species of your own peer group. there are a lot of bright, ambitious, mature, quirky, cultured 25-year-old women out there.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:07 PM on July 3, 2007

now, i am a romantic and i'd never say it couldn't be done, but i would suggest that you might have better luck with a different species of your own peer group. there are a lot of bright, ambitious, mature, quirky, cultured 25-year-old women out there.

Definitely. But it's a numbers game, and there's fewer of them than the 30-35 demographic. However, there also comes availability and willingness to date me. Hmmm...

i do have to wonder, though: if your interests and path in life does not naturally intersect with these women, what will you have to offer them? (besides youth and stamina.) i'm 30, and most of the women in my peer group are starting to think more seriously about marriage, and would probably view a guy your age as more of a plaything. i've dated a guy 5 years my junior--i found the generation gap endearing at first but annoying later.

Plaything or serious relationship, it would still qualify as a welcome change.

art galleries, coffee houses, your local irish pub (or laid-back, not uber-trendy bar). around your local university, you'll probably find a place where the grad students hang out. try your local museum's monthly friday or saturday late night programming. readings at your local bookstore. take a continuing-studies course at your local college. if there's a place that offers cooking classes--bonanza.

Been hanging out with Berkeley grad students as of late, so I know what you mean. Those all sound like great suggestions, thanks.
posted by Mach3avelli at 6:20 PM on July 3, 2007

With one exception, everyone I've dated has been older than me. I didn't go out of my way to find them. I met them in the normal course of my social life. In fact I find the question a bit strange, since I've almost always hung out with people years younger and older than me.

Are you in a small town? If so, move. If not, well, honestly, it sounds like you may just need to diversify the ways in which you spend your time. Relying on work and nightclubs for your social life can only narrow your odds for a lot of fruitful encounters, romantic and otherwise.

Go to plays, poetry readings, political protests. Take classes. Go where people aren't expecting to spend time with their particular arbitrary grouping, but simply attracted to some shared interest in a larger endeavour, art form, knowledge, whatever.

But then, I feel a bit weird giving this advice in this context, since if you do this just to pick up, people will see it coming a mile away. And they will be entirely right to rebuff you.

Live well and a bit dangerously. The rest follows.
posted by poweredbybeard at 6:27 PM on July 3, 2007

Ouch. Harsh on those thirty something singles, why doncha?

Okay, so I am one of those women and the last guy I dated was 27 and the one before that was 28. I met both at parties of friends - and they got my number and called. In both cases, I was pretty skeptical - I think I'm looking more towards family and those sorts of things and they were, well - appreciating me. But if you are looking to find your own 30 something, appreciating her is the best thing you bring to the proverbial table, and I advise you to show it in spades. What got me to (skeptical though I was) go out was them is that the best compliment and biggest turnon is a guy who is really into you and it doesnt hurt that they are young and hot.

As far as a lasting relationship is concerned, most of those 30 something women have decided whether or not they want children and if they do, you may find that they start talking about it a bit sooner than you are comfortable with.
posted by zia at 6:29 PM on July 3, 2007

On preview, where would you find me and my cohorts? I see you are in Berkeley so I'll give you examples from SF (I have NO idea what goes on in Berkeley; apparently it stays there!)
- French tuesdays - lots of us there, you need an invite tho.
- Industry events - try Antenna's groups green drinks (in fact I could probably give you a list of the 30 something women who go to that!), but hey, if you are not into cleantech, try your own industry
In the green industry
- Greendrinks (see upcoming.org)
- REBN's drinks
- Christine Brecales parties
- Try Haas b-school events - vcs, angel pitch sessions, etc. (alot of the bschool students will have paired up, but the single women will be looking. I was when I was in bschool)
posted by zia at 6:36 PM on July 3, 2007

I hate to break it to you, but there are plenty of 35-year-old women who are shallow, uncultured, and unambitious as well. ;)

As long as you're prepared for that, I think thinkingwoman's suggestions about art galleries, museum events, readings, etc. are good. I've also been hit on by 20something lads (bless 'em) at the L.A. Film Fest a couple of times over the years, but perhaps they just thought that being in my 30s meant I could help them get their scripts produced.

Also, what about just doing the online dating thing, with your preferred age range set for late 20s to mid-30s?
posted by scody at 6:39 PM on July 3, 2007

I'm also 25, and I dated a 35-year old woman for the better part of last winter and spring. It so happens that I did meet her in the nightlife, but I still feel compelled to second the dating sites suggestion - I feel women above a certain age tend to be more unabashed in creating a profile on a website, being frank about their desires, etc. (compare a 21-year old being too pent up in college life and bars, etc.).

It should be noted that, once you find a social environment where you're likely to find a woman of your liking, you do sort of have the upper hand in the deal (compare being a 40-year old man looking for a woman no older than 25: it's certainly possible, but you will probably find yourself SOL many times before you succeed).

But this is not your problem. You need to find that environment in the first place. You don't happen to work in academia, do you? Universities and the like tend to be teeming with sassy, savvy thirtysomethings who aren't too difficult to approach - generally speaking, basically students who stuck around and have dedicated their working lives to academia. So take an evening class and date your teacher! (I'm only half joking: there might be cultural differences at play here, at Dutch universities it's fairly common to go out, teacher and class, say for drinks. Dating your teacher, however, is frowned upon in any place, I reckon. But you can always wait until after exams.)

The harsh truth of life and logistics dictates that at 30-35, the majority of women in your 'demographic bracket' will be working. So where do they work? Where do they go after work? You say you don't like the bar scene, but surely single thirtysomething females go somewhere to relax and have a drink in the evening? Hunt 'em down! :)

Also, as your profile says you're in Palo Alto, do you work in tech? Are you sure you have exhausted your channels to meet a 30-sth lady via work-related events? I know IT tends by stereotype to be a male-dominated industry; but then I'm not to judge, as I do work in IT but for a women's clothing company - so it's only our part of the building that's a boyzone. :)

FWIW, the wonderful 35-year old woman I told you about, I walked up to her because she seemed intriguing, not because I had any apprehensions or suspicions about her age. In fact, I'm notoriously bad at guessing people's ages.

By which I mean to say, at the end of the day it's just a number, and the blanket answer would be that being open and talkative to people in general is a good thing, and if you keep that in mind and keep attending social events then surely you will find someone to hit it off with. And I know how it sounds, but most importantly: keep it real - if there's an act, any woman who's been around the block can see right through it. Good luck.

Oh, and: Philippoussis? Try Arnon Grünberg. :)
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:41 PM on July 3, 2007

I'm 33, I frequent dating sites, and although my own searches are confined to my own age bracket, I regularly get messages and smiles from younger men - as young as 18 is not uncommon. There's no way I would date any teenagers, but someone 25 or older I would at least consider. But it would depend on how drawn I felt to his profile - both text and picture. If he sounds like an immature doofus who only wants to party, forget it. I'd put something in the ad along the lines of what you wrote in your question, because it does sound attractive. What woman doesn't want to rock a cute guy's world, no matter what age he is?;-)
posted by orange swan at 6:51 PM on July 3, 2007

Also, as your profile says you're in Palo Alto, do you work in tech? Are you sure you have exhausted your channels to meet a 30-sth lady via work-related events? I know IT tends by stereotype to be a male-dominated industry; but then I'm not to judge, as I do work in IT but for a women's clothing company - so it's only our part of the building that's a boyzone. :)

I should say a little more about my situation:

I'm moving to NY at the end of summer to manage a band, also work part-time as an EMT and a barback. If those plans fall through, I'm moving to Tahoe and trying my hand at brush-fire fighting.

Also, what about just doing the online dating thing, with your preferred age range set for late 20s to mid-30s?

I can't. Pride.
posted by Mach3avelli at 6:52 PM on July 3, 2007

I can't. Pride.

Well, fair enough, but:

NY / band / EMT / barback / fire-fighting

You're just setting us up, no? :P

No seriously, if you live through all that for a month or six and not end up with some wonderful 30-something lady, I will eat my hat. And I don't even have one.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:57 PM on July 3, 2007

What woman doesn't want to rock a cute guy's world, no matter what age he is?;-)

This bears repeating.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:58 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm a married, thirty-something woman, but if I was single, and looking to meet somebody, I might try joining a meetup group with an intellectual or cultural focus. That way I'd be more likely to meet people with whom I share a common interest.

www.meetup.com

Good luck.
posted by oilygoily at 6:59 PM on July 3, 2007

i'm 34 and my group of girl friends (all single) are in the late 20s–early 30s group. another friend and i tend to date younger guys—because we don't necessarily find the guys our age or older in our social circle and more mature than the guys in their mid-late 20s (we work in very youth-oriented industries). we all have our shit together, we all have or are buying our own houses, we have lives going on but we all still go to see bands, we still go to our regular bars and restaurants, to art gallery openings, to DWR events (while we check out the furniture we need to fill our houses). only one among us is sure she wants to have kids, the rest of us: not so sure. we all are looking for the guy for the long haul but aren't necessarily opposed to dating for fun while we wait to run into him.

really, in any social circle, i guarantee you that there is going to be the group of terrific single women who are older than you who are still single. we are all signed up on online dating services so agree with others who say it's a good place to start. generally if a guy contacts us online, can spell and string together a sentence, isn't rude or offensive, and seems agreeable, we'll certainly meet for a drink at the very least. also do not underestimate how agreeable to being approached randomly at a bar or a show or whatever a woman is—at least in our town, we find that guys don't do this nearly as much as they should and could.
posted by violetk at 7:04 PM on July 3, 2007

I can't. Pride.

That's a shame, really. My boyfriend and I met online 2 years ago and couldn't be happier. Your pride could be all that's standing in the way of meeting someone spectacular.
posted by scody at 7:08 PM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your pride could be all that's standing in the way of meeting someone spectacular.

ditto scody. not sure why some ppl still think going on an online service is still some sort of secret shame. i think you'd be surprised to discover how many ppl you know actually have profiles up—in all age brackets.

(p.s. if you do put up a profile, don't talk about how you're embarrassed about it—just own it, otherwise, really, then don't do it.)
posted by violetk at 7:15 PM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

The idea of online dating doesn't particularly interest me because it completely trumps spontaneity. There's no greater thrill than happening upon something great, seizing something in the moment. Online dating feels like a bastardized, assembly-line version of the real thing. You're responding to ads that come in the same box as forwards from your mom and free samples of viagra.

That said, I might give it a shot if IRL stuff doesn't pan out with all the other suggestions in this thread. :)
posted by Mach3avelli at 7:26 PM on July 3, 2007

I'm a 35 year old single woman. I meet everybody I meet through friends and at work. So, network with your friends and coworkers. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 7:29 PM on July 3, 2007

"The only reason I joined this online dating site is because I saw your profile" sounds like it could be a fan-freaking-tastic pickup line. You can really only use it once, tho, so you'd better mean it. FWIW, many of my friends have met their partners through online dating sites, and I think it has lost any stigma it used to have.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:33 PM on July 3, 2007

if your interests and path in life does not naturally intersect with these women, what will you have to offer them? (besides youth and stamina.)

I'm in the OP's age range, and youth and stamina will do nicely, thanks. Keep in mind that women hit their sexual peak in their 30s

Mach3avelli, you might find the grocery store a good spot to meet women. Try different ones at different times of day. The single women should be easy to spot. If you want something to offer besides youth and stamina you can learn to cook something exciting.

I'm moving to NY at the end of summer to manage a band, also work part-time as an EMT and a barback.

And you still felt you needed to ask this question? Amazing.
posted by yohko at 7:40 PM on July 3, 2007

BTW, the hot gossip among the single women I know in their 30's is all about who met a hottie online.
posted by yohko at 7:42 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Ok, you're all intriguing me enough that I'll give this online thing a shot.

Let's combine this thread with:

How do I build the perfect online profile? What are the best/most reputable online dating sites? What should the pictures incorporate? What mentionables should I avoid in my profile? Should I approach or wait to be approached?

Might as well go balls out on this like someone earlier suggested.
posted by Mach3avelli at 7:58 PM on July 3, 2007

I'm a 35-year old single woman who lives a town over from you so let me be very specific about where my demographic can be found:

1. Book readings at Kepler's
2. The salad bar at the Palo Alto or RWC Whole Foods. Someone tried to pick me up there tonight in fact. As he wasn't a hot 20-something I declined.
3. Pick any ethnic restaurant on Castro St in Mtn View on a Thursday or Friday night. Tons of us. Though we're probably with friends.
4. The Palo Alto Apple Store + Borders on a Saturday night when there's not much else to do. Look in the magazine and art book racks.
5. Continuing Studies classes at Stanford. Especially the writing ones. I just finished a class with 20 other women in my age range, a few of us being single and there was one guy. ONE. He was probably about 25 and I doubt there was anyone in that class who didn't tap their pen thoughtfully against their lips and wonder...
6. Sunday morning Menlo Park farmer's markets dodging strollers and Presbyterians.
7. Sunday afternoon walking The Dish.

And yeah, online dating. It's tough there for a 35 year old because all the men our age want to date fresh ovaries.

Avoid: the BBC. It's like a cougar wildlife exhibit in there!
posted by marylynn at 8:06 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yes, I loathe the BBC. Trashiest place ever, and very little room to dance.

My first date with my last girlfriend was spent walking the Dish on a Sunday morning. But she's 18. I can see where all the rest of the eye-candy you're talking about is, though, hmmm...
posted by Mach3avelli at 8:15 PM on July 3, 2007

Move to Vancouver. If you aren't a total asshat (and you sound pretty decent), you'd be hog-tied in no time!
posted by solongxenon at 9:07 PM on July 3, 2007

... the only older women who show up are dressed like washed-up porn stars and reek of Safeway-brand vodka ...

You say that like it's a bad thing.

But really, get over your Web fears — it's just one more option these days.
posted by rob511 at 9:23 PM on July 3, 2007

I followed some links around from one of the dating sites and took this personality test. I think my results will scare off any suitors. The ridiculously polarized scales at the bottom make me appear like the biggest asshat ever.
posted by Mach3avelli at 10:54 PM on July 3, 2007

Crash some different bars and clubs - upmarket dance clubs which have an 80's or retro theme going.
posted by -harlequin- at 12:20 AM on July 4, 2007

(my last ex idolized Mischa Barton, if that's any indication)

Y'know, you definitely have high standards. Mischa Barton is pretty high on the classy scale, especially for someone in their early twenties to like. If she was idolizing Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie, you'd have a great point :) Good luck in your search! I actually advise nightclubs (not a bar) - it might take you out of your preferred area though. My friend has had luck with older women in this department, especially since that's why many of them go.. and it's become more popular to club in your 30s now.
posted by wackybrit at 4:43 AM on July 4, 2007

Volunteer work.

When I was in my 20s I dated a few "older" women who I met through volunteer work.

The types of volunteer work I did were working at a daycare, and desktop publishing / graphic design for various Arts organizations.

Also, community college classes. They are like $50 a pop, so if there is no one there the first night that interests you, you can just ditch it unless the course itself seems like it is going to be rewarding. Best are acting, improv, sketching, poetry etc.
posted by lastobelus at 4:57 AM on July 4, 2007

Should I approach or wait to be approached?

Put up a profile with a nice current photo, no other people in it, no motorcycle/boat/car. You probably need to take some new photos just for your profile. Smile. Describe yourself in a way that will appeal to those you seek. Read women's profiles, and write considered replies where you mention or ask about something that demonstrates you have read their profile. Judging by your writing here, you are already ahead of 90% of the guys on these sites. Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.

I'm looking to meet cultured, intelligent, ambitious, self-confident women

You can put that right in there. Ummm... in your profile, I mean.
posted by yohko at 7:35 AM on July 4, 2007

30-35? women in that age group are everywhere -- your question made me think at first you wanted to meet 50 year old ladies or something. the suggestions about museums and art galleries and such are spot-on, this is not the 1950s anymore where women that age used to be all married. unless you hang out at high schools, they're really everywhere

also, what's wrong with idolising Mischa Barton?
posted by matteo at 9:12 AM on July 4, 2007

what's wrong with idolising Mischa Barton?

In a world of martyrs, laureates, and satirists, I think there's better icons worthy of adoration than a hot actress who appeared on her favorite TV show and reminded her of herself.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with that, it just runs counter to my worldview in terms of salience and substance. To each their own, compatibility notwithstanding.


.........

Actually, I take that all back. Jean Claude Van Damme is one of my idols because he's a fellow native Belgian and he's got the body type I'm aiming for. Not much substance there, either.

But man, it did say a lot about dating a younger girl that she didn't even know who Van Damme was. My friends never stopped giving me shit for that one.
posted by Mach3avelli at 9:40 AM on July 4, 2007

Uh, dude, all it said was that she wasn't into bad action flicks, and his heyday was before her time.

You do realize that if you date someone with a five-year advantage on you, they'll be a bit beamused at some of your choices and cultural blindspots?

Let's hope she's more forgiving.
posted by canine epigram at 6:47 AM on July 5, 2007

It wasn't that at all. Merely a reflection of how young she was.
posted by Mach3avelli at 4:16 PM on July 5, 2007

there are a lot of bright, ambitious, mature, quirky, cultured 25-year-old women out there.

No there's not. 25-year-old women are practically all uncultured idiots.

My advice: be more agressive in day-to-day life. The wonderful thing about older women is that they're not really surprised by anything and they are very forgiving about the whole 'making an ass of yourself' thing. So next time you see an older women who catches your eye don't be shy, be brazen (but then don't be a creep), and let her know in clear terms that you think she's hot stuff. And remember that these things always always work themselves out in the end.
posted by nixerman at 3:56 AM on July 11, 2007