Staying connected over distance

December 8, 2006 2:40 PM

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-filter: next year, I shall be starting a new job which involves spending a significant amount of time away from my wife. As in opposite coasts of the continent separated. I’m setting up some things to help us stay connected (setting up skype with video, a slingbox so we can watch TV together, a webcam so she can keep an eye on me, that sort of thing), but what other simple, practical things can we do to stay connected? How have you handled this?
posted by baggers to Human Relations (15 answers total)

See each other as much as possible. I'm in a LDR for a while right now, and every time we see each other it just makes it harder to be apart. But that's a good thing - otherwise we might grow complacent about being apart.
posted by Amizu at 2:44 PM on December 8, 2006

Send a postcard every day. Or maybe every other day. Something small and easy with a single sentence that keeps you there and in each other's thoughts.
posted by humuhumu at 2:48 PM on December 8, 2006

i remember
a friend passed on a word
from that baz luhrmann sunscreen monologue:
"Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle."
i say this because maybe
if your wife is of most importance
the baggers should go back to their choosers.
posted by Milkman Dan at 2:50 PM on December 8, 2006

I was in an LDR for a year and you have a lot more options nowadays than I did (waaaaay back in '00), so I recommend doing all that you suggest, plus text messages and weekend visits. Send each other little gifts (even if it's as lame as a picture taken with your cell phone of a bed with the text message "Wish we were here") as often as possible.

How long will this be the case? A few months? Years?
posted by parilous at 3:19 PM on December 8, 2006

It might be neat to set up a particular "date night"...I know that you plan to keep in touch a lot, but having a specific time on a specific day to have a special phone or video chat might give her something to look forward to, and reassure her that she'll get some time with you even when your job gets busy.

Also, when my husband and I were dating we lived 45 minutes apart, but due to our schedules being opposite we couldn't see each other much. I found that a little text message from him in the middle of the day just saying, "I love you" or "I'm thinking about you" really made me smile. I think that in situations like this it's all about letting her know that you're thinking of her and wish you were closer to her.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:20 PM on December 8, 2006

Are you sure you really want to take a job that would require you to spend excessive time away from your family? I'd never even consider it, unless it was for a brief, finite time. Even then I probably wouldn't.

If I may paraphrase the great expat intellectual Gwenyth Paltrow: work to live, don't live to work.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:23 PM on December 8, 2006

Hey, all, some goood suggestions here, keep 'em coming. As to the people asking about why we are doing this: It's a temporary thing for a great job. Work to live, yes, but seize great opportinities when they come along...
posted by baggers at 3:57 PM on December 8, 2006

Don't overlook the power of real handwritten letters. Going through their things after my Mom and Dad died, I found 47 years of Valentines Day cards she'd kept from him, and I think every hand written letter he'd ever sent her. And the ribbon around the letters was pretty worn; she'd obviously tied and untied it many times.

That worn ribbon was the really touching part.
posted by paulsc at 4:13 PM on December 8, 2006

Dang, that's a nice story, paulsc! Warms the heart, it does.
posted by fillsthepews at 5:06 PM on December 8, 2006

This thread has a few good ideas. I'm in a seriously long distance(5000 miles) relationship - one good idea that I got off MeFi, though I can't find the thread, is to set an alarm on your phone or watch, with a little message if possible. Set them to go off at the same time, even in different time zones. Even on days when I don't get to speak to my girl, come a certain time of day I always spare a second to see this little message on my screen and smile.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:06 PM on December 8, 2006

Another thread worth checking out.
posted by JPowers at 11:01 PM on December 8, 2006

My guy is 900 miles away and we only get to see each other once a month, so we use a virtual date scheme along the lines of the book-reading suggestion above. We pick a movie and a type of food, and then each of us goes independently to that kind of restaurant and the flick. Later, we hook up by IM or phone and talk about both. Just like date night. Sort of.
posted by picopebbles at 11:15 PM on December 8, 2006

My wife and kids live 1500 kms away. We have started using sms [texting?] on our cell phones, at all times of the day, and over a few weeks this has become a lifeline of sorts.
I will be setting up Skype video for the kids, but sms has a value all its own.
posted by metaswell at 2:31 AM on December 9, 2006

I am in a LDR and as said above, sms (texting), phonecalls and IM are lifelines. Be sure to share all the little details, agenda en frustrations. That way you both feel involved and you kow what the other person does every time of the day. Takes tons of pictures of little things in life and email them or put them on an image hosting site like flickr, with a privacy option. Use a webcam and phone to talk to the kids. My son (5) loves the speaker phone + cam option! He also makes drawings etc. that he shows on cam or that we send by mail. The drawings work like a diary to him. We also have a cam on when we have a party or just dinner so my partner can see and hear what is going on and be part of it. And most of all: see each other as much as possible!
posted by kudzu at 5:49 AM on December 9, 2006

Also in an LDR, seconding IM. The ability to say something to you *instantly* will be key for her (and vice versa) if at all possible.

Also, on top of all the good stuff above (hand-written letters / cards - that's pure $ right there), I recommend picking up small things during the trip that make you think of her. Sometimes I run to Barnes and Noble during the week, sometimes I just walk around the airport shops looking for things until something jumps out. Sometimes its specific, sometimes I have to resort to flowers, but the point is that showing up with something makes her realize you were thinking about her before you showed up.

And on those nights on the road when you've worked really late and all you want to do is crash, spend that extra 10 minutes calling her. Even if its just to tell her you're falling asleep because of the stupidly long day. Don't do it for her, do that one for you. Trust me.
posted by allkindsoftime at 4:53 PM on December 9, 2006