Calling all passive-aggressives
November 2, 2006 5:37 PM Subscribe
What are some good examples of gifts that are anything but? I know the obvious classics--drums for a 2-year-old, liquor for an alcoholic--but am looking for ones that are more insidious. Oh yes, there's
As the holiday season is upon us, I've been thinking of the ultimate "fuck you" gift: the one that keeps on giving anguish and annoyance. The ideal is one that does not insult upon opening, that, in fact, seems like a great gift until living with it for a couple months. Examples:
- For kids: a super-cute plush toy that they love and that incessantly repeats the same phrase (think Barney, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family"), rendering the parents insane;
- For adults: an organizer that charts their successes and sends daily (hourly?) reminders on progress; the end result is that they feel like a loser.
Disclaimer: note that this is for a fiction project and that I do not intend to give any of these "gifts" to anyone nor do I accept responsibility if you do (unless the recipient really, really deserves it. In that case, hats off.).
As the holiday season is upon us, I've been thinking of the ultimate "fuck you" gift: the one that keeps on giving anguish and annoyance. The ideal is one that does not insult upon opening, that, in fact, seems like a great gift until living with it for a couple months. Examples:
- For kids: a super-cute plush toy that they love and that incessantly repeats the same phrase (think Barney, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family"), rendering the parents insane;
- For adults: an organizer that charts their successes and sends daily (hourly?) reminders on progress; the end result is that they feel like a loser.
Disclaimer: note that this is for a fiction project and that I do not intend to give any of these "gifts" to anyone nor do I accept responsibility if you do (unless the recipient really, really deserves it. In that case, hats off.).
I think it was Amy Sedaris on the Daily Show who was explaining housewarming gifts and said something about bamboo being a terrible gift because it lives forever and you have to take care of it. The giver will always come over and expect to see the bamboo.
posted by Frank Grimes at 5:43 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by Frank Grimes at 5:43 PM on November 2, 2006
I was going to suggest a puppy... but that's obviosu from the start. How about a cute chubby kitten that grows into a couger? Or a pet spider in a mesh container, pregnant with young ones that can fit through the mesh?
posted by -harlequin- at 5:45 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by -harlequin- at 5:45 PM on November 2, 2006
A world of warcraft account?
posted by -harlequin- at 5:47 PM on November 2, 2006 [4 favorites]
posted by -harlequin- at 5:47 PM on November 2, 2006 [4 favorites]
A beautiful piece of clothing that is either several sizes too big if the recipient is thin (implying that the person looks fatter than they are) or several sizes too small if the recipient is overweight. If the latter, perhaps write in the card insinuating that the recipient should aspire to fit into it.
posted by decathecting at 5:48 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by decathecting at 5:48 PM on November 2, 2006
A gift certificate for an hour in a sensory deprivation tank for someone with claustrophobia
The DVD of Charlotte's Web for someone with arachnophobia
A baker's dozen of their favorite cookies for someone with triskaidekaphobia
A gift certificate to the local mall for someone with agoraphobia
posted by iconomy at 5:48 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
The DVD of Charlotte's Web for someone with arachnophobia
A baker's dozen of their favorite cookies for someone with triskaidekaphobia
A gift certificate to the local mall for someone with agoraphobia
posted by iconomy at 5:48 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
A giftbox of BodyShop toiletries containing cellulite and wrinkle cream, and deoderant.
posted by arha at 5:50 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by arha at 5:50 PM on November 2, 2006
I used to work with a real racist and signed him up with a 2 year subscription when I got a free offer from Black Enterprise magazine. In addition to the monthly magazine, he now also receives lots of junk mail from the NAACP, United Negro College Fund and others. Maybe not as subtle as what you're looking for, but definitely a gift that keeps on giving.
posted by buggzzee23 at 5:51 PM on November 2, 2006 [6 favorites]
posted by buggzzee23 at 5:51 PM on November 2, 2006 [6 favorites]
a diamond engagement ring.
posted by brina at 5:59 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by brina at 5:59 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
For intimate partners to give each other (unrequested) household tools. Darling, I knew you wanted a blender.
Complicated puzzle that is impossible to solve or complete. Books or lessons in something difficult for the recipient. Sweetheart, I thought, since the accident that took your thumbs, you'd have more time to play the guitar like you always wanted.
Souvenirs of far off places when you know you'll never get there yourself. Oh sister dear, we just want to rub our globetrotting in your face with this tasteless Scottish tea-towel.
From the same sister-in-law, a fridge magnet that says Boring women have immaculate houses. So what, am I boring or a slob?
How about mispelling the name of your 14 year old niece (again) in her birthday card?
What about the same thing as last year that the ricipient didn't look too pleased about then?
Certificate to a glamour shot place. Am I not pretty enough?
Furbies, by the way, talk way too much.
Oh, here's one, intensive facial repair kit for someone who wasn't aware that they have disfiguring wrinkles. Makeup for someone who never wears it. A basic or beginner's cookbook for an adult who throws dinner parties (thought you could use this dear, after the last do.)
Alright, bah humbug, don't buy anything for me. I'm obviously too difficult to please.
posted by b33j at 6:02 PM on November 2, 2006
Complicated puzzle that is impossible to solve or complete. Books or lessons in something difficult for the recipient. Sweetheart, I thought, since the accident that took your thumbs, you'd have more time to play the guitar like you always wanted.
Souvenirs of far off places when you know you'll never get there yourself. Oh sister dear, we just want to rub our globetrotting in your face with this tasteless Scottish tea-towel.
From the same sister-in-law, a fridge magnet that says Boring women have immaculate houses. So what, am I boring or a slob?
How about mispelling the name of your 14 year old niece (again) in her birthday card?
What about the same thing as last year that the ricipient didn't look too pleased about then?
Certificate to a glamour shot place. Am I not pretty enough?
Furbies, by the way, talk way too much.
Oh, here's one, intensive facial repair kit for someone who wasn't aware that they have disfiguring wrinkles. Makeup for someone who never wears it. A basic or beginner's cookbook for an adult who throws dinner parties (thought you could use this dear, after the last do.)
Alright, bah humbug, don't buy anything for me. I'm obviously too difficult to please.
posted by b33j at 6:02 PM on November 2, 2006
Bride's magazine subscription for your sister who desperately wants to find a man, and/or just broke up wth one, and/or can't get him to commit.
posted by GaelFC at 6:10 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by GaelFC at 6:10 PM on November 2, 2006
b33j, like this?
A friend was given a bird for his birthday by his ex when they were still together. The gift that kept on taking, was his opinion. Lived three months.
Software is always a good gift, in this vein. Between outdated operating systems, special hardware needs, complicated installs, confusing manuals and steep learning curve, not to mention the perceived expense (and therefore guilt) and possible loss of existing functionality, software is a winner. "Yeah, grandma, well, it needs to download the latest patches. It should be done in, er, nine hours. Sorry? Well, we can't interrupt it, I'm sure the rest of the family won't be calling on Christmas day, eh?"
posted by maxwelton at 6:11 PM on November 2, 2006
A friend was given a bird for his birthday by his ex when they were still together. The gift that kept on taking, was his opinion. Lived three months.
Software is always a good gift, in this vein. Between outdated operating systems, special hardware needs, complicated installs, confusing manuals and steep learning curve, not to mention the perceived expense (and therefore guilt) and possible loss of existing functionality, software is a winner. "Yeah, grandma, well, it needs to download the latest patches. It should be done in, er, nine hours. Sorry? Well, we can't interrupt it, I'm sure the rest of the family won't be calling on Christmas day, eh?"
posted by maxwelton at 6:11 PM on November 2, 2006
An aquarium with finicky fish, tell them what good feng shui an aquarium is but only if it's kept immaculately clean and the fish healthy.
A subscription to a magazine or a bunch of them. I used to get Science News, wonderful magazine but it comes every week and is almost impossible to keep up with. I still feel guilty about the ones I didn't read. I used to get it for my brother-in-law too and he had the same experience.
A cheese or whatever of the month club, carefully chosen, could be annoying.
posted by BoscosMom at 6:13 PM on November 2, 2006
A subscription to a magazine or a bunch of them. I used to get Science News, wonderful magazine but it comes every week and is almost impossible to keep up with. I still feel guilty about the ones I didn't read. I used to get it for my brother-in-law too and he had the same experience.
A cheese or whatever of the month club, carefully chosen, could be annoying.
posted by BoscosMom at 6:13 PM on November 2, 2006
For the children of people you dislike: Playdoh! It either gets eaten or smeared all over the carpet, etc.
posted by unknowncommand at 6:17 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by unknowncommand at 6:17 PM on November 2, 2006
Traditionally, if you hated parents you gave their daughter a Barbie doll. Just one set of clothes, however. And no accessories, and no dreamhouse, and...
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 6:29 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 6:29 PM on November 2, 2006
For the children of people you dislike: Playdoh! It either gets eaten or smeared all over the carpet, etc.
posted by unknowncommand
My sister the health nut gave little cans of Pladoh instead of candy to the trick or treaters this year. We were laughing about how many parents she managed to anonymously piss off.
posted by buggzzee23 at 6:30 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by unknowncommand
My sister the health nut gave little cans of Pladoh instead of candy to the trick or treaters this year. We were laughing about how many parents she managed to anonymously piss off.
posted by buggzzee23 at 6:30 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
One year my aunt and uncle got me a supersoaker without getting my little brother one. The next year, my parents got my cousin a slingshot.
posted by klangklangston at 6:35 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 6:35 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
A painting you know they'll hate. They don't want to insult you, so they've got to hang it on their wall, but every time they see it they're thinking, "that is just awful."
For this exact reason, my mom's had a print very similar to this one hanging in her bathroom for about 7 years. Diabolical.
posted by Hildago at 6:37 PM on November 2, 2006
For this exact reason, my mom's had a print very similar to this one hanging in her bathroom for about 7 years. Diabolical.
posted by Hildago at 6:37 PM on November 2, 2006
Giving somone a valuable/large gift that they will not have the ability to secure/insure/store.
posted by dgeiser13 at 6:47 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by dgeiser13 at 6:47 PM on November 2, 2006
I barely remember Martin Amis's The Information except for one moment: the striving writer protagonist mails a copy of the enormous Sunday LA Times to his more-successful rival, with a note: "Saw you mentioned in here." The rival has to comb laboriously through all 24 thick sections of the paper, looking in vain for his name to be mentioned somewhere.
posted by Eater at 6:52 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by Eater at 6:52 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
Hildago's post reminds me of one of George Clooney's more elaborate pranks.
Fair warning: Link goes to Oprah web site.
posted by chairface at 6:53 PM on November 2, 2006
Fair warning: Link goes to Oprah web site.
posted by chairface at 6:53 PM on November 2, 2006
I used to work with a real racist and signed him up with a 2 year subscription when I got a free offer from Black Enterprise magazine. In addition to the monthly magazine, he now also receives lots of junk mail from the NAACP, United Negro College Fund and others. Maybe not as subtle as what you're looking for, but definitely a gift that keeps on giving.
On a related note, I had a rabidly homophobic acquaintence that had a big birthday party. Some friends and I bought him a nice tee-shirt, from the International Male catalogue, and had it delivered to his home. This simple act placed him on many a GLB mailing list.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:57 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
On a related note, I had a rabidly homophobic acquaintence that had a big birthday party. Some friends and I bought him a nice tee-shirt, from the International Male catalogue, and had it delivered to his home. This simple act placed him on many a GLB mailing list.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:57 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Wow, these are so fantastic I can't mark any as best answer. Needless to say, I am happy to not get any gifts from you!
Keep them coming!
posted by sfkiddo at 6:59 PM on November 2, 2006
Keep them coming!
posted by sfkiddo at 6:59 PM on November 2, 2006
Joke book for a five year old who's just learned to read.
Ask my parents how they know....
posted by katemonster at 7:11 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ask my parents how they know....
posted by katemonster at 7:11 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
Young teenager wants a cellphone, so his parents buy him one. He is ecstatic upon receiving it, but whenever he's out with friends, he is inundated with calls from his parents asking where he is, thus embarrassing him.
You know how white sneakers are/were in style? I know people who went home and cleaned them regularly to keep them in pristine condition. Takes more effort than it's worth, IMO.
posted by catburger at 7:15 PM on November 2, 2006
You know how white sneakers are/were in style? I know people who went home and cleaned them regularly to keep them in pristine condition. Takes more effort than it's worth, IMO.
posted by catburger at 7:15 PM on November 2, 2006
Chocolate or cookies to someone who loves chocolate or cookies -- and (you also know) is trying to lose weight. Evil.
posted by hazelshade at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by hazelshade at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2006
Big box of chocolates for someone who is diabetic or very overweight.
A certificate to a tanning salon for someone who is black.
A honey glazed gam for someone who is Jewish or Muslim.
A book on etiquette for anyone.
A bottle of Midol for a young woman.
A can of spray on hair to a man who's balding.
posted by orange swan at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2006
A certificate to a tanning salon for someone who is black.
A honey glazed gam for someone who is Jewish or Muslim.
A book on etiquette for anyone.
A bottle of Midol for a young woman.
A can of spray on hair to a man who's balding.
posted by orange swan at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2006
A honey glazed gam for someone who is Jewish or Muslim.
Depends on how strict they are. I've got plenty of Muslim friends in the Middle East where it's hard to get for whom this would be mannah from heaven!
posted by Pollomacho at 7:33 PM on November 2, 2006
Depends on how strict they are. I've got plenty of Muslim friends in the Middle East where it's hard to get for whom this would be mannah from heaven!
posted by Pollomacho at 7:33 PM on November 2, 2006
a framed litho of Speechless given to a very sentimental cheating ex-girlfriend who didn't buy it before because it was too sad
posted by NortonDC at 7:39 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by NortonDC at 7:39 PM on November 2, 2006
Introduce them to the world's worst hobby: Get them a metal detector.
posted by IvyMike at 7:47 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by IvyMike at 7:47 PM on November 2, 2006
Baby clothes or maternity wear for a fat woman.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:47 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by blue_beetle at 7:47 PM on November 2, 2006
The book "Love you Forever" to a new parent.
posted by bondcliff at 8:12 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by bondcliff at 8:12 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
A friend was given (for her c. 24th birthday) a bottle of "White Shoulders" perfume from a close friend. Said it made her feel like an old lady instantly (WS is an old lady's perfume).
Really, any gift given to a youngish person implying you think they're much older than they are can really cause some soul searching and a lot of mirror time.
A very unimaginative co-worker bought two large bottles of cologne (probably "Polo, the cologne for men who don't wear cologne but think they should") for her boyfriend (also a worker in the office, their romance was fairly new) for xmas. Her immediate coworkers knew about the gift, and started casually and carefully bringing up stories about bad hygiene and how they dealt with it while around this woman's boyfriend: giving soaps and boxes of mints, etc. They told all sorts of tales about men they had known who just reeked, and how they had tried gifts of cologne in the vain hope that the man would at least drown out the stench with fragrance.
I gather it worked like a charm.
posted by maxwelton at 8:15 PM on November 2, 2006
Really, any gift given to a youngish person implying you think they're much older than they are can really cause some soul searching and a lot of mirror time.
A very unimaginative co-worker bought two large bottles of cologne (probably "Polo, the cologne for men who don't wear cologne but think they should") for her boyfriend (also a worker in the office, their romance was fairly new) for xmas. Her immediate coworkers knew about the gift, and started casually and carefully bringing up stories about bad hygiene and how they dealt with it while around this woman's boyfriend: giving soaps and boxes of mints, etc. They told all sorts of tales about men they had known who just reeked, and how they had tried gifts of cologne in the vain hope that the man would at least drown out the stench with fragrance.
I gather it worked like a charm.
posted by maxwelton at 8:15 PM on November 2, 2006
For intimate partners to give each other (unrequested) household tools.
A slight variation: Give as a birthday or Christmas gift some necessary (e.g. household) item whose purchase was planned (or otherwise imminent) anyway -- especially where gifts are paid for out of the same joint finances from which the household item would have been paid for in any case.
posted by winston at 8:51 PM on November 2, 2006
A slight variation: Give as a birthday or Christmas gift some necessary (e.g. household) item whose purchase was planned (or otherwise imminent) anyway -- especially where gifts are paid for out of the same joint finances from which the household item would have been paid for in any case.
posted by winston at 8:51 PM on November 2, 2006
Anything with a lot of small bits that are easily lost or spread about. I'm thinking here of a pretty clear vase that is full of lovely multicolored marbles. The key to this trick is that the vase has a small base, and when full of said marbles is top heavy.
This is ideal if the recipient has a cat.
Similarly if the person is a neat freak, get them a plant that uses really fine volcanic soil. Something that spreads around really easily and gets into everything.
A really baroque ornate giant (GIANT) crucifix. Ideal if the person is only moderately religious.
posted by quin at 8:59 PM on November 2, 2006
This is ideal if the recipient has a cat.
Similarly if the person is a neat freak, get them a plant that uses really fine volcanic soil. Something that spreads around really easily and gets into everything.
A really baroque ornate giant (GIANT) crucifix. Ideal if the person is only moderately religious.
posted by quin at 8:59 PM on November 2, 2006
If the recipient's name happens to be one of the Xmas key words (like Joy) you can get huge banners to hang in their living space - something horrendous where they feel either incredibly egotistical for actually hanging it up, or mean for not displaying it. (In this particular case, the gift was given to me by someone named Carol. I'm just waiting on Xmas to pay her back).
posted by b33j at 9:10 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by b33j at 9:10 PM on November 2, 2006
Riffing off another answer - a jigsaw or similar puzzle, especially a huge, complex one, for someone who loves such things - but before giving, remove two pieces.
A bird feeder, for someone who (at least kind of) likes birds, but is on a limited budget - they'll soon have to decide between more birdseed and say, going to a movie or dining out.
Crack cocaine? Okay, I'm out of ideas.
posted by attercoppe at 9:12 PM on November 2, 2006
A bird feeder, for someone who (at least kind of) likes birds, but is on a limited budget - they'll soon have to decide between more birdseed and say, going to a movie or dining out.
Crack cocaine? Okay, I'm out of ideas.
posted by attercoppe at 9:12 PM on November 2, 2006
If the recipient's name happens to be one of the Xmas key words (like Joy) you can get huge banners to hang in their living space - something horrendous where they feel either incredibly egotistical for actually hanging it up, or mean for not displaying it. (In this particular case, the gift was given to me by someone named Carol. I'm just waiting on Xmas to pay her back).
On the same sort of line, a birthday card at Christmas time. I mean, if your name is Holly, of course you're born in December. Try June, smartarse
posted by cholly at 9:35 PM on November 2, 2006
On the same sort of line, a birthday card at Christmas time. I mean, if your name is Holly, of course you're born in December. Try June, smartarse
posted by cholly at 9:35 PM on November 2, 2006
The book "Love you Forever" to a new parent.
That damn book made me cry in public. In the middle of a bookstore. And not just a sniffle, but actual tears running down cheeks, choking back sobs crying, and it did it in about 45 seconds flat, which is how long it takes to read. It's like it has some kind of supernatural power to dig into the very heart of parental love and rip it bleeding out of your chest for close examination.
Erm, gift ideas. Some kind of indoor garden kit, like a grow your own herbs thing, for someone who has neither the space nor the inclination. Make sure you go over every week to check its progress, or at least call.
For a serious cook, some inappropriate cookbook idea: either insultingly elementary, or a novelty cookbook.
posted by jokeefe at 9:46 PM on November 2, 2006
That damn book made me cry in public. In the middle of a bookstore. And not just a sniffle, but actual tears running down cheeks, choking back sobs crying, and it did it in about 45 seconds flat, which is how long it takes to read. It's like it has some kind of supernatural power to dig into the very heart of parental love and rip it bleeding out of your chest for close examination.
Erm, gift ideas. Some kind of indoor garden kit, like a grow your own herbs thing, for someone who has neither the space nor the inclination. Make sure you go over every week to check its progress, or at least call.
For a serious cook, some inappropriate cookbook idea: either insultingly elementary, or a novelty cookbook.
posted by jokeefe at 9:46 PM on November 2, 2006
>A gift certificate to the local mall for someone with agoraphobia
I see what you did there.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 10:07 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
I see what you did there.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 10:07 PM on November 2, 2006 [2 favorites]
A plant terrarium for the bedroom, within which grow a bunch of plants carefully designed to flower the next year and turn the allergy sufferer's last and only refuge into hell.
Actually, maybe scratch that idea - it's so low I feel bad just for having thought about it. :)
posted by -harlequin- at 10:09 PM on November 2, 2006
Actually, maybe scratch that idea - it's so low I feel bad just for having thought about it. :)
posted by -harlequin- at 10:09 PM on November 2, 2006
A jar of sour balls for a woman who is a complete harridan.
posted by brujita at 11:15 PM on November 2, 2006
posted by brujita at 11:15 PM on November 2, 2006
Something that's difficult to install, such as a wood-burning stove.
Or conversely, a complete version of something the recipient was building as a hobby.
posted by RobotHero at 12:05 AM on November 3, 2006
Or conversely, a complete version of something the recipient was building as a hobby.
posted by RobotHero at 12:05 AM on November 3, 2006
A few years after I had moved out and got my first job, I gave my then 16 year old sister an electric guitar and amp for Christmas. My parents were not amused, but I thought it was funny. Also good, getting any teenager something that either explodes, or fires a projectile. I gave my little brother a deringer flare gun one Christmas.
Other great gifts - my brother, who is now a vet, got an inflatable love sheep for his last birthday. I didn't tell him about it, so he opened it in front of his girlfriend's relatives.
An ex-girlfriend asked for some manga from japan... I gave her the raunchiest, most disturbing amputee porn I could find. Well, that and the giant speculum I found in a shop in akihabara.
Also good - cock shaped ice-cube trays for a slightly homophobic friend. Also cock shaped pasta.
You may be familiar with tubgirl. I found the DVD from which that image is taken. Great for lovers of foreign films.
Damn I love Christmas.
posted by mock at 3:08 AM on November 3, 2006 [3 favorites]
Other great gifts - my brother, who is now a vet, got an inflatable love sheep for his last birthday. I didn't tell him about it, so he opened it in front of his girlfriend's relatives.
An ex-girlfriend asked for some manga from japan... I gave her the raunchiest, most disturbing amputee porn I could find. Well, that and the giant speculum I found in a shop in akihabara.
Also good - cock shaped ice-cube trays for a slightly homophobic friend. Also cock shaped pasta.
You may be familiar with tubgirl. I found the DVD from which that image is taken. Great for lovers of foreign films.
Damn I love Christmas.
posted by mock at 3:08 AM on November 3, 2006 [3 favorites]
I loathed my sister's ex, a much older, dominating prike, so I got him a load of dried squid for Christmas, told him it'd be good for his health, and encouraged him to eat a little every week. Made me happy for months, whenever he irritated me I'd start talking about squid.
posted by einekleine at 3:18 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by einekleine at 3:18 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
A bonsai tree. insanely difficult to keep alive without constant maintenance.
I gave my husband one for christmas five years ago. It lasted six months.
posted by talitha at 4:26 AM on November 3, 2006
I gave my husband one for christmas five years ago. It lasted six months.
posted by talitha at 4:26 AM on November 3, 2006
A very long, dry book that you've raved about. Ask them every two days if they still haven't finished it, with a look of outrage and pity.
posted by twoporedomain at 5:28 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by twoporedomain at 5:28 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
For Christmas of my third and fourth year alive, my uncle sent (respectively) a gumball machine and a mini drum set.
We didn't see much of him for the next few years.
posted by Mayor West at 5:53 AM on November 3, 2006
We didn't see much of him for the next few years.
posted by Mayor West at 5:53 AM on November 3, 2006
For someone who likes gadgets and technology, but has no actual experience with mechanics or electronics, a super-elaborate DIY kit, particularly one that requires soldering. Example.
posted by rifflesby at 6:00 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by rifflesby at 6:00 AM on November 3, 2006
Anything involving geneology.
posted by dragonsi55 at 6:25 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by dragonsi55 at 6:25 AM on November 3, 2006
Get them a magazine subscription to something they'll only be able to use briefly, but will get a full year's worth -- for instance if they're getting married, a gift subscription to Modern Bride might be helpful just up until the wedding takes place, but may be useless afterward. And be sure to order the subscription from eBay -- because the main subscription offices of the magazine aren't the subscription handlers, it's some 3rd party handler that redirects the issues they receive to whomever they're for, so they won't be able to cancel it themselves.
posted by vanoakenfold at 6:58 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by vanoakenfold at 6:58 AM on November 3, 2006
Baby clothes/accessories for those trying and failing.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 7:07 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by Mr. Gunn at 7:07 AM on November 3, 2006
In college, one of my favorite birthday gift-giving traditions was to get the gift recipient fantastically drunk, then encourage them to get a tattoo.
posted by saladin at 7:10 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by saladin at 7:10 AM on November 3, 2006
attercoppe: Riffing off another answer - a jigsaw or similar puzzle, especially a huge, complex one, for someone who loves such things - but before giving, remove two pieces.
I prefer to buy two of the same puzzle and mix up the pieces. It's even better if it's fiendishly difficult. IE: all white with a blueberry in the corner, or the same picture on both sides, rotated 90 degrees. Bonus points if the person is obsessive-compulsive.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 7:12 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
I prefer to buy two of the same puzzle and mix up the pieces. It's even better if it's fiendishly difficult. IE: all white with a blueberry in the corner, or the same picture on both sides, rotated 90 degrees. Bonus points if the person is obsessive-compulsive.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 7:12 AM on November 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
True stories, all:
Just for Men hairdye? Oh, yes.
My great-grandmother once made aprons for all the female family members. The one she made for my mother was ridiculously short, as a dig about the usual length of my mom’s skirts.
The first year my parents were married, Dad gave Mom a toaster. The next year, she gave him an iron. This then became a family tradition; in addition to good presents, from then on, Mom was sure to get a chainsaw or leaf blower, while Dad would get a blender or cookware.
My mom tends to give things she wants us to have, regardless of whether there’s any indication that we would want them. She gives Christian-themed storybooks to my daughter, short-sleeved plaid shirts to me, and pink turtleneck sweaters to my tattooed-chest wife. Family tradition, I guess.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:31 AM on November 3, 2006
Just for Men hairdye? Oh, yes.
My great-grandmother once made aprons for all the female family members. The one she made for my mother was ridiculously short, as a dig about the usual length of my mom’s skirts.
The first year my parents were married, Dad gave Mom a toaster. The next year, she gave him an iron. This then became a family tradition; in addition to good presents, from then on, Mom was sure to get a chainsaw or leaf blower, while Dad would get a blender or cookware.
My mom tends to give things she wants us to have, regardless of whether there’s any indication that we would want them. She gives Christian-themed storybooks to my daughter, short-sleeved plaid shirts to me, and pink turtleneck sweaters to my tattooed-chest wife. Family tradition, I guess.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:31 AM on November 3, 2006
Similar to RobotHero, a less impressive version of something they really want. As seen on some ep of L&O, where a kid heavily into model cars was given the simplistic, snap-together 10-piece version of the car he wanted, instead of the super-complex but more accurate 110 piece version, which all his other models were.
posted by timepiece at 7:57 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by timepiece at 7:57 AM on November 3, 2006
Thick wool sweaters for people living in Florida, Hawaii, etc.
posted by casarkos at 8:03 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by casarkos at 8:03 AM on November 3, 2006
We bought my friend's son tadpoles complete with a little aquarium and food for his birthday. Seemed harmless enough. Tadpoles grew into African Clawed Frog...who is REALLY ugly and scary looking and smells bad. The frog has some serious claws on him. They can't release the thing into the wild cause it isn't native and I guess could possibly breed, and wouldn't survive the climate contidions.
I have a feeling I'm in for it come gift giving time for that one.
posted by Gooney at 8:07 AM on November 3, 2006
I have a feeling I'm in for it come gift giving time for that one.
posted by Gooney at 8:07 AM on November 3, 2006
No one's brought up that old classic, fruitcake, yet? (Caveat: does not apply if the recipient, like me, actually likes fruitcake.)
a less impressive version of something they really want
Riffing on that, a "best of" collection of a television series on DVD, when they want entire seasons. Once they actually do collect all of the full seasons, the best of set is completely redundant.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:08 AM on November 3, 2006
a less impressive version of something they really want
Riffing on that, a "best of" collection of a television series on DVD, when they want entire seasons. Once they actually do collect all of the full seasons, the best of set is completely redundant.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:08 AM on November 3, 2006
a less impressive version of something they really wantGod, yes. I got a complete cookware set from Mom one year, when I had asked for one really good piece. Instead of hurting her feelings, I packed it all into my suitcase for the flight home, then hauled it out to the nearest Belk's (about a 150-mile round trip) to trade it in for, yes, one saucepan. I don't think it's passive-aggressiveness on Mom's part, rather that she just doesn't know the difference, so I suppose this is a bit off-topic.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:21 AM on November 3, 2006
I gave the boy next door the Masters of the Universe Mutant Slime Pit for his birthday one year. It was this great toy that let you strap a He-Man action figure into it and then dump a jar of green goo on his head.
Though it has long been obvious to me why his parents never invited me to another birthday party, it has only just now occurred to me that my parents MUST have known the effect the gift would have. I mean, I was maybe 8 years old--they must have approved and even paid for the thing. Weird.
posted by vytae at 8:32 AM on November 3, 2006
Though it has long been obvious to me why his parents never invited me to another birthday party, it has only just now occurred to me that my parents MUST have known the effect the gift would have. I mean, I was maybe 8 years old--they must have approved and even paid for the thing. Weird.
posted by vytae at 8:32 AM on November 3, 2006
I need to give a fuck you gift to an illiterate dimwitted 6 year old that lacks a personality. Anything too hard or too easy for him would be great. Help me out here, people.
Part 1: One of those Leapfrog (or Leappad) toys at about the second or third grade level. Just barely out of reach but compelling enough to keep his interest for a while - resulting in MAJOR 6 year old frustration. It will annoy the shit out the parents while he has tantrums trying to figure out how to use an obviously well-meaning gift.
Part 2: The first season DVD set of "The Osbornes" or "South Park" With any luck, the kid will get sick of the Leap pad, they'll put him in front of the TV with the DVD playing, and viola! You have a dimwitted, illiterate, foul-mouthed 6 year old with attitude issues.
posted by Carnage Asada at 8:54 AM on November 3, 2006
Part 1: One of those Leapfrog (or Leappad) toys at about the second or third grade level. Just barely out of reach but compelling enough to keep his interest for a while - resulting in MAJOR 6 year old frustration. It will annoy the shit out the parents while he has tantrums trying to figure out how to use an obviously well-meaning gift.
Part 2: The first season DVD set of "The Osbornes" or "South Park" With any luck, the kid will get sick of the Leap pad, they'll put him in front of the TV with the DVD playing, and viola! You have a dimwitted, illiterate, foul-mouthed 6 year old with attitude issues.
posted by Carnage Asada at 8:54 AM on November 3, 2006
A bible to an agnostic or atheist. Bonus points if there is a family bible which might be interesting from a historical standpoint but the gift is a brand new bible.
2nd hand baby clothes for newlyweds who have previously stated they plan to 'wait a few years' before starting a family.
Copies of the family recipes - nicely written & in a neat binder. All missing one small bit of information that ruins the recipe - like oven temperatures or correct measurements.
Underwear from anyone who is not your spouse or parent. (Who the hell buys bras for cousins?)
posted by jaimystery at 9:00 AM on November 3, 2006
2nd hand baby clothes for newlyweds who have previously stated they plan to 'wait a few years' before starting a family.
Copies of the family recipes - nicely written & in a neat binder. All missing one small bit of information that ruins the recipe - like oven temperatures or correct measurements.
Underwear from anyone who is not your spouse or parent. (Who the hell buys bras for cousins?)
posted by jaimystery at 9:00 AM on November 3, 2006
a friend's parents received a large, perpetually angry parrot for their wedding. from the groom's brother. without warning, without ever having expressed the desire for one. a) wtf parrot? b) those things live to be like 150 years old -- their grandkids will be able to hate this bird as much as they do.
posted by sonofslim at 9:24 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by sonofslim at 9:24 AM on November 3, 2006
1f2frfbf: I prefer to buy two of the same puzzle and mix up the pieces. It's even better if it's fiendishly difficult. IE: all white with a blueberry in the corner, or the same picture on both sides, rotated 90 degrees. Bonus points if the person is obsessive-compulsive.
Last year I picked up a beautiful wooden burr puzzle at a neighbor's garage sale - the owner had received it as a gift 5 years before and had never been able to solve it. An hour later I realized he sold me a puzzle with an extra piece...Took it back and showed him the solved puzzle - He was *livid*.
posted by enfa at 9:28 AM on November 3, 2006
Last year I picked up a beautiful wooden burr puzzle at a neighbor's garage sale - the owner had received it as a gift 5 years before and had never been able to solve it. An hour later I realized he sold me a puzzle with an extra piece...Took it back and showed him the solved puzzle - He was *livid*.
posted by enfa at 9:28 AM on November 3, 2006
vytae: maybe it was part of an ultimate plan to save money by stopping your being invited to birthday parties.
posted by parilous at 9:49 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by parilous at 9:49 AM on November 3, 2006
Bucket of lard and a spoon.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 10:07 AM on November 3, 2006
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 10:07 AM on November 3, 2006
A co-worker gave a 10-year savings bond to a very elderly in-law.
He and his wife have now split up, and he's much happier.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:53 AM on November 3, 2006
He and his wife have now split up, and he's much happier.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:53 AM on November 3, 2006
Whatever is the most annoying "free gift" for buying something featured in an annoying high rotation TV commercial. The Sports illustrated football phone or some reee-diculous stuffed POC doll free with any puchase of Lancome kind of clunker. It is also important to say that you picked it out just for them.
posted by SMELLSLIKEFUN at 5:03 PM on November 3, 2006
posted by SMELLSLIKEFUN at 5:03 PM on November 3, 2006
I just found this kit that utilizes used chewing gum to "paint" a picture. Chew by Numbers.
posted by BoscosMom at 2:21 PM on November 19, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by BoscosMom at 2:21 PM on November 19, 2006 [1 favorite]
Completely age-inappropriate gifts - when I was in my mid-20's, my aunt would give me oversized pastel nightshirts with appliqué kittens.
Anything bought in bulk at Sam's Club ("a case of floppies? How... swell!")
Anything with an "AS SEEN ON TV!!" sticker on it. Bonus points if it's electrical or has something to do with your toilet.
And my personal favorite white elephant - an 8x10 photograph of dear old Aunt Sue. Framed.
posted by jeni at 4:02 PM on November 29, 2006
Anything bought in bulk at Sam's Club ("a case of floppies? How... swell!")
Anything with an "AS SEEN ON TV!!" sticker on it. Bonus points if it's electrical or has something to do with your toilet.
And my personal favorite white elephant - an 8x10 photograph of dear old Aunt Sue. Framed.
posted by jeni at 4:02 PM on November 29, 2006
You remember when Radio Shack used to sell those "fire chief" helmets that had a light and siren on top of them? A friend of mine back in Michigan got those for the kids of some people he disliked. He also gave them a bulk package of batteries. They had four kids running around the house making an unholy racket for days.
posted by kindall at 7:41 PM on November 29, 2006
posted by kindall at 7:41 PM on November 29, 2006
oh, this is a great thread.
When I was about 7, my father gave my mother a toilet seat for Christmas. They are still married 30 years later.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:13 PM on November 30, 2006
When I was about 7, my father gave my mother a toilet seat for Christmas. They are still married 30 years later.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:13 PM on November 30, 2006
Let's not forget the old favorite of giving a gift to one person as a means of sticking it to another. Case in point: my brother giving software or other technology to our parents, knowing that he lives in LA and they live near me in the Bay Area, which means I end up providing tech support for his gifts. (After a few years of this, we instituted the "you give it, you support it" rule.)
posted by mosk at 6:35 PM on December 1, 2006
posted by mosk at 6:35 PM on December 1, 2006
This is great because I have to get a gift for the horrible Russian girl who convinced my brother to marry her. She is a spoiled bimbo and has no intellectual interests. I'm aiming for something that will leave her wondering whether I deliberately picked out something horrible, but that won't be too obvious. I want it to be right on that line. And to make her feel like a failure.
I like sfkiddo's personal organizer and jaimystery's recipe collection. My own thoughts:
-Britney Spears' new perfume
-A book of brain teasers
-Jack Womack's bleak New-Russia satire Let's Put the Future Behind Us
-This
posted by Tuffy at 8:04 PM on December 5, 2006
I like sfkiddo's personal organizer and jaimystery's recipe collection. My own thoughts:
-Britney Spears' new perfume
-A book of brain teasers
-Jack Womack's bleak New-Russia satire Let's Put the Future Behind Us
-This
posted by Tuffy at 8:04 PM on December 5, 2006
One friend of mine kept giving me coffee-related gifts, such as mugs and packets of specialty coffee. I hate coffee and never, ever drink it.
posted by orange swan at 6:24 AM on January 25, 2007
posted by orange swan at 6:24 AM on January 25, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by raf at 5:42 PM on November 2, 2006