How does this sex thing work anyway?

September 29, 2006 8:23 PM

Possibly NSFW question about sex and positioning inside.

I'm a heterosexual male and I always got the feeling intercourse was supposed to be easy after the first few times. Although I have been having sex for more than three years and have had four different partners, it's still not easy to achieve penetration in the first place.

Is it possible to do this without someone using their hand to insert? Because that's the only way I've ever managed it. And even then it frequently doesn't work. I just feel like I am positioning myself wrong or something. Before we can figure it out I will lose my erection.

I've experienced mainly the missionary position. It's easier if she holds her legs back. I used to do doggy-style with one partner although that could be pretty challenging. I doubt I would be capable of that position while wearing a condom (which my current partner insists on). No other position I have tried (for example lying sideways, or her on top) has worked satisfactorily with anyone.

The other thing is that when we do missionary it is not in a position where I find it is easy to push it in myself, and my partner has to do it. Again I was somehow under the impression that usually the man does it, so this leads me to believe that we are positioning ourselves incorrectly.

I've been to doctors. So far they have been unconcerned, said my tests and blood pressure are normal and told me that my erection difficulties are psychological, possibly due in part to bad relationships in the past, and a sex education system that scared me away from sex until I was in my mid-20s. Especially since I occasionally am able to have sex (without pharmacological assistance). I am unconvinced that the difficulties are entirely psychological, and also think that technique and experience is a part of it.

One doctor prescribed Cialis as a confidence booster (although he thinks is a psychological problem). It gives us more time to figure out how to do it right which is a good thing I guess. But even with the Cialis it isn't foolproof or easy (although the rate of success is higher). My insurance won't cover it, and I'd rather avoid extra drugs anyway. If this doesn't work he will refer me to psychosexual counseling which sounds humiliating and I'd really rather avoid it.

So what should I do?

If you want to respond confidentially, please write askmetafilter929 at gmail.

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 comments total)

It seems to me you are doing everything right. It usually takes a lot of lubrication to make it go in without hand holding...even then you may need to spread the labia a little.
posted by bleucube at 8:34 PM on September 29, 2006

Even if the conditions are right for it to go in without hand holding, it won't always, sometimes you'll try and you'll slip straight off in some other direction! :)

Anyway, my advice is.. when you've got the erection, get it in there and don't worry too much about how it got there :)
posted by wackybrit at 8:40 PM on September 29, 2006

Well, My favorite position is to have a bed that is high enough that I can stand next to the bed and have the woman lie down. I really think this would be good for you as being on your feet should be a little less clumsy than being on top of your partner, and having the bodies at right angles to each other gives a certain downward push to your penis that you can flex your penis against and this will help maintain an erection.
As for using your hand to guide in it is not unusual, some women are more than glad to help and this position does make it easier.
posted by Iron Rat at 8:40 PM on September 29, 2006

What you're experiencing is pretty normal. From my experience it takes some time before partners are comfortable with each other's bodies to achieve penetration without some guidance. Doubly so if everybody involved is young. All you need is practice.
posted by lekvar at 8:44 PM on September 29, 2006

Especially since I occasionally am able to have sex (without pharmacological assistance)

Clarification: does that mean he usually needs pharmcological assistance?


otherwise:

possibly due in part to bad relationships in the past, and a sex education system that scared me away from sex until I was in my mid-20s.

Any sex education that scares you from sex is bound to have some effect. So there may be some emotional problems to work there. Have you seena psychologist.

Finally, you may be worrying too much about. Are your partners bothered by it? If not, then let it go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:49 PM on September 29, 2006

you know, there is no real right or wrong here. stop thinking about it. if you feel it's easier to get in when using your hands, use your hands. you're supposed to have fun here, not follow a rule.

sex is supposed to be -gasp- relaxing and pleasurable. it's best when done wrong and without expectations. after all, what's the worst that could happen? you guys try something out, it doesn't work, you giggle and try something else.

don't worry.

well, except about pregnancy and stuff like that.
posted by krautland at 8:54 PM on September 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I think too many people worry that sex in real life is supposed to be like the sex portrayed in popular Hollywood movies -- all smooth and graceful and well-lit. But it isn't. Sex is often awkward and full of fumbling, especially when you're still learning the ropes. It doesn't matter how you get yourself in or what position you do it in -- the only thing that matters is that it's fun and pleasurable for both of you.
posted by junkbox at 9:16 PM on September 29, 2006

I am unconvinced that the difficulties are entirely psychological, and also think that technique and experience is a part of it.

I think yes, technique and experience are part of it, but mainly those come from practice. It will vary from partner to partner and night to night, and sometimes certain positions just don't work. But using hands to help with positioning is certainly normal, for both partners, and not something to particularly worry about. And I would echo that making sure you have enough lubrication, especially if you're using condoms, should help.
posted by oliver at 11:12 PM on September 29, 2006

Seriously-- it's not hollywood-- most of the time there is some manual assistance in insertion, or at least a little bit of 'in and out' before it goes all the way in. As a woman speaking here-- if you aren't having sex every night of the week, things tend to 'tighten up' and take a little extra effort after a few days. I say this as a woman in her mid-twenties, a similar age-range as I suspect your partners are, who has/ has had regular sex partners. If she's not freaked out, then don't worry about it. It doesn't always just slide right in. If she is freaked out, then maybe she's also has been swayed by hollywood/porno preconceptions. Just make sure she's nice and warmed up (from foreplay and/or lube) and work it on in there.
posted by greta simone at 11:25 PM on September 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

Notice all the mentions of lubrication here? The wetter she is, the easier it is for both of you and the better it is for her. One of the things you learn as you get older (ha, I say in my 20s :)) is that penetration is more intense the more you lead up to it. Try prolonging different kinds of foreplay until you can't stand it anymore (rather than just until you're "ready" or hard) and see where that takes you...
posted by lorimer at 11:47 PM on September 29, 2006

I second (third? fourth?) the "don't worry about it" advice. Not to be cruel, but you kind of sound like an alien inhabiting a human body wondering how to perform this "task" of sex. Relax. Don't think about it so much. If you've gotta use your hand to get it in, do so. I usually do, and I've been having regular sex for a good 10 years now (wow, I can't believe I said that). Nothing at all unusual about it. Sometimes my gf will reach down and guide Mr. Happy herself. In fact, I think women are better at this as they know exactly where it goes.

And what lorimer said, being able to go in without assistance depends very much upon how wet things are down there, whether from the woman naturally or with lubrication. Try out some lube and sex will be a totally different experience.

As for the limpness factor, you're not alone. It happens to all guys at one point or another, young guys too. The younger you are, the more likely the cause is psychological, but again, don't stress about this. It seems you're thinking too much about "doing it right" and that may cause your Mr. Happy to crawl into his cave. There's no right and wrong way, just the way(s) that make you and your partner happy. A position I've recently tried is like missionary, but instead of lying down "on top" your SO, kneel on the bed (facing her) and stretch your knees apart as far as you can. It was a bit painful for me at first but your body will adjust with time.
posted by zardoz at 1:02 AM on September 30, 2006

Jeez, think about it from a woman's point of view. Would you want some fleshy tube stabbing randomly, hoping to poke into you? I think not. Women are quite small on the outside and you're quite big, in all likelihood. We're all made of meat, my friend, and a little guidance is a good thing, except for the most well-lubricated and abandoned of circumstances. How do you expect it to just go in the right place? Do you have eyes at the end of your penis? I don't. And if your partner guides it in she can be assured it isn't unexpectedly prodding at her perineum or anus (which is in fact more of a risk with aforementioned extra lube). You shouldn't be thinking hands are cheating, you should be thinking hooray for helping hands.

What's wrong with you? Your expectations.

The good news is that with practice, both your expectations and your physical response will adjust.

if you can easily and safely obtain marijuana, I suggest that will do far more for your ability to relax and enjoy than any amount of cialis/viagra/tiger penis/bullshit stimulant du jour.

To quote Terry Pratchett, the gods gave us a sense of humour to compensate for giving us sex.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:07 AM on September 30, 2006 [3 favorites]

You shouldn't be thinking hands are cheating, you should be thinking hooray for helping hands.

Exactly. Using hands -- yours or hers -- is normal and often part of it. It's not cheating. Foreplay helps, maintaining a good sense of humor helps, being in a position that you're both comfortable in helps so you can avoid the "ow ow OW you're on my hair/arm/colostomy bag" buzzkill.
posted by jessamyn at 4:37 AM on September 30, 2006

From the woman's point of view, two things occur to me:

1) Lubrication, natural and assisted. It doesn't matter what you're inserting, if there isn't plenty of slipperiness, it's going to require a bit of a push the first time. (Hopefully after that point there's enough lubrication from inside the vagina that things go merrily along.) That's just the way we're built.
2) How turned on is the girl? You're not the only one who changes shape, you know. In an unaroused state, the vagina isn't that wide and isn't that long. When we get turned on, things get slippery, things get stretchy, and the cervix pulls back to make room for boys and other insertables. And this isn't necessarily an is-she-attracted-to-you question. You can be hot as all get out, but if you skimp on the foreplay, you're going to have some trouble.

And even then, a bit of hand-holding makes things nicer most of the time. There's lots of sensitive bits down there, don't go pushing so hard on random places if you can avoid it! And no matter what you have in your head about the "normal" way to do this, it makes sense for the girl to do this part or at least help with it, because you can't feel where is the right spot the way she can. (For girl-on-top, she gets to do that. It just works better.)

There's very little in the way of "the right way" to have sex. You are totally free to do what works for you. That's the right way.
posted by heatherann at 4:39 AM on September 30, 2006 [2 favorites]

I've experienced mainly the missionary position. It's easier if she holds her legs back. I used to do doggy-style with one partner although that could be pretty challenging. I doubt I would be capable of that position while wearing a condom (which my current partner insists on). No other position I have tried (for example lying sideways, or her on top) has worked satisfactorily with anyone.

Is there a physical problem you have that you have neglected to mention in your post (seriously overweight, etc)? Because I am just having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that the positions you mention are "challenging". They're all sort of the bread and butter of mainstream sex.

I concur with the above posts that foreplay and sufficient lubrication are key, and there is nothing wrong with using your hands to help out. I can't imagine where you'd get the idea that guiding yourself in (or having her do it) is "cheating".

Finally, if you've "experienced mainly the missionary position", may I humbly suggest expanding your pool of sexual partners. The greatest thing for your sexual confidence may be to find a nice girl who's also relatively inexperienced and is into experimenting. You'll both learn a lot, and all your future partners will be happier.
posted by modernnomad at 5:09 AM on September 30, 2006

If your primary worry isn't about lubrication but about the fact that you aren't coordinated enough to get inside her without using your hand for guidance, then don't worry. The vast majority of the time I've been having sex, a little guidance is required.

Have you tried having her on top? If she's like me she'll use her hands to get you inside of her (I always do!). And you might enjoy having the pressure taken off and just being able to sit back and relax while she does the work.
posted by christinetheslp at 5:13 AM on September 30, 2006

Let me add to the comments to nth the reassurance. As a woman who has been having sex for 15 years or so, I can tell you that there has been very few times that the guy's penis has just slid in all porn star/soap opera style. Lubrication, like most ppl have said, as well as the fact that sometimes those angles are tough to negotiate! I've been with my husband for 5 years now and 99% of the time we're using our hands. Thank goodness too - it can hurt with repeated blind stabby attempts.
posted by gaspode at 5:33 AM on September 30, 2006

1. I can't see anything wrong with asking for a little assistance. Sex ought to be, apart from anything else, a friendly act. And once it's in, ain't nobody gonna worry how it got there.

2. If you want to go in without her assistance, then ask her to lie on her back and raise/bend her legs up and back, so you can see everything. Then go in, maybe using your own hand for guidance.

3. I would bet your erection problems are psychological; happens to many men; these problems will disappear with a regular friendly partner.
posted by londongeezer at 6:08 AM on September 30, 2006

"I doubt I would be capable of that position while wearing a condom (which my current partner insists on)."

You should be insisting on them too. The Pill isn't 100% effective, and STD's happen to everyone.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:10 AM on September 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

missionary it is not in a position where I find it is easy to push it in myself, and my partner has to do it.
this is the only thing that sounds odd - this should be easy unless you have a disability /arthritis.
posted by uni verse at 8:22 AM on September 30, 2006

I've been having sex with the same woman for 12 years now, and probably 8 times out of 10 involve a little manual recalculation of the entry vectors, regardless of position. It's perfectly normal, and can add to the fun, if done properly.

The fact that your condom use limits what positions are possible suggests to me that there is a lubrication issue, as others have guessed, and the addition of some artificial wetness can also bring quite a bit to the table of even the most randy shaggers (with the caveat that you do have to be careful about it interacting with the latex, but most things marketed as "sex lube" should be fine on that front).

That said, if you are worrying about technique to the point of losing your erection, there IS some psychological issue. There is no more shame or humiliation in getting your headspace checked than there is in getting your meatspace checked, so you should consider that option seriously.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:38 AM on September 30, 2006

People are able to do it without hands? This is news to me.
posted by schroedinger at 9:00 AM on September 30, 2006 [2 favorites]

Astroglide! Until I was introduced to this miracle fluid, I didn't even know it was physically possible to have sex without a little frustrated pushing and poking at the beginning, and sometimes even a little discomfort until it was over. You can apply it to yourself or to her. It makes a HUGE difference.

Even with lubricant, hands are still needed to help guide things into alignment on a regular basis.

When you're still learning about sex, I think you really need to be having it at least once or twice a week with the same partner for a month or two (or three) before everything starts to make sense. It just takes practice.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:02 AM on September 30, 2006

People are able to do it without hands? This is news to me.

Actually, me too.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:02 AM on September 30, 2006

My wife ALWAYS guides me in. . .in the rare times with a woman that it has just slipped in, it's been a funny surprise.

You both need to work and getting her wetter than she needs to be, by lube, finger, mouth, whatever. . .the more aroused she is, the better it will be for both of you.

Trust me on this.
posted by Danf at 9:09 AM on September 30, 2006

speaking as a woman ('cause i am one), i often help guide with my hands. i kind of like doing it and feel like it's showing my partner how much i want him to be there. i like the active participant aspect of if rather than just waiting passively for the magic to happen.

yeah "repeated stabby attempts" are no good at all. in those cases, when the guy clearly wants to be all in charge and do things himself but isn't hitting the mark, i just want to grab him and remind him that i'm the one who knows where it goes.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:19 AM on September 30, 2006

No no no no no. Astroglide is the single worst lube out there, except possibly KY.

Trojan Like Silk is much better, or Wet Platinum if you're on a silicone kick.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:49 AM on September 30, 2006

some women are more than glad to help and this position does make it easier

When you find the woman out there that will do this without asking, and makes it a fun part of the whole plan, then that's the girl you marry.

Seriously -- a woman that's thinking far enough ahead to be concerned about how a mishap like this could potentially do harm to the relationship has a good head on her shoulders...and if she's got the right attitude about the "help", then you're in for many many years of compatibility.

Take it from experience.
posted by thanotopsis at 10:01 AM on September 30, 2006

There's no right and wrong way, just the way(s) that make you and your partner happy.

Amen.
posted by scody at 10:02 AM on September 30, 2006

Often there's plenty of natural lubrication right there in the vag - you just need to use a finger (or something) to spread it from the inside to the outside. That might help out.
posted by DenOfSizer at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2006

Depending on your point of view, this might seem cruel or odd or unnecessary, but I'm gonna suggest you get down there and look around. Take a good look around. It ain't just a hole waiting for you to fill.

When I was without experience and didn't know what I was doing, I was equally frustrated and found the "stabby stab" "technique" insufficient. After taking a few tours, things got a lot easier. And more interesting.

Though I've nothing against hands, you'll use 'em a lot less (to navigate) if you use your eyes (and tongue and fingers and lips and mouth and thumb and brain) a lot more. My third girlfriend used to say, "Intercourse is for cowards." It took her a while to convince me, but she did convince me. Yeah, it's fun, but it ain't the be-all, end-all. You'll have a much better go of things if you look at being good at intercourse as one trick in your bag instead of your whole magic show.
posted by dobbs at 12:00 PM on September 30, 2006

People are able to do it without hands? This is news to me.

I never need a hand/s, at least in missionary or squashing of the the deckchair. Perhaps it's the angle?

Correct angle + wetness=smooth sailing.
posted by exlotuseater at 2:18 PM on September 30, 2006

I asked the manfriend about this last night when we read the question. He said he really appreciated and totally enjoyed it when I reach down and guide him in. I didn't realize people didn't do this. It's always been par for the course when having sex.

Really, it's blind target practice if you think tab a is going into slot b at the first attempt. I don't think using my hands and guiding is some sort of admittance to incompetence on the man's part at all. It's perfectly normal. If a chick doesn't do this then
A. You can see exactly where you're going through all the lube
or
B. She watches a lot of tv and thinks your ween magically sends out sonar like bats to find the proper positioning of the orifice.
posted by pieoverdone at 2:26 PM on September 30, 2006

Practice. Don't over thinnk it.

If there's a candle's worth of light in the room, get her legs up and out of the way, and visual docking may work. If not, just somebody, please, put the thing in and get on with it. It doesn't matter who, it's still fine once we work it out. An experienced woman can manage this subtly, hands free, but this is obviously not an experienced woman, and that is not a bad thing. You can learn together.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 3:23 PM on September 30, 2006

Go to the counseling. The fact that you think its humilating is a real red flag. I have to say that it is a critically important thing and will change your life for the better.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:28 PM on September 30, 2006

...and probably 8 times out of 10 involve a little manual recalculation of the entry vectors...

That just made me spit beer all over the place.

I can say nothing except: yes, most couples have to use hands at the entry point. Yes, it can be fumbling and awkward when you don't have the experience. Yes, we've all been through it. Yes, it does pass.

Just have fun. Sex is not a scientific process! And engage more foreplay. Women evolved natural lubrication for a reason, and it takes a little time and lovin' to spin up the works.
posted by symphonik at 6:01 PM on September 30, 2006

Anonymous, I just thought of a question: do you have an issue with grabbing yourself in front of a woman? Even for the 2 or 3 seconds it takes to "insert Tab A into Slot B"? This may be the source of your hesitancy to do so.
posted by zardoz at 6:29 PM on September 30, 2006

Is your penis straight? No really, it's normal to have something of a bend or twist or whatever (not much, but some), the whole hanging to the side thing. And this will totally make a difference to how you have sex.

My boyfriend has both a curve to one side and a slight twist. Nothing pathalogical and totally doctor-confirmed healthy, but it means that it won't just slide in. Hand guidance is always necessary and even then some days I have to carefully not laugh when he's poking my thigh. We've been doing it a long time now and we both naturally lean certain ways during sex to increase the friction and it's all good, but things were occasionally awkward and amusing for the first few years and it has been known to pop out if I lie totally flat.

Men are all made differently (women too) and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you're physically set up in such a way that a handsfree entry is less likely to work or you need to lean to the side a little or whatever. There's nothing wrong with this, biology is always variable and interesting.

Ignore what you've been told is 'right' and 'normal' about sex and focus on what works for you. With some experimentation and an open mind you'll be able to work it out.
posted by shelleycat at 8:28 PM on September 30, 2006

All the advice here is right: relax, lube, using hands is normal, have fun and laugh through the awkward bits, don't expect that acrobatic positions will be easy or that anything you see in porn is real, don't focus on living up to an ideal but instead focus on your actual partner and whether you're both actually having a good time.

One thing to add: If you feel like your sex ed was inadequate, you might consider getting a book about it -- I don't have any specific recommendations; if you were a woman I'd recommend the new Our Bodies Ourselves (which probably couldn't do any harm to look at, too!).

But if you're embarrassed to get a book, one place to look is Toys in Babeland (NSFW text), a sex toy shop that has lots of clear advice on their website on a range of topics (choosing lube might be a relevant one for you).
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:21 PM on September 30, 2006

Though: If you check out that Toys in Babeland page, don't get hung up on all the complicated or kinky stuff and start feeling like you have to do performance art just to have sex! Take the info that's useful to you and leave the other stuff for later or never.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:32 PM on September 30, 2006

I have a book suggestion for you: The Guide to Getting it On. Great book.
posted by dobbs at 8:09 AM on October 1, 2006

Condoms seriously restrict accurate aim, because you are limited in what you can feel. Condom use = good thing, but it's a bit like wearing latex gloves and trying to do some delicate task without looking. Practice makes it better, but seriously, needing hands to get it in is no real issue.

Real world sex does not equal porn / movie sex.
posted by tomble at 8:32 AM on October 1, 2006

Errr.. When I said `real world sex does not equal...' I didn't mean it's not as good. Real world sex is unedited, can be funny, a bit embarrasing, awkward and really, really good.

Porn / movie sex is fun to watch, but it's not too similar to real world sex.
posted by tomble at 8:36 AM on October 1, 2006

Is it possible to do this without someone using their hand to insert?

Possible, sure, but it usually doesn't happen that way for me. There's a right angle and position for this if you want to do it, but that position is a pain in the ass for most other considerations like comfort, support, etc.

Because that's the only way I've ever managed it. And even then it frequently doesn't work.

It can take practice. Maybe you need her to do it. If you're really fumbling and there's a lot of vague shoving going on, then something is not right. Her level of lubrication. Your angle. Your positioning. Start talking about it and try to work together to improve things.

I just feel like I am positioning myself wrong or something. Before we can figure it out I will lose my erection.

Yep, that will eventually happen if you can't make a go of it. I find missionary the easiest position to achieve penetration from. But perhaps doggy would work better for you? It provides very good visual contact with what's going on, though not always the most comfortable angle for initial penetration.

If you're going soft within a few seconds, then you want to explore whether erectile dysfunction is the true problem. If you're going soft after 30-60 seconds of awkward fumbling and yelps of discomfort from her, then technique is the issue.
posted by scarabic at 9:24 PM on October 3, 2006