Hoo boy....
September 8, 2006 12:16 PM Subscribe
[EtiquetteFilter] My mother and stepfather divorced about 8 months ago. They had been together for 28 years. I have not heard from him since the split, and (due to the nature of the split) don't have that much interest in doing so. Now, his mother -- my former step-grandmother -- is dying.
First, a little background - some dirty laundry, if you will. Twelve years ago, my mother discovered that my stepfather had been cheating on her. A lot. For 15 years, in fact. With multiple people. At at least one point, he was carrying on 3 affairs at once.
Much of this was facilitated by his mother -- the step-grandmother in question. She acted as a clearing house for his affair-related mail, phone messages, and meetings...contending that such affairs were obviously the fault of my mother for not being a good enough wife. She acted in this capacity for all 15 of the years in question...outwardly being nice to my mother and myself, while privately helping her son destroy his marriage and our home life.
When all of this came out, there was quite the explosion. He begged, he pleaded, he sought forgiveness, and he and my mother went to counseling together and privately. Things actually worked out. After a couple of years, they seemed happier and tighter than they had ever been.
Fast forward to this past Christmas (Christmas day, in fact). After getting some bad gut-feelings, a mysterious venereal disease (he, a medical professional, suggested that she perhaps contracted it from a toilet seat), and discovering that significant amounts of money that should be in their bank account were not in said account (he had always handled the finances), she recruited my Google-fu.
We discovered that he had been funneling about $50,000.00 per year into a secret account. He had a secret mobile phone, two secret PO boxes, and a secret apartment. For at least the past year and a half, he had been seeing an area prostitute (escort) once a week. He had been writing fraudulent prescriptions for medication (opiates) to use himself. He had kept at least two longer-term affairs in the past 5 years. Though much of this was now taken care of without using his mother as a conduit, it has come out that she was pretty much in-the-know regarding most of it, save the prostitutes.
My mother was understandably devastated, and I was profoundly disappointed. When she confronted him about it, he denied it at first. When he finally admitted it, she filed for divorce immediately. He once again started the crying, pleading, begging for another chance and more counseling, proclaiming his love... She tossed him out. Good for her. She's a wonderful, kind, intelligent woman and she deserves much better. Since then, she's been healing, has picked her own healthcare career up where she left it (she works as director of admissions for a local facility that cares for the terminally ill), and has even attracted the attention of a few men.
Though my mother has made every effort to be her ex-husband's friend (which has been hard for her), and has had somewhat regular contact with him, I have not heard from him since the split. Until yesterday, that is. Apparently his mother is dying. Soon. And would I come to the hospital/funeral/etc. He said he's missed talking to me, but has been too ashamed to call.
His mother was always outwardly nice to me, generous at Christmas, all that. I never could quite shake the distinct feeling that I was her least favorite "grandchild" (qoutes because of the step-relationship), though, as she seemed to take no real interest in me on a personal level. And, of course, I then find out later about the whole facilitating-the-affairs-and-blaming-my-mother thing.
My question, then, is what my obligations to this woman and this family are? Maybe they don't mean me harm directly, but I certainly feel harmed by them. I do not doubt that my stepfather loved (and still loves) my mother - I really, really believe he did and does. I also believe he's in some dire fucking need of help, has some really unhealthy tendencies and addictions, and really don't think he has any place being married to my mother. More personally hurtful, for me, is the fact that he just disappeared from my life entirely without so much as a "goodbye," or "I'm sorry."
Do I have an obligation to these people? Should I go? Would it be utterly crass to just skip out on this?
First, a little background - some dirty laundry, if you will. Twelve years ago, my mother discovered that my stepfather had been cheating on her. A lot. For 15 years, in fact. With multiple people. At at least one point, he was carrying on 3 affairs at once.
Much of this was facilitated by his mother -- the step-grandmother in question. She acted as a clearing house for his affair-related mail, phone messages, and meetings...contending that such affairs were obviously the fault of my mother for not being a good enough wife. She acted in this capacity for all 15 of the years in question...outwardly being nice to my mother and myself, while privately helping her son destroy his marriage and our home life.
When all of this came out, there was quite the explosion. He begged, he pleaded, he sought forgiveness, and he and my mother went to counseling together and privately. Things actually worked out. After a couple of years, they seemed happier and tighter than they had ever been.
Fast forward to this past Christmas (Christmas day, in fact). After getting some bad gut-feelings, a mysterious venereal disease (he, a medical professional, suggested that she perhaps contracted it from a toilet seat), and discovering that significant amounts of money that should be in their bank account were not in said account (he had always handled the finances), she recruited my Google-fu.
We discovered that he had been funneling about $50,000.00 per year into a secret account. He had a secret mobile phone, two secret PO boxes, and a secret apartment. For at least the past year and a half, he had been seeing an area prostitute (escort) once a week. He had been writing fraudulent prescriptions for medication (opiates) to use himself. He had kept at least two longer-term affairs in the past 5 years. Though much of this was now taken care of without using his mother as a conduit, it has come out that she was pretty much in-the-know regarding most of it, save the prostitutes.
My mother was understandably devastated, and I was profoundly disappointed. When she confronted him about it, he denied it at first. When he finally admitted it, she filed for divorce immediately. He once again started the crying, pleading, begging for another chance and more counseling, proclaiming his love... She tossed him out. Good for her. She's a wonderful, kind, intelligent woman and she deserves much better. Since then, she's been healing, has picked her own healthcare career up where she left it (she works as director of admissions for a local facility that cares for the terminally ill), and has even attracted the attention of a few men.
Though my mother has made every effort to be her ex-husband's friend (which has been hard for her), and has had somewhat regular contact with him, I have not heard from him since the split. Until yesterday, that is. Apparently his mother is dying. Soon. And would I come to the hospital/funeral/etc. He said he's missed talking to me, but has been too ashamed to call.
His mother was always outwardly nice to me, generous at Christmas, all that. I never could quite shake the distinct feeling that I was her least favorite "grandchild" (qoutes because of the step-relationship), though, as she seemed to take no real interest in me on a personal level. And, of course, I then find out later about the whole facilitating-the-affairs-and-blaming-my-mother thing.
My question, then, is what my obligations to this woman and this family are? Maybe they don't mean me harm directly, but I certainly feel harmed by them. I do not doubt that my stepfather loved (and still loves) my mother - I really, really believe he did and does. I also believe he's in some dire fucking need of help, has some really unhealthy tendencies and addictions, and really don't think he has any place being married to my mother. More personally hurtful, for me, is the fact that he just disappeared from my life entirely without so much as a "goodbye," or "I'm sorry."
Do I have an obligation to these people? Should I go? Would it be utterly crass to just skip out on this?
You don't have an obligation to them, but considering the circumstances, I would look to your mom to decide your course. If she feels that she should go, then go with her (not *for* him.) If she's not going, I'd tell the guy to take a flying leap.
posted by headspace at 12:24 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by headspace at 12:24 PM on September 8, 2006
You have an obligation to yourself to think long and hard about whether in the future you might regret refusing to come. Your stepfather is clearly a fucked-up man. However, only you can be the judge of whether you can find it in your heart to love him and support him despite the egregiously horrible things he has done to your family. But don't make a decision based on etiquette, or some abstract notion of what you might "owe" him, or your also-an-asshole stepgrandmother. This isn't etiquette, it's emotion. You have a lot of anger, which makes sense. Just don't let your anger lead you.
posted by miss tea at 12:26 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by miss tea at 12:26 PM on September 8, 2006
You have no obligation to them whatsoever. Both of these people conspired to destroy you mother's life. Fuck 'em.
posted by dead_ at 12:27 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by dead_ at 12:27 PM on September 8, 2006
I would not go and hope it sends a message to the whole family of your former stepfather. I would write a note to your stepfather saying that you are sorry for his loss, but not saying anything good about the woman.
"Too ashamed" to call. C'mon. This is an adult who wasn't too ashamed to carry on continuous numerous affairs including with professionals. "too ashamed" is a crock of shit. He is a callous cold person who used your mom and now wants to use you for support because none of his whores are there for him.
Btw, I would turn him into the State Medical Board for writing false perscriptions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:27 PM on September 8, 2006
"Too ashamed" to call. C'mon. This is an adult who wasn't too ashamed to carry on continuous numerous affairs including with professionals. "too ashamed" is a crock of shit. He is a callous cold person who used your mom and now wants to use you for support because none of his whores are there for him.
Btw, I would turn him into the State Medical Board for writing false perscriptions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:27 PM on September 8, 2006
I don't think it would be utterly crass (and I usually advise people not to pull back from relatives/friends dealing with death).
He screwed up, she screwed up. If you're not ready/willing to forgive, I don't think you need to do so right now simply because she's sick. It might be slighly different if your step-father had apologized and tried to make amends, and you wanted to do this as a show of support for that effort, but it sounds a bit right now as if he's asking you to make the first step at reconciliation.
A card or flowers to him would be a nice compromise, if you wanted to do that. But I don't know that you owe him or her anything right now.
posted by occhiblu at 12:28 PM on September 8, 2006
He screwed up, she screwed up. If you're not ready/willing to forgive, I don't think you need to do so right now simply because she's sick. It might be slighly different if your step-father had apologized and tried to make amends, and you wanted to do this as a show of support for that effort, but it sounds a bit right now as if he's asking you to make the first step at reconciliation.
A card or flowers to him would be a nice compromise, if you wanted to do that. But I don't know that you owe him or her anything right now.
posted by occhiblu at 12:28 PM on September 8, 2006
Jesus. Stay away from those people. they've done enough to harm your family. You have absolutely no obligation to them whatsoever.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 12:32 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by otherwordlyglow at 12:32 PM on September 8, 2006
hmm, let me think about it for a minute ... no. send a card.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 12:32 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by lester's sock puppet at 12:32 PM on September 8, 2006
Only send a card if you are going to put a mirror in it and a small message reading, "Take a good long look at yourselves." Ugh. Reading your post again has made me sick.
posted by dead_ at 12:34 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by dead_ at 12:34 PM on September 8, 2006
What kind of note would be written by someone who's supremely compassionate and forgiving, but who still wants nothing to do with the stepfather? That's the note you should write, if you decide to respond at all. "It must be very difficult for you... I know you and your mother are very close...." etc. But not a lot of etc., because you don't have to write more than couple of sentences.
But I don't think that even this guy would blame you if he never heard from you again.
posted by wryly at 12:35 PM on September 8, 2006
But I don't think that even this guy would blame you if he never heard from you again.
posted by wryly at 12:35 PM on September 8, 2006
Wow.
Thank you for sharing so much with us. I'm full of sympathy for all of you. Good luck to you.
You don't have any obligations to anyone, at the heart of it. You wrote about your mother with empathy and understanding, and I think that the most honourable approach would be to support her. If she is maintaining a friendship with her ex-husband, it's likely she will want to participate in some way.
Your mother sounds like a resourceful woman who is capable of deciding the family's response to your former step-grandmother's dying, and taking the lead in that response.
It seems that she wants to maintain friendship with her ex-husband. This may or may not be what you wish for her, but it's likely that this friendship will mean some involvement with this dying and death, including hospital visits and participation in funeral arrangements. Being there as much as your mother would like you to be shouldn't be extremely involved, and just being there is useful at the end.
If your mother decides to participate, your support and presence will be helpful to her. You might merely have to attend the funeral and wake. At the very most, in the last day or so before she dies, you might be asked to stand by quietly and do some of the small things, like food and rides to the hospital, that are often so helpful to a family in an emergency. People at one remove from the bereaved are essential for these things because they aren't overwhelmed by emotion.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:36 PM on September 8, 2006 [1 favorite]
Thank you for sharing so much with us. I'm full of sympathy for all of you. Good luck to you.
You don't have any obligations to anyone, at the heart of it. You wrote about your mother with empathy and understanding, and I think that the most honourable approach would be to support her. If she is maintaining a friendship with her ex-husband, it's likely she will want to participate in some way.
Your mother sounds like a resourceful woman who is capable of deciding the family's response to your former step-grandmother's dying, and taking the lead in that response.
It seems that she wants to maintain friendship with her ex-husband. This may or may not be what you wish for her, but it's likely that this friendship will mean some involvement with this dying and death, including hospital visits and participation in funeral arrangements. Being there as much as your mother would like you to be shouldn't be extremely involved, and just being there is useful at the end.
If your mother decides to participate, your support and presence will be helpful to her. You might merely have to attend the funeral and wake. At the very most, in the last day or so before she dies, you might be asked to stand by quietly and do some of the small things, like food and rides to the hospital, that are often so helpful to a family in an emergency. People at one remove from the bereaved are essential for these things because they aren't overwhelmed by emotion.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:36 PM on September 8, 2006 [1 favorite]
I think a general "I'm sorry for your loss" pretty much covers it. As much as he may have fucked up the poster's family, it doesn't sound like he wants him dead or hurt. You can be compassionate without being appeasing.
posted by occhiblu at 12:37 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by occhiblu at 12:37 PM on September 8, 2006
(Sorry, that was in response to the "what kind of note?" question, not meant as a disagreement with BTGOG.)
posted by occhiblu at 12:38 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by occhiblu at 12:38 PM on September 8, 2006
Death of a loved one (especially a parent) tends to be a catalyst for family members to take stock of their own relationships. Chances are, he's feeling really badly about the way things went down, and he probably misses you.
It's easy for me to say, but you can't always assume that no one ever changes -- if you do that, you will never see the ways in which they *do* change.
What does this mean for you? Your backstory illustrates your anger and hurt over how he treated your mom and the fact that his mother was complicit in that. So, are you obligated to visit with the dying grandmother? Only if you have a relationship with her and want to honor that. Are you obligated to visit with your ex-stepfather? Only if you want to have a relationship with him.
If you want to abide by proper etiquette, send him condolences (a card, flowers, etc.). If you want to explore the possibility of saving a relationship with your stepdad, then go. It's possible that an inventory of his qualities will lead you to believe that there's nothing worth saving. It's also possible that it is -- only you know for sure.
posted by parilous at 12:43 PM on September 8, 2006
It's easy for me to say, but you can't always assume that no one ever changes -- if you do that, you will never see the ways in which they *do* change.
What does this mean for you? Your backstory illustrates your anger and hurt over how he treated your mom and the fact that his mother was complicit in that. So, are you obligated to visit with the dying grandmother? Only if you have a relationship with her and want to honor that. Are you obligated to visit with your ex-stepfather? Only if you want to have a relationship with him.
If you want to abide by proper etiquette, send him condolences (a card, flowers, etc.). If you want to explore the possibility of saving a relationship with your stepdad, then go. It's possible that an inventory of his qualities will lead you to believe that there's nothing worth saving. It's also possible that it is -- only you know for sure.
posted by parilous at 12:43 PM on September 8, 2006
Death of a loved one (especially a parent) tends to be a catalyst for family members to take stock of their own relationships. Chances are, he's feeling really badly about the way things went down, and he probably misses you.
I think that's totally true, but I also think it's unfair to think, "My mother's dying, therefore everyone else needs to overcome the emotional barriers and hurts that I caused." It's not a Get Out of Jail Free card; if he's taking stock of his actions, then he also needs to take the responsibility for making amends where necessary. Otherwise he's just indulging in the same "My needs are more important than anyone else's" pattern that caused the original mess.
That said, I do agree with those who say it's best to talk to your mom and see whether she needs support right now. I hadn't thought of that when I posted my first comment.
posted by occhiblu at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2006
I think that's totally true, but I also think it's unfair to think, "My mother's dying, therefore everyone else needs to overcome the emotional barriers and hurts that I caused." It's not a Get Out of Jail Free card; if he's taking stock of his actions, then he also needs to take the responsibility for making amends where necessary. Otherwise he's just indulging in the same "My needs are more important than anyone else's" pattern that caused the original mess.
That said, I do agree with those who say it's best to talk to your mom and see whether she needs support right now. I hadn't thought of that when I posted my first comment.
posted by occhiblu at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2006
Look at it this way: try to imagine yourself ten years from now, looking back on these events. If you don't go, do you think will you eventually regret it?
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 1:20 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 1:20 PM on September 8, 2006
I would say you have no obligation to go at all, but if you're really torn, it would be wise to follow suit with your mother. If you're not going, a card will do; but if I were in your shoes, I'd want nothing to do with this person who hurt my mother, to the point of not even sending a card. It really depends on what YOU want, I wouldn't worry too much about etiquette as it was obviously thrown out the window by the stepfather a long time ago.
posted by Meagan at 1:25 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by Meagan at 1:25 PM on September 8, 2006
You ask if you have an obligation. No. It would be a kindness to visit, but you are not obliged or required to provide such kindness to those who did you and your mother wrong. Under the rubric of etiquette -- your first word -- your obligation, if any, is a note or a card, and flowers at the fuineral.
posted by Robert Angelo at 1:55 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by Robert Angelo at 1:55 PM on September 8, 2006
Think of your obligations to your mother and to yourself, you don't owe this person or his mother anything.
For yourself, if you can, think about how you'll feel about going or not going in five or ten years when the immediacy of his behavior and your hurt has faded. Not to say you'll have forgiven him or think any better of his behavior, but it'll be long past.
What I find is that the only person's misdeeds that don't much fade with time are my own. Shitty things I did a decade ago can still make me feel bad. Shitty things people did to me a decade ago I often don't even remember. So when you're no longer hot over this, will you think you should have gone?
posted by phearlez at 2:01 PM on September 8, 2006
For yourself, if you can, think about how you'll feel about going or not going in five or ten years when the immediacy of his behavior and your hurt has faded. Not to say you'll have forgiven him or think any better of his behavior, but it'll be long past.
What I find is that the only person's misdeeds that don't much fade with time are my own. Shitty things I did a decade ago can still make me feel bad. Shitty things people did to me a decade ago I often don't even remember. So when you're no longer hot over this, will you think you should have gone?
posted by phearlez at 2:01 PM on September 8, 2006
I wouldn't go.
Why are you even considering it? What does someone have to do to you? What if this woman held you down and cut off your arm, would you still be considering it?
If she were an innocent bystander, it might be inappropriate to tar her with her son's/your stepfather's deeds. But she was an active, willing participant. If you feel the things she did were reprehensible - and it appears that you do - why would you even consider visiting her?
posted by jellicle at 2:46 PM on September 8, 2006
Why are you even considering it? What does someone have to do to you? What if this woman held you down and cut off your arm, would you still be considering it?
If she were an innocent bystander, it might be inappropriate to tar her with her son's/your stepfather's deeds. But she was an active, willing participant. If you feel the things she did were reprehensible - and it appears that you do - why would you even consider visiting her?
posted by jellicle at 2:46 PM on September 8, 2006
Do I have an obligation to these people?
No. "Fuck 'em" might sound harsh and impolite — but given the circumstances you've described, I think it's fair. No, you shouldn't wish him ill will or slash his tires; but there's absolutely nothing wrong with concluding that your time in life with this man, and your obligations to him, are gone. Granted, it would be Christian of you to lend him the help he's asked despite your shared past — but just because doing X would make you nice doesn't mean that not doing X makes you cruel. You have more than ample justification; and I think in your shoes, I'd be glad he was gone from my life and try to keep it that way.
posted by cribcage at 2:50 PM on September 8, 2006
No. "Fuck 'em" might sound harsh and impolite — but given the circumstances you've described, I think it's fair. No, you shouldn't wish him ill will or slash his tires; but there's absolutely nothing wrong with concluding that your time in life with this man, and your obligations to him, are gone. Granted, it would be Christian of you to lend him the help he's asked despite your shared past — but just because doing X would make you nice doesn't mean that not doing X makes you cruel. You have more than ample justification; and I think in your shoes, I'd be glad he was gone from my life and try to keep it that way.
posted by cribcage at 2:50 PM on September 8, 2006
If your mother is going, and she may, go with her...to support her. Be civil to your former stepfather. Afterwards, tell your mom you love her and buy her a stiff drink.
posted by desuetude at 3:14 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by desuetude at 3:14 PM on September 8, 2006
Fuck 'em.
Part of being an asshole is not having people show up when you and yours are dying.
I mean, wow. A toilet seat? $50k/yr?
posted by Coda at 3:41 PM on September 8, 2006
Part of being an asshole is not having people show up when you and yours are dying.
I mean, wow. A toilet seat? $50k/yr?
posted by Coda at 3:41 PM on September 8, 2006
He sounds pathologically something (Is he a narcissist? not that it matters. whatever he is, sucks).
It sounds like you want to completely avoid him, but might have to interact with him occasionally due to things beyond your control. In that case, I'd go with civil aloofness. Do the minimal amount reasonable to avoid his drama but also make sure you don't get into some cycle where he's controlling you by his reactions.
If you ever have cause to think he's changed (and why should you, you shouldn't be spending enough time with him to have cause), slap yourself silly. Maintain an agnostic stance on the question of his humanity. You are B F Skinner, he is a pigeon. Does he think? You don't know. All you see is pigeon shit. Keep this in mind in order to protect yourself from getting stuck in any tar-baby mess.
on preview, yeah if your mom goes to the funeral, I think you should consider going with her to provide support.
posted by bleary at 4:15 PM on September 8, 2006
It sounds like you want to completely avoid him, but might have to interact with him occasionally due to things beyond your control. In that case, I'd go with civil aloofness. Do the minimal amount reasonable to avoid his drama but also make sure you don't get into some cycle where he's controlling you by his reactions.
If you ever have cause to think he's changed (and why should you, you shouldn't be spending enough time with him to have cause), slap yourself silly. Maintain an agnostic stance on the question of his humanity. You are B F Skinner, he is a pigeon. Does he think? You don't know. All you see is pigeon shit. Keep this in mind in order to protect yourself from getting stuck in any tar-baby mess.
on preview, yeah if your mom goes to the funeral, I think you should consider going with her to provide support.
posted by bleary at 4:15 PM on September 8, 2006
You have no obligations to either of them.
His mother was always outwardly nice to me, generous at Christmas, all that. I never could quite shake the distinct feeling that I was her least favorite "grandchild" (qoutes because of the step-relationship), though, as she seemed to take no real interest in me on a personal level.
Then there is no reason to feel obliged to take an interest in her, on a personal level. Send a simple, impersonal get well soon card while she is ill. Send him a Sympathies card if/when she passes on.
He said he's missed talking to me, but has been too ashamed to call.
Has he ever apologised to you? Perhaps I'm harsh but I think you and your mother have been more than accomodating to this man and his appalling behaviour. No need to be rude, but no need to get sucked back into his life either. From your description of his past behaviour, I wouldn't be surprised if he is trying to milk this situation as an opportunity to get back into your mother's life. Beware.
posted by Joh at 5:22 PM on September 8, 2006
His mother was always outwardly nice to me, generous at Christmas, all that. I never could quite shake the distinct feeling that I was her least favorite "grandchild" (qoutes because of the step-relationship), though, as she seemed to take no real interest in me on a personal level.
Then there is no reason to feel obliged to take an interest in her, on a personal level. Send a simple, impersonal get well soon card while she is ill. Send him a Sympathies card if/when she passes on.
He said he's missed talking to me, but has been too ashamed to call.
Has he ever apologised to you? Perhaps I'm harsh but I think you and your mother have been more than accomodating to this man and his appalling behaviour. No need to be rude, but no need to get sucked back into his life either. From your description of his past behaviour, I wouldn't be surprised if he is trying to milk this situation as an opportunity to get back into your mother's life. Beware.
posted by Joh at 5:22 PM on September 8, 2006
Kaseijin,
I commend you for sharing this part of your life with us.
My mouth hung agape as I read it in its entirety. Unbelievable.
Question posed:
Do I have an obligation to these people? Should I go? Would it be utterly crass to just skip out on this?
S.S's point of view:
I do not believe you have any obligation at all to either person. You never felt particularly close to this woman who turned out to be quite busy in her role behind the scene. Your instincts never fail to do the job. What do you wish to do instinctively in this scenario?
Your mother is a beautiful, compassionate individual. She has gone through this TWICE yet manages to maintain a friendship with the man that destroyed something that had been 28 years in the making. That says quite a bit about her character. She may need the strength to actually be in his presence. Not only that but being in the presence of the woman who encouraged her son to break up a long-standing marriage. The amount of tension which will be in the room (though knocking at death's door) may prove to be overwhelmingly unbearable.
Seek the guidance of your mother. Does she want you to be by her side? If yes, you may find that that overrides all things.
Best of luck to you. If you need an ear, I'm always here.
posted by seeminglyshy at 5:34 PM on September 8, 2006
I commend you for sharing this part of your life with us.
My mouth hung agape as I read it in its entirety. Unbelievable.
Question posed:
Do I have an obligation to these people? Should I go? Would it be utterly crass to just skip out on this?
S.S's point of view:
I do not believe you have any obligation at all to either person. You never felt particularly close to this woman who turned out to be quite busy in her role behind the scene. Your instincts never fail to do the job. What do you wish to do instinctively in this scenario?
Your mother is a beautiful, compassionate individual. She has gone through this TWICE yet manages to maintain a friendship with the man that destroyed something that had been 28 years in the making. That says quite a bit about her character. She may need the strength to actually be in his presence. Not only that but being in the presence of the woman who encouraged her son to break up a long-standing marriage. The amount of tension which will be in the room (though knocking at death's door) may prove to be overwhelmingly unbearable.
Seek the guidance of your mother. Does she want you to be by her side? If yes, you may find that that overrides all things.
Best of luck to you. If you need an ear, I'm always here.
posted by seeminglyshy at 5:34 PM on September 8, 2006
Do I have an obligation to these people? Should I go? Would it be utterly crass to just skip out on this?
No. Only if you want to. No.
posted by redheadeb at 6:21 PM on September 8, 2006
No. Only if you want to. No.
posted by redheadeb at 6:21 PM on September 8, 2006
Don't go. Send a hooker. And then send step-dad the bill.
posted by Wet Spot at 7:25 PM on September 8, 2006
posted by Wet Spot at 7:25 PM on September 8, 2006
You and your mom should both just let this loser go.
IMHO, he's just using you to try to hang on to some kind of relationship with your mother, IMHO.
I don't understand why she feels compelled to be this dude's friend. He has screwed her over twice and will do it again if given the chance.
Cut him loose. Cut his family loose too. This is all about him (what a surprise) and not you or your mother or even his dying mother who I am willing to bet has no interest in seeing you (no offense intended, kaseijin).
posted by bim at 7:41 PM on September 8, 2006
IMHO, he's just using you to try to hang on to some kind of relationship with your mother, IMHO.
I don't understand why she feels compelled to be this dude's friend. He has screwed her over twice and will do it again if given the chance.
Cut him loose. Cut his family loose too. This is all about him (what a surprise) and not you or your mother or even his dying mother who I am willing to bet has no interest in seeing you (no offense intended, kaseijin).
posted by bim at 7:41 PM on September 8, 2006
Put me down in the "why even consider it?" column.
The guy's an enormous manipulator: he lies, cheats and breaks the law in order to get what he wants, he cries like a baby when he gets caught out, and now he's doing it again. His mother is his co-conspirator, and probably the person who taught him to treat people that way.
The very fact that you're even considering it (and that you believe she's dying) proves how good he is. Snap out of it. Whatever he wants from you, don't give it to him. Be one of the few people he ever met that he couldn't scam.
I'll edit your original post down a little bit for you:
"There are two people I know who have conspired to fuck up my mother's life. One of them is dying. Should I go to the funeral?"
It's a pretty easy "hell no", isn't it?
[If she actually dies, give a few bucks to a charity for the disease or condition she died from. That way you've expressed natural human sorrow at a death in a positive way, without being manipulated.]
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:16 PM on September 8, 2006
The guy's an enormous manipulator: he lies, cheats and breaks the law in order to get what he wants, he cries like a baby when he gets caught out, and now he's doing it again. His mother is his co-conspirator, and probably the person who taught him to treat people that way.
The very fact that you're even considering it (and that you believe she's dying) proves how good he is. Snap out of it. Whatever he wants from you, don't give it to him. Be one of the few people he ever met that he couldn't scam.
I'll edit your original post down a little bit for you:
"There are two people I know who have conspired to fuck up my mother's life. One of them is dying. Should I go to the funeral?"
It's a pretty easy "hell no", isn't it?
[If she actually dies, give a few bucks to a charity for the disease or condition she died from. That way you've expressed natural human sorrow at a death in a positive way, without being manipulated.]
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:16 PM on September 8, 2006
Gee, I'd be tempted to send a card wishing her a long, slow, painful death, and him a long, slow, painful rest of his miserable life.
I don't think you owe either of these people anything. Your love and support should go wholly to your mother, who sounds like a worthy person.
posted by Savannah at 9:18 AM on September 9, 2006
I don't think you owe either of these people anything. Your love and support should go wholly to your mother, who sounds like a worthy person.
posted by Savannah at 9:18 AM on September 9, 2006
I have occasionally gone to funerals where I didn't much care about the dead person, but cared a great deal about the mourners. If your mom goes, be at her side and help make the event less traumatic for her. You can make it clear (by being scathingly polite) that you have no interest in continuing a relationship with your former stepfather.
But I think the very best thing would be to convince your mother not to go either. There's no reason to think she won't be emotionally tortured again. What horrible people.
posted by smoakes at 10:24 AM on September 9, 2006
But I think the very best thing would be to convince your mother not to go either. There's no reason to think she won't be emotionally tortured again. What horrible people.
posted by smoakes at 10:24 AM on September 9, 2006
Only go if it would be healing for YOU. Do not go as a favor to him. He is a snake and no matter how much he's taking stock of things, he is a snake. Only go for YOU. Otherwise, do some kind of ritual involving burning things maybe to rid him from your life forever, symbolically.
posted by orangemiles at 11:08 AM on September 12, 2006
posted by orangemiles at 11:08 AM on September 12, 2006
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posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:20 PM on September 8, 2006