What to do - Card and Flowers for a dying friend?

April 3, 2015 9:33 AM

A friend of the family is dying, and soon. She was diagnosed recently with cancer and given days to live. She is in her home and aware, but under hospice care. Rather than send flowers when she's dead I thought I should send them now while she is alive to know we are thinking of her. What should I put in the card? I'm leaning towards just "Thinking of you" and our names. Any better suggestions for the card?
posted by arniec to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Best answer: "Thinking of you," is nice, but what might be nicer is if you write something specific about ways in which your relationship was meaningful to you. Like, the time you missed your bus and she gave you a ride to the airport, or brought you over to play with her dog's puppies when you were sad, or when your families all went to the beach together.

Anything that recognizes her life has value to you in a specific way, and that brings up good memories. I think that, inasmuch as she's able to perceive it, that would be nice for her--and nice for her family, later.

And a nice tribute to her, that you spend time thinking about her that way.
posted by suelac at 9:40 AM on April 3, 2015 [20 favorites]

Best answer: If something appropriate comes to mind, it can be nice to write "I have such great memories of the afternoon we spent doing (blank)." Especially if you can give enough information to summon up a happy memory to mind for the person with the terminal diagnosis. If this person is more friends with one of your relatives than with you, you could try "(Relative) often mentions how much she appreciated/enjoyed (something about you)." Because I doesn't think a dying person wants your sorrow, but they might want to know that you appreciated them and will remember them. (Without maybe using the word "remember" explicitly.)
posted by puddledork at 9:41 AM on April 3, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: When I wrote to a dying friend I did exactly what's suggested above: recall a specific good shared memory. And then I told him 'You're a great friend and I'm lucky to know you'.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:44 AM on April 3, 2015 [9 favorites]

Thinking of you is totally fine, but if you are looking for alternatives you could go with "Janice, you are in our hearts and thoughts today".
posted by cecic at 10:22 AM on April 3, 2015

Dear friend,

I love you.

arniec
posted by Melismata at 10:45 AM on April 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

Agreed on the shared memories. And maybe--only you know your relationship and whether this would be appropriate--"We know how much you like dogs, remember that afternoon when Rover ate Jessica's birthday cake? We've made a donation to the humane society in your name."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:47 AM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

Nthing above sharing personal memories and the positive impact s/he had.

Also perhaps planting a tree or flower in their honor. "Whenever I'll see that tree, I'll think of you with a smile and say hello."
posted by HeyAllie at 11:25 AM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think sending flowers now with a more personal message is a great idea, but you might want to keep the message content fairly light. My mother's dying weeks were an incredibly sad and fearful time for her, and letters with a very intimate or grieving tone only made her feel worse. Her favorite nephew wrote her a beautiful long letter about everything that she'd meant to him, but she broke down in tears in the first paragraph and never finished it. It was such a relief when people sent light and loving messages that didn't demand a big emotional response from her.
posted by timeo danaos at 8:25 AM on April 4, 2015 [3 favorites]