Did I make a mistake?
October 19, 2024 5:27 PM
I ended things with someone I really liked and I've been doubting myself ever since.
I dated this guy for just a couple months and I really liked him. He was attractive, kind, we had a lot in common, similar value systems... he really seemed like the whole package in a way? Except he was recently divorced and told me he wanted to take it slow. Fine. I knew it was a risk dating someone fresh off a divorce but with how awful online dating is why not give it a shot. It was honestly super refreshing dating someone that I actually had real feelings for because it's super rare for me to connect with people I met online.
Except he was flaky, and kind of distant. He seemed quick to cancel the whole time but I finally actually ended it when I didn't see him for three weeks. First he cancelled because his dog was a little under the weather (emphasis on a little). Then he went out of town for a week, which he does with some regularity because he works from home and loves to travel. Then when I was finally supposed to see him again he cancelled at the last minute after confirming our date because I had a lingering cough from when I had a cold two weeks earlier. I told him I was hardly sick but he still cancelled.
So... I ended it. We had already talked once because I got annoyed at him for cancelling and I said that it's super important to me that we see each other regularly, which he seemed to agree with only to cancel at the last second again. When we chatted about ending it he basically said that he genuinely does like me a lot and rattled off a list of things he likes about me, but he's been questioning if he's ready and he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said that he's really liked our slower pace but everything I want is valid and it's not fair to me to do this if he can't give me what I want. We agreed to table it and potentially revisit things in the future, if the time is more right. He said he'd text me occasionally but I haven't heard from him yet (it's been a little over three weeks).
But....I've been questioning it. I despise being on the apps. I thought he handled that conversation really well; he was empathetic and didn't get defensive. I think he just needed to move at a snail's pace. Maybe I needed to be more patient? Part of me thinks that a lot of the issue was circumstantial and we would have found a rhythm eventually. But the other part is like no, I stated my needs and put my foot down and walked away when he couldn't meet what I think were very fair expectations for two months of dating (I asked to see each other 1-2 times a week minimum). I struggle to assert my needs and I did the right thing here.
But.... I don't know. I'm bummed because it's so rare for me to actually click with someone and part of me hates that I just threw it away like that. I know he said he wants to not "close the door on this completely", but I still feel super skeptical that he'll ever come back around. I keep wanting to text him to say hi and just see what happens. But I don't want to get hurt chasing someone who's emotionally unavailable, either.
What do you think?
I dated this guy for just a couple months and I really liked him. He was attractive, kind, we had a lot in common, similar value systems... he really seemed like the whole package in a way? Except he was recently divorced and told me he wanted to take it slow. Fine. I knew it was a risk dating someone fresh off a divorce but with how awful online dating is why not give it a shot. It was honestly super refreshing dating someone that I actually had real feelings for because it's super rare for me to connect with people I met online.
Except he was flaky, and kind of distant. He seemed quick to cancel the whole time but I finally actually ended it when I didn't see him for three weeks. First he cancelled because his dog was a little under the weather (emphasis on a little). Then he went out of town for a week, which he does with some regularity because he works from home and loves to travel. Then when I was finally supposed to see him again he cancelled at the last minute after confirming our date because I had a lingering cough from when I had a cold two weeks earlier. I told him I was hardly sick but he still cancelled.
So... I ended it. We had already talked once because I got annoyed at him for cancelling and I said that it's super important to me that we see each other regularly, which he seemed to agree with only to cancel at the last second again. When we chatted about ending it he basically said that he genuinely does like me a lot and rattled off a list of things he likes about me, but he's been questioning if he's ready and he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said that he's really liked our slower pace but everything I want is valid and it's not fair to me to do this if he can't give me what I want. We agreed to table it and potentially revisit things in the future, if the time is more right. He said he'd text me occasionally but I haven't heard from him yet (it's been a little over three weeks).
But....I've been questioning it. I despise being on the apps. I thought he handled that conversation really well; he was empathetic and didn't get defensive. I think he just needed to move at a snail's pace. Maybe I needed to be more patient? Part of me thinks that a lot of the issue was circumstantial and we would have found a rhythm eventually. But the other part is like no, I stated my needs and put my foot down and walked away when he couldn't meet what I think were very fair expectations for two months of dating (I asked to see each other 1-2 times a week minimum). I struggle to assert my needs and I did the right thing here.
But.... I don't know. I'm bummed because it's so rare for me to actually click with someone and part of me hates that I just threw it away like that. I know he said he wants to not "close the door on this completely", but I still feel super skeptical that he'll ever come back around. I keep wanting to text him to say hi and just see what happens. But I don't want to get hurt chasing someone who's emotionally unavailable, either.
What do you think?
You were right to break things off. You wanted entirely different things. He wanted to maybe go on a few dates a month, and you wanted a serious relationship. It's fair to want what you want, and, you should listen when he tells you he won't be able to do it.
posted by hovey at 5:41 PM on October 19
posted by hovey at 5:41 PM on October 19
You did the right thing.
It sounds like he was finding excuses to cancel because he wasn't ready to date, or maybe he wasn't that into you.
I think it's normal for you to be questioning your decision because you did like him and nothing was obviously wrong. But you deserve to date someone who isn't finding excuses to cancel on you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:50 PM on October 19
It sounds like he was finding excuses to cancel because he wasn't ready to date, or maybe he wasn't that into you.
I think it's normal for you to be questioning your decision because you did like him and nothing was obviously wrong. But you deserve to date someone who isn't finding excuses to cancel on you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:50 PM on October 19
The thing with boundaries is that they don't magically make the other person different; they just help you define what you are willing to deal with in a relationship. You have needs, which are valid, to have a consistent serious dependable relationship. He has needs, which are valid, to keep things extremely light and flexible and not serious.
Neither of you is wrong, but it makes you incompatible.
posted by lapis at 5:51 PM on October 19
Neither of you is wrong, but it makes you incompatible.
posted by lapis at 5:51 PM on October 19
Except he was flaky, and kind of distant. He seemed quick to cancel the whole time but I finally actually ended it when I didn't see him for three weeks.
You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you as much as you cherish them.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:58 PM on October 19
You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you as much as you cherish them.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:58 PM on October 19
Twice weekly dates only two months in would be a lot for me, and it was a lot for this guy, but it will not be a lot for the right partner for you. What you want is very reasonable, and the right person for you will want that too and be capable of giving it to you.
(That said, even the right person for you might be cautious about illness especially as we head into the cooler months when covid and flu peak, and not be up for hanging out with you when you are symptomatic even if you're sure you're no longer contagious. If you find someone with whom things otherwise click better, you might try to give a little more grace around that specifically.)
posted by Stacey at 6:03 PM on October 19
(That said, even the right person for you might be cautious about illness especially as we head into the cooler months when covid and flu peak, and not be up for hanging out with you when you are symptomatic even if you're sure you're no longer contagious. If you find someone with whom things otherwise click better, you might try to give a little more grace around that specifically.)
posted by Stacey at 6:03 PM on October 19
He's an avoidant. Don't even bother trying with one of those. Every time you start to get a bit close, he wants "space."
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:09 PM on October 19
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:09 PM on October 19
I don't really agree with everyone, because I think these things could, actually, all be circumstantial. You haven't been dating very long at all, and he made it clear he wants to take it slow. But even without both of those things, I can tell you that I would stay home with my dog if I didn't think he was acting like himself. Even if the change was only "a little", because dogs can't tell us the problem, and a small thing can turn into a big thing unexpectedly. He's had a relationship with the dog, I'm guessing, a lot longer than he's known you.
Then he went out of town for a week. He didn't cancel, he just went out of town like he usually does, so you can't really count that one? I know it's disappointing, but did you expect him to stop going out of town?
Finally, you say you are never sick and yet you still have a cough which may or may not be something like Covid, and who knows what his relationship might be with that very scary virus (maybe he knows people who died or are suffering from long covid. Maybe he had a bad case himself). I'm just saying - it's unfortunate but sometimes a whole bunch of bad things happen in a row, and it isn't anyone's fault.
As you've probably found, it's hard to find someone with qualities you want and it sounds like this one has a lot of the qualities. Nobody is perfect, compromise is always required. I don't see flakiness from what you've written here.
Maybe now that you're finally stating your needs, you've taken it a little too far instead of maybe allowing the flexibility you also need for stuff that comes up and is important to the other person, even if it's not important to you. But that is just a guess. I'm not saying you were wrong, you get to choose what you think is right. I'm just giving another perspective on what you wrote.
posted by Glinn at 6:58 PM on October 19
Then he went out of town for a week. He didn't cancel, he just went out of town like he usually does, so you can't really count that one? I know it's disappointing, but did you expect him to stop going out of town?
Finally, you say you are never sick and yet you still have a cough which may or may not be something like Covid, and who knows what his relationship might be with that very scary virus (maybe he knows people who died or are suffering from long covid. Maybe he had a bad case himself). I'm just saying - it's unfortunate but sometimes a whole bunch of bad things happen in a row, and it isn't anyone's fault.
As you've probably found, it's hard to find someone with qualities you want and it sounds like this one has a lot of the qualities. Nobody is perfect, compromise is always required. I don't see flakiness from what you've written here.
Maybe now that you're finally stating your needs, you've taken it a little too far instead of maybe allowing the flexibility you also need for stuff that comes up and is important to the other person, even if it's not important to you. But that is just a guess. I'm not saying you were wrong, you get to choose what you think is right. I'm just giving another perspective on what you wrote.
posted by Glinn at 6:58 PM on October 19
This is one of those tricky ones where you think you want something but you can't be sure until you get it and see how you feel.
I said on your earlier post about this guy that it seems more that you're expecting a rapid pace more than that he's moving at a snail's pace, especially given the circumstances as described. And that's okay, as long as you end up finding a guy you're happy with who moves at your desired pace. It's reasonably likely from what you've said that this guy is simply not ready to get serious again so soon, so breaking up with him was at least a defensible choice, and anyway it is unlikely that you can reconnect after dumping him. But I would caution you not to confuse not wanting to do twice-a-week dates at six weeks on with being "flaky" or disrespectful. I presume your actual desire is to find a guy you like rather than find a guy who goes at a certain pace, so you shouldn't let the latter desire take the absolute lead in your decision-making.
(The Internet loves to talk about "asserting your needs" and so forth, but, though it might be great in a specific context, that's rarely inherently good. Boundaries are generally tools, not ends in themselves. So you might ask yourself: what is the value I read into a suitor moving at a brisk pace? Are there other ways to get that for yourself in a relationship if the suitor can't do that? Maybe there aren't, or maybe there are only ways this current fellow wouldn't have been able to do, either. But don't mistake the measure for the measured.)
posted by praemunire at 7:37 PM on October 19
I said on your earlier post about this guy that it seems more that you're expecting a rapid pace more than that he's moving at a snail's pace, especially given the circumstances as described. And that's okay, as long as you end up finding a guy you're happy with who moves at your desired pace. It's reasonably likely from what you've said that this guy is simply not ready to get serious again so soon, so breaking up with him was at least a defensible choice, and anyway it is unlikely that you can reconnect after dumping him. But I would caution you not to confuse not wanting to do twice-a-week dates at six weeks on with being "flaky" or disrespectful. I presume your actual desire is to find a guy you like rather than find a guy who goes at a certain pace, so you shouldn't let the latter desire take the absolute lead in your decision-making.
(The Internet loves to talk about "asserting your needs" and so forth, but, though it might be great in a specific context, that's rarely inherently good. Boundaries are generally tools, not ends in themselves. So you might ask yourself: what is the value I read into a suitor moving at a brisk pace? Are there other ways to get that for yourself in a relationship if the suitor can't do that? Maybe there aren't, or maybe there are only ways this current fellow wouldn't have been able to do, either. But don't mistake the measure for the measured.)
posted by praemunire at 7:37 PM on October 19
You guys are at different places in your life right now.
Timing is a bitch sometimes.
If you could continue with casual and not get emotionally invested but that doesn’t sound like you.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:40 PM on October 19
Timing is a bitch sometimes.
If you could continue with casual and not get emotionally invested but that doesn’t sound like you.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:40 PM on October 19
'a mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it' is something someone told me once & i think of this every time i hear the word. so, what are you learning?
I really liked him. He was attractive, kind, we had a lot in common, similar value systems...
cool!
it's super important to me that we see each other regularly ... he basically said that he genuinely does like me a lot and rattled off a list of things he likes about me, but he's been questioning if he's ready and he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said that he's really liked our slower pace but everything I want is valid
...
I stated my needs and put my foot down... I struggle to assert my needs and I did the right thing here
you did!
I keep wanting to text him to say hi and just see what happens
do it :) ok, that's me being puckish, as i am wont to do, but... you're basically telling the entire internet you like this guy. i think it's alright to text him & say 'hi'
divorce is tough. even breakups can be tough. i know after one relationship that was my longest relationship up to that point i told myself i'd rather be a hermit than go through that again. with marriage there's, like, all this legal stuff & such. anyway, i totally get that someone would want to take things slow
friendship is also cool. he doesn't have to be 'the one'. y'all can just text, talk, see each other sometimes perhaps, whatever. sounds like he's a fine person & you want to connect. so, that's why i say: do it
(that said, i also don't want you to be hurt. if it is difficult for you to interact & feels better to focus your energy elsewhere, please do that. with my exes whom i have no communication with, i totally respect their space, we have separate lives, etc.. with my exes whom i do communicate with, things are chill. like, we also have kind of separate lives & i also respect their space, but sometimes we talk, text, whatever...)
posted by HearHere at 9:53 PM on October 19
I really liked him. He was attractive, kind, we had a lot in common, similar value systems...
cool!
it's super important to me that we see each other regularly ... he basically said that he genuinely does like me a lot and rattled off a list of things he likes about me, but he's been questioning if he's ready and he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said that he's really liked our slower pace but everything I want is valid
...
I stated my needs and put my foot down... I struggle to assert my needs and I did the right thing here
you did!
I keep wanting to text him to say hi and just see what happens
do it :) ok, that's me being puckish, as i am wont to do, but... you're basically telling the entire internet you like this guy. i think it's alright to text him & say 'hi'
divorce is tough. even breakups can be tough. i know after one relationship that was my longest relationship up to that point i told myself i'd rather be a hermit than go through that again. with marriage there's, like, all this legal stuff & such. anyway, i totally get that someone would want to take things slow
friendship is also cool. he doesn't have to be 'the one'. y'all can just text, talk, see each other sometimes perhaps, whatever. sounds like he's a fine person & you want to connect. so, that's why i say: do it
(that said, i also don't want you to be hurt. if it is difficult for you to interact & feels better to focus your energy elsewhere, please do that. with my exes whom i have no communication with, i totally respect their space, we have separate lives, etc.. with my exes whom i do communicate with, things are chill. like, we also have kind of separate lives & i also respect their space, but sometimes we talk, text, whatever...)
posted by HearHere at 9:53 PM on October 19
I think every situation is different and there is anecdata out there for every outcome. But I will share that I approached my last relationship the same way you did. It was with a semi-recently divorced man who, I inferred, needed to move at a snail's pace. I was you in that I ended things with him a couple of months into it because of his inadequate behavior around scheduling and plans. Then I similarly regretted it -- I hated the apps, the communication he and I had around the issue seemed promising, and so I decided to give things another chance. In total, I accommodated what I perceived to be his needs for a year, and for a time it seemed like my "math" was right, and that things were getting into a good groove and he was starting to relax into a serious relationship with me. But, without going into the details about how and why it ended the second time, I will just say, that was a waste of my time and energy. The only reason I am glad I gave him a second chance was because knowing myself, if I had not, I might have regretted it for a long time, fantasizing about counterfactual scenarios and hypothetical possibilities. The way things went, I don't have to second-guess.
So, I guess, if you are like me, and prone to second-guessing, in the interest of avoiding rumination on "what might have been" you can give him another chance (assuming he even wants it -- I wouldn't necessarily take his calm affectionate demeanor at the end as a positive indicator; avoidant people can seem very communicative and open when they are no longer feeling trapped or pressured by a situation). But be prepared for the possibility that no snail will be slow enough for this man, and that even if you become even more patient than you were, and push your needs down even further than you did, that covert contract won't necessarily yield the outcome you want.
posted by virve at 10:44 PM on October 19
So, I guess, if you are like me, and prone to second-guessing, in the interest of avoiding rumination on "what might have been" you can give him another chance (assuming he even wants it -- I wouldn't necessarily take his calm affectionate demeanor at the end as a positive indicator; avoidant people can seem very communicative and open when they are no longer feeling trapped or pressured by a situation). But be prepared for the possibility that no snail will be slow enough for this man, and that even if you become even more patient than you were, and push your needs down even further than you did, that covert contract won't necessarily yield the outcome you want.
posted by virve at 10:44 PM on October 19
It looks like the issue was not just him wanting to take things slower than you but him repeatedly canceling your dates at the last minute.
The dog and the cough - okay. But in your last question you mention him canceling a few times before that, yes? And he wasn't too keen on texting for the three weeks you didn't see each other?
I don't know, I'd honestly find it exhausting to keep making space in my life and heart for a person who seemed so unethused about spending time with me.
I guess what I'm saying is, there's keeping things slow and there's being flaky. Canceling things repeatedly, and not even in a romantic context but also in a professional acquaintance or a friend, tells me you were not that keen on scheduling that meetup in the first place. And I'd hate to feel like someone's chore, you know?
So I'd really honestly think about how much you enjoyed dating him. Not just the days when the stars aligned and you actually met up, but the days in between. If you did not enjoy it then, do you think you'd enjoy it now?
posted by M. at 1:55 AM on October 20
The dog and the cough - okay. But in your last question you mention him canceling a few times before that, yes? And he wasn't too keen on texting for the three weeks you didn't see each other?
I don't know, I'd honestly find it exhausting to keep making space in my life and heart for a person who seemed so unethused about spending time with me.
I guess what I'm saying is, there's keeping things slow and there's being flaky. Canceling things repeatedly, and not even in a romantic context but also in a professional acquaintance or a friend, tells me you were not that keen on scheduling that meetup in the first place. And I'd hate to feel like someone's chore, you know?
So I'd really honestly think about how much you enjoyed dating him. Not just the days when the stars aligned and you actually met up, but the days in between. If you did not enjoy it then, do you think you'd enjoy it now?
posted by M. at 1:55 AM on October 20
You weren’t seeing him before you broke it off either, not much anyway, so you didn’t lose anything except of what you were imagining a future could be. Now you’ve cleared a space for someone who wants to spend time with you. You did the right thing.
posted by waving at 2:44 AM on October 20
posted by waving at 2:44 AM on October 20
When I was in a relationship with someone with CPTSD I watched a number of videos about it from this lady on YouTube. One concept that stuck with me because it resonated with my own 'stuff' is what she rather inelegantly calls 'crapfitting'. Essentially, that is the practice of entering a relationship and jettisoning one's known needs/preferences/expectations, adapting to match what the partner is bringing to the table, even if that is unhealthy or insufficient.
I think a lot of us can relate to that. I bring it up because there are signs of it in your question. I think you did a good job of knowing and communicating your needs, and I don't think you should undo that because of how (truly) exhausting the apps are and how (truly, especially) hard it is to let go of something that seemed promising in so many ways.
This is a good guy who isn't ready. He is the pair of shoes that is the perfect style and color and material, a half size too small. You already decided not to buy the shoes. Good. Don't go back to the store.
posted by wormtales at 6:06 AM on October 20
I think a lot of us can relate to that. I bring it up because there are signs of it in your question. I think you did a good job of knowing and communicating your needs, and I don't think you should undo that because of how (truly) exhausting the apps are and how (truly, especially) hard it is to let go of something that seemed promising in so many ways.
This is a good guy who isn't ready. He is the pair of shoes that is the perfect style and color and material, a half size too small. You already decided not to buy the shoes. Good. Don't go back to the store.
posted by wormtales at 6:06 AM on October 20
Totally understandable that you’re second guessing things with this guy. You liked him and saw good qualities in him. It’s possible that the divorce made him more detached then he was previously
But regardless I do agree with others here who say there’s a difference between someone wanting to take it slow and someone being flaky, aloof, or detached. Often times this can unfortunately mean they might not be that into you. Seeing someone a couple times a week is perfectly reasonable. Wanting them not to cancel a lot is very reasonable. Communication is the root of all relationships. People who are distant or aloof can be painfully hard to communicate with.
Is it possible that things could work out with this guy? Perhaps. But for me, he would have to take the initiative to contact you and show interest. Otherwise it’s probably best to cut your losses.
posted by ljs30 at 6:49 AM on October 20
But regardless I do agree with others here who say there’s a difference between someone wanting to take it slow and someone being flaky, aloof, or detached. Often times this can unfortunately mean they might not be that into you. Seeing someone a couple times a week is perfectly reasonable. Wanting them not to cancel a lot is very reasonable. Communication is the root of all relationships. People who are distant or aloof can be painfully hard to communicate with.
Is it possible that things could work out with this guy? Perhaps. But for me, he would have to take the initiative to contact you and show interest. Otherwise it’s probably best to cut your losses.
posted by ljs30 at 6:49 AM on October 20
Obviously YMMV but for me: You were absolutely right to end it. I've been there and gave too many passes to someone. We can make reasons why this or that reluctant behavior makes sense for the beginning of a relationship...but then you keep it going, always discussing their cancellations and why it was ok or not, for months and years, and as it goes on there are similar issues all along, other ways that the person can't really be fully there. One day you look at them and realize they're not going to be able to make the leap into it with you, even if they've been with you in some way for 3 years.
Is it because he's recently divorced? Maybe. Is it WHY he is divorced - because he doesn't ever go all in? Maybe? who knows - of course I don't know, but the point is, we ladies have to stop giving reasons for things that might change later.
All you know is that you were already chasing him when you want someone shouting your name from the rooftops and, when hearing you have a cough, bringing you soup.
posted by ponie at 7:27 AM on October 20
Is it because he's recently divorced? Maybe. Is it WHY he is divorced - because he doesn't ever go all in? Maybe? who knows - of course I don't know, but the point is, we ladies have to stop giving reasons for things that might change later.
All you know is that you were already chasing him when you want someone shouting your name from the rooftops and, when hearing you have a cough, bringing you soup.
posted by ponie at 7:27 AM on October 20
This was one of the healthiest and most self-aware relationship posts I've seen. You should be proud of how clear your head is, and how perceptive and fair you have been and are still being! And, honestly, so should he.
The main bad behaviour I see is breaking dates, especially after confirming them. That's not cool, and you're right to not tolerate it.
You have needs and desires, and no one person will meet them all. The same is true for everyone (or so I keep reading). Maybe, in whatever way works for you, you can figure out if there's a place for him in your life.
Not the place you imagined, but with full awareness of how he is now (not how you hope he might change) you could truly consider it. Are there other ways to fulfill your own needs? Can they be done solo or with other partners (platonic or romantic or sexual)?
Give yourself free reign to imagine a life where you are not frustrated, and imagine if there's a path to successfully and ethically build that life.
You don't have to follow through on any of it!!
But if you do come up with something that sounds good, then you have something to consider and maybe eventually talk about.
He doesn't need to be involved in any of these steps. This is about you, and your own precious life that doesn't need to follow anyone else's script!
posted by Acari at 7:47 AM on October 20
The main bad behaviour I see is breaking dates, especially after confirming them. That's not cool, and you're right to not tolerate it.
You have needs and desires, and no one person will meet them all. The same is true for everyone (or so I keep reading). Maybe, in whatever way works for you, you can figure out if there's a place for him in your life.
Not the place you imagined, but with full awareness of how he is now (not how you hope he might change) you could truly consider it. Are there other ways to fulfill your own needs? Can they be done solo or with other partners (platonic or romantic or sexual)?
Give yourself free reign to imagine a life where you are not frustrated, and imagine if there's a path to successfully and ethically build that life.
You don't have to follow through on any of it!!
But if you do come up with something that sounds good, then you have something to consider and maybe eventually talk about.
He doesn't need to be involved in any of these steps. This is about you, and your own precious life that doesn't need to follow anyone else's script!
posted by Acari at 7:47 AM on October 20
A similar thing happened to me with a guy going through a divorce. After a month of plausible cancellations I said "Look what kind of relationship are you hoping for. I don't want to be with someone I see once a month. It's fine if you do want that, but not with me so I'm going to keep dating and looking for someone who wants a lot more." The guy panicked and un-cancelled and arranged a fancy date. I felt good about how that went at the time.
But guess what, he was unable to commit when the time came, the divorce was long over, and we had a similar conversation about much higher stakes a year later. Then I broke up. I could have saved myself a year and a half.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 8:59 AM on October 20
But guess what, he was unable to commit when the time came, the divorce was long over, and we had a similar conversation about much higher stakes a year later. Then I broke up. I could have saved myself a year and a half.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 8:59 AM on October 20
You found a guy who was PERFECT! Naturally, you regret letting him go.
You found a guy who was not available. You never actually had him.
There is a reason you walked away, and that reason has not changed. This guy is not looking for what you are looking for.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:48 AM on October 20
You found a guy who was not available. You never actually had him.
There is a reason you walked away, and that reason has not changed. This guy is not looking for what you are looking for.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:48 AM on October 20
The most important factors at the start of a successful relationship are that it has to be more or less the right time and place in everybody's life, enough that they can show up and be their whole selves.
It's just not, for him. He's either not recovered/re-oriented from the divorce OR it's one of the reasons for the divorce and in either case that's not your problem to fix.
Chronic last-minute cancellers are doing it out of anxiety (unless they're just shitheads who got a 'better' offer), for the most part. He's trying to date too soon, or without doing the necessary introspection first, and he's not handling it well.
It sucks, but you can't fix this.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on October 20
It's just not, for him. He's either not recovered/re-oriented from the divorce OR it's one of the reasons for the divorce and in either case that's not your problem to fix.
Chronic last-minute cancellers are doing it out of anxiety (unless they're just shitheads who got a 'better' offer), for the most part. He's trying to date too soon, or without doing the necessary introspection first, and he's not handling it well.
It sucks, but you can't fix this.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on October 20
I remember your previous post, and felt like you were maybe being overly rigid then.
I agree here with what Glinn wrote above most of all. I'll add that it seems like he's been honest and above-board with you; he's not canceled for manipulative or dishonest or even I-need-distance reasons. And if you found yourself in a more established relationship with him, the dog thing would have turned into "can we stay in with the dog instead of go out?".
It's really hard to give things the space and faith to establish themselves, especially when disappointment abounds. But it seems like this one might be worth erring on the side of giving it some more time to see.
posted by Dashy at 10:01 AM on October 20
I agree here with what Glinn wrote above most of all. I'll add that it seems like he's been honest and above-board with you; he's not canceled for manipulative or dishonest or even I-need-distance reasons. And if you found yourself in a more established relationship with him, the dog thing would have turned into "can we stay in with the dog instead of go out?".
It's really hard to give things the space and faith to establish themselves, especially when disappointment abounds. But it seems like this one might be worth erring on the side of giving it some more time to see.
posted by Dashy at 10:01 AM on October 20
Is he coming back to you and asking for another chance? If so, it might be that he's just been hesitant about getting too involved and has realized he made a mistake with you. Although I think you made the right decision to end things when you weren't getting what you were looking for, it could be worth giving it another go since you continue to miss him.
But, given that you don't mention him contacting you, I suspect that he's just not available right now, for whatever reason. You deserve someone enthusiastic about spending time with you, and it sounds like he's just not that person. I get that it's. hard to let go of something that seemed like it could be pretty good in many ways, especially since dating and the apps suck so hard, but unless he also wants it, the relationship you were hoping for just won't exist.
Good for you for having your own back on this. Sometimes it's not easy, but you are on the right runway. The right guy will seek out your company, not avoid it. He's out there, and you deserve him.
posted by rpfields at 12:02 PM on October 20
But, given that you don't mention him contacting you, I suspect that he's just not available right now, for whatever reason. You deserve someone enthusiastic about spending time with you, and it sounds like he's just not that person. I get that it's. hard to let go of something that seemed like it could be pretty good in many ways, especially since dating and the apps suck so hard, but unless he also wants it, the relationship you were hoping for just won't exist.
Good for you for having your own back on this. Sometimes it's not easy, but you are on the right runway. The right guy will seek out your company, not avoid it. He's out there, and you deserve him.
posted by rpfields at 12:02 PM on October 20
It really stings to meet a lovely person at the wrong time. But it seems pretty clear this guy isn't at a point where he can give you the time and attention you're looking for. And with frequent travel on top of just life in general, it doesn't seem likely that he would be any time soon.
The words you chose to describe his behavior indicate to me that he didn't leave you feeling valued. There are lots of people in my life (sometimes including my partner) who I can't see as much as I want to, but we have other ways of showing we value each other. If you've only got "going on dates on a very regular schedule" as your sole metric for feeling valued, expanding that would be worth some reflection. But my guess is that if this guy was making an evident effort on other fronts, you wouldn't have been so frustrated with this extended spell of bad scheduling luck.
If my read on that is accurate, I don't see that texting him is likely to do you a lot of good.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:54 PM on October 20
The words you chose to describe his behavior indicate to me that he didn't leave you feeling valued. There are lots of people in my life (sometimes including my partner) who I can't see as much as I want to, but we have other ways of showing we value each other. If you've only got "going on dates on a very regular schedule" as your sole metric for feeling valued, expanding that would be worth some reflection. But my guess is that if this guy was making an evident effort on other fronts, you wouldn't have been so frustrated with this extended spell of bad scheduling luck.
If my read on that is accurate, I don't see that texting him is likely to do you a lot of good.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:54 PM on October 20
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posted by bookworm4125 at 5:34 PM on October 19