The energy, where does it come from?
September 16, 2024 7:51 AM
I would like to be someone with a lot of energy to do a lot of things. When I was younger I think maybe I actually had a lot of energy or at least average (ran half marathons, completed a challenging post-grad degree, traveled). I can't figure out where other people are finding the wherewithal to do some pretty standard stuff. Maybe you can explain.
I have a fairly good diet (probably 70% whole food plant based with some processed protein bars and cheese thrown in the other 30% of the time). I have always worked out and in the last year added strength training to my cardio. I probably get 7ish hours of sleep every night.
I have a toddler who gets up at 5 a.m. every day of his sweet life. He is pretty typical and cheerful to be with (not an excessively hyper or difficult kid).
I have a demanding job, but I have had this same job for ten years and have earned some flexibility. So while it's hard, I can determine my own schedule most of the time. I can work from home sometimes.
When I hear about what other people in my life take on, I would like to feel up to it but I just cannot. Like, I work hard during g my 40 hour work week, but come 5 p.m. I truly do not have brain energy/capacity left to do more. Meanwhile my colleagues often volunteer for extra opportunities, stay up working till midnight, etc.
I know other families with toddlers who have already added another kid to the mix. I like kids, but my one kid, with a fully equitable partner/co-parent, wears me the heck out. Like on weekends when I am with my kid all day I literally have to nap when he naps I am so spent. I trade off with my spouse sometimes and that helps. I genuinely like being with my kid though. It's just so full on for me.
Maybe this is an artifact of growing up in the 90s when being busy was basically a status symbol, but I always thought I wanted a very "full" life: multiple kids, an exciting and demanding career, lots of exercise, travel, hobbies, etc. Now I kinda wanna lay down like 60% of the time.
If you are someone who can take on all the things, how? Are you compartmentalizing or something?
If you are someone who wanted to be able to do it all, and then came to terms with being low energy (like jeb bush, in the parlance of 2016), how did you do that?
Thank you in advance.
I have a fairly good diet (probably 70% whole food plant based with some processed protein bars and cheese thrown in the other 30% of the time). I have always worked out and in the last year added strength training to my cardio. I probably get 7ish hours of sleep every night.
I have a toddler who gets up at 5 a.m. every day of his sweet life. He is pretty typical and cheerful to be with (not an excessively hyper or difficult kid).
I have a demanding job, but I have had this same job for ten years and have earned some flexibility. So while it's hard, I can determine my own schedule most of the time. I can work from home sometimes.
When I hear about what other people in my life take on, I would like to feel up to it but I just cannot. Like, I work hard during g my 40 hour work week, but come 5 p.m. I truly do not have brain energy/capacity left to do more. Meanwhile my colleagues often volunteer for extra opportunities, stay up working till midnight, etc.
I know other families with toddlers who have already added another kid to the mix. I like kids, but my one kid, with a fully equitable partner/co-parent, wears me the heck out. Like on weekends when I am with my kid all day I literally have to nap when he naps I am so spent. I trade off with my spouse sometimes and that helps. I genuinely like being with my kid though. It's just so full on for me.
Maybe this is an artifact of growing up in the 90s when being busy was basically a status symbol, but I always thought I wanted a very "full" life: multiple kids, an exciting and demanding career, lots of exercise, travel, hobbies, etc. Now I kinda wanna lay down like 60% of the time.
If you are someone who can take on all the things, how? Are you compartmentalizing or something?
If you are someone who wanted to be able to do it all, and then came to terms with being low energy (like jeb bush, in the parlance of 2016), how did you do that?
Thank you in advance.
Toddler years are just incredibly hard for a lot of us. It's not just the physical nature of following them around; it's the emotional self-regulation to do that all. day. and sometimes all. night. long., remembering the yellow sippy cup is OFFENSIVE but the red is fine and so on.
I would have added a kid to the mix earlier (mine are almost 6 years apart) but infertility. But I wouldn't have based that decision on energy - I would have just done it and then figured it out. I think the other families you are looking at probably just got themselves into the situation and then like most families, figured it out from there. I started to get energy back around the 4 to 5 year old mark.
Some other factors could be:
- introversion for my husband was a huge thing when our kids were babbling/he had to be watching them. Once they got to the age they can read on the couch or build Legos it helped him.
- I would definitely get bloodwork done for B12, vitamin D, iron, etc., especially if you birthed the child because things do change post-partum.
- Do you get real breaks - a half day to do whatever the heck you want. For me this is key, key key.
TLDR; it gets better, and it gets better sort of step by step, not all at once
posted by warriorqueen at 8:09 AM on September 16
I would have added a kid to the mix earlier (mine are almost 6 years apart) but infertility. But I wouldn't have based that decision on energy - I would have just done it and then figured it out. I think the other families you are looking at probably just got themselves into the situation and then like most families, figured it out from there. I started to get energy back around the 4 to 5 year old mark.
Some other factors could be:
- introversion for my husband was a huge thing when our kids were babbling/he had to be watching them. Once they got to the age they can read on the couch or build Legos it helped him.
- I would definitely get bloodwork done for B12, vitamin D, iron, etc., especially if you birthed the child because things do change post-partum.
- Do you get real breaks - a half day to do whatever the heck you want. For me this is key, key key.
TLDR; it gets better, and it gets better sort of step by step, not all at once
posted by warriorqueen at 8:09 AM on September 16
You don't mention if you are of the female-body-having persuasion and you don't mention any medical testing or whatnot, so on the chance that you are a cis woman, get thee to a doctor and check out, at the very least, your iron/ferritin/hemoglobin numbers and your thyroid.
Doctors didn't listen to me when I said I was exhausted because I had small children. Then I had two active tweens and then teens and then FINALLY I got a new, woman, doctor who tested pretty much everything and lo and behold I was barely functioning on the lowest iron numbers she had ever seen in her practice AND my thyroid was misbehaving. Once we got those things under control I actually had energy and I can stay awake the WHOLE day! It's magical.
posted by cooker girl at 8:13 AM on September 16
Doctors didn't listen to me when I said I was exhausted because I had small children. Then I had two active tweens and then teens and then FINALLY I got a new, woman, doctor who tested pretty much everything and lo and behold I was barely functioning on the lowest iron numbers she had ever seen in her practice AND my thyroid was misbehaving. Once we got those things under control I actually had energy and I can stay awake the WHOLE day! It's magical.
posted by cooker girl at 8:13 AM on September 16
I mean, a demanding job (even with flexibility), a child, decent sleep, and exercise? That's a lot. I do 3 out of the 4 of those and it's a lot (and the one I don't have is a kid, which is easily the biggest of the four.) If mostly plant based means that you're cooking a lot of your meals, that can be another time suck! If you thought of this as "if I want to do X then I need to drop something" does anything that you listed feel droppable? Can you throw money at one of those things? Because you need rest - not just sleep - but rest from the demands of life. That rest is valuable on its own, but it also allows you to meet your duties adequately and gives you time to have the deeper thoughts that to me are key to a full life.
I'm not a person who can do too much. When I do, I can manage it for a brief period, maybe a month, and then if I don't down shift I will have some sort of meltdown, which isn't great for a middle-aged person, but here I am.
I used to feel internal and external pressure to do more, and a book that really helped to reframe things is Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. I cried when I read it for the first time because for the first time, my inner shoulds were quieted. It helped me to recognize my real values and what an ideal life for me would look like, and having those firmly in mind means that I'm less vulnerable to the internal taskmaster.
But also, there's a reason that people kind of hunker down when raising kids for like...the first 8 years, easy, and after that it only gradually eases. It's not just that they need so much attention and energy, it's that you had a kid and you should enjoy that kid!!
Your life sounds great and you're already doing a lot. Things might be different in 5 or so years but toddlerhood is an intense time.
posted by punchtothehead at 8:14 AM on September 16
I'm not a person who can do too much. When I do, I can manage it for a brief period, maybe a month, and then if I don't down shift I will have some sort of meltdown, which isn't great for a middle-aged person, but here I am.
I used to feel internal and external pressure to do more, and a book that really helped to reframe things is Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. I cried when I read it for the first time because for the first time, my inner shoulds were quieted. It helped me to recognize my real values and what an ideal life for me would look like, and having those firmly in mind means that I'm less vulnerable to the internal taskmaster.
But also, there's a reason that people kind of hunker down when raising kids for like...the first 8 years, easy, and after that it only gradually eases. It's not just that they need so much attention and energy, it's that you had a kid and you should enjoy that kid!!
Your life sounds great and you're already doing a lot. Things might be different in 5 or so years but toddlerhood is an intense time.
posted by punchtothehead at 8:14 AM on September 16
I was raised with the idea that being busy is not just a good thing, but a moral imperative.“Wasting” time when I could be doing something productive was unvirtuous.
I still backslide sometimes, but for the most part what I have internalized is: short people don’t get to be professional basketball players. I was born with a certain top capacity and that’s what I get. I still find it important to use the energy I have wisely, but I have accepted that I have a certain amount of energy and to maintain that requires a certain amount of downtime.
In some ways it just shifts the problem, because accepting that you have limitations is also unvirtuous, but that is so obviously self-destructive that I have an easier time dealing with it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:14 AM on September 16
I still backslide sometimes, but for the most part what I have internalized is: short people don’t get to be professional basketball players. I was born with a certain top capacity and that’s what I get. I still find it important to use the energy I have wisely, but I have accepted that I have a certain amount of energy and to maintain that requires a certain amount of downtime.
In some ways it just shifts the problem, because accepting that you have limitations is also unvirtuous, but that is so obviously self-destructive that I have an easier time dealing with it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:14 AM on September 16
You have a toddler! Life will get easier. As someone with a former toddler, I loved having a toddler but it was also exhausting - when I think back, it was because everything was changing so much and often that once I figured out part of a routine (like bedtime, food) it would change. This took so much mental and physical energy.
Aside from the good medical advice others have given about vitamin levels, sleep, etc., I also saw an increase in energy when I paid more attention to keeping my blood sugar steady. I try to balance my meals with protein / fiber / fat (for example - an apple may be healthy but if I just eat fruit by itself for a snack or meal I will crash later), and I do still eat sweets but with a meal. This and better sleep hygiene has made a huge difference - I feel like I have more energy than two decades ago.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:21 AM on September 16
Aside from the good medical advice others have given about vitamin levels, sleep, etc., I also saw an increase in energy when I paid more attention to keeping my blood sugar steady. I try to balance my meals with protein / fiber / fat (for example - an apple may be healthy but if I just eat fruit by itself for a snack or meal I will crash later), and I do still eat sweets but with a meal. This and better sleep hygiene has made a huge difference - I feel like I have more energy than two decades ago.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:21 AM on September 16
The toddler is a big part of it. You have to be ON with a toddler and it takes energy, of which you have a finite amount. It might be other things as well.
I was shocked by how much it took to raise my kid and I am doing it very much on Easy Mode.
It’s great (I guess?) to be one of those Busy People but I found out I’m not one of them.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:24 AM on September 16
I was shocked by how much it took to raise my kid and I am doing it very much on Easy Mode.
It’s great (I guess?) to be one of those Busy People but I found out I’m not one of them.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:24 AM on September 16
I probably get 7ish hours of sleep every night.
My life sounds a lot like yours. I got a Whoop a year or so ago, and the biggest revelation for me was the difference between sleep quantity and sleep quality. I'm unlikely to get more sleep, but I can do things that enable me to get better sleep.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 8:33 AM on September 16
My life sounds a lot like yours. I got a Whoop a year or so ago, and the biggest revelation for me was the difference between sleep quantity and sleep quality. I'm unlikely to get more sleep, but I can do things that enable me to get better sleep.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 8:33 AM on September 16
this might not be particularly helpful, but you sound like a normal person. I'm in a similar boat and i'm exhausted every single day.
posted by AlbertCalavicci at 8:42 AM on September 16
posted by AlbertCalavicci at 8:42 AM on September 16
I feel this way as well. I think in part it's just that I have a different energy set point from my husband, so I'm just around a guy who makes me feel constantly inadequate to daily life. But also, I do have kind of a bum thyroid, and I also just found out that my ferritin levels are very, very low. So I'm hoping iron supplementation will make some kind of difference. If you're eating a plant based diet, some amount of iron deficiency is not at all unlikely, especially if you menstruate.
posted by potrzebie at 9:14 AM on September 16
posted by potrzebie at 9:14 AM on September 16
You don't mention if you are of the female-body-having persuasion and you don't mention any medical testing or whatnot, so on the chance that you are a cis woman, get thee to a doctor and check out, at the very least, your iron/ferritin/hemoglobin numbers and your thyroid.
Also, if you are in your mid-30s or older, you may want them to start checking hormones; perimenopause can hit as early as this.
And otherwise - you sound very, very normal. I would reflect on whether the people who seem to be Doing All The Things might either be just saying they're doing all the things, or whether they may be hiding other things from you - for instance, the people who volunteer after work: how clean is their bathtub? Are they consistently late sending out birthday cards? Do they do Fresh Direct for their meals or eat takeout all the time?
You get it. Everyone only has so many hours in the day, and odds are that maybe the people who look like they're doing it all either have hired someone to help, or there's an unpaid person (i.e., a live-in grandparent) who takes on some tasks, or they have let some other things slide that they just don't talk about (like how this weekend I took clothes to a tailor, volunteered at the community garden, got my niece her birthday gift on time and did meal prep for the week, but let's not talk about how long it's been since I vacuumed my bedroom).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:15 AM on September 16
Also, if you are in your mid-30s or older, you may want them to start checking hormones; perimenopause can hit as early as this.
And otherwise - you sound very, very normal. I would reflect on whether the people who seem to be Doing All The Things might either be just saying they're doing all the things, or whether they may be hiding other things from you - for instance, the people who volunteer after work: how clean is their bathtub? Are they consistently late sending out birthday cards? Do they do Fresh Direct for their meals or eat takeout all the time?
You get it. Everyone only has so many hours in the day, and odds are that maybe the people who look like they're doing it all either have hired someone to help, or there's an unpaid person (i.e., a live-in grandparent) who takes on some tasks, or they have let some other things slide that they just don't talk about (like how this weekend I took clothes to a tailor, volunteered at the community garden, got my niece her birthday gift on time and did meal prep for the week, but let's not talk about how long it's been since I vacuumed my bedroom).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:15 AM on September 16
When I had toddlers - who weren't getting up at 5am - that would do it right there - I discovered I had thyroid disease and getting that dealt with made a huge difference.
posted by leslies at 9:38 AM on September 16
posted by leslies at 9:38 AM on September 16
One thing to think of is framing of your versus other's activities. Some things you are doing are so normalized for you that they don't even seem significant, while what others are doing seems so alien or exciting that you can't imagine how it happens.
I have people tell me that what I am involved in seems like so much and the idea of it tires them out, where I see those activities as just a natural extension of who I am; it doesn't even feel like anything. Sometimes I forget to mention some activity I am doing, as it doesn't come to mind as significant--just the default way of being.
And then I look at other people and am like how in the world can you fit a kid, dog, bird, garden, etc. into your life?! You work a demanding job -- how is that even possible to do that AND anything else?? How do you manage to *make meals* without someone else doing it?? You know what is on TV? or what the latest pop music is? Keep up with Twitter/Facebook/etc.? How does anybody even do that??
So, yeah, so you sound pretty normal to me (though agree with the upthread thoughts of confirming no major medical problem that may be doing more sapping of energy).
posted by chiefthe at 9:54 AM on September 16
I have people tell me that what I am involved in seems like so much and the idea of it tires them out, where I see those activities as just a natural extension of who I am; it doesn't even feel like anything. Sometimes I forget to mention some activity I am doing, as it doesn't come to mind as significant--just the default way of being.
And then I look at other people and am like how in the world can you fit a kid, dog, bird, garden, etc. into your life?! You work a demanding job -- how is that even possible to do that AND anything else?? How do you manage to *make meals* without someone else doing it?? You know what is on TV? or what the latest pop music is? Keep up with Twitter/Facebook/etc.? How does anybody even do that??
So, yeah, so you sound pretty normal to me (though agree with the upthread thoughts of confirming no major medical problem that may be doing more sapping of energy).
posted by chiefthe at 9:54 AM on September 16
Just another thought to add to what others have said: are you getting enough food, especially protein, to support the level of exercise and activities you're doing? Fatigue and/or poor recovery can easily result from just chronically coming in a bit short of your needs. Deliberately adding a bit extra for a couple weeks might be an interesting experiment.
posted by teremala at 9:59 AM on September 16
posted by teremala at 9:59 AM on September 16
I mean, most of are like "???" with this question because you work full-time and are raising a child and get up before dawn every day. Do you not think you should be tired 12 hours after you wake up and have been going nonstop??? Are you familiar with human baseline abilities???
That being said, you should double-check to make sure you're happy and well. A little bloodwork and a little therapy isn't the worst thing in the world.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:05 AM on September 16
That being said, you should double-check to make sure you're happy and well. A little bloodwork and a little therapy isn't the worst thing in the world.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:05 AM on September 16
I can't figure out where other people are finding the wherewithal to do some pretty standard stuff.
I'm wondering what you think are these "pretty standard" things that you are not also doing? Is it just travel? Is it the having multiple kids? And also kind of wondering what your income bracket is and what theirs is.
We tend to consider our friends, and the people we associate with, to just be basically the same as us but because there's such an anathema to talking about money...this is often an illusion. As a result people, and in this I especially include myself, often fall into the trap of mistaking "pretty standard for real fuckin' rich people" for "pretty standard."
On instagram my friends showcase their crazy vacations and their marathon running and their adorable 2.5 kids and it looks like they just have nuclear levels of energy.
But they don't showcase their nanny, their housecleaner, their personal assistant, their parents who own the law firm they work for...all of the things that make it possible for them to conserve their energy for the fun, splashy stuff that goes online.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:25 AM on September 16
I'm wondering what you think are these "pretty standard" things that you are not also doing? Is it just travel? Is it the having multiple kids? And also kind of wondering what your income bracket is and what theirs is.
We tend to consider our friends, and the people we associate with, to just be basically the same as us but because there's such an anathema to talking about money...this is often an illusion. As a result people, and in this I especially include myself, often fall into the trap of mistaking "pretty standard for real fuckin' rich people" for "pretty standard."
On instagram my friends showcase their crazy vacations and their marathon running and their adorable 2.5 kids and it looks like they just have nuclear levels of energy.
But they don't showcase their nanny, their housecleaner, their personal assistant, their parents who own the law firm they work for...all of the things that make it possible for them to conserve their energy for the fun, splashy stuff that goes online.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:25 AM on September 16
(Actually you know what I have one friend who does in fact showcase her amazing nanny/housekeeper and shout out their personal chef and very explicitly show how those ladies make it possible for her to do the things she does, and that friend is how I put together how many other people are either actively trying to pretend that they are just magically doing it all, or so accustomed to being wealthy that they're like, "of course I have staff, duh, doesn't everyone?")
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on September 16
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on September 16
Sometimes I find myself doing a lot more emotional labor than I should and this exhausts me. Like, if you are doing too much for your toddler; there is a difference between being there for them and comforting them, vs trying to process their emotions for them. I learned that one late.
Also having high standards and knocking myself if I didn’t meet them 100%, like perfect meals or exact bedtimes or doing all the sports. That’s exhausting.
+ coffee !
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:42 AM on September 16
Also having high standards and knocking myself if I didn’t meet them 100%, like perfect meals or exact bedtimes or doing all the sports. That’s exhausting.
+ coffee !
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:42 AM on September 16
(Also some people have kids who play by themselves from a young age. My youngest would tell me “mom this is my game” and didn’t want me getting involved. Sometimes they would send me out of their room at bed time because they wanted to put themselves to sleep! My oldest wanted much more involvement. I do believe some amount of “benign neglect” is appropriate as they get older, so they can learn small independence like making their own breakfast on weekends. Or they ask to play and you just say “no.” This did not come easy to me - because of my own baggage I didn’t want them feeling alone or ignored so I gave them attention every time they asked and it trained them to ask me for more attention and interrupt me all the time, which is exhausting too!)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:50 AM on September 16
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:50 AM on September 16
I probably get 7ish hours of sleep every night.
And you, more than likely, need 8ish hours like an average human. That extra hour would be ideal as a siesta at some point. I’m going to suggest that those people you see with what appears to be boundless energy, are likely sleeping long and well.
posted by rongorongo at 11:14 AM on September 16
And you, more than likely, need 8ish hours like an average human. That extra hour would be ideal as a siesta at some point. I’m going to suggest that those people you see with what appears to be boundless energy, are likely sleeping long and well.
posted by rongorongo at 11:14 AM on September 16
"I always thought I wanted a very "full" life:" You _have_ a very full life! Demanding job + kids + family time = full.
If you don't feel rested though you get 7 hours, it might be worth having a sleep study to see if you are getting _good_ sleep.
posted by TimHare at 11:38 AM on September 16
If you don't feel rested though you get 7 hours, it might be worth having a sleep study to see if you are getting _good_ sleep.
posted by TimHare at 11:38 AM on September 16
Get your thyroid and iron checked.
If you have a partner and they seem more rested than you, then your partner is not stepping up enough, and there's a conversation to be had.
Ultimately, also, look at the things you're doing and, all the balls you're juggling, and give yourself permission to drop one or two. It's so easy to stay in the rut of "doing it all" and "pushing through the pain" when that's pretty much bullshit -- the real goal is to live a joyful life and leave good memories behind you, and if that means you don't do chores so often, that's fine.
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:38 AM on September 16
If you have a partner and they seem more rested than you, then your partner is not stepping up enough, and there's a conversation to be had.
Ultimately, also, look at the things you're doing and, all the balls you're juggling, and give yourself permission to drop one or two. It's so easy to stay in the rut of "doing it all" and "pushing through the pain" when that's pretty much bullshit -- the real goal is to live a joyful life and leave good memories behind you, and if that means you don't do chores so often, that's fine.
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:38 AM on September 16
Toddlers are super demanding. I think a lot of people who seem to do it all have a lot of childcare help- nannies, grandparents, siblings - and screentime! Some of which are taking their toddlers off their hands part of the time.
Also note that as kids get older they require a bit less management and can be left alone for longer, so you get some time back.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:52 AM on September 16
Also note that as kids get older they require a bit less management and can be left alone for longer, so you get some time back.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:52 AM on September 16
1. Having a toddler is exhausting in a way that is greater than the sum of its individual parts.
2. How is your thyroid? TSH levels are considered "normal" up to 5, but many people, myself included, need them to be significantly lower to feel ok. The ceiling of the norm actually used to be 3 according to my doctor. When I had TSH between 4 and 5, it was considered a clinically normal result, but I was exhausted all the time and had no energy. Taking Armour brought it to 1.5 which is my "sweet spot" and I have approximately 300% more energy now. My mom does not feel good unless her TSH is around 1. Just something to be aware of / consider!
posted by virve at 12:03 PM on September 16
2. How is your thyroid? TSH levels are considered "normal" up to 5, but many people, myself included, need them to be significantly lower to feel ok. The ceiling of the norm actually used to be 3 according to my doctor. When I had TSH between 4 and 5, it was considered a clinically normal result, but I was exhausted all the time and had no energy. Taking Armour brought it to 1.5 which is my "sweet spot" and I have approximately 300% more energy now. My mom does not feel good unless her TSH is around 1. Just something to be aware of / consider!
posted by virve at 12:03 PM on September 16
For completeness, I have a lot more energy now that I’m treating my depression more effectively. I was functional before, but I felt like I was dragging myself through the day and was generally not enjoying things despite doing all the healthy eating and exercising and journaling and reaching out to friends. I changed meds and now I don’t have to cajole myself into doing all that stuff. Nothing you said points to this, but I thought I’d flag it anyhow.
posted by momus_window at 12:07 PM on September 16
posted by momus_window at 12:07 PM on September 16
If you are someone who wanted to be able to do it all, and then came to terms with being low energy (like jeb bush, in the parlance of 2016), how did you do that?
I feel this question very deeply. My kids are six and ten now so you'd think it would be better these days and in a lot of ways it is! But I also keep waiting for the energy (not just physical energy, also the mental drive and desire) of my twenties and thirties to come back and... it really hasn't. At this point being low-energy feels far more mental than physical, if that makes sense. I look back at the last several years and they included a navigating a divorce, a ton of solo parenting, and a pandemic, and when I tally the sum of those experiences, I just kinda feel like that was enough to manage for quite awhile, and I really don't feel like taking on extras beyond my basics right now.
I also did a LOT of stuff in my twenties and thirties of the kinds of things you describe (tons of international travel! dating! lots of different jobs! professional development! buying and selling houses! running 5Ks! trying out all kinds of different fitness routines and hobbies! a graduate degree!) and taken together, that also gives me a feeling of... you know what, I've DONE quite a lot of things already and while they were amazing and wonderful and I am beyond grateful for those experiences, I also don't really NEED to do more things right now. My threshold for novelty has gone down and I don't desperately crave as many new experiences as I did when I was younger. I've also done a lot of the self-discovery that naturally comes along with that. I of course still have a high level of curiosity about the world and I certainly expect that I will keep discovering new things/places/people/interests/etc. that fulfill me but I'm also content for them to come to me much more slowly. A lot of those years were dedicated to figuring out how I like to spend my time, earn money, manage my health, be in relationships. What exercise I can reasonably expect myself to complete, what hobbies suit me, how much downtime I need. I was lucky to see a fair amount of the world and probably will again someday. I discovered I'm work to live and that I hate anything that has to be done by committee and you will not EVER see me at work a millisecond beyond my 40 hours. Probably never again will I be making so many simultaneous discoveries about myself at such a breathtaking clip!
I also have to remind myself, now that I'm in a phase of life that is mostly ruled by work and kids and not a lot else, that I NEVER did all of those things at the same time! Even in my twenties I had a very strong sense of only being able to manage a very finite amount of things at a time (I mean, this is everyone truly, but my bar always felt lower than most people's) and I would fall apart pretty quickly and need to take downtime if too much was added to my plate. I very consciously kept my life what I would characterize as "small and manageable."
My partner is a hardcore extrovert with a high threshold for novelty and he drags me out to plenty of events and I'm usually glad I went in the end but man, would I be unlikely to initiate them if left to my own devices.
I really recommend Kendra Adachi's book "The Plan" which is coming out in October and is about compassionate time management, particularly with respect to acknowledging the season you're in. Very similar vibe to Oliver Burkeman mentioned above.
posted by anderjen at 12:43 PM on September 16
I feel this question very deeply. My kids are six and ten now so you'd think it would be better these days and in a lot of ways it is! But I also keep waiting for the energy (not just physical energy, also the mental drive and desire) of my twenties and thirties to come back and... it really hasn't. At this point being low-energy feels far more mental than physical, if that makes sense. I look back at the last several years and they included a navigating a divorce, a ton of solo parenting, and a pandemic, and when I tally the sum of those experiences, I just kinda feel like that was enough to manage for quite awhile, and I really don't feel like taking on extras beyond my basics right now.
I also did a LOT of stuff in my twenties and thirties of the kinds of things you describe (tons of international travel! dating! lots of different jobs! professional development! buying and selling houses! running 5Ks! trying out all kinds of different fitness routines and hobbies! a graduate degree!) and taken together, that also gives me a feeling of... you know what, I've DONE quite a lot of things already and while they were amazing and wonderful and I am beyond grateful for those experiences, I also don't really NEED to do more things right now. My threshold for novelty has gone down and I don't desperately crave as many new experiences as I did when I was younger. I've also done a lot of the self-discovery that naturally comes along with that. I of course still have a high level of curiosity about the world and I certainly expect that I will keep discovering new things/places/people/interests/etc. that fulfill me but I'm also content for them to come to me much more slowly. A lot of those years were dedicated to figuring out how I like to spend my time, earn money, manage my health, be in relationships. What exercise I can reasonably expect myself to complete, what hobbies suit me, how much downtime I need. I was lucky to see a fair amount of the world and probably will again someday. I discovered I'm work to live and that I hate anything that has to be done by committee and you will not EVER see me at work a millisecond beyond my 40 hours. Probably never again will I be making so many simultaneous discoveries about myself at such a breathtaking clip!
I also have to remind myself, now that I'm in a phase of life that is mostly ruled by work and kids and not a lot else, that I NEVER did all of those things at the same time! Even in my twenties I had a very strong sense of only being able to manage a very finite amount of things at a time (I mean, this is everyone truly, but my bar always felt lower than most people's) and I would fall apart pretty quickly and need to take downtime if too much was added to my plate. I very consciously kept my life what I would characterize as "small and manageable."
My partner is a hardcore extrovert with a high threshold for novelty and he drags me out to plenty of events and I'm usually glad I went in the end but man, would I be unlikely to initiate them if left to my own devices.
I really recommend Kendra Adachi's book "The Plan" which is coming out in October and is about compassionate time management, particularly with respect to acknowledging the season you're in. Very similar vibe to Oliver Burkeman mentioned above.
posted by anderjen at 12:43 PM on September 16
Some people just have more energy than other people too - in the same way that some people are smarter and some people better athletes and some more hair and others taller, and some more popular. I'm sure you have some thing you have more of than average. You just don't see it as an 'advantage' because it seems like something innate to you and you assume everyone has it too.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:46 PM on September 16
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:46 PM on September 16
Thank you to everyone for all the replies and reminders to check on nutrition, sleep, hormones, and depression. I will do those things. I also appreciate the validation that I should continue to let my own sense of what I can handle guide me. I probably won't add to our family because I am tired and content as it is. Maybe if I could do a large age gap I would go for it, but I am too old already. And as several people pointed out, the goal is to enjoy life! Not just survive or manage or push through. I am at the point where more would not be more either in terms of family members or career responsibilities.
posted by Sophiaverde at 12:59 PM on September 16
posted by Sophiaverde at 12:59 PM on September 16
I think many people have answered your question well re: expectations and how much energy a toddler and full time job outside the home can take. One thing I wanted to note: if you suspect you may have low iron/ferritin but lab results came back “normal,” be aware that the stated guidelines for “normal” ferritin levels for women and AFAB folks vary, and in many jurisdictions are actually dangerously low.
For example, thanks to advocacy by doctors and hematologists, Ontario recently updated its guidelines for ferritin levels in women and they are more in line with what is ideal. So now that I know that (in my province my ferritin levels are still considered “normal”) I am trying to get them up to >30 micrograms/litre.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:51 PM on September 16
For example, thanks to advocacy by doctors and hematologists, Ontario recently updated its guidelines for ferritin levels in women and they are more in line with what is ideal. So now that I know that (in my province my ferritin levels are still considered “normal”) I am trying to get them up to >30 micrograms/litre.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:51 PM on September 16
I just want to emphasize blood sugar—I can’t eat any simple carbs or anything sweet for breakfast or lunch or I can’t get through the day. So it’s brown rice cakes and PB for breakfast, a protein and brown rice or quinoa with protein and veg for lunch. I’m really ridged about this, because low blood sugar feels like exhaustion and I can’t get through the day if I’m exhausted by 3pm. (Also a job and kids here.)
posted by Ollie at 5:15 PM on September 16
posted by Ollie at 5:15 PM on September 16
As someone who has 2 kids, I will say that having 2 kids is double the kids, but NOT double the workload. When they're both little it's like 150% of the work, since you're already cleaning mess and doing a ton of laundry all the time anyway. Plus you're now more experienced as a parent, so your anxiety, confidence, and speed in making decisions are much less exhausting when making choices for the second kid.
When they both scream at the same time or in a round, or when they alternate not sleeping, it sucks, I won't lie, but it is definitely NOT as bad as "twice the work" which is what I was worried about.
And as the kids get older it may even become a little easier to have 2, rather than a single kid because they can entertain each other (well, my friend says that about her kids, at least, who are 2.5 years apart).
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on September 16
When they both scream at the same time or in a round, or when they alternate not sleeping, it sucks, I won't lie, but it is definitely NOT as bad as "twice the work" which is what I was worried about.
And as the kids get older it may even become a little easier to have 2, rather than a single kid because they can entertain each other (well, my friend says that about her kids, at least, who are 2.5 years apart).
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on September 16
A lot of the people who manage to have those amazing full lives do it by periodically taking considerable time off from some of those many activities. So yes, you can certainly have a toddler and a job and still train for a marathon - you just have to get your partner to agree to be sole and primary caretaker for that toddler for the two months or more you need to train. And then THEY get two months or more off from being the chief and essentially only caretaker while you do parenting, while they spend all their time when they are not working studying for some certification program, until it gets to the point where the toddler bursts into tears when they go into the kidlets room at night because they fail to recognize who the stranger in the bedroom is...
You can sometimes do it all if you skip doing some basic stuff entirely and do the rest of it seasonally. For example, if you have a job that encourages you to take masses and masses of time off between their client contracts, you can look pretty amazing because you were only working six hours a week instead your usual fifty hours, and you took that free time to renovate and redecorate your downstairs bathroom.
Another shortcut that amazing people who do so much have is that sometimes they entirely skip some regular part of life, like cooking, doing dishes and having variety in their meals. Seven days a week it's a grocery store rotisserie chicken and some bagged salad and some buns, and almost the only other thing the family eats is cereal and milk... Week after week after week, and the paper plates into the compost bin. They don't even heat up stuff in the microwave.
I have a question for you. Did you ever get one of those standard cold/flu type illnesses that lingered? This happens to a lot of quite energetic people, - especially to highly energetic people who get right back into being super active and responsible well before they have recovered, who then find they never really bounce back from it, and for a long time afterwards, often for years, their energy level is dialed back by a sizeable percentage. Is it possible that this happened to you? A lot of us only heard of this phenomena when we first heard of Long Covid but there are any number of other common infections that can do the same thing. You've got a toddler, who could have brought something home from daycare and that did a number on you.
Another question. Your toddler gets up at 5 AM. Prior to having to get up with the toddler, did you happily get up at five am yourself, raring to go, and invigorated? A lot of us have metabolisms and circadian rhythms that work much better on some schedules than others. It's possible that your best quality of sleep naturally occurs at a time when you can no longer sleep, and you just aren't getting enough now. Some people can manage quite nicely on just seven hours of sleep... provided those hours are from two AM to nine AM... Make them go to bed at ten PM and get up at five and they miss their most productive and effective sleep cycles. They start needing nine hours of sleep a night instead. What happens to your energy levels if you get a week where you get up and go to bed at the time that worked best for you before kids?
Has your sugar and/or caffeine intake been going up? Keep in mind that sugar is hidden in a lot of things, from bread to sauces, and even fruit which has been bred to be sweeter and have less fibre than the original breeds. Your diet might be making you tired due to unstable blood sugar levels because you are consuming too many simple carbohydrates. But also your diet can shift in that direction as you develop metabolic disorders. Pre-diabetics crave sugar much more than non diabetics - that's a symptom of their metabolism changing. It hasn't even been proven to be a cause of diabetes, although the common belief is that you can cause diabetes by eating a diet high in sugar.
And finally, some types of work require more energy than others. It's the executive functioning and complex problem solving that does it. So if you are working an equal number of hours, but now your work requires a lot of brain power and planning and sequencing where it didn't before, that could be where the energy drain is coming from. You'd expect to need more energy and be more tired if your job were more strenuous - but simply becoming responsible for problem solving can be a huge drain on your system resources.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:06 PM on September 16
You can sometimes do it all if you skip doing some basic stuff entirely and do the rest of it seasonally. For example, if you have a job that encourages you to take masses and masses of time off between their client contracts, you can look pretty amazing because you were only working six hours a week instead your usual fifty hours, and you took that free time to renovate and redecorate your downstairs bathroom.
Another shortcut that amazing people who do so much have is that sometimes they entirely skip some regular part of life, like cooking, doing dishes and having variety in their meals. Seven days a week it's a grocery store rotisserie chicken and some bagged salad and some buns, and almost the only other thing the family eats is cereal and milk... Week after week after week, and the paper plates into the compost bin. They don't even heat up stuff in the microwave.
I have a question for you. Did you ever get one of those standard cold/flu type illnesses that lingered? This happens to a lot of quite energetic people, - especially to highly energetic people who get right back into being super active and responsible well before they have recovered, who then find they never really bounce back from it, and for a long time afterwards, often for years, their energy level is dialed back by a sizeable percentage. Is it possible that this happened to you? A lot of us only heard of this phenomena when we first heard of Long Covid but there are any number of other common infections that can do the same thing. You've got a toddler, who could have brought something home from daycare and that did a number on you.
Another question. Your toddler gets up at 5 AM. Prior to having to get up with the toddler, did you happily get up at five am yourself, raring to go, and invigorated? A lot of us have metabolisms and circadian rhythms that work much better on some schedules than others. It's possible that your best quality of sleep naturally occurs at a time when you can no longer sleep, and you just aren't getting enough now. Some people can manage quite nicely on just seven hours of sleep... provided those hours are from two AM to nine AM... Make them go to bed at ten PM and get up at five and they miss their most productive and effective sleep cycles. They start needing nine hours of sleep a night instead. What happens to your energy levels if you get a week where you get up and go to bed at the time that worked best for you before kids?
Has your sugar and/or caffeine intake been going up? Keep in mind that sugar is hidden in a lot of things, from bread to sauces, and even fruit which has been bred to be sweeter and have less fibre than the original breeds. Your diet might be making you tired due to unstable blood sugar levels because you are consuming too many simple carbohydrates. But also your diet can shift in that direction as you develop metabolic disorders. Pre-diabetics crave sugar much more than non diabetics - that's a symptom of their metabolism changing. It hasn't even been proven to be a cause of diabetes, although the common belief is that you can cause diabetes by eating a diet high in sugar.
And finally, some types of work require more energy than others. It's the executive functioning and complex problem solving that does it. So if you are working an equal number of hours, but now your work requires a lot of brain power and planning and sequencing where it didn't before, that could be where the energy drain is coming from. You'd expect to need more energy and be more tired if your job were more strenuous - but simply becoming responsible for problem solving can be a huge drain on your system resources.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:06 PM on September 16
More protein and more sleep! But also, being busy is overrated.
posted by exceptinsects at 10:15 PM on September 16
posted by exceptinsects at 10:15 PM on September 16
some people are healthy
some people are not
how confident are you that you're actually in the first group?
go to the doctor and get everything checked -- low energy and brain fog are early warning signs of a lot of health problems
posted by Jacqueline at 1:39 AM on September 17
some people are not
how confident are you that you're actually in the first group?
go to the doctor and get everything checked -- low energy and brain fog are early warning signs of a lot of health problems
posted by Jacqueline at 1:39 AM on September 17
Also, if you're saying you're "already too old" to have more kids, let alone with a big age gap...well hon, look, when we get older we get old. It's a thing. Yeah sure there's a huge spectrum of energy levels across people in their 40s but I'm pretttttttty sure that no matter where you're at in your 40s, it's a fuckton slower than where you were in your 20s. That's just having a mortal body.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:03 AM on September 17
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:03 AM on September 17
Toddler and sleep jumped out at me as well as:
Like on weekends when I am with my kid all day I literally have to nap when he naps I am so spent.
Where is your partner in this equation? You mentioned it was an equitable partnership but without further context it seems like there might be a big opportunity for them to step up and switch out.
posted by canine epigram at 1:58 AM on September 18
Like on weekends when I am with my kid all day I literally have to nap when he naps I am so spent.
Where is your partner in this equation? You mentioned it was an equitable partnership but without further context it seems like there might be a big opportunity for them to step up and switch out.
posted by canine epigram at 1:58 AM on September 18
God I hate to pile on, but yeah, toddlers and being a birthing parent and midlife are just a bitch on the energy levels. I am a 38 year old who gave birth two years ago and I am TIRED. I used to travel and do all kinds of cool stuff and that is just not really the season of life I am in for the most part. I am trying to hold on to the things that brought me the most meaning in some way and try to hope they can slowly come back as my son gets a little more self sufficient.
My kid is a ridiculously good sleeper and I am still tired. It is TIRING to parent and hold down a job. People who are "doing more" are frequently either carefully curating what you see and that more is coming at some real cost to their health, happiness, or their relationships. The people I know who seem to be doing more and thriving tend to have a TON of extended family network support. Because you cannot overestimate how truly mismatched humans are with our current isolated nuclear family with two working parents model of society. We spend most of our time trying to keep our heads above water and spend some time with our kid because he's growing up at warp speed, and then recovering from spending time with our kid. I keep hearing kindergarten age is the light at the end of the tunnel.
But also yes get those blood tests and be a pest about it. Pregnancy and birthing and breastfeeding if you do it takes a toll that lasts a long time. Pernicious anemia is sneaky and miserable and very treatable. Pregnancy shot my thyroid to shit so I have to take meds now and get my TSH checked to, like, stay upright. Toddler parenting is tiring, but definitely don't suffer more than necessary if there's a fairly straightforward fix!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:17 PM on September 18
My kid is a ridiculously good sleeper and I am still tired. It is TIRING to parent and hold down a job. People who are "doing more" are frequently either carefully curating what you see and that more is coming at some real cost to their health, happiness, or their relationships. The people I know who seem to be doing more and thriving tend to have a TON of extended family network support. Because you cannot overestimate how truly mismatched humans are with our current isolated nuclear family with two working parents model of society. We spend most of our time trying to keep our heads above water and spend some time with our kid because he's growing up at warp speed, and then recovering from spending time with our kid. I keep hearing kindergarten age is the light at the end of the tunnel.
But also yes get those blood tests and be a pest about it. Pregnancy and birthing and breastfeeding if you do it takes a toll that lasts a long time. Pernicious anemia is sneaky and miserable and very treatable. Pregnancy shot my thyroid to shit so I have to take meds now and get my TSH checked to, like, stay upright. Toddler parenting is tiring, but definitely don't suffer more than necessary if there's a fairly straightforward fix!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:17 PM on September 18
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There you go. Mine wake up at 7-8 on the weekends, sometimes later.
Can your partner let you sleep in on the weekends? or maybe one weekend? how much sleep are you getting on average? how much are you exercising?
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 8:07 AM on September 16