Can a bookstore cat become a sex kitten?
January 29, 2024 9:04 PM Subscribe
I want to look sexy in the bedroom! But I feel ridiculous at the thought of most sexy clothing: high heels, lacy lingerie, false eyelashes... It's too far from my day-to-day and feels silly, not sexy. Is there a middle ground?
I'm a small framed woman, short pixie haircut, don't wear make up (not even lipstick). I am clean and well groomed, but I am not fancy. My underwear is choice is boy shorts and I generally don't even wear a bra (or I'll pull on a tank top if I need some coverage.)
Is it possible for someone like me to pull off a sexy look somehow? Are there sexy style icons I can look to for inspiration? Or some quiet clothing designer creating a line of sexy librarian lingerie?
I'm a small framed woman, short pixie haircut, don't wear make up (not even lipstick). I am clean and well groomed, but I am not fancy. My underwear is choice is boy shorts and I generally don't even wear a bra (or I'll pull on a tank top if I need some coverage.)
Is it possible for someone like me to pull off a sexy look somehow? Are there sexy style icons I can look to for inspiration? Or some quiet clothing designer creating a line of sexy librarian lingerie?
Best answer: I feel similarly about stereotypically sexy clothing. It just doesn’t feel authentically me. I would ask these questions: What does make you feel sexy? What do you like on yourself?
I think that if you feel sexy in something that some of that will come across to anyone else who might see you.
I don’t know if you’re looking for places to shop, but I have found things that I like at Negative Underwear.
posted by Maeve at 9:39 PM on January 29, 2024 [5 favorites]
I think that if you feel sexy in something that some of that will come across to anyone else who might see you.
I don’t know if you’re looking for places to shop, but I have found things that I like at Negative Underwear.
posted by Maeve at 9:39 PM on January 29, 2024 [5 favorites]
Best answer: how about a nice slinky satin nightgown. It doesn't have to have lace or anything fancy (unless you want that) get a nice one in a colour you like, they are flattering and feel very luxurious, and the actual magical secret? they're really comfortable!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:41 PM on January 29, 2024 [7 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:41 PM on January 29, 2024 [7 favorites]
Sexy is in the eye of the beholder (also in the mind of the one being beheld, but that's not what you're asking) and for many people, me included, the 'traditional' sexy things like lace, high heels and false eyelashes do nothing. For me, the best way to look sexy is to feel sexy. The nightgown suggested above (and nothing else) after a hot bath or shower and some smelly stuff? Oh, yes. Wobbly high heels and overpriced lingerie? No.
posted by dg at 10:26 PM on January 29, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by dg at 10:26 PM on January 29, 2024 [6 favorites]
How confident are you with your body? Start with attitude, IMHO. The rest are just... spice.
posted by kschang at 10:27 PM on January 29, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by kschang at 10:27 PM on January 29, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Start small
Get a pair of lacy silky french knickers, similar to boyshorts, but luxury. You might want to get a matching bralette later.
Get 1 good bold lipstick. Find a colour you really like even if it is out of your confort zone.
Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are sexy sexy sexy
Have fun, because it is all very silly
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:28 PM on January 29, 2024 [1 favorite]
Get a pair of lacy silky french knickers, similar to boyshorts, but luxury. You might want to get a matching bralette later.
Get 1 good bold lipstick. Find a colour you really like even if it is out of your confort zone.
Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are sexy sexy sexy
Have fun, because it is all very silly
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:28 PM on January 29, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It you can afford it, stick to real silk for the slip nightgown and french knickers.
Try to aim for minimalist and confident french sexy.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:47 PM on January 29, 2024 [4 favorites]
Try to aim for minimalist and confident french sexy.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:47 PM on January 29, 2024 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Is there an aspect of your body that you like the most? For example, if you feel like you have nice skin, your “lingerie” could just be a scent you love and some judiciously swiped highlighter powder. If you like your hips and butt, try underwear that cuts high on the hip to frame your shape, and/or a chemise that flares from the waist and stops right below your cheeks so it emphasizes your waist and does a peekaboo thing with the length.
Since you say you rarely wear a bra (jealous!) you might find that a well-fitting bra might help shift you into a more sexy mode, because it feels special. There are some really nice wireless bralettes now that come in fun colors and soft fabrics, or have cool strappy designs because they are often intended to be at least partially visible. If you especially like your breasts and don’t want to cover them up a low cut robe can be very effective - good ones have ties on the inside so you can tie them overlapped in a way such that you’re not worried about the whole thing coming off but you can have your chest very accessible.
I think that most of what you list as “sexy clothing” is actually “male gaze porn accessories”. Like, the only people wearing false eyelashes in the bedroom are people with a kink for full glam makeup, not your run of the mill humans rubbing up on each other. What makes someone sexy is almost never their sartorial choices; but it can be about what those sartorial choices indicate. Like, if a dude has holes in his briefs and keeps his fedora on in the bedroom, I am not into it - but that’s because of what those things tell me about him, not the actual objects. So what makes you feel connected to your body? Are there textures you really like against your skin? Or do you feel more confident with certain parts concealed vs other parts revealed? If sex for you involves a lot of foreplay with your partner, maybe there are areas of your body you want them to access more quickly, whereas you want them to work up to others, and the clothes you wear can help that process. If sex for you is about seizing the moment and spontaneity, I think your boyshorts are perfect, maybe with a cozy oversized sweater on top to peel off and cuddle back up in afterward.
Pretty lace bralette
Soft cozy sweater
What you wear while holding a candle on the way to be ravished by a sexy Victorian ghost gentleman
Gorgeous but simple Natori shorts and wrap set
posted by Mizu at 10:53 PM on January 29, 2024 [3 favorites]
Since you say you rarely wear a bra (jealous!) you might find that a well-fitting bra might help shift you into a more sexy mode, because it feels special. There are some really nice wireless bralettes now that come in fun colors and soft fabrics, or have cool strappy designs because they are often intended to be at least partially visible. If you especially like your breasts and don’t want to cover them up a low cut robe can be very effective - good ones have ties on the inside so you can tie them overlapped in a way such that you’re not worried about the whole thing coming off but you can have your chest very accessible.
I think that most of what you list as “sexy clothing” is actually “male gaze porn accessories”. Like, the only people wearing false eyelashes in the bedroom are people with a kink for full glam makeup, not your run of the mill humans rubbing up on each other. What makes someone sexy is almost never their sartorial choices; but it can be about what those sartorial choices indicate. Like, if a dude has holes in his briefs and keeps his fedora on in the bedroom, I am not into it - but that’s because of what those things tell me about him, not the actual objects. So what makes you feel connected to your body? Are there textures you really like against your skin? Or do you feel more confident with certain parts concealed vs other parts revealed? If sex for you involves a lot of foreplay with your partner, maybe there are areas of your body you want them to access more quickly, whereas you want them to work up to others, and the clothes you wear can help that process. If sex for you is about seizing the moment and spontaneity, I think your boyshorts are perfect, maybe with a cozy oversized sweater on top to peel off and cuddle back up in afterward.
Pretty lace bralette
Soft cozy sweater
What you wear while holding a candle on the way to be ravished by a sexy Victorian ghost gentleman
Gorgeous but simple Natori shorts and wrap set
posted by Mizu at 10:53 PM on January 29, 2024 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I notice that everything you're describing as sexy is stuff that I'd just describe as extremely feminine.
Boy shorts and a tank top is very sexy in my culture (I'm a masculine-leaning women who often dates masculine women.)
I am not saying you shouldn't find some more feminine things to wear if you like that idea, but I know that in the past I've fallen into rote ideas about what I should wear for X situation because I am a woman and reader, it never ever turned out well.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:38 AM on January 30, 2024 [21 favorites]
Boy shorts and a tank top is very sexy in my culture (I'm a masculine-leaning women who often dates masculine women.)
I am not saying you shouldn't find some more feminine things to wear if you like that idea, but I know that in the past I've fallen into rote ideas about what I should wear for X situation because I am a woman and reader, it never ever turned out well.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:38 AM on January 30, 2024 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Some things to think about, some of which others have already discussed:
low-cut necklines, or a polo shirt or button-up shirt where you unbutton several buttons for cleavage and chest access
fabrics that feel slinky and fun on the skin
skirt with a slit that invites your partner to explore
threadbare clothes with holes that you encourage your partner to slip fingers through, further tear in order to disrobe you
So, one bedroom outfit might be:
tank top with a deep scoop neck that is made of something soft and stretchy
a super old pair of shorts with a hole pretty near the crotch
no underwear
posted by brainwane at 5:13 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
low-cut necklines, or a polo shirt or button-up shirt where you unbutton several buttons for cleavage and chest access
fabrics that feel slinky and fun on the skin
skirt with a slit that invites your partner to explore
threadbare clothes with holes that you encourage your partner to slip fingers through, further tear in order to disrobe you
So, one bedroom outfit might be:
tank top with a deep scoop neck that is made of something soft and stretchy
a super old pair of shorts with a hole pretty near the crotch
no underwear
posted by brainwane at 5:13 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Is there an era you find really cool? Pixie boyish look seems like flapper aesthetic might work really well. For me 1940s does. This way you don’t have to have specific “vamp” clothing but it can still code as “sexy and different” and you don’t feel silly but powerful.
posted by corb at 5:34 AM on January 30, 2024
posted by corb at 5:34 AM on January 30, 2024
Best answer: Sexy clothing can also be more "bright and fun" than "vampy" if that sounds more like you - a tank top and shorts in "special occasion" fabrics like silk/satin, lamé, mesh.
Thigh-high socks or stockings can also add a fun and sexy note to shorts. It can be more vintage femme with "tap pants" or more contemporary with boyshorts (I don't know if the last link will go to it but there's a socks over fishnets with shorts picture in there that I think is a great fun sexy look).
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:35 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Thigh-high socks or stockings can also add a fun and sexy note to shorts. It can be more vintage femme with "tap pants" or more contemporary with boyshorts (I don't know if the last link will go to it but there's a socks over fishnets with shorts picture in there that I think is a great fun sexy look).
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:35 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Mesh is a great idea!
Another way to think about this is: look at what butch fashion looks like, and consider versions of those garments you would enjoy feeling as they move on your and your partner's skin.
posted by brainwane at 7:03 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Another way to think about this is: look at what butch fashion looks like, and consider versions of those garments you would enjoy feeling as they move on your and your partner's skin.
posted by brainwane at 7:03 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Look up the brand Tomboy X. They are more aimed at queer people but they may be exactly your style.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:29 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:29 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A lacy/ pretty tank top. Camisoles can be pretty without being silly. Anything with a full zipper for fun removal. A men's dress shirt. A prim and proper top with a silky camisole under it. Kimonos can be sexy. Maybe shop for some cologne that you can wear just a little bit of, for change of mood. Candlelight is flattering and generally sexy. Sex on a soft throw on the couch, by candlelight. Or following a shower together. Maybe get some sexy underwear o
posted by theora55 at 10:26 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 10:26 AM on January 30, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OP, this internet stranger give you permission to be MORE fem if that is what you wish too.
If you wanna try how it feels before investing, some woman run sex shops do sexy pin up lingerie and dresses. Treat it as dress up and cosplay, go for the nines out of you confort zone and then scale it back to what you think is your grade of sexyness. You might discover something new about yourself.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:53 AM on January 30, 2024 [2 favorites]
If you wanna try how it feels before investing, some woman run sex shops do sexy pin up lingerie and dresses. Treat it as dress up and cosplay, go for the nines out of you confort zone and then scale it back to what you think is your grade of sexyness. You might discover something new about yourself.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 10:53 AM on January 30, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've dated a number of women very much like how you describe yourself.
Neither myself or my partners have been into the over the top lingerie stuff that you mention. What's worked best for us has been stuff that's close to day to day wear but just a little nicer - extra soft, touchable, or clingy fabrics like bamboo or velvet, a little bit of embroidery (one of me and an ex's mutual favorites had a single rose embroidered right at that little dip from the hipbone), the string bikinis that have two strings rather than one, etc.
Sheer/lace/mesh has already been touched on but has been popular from both sides in my relationships. The woman I was with longest liked to switch up her pubic hair styles on a regular basis and when she did would often wear something a little seethrough to give me a preview.
Context can also be important - neither myself or my partners would have been into fishnet stockings as a normal thing, but after a night out at anything from the underwear run at Rocky to kink events, they were fun. Exhibitionism may not be your thing, but there might be something similar that pushes your buttons.
I'm assuming as you didn't mention them that thongs aren't your thing, but they are attractive to a lot of people. One of my exes didn't particularly care for them, but would wear them from time to time, because she knew that if I spotted or felt them peeking up above her jeans I knew I'd be getting jumped later and the physical sensation throughout the day would remind her she was going to get lucky that night.
You might check out the /r/bois subreddit (very, very NSFW) for some inspiration, as most of the people who post there are very much your body type and style.
posted by Candleman at 10:56 AM on January 30, 2024 [2 favorites]
Neither myself or my partners have been into the over the top lingerie stuff that you mention. What's worked best for us has been stuff that's close to day to day wear but just a little nicer - extra soft, touchable, or clingy fabrics like bamboo or velvet, a little bit of embroidery (one of me and an ex's mutual favorites had a single rose embroidered right at that little dip from the hipbone), the string bikinis that have two strings rather than one, etc.
Sheer/lace/mesh has already been touched on but has been popular from both sides in my relationships. The woman I was with longest liked to switch up her pubic hair styles on a regular basis and when she did would often wear something a little seethrough to give me a preview.
Context can also be important - neither myself or my partners would have been into fishnet stockings as a normal thing, but after a night out at anything from the underwear run at Rocky to kink events, they were fun. Exhibitionism may not be your thing, but there might be something similar that pushes your buttons.
I'm assuming as you didn't mention them that thongs aren't your thing, but they are attractive to a lot of people. One of my exes didn't particularly care for them, but would wear them from time to time, because she knew that if I spotted or felt them peeking up above her jeans I knew I'd be getting jumped later and the physical sensation throughout the day would remind her she was going to get lucky that night.
You might check out the /r/bois subreddit (very, very NSFW) for some inspiration, as most of the people who post there are very much your body type and style.
posted by Candleman at 10:56 AM on January 30, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The first question I have is "sexy to whom?" You? A known partner? A theoretical partner? These can have some variation in methodology.
Let's start with the impossible, a theoretical future partner. You have no idea what they like, so you fall into the ideas in popular culture that you are struggling with right now. A dominant theme for sexy women might be a lot about lingerie that emphasizes a body you don't resemble or relies on things that don't you don't feel comfortable or confident in. You can, of course, experiment in this space and see if you can grow to like it. How much effort you put into exploring this is left as an exercise for the reader.
Next, we move one step closer to a known partner. Do you know what they like? A high femme push up bra/lace/garters and stocking asthetic? A strappy theme with hints towards bondage? Cute with a lot of loose fits that give glimpses skin that might let one "sneak a peek". Maybe they don't really know either and we are need to experiment.
Now for yourself, since you don't really know how to get there, I'd suggest some exploration. If you know a fun and sexy person that could help recommend some looks based on knowing you, that can be fun. Let's take a few types and explore.
Femme. Given your post, let's think somewhere along baby steps. Try a very low rise boy short or other fuller coverage cut. Try some bolder colors. Would that feel too weird with stockings? How about with a mesh bralette?
Flow. See note about colors above. Also consider a very loose camisole and some bottoms like tap pants that flow in silks or other smooth textures. Think about how this can tease with how the material can gap away from your body.
Bold. We're skipping color and going right back to the safety of black, but consider some things that are mostly straps and rings. Does this make you feel like a domme baddy? Can you lean into it?
You might consider booking a good boudoir session to help you reconnect with seeing your body from another way and trying out some different moods. I did a free 28 day sexy selfie challenge with everyboudie/Belly/Sam this year and it really helped me connect with some things I was working through.
Of course, now that I wrote all that, I want to start a side gig styling up queer folks trying to find this in their lives...
posted by advicepig at 11:02 AM on January 30, 2024 [5 favorites]
Let's start with the impossible, a theoretical future partner. You have no idea what they like, so you fall into the ideas in popular culture that you are struggling with right now. A dominant theme for sexy women might be a lot about lingerie that emphasizes a body you don't resemble or relies on things that don't you don't feel comfortable or confident in. You can, of course, experiment in this space and see if you can grow to like it. How much effort you put into exploring this is left as an exercise for the reader.
Next, we move one step closer to a known partner. Do you know what they like? A high femme push up bra/lace/garters and stocking asthetic? A strappy theme with hints towards bondage? Cute with a lot of loose fits that give glimpses skin that might let one "sneak a peek". Maybe they don't really know either and we are need to experiment.
Now for yourself, since you don't really know how to get there, I'd suggest some exploration. If you know a fun and sexy person that could help recommend some looks based on knowing you, that can be fun. Let's take a few types and explore.
Femme. Given your post, let's think somewhere along baby steps. Try a very low rise boy short or other fuller coverage cut. Try some bolder colors. Would that feel too weird with stockings? How about with a mesh bralette?
Flow. See note about colors above. Also consider a very loose camisole and some bottoms like tap pants that flow in silks or other smooth textures. Think about how this can tease with how the material can gap away from your body.
Bold. We're skipping color and going right back to the safety of black, but consider some things that are mostly straps and rings. Does this make you feel like a domme baddy? Can you lean into it?
You might consider booking a good boudoir session to help you reconnect with seeing your body from another way and trying out some different moods. I did a free 28 day sexy selfie challenge with everyboudie/Belly/Sam this year and it really helped me connect with some things I was working through.
Of course, now that I wrote all that, I want to start a side gig styling up queer folks trying to find this in their lives...
posted by advicepig at 11:02 AM on January 30, 2024 [5 favorites]
Tan lines.
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:08 AM on January 30, 2024
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:08 AM on January 30, 2024
I kind of love advicepig's advice
if you have a "target" in mind, if the person is someone you are currently intimate with, or it's someone you plan to be intimate with, then hopefully the conversation re: 'sexy' will be lots of fun and give you both lots to work with. I'm not sure that 'sexy' is 100% in the brain but every time I identify what I think is sexy, I realize it's a component of how I'm wired and how people in general are wired.
great question, good luck
posted by elkevelvet at 11:08 AM on January 30, 2024
if you have a "target" in mind, if the person is someone you are currently intimate with, or it's someone you plan to be intimate with, then hopefully the conversation re: 'sexy' will be lots of fun and give you both lots to work with. I'm not sure that 'sexy' is 100% in the brain but every time I identify what I think is sexy, I realize it's a component of how I'm wired and how people in general are wired.
great question, good luck
posted by elkevelvet at 11:08 AM on January 30, 2024
To nth a few other posters, confidence is sexy. Find what works for you and most of your partners will go along with it (and if they don't, they're probably best left behind anyway). I have my preferences on various things but as long as my partner is comfortable and confident, I don't really care.
posted by Candleman at 1:31 PM on January 30, 2024
posted by Candleman at 1:31 PM on January 30, 2024
Best answer: I’ve gotten some pretty undergarments from AdoreMe lately and they’ll send you a box of items to try on and keep what you like if that appeals to you. They have a wide range of items and I’ve been happy with the value of the items I’ve gotten so far, plus their return policy works for me.
I think it’s critical to focus on what feels sexy to you. An easy way to to start is by looking at things similar to what you already wear but with different material - what about a lacy or silky boy short? What about a bralette instead of a tank top?
Re: sexy style icons, thinking of women who have rocked short hair and are on the petite side, Natalie Portman, Kristin Stewart and Emma Watson come to mind. They’re all 5’3” - 5’5” and beautiful but not in a leggy busty way.
posted by kat518 at 1:48 PM on January 30, 2024
I think it’s critical to focus on what feels sexy to you. An easy way to to start is by looking at things similar to what you already wear but with different material - what about a lacy or silky boy short? What about a bralette instead of a tank top?
Re: sexy style icons, thinking of women who have rocked short hair and are on the petite side, Natalie Portman, Kristin Stewart and Emma Watson come to mind. They’re all 5’3” - 5’5” and beautiful but not in a leggy busty way.
posted by kat518 at 1:48 PM on January 30, 2024
short pixie haircut
This can certainly be a sexy look, but if you feel like you want to experiment with something different there's always wigs.
posted by yohko at 6:58 PM on January 30, 2024
This can certainly be a sexy look, but if you feel like you want to experiment with something different there's always wigs.
posted by yohko at 6:58 PM on January 30, 2024
Don't forget the sense of touch. Looks aren't everything. Satin has a lovely feel, and lingerie or nightware that clings to your curves and is soft to the touch is very sexy.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2024
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2024
Boy shorts and a tank top is very sexy in my culture (I'm a masculine-leaning women who often dates masculine women.)
I love this comment, needs more cowbell, because from a similar sapphic perspective, a pixie cut slicked back with pomade, slouchy jeans, and nothing on top might be the sexiest look evar.
(Though only that is what you want to go for, OP!)
posted by robot cat at 10:04 AM on February 1, 2024
I love this comment, needs more cowbell, because from a similar sapphic perspective, a pixie cut slicked back with pomade, slouchy jeans, and nothing on top might be the sexiest look evar.
(Though only that is what you want to go for, OP!)
posted by robot cat at 10:04 AM on February 1, 2024
This thread is closed to new comments.
Slavegirl Leia, sexy stewardess, sexy schoolgirl, sexy cheerleader — it doesn’t really matter. Pretend to be someone else (or rather some trope), and get out of your own head to make fun possible. Costumes can be stupidly cheap on eBay (cheap enough to be wreckable), so it’s a minor investment.
The mask allows you to do a lot. As for *how* to cosplay, what’s to know? “My name is unlapsing, and I’m your pilot for today. Is there anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable?”
I wish you silly sexytimes ahead.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:23 PM on January 29, 2024 [2 favorites]