Coping with ADHD related impulsivity where medication is not an option
October 30, 2023 10:37 AM Subscribe
Impulsive spending is the biggest problem currently and it’s causing me serious problems.
I will focus intensely on wanting to have something - usually just it’s framed as One Last Thing before I Get My Shit Together and stop buying stuff I can’t afford. I cannot see the bigger picture in the moment, but I’m so frustrated with myself and feel out of control afterwards. I’m on a pretty low income. My spending feels compulsive as much as it does impulsive and is getting me into debt. I have had addiction problems in the past - I’m three years sober now - and these behaviours do feel familiar on that level.
This currently is the most serious issue and it does feel very relevant to ADHD to me, but my ADHD stuff causes me problems in every area of my life to varying degrees. I was denied a prescription for ADHD meds by the psychiatrist who diagnosed me (for reasons that I think he was wrong about, but a second opinion isn’t an option for me right now). At work I’ve done ADHD coaching, aimed at trying to create systems to help me, which was good of my workplace to pay for, but wasn’t particularly useful if I’m honest.
Budget wise, I have recently signed up for YNAB, am hoping this will be helpful.
I’d be happy to be pointed to ADHD specific resources or resources ADHDers have found useful for coping with similar issues, blogs/podcasts/books about unmedicated ADHD more generally (either by choice or necessity, I know there’s a whole global shortage happening at the moment so it’s a problem many people are dealing with), as well as advice about how to get a handle on my impulsive spending.
I will focus intensely on wanting to have something - usually just it’s framed as One Last Thing before I Get My Shit Together and stop buying stuff I can’t afford. I cannot see the bigger picture in the moment, but I’m so frustrated with myself and feel out of control afterwards. I’m on a pretty low income. My spending feels compulsive as much as it does impulsive and is getting me into debt. I have had addiction problems in the past - I’m three years sober now - and these behaviours do feel familiar on that level.
This currently is the most serious issue and it does feel very relevant to ADHD to me, but my ADHD stuff causes me problems in every area of my life to varying degrees. I was denied a prescription for ADHD meds by the psychiatrist who diagnosed me (for reasons that I think he was wrong about, but a second opinion isn’t an option for me right now). At work I’ve done ADHD coaching, aimed at trying to create systems to help me, which was good of my workplace to pay for, but wasn’t particularly useful if I’m honest.
Budget wise, I have recently signed up for YNAB, am hoping this will be helpful.
I’d be happy to be pointed to ADHD specific resources or resources ADHDers have found useful for coping with similar issues, blogs/podcasts/books about unmedicated ADHD more generally (either by choice or necessity, I know there’s a whole global shortage happening at the moment so it’s a problem many people are dealing with), as well as advice about how to get a handle on my impulsive spending.
1) Remove saved payment information in the online shops you use. You can surf and add item/items to the basket, to scratch the itch, but would need additional steps to complete the purchase. On some websites, like Amazon, you can make lists in your account and add to those, too.
2) Keep your cards with the greatest spending limits at home: if you see a must-have when you're out, you'll need a second trip to buy it.
3) Make Pinterest boards to feed the novelty-seeking need to "acquire" things (it's your brain trying to drum up dopamine). You'll see these would-be purchases as you continue to pin to that board, and the novelty of them will wear away.
4) Re-organize stuff you own (with new storage methods, or by moving items into different areas or into different rooms) to see it from a new perspective.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:42 AM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
2) Keep your cards with the greatest spending limits at home: if you see a must-have when you're out, you'll need a second trip to buy it.
3) Make Pinterest boards to feed the novelty-seeking need to "acquire" things (it's your brain trying to drum up dopamine). You'll see these would-be purchases as you continue to pin to that board, and the novelty of them will wear away.
4) Re-organize stuff you own (with new storage methods, or by moving items into different areas or into different rooms) to see it from a new perspective.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:42 AM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Since you are starting to use YNAB, I can offer a couple of suggestions for using that to help curb the impulse spending:
First, definitely put your credit card as an account in your budget. When I first started ynab, I kept it separate and just paid it like a bill, but it was way to easy to ride the credit card float that way (charging the card then keeping a balance over months to pay it off "later"). When you add the credit card to ynab, it's such a pain to overspend because it forces you to pull money from your other categories to cover the bill. It's annoying enough to discourage impulse purchases some of the time.
Second, I created a "wish farm" in ynab, where every item I want gets its own category, a goal set for the cost of the item, and I have to save up the cost before actually purchasing. It helps build in some time instead of impulsively purchasing, and I instead can obsess over seeing the progress bars grow or adding/deleting/reprioritizing wish list items instead of having the thing itself. If you search for "ynab wish farm," you can find more specifics on that practice.
Tons of other techniques out there, but those are my two ynab-specific practices that really help me!
posted by carlypennylane at 11:50 AM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
First, definitely put your credit card as an account in your budget. When I first started ynab, I kept it separate and just paid it like a bill, but it was way to easy to ride the credit card float that way (charging the card then keeping a balance over months to pay it off "later"). When you add the credit card to ynab, it's such a pain to overspend because it forces you to pull money from your other categories to cover the bill. It's annoying enough to discourage impulse purchases some of the time.
Second, I created a "wish farm" in ynab, where every item I want gets its own category, a goal set for the cost of the item, and I have to save up the cost before actually purchasing. It helps build in some time instead of impulsively purchasing, and I instead can obsess over seeing the progress bars grow or adding/deleting/reprioritizing wish list items instead of having the thing itself. If you search for "ynab wish farm," you can find more specifics on that practice.
Tons of other techniques out there, but those are my two ynab-specific practices that really help me!
posted by carlypennylane at 11:50 AM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: One thing I've noticed over the years is how many items I once desperately wanted have been chilling on my various Amazon wishlists for YEARS, and then get deleted when I clean up the lists pre-Christmas.
If I can get myself to take the slightest pause before I place an impulse order online I can often convince myself to wait a day or two, and later when I come back to my cart I realize my interest has waned. At that point I will either delete it, or add it to my wish list if I kinda still want it.
Lists help me in another way: often the reason I buy a thing is not because I need it right this instant, it's because I know if I don't buy it now I'll forget about it. So in addition to utilizing wishlists and favorites on websites, I also keep a running list on my phone of stuff I want/need from physical stores. The compulsion to buy often dissipates when I know the item is safely on my list so I will remember it later.
Often my impulse spending is because I'm trying to solve some problem in my life. One thing I am trying to do is to require myself to think of at least 3 ways I could solve this issue without spending money, instead of just mindlessly throwing money at it. Often I manage to figure out a way that doesn't cost anything (or maybe costs less) than my first idea.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:49 PM on October 30, 2023 [21 favorites]
If I can get myself to take the slightest pause before I place an impulse order online I can often convince myself to wait a day or two, and later when I come back to my cart I realize my interest has waned. At that point I will either delete it, or add it to my wish list if I kinda still want it.
Lists help me in another way: often the reason I buy a thing is not because I need it right this instant, it's because I know if I don't buy it now I'll forget about it. So in addition to utilizing wishlists and favorites on websites, I also keep a running list on my phone of stuff I want/need from physical stores. The compulsion to buy often dissipates when I know the item is safely on my list so I will remember it later.
Often my impulse spending is because I'm trying to solve some problem in my life. One thing I am trying to do is to require myself to think of at least 3 ways I could solve this issue without spending money, instead of just mindlessly throwing money at it. Often I manage to figure out a way that doesn't cost anything (or maybe costs less) than my first idea.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:49 PM on October 30, 2023 [21 favorites]
I put things I absolutely have to have on a list and consult the list at the end of the month. NOT a list on a website, because then I could click on the item and it would be bought before I thought about it.
Usually, by the end of the month, the compelling and overwhelming obsessive image that was driving me has usually waned. Yes, if I want something near the end of the month, that's a problem, so it has to go on the list for the end of the next month.
I put everything I buy on my credit card but I pay my credit card off at the end of every week, and that also tends to make the point to my brain that I can't buy it all. I don't use a budget because it makes me feel muddled and confused and I start to get obsessive, and I can't have that.
Yes, today, I bought the things that stayed on the list (basic clothing I need for the winter), and didn't make it to November, but I also have the incredibly useful habit of forgiving myself otherwise I would be in despair at my impulsiveness. It's bad enough other people don't understand that for me, impulse is an overriding force; I try to be understanding of it myself. But my system has really worked for me lately.
posted by Peach at 1:11 PM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Usually, by the end of the month, the compelling and overwhelming obsessive image that was driving me has usually waned. Yes, if I want something near the end of the month, that's a problem, so it has to go on the list for the end of the next month.
I put everything I buy on my credit card but I pay my credit card off at the end of every week, and that also tends to make the point to my brain that I can't buy it all. I don't use a budget because it makes me feel muddled and confused and I start to get obsessive, and I can't have that.
Yes, today, I bought the things that stayed on the list (basic clothing I need for the winter), and didn't make it to November, but I also have the incredibly useful habit of forgiving myself otherwise I would be in despair at my impulsiveness. It's bad enough other people don't understand that for me, impulse is an overriding force; I try to be understanding of it myself. But my system has really worked for me lately.
posted by Peach at 1:11 PM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses. To clarify (reading it back it’s not super clear) I do know all these tips and tricks about how to budget, it’s not a case of me not knowing what I should be doing. I’ve done a lot of research about how to go about budgeting and I’ve tried most of the methods listed so far to varying degrees of success depending on where I’m at with managing my ADHD and what else is happening in my life or whatever.
I was intending to ask for advice or resources specifically from an ADHD point of view, especially anything (impulsivity and money related or not) that’s about ADHD minus medication and how to cope with the problems it causes, with background that my biggest ADHD problem right now is impulsive/compulsive overspending.
posted by chives at 1:57 PM on October 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I was intending to ask for advice or resources specifically from an ADHD point of view, especially anything (impulsivity and money related or not) that’s about ADHD minus medication and how to cope with the problems it causes, with background that my biggest ADHD problem right now is impulsive/compulsive overspending.
posted by chives at 1:57 PM on October 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: 12 Ways to Resist Impulse Buying: ADHD Shopping Secrets (ADDitude Mag)
It's almost anything that helps you avoid contemplating the purchase in the first place, or makes it harder to pay for the impulse item in the moment. Blocking certain websites, taking a different route so you're not driving past or walking past ____, ordering groceries online for curbside pickup or delivery so you're not adding things to the cart as you walk around the store, monthly auto-transfers to less-accessible savings accounts, not carrying high-limit cards around... Identify the context of your impulsive/compulsive purchases (place, time of day, frequency, usual type of item, how the transaction is completed), and throw up roadblocks where you can. I have ADHD, and take medication; any impulse purchasing worsens at the end of the day (as the meds wear off), and I've used the tips in my previous answer to ward it off.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:26 PM on October 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
It's almost anything that helps you avoid contemplating the purchase in the first place, or makes it harder to pay for the impulse item in the moment. Blocking certain websites, taking a different route so you're not driving past or walking past ____, ordering groceries online for curbside pickup or delivery so you're not adding things to the cart as you walk around the store, monthly auto-transfers to less-accessible savings accounts, not carrying high-limit cards around... Identify the context of your impulsive/compulsive purchases (place, time of day, frequency, usual type of item, how the transaction is completed), and throw up roadblocks where you can. I have ADHD, and take medication; any impulse purchasing worsens at the end of the day (as the meds wear off), and I've used the tips in my previous answer to ward it off.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:26 PM on October 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Is your psych (or GP) willing to prescribe non stimulants, like wellbutrin or strattera? Both of these help a lot of people with ADHD. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant and a lot of GPs are happy to prescribe it. In terms of non prescription meds, some people find sam-e and/or inositol helpful.
Sleep and exercise are huge for ADHD, do what you can to prioritize and maximize those.
Hard and fast rules and extremes can actually be helpful to us. Can you put yourself on a complete spending fast, and make a rule that you're only allowed to spend $100 on groceries on Sundays, say, and all other purchases only in the company of a trusted friend on a set monthly date?
posted by Salamandrous at 2:34 PM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Sleep and exercise are huge for ADHD, do what you can to prioritize and maximize those.
Hard and fast rules and extremes can actually be helpful to us. Can you put yourself on a complete spending fast, and make a rule that you're only allowed to spend $100 on groceries on Sundays, say, and all other purchases only in the company of a trusted friend on a set monthly date?
posted by Salamandrous at 2:34 PM on October 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I write every day in my journal and one of the things I always write at the end of each entry is “I HAVE ENOUGH.” so that I can remember to say it to myself when I get obsessed with a Necessary Purchase Idea. I didn’t say it in my previous comment but am unmedicated severe ADHD. Routines are my lifeline.Daily ones are the best.
posted by Peach at 3:23 PM on October 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by Peach at 3:23 PM on October 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Just to clarify, my answers above are from an unmedicated ADHD perspective. I will say that nothing I have tried is foolproof, and I still struggle (especially when I am stressed out or depressed.) It's really hard and exhausting fighting with ADHD all the time, and all of my coping skills basically keep me treading water at best, which is better than sinking.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:43 PM on October 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:43 PM on October 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I stress shop too - putting it into wish lists and being very keen on building the perfect wish list system is helpful because I still get the hunting hit of finding the right item but it’s funneled towards a list, not a purchase. Pinterest can be very good for this - making a private board and pinning then rearranging all your items by various criteria works well for that shopping urge.
I also use an app ScreenZen to limit/pause access to shopping apps and sites. It stops me from using them to self soothe and reminds me to do other things like pet a cat, drink tea etc.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
I also use an app ScreenZen to limit/pause access to shopping apps and sites. It stops me from using them to self soothe and reminds me to do other things like pet a cat, drink tea etc.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
I fill my online shopping carts with things but then just don't buy them
If I keep putting the same thing in my cart over and over, then maybe I finally buy it
posted by Jacqueline at 9:19 PM on October 30, 2023
If I keep putting the same thing in my cart over and over, then maybe I finally buy it
posted by Jacqueline at 9:19 PM on October 30, 2023
Best answer: I have ADHD, am unmedicated, and I really struggle with this too. One thing that has helped is automatically forwarding all my rent, bills, savings and grocery money to a different account as soon as I get paid, then I don't carry the card for that account or have those details saved anywhere.
Another thing that helps is periodically trying a 'no buy'. It's a bit like quitting drinking for 30 days: you set yourself a challenge. It helps to have a set of rules, like "I'm allowed to buy replacements of things that run out" or "I can get coffee once a week as a treat". The challenge/gamification aspect speaks to my ADHD-brain, and I get a kick out of ticking no buy days off on my calendar. I also realise over those weeks that actually, life is fine if I don't buy stuff, and it's nice having energy to spend on other things instead of shopping websites. You can get more information in the book The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, or on the r/nobuy subreddit.
This doesn't work all the time but it has helped me a lot while on the waiting list for meds.
posted by guessthis at 6:48 AM on October 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
Another thing that helps is periodically trying a 'no buy'. It's a bit like quitting drinking for 30 days: you set yourself a challenge. It helps to have a set of rules, like "I'm allowed to buy replacements of things that run out" or "I can get coffee once a week as a treat". The challenge/gamification aspect speaks to my ADHD-brain, and I get a kick out of ticking no buy days off on my calendar. I also realise over those weeks that actually, life is fine if I don't buy stuff, and it's nice having energy to spend on other things instead of shopping websites. You can get more information in the book The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, or on the r/nobuy subreddit.
This doesn't work all the time but it has helped me a lot while on the waiting list for meds.
posted by guessthis at 6:48 AM on October 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Weirdly, my impulsive spending got a lot worse when I started medication for ADHD; stimulants give me enough executive function so that when I think “I want that” I am able to immediately go find the thing and buy it.
When I am unmedicated, I will think “I want that” and then start The Process. The Process involves searching for a dozen different iterations of the thing I want, reading reviews on every shopping site, searching the Wirecutter, searching Reddit, searching AskMe. It involves getting thoroughly inundated and overwhelmed with information and options, and usually leads me to dwelling on all the potential things that could be wrong with the product (I tend to hyperfocus much more on negative reviews than positive). It almost always ends with me minimizing a browser window with at least 40 open tabs to “come back to later,” which I may or may not ever do.
I don’t know if consciously trying to get sucked into a similar Process would be considered a good or bad adjustment for you, but it does save me a lot of money on unmedicated days! On the other hand, it also leads me to not buy things I really do need or need quickly. I have used so many items well past their time—or gone totally without—because the prospect of finding a replacement is so overwhelming.
On the flip side, if you think it would be too dangerous to try a shopping-related distraction because you couldn’t help but to buy (totally understandable), total distraction is another really good tool. When you feel the itch to buy a thing, can you redirect to something else that is really immersive? My go-to hyperfixations are usually tv/movies/fandom, or listening to podcasts while playing phone games. But anything that sucks you in and you diverts your attention might work. With ADHD, sometimes focusing too much on the actual problem is counterproductive—if you spend a lot of time thinking about your budget, creating wish lists, etc, your brain might not be able to ever let go of the Stuff It Wants. But if you give it other good Stuff that is free or cheaper, it might happily forget the other stuff existed.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 1:10 PM on October 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
When I am unmedicated, I will think “I want that” and then start The Process. The Process involves searching for a dozen different iterations of the thing I want, reading reviews on every shopping site, searching the Wirecutter, searching Reddit, searching AskMe. It involves getting thoroughly inundated and overwhelmed with information and options, and usually leads me to dwelling on all the potential things that could be wrong with the product (I tend to hyperfocus much more on negative reviews than positive). It almost always ends with me minimizing a browser window with at least 40 open tabs to “come back to later,” which I may or may not ever do.
I don’t know if consciously trying to get sucked into a similar Process would be considered a good or bad adjustment for you, but it does save me a lot of money on unmedicated days! On the other hand, it also leads me to not buy things I really do need or need quickly. I have used so many items well past their time—or gone totally without—because the prospect of finding a replacement is so overwhelming.
On the flip side, if you think it would be too dangerous to try a shopping-related distraction because you couldn’t help but to buy (totally understandable), total distraction is another really good tool. When you feel the itch to buy a thing, can you redirect to something else that is really immersive? My go-to hyperfixations are usually tv/movies/fandom, or listening to podcasts while playing phone games. But anything that sucks you in and you diverts your attention might work. With ADHD, sometimes focusing too much on the actual problem is counterproductive—if you spend a lot of time thinking about your budget, creating wish lists, etc, your brain might not be able to ever let go of the Stuff It Wants. But if you give it other good Stuff that is free or cheaper, it might happily forget the other stuff existed.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 1:10 PM on October 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
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To deal with the impulsivity you can make it harder and more annoying to spend money. Get a new credit card with a new number that you don't know. Don't save it in your phone, don't save it in PayPal or any other payment service. Don't activate the tap on your phone and don't memorize it. Wrap a piece of paper around your credit card like a sleeve and write on it something to remind you of your values - mine said "Can you do without? Can you get it second hand? Can you buy from a small business? Can you buy locally?" and I have to read them all before I'm allowed remove the card from its case.
If it's still not enough, put a limit on your card of a few hundred dollars, and then you have to call the bank to make a larger purchase. Preload and label visas with reasonable monthly spending budgets and only use those for things that you get carried away with. Start carrying cash instead of cards, you'll feel the spending more.
posted by euphoria066 at 11:15 AM on October 30, 2023 [5 favorites]