Popping by
October 25, 2023 7:26 AM Subscribe
I have a friend who very occasionally pops by unannounced. This is entirely outside of my habits, and I’m deciding whether to mention it. Is this a common thing for other people? I have questions for poppers-by.
I’d guess popping-by attitudes are context-dependent, so here’s our context…
- We live in a privately-sited house. We can just make out one other house through a lot of trees, and the street is a long driveway away. The friend’s own house is similar.
- He’s a young 70 and we’re in our 50s. He does have and use a cell phone, including for texting.
- When he’s popped by, it’s been rare – just 2-3 times in the last year or two – and for generous reasons. Once he dropped off a holiday gift. This time, he brought us back something that he’d generously fixed for us. So, he wasn’t just happening to drive by and deciding spur-of-the-moment to pop in – he would have had to know he was heading our way to have these items with him.
I think it’s been apparent that he caught us scrambling each time, but I don’t think he’s taken that to mean he shouldn’t pop by. Even though it’s so rare, and he’s always being kind, I’m embarrassed when I’m not presentable, or when the house isn’t. If you’re someone who pops by, and who doesn’t mind other people popping by…
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
I’d guess popping-by attitudes are context-dependent, so here’s our context…
- We live in a privately-sited house. We can just make out one other house through a lot of trees, and the street is a long driveway away. The friend’s own house is similar.
- He’s a young 70 and we’re in our 50s. He does have and use a cell phone, including for texting.
- When he’s popped by, it’s been rare – just 2-3 times in the last year or two – and for generous reasons. Once he dropped off a holiday gift. This time, he brought us back something that he’d generously fixed for us. So, he wasn’t just happening to drive by and deciding spur-of-the-moment to pop in – he would have had to know he was heading our way to have these items with him.
I think it’s been apparent that he caught us scrambling each time, but I don’t think he’s taken that to mean he shouldn’t pop by. Even though it’s so rare, and he’s always being kind, I’m embarrassed when I’m not presentable, or when the house isn’t. If you’re someone who pops by, and who doesn’t mind other people popping by…
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
"Just dropping by" seems pretty rude to me. A text or phone call would be the minimum I would expect from a visitor.
posted by SPrintF at 7:37 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 7:37 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
If he's only doing it two or three times a year - and them for such benign reasons - that sounds pretty tolerable. If someone's going to turn up unannounced, it's only reasonable that they should take you as they find you.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:41 AM on October 25, 2023 [62 favorites]
posted by Paul Slade at 7:41 AM on October 25, 2023 [62 favorites]
1. Not really but my living room is generally presentable. Bathroom varies (or main floor bathroom is our main bath)
2. What DarlingBri said
3. I live in a neighbourhood where people drop by frequently and I have friends who do occasionally although they usually text from down the street. I do not find this rude and I am extremely glad to live in a place where we interact spontaneously and as a community. This is how we realized we had people on our street during Covid who were without food and needed a hand, etc. my neighbourhood is formerly sort of working class (lower middle class), unpretentious, etc. and I think this plays into it.
4. That said, I’d be fine if asked to text first.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:42 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
2. What DarlingBri said
3. I live in a neighbourhood where people drop by frequently and I have friends who do occasionally although they usually text from down the street. I do not find this rude and I am extremely glad to live in a place where we interact spontaneously and as a community. This is how we realized we had people on our street during Covid who were without food and needed a hand, etc. my neighbourhood is formerly sort of working class (lower middle class), unpretentious, etc. and I think this plays into it.
4. That said, I’d be fine if asked to text first.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:42 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: - hahahaha. no. And the polite guest takes no notice.
- "Oh my goodness! Thank you! You're so sweet!" Various pleasantries at the door. "I've got to go check the soup/dry my hair/jump in the shower, thank you again!" You're inviting this person in? If I'm popping by to drop off something that is yours or a gift...I actually most likely do not want to come in. The art of the hello, exclamations of neighborliness and timely exit can be practiced.
- Sorry, that's just not on. We evolved to survive on the village. A kindly neighbor who does favors is a real boon to your microcosm of society. You can text if you'd like to drop something by...and I encourage you to do so. But the porch-drop is also a thing... but a 70 year old might not be comfortable with that. I'm afraid you just have to suffer this indignity with grace.
posted by amanda at 7:43 AM on October 25, 2023 [21 favorites]
- "Oh my goodness! Thank you! You're so sweet!" Various pleasantries at the door. "I've got to go check the soup/dry my hair/jump in the shower, thank you again!" You're inviting this person in? If I'm popping by to drop off something that is yours or a gift...I actually most likely do not want to come in. The art of the hello, exclamations of neighborliness and timely exit can be practiced.
- Sorry, that's just not on. We evolved to survive on the village. A kindly neighbor who does favors is a real boon to your microcosm of society. You can text if you'd like to drop something by...and I encourage you to do so. But the porch-drop is also a thing... but a 70 year old might not be comfortable with that. I'm afraid you just have to suffer this indignity with grace.
posted by amanda at 7:43 AM on October 25, 2023 [21 favorites]
He is dropping things off, not expecting to come in or even have a chat. It sounds like these visits would have been successful even if you hadn't been home to answer the door. This type of unannounced visit seems fine to me (and I'm a person who gets quite distressed by unexpected visits).
posted by heatherlogan at 7:44 AM on October 25, 2023 [30 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 7:44 AM on October 25, 2023 [30 favorites]
I'm introverted to the point where I try to schedule a full day every week where I won't have to even be perceived, and the specific context of this kind of pop in would not bother me at all.
Bringing me cookies? Doing me favors? Like 3 times a year? I'm not inviting you in or anything but I'll answer the door in whatever state and be gracious for up to 3 minutes chatting on the stoop.
I grew up in a house where we were trained to hit the floor and be completely silent if the doorbell rang. Listened to my mom complain for 10 mins straight about "having" to put a bra on to walk 50 feet down the driveway to check the mail. I thankfully reached adulthood and decided idgaf if my neighbors don't see me at my best. We're neighbors. I can hear you fart in your bathroom in the summer when we all got our windows open, it's fine.
posted by phunniemee at 7:44 AM on October 25, 2023 [17 favorites]
Bringing me cookies? Doing me favors? Like 3 times a year? I'm not inviting you in or anything but I'll answer the door in whatever state and be gracious for up to 3 minutes chatting on the stoop.
I grew up in a house where we were trained to hit the floor and be completely silent if the doorbell rang. Listened to my mom complain for 10 mins straight about "having" to put a bra on to walk 50 feet down the driveway to check the mail. I thankfully reached adulthood and decided idgaf if my neighbors don't see me at my best. We're neighbors. I can hear you fart in your bathroom in the summer when we all got our windows open, it's fine.
posted by phunniemee at 7:44 AM on October 25, 2023 [17 favorites]
I very occasionally pop by and am popped by on, but I live in the city and that's a little different from your situation.
I typically don't invite people in; I'll go and chat with them on my porch, and keep it short - usually it's a friend dropping something off, or stopping because they were passing by. I'm rarely presentable, so I visit in my robe or whatever. My friends do the same.
Usually I text as I'm on my way ("Dropping off that shirt you lent me, no need to step outside!" or "I grabbed you a scone, let me know if you've got a few minutes to catch up.") but sometimes it doesn't work out. In that case I text once I'm gone. If I can see them inside their house, I wave and hold up whatever I'm bringing - I think that's the awkward situation, because if I'm just dropping off I don't particularly want to visit.
That all said, I only do this with people who I have a pretty close relationship with, and who have dropped by before.
posted by punchtothehead at 7:45 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I typically don't invite people in; I'll go and chat with them on my porch, and keep it short - usually it's a friend dropping something off, or stopping because they were passing by. I'm rarely presentable, so I visit in my robe or whatever. My friends do the same.
Usually I text as I'm on my way ("Dropping off that shirt you lent me, no need to step outside!" or "I grabbed you a scone, let me know if you've got a few minutes to catch up.") but sometimes it doesn't work out. In that case I text once I'm gone. If I can see them inside their house, I wave and hold up whatever I'm bringing - I think that's the awkward situation, because if I'm just dropping off I don't particularly want to visit.
That all said, I only do this with people who I have a pretty close relationship with, and who have dropped by before.
posted by punchtothehead at 7:45 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I pop in and am popped in on. Not terribly often. I like it. I live in the center of a small city and I know several neighbors. I'm also around the house a lot. Last time I dropped in on someone, I was literally just out for a ride and saw them in their yard. I did stop and visit, I did not enter their house.
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
People who are familiar enough to pop by are close enough to not care if they see evidence of us being a normal human family with clutter around the house or unwashed dishes in the sink etc. Having high standards for what is "Presentable" is frankly a tool of class oppression, and I encourage us all to unlearn it.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
These are all fine:
"Oh sorry, I'm not really up for guests right now what's up, is there something urgent?"
"Come on in, please excuse the mess"
"Oh hey nice to see you (ignore anything not being "Presentable")
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:56 AM on October 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
People who are familiar enough to pop by are close enough to not care if they see evidence of us being a normal human family with clutter around the house or unwashed dishes in the sink etc. Having high standards for what is "Presentable" is frankly a tool of class oppression, and I encourage us all to unlearn it.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
These are all fine:
"Oh sorry, I'm not really up for guests right now what's up, is there something urgent?"
"Come on in, please excuse the mess"
"Oh hey nice to see you (ignore anything not being "Presentable")
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:56 AM on October 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
I prefer to text rather than drop by unannounced. Other people drop by unannounced on me.
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
I will answer the door in my PJs and talk to my best friend on the doorstep. It's very unusual that I invite them in unless they're clearly distressed or explicitly ask if we can chat.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
N/A
Note that if it were my in-laws popping by, I would make my husband either always answer the door, or tell them that they need to text if they're coming over.
posted by plonkee at 7:59 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
I will answer the door in my PJs and talk to my best friend on the doorstep. It's very unusual that I invite them in unless they're clearly distressed or explicitly ask if we can chat.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
N/A
Note that if it were my in-laws popping by, I would make my husband either always answer the door, or tell them that they need to text if they're coming over.
posted by plonkee at 7:59 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'll open the door in my dressing gown, yes, for both postman and neighbours/friends.
I don't invite people in that just turn up because I have stuff to do...even if that stuff is going back to reading Metafilter.
Getting somebody to always text first may be counter productive...if they pop by you open the door, they probably notice they caught you at a bad time if you're standing there in your PJs...., you thank them profusely and exclaim you have to run and you're done.
If you have an agreement somebody is coming over you probably will have to spend more time with them.
If you'd like to do that as a rule, sure, get them to text. If you would sooner minimise the interruption, let them pop by and get good at ushering them away again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:09 AM on October 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
I don't invite people in that just turn up because I have stuff to do...even if that stuff is going back to reading Metafilter.
Getting somebody to always text first may be counter productive...if they pop by you open the door, they probably notice they caught you at a bad time if you're standing there in your PJs...., you thank them profusely and exclaim you have to run and you're done.
If you have an agreement somebody is coming over you probably will have to spend more time with them.
If you'd like to do that as a rule, sure, get them to text. If you would sooner minimise the interruption, let them pop by and get good at ushering them away again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:09 AM on October 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
good question, my suspicion is that people "pop by" far less frequently since mobile phone/device adoption became ubiquitous in parts of the world
where I grew up, popping by was quite typical (rural context, party line landlines for time period). there is a beauty to community dynamics where people feel they can arrive at your door and either come in for tea/coffee (or not) as the situation warrants. my mom was a nurse, not a full-time homemaker, and presentability of our house wasn't a primary concern. in my experience people just went with the flow. now we can text ahead and this has become the expectation in my current circumstances, to the extent I get annoyed when someone pops by. I do not like that change, I think popping by is generally a good thing. the whole texting/phoning ahead feels like the cure is doing more harm than good in the long run.
posted by elkevelvet at 8:12 AM on October 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
where I grew up, popping by was quite typical (rural context, party line landlines for time period). there is a beauty to community dynamics where people feel they can arrive at your door and either come in for tea/coffee (or not) as the situation warrants. my mom was a nurse, not a full-time homemaker, and presentability of our house wasn't a primary concern. in my experience people just went with the flow. now we can text ahead and this has become the expectation in my current circumstances, to the extent I get annoyed when someone pops by. I do not like that change, I think popping by is generally a good thing. the whole texting/phoning ahead feels like the cure is doing more harm than good in the long run.
posted by elkevelvet at 8:12 AM on October 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
Generally, I do not answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. I'm introverted and anxious and spontaneous interactions aren't really my jam. But I would not automatically turn away someone who popped by, just because they didn't text me first. That doesn't mean that they are getting invited in. I do not mind if that seems rude to the popper-by.
I work from home, and I keep myself and my home generally presentable, but that doesn't mean I'm willing or available. But I don't think I have anyone in my life who would come to my house without letting me know first, in order to make sure I'm actually available. I would be surprised if anyone who has and uses a cell phone blinked twice at being asked to text first.
posted by sm1tten at 8:17 AM on October 25, 2023
I work from home, and I keep myself and my home generally presentable, but that doesn't mean I'm willing or available. But I don't think I have anyone in my life who would come to my house without letting me know first, in order to make sure I'm actually available. I would be surprised if anyone who has and uses a cell phone blinked twice at being asked to text first.
posted by sm1tten at 8:17 AM on October 25, 2023
"Oh, thank you for the generous gift. I would invite you in, but I am in the middle of something. Next time, if you give me a heads up, I will make sure I have the time to chat and visit."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:26 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:26 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
How would you feel being asked to always text first?
You aren't actually asking him to text first (because I imagine a "I'm popping by with a gift in the next 15 minutes" is not going to suffice) - you are asking him to seek approval to bring you a gift item once or twice a year when it is convenient for you. Your request is not actually to text, but to not come by unless you've said it is okay. It's a message that what I am doing right now is not appreciated by you.
And as a person who does random birthday/holiday/baby is born presents (either handed to the person or left on doorstep with a text saying it is there) - if a person starts asking me to seek their approval to bring them a gift as infrequently as once a year, the ball is in their court now to keep the friendship going. You better damn well be prepared to actually reach out and properly invite me over - I am not going to risk getting rejected trying to do kind things for you unless you're clear with your actions that you appreciate them. Life is too short to waste energy like that.
posted by openhearted at 8:37 AM on October 25, 2023 [26 favorites]
You aren't actually asking him to text first (because I imagine a "I'm popping by with a gift in the next 15 minutes" is not going to suffice) - you are asking him to seek approval to bring you a gift item once or twice a year when it is convenient for you. Your request is not actually to text, but to not come by unless you've said it is okay. It's a message that what I am doing right now is not appreciated by you.
And as a person who does random birthday/holiday/baby is born presents (either handed to the person or left on doorstep with a text saying it is there) - if a person starts asking me to seek their approval to bring them a gift as infrequently as once a year, the ball is in their court now to keep the friendship going. You better damn well be prepared to actually reach out and properly invite me over - I am not going to risk getting rejected trying to do kind things for you unless you're clear with your actions that you appreciate them. Life is too short to waste energy like that.
posted by openhearted at 8:37 AM on October 25, 2023 [26 favorites]
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No, but I suppose it depends on one's threshold for "presentable." There might be some times when the kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it because there's stacked up dishes in the sink. That's "unpresentable" in my book, but on the other hand it's really something I should be better about keeping on top of so I can hardly blame someone else for that. I'd feel the same way about boxes of half-eaten pizza, beer bottles and stray clothes strewn about the apartment, but same deal there. Anything that doesn't rise to that level is a home that looks like someone lives in it. If I had "company coming over for a dinner party" I'd make sure the apartment was neat like a hotel lobby, but that goes far beyond "presentable" to me. So, assuming that the kitchen isn't a combat zone, I'm likely to be okay with someone dropping by and might say something to the effect of "pardon the mess" because the place looks lived-in.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
If someone rang the doorbell and I was in a robe, I'd probably call out something like "Hold on & I'll be right with you!" so I could slide on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and put a cap over my hair. Again, if the house is less than fully organized and needs some straightening up, I'm likely to hand-waive that away. In my case it's pretty much impossible for someone to come into the apartment without seeing the kitchen, but if I lived in a house I just wouldn't bring that person into the kitchen and might even say, "I've been doing a big project in the kitchen so it's a complete mess right now; let's hang out in the living room." And, of course, if it's really inconvenient or the place is festooned with glitter and underwear from last night's swinger party, it's always possible to say, "Hey, thanks for stopping by with this lovely plumbus. I just stepped away from a videoconference and I have to get back, so I can't invite you in. But let's get together soon!"
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
If I were a dropper-in, I wouldn't love it. This isn't something that really happens where I live, but I have some friends with an island house on a lake and it's very common for people to drop by unannounced for a short visit. Dropping in can be a cultural, generational and/or local thing.
posted by slkinsey at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
No, but I suppose it depends on one's threshold for "presentable." There might be some times when the kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it because there's stacked up dishes in the sink. That's "unpresentable" in my book, but on the other hand it's really something I should be better about keeping on top of so I can hardly blame someone else for that. I'd feel the same way about boxes of half-eaten pizza, beer bottles and stray clothes strewn about the apartment, but same deal there. Anything that doesn't rise to that level is a home that looks like someone lives in it. If I had "company coming over for a dinner party" I'd make sure the apartment was neat like a hotel lobby, but that goes far beyond "presentable" to me. So, assuming that the kitchen isn't a combat zone, I'm likely to be okay with someone dropping by and might say something to the effect of "pardon the mess" because the place looks lived-in.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
If someone rang the doorbell and I was in a robe, I'd probably call out something like "Hold on & I'll be right with you!" so I could slide on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and put a cap over my hair. Again, if the house is less than fully organized and needs some straightening up, I'm likely to hand-waive that away. In my case it's pretty much impossible for someone to come into the apartment without seeing the kitchen, but if I lived in a house I just wouldn't bring that person into the kitchen and might even say, "I've been doing a big project in the kitchen so it's a complete mess right now; let's hang out in the living room." And, of course, if it's really inconvenient or the place is festooned with glitter and underwear from last night's swinger party, it's always possible to say, "Hey, thanks for stopping by with this lovely plumbus. I just stepped away from a videoconference and I have to get back, so I can't invite you in. But let's get together soon!"
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
If I were a dropper-in, I wouldn't love it. This isn't something that really happens where I live, but I have some friends with an island house on a lake and it's very common for people to drop by unannounced for a short visit. Dropping in can be a cultural, generational and/or local thing.
posted by slkinsey at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
He’s a young 70 and we’re in our 50s. He does have and use a cell phone, including for texting.
My parents (in their 70s) also have cell phones and use them for texting, but they are also very engrained in a culture of popping-by without notice, and having a phone hasn't changed these habits (of themselves or their friends). As a kid, I saw my mom answer the door in her bathrobe countless times. Both my parents are very pro-popping by when it comes to friends, but they also are very comfortable with friends seeing their house in its range of cleanliness and in whatever clothes they happen to have on (robes and PJs included).
Given this happens so rarely I wouldn't confront the neighbor, especially since he's doing your favors (also, given it's so rare, he may forget your request). People have given you good scripts to ensure these pop-ins don't involve viewing your home. If it was a frequent problem, then I think it's fine to politely ask, along the lines of "Hey neighbor, we love that you feel comfortable enough with us to just pop-in, but do you mind texting before you leave so I can make sure I'm properly dressed? Thanks!"
posted by coffeecat at 8:46 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
My parents (in their 70s) also have cell phones and use them for texting, but they are also very engrained in a culture of popping-by without notice, and having a phone hasn't changed these habits (of themselves or their friends). As a kid, I saw my mom answer the door in her bathrobe countless times. Both my parents are very pro-popping by when it comes to friends, but they also are very comfortable with friends seeing their house in its range of cleanliness and in whatever clothes they happen to have on (robes and PJs included).
Given this happens so rarely I wouldn't confront the neighbor, especially since he's doing your favors (also, given it's so rare, he may forget your request). People have given you good scripts to ensure these pop-ins don't involve viewing your home. If it was a frequent problem, then I think it's fine to politely ask, along the lines of "Hey neighbor, we love that you feel comfortable enough with us to just pop-in, but do you mind texting before you leave so I can make sure I'm properly dressed? Thanks!"
posted by coffeecat at 8:46 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
We have a neighbor who occasionally (about 2-3 times/year) pops by with a gift of fruit from her tree.
She doesn't expect or want me to invite her in, and I don't make excuses for not doing so. I thank her profusely each time and am grateful for such a nice human interaction. It wouldn't cross my mind to be angry about it or tell her to text first. It's not like I'm naked.
Every so often I do the same thing, ring the bell of a neighbor on the street for some casual reason including offering them fruit, and if they told me to text first I would avoid them forever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:47 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
She doesn't expect or want me to invite her in, and I don't make excuses for not doing so. I thank her profusely each time and am grateful for such a nice human interaction. It wouldn't cross my mind to be angry about it or tell her to text first. It's not like I'm naked.
Every so often I do the same thing, ring the bell of a neighbor on the street for some casual reason including offering them fruit, and if they told me to text first I would avoid them forever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:47 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm not a popper-by but I do more or less keep my place in a state where someone who popped by could see it. (I'm a renter--there's always a chance that some emergency brings my landlord into my unit, after all.) My at-home gear is usually in the vein of "athleisure" so it's minimally acceptable for public view.
That said, I'm a weirdo who loves hosting; if you drop by my house you'll probably get invited in and offered a coffee or soda, and whatever I happen to have baked lately. Will there probably be some coffee mugs on my work desk and the day's mail in the hallway? Of course, I live here! But I don't mind people knowing I'm a human being with a job who uses dishes.
But that's my style, it doesn't have to be yours!
Guests who don't give notice they're coming by will generally not expect a full-on hosted experience (unless they're dicks, which I think you'd have mentioned)! They certainly wouldn't expect the house to gleam from top to bottom. Guests who don't give notice also cannot expect an immediate door-answer! It is entirely polite to yell "JUST A MINUTE" and go put on clothes you feel acceptable in. And unannounced guests cannot expect a full inside invite. A chat on the porch is entirely okay.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:50 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
That said, I'm a weirdo who loves hosting; if you drop by my house you'll probably get invited in and offered a coffee or soda, and whatever I happen to have baked lately. Will there probably be some coffee mugs on my work desk and the day's mail in the hallway? Of course, I live here! But I don't mind people knowing I'm a human being with a job who uses dishes.
But that's my style, it doesn't have to be yours!
Guests who don't give notice they're coming by will generally not expect a full-on hosted experience (unless they're dicks, which I think you'd have mentioned)! They certainly wouldn't expect the house to gleam from top to bottom. Guests who don't give notice also cannot expect an immediate door-answer! It is entirely polite to yell "JUST A MINUTE" and go put on clothes you feel acceptable in. And unannounced guests cannot expect a full inside invite. A chat on the porch is entirely okay.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:50 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Even though it’s so rare, and he’s always being kind, I’m embarrassed when I’m not presentable, or when the house isn’t.
I think that's the crux of it, really. It sounds like you genuinely recognize and appreciate his kindness, so maybe you're thinking, he's so kind to do this thing, the least I could do is be presentable for it.
But really, if someone drops by for a moment, they do so with the understanding that you might be in a bathrobe or making dinner or in the middle of something. They already accept that you're not in host mode, so you're off the hook for any sort of expectation. There's no need to feel embarrassed.
It's kind of lovely, by the way, to have neighbors who sincerely like you and accept you, bathrobe and all. And it's also lovely to invite them in and make them feel wholly welcome in a place where there's a vortex of laundry and groceries on the counter, too.
posted by mochapickle at 8:51 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think that's the crux of it, really. It sounds like you genuinely recognize and appreciate his kindness, so maybe you're thinking, he's so kind to do this thing, the least I could do is be presentable for it.
But really, if someone drops by for a moment, they do so with the understanding that you might be in a bathrobe or making dinner or in the middle of something. They already accept that you're not in host mode, so you're off the hook for any sort of expectation. There's no need to feel embarrassed.
It's kind of lovely, by the way, to have neighbors who sincerely like you and accept you, bathrobe and all. And it's also lovely to invite them in and make them feel wholly welcome in a place where there's a vortex of laundry and groceries on the counter, too.
posted by mochapickle at 8:51 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
Okay, I guess it's up to me to provide counterpoint. I hate a drop-by!
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
- Absolutely not. Don't pop by. Assume I'm taking a dump and go the fuck away. I could be in the shower. I could be getting it on in full porn regalia. I could be snorting drugs. I could be napping. I absolutely won't ever be writing something, but I could be. So go away. GTF off the porch. The doorbell is for UPS/USPS and expected guests. Do not ring the doorbell. Don't even look at the doorbell.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
- Nobody is expected to pop by because everyone is to assume I'm taking a dump. If they defy expectations and pop by, they need to unthefuckpop with a quickness and go somewhere that is not by.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
- Super, super weird, since I would never show up unnanounced in the first place and would always wait for a confirmation that it's a fine time to come drop off the loaned item/present/beautifully repaired formerly broken item because if not expressly told otherwise, I expect that the poor person is taking a dump.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:59 AM on October 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
- Absolutely not. Don't pop by. Assume I'm taking a dump and go the fuck away. I could be in the shower. I could be getting it on in full porn regalia. I could be snorting drugs. I could be napping. I absolutely won't ever be writing something, but I could be. So go away. GTF off the porch. The doorbell is for UPS/USPS and expected guests. Do not ring the doorbell. Don't even look at the doorbell.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
- Nobody is expected to pop by because everyone is to assume I'm taking a dump. If they defy expectations and pop by, they need to unthefuckpop with a quickness and go somewhere that is not by.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
- Super, super weird, since I would never show up unnanounced in the first place and would always wait for a confirmation that it's a fine time to come drop off the loaned item/present/beautifully repaired formerly broken item because if not expressly told otherwise, I expect that the poor person is taking a dump.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:59 AM on October 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
(But if somebody was 100 years of age, or 70, I'd make accommodations for their no-tech-having raising and not reveal the above house rules.) (He sounds really sweet, and I'd probably roll with it as everybody's suggested.)
posted by Don Pepino at 9:00 AM on October 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:00 AM on October 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
We moved from a city apartment to a rural house on the edge of a village. We hardly ever had anyone call at our apartment unannounced, but it does happen at the house.
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable...
Yes...
...just in case someone pops by?
...but that's not the reason why.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
I don't own a robe and the house is rarely that in need of cleaning that anyone would care
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
Very weird.
But to answer the spirit of the questions rather than the letter: I don't find it strange, unsettling, or awkward when neighbours pop by to drop something off, pass on a message, tell us about an event, etc. Most of them I wouldn't invite in on those occasions, and it doesn't seem like that's the expectation. I'd only invite people in if I wanted to. It's your house, it's up to you!
posted by fabius at 9:29 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable...
Yes...
...just in case someone pops by?
...but that's not the reason why.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
I don't own a robe and the house is rarely that in need of cleaning that anyone would care
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
Very weird.
But to answer the spirit of the questions rather than the letter: I don't find it strange, unsettling, or awkward when neighbours pop by to drop something off, pass on a message, tell us about an event, etc. Most of them I wouldn't invite in on those occasions, and it doesn't seem like that's the expectation. I'd only invite people in if I wanted to. It's your house, it's up to you!
posted by fabius at 9:29 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I live in a neighborhood where people do come by to drop things off sometimes. The social expectation where I live is that if you come over without asking, someone may or may not be home. If they’re home, they’ll probably (but not definitely) come out on to the porch for a minute or five, but probably not ask you inside. Personally I don’t find it intrusive - I just don’t answer the door if I am, for example, upstairs and in the middle of sometimes. Occasionally I answer the door and indicate that I’m on the phone, say “thanks!” and wave at the person dropping off.
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No. I throw on a sweatshirt or don’t answer the door if needed. I very rarely invite someone in if they show up spontaneously, but I also don’t really care if people see my house messy - not inviting them in is just bc I’m usually busy / haven’t arranged time to visit
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
Answered above I think.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
I guess that would be fine, but I might not be able to give much notice. For example, when i have things to return, I keep them in my car and might decide to drop them off when I have 10 min between errands. Or I might realize it’s a good time for me to run down the street to drop something off. But, if someone said - “hey, I am not a fan of spontaneous visitors, if you drop things off can you just leave them and text me instead of ringing the doorbell?” - that would be understandable and totally fine.
posted by maleficent at 9:32 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No. I throw on a sweatshirt or don’t answer the door if needed. I very rarely invite someone in if they show up spontaneously, but I also don’t really care if people see my house messy - not inviting them in is just bc I’m usually busy / haven’t arranged time to visit
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
Answered above I think.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
I guess that would be fine, but I might not be able to give much notice. For example, when i have things to return, I keep them in my car and might decide to drop them off when I have 10 min between errands. Or I might realize it’s a good time for me to run down the street to drop something off. But, if someone said - “hey, I am not a fan of spontaneous visitors, if you drop things off can you just leave them and text me instead of ringing the doorbell?” - that would be understandable and totally fine.
posted by maleficent at 9:32 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day
I'm not a robe wearer but have sometimes thought about becoming one - not the bathrobe kind but the dressing gown kind, where you can throw them on them over pajamas or whatever ratty clothes or unbra-ed state you don't feel comfortable presenting, like an indoor trenchcoat. That seems the best reason for their continued existence, to me, and I've been casually hosted that way by people from older generations. Not as good a solution in hot weather, though.
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by
I don't but it's kind of my goal to get to the point where I can let people in on short/zero notice. That doesn't mean perfection or anything, just somewhere within a vaguely normal range of messiness (I am often far outside of that range). "Vaguely normal" is also dependent on circumstances imo - a place with kids, especially young ones, is generally going to be messier.
I think historically, this was partly why some people had parlors used only for guests and empty the rest of the time, while the messy family hangouts occurred in other rooms. Although thinking about it, people I knew with parlors growing up also did the more casual drop-in kind of socializing in the kitchen.
I also want to get to the point where I always have some light refreshment on hand to offer (like tea and biscuits or whatever). At some point I started realizing that most of the with-it people in my area seem to do that, while it was never on my mind at all.
posted by trig at 9:34 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm not a robe wearer but have sometimes thought about becoming one - not the bathrobe kind but the dressing gown kind, where you can throw them on them over pajamas or whatever ratty clothes or unbra-ed state you don't feel comfortable presenting, like an indoor trenchcoat. That seems the best reason for their continued existence, to me, and I've been casually hosted that way by people from older generations. Not as good a solution in hot weather, though.
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by
I don't but it's kind of my goal to get to the point where I can let people in on short/zero notice. That doesn't mean perfection or anything, just somewhere within a vaguely normal range of messiness (I am often far outside of that range). "Vaguely normal" is also dependent on circumstances imo - a place with kids, especially young ones, is generally going to be messier.
I think historically, this was partly why some people had parlors used only for guests and empty the rest of the time, while the messy family hangouts occurred in other rooms. Although thinking about it, people I knew with parlors growing up also did the more casual drop-in kind of socializing in the kitchen.
I also want to get to the point where I always have some light refreshment on hand to offer (like tea and biscuits or whatever). At some point I started realizing that most of the with-it people in my area seem to do that, while it was never on my mind at all.
posted by trig at 9:34 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Argh! I hate unexpected drop-bys.
I had a friend who used to do it regularly - until I told him that if he kept turning up and knocking on my window without prior warning, he was eventually going to see me naked, because in Summer I was often naked at home.
He was a very modest person who liked other people to be modest, so this instantly ended the un-warned drop bys.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:05 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I had a friend who used to do it regularly - until I told him that if he kept turning up and knocking on my window without prior warning, he was eventually going to see me naked, because in Summer I was often naked at home.
He was a very modest person who liked other people to be modest, so this instantly ended the un-warned drop bys.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:05 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
When I read your above to fold I guessed that this was an older person.
That is to say, this is generational. Older folks are used to drop ins, in part, because they’re not used to mobile phone life. My mom, of the same generation does in fact keep her home and herself ready to entertain guests at any moment. That’s just what they were taught.
Most of my adult life I haven’t answered the unexpected doorbell because I’ve lived in secure buildings and a surprise knock usually meant someone had skirted security.
I don’t live in a secure building now, but my family agrees we don’t answer the door unless it’s expected. We all work from home so we’re mostly presentable during work hours, but no. Call (text, etc) first. Emergencies dealt with as they come.
posted by Ookseer at 10:26 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
That is to say, this is generational. Older folks are used to drop ins, in part, because they’re not used to mobile phone life. My mom, of the same generation does in fact keep her home and herself ready to entertain guests at any moment. That’s just what they were taught.
Most of my adult life I haven’t answered the unexpected doorbell because I’ve lived in secure buildings and a surprise knock usually meant someone had skirted security.
I don’t live in a secure building now, but my family agrees we don’t answer the door unless it’s expected. We all work from home so we’re mostly presentable during work hours, but no. Call (text, etc) first. Emergencies dealt with as they come.
posted by Ookseer at 10:26 AM on October 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
I grew up in a small town where popping by was totally normal, but it was also understood that people might not answer the door if they were "indisposed." It was very bad manners to keep knocking/ringing/hanging out on the porch even if you "knew they were in there."
Now, in general, I keep my front hallway in good enough shape to answer the door, and I might answer with wet hair, in a robe, barefoot etc., but I would also feel free not to. If I did answer and couldn't ask the person in, I'd have no qualms about saying so.
I text or call ahead myself, unless there are very exceptional circumstances, so it would be weird to be told to always text. I suspect your neighbour might be hurt by that, so unless you want to end the overall friendliness, I'd just roll with it.
posted by rpfields at 11:06 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Now, in general, I keep my front hallway in good enough shape to answer the door, and I might answer with wet hair, in a robe, barefoot etc., but I would also feel free not to. If I did answer and couldn't ask the person in, I'd have no qualms about saying so.
I text or call ahead myself, unless there are very exceptional circumstances, so it would be weird to be told to always text. I suspect your neighbour might be hurt by that, so unless you want to end the overall friendliness, I'd just roll with it.
posted by rpfields at 11:06 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I just don’t answer if I don’t feel like it. Problem solved.
posted by HotToddy at 11:12 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 11:12 AM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Keeping ourselves and the house presentable just in case someone pops by is ... aspirational at best in the Kouti household, ahahaha. But in the context you've described (somebody stopping by to drop off a present a couple of times a year), our usual experience with that is we step out onto the porch and socialize for a couple of minutes to thank them for the kindness, and then get back to our respective days. Short and sweet, just throw on a sweater or similar that's always hanging on the coat rack by the door. Nothing extended.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 11:16 AM on October 25, 2023
posted by Pandora Kouti at 11:16 AM on October 25, 2023
For me dropping by is entirely dependent on the friends in question. One qualification is that they're perfectly comfortable saying "sorry, busy now" and they need to be comfortable with me saying the same.
A British friend wanted to take it a step further and have it be okay to open the door and walk in. I explained that I spend a lot of my time naked and the topic was dropped.
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by
God no. These are people who *know* me.
How would you feel being asked to always text first?
Absolutely fine. People have different preferences and there's no reason not to accommodate them.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2023
A British friend wanted to take it a step further and have it be okay to open the door and walk in. I explained that I spend a lot of my time naked and the topic was dropped.
Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by
God no. These are people who *know* me.
How would you feel being asked to always text first?
Absolutely fine. People have different preferences and there's no reason not to accommodate them.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2023
I am an occasional popper - only with people I am extremely close to, and know I am always welcome. This means that if one of those people asked me to always text first, I would be hurt - it would mean we weren't as close as I thought we were - I am not always welcome.
But the point is that my closeness is to the point where I'm not exactly 'company'. So the house can be messy, or people can be over - I'm not expecting to come over, exactly, just expecting that my presence at the door will be a pleasant surprise. Sometimes there will be time to visit, sometimes there won't - that I don't know.
Similarly, there are some people I don't mind popping by and others I do. But it's about closeness. The close ones can see my messy house - the others I have to clean for and need notice.
posted by corb at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2023
But the point is that my closeness is to the point where I'm not exactly 'company'. So the house can be messy, or people can be over - I'm not expecting to come over, exactly, just expecting that my presence at the door will be a pleasant surprise. Sometimes there will be time to visit, sometimes there won't - that I don't know.
Similarly, there are some people I don't mind popping by and others I do. But it's about closeness. The close ones can see my messy house - the others I have to clean for and need notice.
posted by corb at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2023
Dropping by to give me something? that is a whole different thing than dropping by for a cup of tea.
You need a script for the rare occasions this happens: "Wow, thank you so much! I can't invite you in today, but let's make plans soon. Can I get you some water/coffee/etc for the road?"
My anecdote that seems to go against the "yes text me first" advice: I have a friend who will text me about an hour before they drop something off. It sends me into a panic because now I've had warning to get dressed/clean/etc. I can't tell you how many times I've had a text like that and not replied and hid out when they came. But the times they've "popped over" unannounced? It all happens from the door and it's totally fine.
posted by haplesschild at 12:52 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
You need a script for the rare occasions this happens: "Wow, thank you so much! I can't invite you in today, but let's make plans soon. Can I get you some water/coffee/etc for the road?"
My anecdote that seems to go against the "yes text me first" advice: I have a friend who will text me about an hour before they drop something off. It sends me into a panic because now I've had warning to get dressed/clean/etc. I can't tell you how many times I've had a text like that and not replied and hid out when they came. But the times they've "popped over" unannounced? It all happens from the door and it's totally fine.
posted by haplesschild at 12:52 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I am never "presentable" and large portions of my house are not as well often.
But, IDGAF.
It's our house, and if you drop by, well, that's on you.
I do think it's a bit of a generational thing. I can't imagine just dropping by, though I do do it to our neighbor every saturday when the CSA arrives, to give her excess veg. Always feel like I am intruding, even if I'm being nice.
posted by Windopaene at 1:02 PM on October 25, 2023
But, IDGAF.
It's our house, and if you drop by, well, that's on you.
I do think it's a bit of a generational thing. I can't imagine just dropping by, though I do do it to our neighbor every saturday when the CSA arrives, to give her excess veg. Always feel like I am intruding, even if I'm being nice.
posted by Windopaene at 1:02 PM on October 25, 2023
Just to drop something off, no problem (although advance warning is preferred).
But it's definitely cultural (and age-related). Used to be dropping by unannounced and hanging out with friends was so common in my teens and early 20s; but maybe not so much, with kids these days?
If you're into exploring the cultural let me recommend Clyde Edgerton's first novel, Raney. She's half of a newlywed couple in North Carolina, working things out. Her more casual Southern folks think nothing of dropping by, which is in conflict with his more reserved, urban sensibilities.
posted by Rash at 2:12 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
But it's definitely cultural (and age-related). Used to be dropping by unannounced and hanging out with friends was so common in my teens and early 20s; but maybe not so much, with kids these days?
If you're into exploring the cultural let me recommend Clyde Edgerton's first novel, Raney. She's half of a newlywed couple in North Carolina, working things out. Her more casual Southern folks think nothing of dropping by, which is in conflict with his more reserved, urban sensibilities.
posted by Rash at 2:12 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Nth-ing both that this is generational and that he doesn't need to come inside the house, you can greet him and chat with him on your porch/in your driveway. My parents are 70+ suburbanites and this is their lifestyle!
posted by capricorn at 2:44 PM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 2:44 PM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
And see my parents are 70 year old suburbanites and they're the ones who taught me to hide when the doorbell rang. This is completely personality driven, I don't think it's generational at all.
posted by phunniemee at 3:01 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 3:01 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I pop by in the exact way you're describing, and I do it because I actively *do not want* to be asked inside or have to visit for long! Friends aren't prepared for me, so usually I get to do my gift and go, I love a drop off.
I actually really dislike receiving advanced notice for people dropping by though, because it activates my desire to clean up or get presentable, and I'll spend whatever interval they gave me fussing around and not getting anything else done and keeping an eye out for them.
Also, despite my feeling that my house should be utterly spotless before someone else casts their gaze upon it, I'm not judgy about messy houses and I don't think most people are either.
If someone asked me to always get permission before I drop by, I wouldn't be hurt or really mind or anything, but I can almost guarantee you're not getting treats anymore because they're usually quite a spontaneous generosity!
posted by euphoria066 at 3:18 PM on October 25, 2023
I actually really dislike receiving advanced notice for people dropping by though, because it activates my desire to clean up or get presentable, and I'll spend whatever interval they gave me fussing around and not getting anything else done and keeping an eye out for them.
Also, despite my feeling that my house should be utterly spotless before someone else casts their gaze upon it, I'm not judgy about messy houses and I don't think most people are either.
If someone asked me to always get permission before I drop by, I wouldn't be hurt or really mind or anything, but I can almost guarantee you're not getting treats anymore because they're usually quite a spontaneous generosity!
posted by euphoria066 at 3:18 PM on October 25, 2023
If they're popping by unannounced, then they should be expecting that you may not have the time or inclination to entertain guests. In your shoes I'd say that thanking them for whatever they've gifted you with an optional short chat from the doorway is the most they should expect from you. If you do more, that's fine, but that's up to you, and it's very okay to mention being in the middle of something to cut a conversation short if you need to.
If you're just absolutely not in sorts to even receive a guest at the doorway (even without inviting them in), not answering the door is fine. Maybe give them a call/text later mentioning that you think you might've heard their knock, but were otherwise occupied with something that you couldn't step away from, if you want to keep up the friendship. This has the added benefit of allowing you to schedule a visit on your terms.
I feel like requiring a call or text before they come over for a visit like this, especially for someone in their 70s and if it's at a rate of only a few times a year, is overkill and likely counterproductive.
posted by Aleyn at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you're just absolutely not in sorts to even receive a guest at the doorway (even without inviting them in), not answering the door is fine. Maybe give them a call/text later mentioning that you think you might've heard their knock, but were otherwise occupied with something that you couldn't step away from, if you want to keep up the friendship. This has the added benefit of allowing you to schedule a visit on your terms.
I feel like requiring a call or text before they come over for a visit like this, especially for someone in their 70s and if it's at a rate of only a few times a year, is overkill and likely counterproductive.
posted by Aleyn at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
He’s in his 70s, so say 10 years old in the year 1960. Assuming a generic middle America norm of that time, the ideal was homemakers who kept everything spick and span and had the time and energy to engage with members of the community who they knew already from church or whatever. Even today lots of people have formal living or dining rooms that they don’t use that often, preferring the breakfast table or a den.
So it’s totally normal for him to drop by, but also fine for you to have a frank talk about it - not at a time when he’s just brought a gift though! I am 54 and pretty introverted so I generally feel put off ANY time the doorbell rings, but I am also (ask my wife) not very spontaneous. If my best friend showed up by magic from Australia with no warning , my first reaction would be ehhhh …. I already ordered a small pizza and rented a streaming video.
I would say talk to him and set some boundaries based on your preference , but also think about how nice it is that someone thinks of you spontaneously while they are out and about and decides to drop by! So many people are lonely and don’t have that these days.
posted by caviar2d2 at 4:19 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
So it’s totally normal for him to drop by, but also fine for you to have a frank talk about it - not at a time when he’s just brought a gift though! I am 54 and pretty introverted so I generally feel put off ANY time the doorbell rings, but I am also (ask my wife) not very spontaneous. If my best friend showed up by magic from Australia with no warning , my first reaction would be ehhhh …. I already ordered a small pizza and rented a streaming video.
I would say talk to him and set some boundaries based on your preference , but also think about how nice it is that someone thinks of you spontaneously while they are out and about and decides to drop by! So many people are lonely and don’t have that these days.
posted by caviar2d2 at 4:19 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Might be an age thing. My dad is 78 and a popper-by. As I recall it was pretty common back in my 70s childhood (aka "his day") for friends and neighbors to just stop in unannounced. Of course, this was back when many households had a stay-at-home wife who kept at least the common areas presentable in case of company. I remember my grandmother used to always keep a Pepperidge Farm coconut cake in the freezer "for company" (meaning the unexpected variety.)
It hasn't been considered good manners for a while now, though. I seem to remember occasionally stopping by people's houses in the early eighties but it seems like it started being widely considered rude by the mid-to-late eighties.
I wouldn't dream of doing it now, and if anyone knocks on my door unexpectedly I quietly look out the peephole but I never open the door. My place is generally some kind of wreck and there's a good chance I'm still in my nightgown and unshowered at 6:32 in the evening (heh), plus I need time to emotionally prepare myself for social interaction, so there's no way I'm just inviting anyone in on the spur of the moment. I need one of those welcome mats that says "Go Away".
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:32 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
It hasn't been considered good manners for a while now, though. I seem to remember occasionally stopping by people's houses in the early eighties but it seems like it started being widely considered rude by the mid-to-late eighties.
I wouldn't dream of doing it now, and if anyone knocks on my door unexpectedly I quietly look out the peephole but I never open the door. My place is generally some kind of wreck and there's a good chance I'm still in my nightgown and unshowered at 6:32 in the evening (heh), plus I need time to emotionally prepare myself for social interaction, so there's no way I'm just inviting anyone in on the spur of the moment. I need one of those welcome mats that says "Go Away".
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:32 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Interesting takes for sure. I'm in my mid/late 30s, and it honestly would depend.
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No. However, I live in an apartment community that isn't publicly accessible, and I can't hear knocks (Deaf) so always arrange everything beforehand via text/IM.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
See above. However, if I was living in a house and popper-by's were more common, I'd probably try to keep everything clean as I can, or just apologize for the mess.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
I'd understand and respect that. Different preferences and all.
Growing up, we didn't really have popper-by's, other than deliverymen or religious people trying to persuade us to join their religion. Everything was always planned. However, my grandma, who lived next door, often popped by/we popped by at hers and it was never really an issue.
I personally wouldn't mind the occasional pop-by, the spontaneous nature of it would keep things interesting, but if it became annoying or intrusive, I'd set some ground rules (or invite them to drop whatever gift or thing off at my front door and text me if I was busy and couldn't come out). Sometimes I watch old TV shows which show how social people were back then in the 40s-60s. Definitely not the same today.
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 6:18 PM on October 25, 2023
- Do you always keep yourself and your house presentable just in case someone pops by?
No. However, I live in an apartment community that isn't publicly accessible, and I can't hear knocks (Deaf) so always arrange everything beforehand via text/IM.
- If not, and you’re in your robe in the middle of the day, or your house needs cleaning, what’s expected when someone pops by?
See above. However, if I was living in a house and popper-by's were more common, I'd probably try to keep everything clean as I can, or just apologize for the mess.
- How would you feel being asked to always text first?
I'd understand and respect that. Different preferences and all.
Growing up, we didn't really have popper-by's, other than deliverymen or religious people trying to persuade us to join their religion. Everything was always planned. However, my grandma, who lived next door, often popped by/we popped by at hers and it was never really an issue.
I personally wouldn't mind the occasional pop-by, the spontaneous nature of it would keep things interesting, but if it became annoying or intrusive, I'd set some ground rules (or invite them to drop whatever gift or thing off at my front door and text me if I was busy and couldn't come out). Sometimes I watch old TV shows which show how social people were back then in the 40s-60s. Definitely not the same today.
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 6:18 PM on October 25, 2023
Paradoxically I LOVE when people pop by but I am almost never presentable, nor is my house. Haha!
In most cases I don’t pop by without a text, mostly because I don’t own a car so if I’m hoping to chat I don’t want to walk all the way. I’m also super busy with work so usually like to arrange plans formally. Or drop something at the door without even saying hi!
The only exception is my landlady and a few other neighbors on our tiny street. She/we drop in all the time - she’s 84 and loves drop ins and we like to check on her! And always end up going in for tea or a G&T or something.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 5:07 AM on October 26, 2023
In most cases I don’t pop by without a text, mostly because I don’t own a car so if I’m hoping to chat I don’t want to walk all the way. I’m also super busy with work so usually like to arrange plans formally. Or drop something at the door without even saying hi!
The only exception is my landlady and a few other neighbors on our tiny street. She/we drop in all the time - she’s 84 and loves drop ins and we like to check on her! And always end up going in for tea or a G&T or something.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 5:07 AM on October 26, 2023
There is a good chance that when he was a young man the cultural norm where he grew up was for people to open the back door, enter the kitchen and call out to see if anyone is home. If something needed refrigerating and you weren't home an unexpected neighbour with food would put it in the fridge for you. Not only would he feel comfortable barging in, but people in that neighborhood would leave the back door unlocked specifically so that the neighbors could get in if they wanted to. Even delivery men who had never been to that house before would do that. A milk delivery man late on his run would actually put it in the fridge or the icebox for you if he thought you had gone for the day.
This was common right through the eighties in some neighborhoods.
Since this is a nice guy you consider a friend and since he is older and since you believe he is merely being casual and friendly, not stalking you or pushing boundaries and intentionally intruding, I'd simply cut him some slack and appreciate his kindness. However because he doesn't text or call, that gives you the right not to answer the door if you don't feel up to it. It is completely your right to hunch down and pretend not to be home if you are sick in bed, or in the shower, or in the middle of doing a tricky bit of pipe soldering under the kitchen sink. You can also hunch down if you are overloaded right now and Just Can't Deal With Anything. He will know that he is running a chance of you not being home, or you being engaging in conjugal relations, so is not likely to stand there ringing and ringing and ringing. He might ring twice in case you were doing something noisy and didn't hear the first ring.
You're not wrong if you are flustered and annoyed by this, but that doesn't mean you need to be annoyed at him.
Keep in mind that texting may be tricky for him if he is visually impaired due to his age.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:35 AM on October 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
This was common right through the eighties in some neighborhoods.
Since this is a nice guy you consider a friend and since he is older and since you believe he is merely being casual and friendly, not stalking you or pushing boundaries and intentionally intruding, I'd simply cut him some slack and appreciate his kindness. However because he doesn't text or call, that gives you the right not to answer the door if you don't feel up to it. It is completely your right to hunch down and pretend not to be home if you are sick in bed, or in the shower, or in the middle of doing a tricky bit of pipe soldering under the kitchen sink. You can also hunch down if you are overloaded right now and Just Can't Deal With Anything. He will know that he is running a chance of you not being home, or you being engaging in conjugal relations, so is not likely to stand there ringing and ringing and ringing. He might ring twice in case you were doing something noisy and didn't hear the first ring.
You're not wrong if you are flustered and annoyed by this, but that doesn't mean you need to be annoyed at him.
Keep in mind that texting may be tricky for him if he is visually impaired due to his age.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:35 AM on October 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's perfectly reasonable for you to not answer the doorbell at all when people pop by unexpectedly. That's what I generally do. You can explain later that you were in a Zoom meeting/in the shower/taking a nap.
Your friend is doing nothing wrong, and there's no reason to be annoyed at him! *You* are pressuring yourself to open the door and invite him inside all by yourself. You can stop! You are not obligated to do those things. :)
posted by MiraK at 7:46 AM on October 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your friend is doing nothing wrong, and there's no reason to be annoyed at him! *You* are pressuring yourself to open the door and invite him inside all by yourself. You can stop! You are not obligated to do those things. :)
posted by MiraK at 7:46 AM on October 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, this has been super enlightening -- thank you everybody. I thought there would be two factions, but instead, almost everybody agrees. (Tho Don Pepino, your nearly-lone dissent keeps making me laugh: "If they defy expectations and pop by, they need to unthefuckpop with a quickness and go somewhere that is not by.")
I marked a couple of best answers, but overall it was the consistency of the chorus that was hugely helpful in teaching me a few surprising things...
- I have a lot more shame about being seen in my robe than most people do. In thinking through this, it's not modesty -- if it was 6am and I was caught in my robe, I wouldn't be that embarrassed. It's that I feel like I'm wrong and bad to be in my robe in the middle of the day, so getting caught is embarrassing.
- I have a lot more shame about the state of my house than most people do. Maybe some of you have house cleaners and others of you are just better at keeping things clean so that the dishes in the sink or the clutter that many of you mentioned are as bad as things get. Sometimes I don't clean things unless I know someone will see it, and it's worse than just a little lived-in mess, and again, that feels like being wrong and bad, so it's embarrassing.
- It's fine not to ask him in. Wow! I definitely felt rude accepting a gift or item my friend helped me with without asking him in for tea and conversation. Great to know that most of you agree that's 100% fine. Unfortunately, the door is glass, there are windows next to it, and all that looks and opens into my kitchen. And it's a small house with windows along the front walkway that look into the main room where I normally am. So there's no way to avoid my friend from seeing me and at least some of the mess, but at least we don't have to walk right through it.
- A few of you mentioned my being angry. I'd say I was embarrassed, not really angry. But that possible interpretation makes it even clearer why I should just deal with it rather than bringing it up with him. I can re-focus on valuing the connection and community that leads to popping in being a possibility, instead.
Thanks again, everyone!
posted by daisyace at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
I marked a couple of best answers, but overall it was the consistency of the chorus that was hugely helpful in teaching me a few surprising things...
- I have a lot more shame about being seen in my robe than most people do. In thinking through this, it's not modesty -- if it was 6am and I was caught in my robe, I wouldn't be that embarrassed. It's that I feel like I'm wrong and bad to be in my robe in the middle of the day, so getting caught is embarrassing.
- I have a lot more shame about the state of my house than most people do. Maybe some of you have house cleaners and others of you are just better at keeping things clean so that the dishes in the sink or the clutter that many of you mentioned are as bad as things get. Sometimes I don't clean things unless I know someone will see it, and it's worse than just a little lived-in mess, and again, that feels like being wrong and bad, so it's embarrassing.
- It's fine not to ask him in. Wow! I definitely felt rude accepting a gift or item my friend helped me with without asking him in for tea and conversation. Great to know that most of you agree that's 100% fine. Unfortunately, the door is glass, there are windows next to it, and all that looks and opens into my kitchen. And it's a small house with windows along the front walkway that look into the main room where I normally am. So there's no way to avoid my friend from seeing me and at least some of the mess, but at least we don't have to walk right through it.
- A few of you mentioned my being angry. I'd say I was embarrassed, not really angry. But that possible interpretation makes it even clearer why I should just deal with it rather than bringing it up with him. I can re-focus on valuing the connection and community that leads to popping in being a possibility, instead.
Thanks again, everyone!
posted by daisyace at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
LOL. I don't even like when people call me on the phone without texting me first!
posted by srboisvert at 1:10 PM on October 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 1:10 PM on October 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
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-- "I'm so glad you've popped by, sorry I can't invite you in right now."
-- This person is dropping gifts or favours to you. Asking to text first so that someone can do you a favour is rude.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:31 AM on October 25, 2023 [26 favorites]