How to feel good about the little things when they make me feel nothing?
October 15, 2023 8:46 AM
Every therapist, every self-help book, and every self-help website says to embrace the "little things" to feel better and improve my self-esteem, but the "little things" make me feel nothing, and nobody seems to understand that.
I am a failure. I have failed in education, work, careers, friendship, family, health, etc. This makes me feel suicidal, but whenever I express this, I am told the solution is to find the "joy" in the little things. However, the "little things" don't make me feel anything, making me feel even more broken.
Exercise - this has NEVER made me feel anything positive. I have never experienced the "happy hormones" exercise should give me. Exercise is another life chore, that's it.
Self-Affirmations - if I repeat that I am kind, helpful, compassionate, and empathetic, this should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Even though I have never denied these affirmations, they change nothing of my true essence: failure. Being a kind failure instead of a regular failure isn't much of a self-esteem boost.
Helping Others - I help others all the time. I donate hundreds of dollars a month to charities worldwide. I am always the first to stop for cars broken down. I have volunteered to deliver food to food banks. None of this helping others makes me feel better. I do them because helping others is the right thing to do. I had this exact conversation with my current therapist. On the drive to her office, I saw a homeless man with a sign asking for food. After leaving the appointment, I returned and bought the man some lunch. My therapist asked me, "Why did you do this if it doesn't make you feel better?" and I replied that to me, it was a very black-and-white situation: the man was hungry, I had the means to feed him, so I fed him because it is the right thing to do. This changes nothing about my failure essence; I am still a failure. I don't experience happy hormones or emotions from helping others because it is entirely separate from how I feel.
Random Little Things - seeing a sunset, a beautiful flower, a nice walk, etc., will not affect how I feel. Some people seem to feel instantly better if some little pleasant thing occurs, like a fantastic cup of coffee, but none affect how I feel. A lovely sunset or cup of coffee changes nothing of my failure essence.
None of the "little things" seem to generate in me the same happy emotions as in everyone else. I can exercise, help others, and repeat positive self-affirmations, but at the end of the day, I am still a failure.
Only those things that make me feel less like a failure make me feel anything positive. Having a family that loves me makes me feel less like a failure. Having friends who like me and want to spend time with me makes me feel less like a failure. Having a career I don't hate and do well at makes me feel less like a failure. Being attractive looking makes me feel less like a failure. Achieving awards, accolades, or positive recognition makes me feel less like a failure.
However, since all of these require external validation that I have no control over and are unlikely ever to occur--I'll never have a family that loves me or friends that like me, I'll always be unattractive, I'll never have a career, and I have only minimal and questionable achievements of any kind--I need to accept being a failure while finding joy in the "little things."
How do I do this?
I am a failure. I have failed in education, work, careers, friendship, family, health, etc. This makes me feel suicidal, but whenever I express this, I am told the solution is to find the "joy" in the little things. However, the "little things" don't make me feel anything, making me feel even more broken.
Exercise - this has NEVER made me feel anything positive. I have never experienced the "happy hormones" exercise should give me. Exercise is another life chore, that's it.
Self-Affirmations - if I repeat that I am kind, helpful, compassionate, and empathetic, this should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Even though I have never denied these affirmations, they change nothing of my true essence: failure. Being a kind failure instead of a regular failure isn't much of a self-esteem boost.
Helping Others - I help others all the time. I donate hundreds of dollars a month to charities worldwide. I am always the first to stop for cars broken down. I have volunteered to deliver food to food banks. None of this helping others makes me feel better. I do them because helping others is the right thing to do. I had this exact conversation with my current therapist. On the drive to her office, I saw a homeless man with a sign asking for food. After leaving the appointment, I returned and bought the man some lunch. My therapist asked me, "Why did you do this if it doesn't make you feel better?" and I replied that to me, it was a very black-and-white situation: the man was hungry, I had the means to feed him, so I fed him because it is the right thing to do. This changes nothing about my failure essence; I am still a failure. I don't experience happy hormones or emotions from helping others because it is entirely separate from how I feel.
Random Little Things - seeing a sunset, a beautiful flower, a nice walk, etc., will not affect how I feel. Some people seem to feel instantly better if some little pleasant thing occurs, like a fantastic cup of coffee, but none affect how I feel. A lovely sunset or cup of coffee changes nothing of my failure essence.
None of the "little things" seem to generate in me the same happy emotions as in everyone else. I can exercise, help others, and repeat positive self-affirmations, but at the end of the day, I am still a failure.
Only those things that make me feel less like a failure make me feel anything positive. Having a family that loves me makes me feel less like a failure. Having friends who like me and want to spend time with me makes me feel less like a failure. Having a career I don't hate and do well at makes me feel less like a failure. Being attractive looking makes me feel less like a failure. Achieving awards, accolades, or positive recognition makes me feel less like a failure.
However, since all of these require external validation that I have no control over and are unlikely ever to occur--I'll never have a family that loves me or friends that like me, I'll always be unattractive, I'll never have a career, and I have only minimal and questionable achievements of any kind--I need to accept being a failure while finding joy in the "little things."
How do I do this?
I don't know if you've tried CBT but this seems like a very clear use case for it - you've defined the set of things that make you feel like you aren't a failure so narrowly. When I read your story about feeding the homeless man, for instance, there's a very obvious moment where you could say to yourself, "wow, I'm in a position to feed someone who's hungry! I'm definitely not a failure." But you didn't. If every single thing you personally do in life is defined, by virtue of your being able to do it, as just an obligation that any functional human being obviously does, it's going to be hard for you to stop seeing yourself as a failure.
I'd also encourage you to keep trying different kinds of exercise. It took me until my late thirties to find a sort of exercise I actually like. But now my two hours of class are some of the best of my week.
posted by potrzebie at 8:54 AM on October 15, 2023
I'd also encourage you to keep trying different kinds of exercise. It took me until my late thirties to find a sort of exercise I actually like. But now my two hours of class are some of the best of my week.
posted by potrzebie at 8:54 AM on October 15, 2023
It sounds to me like to need medication. Finding the right medication will take time and will have false starts. If you don't have Seritonin at home store bought is great!
posted by Uncle at 8:55 AM on October 15, 2023
posted by Uncle at 8:55 AM on October 15, 2023
It sounds like feeling like a failure is preventing you from feeling joy. I don't know why you think you're a failure, but what I can say is: I used to feel like a failure as well, because by objective standards I have "failed" at a lot of things. However, after doing psychedelics, I was able to see that it wasn't my fault. The conditions I grew up in were in many ways the exact opposite of the conditions I needed to thrive*. I see this pattern in other people who consider themselves or who society considers failures, so I would examine that more closely.
I would say, though, that you're not a failure because most people who don't feel good helping others don't do it. Even your therapist couldn't understand why you help people when it doesn't make you feel good - helping people when you get no joy out of it because it's the right thing to do is so the opposite of being a failure. That doesn't mean you're a success by common societal standards, of course, and I get the feeling that's how you're defining it. It's important to create your own standards.
*This may not be easy to see at first. I couldn't, for a long time. I had a childhood a lot of kids would envy: attentive parents, extracurricular activities, good friends. That doesn't change the fact that I needed a lot of things I didn't get, or that a lot of things happened that would quite reasonably make it hard to succeed. I noticed in your post history that you're also autistic, so I am willing to bet this is the case for you as well. The world is not set up for autistic people to succeed. Survival is a form of success here.
posted by wheatlets at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2023
I would say, though, that you're not a failure because most people who don't feel good helping others don't do it. Even your therapist couldn't understand why you help people when it doesn't make you feel good - helping people when you get no joy out of it because it's the right thing to do is so the opposite of being a failure. That doesn't mean you're a success by common societal standards, of course, and I get the feeling that's how you're defining it. It's important to create your own standards.
*This may not be easy to see at first. I couldn't, for a long time. I had a childhood a lot of kids would envy: attentive parents, extracurricular activities, good friends. That doesn't change the fact that I needed a lot of things I didn't get, or that a lot of things happened that would quite reasonably make it hard to succeed. I noticed in your post history that you're also autistic, so I am willing to bet this is the case for you as well. The world is not set up for autistic people to succeed. Survival is a form of success here.
posted by wheatlets at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2023
Change your metrics.
You say there are things that make you feel successful- success in your job, love from family and friends etc. What if you were “successful” because you helped someone out. What if success was showing love to your family and friends? I don’t know what happened that you feel like you failed in education, friendships, health, etc but what if success was reading a book or learning something new?
For what it’s worth I enjoy lots of little things, but they don’t necessarily make me feel better. I enjoy a sunset, but that doesn’t make me actually feel less sad. The pressure to cobble together enough little moments of pleasure to somehow breakthrough depression doesn’t work for me
posted by raccoon409 at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2023
You say there are things that make you feel successful- success in your job, love from family and friends etc. What if you were “successful” because you helped someone out. What if success was showing love to your family and friends? I don’t know what happened that you feel like you failed in education, friendships, health, etc but what if success was reading a book or learning something new?
For what it’s worth I enjoy lots of little things, but they don’t necessarily make me feel better. I enjoy a sunset, but that doesn’t make me actually feel less sad. The pressure to cobble together enough little moments of pleasure to somehow breakthrough depression doesn’t work for me
posted by raccoon409 at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2023
Medication is a classic Metafilter Response for these sorts of things, and it's because it's basically right: the right antidepressant can make it a lot easier to conjure these sorts of warm-fuzzy feelings from small things. They aren't necessarily going to fix your overall dissatisfaction with your life but for in-the-moment stuff they often actually work.
Another option is that you might sometimes have these emotions but not recognize them very well. This is a real thing! And, on preview, if autism is in the mix, you'll see under "associated conditions" that it's not uncommon in autism.
The things that are stereotypical "little things" that are very popular (sunsets, rainbows, puppies) may just not be your little things. You might need to go on a bit of a quest to work out what those are for you. You might need to find the smallest, tiniest signal that something is making you feel less bad and pursue it. Maybe it feels like satisfaction, or some related feeling, rather than pure warm-fuzzies. It may not feel like "joy" or anything close to it, and that's okay.
It could be that your feelings of failure are blocking you from doing that at all; you may need to find some way to decouple that a little bit, even if you're not going to let go of that sense of yourself.
posted by BungaDunga at 9:33 AM on October 15, 2023
Another option is that you might sometimes have these emotions but not recognize them very well. This is a real thing! And, on preview, if autism is in the mix, you'll see under "associated conditions" that it's not uncommon in autism.
The things that are stereotypical "little things" that are very popular (sunsets, rainbows, puppies) may just not be your little things. You might need to go on a bit of a quest to work out what those are for you. You might need to find the smallest, tiniest signal that something is making you feel less bad and pursue it. Maybe it feels like satisfaction, or some related feeling, rather than pure warm-fuzzies. It may not feel like "joy" or anything close to it, and that's okay.
It could be that your feelings of failure are blocking you from doing that at all; you may need to find some way to decouple that a little bit, even if you're not going to let go of that sense of yourself.
posted by BungaDunga at 9:33 AM on October 15, 2023
For what it’s worth, gratitude journaling never did anything for me and sometimes made me feel worse, because the things I was thankful for were so puny. If you’ve tried a piece of advice and it’s not working, it’s okay to stop and try something else.
Something that helped me was making a concerted effort to be nice to myself. I stop and reframe if I say something mean about myself (self-compassion). I also tried a bunch of different things to feel in-this-moment good, often physical care stuff, sometimes media. They weren’t all my thing, but it turns out that I like candle lit baths and pedicures. Find some small things that you can do every day and some larger things you can do weekly or monthly. These are not rewards, these are basic person-maintenance just like exercise.
And yes, I also take antidepressants and they were particularly helpful in giving me a boost out of nothing feeling good or worthwhile so that the other stuff I was doing could work.
posted by momus_window at 9:37 AM on October 15, 2023
Something that helped me was making a concerted effort to be nice to myself. I stop and reframe if I say something mean about myself (self-compassion). I also tried a bunch of different things to feel in-this-moment good, often physical care stuff, sometimes media. They weren’t all my thing, but it turns out that I like candle lit baths and pedicures. Find some small things that you can do every day and some larger things you can do weekly or monthly. These are not rewards, these are basic person-maintenance just like exercise.
And yes, I also take antidepressants and they were particularly helpful in giving me a boost out of nothing feeling good or worthwhile so that the other stuff I was doing could work.
posted by momus_window at 9:37 AM on October 15, 2023
Hey there.
I'm concerned about your repeated use of the word failure. When you're dealing with depression, it's so easy to slip into a negative loop of self talk, and your post has 15 instances of the word fail or failure. If you keep telling yourself this, if you keep repeating this internal narrative, your brain starts to accept it as truth. Just like if a person you spend a lot of time with keeps telling you you're a failure, eventually you'll start to believe it. (You're not a failure. I promise.)
It's a hard question for Ask Metafilter because we're not qualified to give you specific medical or mental health advice. But if you can, you might mention this thread and this pattern of negative self-talk to your therapist and ask for tools to address that. Curbing negative self-talk may ultimately help make other therapies and approaches more effective.
posted by mochapickle at 9:56 AM on October 15, 2023
I'm concerned about your repeated use of the word failure. When you're dealing with depression, it's so easy to slip into a negative loop of self talk, and your post has 15 instances of the word fail or failure. If you keep telling yourself this, if you keep repeating this internal narrative, your brain starts to accept it as truth. Just like if a person you spend a lot of time with keeps telling you you're a failure, eventually you'll start to believe it. (You're not a failure. I promise.)
It's a hard question for Ask Metafilter because we're not qualified to give you specific medical or mental health advice. But if you can, you might mention this thread and this pattern of negative self-talk to your therapist and ask for tools to address that. Curbing negative self-talk may ultimately help make other therapies and approaches more effective.
posted by mochapickle at 9:56 AM on October 15, 2023
Another thought.
You want to be the sort of person who buys a homeless person lunch, I think. That seems like the sort of person you are, since you did it. You fulfilled your own ideals in that moment. That's a success. It can be really really really hard to recognize your own success when it "feels easy." But, genuinely, it can be very good if you can find a way to do so. "Hey, I lived up to my own ideals just then. I'm glad I was able to do that, that the circumstances aligned so I could, and that I did." You don't have to get all warm-fuzzy-sentimental about it, but it might do some good to try to feel a tiny bit of satisfaction that things worked out.
"Hey, that thing I did worked out" is a tiny thing, obviously. It's not going to immediately change how you feel very much. But it's better than nothing.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:00 AM on October 15, 2023
You want to be the sort of person who buys a homeless person lunch, I think. That seems like the sort of person you are, since you did it. You fulfilled your own ideals in that moment. That's a success. It can be really really really hard to recognize your own success when it "feels easy." But, genuinely, it can be very good if you can find a way to do so. "Hey, I lived up to my own ideals just then. I'm glad I was able to do that, that the circumstances aligned so I could, and that I did." You don't have to get all warm-fuzzy-sentimental about it, but it might do some good to try to feel a tiny bit of satisfaction that things worked out.
"Hey, that thing I did worked out" is a tiny thing, obviously. It's not going to immediately change how you feel very much. But it's better than nothing.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:00 AM on October 15, 2023
Do you have poor interoception & alexithymia?
I do, and I find the resulting inability to know what I'm feeling complicates dealing with any attempt to feel better.
Making an effort to connect with my body, noticing and valuing the things that feel good (a warm bath, petting an animal, the scent of rain) helps me a lot. Forget about what's *supposed* to feel good.
Self affirmations are useless. Noting negative self talk, and countering it with realistic (not positive) reality check helps me more. "I might fail at x, but I might not, and even if I do, I'll find a way to cope".
CBT is notoriously bad for neurodivergent people because practitioners don't know how to apply it without gaslighting you.
This does sound like anhedonia. Medication might help.
posted by Zumbador at 10:06 AM on October 15, 2023
I do, and I find the resulting inability to know what I'm feeling complicates dealing with any attempt to feel better.
Making an effort to connect with my body, noticing and valuing the things that feel good (a warm bath, petting an animal, the scent of rain) helps me a lot. Forget about what's *supposed* to feel good.
Self affirmations are useless. Noting negative self talk, and countering it with realistic (not positive) reality check helps me more. "I might fail at x, but I might not, and even if I do, I'll find a way to cope".
CBT is notoriously bad for neurodivergent people because practitioners don't know how to apply it without gaslighting you.
This does sound like anhedonia. Medication might help.
posted by Zumbador at 10:06 AM on October 15, 2023
Sometimes the little things are a distraction from the big things. It's difficult to mindfully enjoy a perfect cup of jasmine tea if your house is on fire. You haven’t said why you're a failure in education, work, family, friends, health, etc., but no amount of attention to the little things will help if all the big things are desperately off course. Pick one of those areas of life -- the one you might have the most control over, maybe education or work -- and work with a therapist to become successful (by your own metric and values) at it.
posted by shadygrove at 10:16 AM on October 15, 2023
posted by shadygrove at 10:16 AM on October 15, 2023
I don't really have a complete or comprehensive answer for you but I have experienced something similar. For me it was deep-seated feelings of worthlessness. There was the part of myself that I showed to the world, where I would consciously "act as if" I deserved to be there, but any good actions I took didn't change what felt like a fundamental truth about me. CBT techniques weren't helpful to me, and DBT was actually harmful. What has helped is looking at the problem through the lens of CPTSD with a trauma-informed therapist. I recommend checking out Pete Walker's book to see if anything resonates. Good luck- we are all rooting for you!
posted by anyone_really at 10:24 AM on October 15, 2023
posted by anyone_really at 10:24 AM on October 15, 2023
Depression Lies. Depression tells you that the good things you do, the support you get from others, your actual successes, don't matter. Depression tells you the glass is half full and the water is contaminated, too. The truth is that you are a human person with some successes and some failures. You've tried some things that didn't work out as expected, but you lead a life of compassion, integrity. You almost certainly have education, work and personal successes that you are unable to see. We are here to live our lives lives and you clearly put in effort to lead a pretty good life.
A therapist who gives feelgood advice when you are severely depressed may be out of their depth. Generic talk therapy is really helpful to a lot of people a lot of the time. I think you may need a therapist with more expertise. For severe depression, anti-depressant medication can be a huge help. Medication can help promptly, or may take weeks to effect improvement. It can take real effort to find the right meds, but it's worth it.
You do not mention thoughts of self-harm. Please talk to your therapist and if you think about self-harm, go to the ER. We need you here. You deserve to have a good life, happiness, joy, ordinary days. Depression is a terrible thief that sucks everything good from you, but please be persistent with getting good treatment.
If you can, get some exercise, ideally in nature and sunshine, get good nutrition, take vitamin D and get plenty of B12. Reach out to friends and family for help and support. Do this while you seek more effective treatment; these are things that help a little, and you need treatment that helps a lot. You may not actively feel good about the beautiful sunset or that music or art or whatever, but keep trying, even a little solace helps. Know anybody with a friendly dog? That can help.
I have some links in my profile to things that have helped some people sometimes. Come back and tell us how things are going.
posted by theora55 at 10:36 AM on October 15, 2023
A therapist who gives feelgood advice when you are severely depressed may be out of their depth. Generic talk therapy is really helpful to a lot of people a lot of the time. I think you may need a therapist with more expertise. For severe depression, anti-depressant medication can be a huge help. Medication can help promptly, or may take weeks to effect improvement. It can take real effort to find the right meds, but it's worth it.
You do not mention thoughts of self-harm. Please talk to your therapist and if you think about self-harm, go to the ER. We need you here. You deserve to have a good life, happiness, joy, ordinary days. Depression is a terrible thief that sucks everything good from you, but please be persistent with getting good treatment.
If you can, get some exercise, ideally in nature and sunshine, get good nutrition, take vitamin D and get plenty of B12. Reach out to friends and family for help and support. Do this while you seek more effective treatment; these are things that help a little, and you need treatment that helps a lot. You may not actively feel good about the beautiful sunset or that music or art or whatever, but keep trying, even a little solace helps. Know anybody with a friendly dog? That can help.
I have some links in my profile to things that have helped some people sometimes. Come back and tell us how things are going.
posted by theora55 at 10:36 AM on October 15, 2023
I had a period of life where I could totally relate to this. It really is building a scaffolding and slowly patching it together.
One thing is - we get sold what a good life is, and it’s full of these status based achievements. Most of us live quiet lives. Like… really quiet lives. Accepting that and not feeling pressure to be exceptional really helped.
And also practicing gratitude for just being here to have a shot at life. It will be over so so soon and then I’ll have to say goodbye to everything I’ve built, however small. So when I feel bad I go outside and touch the earth and just say thank you to be here. Who / what am I thanking? Doesn’t matter. Just thank you for the opportunity to be here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:50 AM on October 15, 2023
One thing is - we get sold what a good life is, and it’s full of these status based achievements. Most of us live quiet lives. Like… really quiet lives. Accepting that and not feeling pressure to be exceptional really helped.
And also practicing gratitude for just being here to have a shot at life. It will be over so so soon and then I’ll have to say goodbye to everything I’ve built, however small. So when I feel bad I go outside and touch the earth and just say thank you to be here. Who / what am I thanking? Doesn’t matter. Just thank you for the opportunity to be here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:50 AM on October 15, 2023
You listed a lot of things that don't make you happy, and a lot of things that contribute to you not feeling like a failure. But you didn't list anything that makes you feel good.
Do you know anything that makes you feel good, physically or emotionally, that is a thing to do/taste/feel/smell/see that you can experience regularly on your own?
If not, I think that's what I would try next - try out things and see how they make you feel, in your body.
As an example, when I was recovering from PTSD I would go to shops, especially thrift shops, and feel different clothing. I wasn't buying it, I was just feeling and looking at the colours and the way light played over the clothes. Over time, I learned what fabrics I like. At that time, esp since I was paying for therapy, I couldn't put that into practice but it's made my thrifting so much better. Before, because I had a hard time staying grounded in my body* I would buy clothes that I didn't like the feel of or the look of, but couldn't figure it out until I had already paid for them and worn them.
I would recommend you spend 2-5 minutes a day just trying to feel things. Sticky, warm, rough, soft, makes your breathing go faster, makes your breathing go slower, makes your stomach churn, warms your stomach. Just that.
* I also wanted to share that for me, when I was too anxious and flashbacky and well, just dissociated, from life, one way I maintained that detachment was to continually assess things on a weird scale, including success.
It was a form of self-talk or inner narrative that was designed to distance me from being present. Because if you are continually assessing whether something makes you "successful" or "good" what you are not doing is feeling it. You're up in your head, fairly literally.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:05 AM on October 15, 2023
Do you know anything that makes you feel good, physically or emotionally, that is a thing to do/taste/feel/smell/see that you can experience regularly on your own?
If not, I think that's what I would try next - try out things and see how they make you feel, in your body.
As an example, when I was recovering from PTSD I would go to shops, especially thrift shops, and feel different clothing. I wasn't buying it, I was just feeling and looking at the colours and the way light played over the clothes. Over time, I learned what fabrics I like. At that time, esp since I was paying for therapy, I couldn't put that into practice but it's made my thrifting so much better. Before, because I had a hard time staying grounded in my body* I would buy clothes that I didn't like the feel of or the look of, but couldn't figure it out until I had already paid for them and worn them.
I would recommend you spend 2-5 minutes a day just trying to feel things. Sticky, warm, rough, soft, makes your breathing go faster, makes your breathing go slower, makes your stomach churn, warms your stomach. Just that.
* I also wanted to share that for me, when I was too anxious and flashbacky and well, just dissociated, from life, one way I maintained that detachment was to continually assess things on a weird scale, including success.
It was a form of self-talk or inner narrative that was designed to distance me from being present. Because if you are continually assessing whether something makes you "successful" or "good" what you are not doing is feeling it. You're up in your head, fairly literally.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:05 AM on October 15, 2023
I went to therapy for suicide prevention. I was asked to create a list of things that used to make me feel good, these were little things (sit outside, watch a show, coffee, etc). I was told to do the things, without any expectation that they would actually make me feel better. The idea was to distract me from feeling worse. It helped.
I did that, medication, CBT, art therapy, new hobbies, rTMS and now I’m feeling better. It is not easy and it takes a long time. If you have something to live for (and you have a family that wants you around), keep going and try everything.
posted by shock muppet at 11:19 AM on October 15, 2023
I did that, medication, CBT, art therapy, new hobbies, rTMS and now I’m feeling better. It is not easy and it takes a long time. If you have something to live for (and you have a family that wants you around), keep going and try everything.
posted by shock muppet at 11:19 AM on October 15, 2023
Wow, I could have written this post. What helps me is just accepting my life is a failure and finding enjoyment outside of my life. Ie, I read, watch movies, and play video games to get into some other role, some other life. Yeah, it would be great to be healthy, to be loved, to contribute to society. But not all of us are destined for that.
Some to Misery are Born
Every Morn and every Night
Some are Born to sweet delight
Some are Born to sweet delight
Some are Born to Endless Night
--- Auguries of Innocence, William Blake
posted by SPrintF at 11:40 AM on October 15, 2023
Some to Misery are Born
Every Morn and every Night
Some are Born to sweet delight
Some are Born to sweet delight
Some are Born to Endless Night
--- Auguries of Innocence, William Blake
posted by SPrintF at 11:40 AM on October 15, 2023
I've experienced this type of anhedonia many times in the past and I am sure I will experience it again. I have failed to meet my career goals, have no close or significant friendships, a tiny and rapidly diminishing family, no partner, no children, and no pets. But sometimes, when I am not experiencing clinical depression, I can enjoy things. Like, right now I am recovering from a devastating flood of my apartment, recent cancer surgery, and months of having my excruciating cancer pain ignored by every doctor I met with--but...
I can still enjoy things because I am not clinically depressed--just low energy/demotivated for very normal and understandable reasons. When depressed I am always thinking long term and catastrophically--I will never/always feel/be something horrible and deserve it. When not depressed I can quite easily laugh at a funny movie or enjoy reading a good book and take pleasure in spotting and counting wild animals while on my walks. It's much easier, when I'm not in the grips of depression, to focus on the immediate, currently enjoyable experiences of my life rather than zooming out on the whole picture of my existence in totality. It helps that I have a ton of interests and hobbies. Painting, writing, listening to podcasts, studying films, books, and art, pop culture, knitting, crochet, cooking, politics, history, coloring, sewing, etc. etc. etc. I get a lot of satisfaction out of processes rather than outcomes. I like painting but will usually throw it out when I am finished--the finished object is nothing but another opportunity to criticize myself, and I got everything out of it I wanted by painting it in the first place.
How do I do this? Well, I've done a ton of CBT and mindfulness training for anxiety and other issues, but it really only gets me so far. The main problem for me is that I can only be disciplined about skills when surface tension isn't the only thing keeping my glass from spilling over. Too many stressors where I have little control over the source or duration overwhelm any of the skills I have. Pandemic times under Trump, for instance. In such cases I usually turn to medication and therapy if it's at all possible. For shorter term stressors--like the looming surgery and flood I dealt with over the last few months--I just grit my teeth and hang in there, giving myself a date when seeking out medication/therapy will be acceptable if things don't resolve after the stressors are removed.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 12:19 PM on October 15, 2023
I can still enjoy things because I am not clinically depressed--just low energy/demotivated for very normal and understandable reasons. When depressed I am always thinking long term and catastrophically--I will never/always feel/be something horrible and deserve it. When not depressed I can quite easily laugh at a funny movie or enjoy reading a good book and take pleasure in spotting and counting wild animals while on my walks. It's much easier, when I'm not in the grips of depression, to focus on the immediate, currently enjoyable experiences of my life rather than zooming out on the whole picture of my existence in totality. It helps that I have a ton of interests and hobbies. Painting, writing, listening to podcasts, studying films, books, and art, pop culture, knitting, crochet, cooking, politics, history, coloring, sewing, etc. etc. etc. I get a lot of satisfaction out of processes rather than outcomes. I like painting but will usually throw it out when I am finished--the finished object is nothing but another opportunity to criticize myself, and I got everything out of it I wanted by painting it in the first place.
How do I do this? Well, I've done a ton of CBT and mindfulness training for anxiety and other issues, but it really only gets me so far. The main problem for me is that I can only be disciplined about skills when surface tension isn't the only thing keeping my glass from spilling over. Too many stressors where I have little control over the source or duration overwhelm any of the skills I have. Pandemic times under Trump, for instance. In such cases I usually turn to medication and therapy if it's at all possible. For shorter term stressors--like the looming surgery and flood I dealt with over the last few months--I just grit my teeth and hang in there, giving myself a date when seeking out medication/therapy will be acceptable if things don't resolve after the stressors are removed.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 12:19 PM on October 15, 2023
Okay so I am going to tell you that "feel joy in the little things" advice is bullshit for many people who are severely depressed (like me!). It's not that it's bad advice, it's that it's good advice for people who are mild-to-moderately depressed, which you are not.
What you need to do is not look for things that 'make you feel happy' (often impossible!) but for things that either make you feel less bad, or things that can occupy time such that you don't notice the bad things while you are doing them.
My own personal life hack here is to think of the most addictive thing that doesn't actually harm you, and do it when you're actively feeling your worst. So: did you know there's a free version of Magic the Gathering, online and on your phone? What about 'binge-worthy' television shows? I suggest kind of the CW-type, soap operas with a million characters that get you invested.
These both also offer ways to get you some of the things that make you feel positive: you will win (at least some) games online, then feel good about winning. If you get involved in a fandom, you will eventually achieve some friends, even if they're internet fandom friends. I know you might be like "these aren't REAL successes" but semi quasi successes often work at 1/10 the dopamine of a 'real' success and are 1000 times easier to achieve.
It also works as a good life hack to get yourself to do something. "I'll fold the laundry after I win my next game" means that once you get there and are riding the high of succeeding, you can get the next task done, which makes you feel better about yourself overall.
Just remember - not-as-bad may not be Good, but it's still helpful for you.
posted by corb at 12:39 PM on October 15, 2023
What you need to do is not look for things that 'make you feel happy' (often impossible!) but for things that either make you feel less bad, or things that can occupy time such that you don't notice the bad things while you are doing them.
My own personal life hack here is to think of the most addictive thing that doesn't actually harm you, and do it when you're actively feeling your worst. So: did you know there's a free version of Magic the Gathering, online and on your phone? What about 'binge-worthy' television shows? I suggest kind of the CW-type, soap operas with a million characters that get you invested.
These both also offer ways to get you some of the things that make you feel positive: you will win (at least some) games online, then feel good about winning. If you get involved in a fandom, you will eventually achieve some friends, even if they're internet fandom friends. I know you might be like "these aren't REAL successes" but semi quasi successes often work at 1/10 the dopamine of a 'real' success and are 1000 times easier to achieve.
It also works as a good life hack to get yourself to do something. "I'll fold the laundry after I win my next game" means that once you get there and are riding the high of succeeding, you can get the next task done, which makes you feel better about yourself overall.
Just remember - not-as-bad may not be Good, but it's still helpful for you.
posted by corb at 12:39 PM on October 15, 2023
Nthing this sounds like clinical depression and if you're not on meds, I suggest you try. Getting joy or pleasure out of things like exercise and nature etc works when your brain can react to a positive chemical reaction, but if you're chemically hampered, you won't experience it.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 12:59 PM on October 15, 2023
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 12:59 PM on October 15, 2023
Some part of this is your framing of yourself as a failure. I would say that even if it is objectively true that you have "failed" at all the thngs you claim to have failed at, the fact that you donate a lot of money to charity as well as help and volunteer in many different ways DEFINITIONALLY means you are not a failure as a human being. Pretty clearly you have severe depression, very possibly complex trauma.
Objectively you hae the opportunity to make a difference in this world. Might be a very very small difference, and ultimately the difference might be meaningless, but nevertheless the opportunity to accomplish it might make a lot of your suffering more bearable.
In some respects I very much relate to your plight. Two resoures that I would commend to your attention 1) "Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, and 2) the movie Ikiru by the japanese director Akira Kurosawa. In both cases they consider how to find meaning and motive in even the most hopeless of circumstances. I pray you find respite from your suffering. I can speak with moral certainty when I say I am certain that you are a finer example of a human being than you imagine yourself to be. kind regards.
posted by jcworth at 1:05 PM on October 15, 2023
Objectively you hae the opportunity to make a difference in this world. Might be a very very small difference, and ultimately the difference might be meaningless, but nevertheless the opportunity to accomplish it might make a lot of your suffering more bearable.
In some respects I very much relate to your plight. Two resoures that I would commend to your attention 1) "Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, and 2) the movie Ikiru by the japanese director Akira Kurosawa. In both cases they consider how to find meaning and motive in even the most hopeless of circumstances. I pray you find respite from your suffering. I can speak with moral certainty when I say I am certain that you are a finer example of a human being than you imagine yourself to be. kind regards.
posted by jcworth at 1:05 PM on October 15, 2023
I'm surprised to hear you've gotten this advice from your therapist. "Find joy in the little things" is not a typical therapeutic exercise for treating depression. Your therapist should be helping you dig deep into the causes of why you feel like a failure, why you frame life in terms of "failure" and "success", and why being a "failure" is a barrier to happiness. I agree with the other commenters who say you might want to try a therapist with a different modality (and see a psychiatrist in case medication can help).
One question I would pose to you: is the homeless man you fed a failure? Why or why not?
posted by capricorn at 2:10 PM on October 15, 2023
One question I would pose to you: is the homeless man you fed a failure? Why or why not?
posted by capricorn at 2:10 PM on October 15, 2023
This may sound selfish, but stop spending hundreds of dollars per month on charity and put it towards something that makes you feel more attractive. It doesn't have to be something that makes you feel more physically attractive, but that works too. Travel, hobbies, join a swingers club and spend it all on fetish gear if that's what does it for you. Get plastic surgery! It's your life!
You're lonely, you have the money to improve yourself and do things that would put you in people's way, but you're not putting any of that money toward anything that would help you move toward better relationships with other humans. Get your meds checked, then go out and do something for yourself.
posted by kingdead at 2:29 PM on October 15, 2023
You're lonely, you have the money to improve yourself and do things that would put you in people's way, but you're not putting any of that money toward anything that would help you move toward better relationships with other humans. Get your meds checked, then go out and do something for yourself.
posted by kingdead at 2:29 PM on October 15, 2023
This therapist is not doing you any favours, 8leggedfriend. I see that you do not let others suffer as you go on seeking answers. I appreciate you for that. You should feel proud of how well you are able to illustrate the entire situation you find yourself in. If it is possible to, you might consider going next to a non-prescribing psychiatrist. An n-p is much more likely to give you a range of medication to fit your physicality and metabolic rate than their counterpart. The best solution is a balanced dosage from day one.
posted by parmanparman at 2:40 PM on October 15, 2023
posted by parmanparman at 2:40 PM on October 15, 2023
How could you possibly feel good about the little things when the very first explanation for why you don't is that you're a failure? Big sads will stomp the little happys 9 times out of 10. Nth'ing a new shrink, I'm about two years into the first one that's really done any good for me (which is GREAT), compared to the three others I had over the preceding 10 years.
posted by rhizome at 3:20 PM on October 15, 2023
posted by rhizome at 3:20 PM on October 15, 2023
My own personal life hack here is to think of the most addictive thing that doesn't actually harm you, and do it when you're actively feeling your worst.
Yes, 1000x this. Due to CPTSD, I have spent a lot of time completely numb, unable to feel anything positive. Unable to enjoy things that I used to enjoy. Not depression exactly, but close enough. And sometimes the best I can do is find something that just makes the time go by faster. That just lets me tune out. That keeps me from ruminating.
Because for me, when things are bad enough, there's nothing that's going to make me feel good. All I can do is pass the time, and try to avoid things that make me feel worse.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:39 PM on October 15, 2023
Yes, 1000x this. Due to CPTSD, I have spent a lot of time completely numb, unable to feel anything positive. Unable to enjoy things that I used to enjoy. Not depression exactly, but close enough. And sometimes the best I can do is find something that just makes the time go by faster. That just lets me tune out. That keeps me from ruminating.
Because for me, when things are bad enough, there's nothing that's going to make me feel good. All I can do is pass the time, and try to avoid things that make me feel worse.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:39 PM on October 15, 2023
I tend towards anhedonia; often food and sex are the only things I enjoy, and sometimes I don't even enjoy them. Typical lifestyle and medication treatment don't touch it in my case. I ended up pulling out of it randomly last year, but my plan was to next try psychedelics, starting with a ketamine clinic before moving on to self administration of various other substances if it didn't work. If you haven't yet tried more serious interventions such as ketamine, ECT, etc. it might be time.
posted by metasarah at 3:55 PM on October 15, 2023
posted by metasarah at 3:55 PM on October 15, 2023
This practice might serve as one helpful piece in your journey to grow your self-esteem and develop/foster more positive feelings and enjoyment in life:
Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me
Are you and your therapist addressing the low self-compassion / high judgment you hold towards yourself? I think you sound like a lovely person, as evidenced by some of your contributions here.
posted by interbeing at 4:40 PM on October 15, 2023
Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me
Are you and your therapist addressing the low self-compassion / high judgment you hold towards yourself? I think you sound like a lovely person, as evidenced by some of your contributions here.
posted by interbeing at 4:40 PM on October 15, 2023
I donate hundreds of dollars a month to charities worldwide. I am always the first to stop for cars broken down. I have volunteered to deliver food to food banks.This is legitimately impressive. Hundreds of dollars a month is not a small amount of money. Consistently giving that kind of money and time to charity and to generally helping others is a big deal, and it shows you have both the financial means and the willpower to live up to your values and have a positive impact on the world. Even if it doesn't give you a sense of happiness, exactly, I hope you can take some pride in this.
In any case... this is just my personal experience, but two things had to happen before I could start feeling a genuine sense of gratitude and joy in "the small things". One was gaining understanding and validation of the social and systemic factors, the things out of my control, that had contributed to trauma and distress. The other was recognizing and grasping my own personal agency in shaping my circumstances. Both aspects matter, and it took both therapy and some time on medication to work through that. If your therapist is just telling you to exercise and stop to smell the flowers occasionally, that's not bad advice per se but it isn't enough to help someone suffering from the kind of deep depression you describe here.
posted by 4rtemis at 5:36 PM on October 15, 2023
Also, I know in a previous question you mention that you might have PTSD. (PTSD and autism have high comorbidity, fyi.) Is this something you're working on with your therapist? It's hard to feel good about the "little things" when your body is constantly stuck in the panic/fight or flight mode of PTSD.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:41 PM on October 15, 2023
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:41 PM on October 15, 2023
The way you've written here resonates very strongly with me; it is not dissimilar from the way I've thought or felt about myself. Therapy has helped.
I tried to find a quote about meeting one's super-ego at a party but was unsuccessful. I did however find a good podcast lecture by Adam Phillips, and also dug out a book by him as well: "Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life" might be worth a read if you're so inclined. I've always felt that reading books (much like therapy) feels good at the time but the effect diminished quickly over time.
So I suppose I'll read the book again. Best of luck to you. Suffering like this is really hard.
posted by rhooke at 7:47 PM on October 15, 2023
I tried to find a quote about meeting one's super-ego at a party but was unsuccessful. I did however find a good podcast lecture by Adam Phillips, and also dug out a book by him as well: "Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life" might be worth a read if you're so inclined. I've always felt that reading books (much like therapy) feels good at the time but the effect diminished quickly over time.
So I suppose I'll read the book again. Best of luck to you. Suffering like this is really hard.
posted by rhooke at 7:47 PM on October 15, 2023
There are plenty of people, so *many* people in the world who would also be 'failures' according to how you are defining it. Think of the people you know, or strangers. If they were in the same boat, would you be calling them failures? Repeatedly? You used it about 15 times. That would be kinda mean. I don't think you'd be as mean about other people as you are about yourself. But it goes both ways. If you are mean and judgemental to yourself, it will often eventually seem natural to be mean and judgemental about other people - not as much as you are to yourself, but enough to be painful. Neither of those options are great. Being as kind to yourself as you are to others, to strangers, is a feedback loop. It may have a slow response, but start it. Why not? You seem to feel you have nothing to lose.
If you're mean to yourself, just kindly correct yourself like the way a loving parent would, the one you *aspire* to have or be, even if it's not the ones you had yourself.
We don't talk meanly about people. That includes ourselves.
It's depressing to be bullied, even and especially when we're the ones doing the bullying.
Bullying ourselves will not preempt someone else bullying us, it just increases the bullying voice we are exposed too.
I wonder if by appreciating the little things, they're just using that as a route to be kinder to yourself. In which case, don't worry about that if it's not working, just focus on not bullying yourself - and if you do, apologise to yourself, and use words of appreciation for yourself to counteract the negative, critical internal voice.
Good luck. 🍀
posted by Elysum at 3:10 AM on October 16, 2023
If you're mean to yourself, just kindly correct yourself like the way a loving parent would, the one you *aspire* to have or be, even if it's not the ones you had yourself.
We don't talk meanly about people. That includes ourselves.
It's depressing to be bullied, even and especially when we're the ones doing the bullying.
Bullying ourselves will not preempt someone else bullying us, it just increases the bullying voice we are exposed too.
I wonder if by appreciating the little things, they're just using that as a route to be kinder to yourself. In which case, don't worry about that if it's not working, just focus on not bullying yourself - and if you do, apologise to yourself, and use words of appreciation for yourself to counteract the negative, critical internal voice.
Good luck. 🍀
posted by Elysum at 3:10 AM on October 16, 2023
What is your therapist treating you for, exactly? I think it is very possible that what's called for here is trauma therapy for CPTSD, not CBT therapy that is going to tell you to just change the way you think in a way that feels like a lie to you or makes you feel like you're failing for feeling the way you do. There is a high rate of co-occurence of autism and CPTSD, and if you're getting garden-variety therapeutic approaches instead of interventions targeted to underlying trauma (which, even if you haven't had an Experience You Think Of As Traumatic, can compound over time living in a world that, as wheatlets observed, is built in ways that are often hostile to your needs) they're not going to address the root causes of these feelings and can even be harmful. CPTSD is associated with things like depression, hopelessness, suicidality, and a pervasive negative view of self. If this is part of what's going on for you, specialized therapy is key.
posted by wormtales at 6:45 AM on October 16, 2023
posted by wormtales at 6:45 AM on October 16, 2023
“Find joy in the little things” is advice that’s like the wrong-sized shoe: lovely footwear, it will serve someone well, but that someone is not you. The fault is in the fit, not in you. So you need not continue to beat yourself up over it.
It still leaves you with the question of why joy (pleasure, ease, happiness) is so hard for you to access. You would be well-served to ask your therapist about anhedonia, and poor interception, and how they might be at play given your autism diagnosis.
This question….is very hard on yourself. You can’t locate the feeling of joy, but you are feeling distress. Is there a way to address that imbalance? To reduce distress, and to increase the ability to feel something kinder towards yourself? Can you find small ways to interrupt the mean narratives? Like when you find yourself perseverating, you consciously choose to get up and do a small thing, like a game (Tetris, say) or a two-minute task? Can you imagine a younger and smaller version of yourself that you need to shield from ongoing negative thoughts? Because what if the hungry person who needs a meal…is a part of yourself? What if you give to others, and you also act as if you are worth feeding too? What if compassion towards yourself (and if you just emitted an internal scream at that phrase, it’s worth asking why) begins with personal little things, like wearing cozy socks instead of the first ones that come to hand? What if you could be curious about what comforts the vulnerable and scared little 8LeggedFriend? Think about it as investigating and withhold judgement? I’m not asking you to accept this as true, but to experiment in the spirit of what if. When you identify something that makes you less unhappy, or even a little hopeful, write it down. It’s NOT a gratitude list, it’s information that you might be able to use at some point.
Very gently, Friend, experiment with small kindnesses to yourself, interrupt harsh narratives with action (no matter how small), talk with your therapist about autism/interception and with your doctor about possible medication, and be curious about what might comfort the part of yourself that’s suffering. I am rooting for you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:46 AM on October 16, 2023
It still leaves you with the question of why joy (pleasure, ease, happiness) is so hard for you to access. You would be well-served to ask your therapist about anhedonia, and poor interception, and how they might be at play given your autism diagnosis.
This question….is very hard on yourself. You can’t locate the feeling of joy, but you are feeling distress. Is there a way to address that imbalance? To reduce distress, and to increase the ability to feel something kinder towards yourself? Can you find small ways to interrupt the mean narratives? Like when you find yourself perseverating, you consciously choose to get up and do a small thing, like a game (Tetris, say) or a two-minute task? Can you imagine a younger and smaller version of yourself that you need to shield from ongoing negative thoughts? Because what if the hungry person who needs a meal…is a part of yourself? What if you give to others, and you also act as if you are worth feeding too? What if compassion towards yourself (and if you just emitted an internal scream at that phrase, it’s worth asking why) begins with personal little things, like wearing cozy socks instead of the first ones that come to hand? What if you could be curious about what comforts the vulnerable and scared little 8LeggedFriend? Think about it as investigating and withhold judgement? I’m not asking you to accept this as true, but to experiment in the spirit of what if. When you identify something that makes you less unhappy, or even a little hopeful, write it down. It’s NOT a gratitude list, it’s information that you might be able to use at some point.
Very gently, Friend, experiment with small kindnesses to yourself, interrupt harsh narratives with action (no matter how small), talk with your therapist about autism/interception and with your doctor about possible medication, and be curious about what might comfort the part of yourself that’s suffering. I am rooting for you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:46 AM on October 16, 2023
Typo: Interoception, of course. Damn you, autocorrect!
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:56 AM on October 16, 2023
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:56 AM on October 16, 2023
I'd much rather the world was filled with "failures" who regularly stop and help people because they have a functioning moral compass, because it doesn't occur not to them not to help, than with "successes" who stomp all over and hurt other people, or ignore and neglect folks who are struggling.
This sounds like depression to me, and your brain has dug some pretty deep "failure" ruts. It's going to take work to pull yourself out of those ruts, and some medication could help a lot. I also think it's time to think about how you judge other people.
But let's also reframe this: would you really frame as a success someone who has done well in their career but lacks compassion or kindness? I don't think you judge others the way you judge yourself.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:41 AM on October 16, 2023
This sounds like depression to me, and your brain has dug some pretty deep "failure" ruts. It's going to take work to pull yourself out of those ruts, and some medication could help a lot. I also think it's time to think about how you judge other people.
But let's also reframe this: would you really frame as a success someone who has done well in their career but lacks compassion or kindness? I don't think you judge others the way you judge yourself.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:41 AM on October 16, 2023
I've been thinking a lot about your question. I want to add some things:
Many people are suggesting meds. Autistic people often have idiosyncratic or hypersensitive reactions to meds. Doctors often have trouble understanding this and will tell you "the meds couldn't possibly be doing that!" They will give you more meds to alleviate the side effects. Then, when the meds make you act strangely, they will diagnose you with psychiatric disorders and add even more meds for those. It can get you in a hole that's very hard to dig your way out of. I'm not completely anti meds - they can be helpful - just be very, very careful who you choose as your psychiatrist and be aware of this possibility. I would seek psychedelic therapy before conventional psych meds, based on my personal experience (memail me if you have any questions, I'm very open - just keeping it brief here).
I did more digging into your post history, and noticed you have been abused in the past. I think that when you call yourself things like "failure", you're verbally abusing yourself, and your brain can't tell the difference between that and external abuse. You will constantly feel under threat, as you're living with an abuser all the time. Of course that would drain your energy and make it hard to find joy in things. I would recommend making it a priority to treat yourself kindly. It's hard to change those patterns, and it may be slow progress and will take time, but don't be discouraged by that, as you'll start feeling better and better as soon as you start trying to relate to yourself in a friendlier manner. I don't just mean treat yourself like a responsible parent would - I mean you should be an unrepentant hedonist and treat yourself to whatever you want that is within your reach.
posted by wheatlets at 1:59 PM on October 16, 2023
Many people are suggesting meds. Autistic people often have idiosyncratic or hypersensitive reactions to meds. Doctors often have trouble understanding this and will tell you "the meds couldn't possibly be doing that!" They will give you more meds to alleviate the side effects. Then, when the meds make you act strangely, they will diagnose you with psychiatric disorders and add even more meds for those. It can get you in a hole that's very hard to dig your way out of. I'm not completely anti meds - they can be helpful - just be very, very careful who you choose as your psychiatrist and be aware of this possibility. I would seek psychedelic therapy before conventional psych meds, based on my personal experience (memail me if you have any questions, I'm very open - just keeping it brief here).
I did more digging into your post history, and noticed you have been abused in the past. I think that when you call yourself things like "failure", you're verbally abusing yourself, and your brain can't tell the difference between that and external abuse. You will constantly feel under threat, as you're living with an abuser all the time. Of course that would drain your energy and make it hard to find joy in things. I would recommend making it a priority to treat yourself kindly. It's hard to change those patterns, and it may be slow progress and will take time, but don't be discouraged by that, as you'll start feeling better and better as soon as you start trying to relate to yourself in a friendlier manner. I don't just mean treat yourself like a responsible parent would - I mean you should be an unrepentant hedonist and treat yourself to whatever you want that is within your reach.
posted by wheatlets at 1:59 PM on October 16, 2023
Also. I just read this and DUDE. You are so not a failure. You came from a traumatic background, worked your way out of homelessness in your teens, started supporting your mother, worked yourself up through companies, and won awards for your academic writing without an education??? That is even fitting with society's definition of success, so I'm totally baffled at how you could consider yourself a failure. I mean - I get it, because my thinking used to be that warped, and knowing this, I recommend psychedelics even more heavily than before. Mushrooms, LSD, ketamine, MDMA, and nitrous have all helped me with different aspects of trauma recovery.
posted by wheatlets at 2:13 PM on October 16, 2023
posted by wheatlets at 2:13 PM on October 16, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
The right type of antidepressant medication could really help.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 8:54 AM on October 15, 2023