How do I help someone who has made a lifetime of poor choices?
October 9, 2023 8:46 AM Subscribe
I have a sibling that I have been responsible for since we were young. They are a high energy, charismatic personality, very intelligent with a high IQ. Sibling has an unerring instinct to make the wrong choices, pick the wrong people, say and do the wrong thing, fight other's battles, and a complete lack of boundaries. It has destroyed their career and relationships. This time it's their marriage that has broken down and divorce is on the cards.
Me and mother always picked up the pieces, set them back on their feet. But it's different this time. Mother is is in her eighties and no long capable of carrying such an emotional burden. I'm exhausted too. I'm in my late 40's and my health has deteriorated drastically since the last few years. I do not know how to help them anymore. Any gentle suggestions of therapy are ignored.
Would the community be able to offer me some advice? Any suggestions are welcome.
Sibling has a big ego, along with an incredibly stubborn attitude, and a martyr complex combined with self-righteousness. There is also a strange obtuseness and lack of self awareness about their behavior. It's like being around a loose chainsaw at times.
Sibling picks the wrong people (personally, professionally), sets the scene for a drama that plays out as scripted, and then either goes off the rails, by physically escaping from the situation or having huge showdowns. This has played out over and over again, with the net effect being their career and relationships, all destroyed. If it weren't for timely intervention by the family, there would be no finances either. Their marriage is following the same pattern.
Sibling has a big ego, along with an incredibly stubborn attitude, and a martyr complex combined with self-righteousness. There is also a strange obtuseness and lack of self awareness about their behavior. It's like being around a loose chainsaw at times.
Sibling picks the wrong people (personally, professionally), sets the scene for a drama that plays out as scripted, and then either goes off the rails, by physically escaping from the situation or having huge showdowns. This has played out over and over again, with the net effect being their career and relationships, all destroyed. If it weren't for timely intervention by the family, there would be no finances either. Their marriage is following the same pattern.
It sounds like it’s time for Sibling to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
posted by zebra at 8:55 AM on October 9, 2023 [29 favorites]
posted by zebra at 8:55 AM on October 9, 2023 [29 favorites]
Have you pursued therapy for yourself?
I went to therapy for a short period of time during a time when some big family drama occurred, and the most useful takeaway for me was that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to control anyone else's behavior. I can only control my reaction to it. Pursuing that disconnection, unlearning some unhealthy codependencies from my childhood, was very healing for me.
posted by phunniemee at 8:56 AM on October 9, 2023 [45 favorites]
I went to therapy for a short period of time during a time when some big family drama occurred, and the most useful takeaway for me was that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to control anyone else's behavior. I can only control my reaction to it. Pursuing that disconnection, unlearning some unhealthy codependencies from my childhood, was very healing for me.
posted by phunniemee at 8:56 AM on October 9, 2023 [45 favorites]
The person who needs therapy here is you.
You seem massively invested in solving all these things that are not your problem to solve. But unless the sibling lacks legal competency, they're free to get their life into whatever kind of mess they like. Your responsibility, if you can manage it, is to bring a beer and a listening ear every now and then and say "man that sounds really tough, I'm sorry this is happening to you".
The therapist is the key to figuring out how you got into this situation where you're taking responsibility for another adult's entire life, and how you disentangle yourself from that and start looking after yourself.
If you do still want to help out, there's a simple trick: Call the person and ask if there's anything you can do to help!
posted by quacks like a duck at 8:59 AM on October 9, 2023 [31 favorites]
You seem massively invested in solving all these things that are not your problem to solve. But unless the sibling lacks legal competency, they're free to get their life into whatever kind of mess they like. Your responsibility, if you can manage it, is to bring a beer and a listening ear every now and then and say "man that sounds really tough, I'm sorry this is happening to you".
The therapist is the key to figuring out how you got into this situation where you're taking responsibility for another adult's entire life, and how you disentangle yourself from that and start looking after yourself.
If you do still want to help out, there's a simple trick: Call the person and ask if there's anything you can do to help!
posted by quacks like a duck at 8:59 AM on October 9, 2023 [31 favorites]
Response by poster: I understand there is a kind of codependence, and I seem massively invested, as you say, but it goes back to when we were children and I was always made responsible for my younger siblings. Old habits die hard.
posted by summerfey at 9:07 AM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by summerfey at 9:07 AM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I understand there is a kind of codependence, and I seem massively invested, as you say, but it goes back to when we were children and I was always made responsible for my younger siblings. Old habits die hard.
Some habits are meant to be broken and this is a perfect candidate. Your sibling has made THEIR choices and while it pains you to watch the trainwreck over and over again, it is not your responsibility to stop it from happening.
I second, third, and fourth the suggestions for therapy for you. You need to get to the root of why you still feel responsible so you can cut it off and grow new independence.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 9:17 AM on October 9, 2023 [53 favorites]
Some habits are meant to be broken and this is a perfect candidate. Your sibling has made THEIR choices and while it pains you to watch the trainwreck over and over again, it is not your responsibility to stop it from happening.
I second, third, and fourth the suggestions for therapy for you. You need to get to the root of why you still feel responsible so you can cut it off and grow new independence.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 9:17 AM on October 9, 2023 [53 favorites]
I can understand your position, and it's a really, really tough one to be in. I'm sorry that they are struggling so much, and that it's impacting your life to this degree.
You mention your sibling having a lack of boundaries- where are your boundaries on helping them? Setting some, explaining them clearly, and sticking to them might be a good start.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 9:19 AM on October 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
You mention your sibling having a lack of boundaries- where are your boundaries on helping them? Setting some, explaining them clearly, and sticking to them might be a good start.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 9:19 AM on October 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
Your sibling is not your monkey, and their life is not your circus. Step away, with therapy if needed.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:20 AM on October 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:20 AM on October 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
Sibling is going to keep on destroying their life, because that's what they want to do. No matter how much you rescue sibling, sibling is always going to be putting themselves into a bad place yet again. You just have to let them...fall, because that's where they are going to end up no matter what.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:37 AM on October 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:37 AM on October 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
You mention that sibling's marriage is strained. I wonder if you could stop and think about this from their partner's perspective for a moment. I don't think there are very many people out there who say "you know what this high-conflict marriage needs more of? Opinions from my in-laws!" I think you should butt out in general, but especially here, unless you have reason to think that abuse is happening -- and even then, tread carefully.
posted by eirias at 9:41 AM on October 9, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by eirias at 9:41 AM on October 9, 2023 [12 favorites]
N-thing the others that you need to step away. If there is any kind of alcohol or substance abuse in your family -- not just in your sibling, but in your family writ large -- you might consider Al Anon as well as therapy. Al Anon is faster. You can go to a meeting today. If there is not one in your area, you can find a virtual meeting.
From the about page: "Al‑Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. By sharing common experiences and applying the Al-Anon principles, families and friends of alcoholics can bring positive changes to their individual situations, whether or not the alcoholic admits the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help." Do not be limited by the emphasis on alcohol. Many people attend Al Anon meetings due to impact that other substance use by a friend or loved one has on their own lives.
posted by OrangeDisk at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
From the about page: "Al‑Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. By sharing common experiences and applying the Al-Anon principles, families and friends of alcoholics can bring positive changes to their individual situations, whether or not the alcoholic admits the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help." Do not be limited by the emphasis on alcohol. Many people attend Al Anon meetings due to impact that other substance use by a friend or loved one has on their own lives.
posted by OrangeDisk at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: All about the “detach with love” option here. Professional support (therapy, legal since legacy will come up) is key as has been established above.
Support also comes from owning your own worth and communicating that you have a certain amount of energy, and for the foreseeable that energy is to be spent on yourself, a nuclear unit, whatever you want to prioritize. Each year I find this energy needs actual defending - against myself or other raiders who will drain it.
I needed to be ready to mute all input and to ward off any criticism in a way that opened zero doors for discussion. That meant never mentioning the motives or antics of others, just me and my household. If someone failed to understand that I would have to let that lie.
For me, the categorized focus on where my energy and resources must go freed me from itemized interactions and daily moral/historical calculus. Thats not to say it did not give me feels, but I could move through the day.
I have gone on too long, but give yourself a before and after story and hold on to it, and be satisfied every day you can count as after no matter how messy it was to hold on.
posted by drowsy at 9:47 AM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Support also comes from owning your own worth and communicating that you have a certain amount of energy, and for the foreseeable that energy is to be spent on yourself, a nuclear unit, whatever you want to prioritize. Each year I find this energy needs actual defending - against myself or other raiders who will drain it.
I needed to be ready to mute all input and to ward off any criticism in a way that opened zero doors for discussion. That meant never mentioning the motives or antics of others, just me and my household. If someone failed to understand that I would have to let that lie.
For me, the categorized focus on where my energy and resources must go freed me from itemized interactions and daily moral/historical calculus. Thats not to say it did not give me feels, but I could move through the day.
I have gone on too long, but give yourself a before and after story and hold on to it, and be satisfied every day you can count as after no matter how messy it was to hold on.
posted by drowsy at 9:47 AM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: I have not interfered in their marriage at all, or the split. I have offered no opinions to either of them on their marriage. However it is painful for me to see, because knowing my sibling, I knew they had picked someone whom they had vast differences with on nearly every front. Their partner is also incredibly needy and has poor financial habits, which led to their inevitable breakup. The partner nearly brought them to penury. The painful part is I could see all this from the get go.
There is no alcohol or substance abuse in my immediate or extended family.
posted by summerfey at 9:49 AM on October 9, 2023
There is no alcohol or substance abuse in my immediate or extended family.
posted by summerfey at 9:49 AM on October 9, 2023
People are allowed to mess of their lives, burn their own bridges, act all the ways they wish to act. There are consequences to that, some are relational bc people don't want to be around them, some are career bc no one can trust or work with someone who can't hold boundries, some are financial, some are legal.
None of this you have to deal with at all. If your sibling wants to do better they will work to do better. They will behave at work. Do therapy. Not get into fights. Spend their money carefully.
If your help was going to help out would have done so way before now.
You cannot change entrenched patterns unless the person absolutely wants to and its spending much of their time working on that particular thing.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:51 AM on October 9, 2023 [18 favorites]
None of this you have to deal with at all. If your sibling wants to do better they will work to do better. They will behave at work. Do therapy. Not get into fights. Spend their money carefully.
If your help was going to help out would have done so way before now.
You cannot change entrenched patterns unless the person absolutely wants to and its spending much of their time working on that particular thing.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:51 AM on October 9, 2023 [18 favorites]
I have a similar dynamic in my family. My mother and I were always helping to pick up the pieces for my brother who just turned 40. Four years ago I decided I had enough although my mother does still cater to him a bit. You know what? Not much has changed. He’s still making a mess of things but I no longer make it my business. I still see him, we have a nice time together, but requests for money, living arrangements, and rides are almost entirely denied and he is still managing. Your sibling is an adult, full stop. Let them manage their own affairs. Be a sympathetic ear. Allow them to grow up.
posted by onebyone at 10:15 AM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by onebyone at 10:15 AM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with the advice to step away, but for a slightly distinct reason: Your hyperresponsibility instinct is harming you, and will continue to until you break it. It's also very likely harming your relationship with your sibling.
I have a sibling who isn't even really on the scale next to yours, but... won't be winning any best-person-ever awards, either. We're in the same professional field. I'm tolerably well-known and successful. She is... employed, and I'll leave it at that. The only reason we still have a reasonably cordial relationship -- especially since she is very good at resenting others -- is that I have butted all the way out of her life, and I don't let it bug me when her resentment occasionally boils over. I honestly, truly don't think your sibling really wants your help, any more than mine wants help from me.
Now. I also married a selfish feckless ass who sounds rather like a toned-down version of your sibling. Like you, I went Hyperresponsible, trying to direct his life (in my minimal defense, in ways he said he wanted it to go -- later he said he was lying about that to impress me, which tells you something about him, I think?) and maximize his opportunities and all that good stuff.
I poured so. much. energy. into him that he never made any kind of return on. I worked myself so. hard. to give him choices, to give him time. Not only did none of it pan out, none of it improved our relationship -- everyone on the green is nodding right now, I ended up resentful and closed off, he ended up feeling unappreciated and unloved, we ended up divorcing. What do I have to show for everything I did (supposedly) for him? Not a damn thing. I want so much better for you! Hell, I want better for the younger woman I was, but that's out of reach now. So do better than I did, okay?
Just drop off the key, Lee,
And get yourself free.
posted by humbug at 10:24 AM on October 9, 2023 [47 favorites]
I have a sibling who isn't even really on the scale next to yours, but... won't be winning any best-person-ever awards, either. We're in the same professional field. I'm tolerably well-known and successful. She is... employed, and I'll leave it at that. The only reason we still have a reasonably cordial relationship -- especially since she is very good at resenting others -- is that I have butted all the way out of her life, and I don't let it bug me when her resentment occasionally boils over. I honestly, truly don't think your sibling really wants your help, any more than mine wants help from me.
Now. I also married a selfish feckless ass who sounds rather like a toned-down version of your sibling. Like you, I went Hyperresponsible, trying to direct his life (in my minimal defense, in ways he said he wanted it to go -- later he said he was lying about that to impress me, which tells you something about him, I think?) and maximize his opportunities and all that good stuff.
I poured so. much. energy. into him that he never made any kind of return on. I worked myself so. hard. to give him choices, to give him time. Not only did none of it pan out, none of it improved our relationship -- everyone on the green is nodding right now, I ended up resentful and closed off, he ended up feeling unappreciated and unloved, we ended up divorcing. What do I have to show for everything I did (supposedly) for him? Not a damn thing. I want so much better for you! Hell, I want better for the younger woman I was, but that's out of reach now. So do better than I did, okay?
Just drop off the key, Lee,
And get yourself free.
posted by humbug at 10:24 AM on October 9, 2023 [47 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry you're having health issues. Given your limited energies, you need to prioritize yourself right now. (If there isn't a legal framework and plan in place for supporting your mom in these senior years, please address that. It reads as if you would be expected to be point person there, given your existing role in the family.)
You were made responsible for younger siblings when you were a child yourself. It wasn't fair then, and it's not fair you've been co-parenting this sibling this long, but please know you can still change that pattern for everyone's good. Don't make "gentle" therapy suggestions to your beloved egomaniac anymore; lead by example, and get individual therapy yourself. Say, as you wrote here, "I do not know how to help them anymore," and work with a therapist on appropriate boundaries. (Ask your sibling to join you in family counseling, though they'll likely refuse.) Perspective is everything, and therapy will give you insight into your own life.
You love your sibling, feel protective of them, and it is very, very draining to be yoked to a personality like theirs. It's dreadful, seeing the consequences of their choices so clearly, having no power to change their course of action, all the while feeling obligated to help them manage the fallout. That your mom made you her partner in this management for decades is not right. Families do come together in a crisis. A crisis is a specific stage in a fraught situation, not a *person*. A loose-chainsaw, martyr-complexed sibling manufacturing a series of self-defeating catastrophes is not a problem you can solve.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:25 AM on October 9, 2023 [13 favorites]
You were made responsible for younger siblings when you were a child yourself. It wasn't fair then, and it's not fair you've been co-parenting this sibling this long, but please know you can still change that pattern for everyone's good. Don't make "gentle" therapy suggestions to your beloved egomaniac anymore; lead by example, and get individual therapy yourself. Say, as you wrote here, "I do not know how to help them anymore," and work with a therapist on appropriate boundaries. (Ask your sibling to join you in family counseling, though they'll likely refuse.) Perspective is everything, and therapy will give you insight into your own life.
You love your sibling, feel protective of them, and it is very, very draining to be yoked to a personality like theirs. It's dreadful, seeing the consequences of their choices so clearly, having no power to change their course of action, all the while feeling obligated to help them manage the fallout. That your mom made you her partner in this management for decades is not right. Families do come together in a crisis. A crisis is a specific stage in a fraught situation, not a *person*. A loose-chainsaw, martyr-complexed sibling manufacturing a series of self-defeating catastrophes is not a problem you can solve.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:25 AM on October 9, 2023 [13 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to let people you love make their own terrible mistakes and play out their own predictable terrible patterns. As a fellow older sibling, I know that piece of it is its own special form of painful.
It's still what you have to do.
If sibling asks you for any specific help, e.g. with finances, evaluate that particular request when you get it and decide if you have the emotional and practical reserves to agree to it at that time. Absent any such specific asks, just take a big step back here. Let it play out how it's going to play out. Focus on your own self-care and getting through the big hard feelings that's going to bring up for you.
posted by Stacey at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2023 [6 favorites]
It's still what you have to do.
If sibling asks you for any specific help, e.g. with finances, evaluate that particular request when you get it and decide if you have the emotional and practical reserves to agree to it at that time. Absent any such specific asks, just take a big step back here. Let it play out how it's going to play out. Focus on your own self-care and getting through the big hard feelings that's going to bring up for you.
posted by Stacey at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2023 [6 favorites]
Ok, so what happens if you literally say, "I can't help anymore, I'm at the end of my rope"?
Is your mother going to have a heart attack?
What's the worst case scenario here?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:49 AM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Is your mother going to have a heart attack?
What's the worst case scenario here?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:49 AM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you perennially protect people from the consequences of their actions you inadvertently collaborate in raising a fool. For better or worse, pain is one of our primary teachers. You are not loving someone by helping them maintain ignorance.
posted by jcworth at 10:57 AM on October 9, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by jcworth at 10:57 AM on October 9, 2023 [15 favorites]
In all honesty, absolutely zero humor or sarcasm intended -- that "worst case" actually sounds pretty good to me.
My feckless ex made several bids to stay in my life "as friends." I refused them all and it was absolutely the correct move. I don't know or care where he is now or what he's doing, and I don't want to. I can repurpose that brainspace for other stuff now.
posted by humbug at 11:21 AM on October 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
My feckless ex made several bids to stay in my life "as friends." I refused them all and it was absolutely the correct move. I don't know or care where he is now or what he's doing, and I don't want to. I can repurpose that brainspace for other stuff now.
posted by humbug at 11:21 AM on October 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
“When a child is young, you can catch him if he falls. Then he gets a little older and falls from a higher place. Maybe you can still catch him. But finally he’s a full-grown adult and falls off the top of a building—then you have to decide: either get out of the way or be crushed.” – the father of Scott Bailey, an acoholic & drug addict, in the book, The Splendid Things We Planned, by Blake Baileyposted by alex1965 at 11:44 AM on October 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
Sometimes when we try to control or influence other people in our lives, we are avoiding something in our own life. It sounds like you are spending a lot of time and energy focused on your sibling's mistakes. Where else could you be spending that energy? If you are worried about your mother, spend time with her, not trying to jostle your adult sibling into behaving differently to, what, relieve your mother's stress? Your mom is going to stress about her kids, probably, and probably won't change that behavior.
There are worse things in like than divorce. Why on earth would you try to meddle to save a marriage that was ill-advised? So what does it matter if you "knew" beforehand? No one wants to hear "I told you so" from family and friends.
It also sounds like you have a narrative about your sibling, that they'll always fuck up. It might be worth spending some time in therapy to think through that narrative, and how sometimes telling ourselves stories like that can also help perpetuate them.
Do you like your sibling? It doesn't sound like it. So it's not clear why them being in your life less is a worse case scenario. It could be freeing. So it's time to realize there's an unhealthy cycle here, and you're just as responsible for it as your sibling. Focus on yourself, and your mom, and get into therapy.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:47 AM on October 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
There are worse things in like than divorce. Why on earth would you try to meddle to save a marriage that was ill-advised? So what does it matter if you "knew" beforehand? No one wants to hear "I told you so" from family and friends.
It also sounds like you have a narrative about your sibling, that they'll always fuck up. It might be worth spending some time in therapy to think through that narrative, and how sometimes telling ourselves stories like that can also help perpetuate them.
Do you like your sibling? It doesn't sound like it. So it's not clear why them being in your life less is a worse case scenario. It could be freeing. So it's time to realize there's an unhealthy cycle here, and you're just as responsible for it as your sibling. Focus on yourself, and your mom, and get into therapy.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:47 AM on October 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
Best answer: All good advice here; I'd like to take a moment to talk about boundaries.
It took me a long time, but I set some good, healthy boundaries (thank you, Metafiler!) with my mother. She crosses my boundaries every week, but in ways that are not enough for me to cut off all contact; they are only "little things," in the grand scheme of things.
So every week, for the past 30+ years, she crosses a boundary. Sometimes she tiptoes over it in a manipulatory way. Other times she cheerfully steps over it then claims later that she'd forgotten about it. Still other times she steamrolls over it in the name of her own issues, needing to remind herself and me that she (thinks she) is in control.
And every week, I quietly pick her up and, like a toddler, set her down back on her side of the boundary. I do this by saying "No" a lot, by using toddler logic ("would you prefer to walk home?"), and various other healthy pushback techniques. I don't get mad, which wouldn't do any good. I don't ruminate over why she continues to overstep these boundaries after 30 years, because that wouldn't do any good either. I simply live with it, because the other option is cutting her off, and the boundaries are small enough so that it's not worth such a drastic step. (Plus I limit myself to seeing her only once a week for this reason.)
And after 30 years, I barely notice the boundary crossing anymore, because it's so much a part of who she is. I just grit my teeth, eat (or fantasize about eating) a whole bag of doritoes, and remind myself, "that's mom." Sometimes I play in my head a game of "mom bingo," such as "oh, mom did X this week, it's been a while since she did X, do I have a Bingo for that?"
It doesn't mean it's all pleasant. There are times when the boundary crossing really irritates me and occasionally I'm in tears. But I live with it, because it won't go away until one of us dies, and that's how we all live our lives to different degrees. You can too. Set good boundaries, and don't let the whole situation eat up your head space.
posted by sockerpup at 11:49 AM on October 9, 2023 [23 favorites]
It took me a long time, but I set some good, healthy boundaries (thank you, Metafiler!) with my mother. She crosses my boundaries every week, but in ways that are not enough for me to cut off all contact; they are only "little things," in the grand scheme of things.
So every week, for the past 30+ years, she crosses a boundary. Sometimes she tiptoes over it in a manipulatory way. Other times she cheerfully steps over it then claims later that she'd forgotten about it. Still other times she steamrolls over it in the name of her own issues, needing to remind herself and me that she (thinks she) is in control.
And every week, I quietly pick her up and, like a toddler, set her down back on her side of the boundary. I do this by saying "No" a lot, by using toddler logic ("would you prefer to walk home?"), and various other healthy pushback techniques. I don't get mad, which wouldn't do any good. I don't ruminate over why she continues to overstep these boundaries after 30 years, because that wouldn't do any good either. I simply live with it, because the other option is cutting her off, and the boundaries are small enough so that it's not worth such a drastic step. (Plus I limit myself to seeing her only once a week for this reason.)
And after 30 years, I barely notice the boundary crossing anymore, because it's so much a part of who she is. I just grit my teeth, eat (or fantasize about eating) a whole bag of doritoes, and remind myself, "that's mom." Sometimes I play in my head a game of "mom bingo," such as "oh, mom did X this week, it's been a while since she did X, do I have a Bingo for that?"
It doesn't mean it's all pleasant. There are times when the boundary crossing really irritates me and occasionally I'm in tears. But I live with it, because it won't go away until one of us dies, and that's how we all live our lives to different degrees. You can too. Set good boundaries, and don't let the whole situation eat up your head space.
posted by sockerpup at 11:49 AM on October 9, 2023 [23 favorites]
Back off. The scapegoat doesn't want Mother and Golden Child tsk-tsking over their life, anyway.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:00 PM on October 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:00 PM on October 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
it goes back to when we were children and I was always made responsible for my younger siblingsParentification is a form of child abuse. If you talk to your mom about your sibling, your mom will naturally repeat the abusive pattern of delegating responsibility to you. On top of all the other good advice in this thread, you should also set a boundary and stop talking to your mother about your sibling.
posted by shock muppet at 12:46 PM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. Most of the time you can't even help people who DO want to be helped. But nobody changes until they're ready and I'm not talking about your sibling: I'm talking about you.
Because your question is how do I help my sibling, but all of your follow ups are about you, and your mother. That you are so so tired, and hurting, and your mother deserves (expects?) better. It's you who needs the help; but you have spent so much of your life drafted into helping your mother and your sibling that you're maybe not even able to see that fact or, heaven forfend, type those words. (Waves in eldest child.)
You think what you need is for your sibling to shape their shit up but what you actually need is just someone, anyone, to help you for once. And there's a sort of, I don't know, internal sense of justice that says the person to help you should be your good-for-nothing human-chainsaw sibling. That's a knot of resentment and anger and thwarted fairness that needs to be undone before anything gets better, and that's why like 99% of comments here have said: therapy. Maybe particularly, a family systems-focused therapist.
Is there anyone in your life who you do rely on for help? Have you become the sole helper for everyone? (It wouldn't be surprising, we do what we're raised to do!) What would your sibling say if you asked THEM for help? What would your mother say? Suppose your sibling and mother both vanished, abducted by aliens, tomorrow. What would your life be? Just some stuff to think on whilst you find a therapist.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:52 PM on October 9, 2023 [10 favorites]
Because your question is how do I help my sibling, but all of your follow ups are about you, and your mother. That you are so so tired, and hurting, and your mother deserves (expects?) better. It's you who needs the help; but you have spent so much of your life drafted into helping your mother and your sibling that you're maybe not even able to see that fact or, heaven forfend, type those words. (Waves in eldest child.)
You think what you need is for your sibling to shape their shit up but what you actually need is just someone, anyone, to help you for once. And there's a sort of, I don't know, internal sense of justice that says the person to help you should be your good-for-nothing human-chainsaw sibling. That's a knot of resentment and anger and thwarted fairness that needs to be undone before anything gets better, and that's why like 99% of comments here have said: therapy. Maybe particularly, a family systems-focused therapist.
Is there anyone in your life who you do rely on for help? Have you become the sole helper for everyone? (It wouldn't be surprising, we do what we're raised to do!) What would your sibling say if you asked THEM for help? What would your mother say? Suppose your sibling and mother both vanished, abducted by aliens, tomorrow. What would your life be? Just some stuff to think on whilst you find a therapist.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:52 PM on October 9, 2023 [10 favorites]
Best answer: You can be caring, kind, listen, and provide some emotional support without wading in and taking on their emotional burden. Divorce is unpleasant but they'll cope. I don't know if experiencing consequences will help them learn and grow - some people are quite resistant - but not experiencing consequences definitely keeps them from learning and growing.
You describe them as instigating a lot of drama. People who churn a lot of emotional drama may have Bipolar Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They may be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, a diagnosis I think is sketchy in general but might still be useful. In any case, diagnosis requires a good therapist. Medication can be incredibly helpful, so encourage professional help. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells was useful to me.
posted by theora55 at 1:19 PM on October 9, 2023 [6 favorites]
You describe them as instigating a lot of drama. People who churn a lot of emotional drama may have Bipolar Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They may be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, a diagnosis I think is sketchy in general but might still be useful. In any case, diagnosis requires a good therapist. Medication can be incredibly helpful, so encourage professional help. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells was useful to me.
posted by theora55 at 1:19 PM on October 9, 2023 [6 favorites]
Nothing will work for them unless they seek it out themselves.
I see what theora55 sees. Unfortunately people with those kinds of rigid and deep defences don’t usually seek help with those defences. If they’re depressed or anxious, they might go for help for that. So I’d say if they express an interest in counselling, maybe you can help generate a shortlist of therapists who have expertise in mood and personality disorders like NPD and BPD, as well as depression or anxiety. A therapist with experience in the former should (*should*, ideally but not always) pick up on what your sib may not be aware they’re putting down. Just don’t mention anything about the mood/personality disorder piece at all, talk about how great the therapist is supposed to be for depression or anxiety. Even then don’t force one on them, if things go wrong (as they may), you might catch some blame for it.
For you I would read around how to deal with people with cluster B symptoms.
Are you asking about this or more narrowly about how to help your mom set up money/inheritance stuff for the future?
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:36 PM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
I see what theora55 sees. Unfortunately people with those kinds of rigid and deep defences don’t usually seek help with those defences. If they’re depressed or anxious, they might go for help for that. So I’d say if they express an interest in counselling, maybe you can help generate a shortlist of therapists who have expertise in mood and personality disorders like NPD and BPD, as well as depression or anxiety. A therapist with experience in the former should (*should*, ideally but not always) pick up on what your sib may not be aware they’re putting down. Just don’t mention anything about the mood/personality disorder piece at all, talk about how great the therapist is supposed to be for depression or anxiety. Even then don’t force one on them, if things go wrong (as they may), you might catch some blame for it.
For you I would read around how to deal with people with cluster B symptoms.
Are you asking about this or more narrowly about how to help your mom set up money/inheritance stuff for the future?
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:36 PM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The parentification comment reminded me of a friend whose father recently died. There are three adult sons (in their 50s-60s) and a bunch of grandkids. One of the sons hasn't ever been great with money and has made some bad financial decisions. There's definitely a family narrative about him being a screw-up. The psychology of it all isn't important. Here's the thing:
The dad always treated the two "good" sons quite differently when it came to money, feeling like he had bailed out the bad son too many times. He died recently. What no one knew was that he split his money three ways, 1/3 to each of the "good" sons, and then another third in a trust for the bad son, this money to be managed fully by one of the good sons. Generously, the idea is that the dad was trying to preserve some of that money for his grandchildren to inherit eventually rather than letting the bad son blow through it.
More realistically, and likely unconsciously, the dad was perpetuating the cycle of not trusting the bad son to be an adult and manage money, and he was instead replicating the bad relationship he had with his kid, but sticking his oldest son is his role after his death.
The good thing: the two good sons rejected this and both refused to manage the trust, so they're working with the lawyers to figure out how to get the money to their brother. It's not that they think he'll make good choices with the money; their attitude about their brother isn't far off from their father's. But they are not wanting to continue in their father's role, as judge and money manager and scolder of their 50-something brother. A big part of it is not wanting to be so intimately involved in their brother's life and finances even as they all spend a LOT of time talking about how their brother is messing up regularly.
The dad could have just given some money to the grandkids, or found another path. But note that it was the sons who are ending the family cycle. Just like you can end the family cycle of continuing to parent/manage the life of an adult person, your sibling. You don't have to be in this role, but you'll have to make a deliberate choice to step out of it.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:59 PM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
The dad always treated the two "good" sons quite differently when it came to money, feeling like he had bailed out the bad son too many times. He died recently. What no one knew was that he split his money three ways, 1/3 to each of the "good" sons, and then another third in a trust for the bad son, this money to be managed fully by one of the good sons. Generously, the idea is that the dad was trying to preserve some of that money for his grandchildren to inherit eventually rather than letting the bad son blow through it.
More realistically, and likely unconsciously, the dad was perpetuating the cycle of not trusting the bad son to be an adult and manage money, and he was instead replicating the bad relationship he had with his kid, but sticking his oldest son is his role after his death.
The good thing: the two good sons rejected this and both refused to manage the trust, so they're working with the lawyers to figure out how to get the money to their brother. It's not that they think he'll make good choices with the money; their attitude about their brother isn't far off from their father's. But they are not wanting to continue in their father's role, as judge and money manager and scolder of their 50-something brother. A big part of it is not wanting to be so intimately involved in their brother's life and finances even as they all spend a LOT of time talking about how their brother is messing up regularly.
The dad could have just given some money to the grandkids, or found another path. But note that it was the sons who are ending the family cycle. Just like you can end the family cycle of continuing to parent/manage the life of an adult person, your sibling. You don't have to be in this role, but you'll have to make a deliberate choice to step out of it.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:59 PM on October 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: There are very helpful 12 steps groups like Al-Anon, and CODA (Codependents Anonymous) but they would be for YOU not for your sister. You can't live her life for her, or yours for her etc.
posted by bquarters at 5:53 PM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bquarters at 5:53 PM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Are you asking about this or more narrowly about how to help your mom set up money/inheritance stuff for the future?
My mother is sprightly and mobile for an 80 year old, and she is fine for money and healthcare. I and my other siblings take care of her. Inheritance matters are also taken care of - everything gets split equally when the time comes.
I didn't know cluster B personality, so I didn't consider things in those terms. Narrowly it was about how do I help my sibling one last time with getting back on their feet, because we're all coming to the end of the road and I don't have much bandwidth left - I've exhausted my mental and physical resources, and my health has run down a lot. I'm physically unable to take the strain.
Is there anyone in your life who you do rely on for help? Have you become the sole helper for everyone? (It wouldn't be surprising, we do what we're raised to do!) What would your sibling say if you asked THEM for help? What would your mother say?
I rely on myself. I am my own backup. There was a time when I would ask my mother for help occasionally, but those times are no longer possible. I am an introvert, and in the last 7-10 years have lost pretty much most of my social circle due to moving multiple times and some difficult personal issues. If I asked said sibling for help, they would definitely help. I think.
Sometimes when we try to control or influence other people in our lives, we are avoiding something in our own life. It sounds like you are spending a lot of time and energy focused on your sibling's mistakes. Where else could you be spending that energy?
I already agreed with another person, in a reply above, that there is some degree of codependence there. I am spending my energy on other things, but being asked over and over to bail out someone who makes the same mistake in different settings is exhausting and painful. I'm not focusing on their mistakes, it's just the degree to which the same pattern has played out a hundred times.
Why on earth would you try to meddle to save a marriage that was ill-advised? So what does it matter if you "knew" beforehand? No one wants to hear "I told you so" from family and friends.
I already made it clear in a reply above that I did not meddle in their marriage, and neither am I trying to save it now. It matters that I could forsee what was going to happen because it nearly destroyed our family and it was all so avoidable. My sibling married a person with terrible financial habits (which were known because they lived together for many years) and due to that, they moved in with my elderly mother because they said they couldn't afford rent (it was only supposed to be a temporary situation). Two adults with high paying jobs! It nearly drove my elderly mother crazy, and they also didn't allow the other siblings to visit which created great strife in the family that has not been repaired to this day. Their partner went and sank all their savings into a series of ill-advised real estate and other sketchy investments, all the while claiming to have no money. Well, they have no money now. It's this sort of thing I'm talking about.
It also sounds like you have a narrative about your sibling, that they'll always fuck up. It might be worth spending some time in therapy to think through that narrative, and how sometimes telling ourselves stories like that can also help perpetuate them.
This is not *my* narrative. These are observed facts. Sibling has driven everyone away from their life due to their hot and cold, up/down behavior. I still feel obligated to help them because my mother asks me to, and also because of old familial loyalty.
Do you like your sibling? It doesn't sound like it.
I know it is hard to believe, but I do like and love them. They are an infuriating person, so there is some level of frustration there.
So it's not clear why them being in your life less is a worse case scenario. It could be freeing. So it's time to realize there's an unhealthy cycle here, and you're just as responsible for it as your sibling.
Because we are/were close. My family kept a close circle, and I was an introvert on top of that.
posted by summerfey at 9:57 PM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
My mother is sprightly and mobile for an 80 year old, and she is fine for money and healthcare. I and my other siblings take care of her. Inheritance matters are also taken care of - everything gets split equally when the time comes.
I didn't know cluster B personality, so I didn't consider things in those terms. Narrowly it was about how do I help my sibling one last time with getting back on their feet, because we're all coming to the end of the road and I don't have much bandwidth left - I've exhausted my mental and physical resources, and my health has run down a lot. I'm physically unable to take the strain.
Is there anyone in your life who you do rely on for help? Have you become the sole helper for everyone? (It wouldn't be surprising, we do what we're raised to do!) What would your sibling say if you asked THEM for help? What would your mother say?
I rely on myself. I am my own backup. There was a time when I would ask my mother for help occasionally, but those times are no longer possible. I am an introvert, and in the last 7-10 years have lost pretty much most of my social circle due to moving multiple times and some difficult personal issues. If I asked said sibling for help, they would definitely help. I think.
Sometimes when we try to control or influence other people in our lives, we are avoiding something in our own life. It sounds like you are spending a lot of time and energy focused on your sibling's mistakes. Where else could you be spending that energy?
I already agreed with another person, in a reply above, that there is some degree of codependence there. I am spending my energy on other things, but being asked over and over to bail out someone who makes the same mistake in different settings is exhausting and painful. I'm not focusing on their mistakes, it's just the degree to which the same pattern has played out a hundred times.
Why on earth would you try to meddle to save a marriage that was ill-advised? So what does it matter if you "knew" beforehand? No one wants to hear "I told you so" from family and friends.
I already made it clear in a reply above that I did not meddle in their marriage, and neither am I trying to save it now. It matters that I could forsee what was going to happen because it nearly destroyed our family and it was all so avoidable. My sibling married a person with terrible financial habits (which were known because they lived together for many years) and due to that, they moved in with my elderly mother because they said they couldn't afford rent (it was only supposed to be a temporary situation). Two adults with high paying jobs! It nearly drove my elderly mother crazy, and they also didn't allow the other siblings to visit which created great strife in the family that has not been repaired to this day. Their partner went and sank all their savings into a series of ill-advised real estate and other sketchy investments, all the while claiming to have no money. Well, they have no money now. It's this sort of thing I'm talking about.
It also sounds like you have a narrative about your sibling, that they'll always fuck up. It might be worth spending some time in therapy to think through that narrative, and how sometimes telling ourselves stories like that can also help perpetuate them.
This is not *my* narrative. These are observed facts. Sibling has driven everyone away from their life due to their hot and cold, up/down behavior. I still feel obligated to help them because my mother asks me to, and also because of old familial loyalty.
Do you like your sibling? It doesn't sound like it.
I know it is hard to believe, but I do like and love them. They are an infuriating person, so there is some level of frustration there.
So it's not clear why them being in your life less is a worse case scenario. It could be freeing. So it's time to realize there's an unhealthy cycle here, and you're just as responsible for it as your sibling.
Because we are/were close. My family kept a close circle, and I was an introvert on top of that.
posted by summerfey at 9:57 PM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for all your insightful comments. You have given me a lot to think about. Definitely I can't control anyone or anything, least of all another grown adult. And clearly, I have some work to do as well, to learn to detach from the codependency, and break old patterns and habits. It's humbling to have one's own motives questioned. I will look into therapy, for myself.
posted by summerfey at 10:29 PM on October 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by summerfey at 10:29 PM on October 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
Glad to hear it. I wish you the best.
posted by humbug at 5:27 AM on October 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by humbug at 5:27 AM on October 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
OP, gently, you are telling yourself that you haven't interfered in your sibling's life and/or marriage, but that's not true because your "I WANT TO FIX YOU" and "I AM JUDGING YOU AND ALL YOUR LIFE YOUR CHOICES REAL HARD" vibes are sure to be radiating off of you every time you interact with them. These aren't feelings you could ever completely mask, nobody is that good an actor. You'd have to be an actual psychopath or something to pull off that level of deception! Which of course you aren't.
It's hard to admit when we have been accidentally violating someone else's boundaries with our good intentions and our desire to rescue them from themselves. But it's necessary to admit it. Because otherwise you'll continue to believe that you've been involved in the task of "helping" your sibling all these years, when actually, you've been overstepping waaaay into their personal boundaries (even if they are unable to recognize/articulate/stop it) and enabling their dysfunction by rescuing them so much and quite likely harming them unintentionally. You need to stop. I believe in your ability and your intention to be better at this. It's not your fault - but you already know, it's your responsibility.
posted by MiraK at 6:39 AM on October 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's hard to admit when we have been accidentally violating someone else's boundaries with our good intentions and our desire to rescue them from themselves. But it's necessary to admit it. Because otherwise you'll continue to believe that you've been involved in the task of "helping" your sibling all these years, when actually, you've been overstepping waaaay into their personal boundaries (even if they are unable to recognize/articulate/stop it) and enabling their dysfunction by rescuing them so much and quite likely harming them unintentionally. You need to stop. I believe in your ability and your intention to be better at this. It's not your fault - but you already know, it's your responsibility.
posted by MiraK at 6:39 AM on October 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m just going to reflect a bit in the hopes that it helps you.
It sounds likes in your family, there’s a big payoff for dramatics and a general lack of boundaries. Your mother did not have to let your sibling move in. Your mother didn’t have to let that prevent you all from going over. I know it’s hard to see from the inside, but there are loving families where the answer would have been “I know you both have good salaries, and I don’t want to share my home, so let me put you in touch with a financial counsellor. Good luck, let me know how it goes.”
Similarly, you do not have to own what your sibling is doing. If they’re collapsing from stress at the hospital, that’s really hard but it’s not yours to fix. In fact, you can’t. The thing with flags has zero to do with you. Don’t answer the phone at night. Make sure they have numbers for crisis lines and shelters instead. If you want to gift them first and last, do that but don’t get involved in their day to day finances. Don’t talk to their roommates.
When they call, give them one message: you need professional help. I am rooting for you to get it.
I have dealt with people like this in my family and guess what? As soon as they can’t find you, they find someone else or figure it out. The same skill they have in getting your attention can be turned towards other societal supports.
Your sibling is mentally unwell and needs professional help and every time you step in, they don’t get that help.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:31 AM on October 10, 2023 [9 favorites]
It sounds likes in your family, there’s a big payoff for dramatics and a general lack of boundaries. Your mother did not have to let your sibling move in. Your mother didn’t have to let that prevent you all from going over. I know it’s hard to see from the inside, but there are loving families where the answer would have been “I know you both have good salaries, and I don’t want to share my home, so let me put you in touch with a financial counsellor. Good luck, let me know how it goes.”
Similarly, you do not have to own what your sibling is doing. If they’re collapsing from stress at the hospital, that’s really hard but it’s not yours to fix. In fact, you can’t. The thing with flags has zero to do with you. Don’t answer the phone at night. Make sure they have numbers for crisis lines and shelters instead. If you want to gift them first and last, do that but don’t get involved in their day to day finances. Don’t talk to their roommates.
When they call, give them one message: you need professional help. I am rooting for you to get it.
I have dealt with people like this in my family and guess what? As soon as they can’t find you, they find someone else or figure it out. The same skill they have in getting your attention can be turned towards other societal supports.
Your sibling is mentally unwell and needs professional help and every time you step in, they don’t get that help.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:31 AM on October 10, 2023 [9 favorites]
I answered above about my brother… With all the additional details about the kinds of issues your sibling is throwing your way and how you and your mother have helped, yeah, it’s all very familiar. It might be hard at first to stop being the one to pick up the pieces but once you start, warriorqueen is correct, they will start reaching out elsewhere.
posted by onebyone at 10:05 AM on October 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by onebyone at 10:05 AM on October 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Something you may want to explore in therapy is the concept of scapegoating and blacksheeping in families. It sounds like your sibling is the scapegoat/black sheep and you are perceived as being more competent than they are. The thing is, you and your mom aren't giving your sibling a chance to become more competent. They have likely internalized their role as the rest of the family has.
One of the best things that ever happened to me was my mom and sibling realizing that the family had placed me in the scapegoat role, and actively working on not seeing me that way anymore. It's such a deeply entrenched dynamic that it may be impossible to completely extricate from it, but it sure does help that they've tried. I feel better about myself and much more competent now. If only we had all worked on this as much when I was in my 30s! I could have had a couple more decades of that. I think you have a really great opportunity here to help them more by helping less, but not by coldly distancing.
If there's anything you think your sibling is competent at, now is the time to magnify that quality by telling them. If there's anything you're proud of them for, I'm sure they'd love to hear that, rather than always be judged and pitied. Maybe you can be proud of their decision to leave a bad marriage. Understand that many of the things you consider to be your sibling's nature are, in fact, a result of having been chosen to be the one in the family that everyone else can look better next to. It's a heady drug to be a parental favorite, but so much better to overcome the toxic dynamics that put you there.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:17 AM on October 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
One of the best things that ever happened to me was my mom and sibling realizing that the family had placed me in the scapegoat role, and actively working on not seeing me that way anymore. It's such a deeply entrenched dynamic that it may be impossible to completely extricate from it, but it sure does help that they've tried. I feel better about myself and much more competent now. If only we had all worked on this as much when I was in my 30s! I could have had a couple more decades of that. I think you have a really great opportunity here to help them more by helping less, but not by coldly distancing.
If there's anything you think your sibling is competent at, now is the time to magnify that quality by telling them. If there's anything you're proud of them for, I'm sure they'd love to hear that, rather than always be judged and pitied. Maybe you can be proud of their decision to leave a bad marriage. Understand that many of the things you consider to be your sibling's nature are, in fact, a result of having been chosen to be the one in the family that everyone else can look better next to. It's a heady drug to be a parental favorite, but so much better to overcome the toxic dynamics that put you there.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:17 AM on October 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Back off. The scapegoat doesn't want Mother and Golden Child tsk-tsking over their life, anyway.
I'm the family scapegoat and I agree with this.
I'm not nearly the disaster you paint your sibling out to be (though I'm now curious as to your sibling's side of the story), but I definitely have gone down some paths in life that my family would consider Not Proper even if they aren't actually destructive in the abstract. My elder sister (we have an 11 year age gap) was often called upon to be the parental mouthpiece for their judgement, and sometimes would just be judgy on her own.
I fully resented this. My sister and I were and currently are close, but there was a point in time where I didn't feel like I could trust her with anything. My parents have tried to use me against her too when she started to break out of Golden Child mode, but I point blank refused because I knew how painful it was (and ultimately pointless) to be on the receiving end of that.
Yes, my life has had a lot of twists and turns, and it's taken a comparatively long time to find some semblance of stability. From my parents' point of view, it's my fault that I didn't choose a more stable career path or that I broke up with a perfectly lovely guy because I worked out that I wasn't into men anymore and now I'm single or I don't keep myself healthy enough and that's why I have various mental health challenges. Yet a lot of the challenges I faced around these weren't really in my control (Immigration restrictions, a different abusive partner, childhood trauma, The Current State Of The Economy, etc). I've been doing my best to manage all of that but they're not necessarily AWARE of it, or will understand even if I tried to explain. They've chilled out a little bit but there's still some disdain.
Things got better between my sister and I when she stopped playing messenger. Weirdly, the dynamic seems to have shifted somewhat - I mean, my life choices still puzzle my parents, but now my sister's facing a bit more of the brunt of Not Being Golden Child Enough and it's getting to her. I've been very tempted to go "now you can see what I've gone through" but that's just mean. Instead I support my sister where I can. If she's getting up to some bullshit, I'll tell her, but because it's coming from me rather than from our parents.
Even if you're not actively meddling, us scapegoats can tell if there's pressure or judgement. Release the pressure even a little bit and maybe your disaster sibling would be less of a disaster.
posted by creatrixtiara at 7:35 PM on October 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm the family scapegoat and I agree with this.
I'm not nearly the disaster you paint your sibling out to be (though I'm now curious as to your sibling's side of the story), but I definitely have gone down some paths in life that my family would consider Not Proper even if they aren't actually destructive in the abstract. My elder sister (we have an 11 year age gap) was often called upon to be the parental mouthpiece for their judgement, and sometimes would just be judgy on her own.
I fully resented this. My sister and I were and currently are close, but there was a point in time where I didn't feel like I could trust her with anything. My parents have tried to use me against her too when she started to break out of Golden Child mode, but I point blank refused because I knew how painful it was (and ultimately pointless) to be on the receiving end of that.
Yes, my life has had a lot of twists and turns, and it's taken a comparatively long time to find some semblance of stability. From my parents' point of view, it's my fault that I didn't choose a more stable career path or that I broke up with a perfectly lovely guy because I worked out that I wasn't into men anymore and now I'm single or I don't keep myself healthy enough and that's why I have various mental health challenges. Yet a lot of the challenges I faced around these weren't really in my control (Immigration restrictions, a different abusive partner, childhood trauma, The Current State Of The Economy, etc). I've been doing my best to manage all of that but they're not necessarily AWARE of it, or will understand even if I tried to explain. They've chilled out a little bit but there's still some disdain.
Things got better between my sister and I when she stopped playing messenger. Weirdly, the dynamic seems to have shifted somewhat - I mean, my life choices still puzzle my parents, but now my sister's facing a bit more of the brunt of Not Being Golden Child Enough and it's getting to her. I've been very tempted to go "now you can see what I've gone through" but that's just mean. Instead I support my sister where I can. If she's getting up to some bullshit, I'll tell her, but because it's coming from me rather than from our parents.
Even if you're not actively meddling, us scapegoats can tell if there's pressure or judgement. Release the pressure even a little bit and maybe your disaster sibling would be less of a disaster.
posted by creatrixtiara at 7:35 PM on October 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
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They're your sibling, not your child. You (and your mother) have to step back and let this adult person deal with their own consequences.
posted by zadcat at 8:54 AM on October 9, 2023 [73 favorites]