Spousal disagreement over neutering a dog...
September 19, 2023 4:10 PM
My husband (Will) gets upset whenever I bring up the possibility of neutering our dog. Is it acceptable to make the decision without his input? What if I value my marriage, but also want my opinion to count?
The dog (Merlin) is 8, and he has so far scraped by with regular hormone chips. For the first half of his life, he had no issue with his sex drive. Now, it's bad. Whenever he's not on the hormone chip, he "greets" other dogs by forcefully mounting them. He's run off a couple of times because he smelled a girl. He pulls hard. Worst of all, he mounts our young female dog (Gracie) at home. We don't allow this, obviously, but it's heartbreaking because they can't be left unsupervised and Merlin scares Gracie with this behaviour. It's especially bad when Merlin is excited, which happens whenever he eats or plays. He gets so frustrated he starts whining or shredding stuffed toys. Last Christmas, we had to take turns with having the dogs in the room because he would not stop jumping her.
All that to say: this dog needs to be neutered for his own sake, for the sake of my sanity, and for Gracie's protection.
Will disagrees. While we've gotten better at calm discussion in general, this topic is a guaranteed fight. Will very much wants kids (I'm not quite ready), and he would like Merlin to live that dream, too. Ideally, he wants Gracie and Merlin to have puppies together.
I am very much opposed to that idea. I have extremely high standards for breeders and do not have the time or knowledge to live up to my own expectations. Neither does he. I also know that giving those puppies away would be almost impossible for me. And lastly, the tests Merlin and especially Gracie would have to go through to make sure they can mate safely...all the vet visits...the risk to Gracie...the cleanup - that's just not appealing to me.
Back to the main question: What do I do? Should I have Merlin neutered without Will's approval? That seems really mean. He loves Merlin so much, and he's worried about possible health issues for him. Plus, I think he already dreads the day Merlin leaves us. He wants to keep a part of him. I get that.
On the other hand, as things are, I can't enjoy our dogs. Merlin is so rough with other dogs, and it breaks my heart. He's a peaceful guy and wouldn't usually choose to scare anyone. And Gracie deserves to feel safe in her home. We thought those two would love each other and become playmates (they are), but whenever Merlin is off the chip, he is entirely uninterested in playing and acts almost like a predator around Gracie. I know it's not his fault, but it really sucks for Gracie.
It feels like I'm taking Will's feelings into account (by not having neutered Merlin yet, though I've wanted to for around four years), but he's ignoring mine. In effect, isn't he doing exactly the same thing I'd be doing if I went ahead with the surgery? He's making the choice right now, and I don't agree with it.
Now, why don't we just keep using the hormonal chip? That's a health and cost question, though it's still on the table. I believe long-term chemical castration has not been studied extensively. Also, a year of the chips costs as much as the one-and-done operation. And lastly, a new chip at this point would mean a two-months waiting period while it takes effect. Meanwhile, Merlin is just becoming active again and the surgery would remove his sex drive so much faster.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's hard to explain all factors without rambling.
(PS: I believe that in the US, pets are neutered at a young age routinely and without much deliberation. I'm in Europe. Neutering pets is illegal here unless a vet certifies that the animal is negatively affected. Neutering at a young age is strongly discouraged. So even if we wanted to neuter Gracie, that's not an option.)
The dog (Merlin) is 8, and he has so far scraped by with regular hormone chips. For the first half of his life, he had no issue with his sex drive. Now, it's bad. Whenever he's not on the hormone chip, he "greets" other dogs by forcefully mounting them. He's run off a couple of times because he smelled a girl. He pulls hard. Worst of all, he mounts our young female dog (Gracie) at home. We don't allow this, obviously, but it's heartbreaking because they can't be left unsupervised and Merlin scares Gracie with this behaviour. It's especially bad when Merlin is excited, which happens whenever he eats or plays. He gets so frustrated he starts whining or shredding stuffed toys. Last Christmas, we had to take turns with having the dogs in the room because he would not stop jumping her.
All that to say: this dog needs to be neutered for his own sake, for the sake of my sanity, and for Gracie's protection.
Will disagrees. While we've gotten better at calm discussion in general, this topic is a guaranteed fight. Will very much wants kids (I'm not quite ready), and he would like Merlin to live that dream, too. Ideally, he wants Gracie and Merlin to have puppies together.
I am very much opposed to that idea. I have extremely high standards for breeders and do not have the time or knowledge to live up to my own expectations. Neither does he. I also know that giving those puppies away would be almost impossible for me. And lastly, the tests Merlin and especially Gracie would have to go through to make sure they can mate safely...all the vet visits...the risk to Gracie...the cleanup - that's just not appealing to me.
Back to the main question: What do I do? Should I have Merlin neutered without Will's approval? That seems really mean. He loves Merlin so much, and he's worried about possible health issues for him. Plus, I think he already dreads the day Merlin leaves us. He wants to keep a part of him. I get that.
On the other hand, as things are, I can't enjoy our dogs. Merlin is so rough with other dogs, and it breaks my heart. He's a peaceful guy and wouldn't usually choose to scare anyone. And Gracie deserves to feel safe in her home. We thought those two would love each other and become playmates (they are), but whenever Merlin is off the chip, he is entirely uninterested in playing and acts almost like a predator around Gracie. I know it's not his fault, but it really sucks for Gracie.
It feels like I'm taking Will's feelings into account (by not having neutered Merlin yet, though I've wanted to for around four years), but he's ignoring mine. In effect, isn't he doing exactly the same thing I'd be doing if I went ahead with the surgery? He's making the choice right now, and I don't agree with it.
Now, why don't we just keep using the hormonal chip? That's a health and cost question, though it's still on the table. I believe long-term chemical castration has not been studied extensively. Also, a year of the chips costs as much as the one-and-done operation. And lastly, a new chip at this point would mean a two-months waiting period while it takes effect. Meanwhile, Merlin is just becoming active again and the surgery would remove his sex drive so much faster.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's hard to explain all factors without rambling.
(PS: I believe that in the US, pets are neutered at a young age routinely and without much deliberation. I'm in Europe. Neutering pets is illegal here unless a vet certifies that the animal is negatively affected. Neutering at a young age is strongly discouraged. So even if we wanted to neuter Gracie, that's not an option.)
You have a fully grown, intact male dog?! Humping things and chewing things and terrorizing your other dog?! Making your life an absolute hassle, and you're agonizing over having it fixed?
I'd say get the dog snipped immediately, because who even has time for all that, but then I read that P.S. and my mind is blown. As an American, I had no idea. How do you keep your feral animal populations down?!
Anyway. It seems all you can do is tell your husband you're done handling this and that it's now his responsibility to manage the dog all the time. It's completely unfair for him to make it your job, especially when there's a solution right there that costs less than the chip (whatever that is) and solves everything.
As for health issues, neutered dogs actually live longer... or at least that's what they tell us over here.
I have personally known a number of men who got the ick over getting male animals neutered; I can understand that, but ultimately it's projection. Your dog will be so much calmer afterward and the whole household will feel relief, including Merlin himself.
I wish you so much good luck!
posted by goblinbox at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2023
I'd say get the dog snipped immediately, because who even has time for all that, but then I read that P.S. and my mind is blown. As an American, I had no idea. How do you keep your feral animal populations down?!
Anyway. It seems all you can do is tell your husband you're done handling this and that it's now his responsibility to manage the dog all the time. It's completely unfair for him to make it your job, especially when there's a solution right there that costs less than the chip (whatever that is) and solves everything.
As for health issues, neutered dogs actually live longer... or at least that's what they tell us over here.
I have personally known a number of men who got the ick over getting male animals neutered; I can understand that, but ultimately it's projection. Your dog will be so much calmer afterward and the whole household will feel relief, including Merlin himself.
I wish you so much good luck!
posted by goblinbox at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2023
Who handles more of Merlin's care, you or Will? If Will does, I think it's fair for him to handle all of it now. If you do, I think it's fair for you to either get Merlin neutered or tell Will he needs to take total care of him.
posted by cocoagirl at 4:35 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by cocoagirl at 4:35 PM on September 19, 2023
Will very much wants kids (I'm not quite ready), and he would like Merlin to live that dream, too. Ideally, he wants Gracie and Merlin to have puppies together.
Respectfully, I suggest that this is the actual main question here, and the situation with Merlin is a displacement of Will’s concerns that contributes significantly to his intransigence on the neutering question. I want to make clear that your question as written is important; my guess is that a lot of the loggerheads at which you and Will find yourselves will be a lot easier to resolve if the two of you can come to some understanding around having human children. I won’t get further into that since that’s not your stated question, but consider seeking some sort of professional that could help facilitate a constructive conversation around your readiness, worries, and plans for children - as a couple.
posted by obliterati at 4:45 PM on September 19, 2023
Respectfully, I suggest that this is the actual main question here, and the situation with Merlin is a displacement of Will’s concerns that contributes significantly to his intransigence on the neutering question. I want to make clear that your question as written is important; my guess is that a lot of the loggerheads at which you and Will find yourselves will be a lot easier to resolve if the two of you can come to some understanding around having human children. I won’t get further into that since that’s not your stated question, but consider seeking some sort of professional that could help facilitate a constructive conversation around your readiness, worries, and plans for children - as a couple.
posted by obliterati at 4:45 PM on September 19, 2023
I absolutely agree that Will is seeing this as a proxy battle about his own desire to procreate and you clearly on some level suspect that because otherwise it's irrelevant to this question.
Culturally you are going to have a pretty hard time getting locally relevant answers from this forum; in the US spaying and neutering is the default, and that's where most mefites are from. You are going to get lots of answers expressing shock that there's any question at all that neutering Merlin is the right thing to do.
posted by potrzebie at 5:04 PM on September 19, 2023
Culturally you are going to have a pretty hard time getting locally relevant answers from this forum; in the US spaying and neutering is the default, and that's where most mefites are from. You are going to get lots of answers expressing shock that there's any question at all that neutering Merlin is the right thing to do.
posted by potrzebie at 5:04 PM on September 19, 2023
I was curious about the claim about neutering dogs being illegal and it seems, generally, it's allowed for health or behavior reasons. Boy oh boy do you have a strong case it's needed for behavioral reasons. I'm also of the opinion you should do it anyway.
In the meantime, your husband should work on not putting all of his anxiety on his dogs.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:17 PM on September 19, 2023
In the meantime, your husband should work on not putting all of his anxiety on his dogs.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:17 PM on September 19, 2023
I agree with cocoagirl - if he wants to keep the dog intact (leaving aside that his reasons are nonsensical), he needs to take on the consequences of his decision.
I'm from Australia, not the US and neutering dogs and cats as domestic pets is absolutely the norm here as well. No shelter will release a rescue animal without first doing this and, in my city, if you have more than two dogs they must all be neutered. I'm staggered by the difference in attitude, but it does make some sense of your husband's attitude in a place where it's not the norm.
It sounds like you've tried all the reasonable things and it's time to put your foot down - at the least, make it clear that Merlin is now his dog and he's 100% responsible for dealing with him. Some real consequences may convince him to come to his senses.
posted by dg at 5:26 PM on September 19, 2023
I'm from Australia, not the US and neutering dogs and cats as domestic pets is absolutely the norm here as well. No shelter will release a rescue animal without first doing this and, in my city, if you have more than two dogs they must all be neutered. I'm staggered by the difference in attitude, but it does make some sense of your husband's attitude in a place where it's not the norm.
It sounds like you've tried all the reasonable things and it's time to put your foot down - at the least, make it clear that Merlin is now his dog and he's 100% responsible for dealing with him. Some real consequences may convince him to come to his senses.
posted by dg at 5:26 PM on September 19, 2023
Neutered dogs live longer.
posted by phunniemee at 5:27 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by phunniemee at 5:27 PM on September 19, 2023
Culturally you are going to have a pretty hard time getting locally relevant answers from this forum; in the US spaying and neutering is the default, and that's where most mefites are from. You are going to get lots of answers expressing shock that there's any question at all that neutering Merlin is the right thing to do.
Seconding this (altho as a Canadian I'd expand that to culturally North America). I was literally asking myself why this was even a question. We grew up with Bob Barker telling us to spay and neuter our pets every single day.
Given where you are, I would get a vet's recommendation, using everything you've told us here, and use that as your justification to your husband (assuming the vet agrees to the neuter) Put the decision in the hands of a neutral third party whose literal job is to look out for the well-being of your dog.
posted by cgg at 5:29 PM on September 19, 2023
Seconding this (altho as a Canadian I'd expand that to culturally North America). I was literally asking myself why this was even a question. We grew up with Bob Barker telling us to spay and neuter our pets every single day.
Given where you are, I would get a vet's recommendation, using everything you've told us here, and use that as your justification to your husband (assuming the vet agrees to the neuter) Put the decision in the hands of a neutral third party whose literal job is to look out for the well-being of your dog.
posted by cgg at 5:29 PM on September 19, 2023
Your dog is probably already a daddy if he has broken loose while between doses. I am honestly surprised you haven't had an accidental litter yet, you have done a really good job keeping them apart.
I know there are health concerns about early castration but surely at 8 years old your dog is full grown. And as for health problems, continuous chemical castration is basically the same effect on hormones as physical castration. You already know how he will behave after physical castration.
I agree this likely isn't about the dog at all. I am not going to say "just go get it done" because I think it's going to have a serious affect on your relationship, but I think that if you are the primary caretaker of your two dogs then you should make the appointment for a consultation and bring your husband. Let him explain to the vet why he objects. Explain to the vet that you will not agree to breed Merlin.
posted by muddgirl at 5:32 PM on September 19, 2023
I know there are health concerns about early castration but surely at 8 years old your dog is full grown. And as for health problems, continuous chemical castration is basically the same effect on hormones as physical castration. You already know how he will behave after physical castration.
I agree this likely isn't about the dog at all. I am not going to say "just go get it done" because I think it's going to have a serious affect on your relationship, but I think that if you are the primary caretaker of your two dogs then you should make the appointment for a consultation and bring your husband. Let him explain to the vet why he objects. Explain to the vet that you will not agree to breed Merlin.
posted by muddgirl at 5:32 PM on September 19, 2023
I'm with you 100% on the merits. (Another US mefite.)
But it's a jointly owned dog. And this is an irreversible decision. Also you wouldn't be making the decision "without his input." You got his input, made your case, and the two of you still disagree. I'd certainly feel betrayed by someone doing anything remotely like this.
It sucks that this seems like it'll be an ongoing bone of contention you can't resolve though. I like cgg's idea of seeing if you can both agree to abide by a vet's recommendation as a sort of arbitrator.
posted by mark k at 5:36 PM on September 19, 2023
But it's a jointly owned dog. And this is an irreversible decision. Also you wouldn't be making the decision "without his input." You got his input, made your case, and the two of you still disagree. I'd certainly feel betrayed by someone doing anything remotely like this.
It sucks that this seems like it'll be an ongoing bone of contention you can't resolve though. I like cgg's idea of seeing if you can both agree to abide by a vet's recommendation as a sort of arbitrator.
posted by mark k at 5:36 PM on September 19, 2023
Here is a list of the numbers of stray animals (FYI - be very cautious about clicking on other links on this site because there are some heartbreaking photos on other pages) by country in Europe. It is clear that there is not a need to breed more companion animals anywhere in Europe.
However, people are generally unmoved by facts and this is clearly an emotional issue for your husband, so you probably won't get anywhere by making a fact based argument.
You don't say which of you is primarily responsible for caring for the dogs. If you do most of the walking, feeding, bathing, administering medication, taking to the vet, then I think your opinion should count for more. If you husband is insisting on making this choice without taking on the burden this choice is having on you, then he needs to step back. I think you need to couch any discussion on the impact all of this is having on you. At the end of the day, your husband should be putting your needs first.
You might also ask your husband to really think about the quality of life your dogs have now and the ones they could be having. I'm sure Merlin would get far more pleasure from being able to socialize with Gracie and other dogs than having progeny.
posted by brookeb at 5:38 PM on September 19, 2023
However, people are generally unmoved by facts and this is clearly an emotional issue for your husband, so you probably won't get anywhere by making a fact based argument.
You don't say which of you is primarily responsible for caring for the dogs. If you do most of the walking, feeding, bathing, administering medication, taking to the vet, then I think your opinion should count for more. If you husband is insisting on making this choice without taking on the burden this choice is having on you, then he needs to step back. I think you need to couch any discussion on the impact all of this is having on you. At the end of the day, your husband should be putting your needs first.
You might also ask your husband to really think about the quality of life your dogs have now and the ones they could be having. I'm sure Merlin would get far more pleasure from being able to socialize with Gracie and other dogs than having progeny.
posted by brookeb at 5:38 PM on September 19, 2023
Merlin’s a joint responsibility right? One play (not sure how well it will be received) is to say that you can’t manage Merlin’s behaviour and that it’s time to rehome him, and see how your husband reacts.
Agree that your husband is projecting on the dog. Pretty weird but somewhat understandable.
posted by primavera_f at 5:43 PM on September 19, 2023
Agree that your husband is projecting on the dog. Pretty weird but somewhat understandable.
posted by primavera_f at 5:43 PM on September 19, 2023
Not sure what it's like culturally in your country, but this sounds like an excellent conversation for a short round of couples therapy. I strongly suspect, as others do, that your husband is projecting onto the dog. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:01 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by bluedaisy at 6:01 PM on September 19, 2023
For me this would an absolute relationship dealbreaker. An intact dog with behavioral issues like that can do so much harm; it’s cruel for the dog and their people. If this is the case for you, then clearly tell your husband that, along with an official vet recommendation for the procedure. Then he gets the unfun choice between his marriage and his dog’s balls.
That is probably fairly extreme to a lot of people, though. If you want to go a little less intense, then the both of you need to fully commit to training Merlin, far more thoroughly than you probably have before. Your husband especially must spend a lot of focus and energy on this, though every member of the household will have to be consistent. An intact dog is often harder to train, but they can learn better how to act when outside, how to interact with other animals and people in the house, how to be less aggressive about the things, people, and spaces they value, and so-on. Merlin being an adult will probably not impede his learning - it’s really more about the humans being trained to understand and respond to him than the dog learning new tricks. An upside to this kind of intensive behavioral adaptation is that the people engaging with it often learn a lot more about dogs in a less anthropomorphized way. Your husband might, after spending lots of quality time with Merlin paying super close attention to his needs, come around to the need for him to be fixed for his happiness and health. But also, if you can train Merlin to ignore his intense hormonal urges and stay by you instead of running off leash, or to play gently with Gracie instead of mounting her unwillingly, then these things will happen less often. They’ll still occur, but you’ll feel like you have more control over Merlin in general and that energy will translate to the whole household.
posted by Mizu at 6:05 PM on September 19, 2023
That is probably fairly extreme to a lot of people, though. If you want to go a little less intense, then the both of you need to fully commit to training Merlin, far more thoroughly than you probably have before. Your husband especially must spend a lot of focus and energy on this, though every member of the household will have to be consistent. An intact dog is often harder to train, but they can learn better how to act when outside, how to interact with other animals and people in the house, how to be less aggressive about the things, people, and spaces they value, and so-on. Merlin being an adult will probably not impede his learning - it’s really more about the humans being trained to understand and respond to him than the dog learning new tricks. An upside to this kind of intensive behavioral adaptation is that the people engaging with it often learn a lot more about dogs in a less anthropomorphized way. Your husband might, after spending lots of quality time with Merlin paying super close attention to his needs, come around to the need for him to be fixed for his happiness and health. But also, if you can train Merlin to ignore his intense hormonal urges and stay by you instead of running off leash, or to play gently with Gracie instead of mounting her unwillingly, then these things will happen less often. They’ll still occur, but you’ll feel like you have more control over Merlin in general and that energy will translate to the whole household.
posted by Mizu at 6:05 PM on September 19, 2023
I would tell him that if he really cared about the dog, they should take it to a vet and get their opinion. Bring up all your hesitations and concern to the vet, and the vet will probably take your side. That way you have the vet to back you up.
posted by Peach81 at 6:14 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by Peach81 at 6:14 PM on September 19, 2023
Will very much wants kids (I'm not quite ready), and he would like Merlin to live that dream, too.
I can guarantee you that Merlin does not have that "dream." His urge is simply to feel good. He is oblivious to procreation. Forgive me, but your husband is acting like a dope.
posted by Dolley at 6:34 PM on September 19, 2023
I can guarantee you that Merlin does not have that "dream." His urge is simply to feel good. He is oblivious to procreation. Forgive me, but your husband is acting like a dope.
posted by Dolley at 6:34 PM on September 19, 2023
Re-home the dog with a breeder who is in the business of managing future puppies, with visiting options if being intact is such a big deal. Farm out the issue so you two can focus on simple self-care and easier dog care. Let someone else deal with future dog progeny and you all get the pick of a future litter. Is he more smitten with selling purebreds for hundreds/thousands?
He’s overwhelming you with pie-in-the-sky ideas without taking responsibility for logistics, especially if he has no experience with pregnant/whelping dog care. The care involved for Merlin sounds overwhelming NOW, and unless he’s actively managing all of this mounting-prevention/running off currently, seriously doesn’t look good for future baby human care down the line. He might want to get that static out of the line.
Get third parties involved like couples counseling and/or a vet professional on behalf of yourselves and the dogs.
posted by childofTethys at 6:48 PM on September 19, 2023
He’s overwhelming you with pie-in-the-sky ideas without taking responsibility for logistics, especially if he has no experience with pregnant/whelping dog care. The care involved for Merlin sounds overwhelming NOW, and unless he’s actively managing all of this mounting-prevention/running off currently, seriously doesn’t look good for future baby human care down the line. He might want to get that static out of the line.
Get third parties involved like couples counseling and/or a vet professional on behalf of yourselves and the dogs.
posted by childofTethys at 6:48 PM on September 19, 2023
Can you just keep the dog on the chip constantly?
posted by tristeza at 6:49 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by tristeza at 6:49 PM on September 19, 2023
How about setting up an appointment with a vet where you discuss the current situation, pros and cons, risks and benefits and hopefully reach a decision together?
If he won't see reason about it, the problem is not actually related to the dog at all.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:52 PM on September 19, 2023
If he won't see reason about it, the problem is not actually related to the dog at all.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:52 PM on September 19, 2023
As someone who works with dogs for a living much of the time, I've grown very tired of men like your husband. Intact dogs cause problems. Simple as that.
There are also enough dogs to go around and people breeding them just "because" is idiotic and selfish.
posted by dobbs at 7:02 PM on September 19, 2023
There are also enough dogs to go around and people breeding them just "because" is idiotic and selfish.
posted by dobbs at 7:02 PM on September 19, 2023
Oh, and though I've lived longest in Canada and Los Angeles, places it's very much normal to have dogs neutered and spayed, I have also lived in and been responsible for dogs in places where it's not: rural Spain, the Dominican, Vanuatu, rural Australia, and Cuba. In all of these places, intact dogs cause problems.
posted by dobbs at 7:07 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by dobbs at 7:07 PM on September 19, 2023
I take animal caretaking very seriously and there's no way I'd let a partner's emotional projection decide the longterm health considerations of a dog or cat in my home. Get Merlin spayed yesterday. Your husband will have to figure out for himself how to deal with that. Don't let him put that on you.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:18 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:18 PM on September 19, 2023
Obviously the dog needs the snip. However, I am about 99% sure reading this that if you do it without his consent, hubby is gonna throw an absolute shit fit and act like you just neutered him and took away his dreams of human children. And that is probably beyond us to assist with. Unfortunately I have the feeling that your adult baby situation may need to be dealt with before this can get to any sane discussion, because he is SO not being reasonable on the topic.
Might I suggest to you reading the first few chapters of Eat Pray Love? It sounds to me like you might relate to the author's original dilemma.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 PM on September 19, 2023
Might I suggest to you reading the first few chapters of Eat Pray Love? It sounds to me like you might relate to the author's original dilemma.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 PM on September 19, 2023
I would love to make your husband go to the shelter on the day they euthanize and watch dogs being killed. Because that's what letting dogs breed gets you--dead dogs. I would not be with someone who is contributing to killing dogs.
posted by Violet Hour at 7:44 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by Violet Hour at 7:44 PM on September 19, 2023
I concur that this sounds like a proxy disagreement. I don't disagree with your premises, but acting unilaterally could jeopardize your marriage.
Have you brought up the point to your husband that the current household situation is no place for a human baby, let alone a canine sibling*?
*Also consider making the point that in your pack, Gracie and Merlin are siblings, and eww they don't need to be lovers as well.
Do you have trainers / canine behaviorists who can help advise (and suggest some interventions)? Otherwise perhaps your vet could advise? There are prosthetic implants.
Is Merlin at risk of being "put down" if he hurts the wrong person or other dog?
posted by oceano at 7:48 PM on September 19, 2023
Have you brought up the point to your husband that the current household situation is no place for a human baby, let alone a canine sibling*?
*Also consider making the point that in your pack, Gracie and Merlin are siblings, and eww they don't need to be lovers as well.
Do you have trainers / canine behaviorists who can help advise (and suggest some interventions)? Otherwise perhaps your vet could advise? There are prosthetic implants.
Is Merlin at risk of being "put down" if he hurts the wrong person or other dog?
posted by oceano at 7:48 PM on September 19, 2023
How did the household wind up with Gracie (a young, female, fertile dog), alongside Merlin (an older, unneutered male dog, on and off a costly hormonal med)?
Merlin's issues kicked in four years ago, but when did Gracie enter the picture? What did you and your husband discuss and agree on, when taking in the younger dog?
You're justly concerned about logistics (extensive testing, safety issues, expense, the actual toil and muck of animal husbandry and the resulting litters) and Will's in favor of just letting things happen? This is not about potential human offspring, it's about responsible pet ownership. Merlin's frustrated, triggered, and aggressive; Gracie's terrorized, and might not survive mating and pregnancy.
Please, consider re-homing Gracie temporarily, and keep her safe, while you and Will work through human family-planning discord and Merlin's management.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:47 PM on September 19, 2023
Merlin's issues kicked in four years ago, but when did Gracie enter the picture? What did you and your husband discuss and agree on, when taking in the younger dog?
You're justly concerned about logistics (extensive testing, safety issues, expense, the actual toil and muck of animal husbandry and the resulting litters) and Will's in favor of just letting things happen? This is not about potential human offspring, it's about responsible pet ownership. Merlin's frustrated, triggered, and aggressive; Gracie's terrorized, and might not survive mating and pregnancy.
Please, consider re-homing Gracie temporarily, and keep her safe, while you and Will work through human family-planning discord and Merlin's management.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:47 PM on September 19, 2023
Of all the things you have said to try to convince your husband, have you been clear that this is mean to Merlin? He gets so frustrated To be in a constant state of want with no opportunity to have sex must be so miserable. Miserable for Gracie, and a ridiculous amount of work and hassle. Your husband is able to win this argument by being angry and resistant. Tell him you're done and that Merlin must be neutered or re-homed, and that neutering is by far the best option. Please don't breed siblings. Many dog breeds have been terribly harmed by so-called line breeding and are subject to inherited disease.
posted by theora55 at 9:02 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by theora55 at 9:02 PM on September 19, 2023
Then he gets the unfun choice between his marriage and his dog’s balls.
Brutal, but fair. Really fair. I laughed, but yeah: fair.
posted by goblinbox at 9:39 PM on September 19, 2023
Brutal, but fair. Really fair. I laughed, but yeah: fair.
posted by goblinbox at 9:39 PM on September 19, 2023
I think the suggestions to have your husband take all responsibility for Merlin is a great way to end up with pregnant Gracie in the shortest possible timeframe. Between weaponised incompetence and deliberate act of will.
posted by Iteki at 11:41 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by Iteki at 11:41 PM on September 19, 2023
If the reason he is not on the chip all the time is because of the expense (vis a vis neutering), know that having a litter of puppies is even more expensive. In the short run, maybe get Gracie fixed?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:51 PM on September 19, 2023
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:51 PM on September 19, 2023
I have one puppy atm and as glad as I am,it’s tiring…and he is a rescue from an “oops” litter. The litter was surrendered due to cost. His mum, who was young, suffered health issues due to such an early litter. The rescue I got him from, and with whom I’ve volunteered, is currently overrun with post-pandemic dogs and puppies. That’s in Canada. I’d definitely look into how hard it is to home puppies in your area right now; things are wildly different than even a year ago.
I don’t understand how it is you have a female intact dog in the house and have taken Merlin off the chip. Your belief that it’s bad for Merlin seems as irrational to me (given that he’s had the chip already) as your husband’s unwillingness to get Merlin the snip. Even if it would take more time, it seems like that’s the agreement you both came to - chemical castration. At minimum you should get it implanted like, tomorrow, so you have an end in sight to the current strife.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:03 AM on September 20, 2023
I don’t understand how it is you have a female intact dog in the house and have taken Merlin off the chip. Your belief that it’s bad for Merlin seems as irrational to me (given that he’s had the chip already) as your husband’s unwillingness to get Merlin the snip. Even if it would take more time, it seems like that’s the agreement you both came to - chemical castration. At minimum you should get it implanted like, tomorrow, so you have an end in sight to the current strife.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:03 AM on September 20, 2023
Will very much wants kids (I'm not quite ready), and he would like Merlin to live that dream, too.
I'm sorry but this is absurd. If your husband insists on anthropomorphizing these dogs, you should point out to him that Gracie is not into it and is terrified of being raped.
Whatever you do with the dogs (and I agree that one or both of them needs to be re-homed while you figure this out), couples counseling is a good suggestion to resolve the proxy war.
posted by basalganglia at 4:56 AM on September 20, 2023
I'm sorry but this is absurd. If your husband insists on anthropomorphizing these dogs, you should point out to him that Gracie is not into it and is terrified of being raped.
Whatever you do with the dogs (and I agree that one or both of them needs to be re-homed while you figure this out), couples counseling is a good suggestion to resolve the proxy war.
posted by basalganglia at 4:56 AM on September 20, 2023
My plan, if I found myself in your circumstances (which I would not, because I am not married to an insane person):
1. Wait for or engineer Will being away from the house for a couple of weeks. Overseas would be best.
2. A couple of months before that happens, have Merlin put on the chip again.
3. As soon as Will leaves, go to a vet who is not your regular vet to have Merlin neutered and - critically - fitted with a pair of silicone prostheses so he looks as if he's still intact. Pay cash, ideally cash you've been putting aside in dribs and drabs for some months.
4. Never speak of this again.
Weird how that last round of hormones seems to be lasting so much longer than before. Maybe he's just settling down a bit now he's getting older?
Your opsec will need to be watertight if you don't want this fucking up your marriage.
posted by flabdablet at 5:15 AM on September 20, 2023
1. Wait for or engineer Will being away from the house for a couple of weeks. Overseas would be best.
2. A couple of months before that happens, have Merlin put on the chip again.
3. As soon as Will leaves, go to a vet who is not your regular vet to have Merlin neutered and - critically - fitted with a pair of silicone prostheses so he looks as if he's still intact. Pay cash, ideally cash you've been putting aside in dribs and drabs for some months.
4. Never speak of this again.
Weird how that last round of hormones seems to be lasting so much longer than before. Maybe he's just settling down a bit now he's getting older?
Your opsec will need to be watertight if you don't want this fucking up your marriage.
posted by flabdablet at 5:15 AM on September 20, 2023
I'm in Europe. Neutering pets is illegal here
I'm in the UK, and neutering is the norm here. No legal barriers as long as you're the owner.
It feels like I'm taking Will's feelings into account (by not having neutered Merlin yet, though I've wanted to for around four years), but he's ignoring mine.
I'd say you're right, and he's also ignoring Gracie's feelings (and safety).
Your husband sounds, frankly, a bit misogynist. He would probably be more open to hearing about neutering Merlin from a male veterinarian than from you. Talk to the vet first yourself; tell him what you want and that your husband needs to be convinced.
Will will need to feel that he's being strong by bravely making the best and most responsible decision for Merlin's well-being.
Gracie, meanwhile, needs to get spayed to protect her from mammary cancer and pyrometra. This will result in her having a longer life with you.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:36 AM on September 20, 2023
I'm in the UK, and neutering is the norm here. No legal barriers as long as you're the owner.
It feels like I'm taking Will's feelings into account (by not having neutered Merlin yet, though I've wanted to for around four years), but he's ignoring mine.
I'd say you're right, and he's also ignoring Gracie's feelings (and safety).
Your husband sounds, frankly, a bit misogynist. He would probably be more open to hearing about neutering Merlin from a male veterinarian than from you. Talk to the vet first yourself; tell him what you want and that your husband needs to be convinced.
Will will need to feel that he's being strong by bravely making the best and most responsible decision for Merlin's well-being.
Gracie, meanwhile, needs to get spayed to protect her from mammary cancer and pyrometra. This will result in her having a longer life with you.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:36 AM on September 20, 2023
Perhaps you should consider your spouse's behavior and attitude in regards to Merlin as foreshadowing his behavior and attitude in regards to any future kids you might have. If his choices are making your life, and Gracie's life difficult, and you are getting stuck with more than you can reasonably handle with the dog, then you can probably assume that if you have kids with this man he's going to stick you with handling as much or more.
If the dog pulls hard and runs away and harasses Gracie and your husband has not taken over dealing with this stuff... well, what is he going to be like with taking over all the childcare when you are sick or have crunch time at work? Let alone considering the day to day sharing of responsibility when you have kids. Is he going to get upset and shut down the conversation when the discussion is about child care?
Sounds like the basic problem here is that he doesn't care when his decisions create problems for you - and THAT is a bigger problem than the choice to get a dog fixed or not. You'll be having to put up with similar situations with your kids, like if he wants the kid to attend a school that the kid hates and you want to send them somewhere else, or if you are overwhelmed with a terrible two year old and he wants to try for a second kid.
Possibly gently indicating to him that he is demonstrating utter un-readiness to be a co-parent will make him see his choices concerning Merlin in another light. But I wouldn't count on it. It's not that he doesn't realise that his choices are causing problems and making you and both dogs miserable, it's that he doesn't want to know. Blocking communication and joint decision-making by getting upset is one of those things makes fair partnership impossible.
I dunno, I'd be inclined to suggest a trial separation where you get custody of Gracie and he gets custody of Merlin. You don't have to phrase it as a trial separation, but as you and Gracie getting some time away from Merlin for a couple of months. The nice thing about this is that you don't have to get his agreement - just tell him that you and Gracie will be staying somewhere else for awhile.
Finally, dogs are dogs, not people and they do things that dogs will do, despite people projecting human expectations on them. There are some more aggressive dogs that are unmanageable if they are not fixed. There is an outside chance that if poor Merlin does not receive major intervention of some sort, he's going to become an unmanageable dog. What happens if he's out for a walk, spots a female he wants to mount, and bites the female dog's owner when they intervene to stop him? Male dogs can even get so over excited they kill the female dog they want to mount. Dogs are fantastic and wonderful family members. But they don't thrive when they are out of control. Merlin isn't thriving. He's headed for a world where he spends all his time either wearing a muzzle or locked up in a kennel alone.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:20 AM on September 20, 2023
If the dog pulls hard and runs away and harasses Gracie and your husband has not taken over dealing with this stuff... well, what is he going to be like with taking over all the childcare when you are sick or have crunch time at work? Let alone considering the day to day sharing of responsibility when you have kids. Is he going to get upset and shut down the conversation when the discussion is about child care?
Sounds like the basic problem here is that he doesn't care when his decisions create problems for you - and THAT is a bigger problem than the choice to get a dog fixed or not. You'll be having to put up with similar situations with your kids, like if he wants the kid to attend a school that the kid hates and you want to send them somewhere else, or if you are overwhelmed with a terrible two year old and he wants to try for a second kid.
Possibly gently indicating to him that he is demonstrating utter un-readiness to be a co-parent will make him see his choices concerning Merlin in another light. But I wouldn't count on it. It's not that he doesn't realise that his choices are causing problems and making you and both dogs miserable, it's that he doesn't want to know. Blocking communication and joint decision-making by getting upset is one of those things makes fair partnership impossible.
I dunno, I'd be inclined to suggest a trial separation where you get custody of Gracie and he gets custody of Merlin. You don't have to phrase it as a trial separation, but as you and Gracie getting some time away from Merlin for a couple of months. The nice thing about this is that you don't have to get his agreement - just tell him that you and Gracie will be staying somewhere else for awhile.
Finally, dogs are dogs, not people and they do things that dogs will do, despite people projecting human expectations on them. There are some more aggressive dogs that are unmanageable if they are not fixed. There is an outside chance that if poor Merlin does not receive major intervention of some sort, he's going to become an unmanageable dog. What happens if he's out for a walk, spots a female he wants to mount, and bites the female dog's owner when they intervene to stop him? Male dogs can even get so over excited they kill the female dog they want to mount. Dogs are fantastic and wonderful family members. But they don't thrive when they are out of control. Merlin isn't thriving. He's headed for a world where he spends all his time either wearing a muzzle or locked up in a kennel alone.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:20 AM on September 20, 2023
I'm from the UK where neutering in dogs is routine (male and female) and I hadn't given this much thought until now. Here's a vet discussing the ethics of it.
I think you need to get this done, but I think doing it behind your husband's back after he has said he doesn't want it would be a betrayal. goblinbox's idea of making all the problems your husband's responsibility until he gives in might work. Pallas Athena might be onto something about getting a male vet's opinion: perhaps you could go together to a male vet and you describe all the problems this is causing?
posted by richb at 8:09 AM on September 20, 2023
I think you need to get this done, but I think doing it behind your husband's back after he has said he doesn't want it would be a betrayal. goblinbox's idea of making all the problems your husband's responsibility until he gives in might work. Pallas Athena might be onto something about getting a male vet's opinion: perhaps you could go together to a male vet and you describe all the problems this is causing?
posted by richb at 8:09 AM on September 20, 2023
Have you brought up the point to your husband that the current household situation is no place for a human baby, let alone a canine sibling*?
I agree with those who say that your husband is being irresponsible in a situation that his choices have caused, which for me is a tremendously unattractive quality in a person I'm trying to go through life with, but I'm guessing you're not going to divorce him over this. So...has he considered how much more dangerous an intact male dog is to a small child in the household? Little kids need to be supervised carefully around dogs anyway, but an intact male is considerably more likely to react with force to a transgression. I love dogs, but I would be very reluctant to bring a small child into a household where an intact male routinely interacted with the family. If he wants kids, he's going to have to change his lifestyle, and that includes neutering your poor little sex pest of a dog.
posted by praemunire at 8:13 AM on September 20, 2023
I agree with those who say that your husband is being irresponsible in a situation that his choices have caused, which for me is a tremendously unattractive quality in a person I'm trying to go through life with, but I'm guessing you're not going to divorce him over this. So...has he considered how much more dangerous an intact male dog is to a small child in the household? Little kids need to be supervised carefully around dogs anyway, but an intact male is considerably more likely to react with force to a transgression. I love dogs, but I would be very reluctant to bring a small child into a household where an intact male routinely interacted with the family. If he wants kids, he's going to have to change his lifestyle, and that includes neutering your poor little sex pest of a dog.
posted by praemunire at 8:13 AM on September 20, 2023
Vasectomies for dogs are a good option. Then adopt a pup.
posted by charlesminus at 8:24 AM on September 20, 2023
posted by charlesminus at 8:24 AM on September 20, 2023
A vasectomy is going to do diddly squat about the kinds of problematic behaviour that Merlin is currently exhibiting. Hormones are not delivered to the body via the vas deferens.
posted by flabdablet at 8:59 AM on September 20, 2023
posted by flabdablet at 8:59 AM on September 20, 2023
So apparently freezing dog sperm is a thing, and not nearly as expensive as I'd have guessed (where I live at least). Perhaps Will would like to find a source of funding for that that doesn't detract from your overall household budget? Not that I think they ever should be bred in the situation described, but it at least would get past his stated opposition to the surgery, and/or force him to admit that the real problem is "but his balls!!" If you're okay risking the marriage, however, then I think just going for it is ethically justifiable considering the dogs' quality of life and health alone.
posted by teremala at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2023
posted by teremala at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2023
At the basis of this conflict is the question of why his opinion is more important than yours, and why Merlin's projected happiness is more important than Gracie's actual misery.
Please do not have a chid with this man until the two of you find a way to resolve this because a) it does not bode well for cooperative parenting b) how the fuck are you supposed to manage an infant together in a household where this is an ongoing issue, let alone solo parent?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:29 PM on September 20, 2023
Please do not have a chid with this man until the two of you find a way to resolve this because a) it does not bode well for cooperative parenting b) how the fuck are you supposed to manage an infant together in a household where this is an ongoing issue, let alone solo parent?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:29 PM on September 20, 2023
Agree that your husband is projecting on the dog. Pretty weird but somewhat understandable.
Yeah, he's projecting. No, that idea is not understandable, because most men are adult enough to stop projecting and realize that their entire manhood isn't tied to a set of genitals--especially to their dog's genitals. They are the dog's balls. The dog doesn't care! Nobody is asking him to cut his own off, or even have a vasectomy, just neuter the damn dog.
Merlin doesn't want a family. Merlin just wants to fu*k. Anything. Hump your leg, hump a couch cushion, whatever. You've got a scared female, an uncontrollable frustrated male, and your house is already in an uproar. Meanwhile your husband wants to add more dogs to the mix?? WTF?
I somewhat agree, but mostly disagree with flabdablet. Not being neutered means that Merlin can't pay attention to anything else but his frustrations, and it's nearly impossible to teach anything to a distracted dog. Even if you've succeeded in getting them to understand what a command means, you can't expect them to comply when their attention is overwhelmed by their instinctive drive.
Once Merlin is neutered, I agree that you're going to still have some behavioral issues, because Merlin's training wasn't finished properly to begin with when he was on the chemical chip. He was 'just OK' at a that point in his training, but it certainly he wasn't confirmed in it to the point he is now handle-able off the chip. Well trained intact breeding show and working dogs can work on a loose leash and perform without harassing females in their environment, because their training is impeccable.
I wouldn't go behind your husband back and get the dog fixed, because that puts you in a position where you admit you don't have any respect and influence in your relationship. I would simply give him an ultimatum: fix the dog or get rid of the dog. His choice, but you and Gracie aren't going to live with the situation anymore.
Merlin is sexually frustrated and unhappy. You're frustrated and unhappy. Gracie is scared and unhappy. The neighbors who are being pestered and annoyed by your dog are unhappy.
Meanwhile, your husband is completely selfish and oblivious.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:02 PM on September 20, 2023
Yeah, he's projecting. No, that idea is not understandable, because most men are adult enough to stop projecting and realize that their entire manhood isn't tied to a set of genitals--especially to their dog's genitals. They are the dog's balls. The dog doesn't care! Nobody is asking him to cut his own off, or even have a vasectomy, just neuter the damn dog.
Merlin doesn't want a family. Merlin just wants to fu*k. Anything. Hump your leg, hump a couch cushion, whatever. You've got a scared female, an uncontrollable frustrated male, and your house is already in an uproar. Meanwhile your husband wants to add more dogs to the mix?? WTF?
I somewhat agree, but mostly disagree with flabdablet. Not being neutered means that Merlin can't pay attention to anything else but his frustrations, and it's nearly impossible to teach anything to a distracted dog. Even if you've succeeded in getting them to understand what a command means, you can't expect them to comply when their attention is overwhelmed by their instinctive drive.
Once Merlin is neutered, I agree that you're going to still have some behavioral issues, because Merlin's training wasn't finished properly to begin with when he was on the chemical chip. He was 'just OK' at a that point in his training, but it certainly he wasn't confirmed in it to the point he is now handle-able off the chip. Well trained intact breeding show and working dogs can work on a loose leash and perform without harassing females in their environment, because their training is impeccable.
I wouldn't go behind your husband back and get the dog fixed, because that puts you in a position where you admit you don't have any respect and influence in your relationship. I would simply give him an ultimatum: fix the dog or get rid of the dog. His choice, but you and Gracie aren't going to live with the situation anymore.
Merlin is sexually frustrated and unhappy. You're frustrated and unhappy. Gracie is scared and unhappy. The neighbors who are being pestered and annoyed by your dog are unhappy.
Meanwhile, your husband is completely selfish and oblivious.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:02 PM on September 20, 2023
One other thing: male dogs do not, in general, have paternal instincts.
If Merlin did beget puppies with Gracie, his aggressive behaviour means they would likely be unsafe around him. As the pups became adolescent, Merlin would start trying to mount them too, even before they were sexually mature. He might also see male pups as rivals in his territory.
So the puppies idea is unlikely to work with Merlin in the house un-neutered.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:30 PM on September 20, 2023
If Merlin did beget puppies with Gracie, his aggressive behaviour means they would likely be unsafe around him. As the pups became adolescent, Merlin would start trying to mount them too, even before they were sexually mature. He might also see male pups as rivals in his territory.
So the puppies idea is unlikely to work with Merlin in the house un-neutered.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:30 PM on September 20, 2023
Do not snip Merlin without notifying your husband. That may solve Gracie's problem, but it won't solve yours. The key to your problem is not with snipping Merlin.
If you have reached the point where you must put your foot down, then deal with your husband about it. If you think Will is hard to reason with now, try to imagine what he will be like if you cut his dog's balls off after he's made it clear that he's against it. Trust issues are involved, not to mention whatever Will's underlying (not stated) feelings about this might be. You are wading in deep water.
I'm sympathetic to your plight. From my own similar experience, though, with cat litter boxes, I know what an ongoing shit sandwich this can be.
posted by mule98J at 9:19 AM on September 21, 2023
If you have reached the point where you must put your foot down, then deal with your husband about it. If you think Will is hard to reason with now, try to imagine what he will be like if you cut his dog's balls off after he's made it clear that he's against it. Trust issues are involved, not to mention whatever Will's underlying (not stated) feelings about this might be. You are wading in deep water.
I'm sympathetic to your plight. From my own similar experience, though, with cat litter boxes, I know what an ongoing shit sandwich this can be.
posted by mule98J at 9:19 AM on September 21, 2023
If I had two dogs, and one was sexually assaulting the other one constantly, and my male partner empathized with the assaulting dog?! Honestly, I would actually see this as a red flag worthy of a breakup. His empathy lies with the violent sex drive of the male dog, and not with the physical safety and fear of his female dog. I once dated someone who rough-housed with my cat while my cat cried in fear but was too gentle to hiss or swat. I explained that cats aren't dogs and don't enjoy that kind of play. He continued roughly shaking and clapping the cat's back every time he came over. I saw this as a huge red flag that he didn't actually care about consent, and broke up with him.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:17 PM on September 21, 2023
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:17 PM on September 21, 2023
Tell your partner that you’re at your wits end with the dog and if he refuses to get it fixed, you’re refusing to look after it anymore. You respect his choice but if he chooses to do nothing the bad behaviour is now your husband’s responsibility. So he’ll be required to have the dog with him constantly so you are no longer required to manage and protect the other dog from the male.
That will mean walking him and being the one to deal with the inappropriate mounting, If that means taking the to work or out with him at night, so the dogs not left home with you, so be it. This may sound unreasonable and ridiculous. That’s the point. What he’s expecting you to manage is both those things. So yeah, that’s now his job.
Make his inaction have consequences.
posted by Jubey at 12:44 AM on September 22, 2023
That will mean walking him and being the one to deal with the inappropriate mounting, If that means taking the to work or out with him at night, so the dogs not left home with you, so be it. This may sound unreasonable and ridiculous. That’s the point. What he’s expecting you to manage is both those things. So yeah, that’s now his job.
Make his inaction have consequences.
posted by Jubey at 12:44 AM on September 22, 2023
It's been my observation that guys who insist on keeping a scary/poorly behaved dog around because they have some kind of weird fantasy about breeding/selling puppies in the future are A Certain Kind Of Guy, one that generally Turns Out To Be A Problem. Seriously, I personally know like five women who were involved at one time with different Puppy Guys and the guys all turned out to be controlling nightmares in multiple ways. Actually being a dog breeder is a whole thing you have to be super responsible about! This is something else.
Your husband is being wildly unreasonable. I don't think going behind his back is the solution, just because he'd probably completely freak out. I like the idea of looping in a male vet, because this is fundamentally a patriarchy problem and you might as well make it work for you.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 5:10 PM on September 25, 2023
Your husband is being wildly unreasonable. I don't think going behind his back is the solution, just because he'd probably completely freak out. I like the idea of looping in a male vet, because this is fundamentally a patriarchy problem and you might as well make it work for you.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 5:10 PM on September 25, 2023
I always want updates because I worry about random internet animals, so:
Things are very calm again! I ended up talking to a second vet, and learning that there really is no good reason not to have Merlin on the chip indefinitely. Because I felt much more comfortable going with the less invasive path, I had the chip renewed. Surprisingly, Merlin calmed down just two weeks later. The dogs are able to play again. Merlin gets to be off-leash, and he's safe to play with other dogs as well. Gracie feels completely safe with him again and loves to cuddle up to him. Merlin is able to relax, and he didn't even gain weight. It's wonderful to have my gentle, happy dog back. Will was mad when I told him we'd been to the vet, but he calmed down fairly quickly (seeing that the house is happier might have helped).
Thank you very much, everyone. Your responses helped me think this through and allowed me to see that I'm not being unreasonable.
posted by toucan at 2:02 PM on May 4
Things are very calm again! I ended up talking to a second vet, and learning that there really is no good reason not to have Merlin on the chip indefinitely. Because I felt much more comfortable going with the less invasive path, I had the chip renewed. Surprisingly, Merlin calmed down just two weeks later. The dogs are able to play again. Merlin gets to be off-leash, and he's safe to play with other dogs as well. Gracie feels completely safe with him again and loves to cuddle up to him. Merlin is able to relax, and he didn't even gain weight. It's wonderful to have my gentle, happy dog back. Will was mad when I told him we'd been to the vet, but he calmed down fairly quickly (seeing that the house is happier might have helped).
Thank you very much, everyone. Your responses helped me think this through and allowed me to see that I'm not being unreasonable.
posted by toucan at 2:02 PM on May 4
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:20 PM on September 19, 2023